04x20 - Klink's Old Flame

[bunniefuu]

Look, Willy, you're asking
us to do the impossible.

I know, Colonel, but these
radios must be delivered

to the underground
in France immediately.

They are essential
for the invasion.

If anyone expects
us to get through,

they've got to be barmy.

Couldn't the radios
be parachuted in?

Too dangerous.

If they fell into German hands,

they might suspect
the invasion is imminent.

Well, if you can't get to
France through the roadblocks,

I don't know how we can.

Shh! I hear footsteps.

Colonel Hogan, I didn't
know you were in there.

Come on, Hans.

You've broken up more meetings

with that pitchfork.

We'll put you in for
a purple heart, sir.

Thanks a lot.

You know, we really ought
to have these rendezvous

out in the open.

It'd be a lot safer.

Here are the five radios.

Why don't you keep
them at the farm

until we figure out how
to get them to France?

But if the Boche should find
us with them, we'd all be sh*t.

They find us with the radios,

I don't think we'll get
a hug and a kiss either.

I am sorry, Colonel,
I have no right

to ask you to undertake
such a dangerous mission.

Nah, nah, we'll deliver them.

But if the guards
in your prison camp

should find out
about these radios,

how would you explain it?

Tell them we were desperate.

How long can you go without
the music of Guy Lombardo?

You are going to throw a
card, aren't you, Carter?

I'm thinking.

That's your big mistake.

Oh, I see what's wrong.

The mixed deal?

No, I've got gin rummy.

I don't know why I play
cards with amateurs.

I don't, really.

All right, fellas,

let me have your attention.

I think I've got an idea.

About the radios, Colonel?

Yeah, there's only one answer.

Somebody's got to deliver
them across the French border.

What time do you want
me to leave, Colonel?

I knew I could count
on you, LeBeau,

but I don't want
you to go alone.

I'll go with him.

Always glad to travel with
a man on a winning streak.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Colonel, you can't
send Carter to France.

He doesn't even
know the language.

Who doesn't know the language?

Merci, s'il vous
plaît and "ooh-la-la."

What happened to
"Mademoiselle from Armentières"?

Parlez-vous.

All right, all right, hold it.

He doesn't have to know French

when he's got LeBeau with him.

Right.

What if they should
get separated?

Why should they get separated?

I'll tell you why.

The minute they get
across the border,

LeBeau here's going to
find a little sidewalk café,

order a bottle of
wine just to celebrate.

He's going to
start feeling good,

he's going to order another one.

Suddenly that little waitress,

the plump one,
starts to look beautiful.

He goes off with her,

leaving Carter here to
have to pay the check

and not knowing the language.

That's a terrible
thing to say, Newkirk!

Take my word, before I
go off with the waitress,

I'll pay the check.

Oh, you're all French.

All right, I think it's best
that Carter go with him.

Hey, LeBeau, when
we get to France,

I'd like to see the Eiffel Tower

and the Louvre and
the Folies Bergères,

but not necessarily
in that order.

Oh, Colonel Hogan.

LeBEAU: Oh, Schultz again.

I guess

our "Do Not Disturb"
sign fell down.

Schultz, you
really should knock.

If there's anything I
hate, it's a pushy guard.

"Pushy guard."

There will be roll
call in ten minutes!

What for?

We had a roll call this morning.

Commandant Klink ordered
roll call every two hours,

barracks inspection
three times a day

and lights out at exactly 9:00.

All right, Schultz, you
got your laugh for today,

you can leave now.

And they say the Krauts
got no sense of humor.

The commandant is not joking.

Hey, uh, Schultz, -

Klink strike out
with the barmaid

at the beer hall again?

The barmaid?

Yeah, every time she
slaps him in the face,

he takes it out on us.

He sure does.

You can say that again, mate.

I assure you, the commandant

must have given the
subject some thought,

and he must have
very good reason for it.

After all, he comes
from a long line

of outstanding m*llitary men,

brilliant officers,
very intelligent,

clever and... very necessary.

