04x26 - Happy Birthday, Dear Hogan

[bunniefuu]

Once again, der Führer

spends some time at
beautiful Berchtesgaden

to relax from the
pressures of the w*r.

Here he is greeting
Field Marshal Göring,

who comes with news of
further triumphs of the Luftwaffe.

These films from
the Luftwaffe show

the German fighter planes...

Excuse me.

An American air raid
over Bremerhaven.

Fräulein, is this seat taken?

No.

Oh, good.

Has the cartoon gone on yet?

Yes.

Did it have animals in it?

Yes, it was "The Three Bears."

Oh, I'm sorry I missed it.

I'm just crazy about Papa Bear.

Oh, good.

I'm Mama Bear.

Do you have a message
from the underground for us?

Yes, you...

Things continue to go well
for the victorious Third Reich.

New and powerful
weapons continue...

Oh, I like that message.

Here's one for you.

That was the Gestapo.

Mm-hmm.

We mustn't look suspicious.

Oh, I agree.

He's gone.

That's what I hate
about the Gestapo.

There's never one around
when you need them.

Now, uh... the Germans
are suspicious of Stalag 13.

They are?

Yes, because of all
the sabotage in the area.

We have word that they are going

to set a trap for you
in the next few days.

What kind of a trap?

We don't know.

But you must not
engage in any sabotage

until further notice.

Right.

I must go now.

Aren't you going
to see the movie?

Oh, no, I have other
contacts to make.

Whoops!

Gestapo is back.

And not a moment too soon.

Last week, they picked
up three of our agents.

In Hammelburg?

Ja.

This work is getting more
and more dangerous every day.

A person could
get sh*t doing this.

Yeah, but what a way to go.

"Sincerely yours,"
and sign my name.

Now, would you please
read back the last paragraph?

"Therefore, I should like
to request additional guards

"to maintain the enviable record

"of no escapes at Stalag 13...

"a fantastic record
unmatched by any prison camp

in the annals of
m*llitary history."

Hmm.

What's the matter?

I wonder if I'm too modest.

You should try to
come out of your shell.

Come in, come in.

Oh, Major Hochstetter.

It's always an honor to
have the Gestapo visit us.

What can I do for you?

Klink, I have some
top-secret information

you should know about.

Oh... oh.

No, no, no, please,
Fräulein, please, huh?

I am sure you would
not have a Fräulein

working for you in
a sensitive position

that you could not trust.

Of course not.

I could trust Fräulein Hilda
to... to shave the Führer.

"To shave the... Führer."

The 112th Radar Battalion...

Just a minute.

Klink, what are you doing?

If this is secret information,
we shouldn't let anyone hear it.

Who can hear it
in a prison camp?

The prisoners.

You see.

Corporal LeBeau is already
listening to our conversation.

What can he do
with the information?

You have a perfect
record, Commandant.

No escapes.

Of course.

Well?

Well, the 112th Radar Battalion

reports that its equipment
will be out of commission

for the next few days.

What has that got to
do with my command?

Well, this is unfortunate,

because it leaves the
amm*nit*on supply dump

at Braunschweiger Pass
vulnerable to bombing.

Headquarters wants you to send
some extra guards for security.

Major Hochstetter, you can
expect my complete cooperation.

Fräulein Hilda, get
Sergeant Schultz.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Get me the motor pool.

I want to speak to
Sergeant Hoffenburger.

False?!

The Gestapo is testing
your personnel and prisoners

for security leaks.

We are setting a trap.

Sir, are you questioning

the security of Stalag 13?

Klink, I question anything
you are connected with.

You may be caught in that trap.

And as usual, I shall be in
charge of all the arrangements.

Well, why is it always you?

Because I happen to be
an expert at birthday parties.

Wasn't that a lovely birthday
party we gave you, Kinch?

Oh, yeah, sure.

I especially
enjoyed your gift...

The autographed
copy of Mein Kampf.

For my birthday,

he gave me a pinup picture
of Buckingham Palace.

That happened to be a heirloom.

And as I recall, you had a
very lovely birthday party.

Well, I didn't like it.

Well, what was wrong with it?

My mother always rented a pony.

LeBEAU: Hey!
Wait till you hear this.

Please, I'm trying to
make arrangements

for Colonel Hogan's
birthday party.

But I just heard
something very important.

It'll keep, Louis.

It's going to be a long w*r.

Are you people crazy?

I have vital information
that could win the w*r for us.

We'll get to it...

the moment we decide
what to give Colonel Hogan

for his birthday.

How about a new muffler?

No, Hilda's knitting him one.

Now, listen to me!

All right, we're listening.

I just heard
Hochstetter telling Klink

the Boche radar is broken down,

and there's an a*mo dump
just begging to be bombed.

Wonderful.

Hey, that's it!

