04x14 - The Hustle

[bunniefuu]

♪ Good Times ♪

♪ Anytime You meet a payment ♪

♪ Good Times ♪

♪ Anytime You feel free ♪

♪ Good Times ♪

♪ Anytime you're
Out from under ♪

♪ Not getting hassled
Not getting hustled ♪

♪ Keeping your
head Above water ♪

♪ Making a wave when you can ♪

♪ Temporary layoffs ♪

♪ Good Times ♪

♪ Easy credit Rip-offs ♪

♪ Good Times ♪

♪ Scratching And surviving ♪

♪ Good Times ♪

♪ Hanging A chow line ♪

♪ Good Times ♪

♪ Ain't we lucky we got 'em ♪

♪ Good Times ♪♪

ANNOUNCER: It's
98-all. Lakers have the ball.

Jabbar sh**t,

Artis Gilmore grabs the rebound,

feeds off to Scott May.

May's going up the middle.

Dribbles around Lucius Allen...

Get down. Get down.

Fakes Kermit Washington
out of his shorts

and slam-dunks,

and Chicago goes into the lead.

Oh, yeah!

J.J.: Slam dunk,
all in the man's face.

In the man's face!

Hey, Ma, we were
watching the game.

Oh, I'll give you the game.

Florida Evans has the
dust cloth in her hand.

She wipes it over the TV,

sweeps it around the table,

and cleans the phone
right off the hook,

and she's gonna
slam-dunk her kids

if they don't get
up off the bench

and get their butts into gear!

Sorry, Ma, we didn't see
you doing all the work.

Don't "Sorry, Mama" me!

Now, the next time you
see me cleaning house,

it'll be on television,

on Dusting for Dollars...

so you won't miss it.

Now, get busy!

All right, Thelma, you get
the dishes and the bathroom.

Michael, you do the dusting.

All right.

Well, Ma, got 'em
on the move now.

Oh, boy.

J.J... Yes?

Are you comfortable, sweetheart?

Oh, yeah, Ma.

Oh, how about a
pillow for your head?

I didn't even think of that.

[J.J. LAUGHS]

And one for
your little footsies.

Oh, that's wuv-ly.

Yeah.

Are you comfortable now, dear?

Oh, yeah, Ma.

That's great.

Now, you do something
with that bag of bones

besides feeding it!

Oh, yes, sir, Ma.

Yes, sir.

Oh, that looks funny,

a broom pushing a broom.

And as for you, Miss
Black Lethargy of '77,

I want you to stop
running your jaws,

and get busy!

Ma... [SHARPLY] What?

I just wanted to
say I agree with you.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

If that ain't Muhammad Ali,

he'd be wise to stay out.

You keep cleaning.

Hi, Mrs. Evans.

Nice day, isn't it?

What do you want, Bookman?

You know that leaky
faucet in your bathroom?

The one that's been going,

"drip, drip, drip,
drip, drip" for weeks?

Oh, yeah, I know that
leaky faucet in the bathroom.

The whole world knows

that leaky faucet
in the bathroom.

Well, I'm here
to fix it for you.

Then where were
you when I reported it

six weeks ago?

Yeah, Bookman... Shut up, J.J.

Just saving you the trouble, Ma.

Hey, I'm sorry it took so long.

The washers were out of stock.

Everything is out of
stock around here,

you old... um...

What's that name
the kids call you?

Buffalo Butt?

Bingo.

Hey, Mrs. Evans, you know,

I came up here as
a friend who cares,

you know, out of the
spirit of helpfulness,

and you sound as though

you don't like living
in this building.

How dare you
thr*aten to evict us.

I didn't thr*aten to evict you!

That's twice.

Now, the next time you say it,

I'm gonna evict you
through that wall.

Ma, at the risk
of life and limb,

can I say something? What?

Thelma ain't working.

I am too working.

Mind your business and sweep?

All right, shut up, both of you!

The only thing that's
working is your jaws.

Bookman, you can
go and fix the faucet,

if you can squeeze your butt
through that bathroom door.

Come on, Mrs. Evans.

Now, I came up here as a friend,

and all you've done is abuse me.

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna leave,

and you can spend your evenings

with that faucet
going, "drip, drip, drip."

Drip.

Look, I'm gonna go
and get ready for work,

so I want you all to get busy,

and I want to see
some smoke out here.

This is ridiculous.