On the other hand...

it could be the barmaid.

You think there might
have been a leak

about the radios, Colonel?

Yeah, I'm afraid so.

I'm going to find out
how much Klink knows.

Scratch the mission, huh?

Boy, there goes
my trip to France.

We'll make it up to you, Carter.

We'll all have a glass of wine,

I'll get LeBeau here to
sing the "Marseillaise,"

and we'll spray
the room with garlic.

Yes, those are
exactly my orders.

Send out all available
dogs and double the guard.

Hogan, Schultz gave you
your orders. Dismissed.

Look, if you're going
to make this place

into a Prisoner-of-w*r
camp, we're leaving.

I am in no mood for small talk.

Just because you strike
out with the barmaid

is no reason to
take it out on us.

Hogan, I do not believe that
the Geneva Convention demands

that I discuss my
social life with you.

No, but we'd like to
know why the roll calls,

the inspections and
the lights-out jazz.

Because we're having a visit

from Count Rudolf von
Heffernick, an SS general

who was one of
h*tler's closest advisers.

Well, the first thing he
ought to advise h*tler

is to shave off that
hokey moustache.

And another thing, Hogan...
During von Heffernick's visit,

if you or any of the prisoners

show any insubordination,

it's straight into the cooler.

Don't worry, we'll see
that the count puts in

a good word with Adolf for you.

Hogan, my promotion to
general has long been overdue.

Imagine... they promoted
Kleinschmidt in Stalag Nine

and he's had 12 escapes.

Kleinschmidt?!

He's not fit to
polish your head.

Dismissed.

All set?

Ready, Colonel.

All right, now remember,
make it look good.

Schultz has got to
believe you're escaping.

You can depend on me, Colonel.

Go ahead.

Good luck.

Psst.

Psst!

Schultz.

Escape.

Escape!

Wolfgang.

Wake up.

Wake up.

Don't lick my
face; lick his face.

Bertha... stop.

Wolfgang... speak.

Speak!

Speak, Wolfgang, speak.

Was ist denn los?

I surrender, Schultz!

I said, I surrender, Schultz!

Aah! Help, somebody!

Somebody kicked me!

Did you see who it was?

Don't sh**t, Schultz!

Don't sh**t!

Good work, Schultz.

Ah...!

Ho, ho... ooh!

Ah, you thought you... you...

you could escape, LeBeau, huh?

I should have
known better, Schultz.

You're always on your toes.

What's going on here?

I was trying to escape, sir,

but Sergeant Schultz
alertly captured me.

That's exactly what
happened, Herr Kommandant.

This will cost you
30 days in the cooler.

30 days?!

Oh, là, vous exagérez, alors!

I think you're
getting off lucky.

Hogan, I don't need any
confirmation from you.

Take him away!

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Let's go.

I'm sorry this
happened, Colonel.

But I want to thank you

for giving him such
a light sentence.

30 days in the cooler
is a light sentence?

Well, you could have
thrown the book at him

and had him transferred
to a prison in France.

Why would I send
LeBeau to a French prison?

Ah, you're right.

No sense rubbing
it in to LeBeau.

I mean, sending him to a prison

where he could look through the
barbed wire at his beloved homeland.

Nobody deserves
that kind of punishment.

Good night.

Hogan, wait!

Tomorrow, Corporal LeBeau

will be transferred
to Stalag Four,

which is 40 miles
outside of Paris.

Oh, come on, Colonel!

Hogan!

Dismissed.

All right, everybody!

All right, all right!

Fall in!

Fall in, mach schnell,

schnell, schnell,
schnell, schnell!

All right, all right!

Roll call, roll call!

What did you find out
about LeBeau's transfer?

He's being shipped
out this afternoon, sir,

at 4:00 in truck 279.

Yeah, there's only one guard
on duty at the motor pool.

I'm sure we can stick
the radios under the truck.

I contacted the French
underground, alerted them.

All right, I'll find
out the exact route

the truck's taking from Hilda.

