03x09 - Climax at Jazzapajizza

[bunniefuu]

[GRUNTS] Bruce isn't thinking straight.

Okay? He's outside doing
something awful with Frank.

Bruce sees steps ahead
of everything he does.

Whatever he's doing,
he knows it'll be safe.

You know how depressed Selina
breaking it off has made him.

Oh, please. He broke up with her.

Jesus! He's never gonna
say that he loves you, dude.

I'm slightly worried that

my extremely realistic portrayal

of his m*rder*d father

may have played a small part in this.

Oh, wow. Is your next role
Sherlock f*cking Holmes?

Look, he's been down in the dumps,

but Bruce would never do anything

to put others in danger.

Well... [CHUCKLES] I can't
believe I'm about to say this.

I'd love for you all to meet...

my parents.

[ALL GASPING]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

I see how this looks.

But it's just temporary.

A few more experiments and I'm positive

I'll turn my zombie parents

back into my beloved,
very much alive parents.

Oh, I've got to get him on the pod.

Let's get you down to the lab

to see if we can extract
that plant growth hormone

so you don't become another one
of Alfred's topiaries. [LAUGHS]

- You did this.
- Bullshit.

Frank was only supposed to resurrect

dead plants, not humans.

Billionaire bitch boy
obviously altered Frank

to bring back his dead parents

instead of just, you know,
dealing with his emotions.

Whoa! And I thought I was the
psychiatrist in this relationship.

If you untie us, I won't k*ll Bruce

in front of his dead parents
for what he did. Deal?

What she meant is we need to
figure out how far reaching

what Bruce did goes.

Free us so we can figure
out how to stop it.

We're not letting you go. We
can deal with it ourselves.

Oh, nards!

[GRUNTING]

Ah, my wrists can breathe.

What the hell are you doing?

I know it's hard to hear,
but I think Bruce messed up.

No, that, that can't be.

There's a freaking zombie horde outside.

Well, how many are there?

Hmm. I'd say five, , maybe
football fields' worth.

Oh, my God. Frank is out there.

Hey, man. Dude to dude,

I'm not in this crew.
They basically tricked me.

So leave me out of whatever justice

you're bringing them. All right?

[ZOMBIES BANGING AND GROWLING]

Oh, my God.

They turned Frank into a zombie.

No. No, I was just pretending
to be one to get here safe.

- [GRUNTS]
- Never seen a f*cking zombie movie?

Yeah, she's still making her way through

the fourth season of
that pottery competition.

- You like it too.
- Yeah. Okay. True.

[GRUNTS]

We might want to do something
about Frank's friends here.

Frank, what happened?

That walking definition
of white privilege

planted me directly into the root system

surrounding this house.

Roots reach out like sperms.

My sh*t went everywhere

bringing back all
kinds of dead assholes.

Well, how can we stop them?

All I know is stay the
f*ck away from their puke.

Oh, sh*t. Okay, hypothetically speaking,

if, say, a friend happened

to come in contact with said vomit,

what side effects are
we looking at here?

Psycho, are you trying to tell us

that someone vomited on you?

What? No. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Like I said, hypothetical
about a... Oh, f*ck!

Oh, bit on the nose, even for me.

Okay. I might have gotten
a little vomit on...

f*ck me in the nasal urethra!

Okay. We gotta figure
out how to reverse this

before people we actually care about

are turned into that.

[VIDEO GAME BEEPING]

So this is where I do my actual job.

I'm basically the last line of defense

Gotham has against total chaos.

I got my own spotlight.

I mean, whatever.

Mother, Father, this is your grandson.

Damian, say hello to your
soon to be completely alive

grandmama and grandpapa.

[RETCHING]

[VIDEO GAME BEEPING]

Teens, right?

Oh, right. You d*ed when I was eight.

Well, they're a handful.

Uh, do I want to know
what's going on down there?

Nope? Okay, great.

That's great.

