04x24 - The Big Dish

[bunniefuu]

I'm afraid your man
isn't going to show.

I suppose it is hard to believe,

a prisoner of w*r attending
a meeting in London.

He'll be here.

Come in.

I'll get the lights.

Gentlemen.

Air Marshal Woodhouse... RAF.

How do you do?

Professor Burrows...

Electronics advisor,
Defense Ministry.

How are you?

Colonel Hogan. General.

I've heard a great
deal about you.

I must say you're doing

a splendid job, old chap.

Thank you, I have a good crew.

I'd like to hear more
about it... after the meeting.

We'd better make
it after the w*r.

I'm due back for roll call in
eight hours and ten minutes

and the Krauts will be awfully
disappointed if I don't make it.

We can't have that, can we?

Let's get on with
it, then, shall we?

I'm afraid we've got
rather a serious problem.

The Jerrys have suddenly
begun making things

rather difficult for us
with their antiaircraft.

They've already sh*t down

some of our fastest
reconnaissance planes.

Obviously would make
our bombers sitting ducks.

Now, according to intelligence,

the Luftwaffe have
been experimenting

with a new type of radar...

A super-sensitive mobile unit.

Hogan, if this equipment
is really effective,

we've got a brand-new w*r.

I was just getting
used to the old one.

Well, let's start
with a few pictures.

Lady Valerie Stanford.

One of the oldest
families in England.

A radar specialist.

Worked with the RAF...
Part of a research team.

Very able scientist.

All that and brains, too?

Brilliant mind.

But a highly
erratic personality.

Went off the deep
end a few years ago.

Defected to the Nazis.

Said to be a personal
friend of h*tler.

The fellow with the mustache
really scores, doesn't he?

Colonel, we believe
Lady Stanford is the brain

behind this new
German radar device.

Our flight patterns against
their industrial targets

intersect at point K...
Düsseldorf-Hammelburg sector.

Yeah, there's my
alma mater, Stalag 13.

Exactly.

Intelligence informs us

that Lady Stanford is
somewhere in your area.

If so, that may be

where they're testing next.

You want us to find the
Kraut radar and knock it out.

Or find Lady Stanford

and talk her back to our side.

Can you pull it off, Hogan?

Every officer must do
his duty as he sees it.

And, gentlemen, I see it.

Anderson!

Bratkin!

Here.

Carter!

Carter!!

Yo.

Davis.

Edwards.

Harper.

Hogan.

Colonel not back yet?

Maybe he only bought
a one-way ticket.

And leave this Shangri-La?

Carter, you need help.

I don't see Colonel Hogan.

LeBEAU: Monsieur
our favorite Kraut

does not see Colonel Hogan.

You shouldn't do this to me.

What shall I tell
the commandant?

Report!

Achtung!

Herr Kommandant, all present
and accounted for... almost.

Good, I...

Almost?

Schultz, what kind
of a report is that?

Well, Herr Kommandant,
A for Anderson is here,

B for Bratkin is here,
C for Carter is here...

Never mind who's here.

Who is not here, idiot?

Well, I...

Aha, aha!

Colonel Hogan.

Morning, Germans.

All present and accounted for.

Hogan!

This is inexcusable.

I'm sorry, sir, I overslept.

Had a crazy dream I was on a
plane flying back from London.

The next time you
are late for roll call,

your dream will
turn into a nightmare.

Rather touchy this morning.

Get up on the wrong
side of the w*r, sir?

Silence!

What do you know...

They've finally come
to pick up my laundry.

No, that's the new
sauna bath I ordered.

I hope they remembered
to include the lady masseur.

Not "masseur."

The word is "masseuse," idiot.

Who cares, just
as long as it's a girl.

Silence!

That truck is none
of your business.

What's in it, Commandant...

A shipment of unconditional
surrender forms?

They have to be filled
out in triplicate, you know.

And signed on the
hood of a German t*nk.

Silence!

Very amusing.

That truck is top secret.

But I assure you, its
contents will soon have

the Allied planes
dropping like flies.

That's not so amusing, is it?

Dismissed.

It fits the briefing
I got in London...

High-powered, mobile radar.

Radar?

That'll make things even
tougher on the fly-boys.

And their life-span
is pretty short now.

Colonel, look.

We are suddenly
crawling with Boches.

Hochstetter and a
full Luftwaffe general.

Blimey... Gestapo
and the top brass.

Poison and Ivy.

Looks like Berlin is sending
in the first team, Colonel.

It proves one thing for sure.