Attention!

Now a few words
from our commandant.

Last night, Corporal LeBeau

was foolhardy enough
to attempt an escape.

As you can see, it failed.

And do you know why it failed?

Because of the fast, alert
thinking of Sergeant Schultz.

Silence, Dummkopf.

It was because I run an
escape-proof prison camp.

Now, it is evident
that Corporal LeBeau

does not like it
here at Stalag 13,

so I have ordered him to
be transferred to Stalag Four.

Colonel Klink, you do
not mean Stalag Four.

I don't?

Stalag Four is in France.

No one in their right
mind would return

a French prisoner of
w*r to his own country,

which would encourage
further escapes,

where he knows the language

and could expect every
cooperation from the people.

Did I say Stalag Four?

No.

I mean Stalag 14... Colditz!

That makes more sense.

Dismissed!

Let's hear from you, Colonel...

even if it's only
another brilliant plan

on how to get me to France.

To tell you the truth,
Count von Heffernick,

my saying that I
was sending LeBeau

to a prison camp in France

was not just a
slip of the tongue.

It was not?

KLINK: Oh, no, no, no.

I wanted to get his hopes up

and then throw cold
water in his face.

Ah, it's so much
fun to be cruel.

Can you believe him?

Any news on what route
they're sending LeBeau?

No, Klink's still
doing a cop-out

for Count von Heffernick.

We've got to find a way

to keep LeBeau
from going to Colditz.

We owe it to him.

Yes, you certainly do.

Hey, hold it, hold it.

The conversation's
getting a bit spicy now.

You don't have to
play games with me.

I know all about you
and Marlene Schneider.

Believe me, Count
von Heffernick,

Marlene and I were
just good friends.

You were sweethearts.

Oh... oh... no, no, no.

This happened many years ago.

We were just children.

It was puppy love.

Puppy love?

Marlene says you
were quite a dog.

Believe me, Count
von Heffernick...

I invited Marlene here
for a very special reason.

What was that?

I wanted to find out for myself

if there was still
anything between you.

If not, we will be married

and spend our
honeymoon in Paris.

Oh, I can assure you,
Count von Heffernick,

that Marlene does not
still carry the torch for me.

If she does, you would be
very wise to borrow that torch.

It would come in
very useful to you...

on the Russian front!

How about that?

Casanova Klink.

I can't believe it.

Who'd be carrying
a torch for Klink?

He said Marlene Schneider,
not Marlene Dietrich.

Gentlemen, we've got work to do.

What, Colonel?

We've got to make sure
that the count and Marlene

make that honeymoon
trip to Paris.

Well, why do we
have to play Cupid?

Because we have the
perfect wedding gift for them.

What's that?

Five shortwave radios.

Oh.

Can I come in, or you
two want to be alone?

Please, Hogan, I'm tired of
your warped sense of humor.

Well, I just wanted to
discuss the LeBeau situation.

I've got my own problems.

How could a man like
you have problems?

The idol of the guards,

tops in the prison camp game,

a man women find irresistible.

Hogan, don't say that.

Since when is being
irresistible a problem?

Because Marlene
Schneider, my old flame,

is coming to this camp.

Well, why should
that be a problem?

She is Count von
Heffernick's fiancée.

Oh.

Well, don't worry
about it, Commandant.

Maybe she's gotten over you.

They never do.

Besides that, he's very jealous.

If he thinks that Marlene
still is in love with me,

that is the end of my promotion.

After all, she... she is
still engaged to the count.

Well, maybe she'll be
able to control her feelings.

Control her feelings?

The woman is not made of stone.

Yeah. I wish I could
help you, Commandant,

but I'm afraid I...

Wait a minute.

I got an idea.

What is it, Hogan? What? What?

First, we're going to
have to make a deal.

Make a deal?

Do you realize I could be
sent to the Russian front?

I'll be glad to save you
from the Russian front

if you save LeBeau from Colditz.

You're not going to
blackmail me, Hogan.

All right.