[CLAYFACE] The zombies are
headed for Gotham Central Park.

Jazzapajizza!

What? Jazz Fest got
canceled three years ago,

so they rebranded it
to a three day event.

And you know what? I love jazz.

Okay? Get over it.

Wait, Frank.

Are you saying that every
dead person in Gotham

may have been brought back to life?

- It's possible.
- Ah-ha!

Well, if you'll excuse me,
I have some errands to run.

I mean, it's clear the zombies
share DNA with the plants,

so there's reason to believe

that they're connected to the green.

Maybe if I just go in there,

I can find a way to control them.

No. No, no way.

The last time you went
there, you almost d*ed.

What other choice do we have?

[SIGHS] I hate saying this,
but the Bludhaven boner's right.

Plus, I know what to expect now.

I've got this, peanut.

Who knew confidence was my kink?

Okay, while I'm in there, you and
the bat freaks try to stall them off.

And you're delegating. Oh. I'm
gonna need to change my shorts.

[SMOOCHES] Oh. God, I love you.

I know. Now, go!

[INHALES AND EXHALES]

All right. Which way to the Batcave?

What? What's this Batcave you speak of?

Yeah, it sounds, um, scary.

Not someplace I'd like to go.

Guys, I know Bruce is Batman.

Bruce Vilanch is Batman?

Oh. Wow. Jokes and crime fighting.

What a guy!

Oh. For f*ck's sake.
I was just in his head.

He literally told me.

So you can either keep this sh*t up

or we can go and save Gotham.

[SIGHS] Fine, this way.

[EXCLAIMS MOCKINGLY]

Remember, Harley, you're in the Batwing,

which means you're representing...

[HARLEY SCREAMING]

[LAUGHING]

This is awesome.

Now let's go stop
these undead dickheads.

We got this, Ive.

All right. You got this.

You know, I'm psyched
for Jazzapajizza too.

[LAUGHS] If these zombies

stop me from seeing a jazz legend

go off on his flugelhorn,
I'll lose my sh*t.

You better hurry your ass up, Ivy.

Whoo!

Pamela, wait.

Alec, I'm kind of in
the middle of something.

So if you need to talk,
maybe Nora is available.

I'm here for you.

You know what? I appreciate
the support on that. Thank you.

I can feel your conflict inside.

I'm sorry. What are you talking about?

The conflict of who the real
you is. Good versus evil.

Which are you?

The green can give you immense power.

Power that would make
it easy for you to help

or hurt this world,

to complete any plan you can imagine.

I implore you to use it for good.

Even a plan that was ruined
by a selfish billionaire?

Um, yeah.

Oh, boy, I biffed that speech.

I think now would be a great
time to figure your sh*t out.

We are seeing that flugelhorn phenom!

[ALL GROANING]

[SCREAMING]

Okay. That's not that many zombies.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] Oh, sh*t.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Hey, Harley, wait a second.

Are you in the Batwing?

Yeah. Long story.

Are you in the middle of some
ceremonial crap or something?

Yeah. Long story. What's up?

Gotham's swarming with zombies.

Ivy's in Wayne Manor,
stuck in the green,

I need you to make sure she's okay.

Oh, you can count on me.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

All right, let's see
what this bad boy can do.

Hey, where the hell are the missiles

or machine g*ns on this?

- There are none.
- And why is that?

We decided, as a family,
we don't believe in k*lling.

What, anyone?

What if it's Gwyneth Paltrow
and she's, like, eating a baby?

You know, or like a massive assh*le.

Not even massive... butt holes.

[SIGHS IN EXASPERATION] Saying
butt hole's so much worse.

It paints a gross
picture. [SIGHS IN DISGUST]

Whoa! Ivy, you dramatic m*therf*cker!

What the hell happened in there?

I found this energy, this
power and I entered it.

I became a part of it and
it became a part of me,

and it felt amazing,

like getting a massage on mushrooms,

and also I realized I can
pull off a kitten heel.