That radar truck is here
on serious business.

For Pete's sake,

you think they're going
to operate from here?

There's only one
way to make sure.

What's that, sir?

Scout the opposition
before the opening kickoff.

This location will do nicely.

And that you have
chosen Stalag 13

as the proving ground
for our new radar system,

General Reicker,
it is the culmination

of my not entirely
undistinguished m*llitary career.

m*llitary career as
a keeper of a jail?

Major Hochstetter, I can
assure you it is not from choice.

My nostrils itch for
the smell of gunpowder.

Oh? Well, perhaps
that can be arranged.

And Monsieur Hochstetter
is just the man to arrange it.

If Klink keeps talking,

he's going to be in a lower
berth on the Stalingrad Express.

General, I say we should
not test the equipment here.

I was not aware it was
your decision, Major.

Sir.

The Gestapo, Herr General,

is interested only in security,

and this man is
a natural hazard.

He attracts misfortune
like a magnet.

Sir, I warn you.

I must protest this slander.

To whom... the Gestapo?

I haven't decided yet.

I'll let you know.

General Reicker, I have
confined the prisoners.

I have doubled the guard.

I've thrown an impenetrable
screen around the entire camp.

Good... we will proceed
according to plan.

Good.

And as soon as we have one,

we'll proceed according to plan.

Don't let that top layer
of blubber fool you, mate.

Underneath, old Schultz
is as tough as nails.

But you know what does it?

It's the old Prussian
goose-step.

That's the secret, mate.

Really?

Right... look out.

Here, I'll show you,
I'll demonstrate.

Bloody marvelous
for the physique.

You try it, now, come on.

Watch me.

Right.

Right... you feel
better already, eh?

I feel a lot better.

Nein, nein, nein, nein, nein!

That's terrible.

I'll show you.

Eins, zwei, drei, vier.

Eins, zwei, drei, vier.

Eins, zwei, drei, vier.

And General Reicker,
I can assure you

of my absolutely
fullest cooperation.

That is what I
have been afraid of.

Oh, Commandant?

Hogan!

How did you get past the guards?

Guards at Stalag 13?

When did we give up
the honor system, sir?

Who is this man, Klink?

Colonel Hogan,
senior POW officer, sir.

I'll deal with you
later, Hogan... out!

Forgive me, Commandant,

but after the
formation this morning,

the men wanted me to thank you

for taking them
into your confidence.

Taking them into
your confidence?

What did he say?

Just my usual
forceful remarks, sir.

Regulations,
discipline, a few threats.

Just routine... out, Hogan.

I didn't ask you, Klink.

What did the commandant say?

Well...

It was nothing, sir, nothing.

Yes, exactly what were
the commandant's remarks?

Well, he hinted at the
glorious achievements

of the German scientist.

He mentioned that the
truck out there is top secret,

but we could tell
from the way he said it

that the truck has something
to do with radio or radar.

Was that all?

Could there be anything else?

Let me see.

He said something about it
would knock our bombers out.

"They'd be dropping
like flies," he said.

Incredible!

Imbecile, idiot.

General, I tell you, this
man is a natural hazard.

Was it something I said, sir?

I may have
misquoted the colonel.

I mean, I wouldn't
even have mentioned it

except the men were so grateful

he let them in on a secret.

It's great for morale.

Klink, you are finished.

If you have one
ounce of brains left,

you will take this
and blow them out.

Hochstetter, what are you doing?

I will tell Berlin that
there's been a leak.

We must cancel the
test, move the equipment.

Just a moment.

General, there's
no security problem.

No prisoner has ever
escaped from Stalag 13.

Hogan is right,
sir... Not one ever.

General Reicker, I would
be terribly disappointed

if the test were not made here.

Unfortunately, the Führer
would be disappointed, too.

This project has his
personal approval.

If they move the test,

won't your technical adviser
have to make new calculations?

Adviser?

No one has used that word.

What do you know about
a technical adviser, Hogan?

There has to be a great mind

behind every scientific
discovery... it's logic.

That will be enough,
Colonel Hogan.

You may go.

Thank you, sir.

Uh, good luck with your test.

Stalag 13 is a lucky number.

At least it's been lucky for me.

Colonel Hogan, I came here
to borrow some of your cologne.

It smells so good.

From now on, Sergeant
Schultz lives like a king.

Poor mug, he's crackers.

Yeah, perhaps for the first
course with goose livers.

Or maybe little herring
tidbits in wine sauce.

Good life, huh, Schultz?