A perfect gift for a man
who's got everything...

An a*mo dump!

Well, it certainly
will be a surprise.

What are you talking about?

Listen.

We just don't tell the
colonel the information, right?

And we take care of the
a*mo dump ourselves.

Yeah, that's a great idea.

Well, if that's what
we're going to do,

we'd better radio London.

Right.

Okay, what do I
tell them, LeBeau?

Yeah.

Tell them the 112th Battalion
Radar station is out of order,

and the a*mo dump
at Braunschweiger Pass

is wide open.

"Braunschweiger Pass."

Right.

Hey, how about some
entertainment for the party?

Yeah, I could do my Laurel
and Hardy impression.

Say, Ollie, I've
got a good idea.

Let's tell the wives we're
going on a convention.

That's a good idea.

It's bound to be the
hit of the party, Carter.

Is Colonel Hogan here?

No.

Good.

He doesn't know anything
about the surprise birthday party?

No.

Your submarine
pens in Bremerhaven

should be such a secret.

Oh, that's in very
bad taste, LeBeau.

Never mind, Schultz.

Did you get the decorations?

I did even better.

I got some from my nephew
Wolfie's birthday party.

Party hats!

Hey, Schultz, do you know
where we can rent a pony?

A pony?

Forget it.

They've all been drafted.

What was that?

Uh... mice, mice.

Time to go, Schultz.

We've got things to do now, huh?

And remember, the
party's top secret.

Oh, ja, ja, I won't tell a soul.

I know nothing!

Okay, let's go, let's go.

Good-bye.

Okay then, off you
go then, Schultzy.

Bye-bye.

Come on, let's go.

What are you doing?

Hi, Carter.

Hi, Colonel.

Hi, fellas.

Hi, Colonel.

Did you make contact
with the underground?

Yeah, yeah, he's
a wonderful guy.

Yes, he uses very
sexy shaving lotion.

All right, so it's a girl.

She's our new contact.

What did she have to say?

Or did you give her a chance?

Yes, I gave her a chance.

Now, listen to this.

All sabotage activity
comes to a halt.

She got word the
Gestapo is setting a trap.

What do you mean, a trap?

Well they're
suspicious of this area,

especially Stalag 13.

They'll probably pass
out phony information.

If it gets back to London,

they'll know the leak was here.

So I don't want any
activity of any kind

until further
notice, understood?

Understood?

Yes, sir.

Right, sir.

For the man who has
everything... an a*mo dump.

Don't start on me.

He's the one who
brought in the information.

I merely mentioned it.

I didn't expect that
you would build

an entire birthday
party around it.

London's sending a
squadron of bombers tomorrow.

Forget it, Kinch.

Radio London and tell
them to call off the mission.

What's going on?

LeBeau led us into a trap.

Don't blame it on me!

You're the one who
started the whole thing.

Never mind! Never mind!

It doesn't matter.

Just radio London and tell them

to call off that mission.

All right.

You had to suggest
giving him an a*mo dump.

You couldn't give
him what I suggested.

When was the last time you saw
a full colonel take a bubble bath?

Well, it doesn't mean
he wouldn't want to.

Where's Kinch?

Down in the radio room.

I think he's checking
his equipment.

Just make sure he
doesn't send any messages.

Why not?

Come here.

A radio detector
truck... part of the trap.

We can't let them intercept
any of our messages.

Could jeopardize
our whole operation.

Papa Bear calling Goldilocks.

A message is coming through.

Come in, please.

We have an imp...

Hey, what...

You can't send any messages.

Take my word for it.

It went dead.

Where did it come from?

I didn't get enough.

I could not tell.

Will somebody please
tell me what's going on?

The Krauts have got

a radio detector truck
parked outside the camp.

We don't notify London,

that bombing mission's
going to be wiped out.

And they'll know where
the information came from.

I'm afraid we've got a
date with a f*ring squad.

Well, look at the bright side.

At least we don't have to worry

about what to get Colonel
Hogan for his birthday.

Now, let's not panic, chaps.

What we need is
a cool head here.

It's no use wasting
a lot of time,

trying to put the blame
on someone else.

We all know it's LeBeau's fault.

My fault!

Let's not discuss it.

We got to find a way to
stop that bombing mission

from being annihilated
by those Kraut g*ns.

Why don't we do it
through the underground?

There's got to be a way to
send a radio message to England.

Why don't we do it
through the underground?

I mean, we've faced
crises like this before.

Why don't we do it
through the underground?

Just give me a moment.

I know I'm going to...

Why don't we do it
through the underground?

Hey, that's it.

That's a great idea.

How come it wasn't a
good idea when I said it?

One of us could deliver the message
to the contact at the movie house.

I'll change and get started.

Pardonez-moi.

What's the matter?

You don't fool me, LeBeau.