But it's going to be
a little embarrassing

when Marlene Schneider
takes a look at you

and suddenly starts ripping
the swastikas off your uniform.

All right, all right, Hogan.

LeBeau stays.

Good.

What about Marlene?

Well, the first thing
we've got to do is destroy

that image of the handsome,
dashing pilot she still has.

That's impossible.

I'm more handsome and
dashing now than I ever was.

Yeah, well, it's
going to be difficult.

You don't seem to
understand, Hogan,

but the men in the Klink
family age gracefully.

As we grow older, we become
more attractive to women.

Only last week, my
90-year-old grandfather

was grabbed in the park
by three h*tler Youth girls.

You do have a problem,

but I think I know a way we
can throw some cold water

on that old flame.

Oh, my feet are k*lling me!

I'm so tired!

Why don't you come
in and sit down?

Oh, danke!

I'll stand guard for a while.

You are so considerate.

Jolly joker!

All right, Schultz.

How's it going, LeBeau?

It's a terrible place to visit,

but I would hate to live here.

All right, let him out,
Schultz, he's free.

Oh, just like that.

Let him out, Colonel, huh?

You heard him. Come on.

You think this is a forgery?

Oh, you admit it?

I knew I couldn't trust you.

The commandant just
signed it a little while ago.

I don't trust him, either.

Schultz, be sensible,
use your head.

In our army, it's
against the regulations.

I'll break down that
door, so help me!

Easy, LeBeau, easy.

If you break the door down,

you are going to pay for it.

Look, Schultz, we can
settle this very easily.

Get the commandant on the phone,

ask him if he
signed these orders.

Marvelous idea.

No wonder you're an officer.

All right, give me the keys.

Now, wait a minute.

First I have to
look at the orders.

You're not alone in
this w*r, you know?

Schultz, open this cell
or no more strudel for you.

Be nice to him,
Schultz, he's a big tipper.

Would you like to taste it?

I don't like this signature.

There is something
phony about it.

Go call.

I think I will.

Give me the commandant.

Herr Kommandant,
this is Sergeant Schultz

speaking from the cooler.

I'm on guard here.

Herr Kommandant...

Danke.

Herr Kommandant,
a few minutes ago

Colonel Hogan
came with the orders

for the release of
the prisoner LeBeau.

I did not like your
signature on the release.

Oh, please.

Herr Kommandant,
it's nothing personal,

but I raised the question:

Is this your signature on
the release of the prisoner

or is it not?

Very clever of me, huh?

Hmm?

Well, I could be a Dummkopf
and clever at the same time,

couldn't I, Herr Kommandant?

Colonel Klink, I believe

your friend Marlene
Schneider's coming.

Thank you, Fräulein Hilda.

Oh, may I help you?

Is Colonel Klink busy?

Who should I say is calling?

Marlene Schneider.

I'll announce you.

Oh, don't bother.

I'd rather surprise him.

Willy?

Marlene!

Sweetheart!

How wonderful to see you again.

I'm still the same
passionate lover, huh?

I've never seen this
side of you before.

It's the w*r.

Who knows, Marlene?

Today we live, tomorrow we die.

In a prison camp?

You're safer here than if
you were a civilian in Berlin.

Have a drink, Marlene!

No, thank you, Willy.

To our reunion.

Really, Willy.

Excuse me, Colonel Klink,

but I have some
forms for you to fill out...

in duplicate.

All right, Klink, knock it off!

Hogan, I'm still
running this camp!

And doing a lousy job of it.

Fräulein Hilda, get
some black coffee.

I'll try to sober him up again.

You mean he's this way often?

Only Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays.

The other days,
he's sleeping it off.

Hilda, never mind the coffee!

Have a drink.

No, thanks, Colonel.

One of us has to stay sober.

I've never heard of a
prisoner of w*r camp like this.

Yeah, neither have we.

Around here, punishment
is not getting white wine

with the fish. Oh, thank
you, Fräulein Hilda.

Ah!