Where is this paradise?

Can't tell you.

My lips are
sealed... top secret.

But tonight I sleep in a
real bed with clean sheets.

That's why I
wanted your cologne.

It goes with clean sheets.

Gourmet meals, clean sheets.

Okay, Schultz.

Sounds like you're going
to be staying in a hotel,

probably in Hammelburg.

Donnerwetter, how
do you know that?

You maybe have gypsy blood?

Well, we moved around
a lot when I was a kid.

Okay, gentlemen.

Why would they want
Schultz in Hammelburg?

Maybe they're going
to put him in cement

and use him for a roadblock.

That's a terrible thing to say

about a career man.

I, Sergeant Hans Schultz, have
been selected to be a messenger

for a VIP... V.I.P... a
very important personage.

That's enough, Schultz,

we don't want to know anymore.

We don't want to know that
it's a famous woman scientist

who's masterminding this
radar setup at Stalag 13.

We don't want to know that.

Don't worry, Colonel Hogan,

wild horses won't
drag it out of me...

How did he know about that?

We know nothing.

Nothing.

Hi, Schultz.

Hi.

Boy, you sure look
good standing there.

Danke.

You're a heap of a soldier.

You're a real heap.

Oh, uh, Colonel Hogan asked me

to bring you this cologne.

Oh, it's nice of the
colonel to remember.

Yeah.

Well, I'll see you.

Hey, Carter?

What are you doing
outside the camp?

Well, we deliver anywhere
in a hundred-mile radius.

Oh...

But you have to
get your order in

before 9:00 a.m.

Good.

I remember.

Carter!

Anna, I finished my bath.

I'm waiting.

You may come in, Anna.

Towel, please.

Your towel.

Forgive the intrusion,
Lady Stanford,

but I just had to see you.

Well, you definitely
accomplished that.

My apologies.

Circumstances sometimes
force one to do things

that are, shall we
say, distasteful.

You find me distasteful, do you?

Why don't we wait till I see
you with your clothes on.

I take it you approve of
me with my clothes on?

I don't approve of anybody

who sells out to the Nazis.

Please believe me...

no matter how guilty I may seem,

I have never
betrayed my country.

I'd like to believe that.

Two years ago,

I was approached to
develop a new radar

for the Luftwaffe.

You could have said no;
people do occasionally.

It wasn't that simple.

I studied in Germany,
I had friends.

The Gestapo were
holding them hostages.

If what you say is true...

you were working with
the Nazis for two years,

even you couldn't
fool them that long.

This is usually a fatal
admission to make to a man,

but I am a rather clever woman.

Yes, I did research for them.

And you call that intelligent?

Wait until they test their
precious radar tomorrow, darling,

and you'll find out
how brilliant I really am.

You see, in science, it's
not the research that counts...

it's how you use it.

I wonder if Einstein
started this way.

Got him, Colonel.

London?

We've made contact
with Lady Stanford.

She claims she's
working for our side.

She may be on the level.

But cancel all bombing
missions until verified.

What?

They're testing the radar now.

Call the planes back!

What do you mean it's too late?

Mobile Tracking Unit X1,
defense alert to Hamburg.

Three squadrons heavy
bombers, bearing 3-4-0, 3-4-0.

Yeah, the hyenas are
snapping at each other:

the ack-ack boys want the credit

and the Luftwaffe's giving
it to the new radar unit.

Well, at least now we know

what side our ladyship's on.

Yeah!

And you're looking at a sucker

who got the biggest snow job

since Admiral Peary
discovered the North Pole.

Colonel?

Lady Stanford just arrived

with Hochstetter
and his Gestapo.

Do you think she
knows who you are, sir?

Well, I didn't give her

my name, rank
and serial number...

but I have a feeling
I didn't have to.

Well, if something
happens to me,

you guys know what to do.

Why don't we just blow
up that truck, Colonel?

That's no good.

If the Krauts think
the radar works,

they'll build another one.

We got to make it look bad.

How do we do that?

I have a plan that
has no right to work...

but let's give it a try.

Anything wrong, Herr Leutnant?

Ja, there's a leak in the cable.

I will need your help.

But how will we
know when we find it?

By the smell.

Electricity has a smell?

Dummkopf, no
wonder you're a private!

Now sniff!

Sniff!

Sniff!

To our victory

and to the lady who
made it possible.

Thank you.

And to our Führer.

To our Führer.

Hogan?

Ah, Major Hochstetter,
do you think it wise

to invite Colonel Hogan
to our little experiment...

