04x23 - The Witness

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Hogan's Heroes". Aired: September 17, 1965 - April 4, 1971.*
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Hogan's Heroes centers on U.S. Army Air Forces Colonel Robert Hogan and his staff of experts who are prisoners of w*r during World w*r II.
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04x23 - The Witness

Post by bunniefuu »

Allow me, General von Rauscher.

Thank you, Klink.

Definitely a pleasure,
General von Rauscher.

This American colonel,
Klink... this, uh...

Hogan, Putzi, Hogan.

Hogan... how would
you describe him?

Describe Hogan?

Well, I would say
that he is, um, unique.

Definitely unique.

Klink!

Yes, General?

A prisoner may have
a unique commandant,

but a commandant
has only prisoners!

Remember that, Klink!

A commandant
with unique prisoners

is a commandant
we can do without.

Oh, I couldn't agree
with you more, sir.

Could not agree with you more.

But, Putzi, Hogan is unique.

Which is why, Marya,

I am making this
unique playmate of yours

part of our unique experiment.

Have you ever seen
such jealousy ever, Klink?

Tell me.

Well, yes...

and no.

MARYA: Putzi, stop it.

You're terrible.

They are nothing
more than good friends.

I can tell.

Listen to him.

He can tell.

I would swear that
this woman is just...

All right, hold it.

I want to hear about
the experiment.

Putzi, stop it.

Good friends?

Disregard appearances.

Von Rauscher...

Von Rauscher.

I've heard that name, Colonel.

He's one of their bright boys

in new-weapons development.

Yeah, but what's he
doing here with her?

Schultz is coming.

All right, keep listening
and don't miss a word.

Colonel Hogan?!

Yes.

Oh, Colonel Hogan,
you're wanted immediately

in the office of
Commandant Klink

by order of General
von Rauscher.

What's it all about, Schultz?

My lips are sealed.

Oh, naturally, uh,

but, uh, you do have an
ear to the ground, Schultz.

Well, all I know is

that woman is here
again... that Russian.

Remember, she was also here

when the rocket-fuel
depot blew up.

What do they want with me?

My impression is that the woman,

at the time of the
big boom-boom,

was madly in love with you.

My impression also is
that at the present time,

she is madly in love with
General von Rauscher.

Therefore, Colonel Hogan...

Therefore what, Schultz?

Therefore, I would
rather be me than you.

Shall we go?

General von Rauscher,

Colonel Hogan.

Sir.

Do not salute me, Hogan.

Kiss me.

Colonel Robert Hogan...

Senior prisoner-of-w*r officer.

The iron control of this
man... The long winter nights

he has spent on his prison
cot, dreaming of my embrace.

Fortunately that is now over.

What did you see in him, Marya?

He forced himself on me,

and I adored it.

General von Rauscher...

Quiet!

He will do.

He is adequate.

Adequate?

He is sensational.

Adequate!

Hogan, did you
know the w*r is over?

The w*r is over?

Who won?

Dismiss this man!

Schultz, dis... missed!

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

You do not seem to be surprised

by the news, Hogan.

Not really, but I must say

you put up a game little fight.

Not only is the w*r over,
Hogan, another surprise...

You are the one who will
tell the Allies they have lost.

Well, General, although I
appreciate your asking...

We are not offering
you a choice.

We are giving you an order.

Yes, Hogan, an order!

Your m*llitary specialty, Klink,

is interpreter?

Interpreter?

Definitely not.

Because I believe that calls

for a rating of full corporal.

Of course, sir.

That's very fair, too.

So, Hogan,

through the good offices
of our mutual friend here...

Thanks a lot.

It was nothing, darling.

You have been chosen

to be the witness of a
historic demonstration

of a new w*apon developed
under my command,

which will convince
the Allies all is useless.

After the demonstration,
you will fly back

to the United
States with the news.

Why do you want a witness?

Don't tell me you're not
going to try this thing out

on a live target.

Of course a live target.

But the most difficult,

the most elusive
target imaginable.

Once that target vanishes,

you will corroborate
that we hit exactly

and precisely what we aimed for.

You will be doing your country
and England a great favor.

What about Russia?

We are hopeful that the
United States and England

will then join us in our little
crusade against the East.

Don't hang by your thumbs.

That is all, Hogan!

Pack your gear.

We leave within the hour.

Terribly sorry to
lose you, Hogan.

You are not losing
him yet, Klink.

But the General said...