Okay. Okay, but what's
with all the zombies?

I can control them.

Make them do Beyonce's
sick dance from homecoming.

I want to see these fools
pantomime all the horns.

I think that's maybe
like too much to ask.

But how about this?

[HUMMING]

God damn, you need to get out.

All right. Let's stop the rest.

No. This is still my plan.

It's not exactly how I saw it going,

but they're out creating
Eden with their vomit.

I can remake the city
exactly as I envisioned it.

That's not what you told Harley.

Maybe check with her first.

Oh, she's gonna understand.
She wants this as much as I do.

Now, let's go

- terraform this m*therf*cker.
- [LAUGHING]

No. Stop it, zombies.
Stop tickling. [LAUGHING]

Get away from me! Oh, that was too much.

Ivy? Ivy!

I told you guys to wait downstairs.

I'm just grabbing a snack.

What are you doing in my house?

Wait, watch out.

There are two zombies right behind you.

Those are my parents.

Well, they're zombies, but
they won't be much longer.

I know how this looks,
but I'm not crazy.

I just want to bring my
zombie parents back to life.

And what are you doing in my house?

I was in here to help.

Do you know what's going on out there?

- Jazzapajizza.
- Zombie apocalypse.

Wait. There are more
undead than just my parents?

Oh, yeah. Look, I'm not judging.

We all handle grief differently.

I mean, I've been off this whole year

since my dad d*ed, and we
weren't even that close.

I can't concentrate.

I've barely been journaling

and I k*lled another one of my brothers.

Anyway, look, it takes time
to process these things.

Although, didn't your
parents die like a while ago?

Is years a while?

Okay. Now I am judging.

It feels like you should be
much further along than this.

I mean, you're obsessed about the past

and missing out on the present

and also starting a zombie apocalypse.

Is it that bad?

Oh, my God, it's the end of the world.

Gotham's falling. We're all gonna die.

Give me your pen. I
wanna slit my throat.

- What have I done?
- [CAT MEOWING]

I think your dad just ate your cat.

And that cat looked expensive.

[HARLEY] Hey, look at me out here

with you two just saving the
world like a big old nerd.

As soon as Ivy has
control of those zombies

we'll have Gotham
cleaner than ever. Whoo!

[GRUNTING]

So how many of these do we need?

All of them.

What the hell?

[GASPS]

[GASPING]

Harley, what's going on?

It's like they found a purpose.

[GASPS] They're destroying everything.

Wait, not everything.

Mama Macaroni's?

[GASPS] Ivy?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[LAUGHS] Thank you.

How are we doing tonight?

All right. Yeah. All right.

Our next act was booked last year.

But then some crazy
clown went a bit extreme

and got Jazzapajizza cancelled.

My bad. [LAUGHS MALICIOUSLY]

Anyway, it's my pleasure to introduce
Joey Q and Centri-Flugel Force.

Jeez, that's tortured.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC]

[ALL SCREAMING]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[LAUGHS] Musicians can get
folks to scream in a way

I always tried to
achieve but I never could.

Hey, nobody touches Joey Q
and the Centri-Flugel Force.

Zombies and plants, ghouls and greens,

it is my pleasure to introduce to you

the Vine Vixen, the Lady of
Leaves, your one and only queen,

Dr. Pamela Ivy.

Hello, Gotham. Thank you. Thank you.

[CHUCKLES] Yes. Looking sexy tonight.

Look, for too long, humans have
k*lled us for their convenience.

Cutting us down to build their homes

or so they can feed their
unhealthy lust for meat

or taking a passing interest
in greening up their homes,

only to lose that
interest, letting us die

unloved in a corner.

They spit on us and piss on us.

It's time for us to spit back.

[PLAYS MELODY]

For today, we announce to the world

that Gotham City is going green.

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

[GRUNTS]

[GASPS]

[HARLEY] Get somewhere safe, Bats.

Oh. What the hell are you doing, Ive?