I mean, no offense
intended, but I...

Invite Hogan?

I am arresting him as a spy.

But he is a prisoner of w*r.

He was impersonating a
German officer in Hammelburg.

One of my prisoners?

Impossible... he was
confined to the barracks.

Who told you?

I have my own
sources of information.

Hogan, is that true?

Lies, sir.

You know the Gestapo is jealous

of your magnificent record here.

Movies!

Mind if I stay
for the show, sir?

Not at all, Colonel.

It is customary for
even the Gestapo

to grant the condemned
man his last request.

"Loosen connections
between modulator, magnitron

and the incubator"?

I guess London
means "oscillator."

Newkirk, get the
wax out of your ears.

This isn't a crystal
set I'm trying to spook.

How can I repeat the bloody
words if I can't pronounce them?

All right, London,
ready at this end.

You can start your
nattering again.

Oh, I say, that's
frightfully good.

Now, you tell your man
to readjust the calibration

of the range finder.

Smashing, what?

Oh, he's going to adore it, sir.

Hello, Kinch.

Here's one that's simply
loaded with charm.

Lay it on me.

I only hope I live long enough
to see how it comes out.

Before we put your
model into production,

we must be sure it is
reliable under all conditions.

I welcome the challenge.

I've got a great deal
at stake as a scientist.

Also as a former British subject

about whose loyalties

Gestapo is still not
completely satisfied, huh?

Herr Hochstetter,
in a few minutes

even you will be convinced

of my dedication to the Führer

and to the Third Reich.

Heil h*tler!

Bravo, Fräulein! Bravo!

Mobile Control Unit,

you will take your positions
in the transmitter truck.

Jawohl, Fräulein.

Jawohl.

Colonel Hogan, you were stupid

to come back to Stalag 13.

That's funny,

I was just thinking the
same thing about you.

Enjoying the show, Hogan? Huh?

Have a cigar.

Perhaps some champagne, eh?

Four squadrons,
RAF heavy bombers.

Course south by southwest.

Distance... 800 kilometers.

Altitude... 5,000 meters.

Speed...

May I alert the antiaircraft
batteries, Lady Stanford?

I would consider it an honor.

What happened?

I don't know.

Check your frequency.

Fräulein, we have lost the echo!

The frequency system is out.

I will have that glass
of champagne now, sir.

Munich.

Düsseldorf.

Hamburg.

In ruins.

Our planes caught on
the ground and destroyed.

Scientist! Genius!

I demand an explanation!

At once. At once.

Shut up, blockhead bumbler!

General Reicker?

He's insulting me again.

I don't understand it.

The first tests were perfect.

You.

You did it.

You sabotaged
the transmitter truck!

It's no use, Valerie, I
was here all the time.

"Valerie"?

Just how well do you
two know each other?

Major, there, uh...

are some things

an officer and a
gentleman can't talk about.

I swear there's
nothing between us.

I proved my loyalty.

It was my information
that led to Hogan's arrest.

A trick to win your confidence,

and it almost worked.

Yeah, darn clever
these British agents.

Yeah, British...

Mm-hmm.

And the way she
talked the general

out of sending up
the fighter planes.

Come on, Hochstetter,

you got to admit
that was brilliant.

It was brilliant.

In a sneaky way.

Hogan is the real enemy.

He came to my hotel room.

In Hammelburg?

Come on, now, Val.

Ridiculous!

No one has ever
escaped from Stalag 13.

Of course not.

Hochstetter, you were
completely taken in.

But I can't blame you...
Could happen to anyone.

I'm willing to forget
the whole thing.

But I'm not.

Take her away!

But you have not heard the
last of this, Major Hochstetter.

Nor have you, General Reicker.

Corporal?

Smile, darling, we may be able

to swap a prisoner for you.

You're valuable.

It isn't often they capture
a lady radar expert.

Commandant?

Sir, the men were wondering

when you're going to take them

into your confidence again.

It gives them a lift.

Hogan, I am not in the mood.

I'm sorry, sir, bad news?

Terrible.

General Reicker
has been transferred

to the infantry.

Shipped to the eastern front.

Well, change is
good for everybody.

Lady Stanford was his downfall.

I understand the Führer
screamed for ten minutes.

Is that all?

I thought it took him
that long to warm up.

Hogan, I could be transferred

to a combat unit.

Not a chance.

Berlin knows you're one
man that's indispensable.

You really think so?

Of course.

Where are they going to find

another man like you?