You are coming along

to be in charge of
Hogan's security.

And if he escapes...

up against the wall, Klink.

Up against the wall.

The General certainly
has a way with words.

Any more questions?

Just one: Why me?

Because of what we
once had together.

I'm asking you, General.

Why me?

I will tell you.

Marya has intimated to me

that your role here at Stalag 13

is not entirely, shall
we say, passive.

I don't understand, General.

You will.

Her little hint fits in with what
we know about this area...

A center for sabotage,

clandestine operations,

commandos, everything!

Surely the General...

You are interpreting again!

"Corporal Klink"...

It has a nice ring to it, no?

"Corporal Klink"...

It has a nice ring to it, yes.

So, Hogan,

by reassigning you, so to speak,

we are k*lling two
birds with one stone.

Clever.

Diabolically.

Do not thank me, Hogan.

You will make it up
to me... in other ways.

Perhaps she's under
the influence of dr*gs.

All right, all right,
it was just an idea.

All right, look, I'll try
to get in touch with you

wherever they take me.

Above all, keep loose.

If they come after
you, fold up Stalag 13.

What?!

You've got to be joking, sir.

Fold up Stalag 13?!

That's an order.

Yes, sir. Right, sir.

All right, Colonel.

Roger, Colonel.

If there's anything
that can be done

about their so-called
superweapon, I'll try to do it.

If not...

You know, sir,

I kind of always thought

that if there was to
be an ultimate w*apon,

it would've been mine.

You did fine, Carter.

All of you.

Colonel Hogan.

Yeah, I know,
Schultz, time to go.

Although I don't
know where it is,

I'm supposed to go with you,

guarding you from escaping.

You do not intend
to escape, do you?

We'll see, Schultz.

Because I did not like the way

General von Rauscher
said, "Up against the wall."

I'm not quite sure
what it means,

but I'm quite
sure I don't like it.

Schultz, if you don't mind...

Oh, excuse me.

Of course.

I'll wait outside.

Who won the w*r?

It's still up for grabs.

Good.

I'm bipartisan myself.

Well, fellas, I guess
I've said everything

that has to be said.

If we don't meet
again, it's been fun.

Good luck.

Good-bye, sir.

Thanks, Carter.

Well, you see it, Hogan.

What do you think, huh?

Looks like a standard
V2 rocket to me.

Correct, on the outside.

But on the inside

where Dr. Zagoskin is working,

it is vastly different.

I'd like to see that.

Sorry, my dear Hogan.

I told you, Putzi,
he's always thinking.

What's inside, a new
guidance system?

Years ahead of its time...

Infallible, sophisticated.

In one sec, it will home
in on any target, Hogan,

any target...
Stationary or moving.

You're happy for us, Hogan.

"Us"?

Of course.

Zagoskin is a
Russian... A genius.

You deserve each other.

As a m*llitary man,

you will see what this means.

Once in mass production,

we will be able to
sh**t down at will

any train, plane, ship;

hit any single vital factory;

blast any armored columns.

Hogan, in your own
terms, you have had it.

My warmest congratulations
to the General.

I always said when you
find a smart Russian...

Oh, Schultz, be quiet.

So, uh, when's the
grand demonstration?

Tomorrow at midnight.

Zagoskin!

Zagoskin, come down!

I was about to tell our witness

of the target.

Somewhere in the
North Sea, Hogan,

the British battleship
Duke of York

is on patrol.

Where, we do not know.

We do not have to know.

The rocket will know.

Yes, Zagoskin?

Huh?

Oh, a battleship...
Not a problem, no.

The adjustment has been made.

Sometime after midnight,

the Duke of York

will simply vanish from
the surface of the sea.

Beautiful.

With 3,000 men.

A detail.

The theory will be
a submarine att*ck

or a giant mine.

But you, Hogan, will arrive

with the true story.

The United States and England

will quickly sue for peace.

All is clear?

Just one thing.

You're a Russian national?

Huh?

Oh, I suppose so.

Things like that,

they're not important to me.

You're aware if the Nazis
can use a thing like this

to knock us out of the w*r,

their next target is Russia?

Oh, there you are wrong.

I have been assured

it will never be used
against my Russia.

Never.

You're not only a traitor,

you're a fool.

Hogan...

you forget the w*r is over.

Not yet.

At least not until
tomorrow night.

Oh, and you are looking

for some way to alter
the course of history

or the course of the rocket?

Not necessarily,

not with Sergeant Schultz
and Colonel Klink to guard me.