[ALL PROTESTING]

I said, smoke!

You know...

I've been a
member of this family

for many, many years,

and I can never remember
Ma in such a bad mood.

I remember the time
Ma bawled me out,

when I failed geometry...
for the third time.

Yeah, and I remember
when she grounded me

for staying out late.

That ain't nothing.

I remember the time when
she took a piece out of me

for playing basketball
in my new shoes.

Yeah.

Those were the good old days.

Yeah, something must
be really bugging Ma.

She's never been
this cranky before.

Maybe she's going
through the change.

Yeah?

If she is,

it sure ain't a
change for the better.

[DOOR OPENS]

Ta-da!

Whoo, Billie Jean
King, eat your heart out,

because Willona's on her way.

Whoo! Wow!

Willona, that's the
fanciest outfit I ever seen

for swatting flies.

This is a tennis racket.

I'm going on
vacation next weekend

to Lake Geneva,
Wisconsin, honey,

where the elite meet
and raise their glasses,

and look down their
nose at the lower classes.

Hey, where's your mama?

She's inside, getting
ready for round two.

What?

Willona, if you're smart,

you'll go on your
vacation right now.

Yeah, and take us with you.

Now, what are
y'all talking about?

Ma is in a rotten mood.

[LAUGHS]

In a rotten mood? Your mother?

You've got to be jiving.

She is the dearest, kindest,
sweetest, most loveable woman

you ever met in
your life, honey.

Hi, Flo.

Get lost.

If she gets any more loveable,

she won't be worth living with.

Flo, like my outfit?

[CHUCKLES]

[SNICKERS]

Little fancy for swatting flies.

Flo, I'm going on a vacation.

Bye.

I'm going to Lake
Geneva for $48.

You get 48 hours of sun and fun.

Girl, I wish you
was going with me.

That's all right for you.

You're a member
of the idle rich.

I still have to
work for a living...

and so do you three!

Now, when I get back here,

I want to see this
place spotless,

because if it isn't,

you're not gonna have to worry

about Bookman putting you out.

I will!

Kids... ALL: Shh.

I said, smoke!

Willona, we've never seen her

like this before.

What's wrong with her?

She's tired and worn out,

that's what's wrong with her.

She's working day and night,

trying to keep the
family together,

and it's beginning
to get her down.

She needs a vacation.

I've got an idea.

When she comes
home from work tonight,

be on your best behavior.

Give her a couple of
really relaxing hours.

Can we make a deal? All right.

Okay, we got a deal.

Okay, now I'm gonna
split. I don't wanna be here

when Hurricane Flo comes
flying back through, child.

I think Willona's right.

Ma does need a vacation.

Yeah, and more
than just a few hours.

Look at this brochure
on Lake Geneva.

It is bad!

I wish Ma could go.

Hey, well, let's stop wishing.

Let's make it happen.

J.J., we don't have $48.

The only way we can
send Ma to Lake Geneva

is to mail her!

Well, let's all chip in.

Thelma, how much you got?

Ten dollars. I have 10 dollars.

Michael, how much you got?

Hey, well, I got six, man.

That would get her
to the bus station.

Yeah, if she don't get mugged.

Sixteen dollars.

Now, is that all we
can come up with?

What do you mean, all
we could come up with?

Where's your money?

Unfortunately, all
my available funds

are tied up in
pork belly futures.

What are you talking about,

"pork belly futures?"

Well, I was hoping
to have a date

with a certain Ms. Nancy
Ritter on Friday night,

to the chitterling party.

If you don't come
across with the money,

your face is gonna be
tied up in fat lip futures.

All right.

All right.

Turn your back
and close your eyes.

Oh, Michael, he's going
for the money belt now.

[LAUGHS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

All right, y'all can
turn around now.

You got it from that money sock

you keep on that string, huh?

How'd you know that?

Well, when Ma thought
you had a hernia,

it turned out to be
$5.00 in pennies.

Come on, J.J., how much you got?

I got 14 dollars.

Um, altogether, that's $30.

All we need is 18 more dollars.

How are we gonna get $18?

Hey, maybe the travel agent

will let us make a
partial payment now,

and come up with the rest later.

Hey, stay cool.

I'll handle this... [LAUGHS]

But this is going
to take somebody

with the diplomatic
skills of Henry the K...

and the sweet moves of Dr. J.