We all know this contact's
a good-looking bird.

So?

So what makes you think

that you are going to be the one

to go out and meet her?

Because you're in charge

of birthday parties.

Don't forget to
call the caterers.

Are you insinuating

that we are not distributing
Red Cross packages?

Oh, you're distributing
them all right.

Just be nice if the prisoners
got them for a change.

Colonel Hogan,

on what evidence do
you back up that charge?

Well, I would like
you to show me

where it says "Made in Germany"

on this bar of peanut brittle.

This was being examined

by our intelligence officers.

Haven't they got
anything better to do

than search a candy bar?

Hogan, the High Command

is not interested
in your comments.

All I want you to do

is release those Red
Cross packages to the men

so they can use them for
my surprise birthday party.

Oh, your men are giving you

a surprise birthday party, huh?

If it's a surprise party,

how is it possible
you know about it?

The same way I knew
about the peanut brittle.

You can't keep a secret
around here, Commandant.

All right, Hogan,

as soon as
intelligence ascertains

that you are not
receiving anything

that could be used for sabotage,

we will distribute the packages.

Well, thank you

from the bottom
of my peanut brittle.

Oh, Hogan.

Yes, sir.

Your sentimentality
has not escaped me.

How touching that your men

are giving you a surprise party.

Well, Americans
are just softies, sir.

The German officer
does not want his men

to give him a party.

All we want is respect.

Who knows... someday
you may even get it.

Here are some highlights

of our Führer's victorious
speech in Berlin.

Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil!

I understand they
bombed the Frankfurt Zoo.

Yes, um...

I hope they didn't
k*ll the papa bear.

Or the mama bear.

I think I was followed
by the Gestapo.

Put your arm around me.

You're our new contact?

Yes, I come to this
theater three times a week.

Why don't you meet me
here tomorrow afternoon?

They don't show
movies on Thursday.

What has that got to do with it?

Gestapo.

Some people don't
believe in love at first sight.

There's something
I must tell you.

There's something
I must tell you.

We had to disband
our underground unit.

But we must get a
message through to London.

No, that's impossible.

We had to dismantle
the underground radio.

But so much depends on this.

I'm sorry.

There's nothing we can do.

I better get back to camp.

We'll need another plan.

The Gestapo's gone.

Good-bye.

Tell me...

Hmm?

Who did you like to kiss better,

me or Colonel Hogan?

That's a m*llitary secret.

These are really swell.

Really marvelous, Schultz.

Thank you.

You're going to make
Colonel Hogan very happy.

What kind of a cake
is LeBeau baking?

What kind did you have in mind?

I thought maybe he would bake
a... a German chocolate cake.

Serve Colonel Hogan
German chocolate cake?

Would you offer Adolf h*tler

an American cheese
sandwich on Russian rye?

Whatever LeBeau bakes,
it's good enough for me.

That's very big of you, Schultz.

Now I have to go
back to the post.

Hey, what are you doing, Andrew?

I'm making a
pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey set.

Am I to understand

that we're going to spend

the whole birthday party

playing pin the
tail on the donkey?

Of course not.

I thought first we'd start
with some musical chairs.

Oh, that's LeBeau.

Yeah, we'd better get all
this stuff put away, you know,

before the colonel gets back.

Okay.

Here we go.

I didn't have any luck.

I wouldn't say that.

You look like the
luckiest man in town.

We never should've
sent a Frenchman.

LeBeau, you got the entire fate

of that squadron in your hands.

You spend the whole afternoon

in the movies necking?

What are you talking about?

We had to act like
a couple of lovers

to avoid being picked up

by the Gestapo.

You're lucky you
weren't picked up

by the vice squad.

Here, wipe off that lipstick
and tell us what happened.

Well, the underground
unit is disbanded.

There's no way they can transmit

our radio message for us.

And those bombers are flying

right into that trap.

Well, now what do we do?

The first thing
we're going to do

is cancel the birthday party.

What? Well, why?

Because it's in very bad taste

to be playing musical chairs

while our bombers are
being sh*t out of the sky.

Hi, fellas.

Hi.

What's the matter?
You guys look like

you got a Dear
John chain letter.

No, the mail didn't arrive yet.

Uh, Colonel Hogan?

Yeah.

I'm afraid we're going
to have to tell him, chaps.

I don't think we should.

Well, he's going to
find out sooner or later.

Hold it, fellas.

I already know.

He found out sooner.

This is the first surprise
birthday party I've ever had.

Well, we've got another surprise

for you, Colonel.

What's that?

Well, we were having trouble
deciding what to get you

and... well, we
thought it might be nice

to give you a present
of an a*mo dump.

Well, if it's any help, I'm
40-regular in an a*mo dump.

a*mo dump?!

This was based on
some information we got

about a radar station
in Braunschweiger Pass.