That's true.

The General knows
my record at Stalag 13...

Not one escape, not one.

And never even any
monkey business?

Monkey business?

Never, General von Rauscher.

Never!

Ah!

Well, Hogan, I have
no more worries.

You better stay
away from that rocket!

Did you hear me?

What is going on there?

Back, back, all of you, back!

Who are you?

Major Hochstetter, Herr General,

in charge of security here.

And you're all much
too close to this rocket.

My dear Major, there
is no danger of it f*ring.

f*ring?

Who's worried about f*ring?

I'm worried about spying.

Are you aware that I am
in charge of this project

and that this is the inventor?

Until I clear you,

please stop inventing.

Who is that woman?

She is my interpreter,
Hochstetter.

Oh?

Yes, Major Hochstetter,
and I believe a full corporal.

What is this bungler doing here?

He's responsible for the
security of our witness.

I am responsible
for security here!

What witness?

Hi, there.

What is this man doing here?

Hochstetter, I am in
charge of this project,

and I am operating
under direct authority

of the German general staff.

Traitors, all of them.

What is this man doing here?

I am in charge of security!

What is this man doing here?!

He is our witness.

Witness?

You have chosen the
most dangerous man

in all Germany as a witness.

The Gestapo is taking over.

I will surround this
camp with a ring of steel.

Anyone within a hundred
yards of this rocket

will be sh*t and re-sh*t.

Major Hochstetter,

it's a pleasure to
have you aboard.

Oh, Colonel Hogan,

it seems you have a visitor.

What are you talking
about, Schultz?

The rules are no
visitors, but for that visitor,

I am convinced I
would be worse off

if I did not let
her in than if I did.

She's very much
like you, Colonel.

Mm-hmm.

I have come to
you, Hogan darling.

Yes, well...

You're not dying
from sheer desire?

Not the kind you mean, no.

Oh, again you misunderstand me.

I am on your side.

You are?

By telling von Rauscher

about our operation
at Stalag 13?

By contriving to get me
out of there and sent home?

By being part of a plot to
win the w*r for the Nazis?

Get off my side.

First time we're alone,
and you talk politics.

Oh, look...

I admit circumstantial
evidence is against me,

but I expected you
to have faith, Hogan.

You expect me to have what?

Faith.

My real mission is to
get Zagoskin out of here

and back to Russia.

I could have done it alone,

but there's so much more
fun together, Hogan, hmm?

That's your mission?

Of course.

You brought your men
with you from Stalag 13,

especially my... mmm...
Delicious small one, LeBeau?

No, I didn't bring your
delicious small one

or any other kind.

How was I to know?

Think with your heart, Hogan.

What about the rocket?

What do we do about that?

Do anything you want.

Do I know from rockets?

Yeah, it's against
my better judgment,

but I guess I'll
have to trust you.

Ah... you never could
resist me, Hogan.

Yeah, look, they must
have a shortwave set here.

Can you get access to it?

I've got access to you, darling.

Mm-hmm, I want you to transmit
this message, word for word,

and if luck is with us,
my boys will hear it.

I melt when you
trust me like this.

Hogan, this is highly irregular.

You would dare to interrupt
a Gestapo interrogation?!

The Gestapo?

Why, certainly not.

She's not a corporal, sir.

She's a lieutenant colonel.

She outranks Hochstetter.

While I have always cooperated
with the Gestapo most fully...

And my record is
quite clear on that...

Still, under the
circumstances, I feel obliged

that I must report this
to Major Hochstetter.

I would not.

You see, I am watching him.

Oh, of course.

That's most thorough.

Then I shall
mention it to no one?

No one!

Dismissed!

He's about to cr*ck.

At last...

we are almost alone.

What's with von Rauscher?

He will sleep until
the rocket launching.

Do not press me
for details, darling.

Okay, I won't.

Be as jealous as
you want, darling.

Yeah, later.

I've got to meet my
boys in the woods.

Zagoskin?

Oh, what a busy evening
it has been for me.

He is ready to
talk, to cry, to sing.

Is he a Russian?

He might have a
bad singing voice,

but we'd better talk to him now.

Hey, Zagoskin...

Zagoskin.

Oh, you... you... you
called me a traitor, a fool,

and you were right.

Well, nobody's perfect.

Ilich, Ilichska...

Stop that.

Not now.

Wake up. Wake up!

You hear me?

Are you up?

Hogan is my friend.