And all we got is somebody

with the diplomacy
of Phyllis Diller

and the silky moves
of old Godzilla.

All right, I'll
see you all later.

All right. See you.

Thelma, you better make sure

you hang onto that brochure.

It might be the closest

Ma will ever get to Lake Geneva.

Hey, Michael, what you doing?

Getting ready to dry
my sneakers in the oven.

Oh, no, you're not.

My chicken's in there.

Now, if you think Ma
was cranky before,

wait till she comes home

and eats a piece of
chicken that tastes like a foot.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

The way you cook chicken, girl,

anything's an improvement.

Hey, J.J., what you got there?

Voilà!

You're looking at Ma's vacation!

J.J., is this how Ma's going

to Lake Geneva?

In a box?

He is gonna mail her.

Come on, J.J., is this
the best you could do

with the travel agent?

Well...

Ma's got reservations
for Friday, you all,

and this is how
she's gonna get there.

J.J., you're gonna send Ma

to Lake Geneva in
her underwear, huh?

She's gonna look pretty
funny in that hotel lobby.

She ain't gonna be
wearing the underwear.

Good.

We're gonna be
selling the underwear,

and with the money that we make,

we're gonna send
Ma to Lake Geneva.

Uh-uh, you're gonna
return that underwear

and get our money back.

That's right.

Either that, or we're
gonna put your nose

in your hip pocket.

Now, wait a minute.

I can't do that, Michael.

I brought it from a
warehouse, and the man,

the next to last thing he
told me was, "No refunds."

What was the last thing?

He said, "So long, sucker."

J.J., you have the
intelligence of a Q-tip.

How did you get conned
into such a stupid scheme?

Pure luck.

I was coming out
of the travel agency

when I met my man, Gary Tomkins.

You remember Gary?

That dimmy?

Man, he went to trade
school for two years

to become an elevator operator.

Well, anyway,
Gary is now working

for an underwear company
that's going bankrupt,

and he tipped me to
this real shrewd deal.

J.J., you didn't
put all our money

in this real shrewd
deal, did you?

Certainly not.

I spent $12.50 for $125
worth of underwear,

ten dollars to the travel
agency for a deposit for Ma's trip,

a mere $5 to Gary for
tipping me to this bonanza,

and a few meager
little pennies for me,

to buy some Snicker bars
to replenish my strength

after carrying that heavy
box all the way home.

Okay, J.J., give us
what you've got left.

Voilà!

A Snicker bar?

All right, Michael,

I guess we're stuck with
the underwear. Yeah.

And you, mister, tell us
how we're gonna sell it.

Hey, no problem at all.

Now, see, peoples
will go without a coat,

they will go without shoes,

but no one in this
vast, wide world

wants to go without underwear.

You see, underwear is lucky.

J.J., what are
you talking about?

It's like Ma always says,

"Always wear clean underwear,

just in case you
get into an accident."

And you see, I've been
wearing clean underwear

all my life,

and I ain't never
been in an accident.

You mean you were
born with that face?

All right, J.J.,

tell us where we're
gonna put this stuff,

so Ma won't see it.

In Thelma's room.
It's only for one day.

Yeah, and how are we
gonna let everybody know

we're selling drawers?

Advertise it on TV?

Plain and simple.

Just tell Willona, and
swear her to secrecy.

Oh, J.J., if you
pull this one off,

you're gonna be the
apple of Ma's eye.

Yeah, and if I don't,

I'll be known as...
the Fruit of the Loom.

Hey, J.J., I just set the table.

What you doing?

I'm clearing the table.

We didn't eat yet.

I know that, but we gotta

make believe like we did.

See, those people
are gonna be here

buying them
underwear pretty soon,

and we've gotta
get Ma out of here

as soon as possible.

J.J., she's gonna catch on.

You just know she is.

Oh, no, she ain't, Michael.

We tell her that we ate already,

Thelma cooked the
meal, and it was great!

But then she'll
know we're lying.

J.J., you think Willona
spread the word

about the underwear?

Are you kidding?

Willona, the Galloping
Gossip of the Ghetto?

If her mouth were any bigger,

you could hold a
garage sale in there.

Well, I don't know

what's taking Ma
so long this morning.

I don't think this
thing is gonna work.

Relax, Michael.

She's in there getting
dressed for church.

Hey, that's great.

Going to church always puts
her in a good mood. Yeah.