When did you get
the information?

Yesterday.

I heard Hochstetter
telling Klink.

That's great.

That is great!

You walked right
into their trap!

Yeah, we radioed London

and they've arranged for a
bombing mission tomorrow.

And unless we can knock out

that radio-detection
truck outside,

we can't get word to
London to call off the mission.

We hate to spoil
your birthday, Colonel.

We had everything all planned.

LeBeau even baked a cake.

Oui, I did.

Look, we've even
got the candles... see?

And we've got some party hats.

Oh, and I made a
pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey set.

You'd better pin the
tail on me, Carter.

It was my fault.

Oh, it was as much my
fault as it was yours, Newkirk.

Well, I was to blame, too.

Right, all of you were to blame.

Hold it, hold it!

The important
thing is to find a way

to knock out that radio truck

or an awful lot of guys

are going to miss
their next birthday.

Maybe we could
set fire to the truck.

We could never get close enough.

I have another way.

What's that, sir?

Klink has given permission

for the sentimental Americans

to have a surprise
birthday party

for their colonel.

LeBEAU: Oh, yeah?

You have your party

and you give your beloved
colonel some fireworks.

So we load the candles.

Right.

A couple of nice, big,
fat Roman candles

in the center of the cake.

I don't have any gunpowder.

Roll call!

There's your answer... Schultz.

He's got plenty of shells.

I'm sure you're clever
enough to get them.

Roll call inside!

Is everything ready
for the surprise party?

I've already baked a cake.

All I have to do is
put the icing on it.

Hey, Carter, why
don't we teach Schultz,

you know, show him
how we play that game

pin the tail on the donkey?

Sure!

I love games!

Oh, this one will give
you a lot of laughs.

Look at this, look at this.

Newkirk, Newkirk, Newkirk,
Newkirk, could I try it?

Of course you can.

Put the donkey up on the wall.

It's very easy, Schultz.

You see, all you have to do

is pin this tail on that donkey.

Easy?

What's so difficult about that?

Well, you see, you're
blindfolded at the time.

Okay, here we go.

Take your helmet away.

Hold this, Kinch.

There we go.

You can't see?

No, no, no... I see nothing.

I see nothing.

That's it now.

And we spin you around.

We're going to turn
you right round, you see.

And then off you'll go.

Ready, one more.

Right.

Okay, you're on your
way now, Schultzy.

You're very cold.

You're getting a
little warmer now.

You're getting a little warmer.

No, it's icy!

Ooh, it's freezing right now.

You've played this
game before, Schultzy,

haven't you?

Ooh, it's got cold, cold!

Very cold.

Would you believe grown
men behaving like that?

You'll never see Himmler
or Göring popping corn.

Why not?

It looks like fun.

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ That nobody can deny ♪

♪ That nobody can deny ♪

♪ That nobody can deny ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ That nobody can deny. ♪

Oh, I can hardly wait!

Schultz, you can
light the candles now.

Ja, I will, right away.

I'd light that one first

if I were you.

Yes.

Wait!

Fellas, I realize that we're
a long way from home

and sort of on our
own and all that,

but even so, even though we
don't have all the right things

and don't even have
a pony or anything,

there are still certain
proper traditions

we should observe
about birthdays,

and one of them is this:

It's the most important.

Colonel Hogan is
supposed to make a wish.

I made the wish.

Light the cake.

Stand over here

so the guards in
the tower can see.

Oh, yeah!

Here we go.

Papa Bear to Goldilocks.

Papa Bear to Goldilocks.

Scratch Braunschweiger
Pass mission.

Something is wrong
with the radio truck.

Schultz, why are
you standing there?

Go see what happened.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!

Please, Colonel Hogan,
save me a big piece of cake.

Yeah, okay, Schultz.

Schultz!

Why don't you cut the cake?

With pleasure, Newkirk.

I want to thank you fellas

for giving me the nicest
birthday party I've ever had.

Now, Klink, I am going to try

and be calm about this.

I want you to tell
me in your own words

exactly how did the
radio detector truck

get put out of action.

Major Hochstetter,
you won't believe this.

Try me!

It was a million-to-one sh*t

that the candles
would have hit the truck.

What candles?

The candles from
the birthday cake.

Birthday cake?

In the middle of World w*r II,

you give yourself
a birthday party?

Oh, no, it wasn't for me.

Uh, the party was for me, sir.

You give a birthday
party for a prisoner?

Oh, no, no, no, my
men gave it to me.

Oh, I'm sorry you
missed it, Major.

It was a great party.

I saved you some cake.

Oh, thank you, Hogan.

Thank you.

Oh, Klink, you are
succeeding in doing by yourself

what millions of enemy soldiers

are unable to do...

Bring the Third
Reich to its knees!

Bah!

Party pooper.