No, come on, Klink!
Just the black coffee.

Hmm.

Oi!

Is this Count von
Heffernick's car?

Ja.

Oh, good, we were told

to come and work on it.

There is nothing
for you to work on.

I have put this car
in perfect condition.

Is that so?

I don't think the count
will be very happy

when he see where you
scraped the paint off the door.

What's that?

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

I did not do that.

I don't think the count's
going to believe you, mate.

Fortunately, my friend Carter
here is a body and paint man.

I could fix this up
in about a half hour.

Good. Why don't you
go and keep guard

and let us know when
the count's coming, right?

Ja. Ja.

Off you go, then.

That's why you Americans
are losing the w*r.

You drink coffee;
we drink schnapps.

I think you've had
enough schnapps, Willy.

Marlene Schneider!

When did you arrive?

Colonel Hogan, did you
get that old souse sober?

Who's an old souse?

You are, you old souse.

I will not tolerate
any disrespect!

Throw yourself
into the guardhouse.

I would, Willy, if there would
be someone there to guard me.

More desertion, Schultz?

11 more guards this morning.

11 of my men deserted me?

But don't worry, Klink.

11 prisoners went with them.

Oh, you absolutely disgust me.

I always suspected you were a
coward and I knew you were vain,

but... but I never thought
you'd come to this.

You certainly know how
to hurt a person, Marlene.

Watch it, will you?

Give me another minute.

Well, how much longer?

Aw, do me a favor.

I thought you were supposed
to be looking for the count.

Well, well...

We try to do you people a favor.

I do not understand it.

All set.

Have a look at this, Otto.

You all through with it?

Yeah.

Now, what do you
think of that, then?

Oh, that's wunderbar.

Danke schön.

Oh, anytime, mate, anytime.

Danke vielmals.

Pleasure.

Come on, Carter.

He just called me a fieldmouse.

Oh, no, it's a term
of endearment.

Please, Marlene, don't leave me.

I never want to see you again.

Klink.

Oh, Liebchen!

Take me out of here
as quickly as possible.

I have arranged all that;
we will leave tomorrow.

Couldn't we leave tonight?

You wouldn't want to leave
on your wedding night, hmm?

Wedding night?!

Who is she marrying?

Me.

Oh, darling!

Why, I must go and
telephone my mother

and tell her the good news.

Natürlich.

Well, Klink, I'm quite sure
that Marlene will forget you now,

but I assure you, I
shall remember you...

always.

Thank you, Count von Heffernick.

Well, we'd better get used
to calling you "General."

Thank you.

Congratulations, Willy.

"Willy"?!

N-N-No, I mean
"Commandant Willy."

I mean C-C-C-Commandant Klink.

Well, congratulations,
Countess von Heffernick.

Your plan worked beautifully.

What plan?

Baiting the count with
memories of "Hot Lips" Klink.

You're very perceptive.

Just out of curiosity,

did Klink ever get past
a handshake with you?

Well, as a matter of fact,

today was the first
time he ever kissed me.

Congratulations, Count.

Have a nice trip to Paris.

Danke.

Did you notify the
French underground

the radios are on the way?

Yep.

How will they be
able to spot the car?

They won't have any trouble.

I know some people
might think it cruel

to destroy a woman's memory,

but in the long run,
Marlene is better off.

The count is a very fine man.

He has recommended
me for promotion to general.

Oh, congratulations.

Oh, wonderful.

Colonel, the gate called.

The general's car's coming in.

That means Marlene
and the count are back.

Hilda, come back here, quick.

All right, Klink, cut that out!

You're setting a bad
example for my men!

You heard what he said!

Willy, this is a m*llitary post

and not a Hofbräu!

Klink!

Oh, General Burkhalter.

I did not expect you here.

I'm sure of that.

I just ran into Count
von Heffernick.

Oh.

He gave me this note,

recommending
you for a promotion.

It's very nice of you to
bring this to me personally.

Not at all.

Uh, no.

Here.

Oh.

Read it.