MICHAEL: Yeah.

Well, hello there, mother dear.

Don't you look
lovely this morning.

I swear, you never
stop getting younger.

J.J., if you don't shut up,

I swear you're gonna
stop getting older.

Now, what do you
kids want for breakfast?

On, nothing, Ma.

We already ate.

Thelma cooked the
meal, and it was delicious.

Wasn't it?

Oh, yeah, Ma, it was delicious.

We had oatmeal.

Sorry you missed it, Ma.

Yeah, well, I guess
you overslept, Ma.

Well, just time

for a quick, little
cup of coffee,

and then it's off to church.

Oh, J.J., I've got
plenty of time.

Oh, no, you don't, Mama.

[LAUGHS]

You see, the rev called,

and he said he'd like
to have you at church

a little early this morning.

Yeah, Ma, and he
had a good reason too.

Yeah? What was it?

Uh, what was the reason?

Um, I don't know.

Thelma took the message! Thelma.

Uh, you know... You know, Ma,

just as the reverend was
about to give me the reason,

J.J. snatched the
phone out of my hand.

J.J.?

[MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY]

What happened there,
you see, was, uh...

Wanda got a little
sick this morning,

and the rev needs an
extra person in the choir.

And he asked me?

Why not, Ma?

Maybe he's never heard you sing.

Michael, get Ma's
coat, will you, please?

And, Thelma, get her bag.

Okay.

Wait a minute, J.J.,

something smells fishy.

[SNIFFS]

Mm, I told you, Thelma
cooked the breakfast!

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Get the phone.

I'll get it.

I'll get it, children.

Hello?

I don't know what
this world is coming to.

Who was that, Ma?

Some pervert.

He asked me if he
could come around here

and see my underwear.

Well, Ma, it's time to go.

J.J., stop shoving me!

Is everything all right?

Oh, Ma, everything's okay.

Now, we'll see you later.

Go ahead.

You're darn right you will.

So clean that kitchen,

straighten up your
room, and dust in here.

Say hello to the
deacon for me, will you?

Well, let's get out
the underwear.

Oh, hold it. You know Ma.

Now, you know her.

ALL: I said, smoke!

Now?

Now. Come on.

Come on. Let's go.

WILLONA: I saw your mama go.

Now, bring on the customers.

Don't worry, Willona.

They'll be here shortly.

You know, the smart buyer

doesn't rush out first thing.

Forget the smart buyer.

What we need is a weird buyer.

Uh, Michael, you see,
these are seconds.

They have some
slight imperfections.

Hey, slight imperfections?

This looks like it
belongs to the circus.

Child, if David had this,

he could knock off Goliath
and two of his brothers.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Well, this could be
opportunity knocking.

Display the goods.

Okay.

All right, we got them.

Y'all open yet?

Just waiting for
you, young lady,

just waiting for you.

Something in a frilly
lace for yourself?

Oh, no, I want some
simple underpants

for my granddaughter.

Oh, well,

then you want to speak
to our Mr. Michael.

Mr. Miguel.

Mr. Miguel?

He's in charge of our
jolly junior department,

and, don't forget,

we only have a one-price policy.

Everything only 50 cents,

so just go ahead and browse.

Make yourself right at home.

Hold on, J.J.

Ain't no way you'll get me
to sell no girls' underwear.

Michael, don't think
of it as girl's underwear.

Think of it as Ma's vacation.

Head on over there, brother.

Easy, now.

MICHAEL: Yes,
miss, may I help you?

Oh, these are lovely.

Oh, they're lovely.

Do you have a training bra?

A training bra? I quit!

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Welcome, one and
all, to Underwear City.

Be it winter, spring,
summer, or autumn,

we can cover your top
and warm your bottom!

[TALKING AT ONCE]

J.J.: Come right on in.

Just browse.

Everything's only 50 cents.

Fifty cents?

Now, how can you
sell it so cheap?

Girl, all this stuff's
got to be hot.

That's right.

It's not hot, ladies.

I just brought it at a bargain.

Sure, we know it ain't hot.

Yes, sir, what can I do for you?

I'm looking for
something for my wife.

Oh, yeah? What size is she?

Have you tried a leash?

Thelma, bring over
our large, extra-large,

and el gruesos.

Say, mister, do you
have a training bra?

Training bra, let me
take a look in here.

I don't see anything
with wheels on it.