He's working with me.

He is on our side.

You hear me?

Mm-hmm.

We must have answers from you.

Life teaches only one thing:

There are no answers.

Look, make a guess.

What happens tonight
when your rocket goes up?

Oh, I was not taken in, no.

There you were wrong.

I knew they would use
it against my Russia.

Then why'd you make it?

Or did you?

Of course I made it!

I had this theory.

I wanted to see
if it would work.

It did!

It did.

Oh, it did.

Look, what happens tonight?

Does it wipe out the battleship?

Huh? Oh... battleship.

No, no.

What, then? What?

It will arise majestically...
fly from sight,

and exactly 18 minutes later,
return and k*ll everyone here,

including Ilich Igor Zagoskin.

I shall have atoned.

You don't come up with
any easy ones, do you?

Never.

All right, Carter,
give it back to me.

I want to make sure
we're all straight on this.

Yes, sir.

I go 100 yards due
south from here.

That puts me near the
perimeter to the camp.

At 2200 hours... 10:00...

I fire a couple of
bursts into camp,

and then I set off
my firecrackers.

Right.

Boy, I got some
beauties here, Colonel.

They're going to
sound like r*fle sh*ts.

I hope.

This is going to be

one of my greatest diversions.

As soon as you set them off,

come back here and
wait for the others.

Yes, sir.

The rest of you will be with me.

After, you return to Stalag
13 the same way you came.

What about you, Colonel?

If things work out,
I'll meet you there.

I told you, Colonel, right?

I said she's on our side.

I think she's on our side.

I'm not sure.

Good luck, Carter.

Okay, let's go.

All right, on your feet!

It's a partisan att*ck.

Join the other troops.

We'll guard the rocket. Now!

All right, you guys stand guard.

Come on, Kinch.

We got trouble coming, Colonel.

All right, behind the
rocket... come on.

What is happening here?

Where's the other guards?

It's a partisan att*ck.

The other guards went to fight.

I will have them sh*t.

Good work.

Danke.

Come with me, Klink.

To the fighting, Major?

Of course to the fighting.

Where, then?

You go ahead.

I meet you there.

I-I... I forgot my helmet.

Klink! Klink!

Dummkopf!

Schultz, guard this
rocket with your life.

Jawohl, Herr Major.

With my life?

You think there's
any danger here?

You're as safe as in your
mum's arms, Schultzy.

Good.

"Schultzy."

You!

Hi, Schultz.

Fancy meeting you here.

LeBeau!

Look over there, Schultz.

Like old home week.

I see nothing... nothing!

I do not like this.

Too many things are happening...

An att*ck that is not an att*ck,

guards deserting their posts.

And where is Zagoskin?

Sleeping.

We could not rouse him.

Well, if anything goes wrong,

I will find ways of rousing him.

Quiet!

Countdown.

Countdown.

Exciting, isn't it?

Quiet!

Eight, seven, six, five, four,

three, two,

one... fire!

Bunglers! Traitors!

Someone will pay for this.

Heads will roll.

I don't understand.

Every test was perfect.

Hogan, from the
first, I suspected you.

What do you have to say?

Well, back to the
old drawing board.

Berlin is calling
every minute...

"What happened to
the Duke of York?"

Nothing is what happened
to the Duke of York!

Bad scene, Major.

Hogan, I will not go down alone.

If my head is to
roll, all heads will roll.

Except, Major, I quite
clearly had no part

in this whole affair.

Therefore, I...

All heads will roll.

All heads will roll.

Oh, that's quite
democratic, sir.

Poor Putzi... so
handsome and so unlucky.

Traitors! All of you!

I fully intend...

Hogan, why are you so composed?

It's obvious, Major.

You've already figured how
to turn this to your advantage.

I have?

He has?

Of course!

The ultimate w*apon
didn't quite work out,

but the major has a plan

to cr*pple the entire
Russian rocket program.

He has?

Go on, Hogan.

You're pulling my leg.

You're not arranging right now

for Zagoskin to
escape to Russia?

Of course you are.

He'll do for them
what he's done for you.

It's worthy of Himmler
himself, Major.

Hogan, I...

Major Hochstetter
is a genius, Putzi.

He's saved us all.

Ja, I believe I have.

I'm sure you're still going to
send me home, aren't you?

Of course not.

Take him away, Klink,
back to Stalag 13.

Schultz, take him away.

That's cruel, sir, cruel.

Sensational.

Adequate.
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