[SCREAMS]

What the hell is going on?

It's Ivy.

Oh, sh*t.

- We have to take her out.
- By any means necessary.

What happened to no k*lling things?

Sometimes we're forced
to make exceptions.

[SIGHS] All right, let's do this.

Wait, wait. Please,
just let me talk to Ivy.

Harley, I know you love her,
but I think we're past talking.

She will listen to me.

I know it. Please give me minutes

and this will all be figured out.

Fine, but hurry the hell up.

- Hey, hey, she's good. She's with me.
- [ZOMBIE GRUNTS]

Holy sh*t, Ive, you look hot as hell!

And I was so wrong
about the kitten heel.

[CHUCKLES] Right? I
know. I was like, "What?"

It took me by surprise, too.

So, um, how you doing?

Honestly. Amazing.

I just have never felt
better about myself

than I do right now. I
mean, Harley, we're doing it.

Uh-huh. And what exactly is "it"?

Our plan.

Look. We're turning Gotham into Eden.

Mmm. [CLEARS THROAT]
I don't know if this was,

like, totally what the plan was.

No, I mean, it's not
exactly what we talked about.

Bruce f*cked that up.

But then I realized I can salvage it,

call an audible and still basically

get the end result that we wanted.

Look, the old me would have given up,

but, Harls, you, you helped
me awaken the real me.

I mean, don't you see?

You, no matter what, believed in me

and finally showed me
how to believe in myself.

You are the best thing that has
ever happened to me on every level.

I love you so much.

And after this,
everything will be perfect.

[SIGHS WEARILY] Ivy, I'm...

I am so happy you found that confidence

I always knew was inside of you

and it makes me happier than anything.

But this, this is wrong.

It is not what we talked about.

Wait, what? What do you mean?

Like, this is Eden. This is our plan.

- Our dream.
- Innocent people are dying.

That was not part of the plan.

Well, Harley, plans change.

You know, like, that's what I'm doing.

This is what I want.

I'm sorry that you can't get on board,

but I'm following through.

Something I always thought
that you wanted me to do.

Dear God! Why?

I thought I was over this.

Calm down.

Call Cherise.

She said to do this for
any therapy emergency.

- [CELL PHONE RINGING]
- [ZOMBIE GRUNTING]

Cherise, I know you said not to
approach you outside of sessions.

But I am having a therapy emergency.

Ivy, I love you and
this might be your Eden,

but it's not mine.

[GROANS]

[BOTH GASP]

Harley, you sacrificed yourself for me?

I can finally forgive you and move on.

Forget the stupid pasta maker.

- Harley!
- [SCREAMING]

[BRUCE] It's just Selina breaking it off

and that movie about my dad.

I'm usually so good at
pushing my emotions down,

but this left me with an
excruciating emptiness.

Oh. It sounds like a
tough couple of weeks.

[SIGHS SOFTLY] Sure has been.

I just missed my parents so much
and thought bringing them back

would give me the closure I needed.

I didn't think it would lead
to a [SIGHS] zombie apocalypse.

It's an honest mistake.

But as much as I wish it wasn't true,

my parents are dead.

I can't change that.

But I can fix this.

Wait. You don't have to.

No, I do.

I brought all this upon the city.

It's my cross to bear.

Ironic, isn't it?

I spent the last years
mourning the loss of my parents,

and I'll spend the next

grieving their second death at my hands.

Are you sure? Because
I'll do it for you.

Seriously?

You know, I'd really appreciate that.

Uh, you're going to want to
look away and cover your ears.

[SCREAMING]

Harley, why did you do this?

I can't, I can't change
you back without...

Without undoing everything.

Oh. Thank God I was...

I was hoping that was how it worked,

but I didn't know exactly what
the plant magic rules were.

- [SCREAMS]
- Harley!

[SCREAMING]

sh*t.

[SIGHS]

Are you okay?

[GRUNTS]

Good.

f*ck!

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]