WILLONA: Welcome, one and all,

to Underwear City.

Fifty cents an item,
50 cents, that's all.

It's all hot.

Willona, there are
some weird folks

running around in here.

Honey, tell me.

A chick wanted to buy
six pair of undershorts

for her husband,
in six different sizes.

Here, miss.

Do you have a training bra?

If you could train
this, it's yours.

Oh, thank you, honey.

This is just right for
my cousin Louella.

Oh, well, I understand
we're selling underwear here.

Yeah, Bookman,

and you should
feel right at home...

because we've got every size

from rhino rump to buffalo butt.

Speaking of home,

your next one's
gonna be in the park.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about you,

violating Article five,
Section three of your lease.

I mean, using this apartment
for commercial purposes.

Come on, Bookman,
give us a break.

We're trying to raise some money
so our ma can go on a vacation.

These sure are smart.

Hey, look here, Bookman.

How many pair of
underwear do you want?

You know, after all,

you're one of my
favorite families.

All right, Bookman,
how many pair?

Well, I figure
six ought to do it.

Why not make it an even dozen?

Well, okay, then, 13.

Thirteen, huh?

A typical Booger's dozen.

The name is Bookman.

B-O-O-K-M-A-N.

Hey, give the man
100 for spelling!

And 100 for splitting.

Get out of here, fat boy.

J.J., that Booger
ripped us off again.

Oh, no, he didn't.

Those were seconds.

What was wrong with them?

No flies.

We got him good.

Well, I'm going to run.

Oh, Flo.

What are you doing back here?

I thought you went to church.

Well, I changed my mind.

You know, I
started to feel guilty

about how rough
I was on the kids,

so I thought I'd spend
the day with them.

Oh, but that's... That's nice.

That's nice.

You know, but they'd
be much happier

if you went back to church, Flo.

Show me a black man
wearing red underwear,

and I'll show you

a black woman
sleeping by herself.

Willona.

Huh?

They came out of my apartment!

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

How could they come
out of your apartment?

Ridiculous.

Hurry up, Edna,

they'll be all out of my size.

Now, just a cotton-picking...

Flo, wait, wait a
minute, will you, please?

Will you wait a minute?

What's going on?

Who are these people?

J.J., what is all this
underwear doing around here?

What underwear?

Don't you "what underwear?" me!

Hey, lady, don't shout.

Just help yourself

to some of this hot
underwear here.

Hot underwear?

All right.

Everybody out!

Out. Out!

Let go.

Hold it.

Not you three.

J.J., Michael,
Thelma, get over here.

Now, I want some answers,

and they better be good ones!

Well, for one thing, Ma,

this stuff is not stolen.

Yeah, we brought
it from a warehouse.

How dare you lie to me!

This is the worst
thing you've ever done.

But, Ma, we're
not lying... Shut up!

You're in enough
trouble right now, mister.

Flo, they had a
very good reason.

What kind of a
reason could they have

for doing a foolish
thing like this?

They was trying to get enough
to send you to Lake Geneva...

I don't care where
they were trying

to send... Say what?

They wanted to surprise you.

They were gonna
send me to Lake...

Lake Geneva? Yeah.

Unfortunately, we couldn't
raise enough money.

You all were gonna
send me to Lake Geneva?

Yeah, Ma,

we figured you
needed the vacation.

Yeah, either you or us.

If that isn't just
about the nicest thing

you've ever done.

Oh, kids, I'm sorry
for the way I behaved.

Hey, Ma, we understand.

We're just sorry we didn't
make enough money.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Excuse me,

I heard you could
get a good deal

on some drawers here.

I'm sorry, bro, but
the business is closed.

Closed?

With all this stuff here?

Oh, well, then,

you want to speak
to our Miss Florita.

Hey, sir,

can we show you
some of our underwear?

I called you earlier.

♪ Mmm... ♪

♪ Just looking
Out of the window ♪

♪ Watching the asphalt grow ♪

♪ Thinking how It all
looks hand-me-down ♪

♪ Good Times ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Good Times ♪

♪ Keeping your
head Above water ♪

♪ Making a wave when you can ♪

♪ Temporary layoffs ♪

♪ Good Times ♪

♪ Easy credit rip-offs ♪

♪ Good Times ♪

ANNOUNCER: Good Times is
videotaped in front of a studio audience.

♪ Good Times ♪♪