I can't believe
the weekend is over.
I'm going to close my eyes,
and when I open them
It's going to be friday.
What day is it?
Monday.
Damn. Didn't work
on my breasts
In junior high,
either.
What are you
so happy about?
I spent the weekend
in new york with miles.
Oh, splendid.
Were you able
to take in a show?
Miles put on a
little show for me
In the bedroom.
Oh, I see.
He was like
an animal too.
He'd wake up, splash
water on his face
And be ready
to go at it again.
Oh, man.
We did get out
and take a walk
In central park.
Central park
is so nice.
There's the
sheep meadows
The carousels,
the boat house.
Yeah. 'Course five
minutes of that
And we were back in
the bedroom, jumping...
That is the last time
I will ask
corky and miles
What they did
on a weekend.
Especially
if the answer
Is each other.
The very idea
of being subjected
To a blow by blow.
Good lord.
Where's our coffee island?
It's gone.
If this is andy rooney's way
Of getting back at me
For booby-trapping
his padded toilet seat...
Matthew,
do you know anything
About the coffee island?
Me? I don't see
a coffee island.
That's the whole point,
you moron.
Now spill it.
Now, now, now, slugger--
level heads.
Go ahead, matthew.
Who was it?
Who took our
coffee island?
It was kay, that new
executive producer lady
All right?
She had them
take everything:
The island,
the donuts.
They even broke
your fish mug.
And you let them?
Why you little..!
Jim, jim! Jim!
This stinks.
Kay have done this?
Why would
Oh, please,
it's obvious.
She knows we think
She's totally
unqualified for the job
So she's just
trying to bully us
With some stupid
power plays.
Last week it was that
new wardrobe policy.
Today it's the
coffee island.
Tomorrow she'll probably
screw with our set.
Our set.
We hate
Of course we hate it.
It's bland, dirty
and practically screams
"We haven't had
an original idea
Since real people
went off the air."
We should be the
ones messing with it.
Who does she think she is?
We'll let her know
Who's really in charge
around here
When she comes down
for the story meeting.
About the
story meeting?
Kay said from no on
Story meetings are held
in her office.
What did you say?
H, no, I'm not going
to say it again.
You're not paying
Me enough.
This is
outrageous.
We've had our story meetings
at this table the last years.
Well, I say
we don't put up with this.
I say... We don't go up there.
Hear, hear.
Oh, no. K say
e d go up there.
We'll march into her office
And tell her the way things
are done at fyi.
Whoa. But how will she know
We're not up there
for a story meeting?
Hw will she know?
Because we won't
be bringing our pads.
You said it.
No pads? I always carry a pad.
Quite right. No pads.
Wo hui an pai
xia xin chi
You li jin lian.
Hao. Fei chang hao.
Zai jian. Zai jian.
I don't know if general chao
just offered me an interview
Or agreed to accept my secretary
In exchange for a short-range
nuclear m*ssile.
Oh, well, time will tell.
What do you say we get
Our very first story
meeting underway?
We're not here for
the story meeting.
You're not?
No, we most definitely
are not.
For years
our story meetings
Have been conducted
in one place, madam
And one place only,
and that place is...
Is that jamaican
blue mountain coffee?
Ah. I see you have
a nose for the bean.
Help yourselves.
Wow. Get a load
of this spread.
Hey, look at this, corky,
teeny, tiny muffins.
With teeny,
tiny blueberries.
How'd they get them
so tiny?
Mad baker
scientists
Used their
shrink-a-fying rays.
Look, we didn't
come here to talk
About muffins.
We came here
to tell you
That we like our coffee
and our story meetings
Where we've
always had them--
Downstairs in
the bullpen.
Murphy is right.
You know, we have been together
for too long
To put up with your nonsense.
We liked things
exactly the way they were.
Ooh. This is
really comfortable.
Look, I'm sorry,
but wherever I've worked
I've always tried to make
my office comfortable--
A place that
says, "come on in, kick off your shoes
Have a blintz and... Dare to
change the face of television."
You knw, you're right.
We must have been
wrong all those years
We were winning emmys
and peabodys and humbolts.
What we really needed
around here was
The smell of bare
feet and blintzes.
Okay. I thought you'd like this
But we can just move our meeting
down to the bullpen.
Let me get
my things.
You know, maybe we
should stay, murphy
Just this once.
Yeah. I mean,
we are already here.
And she does get our point.
Oh, all right, let's
just get started.
Wonderful.
I'm doing
a fabulous story...
I'm sorry, murphy.
I'm sure your idea
is super
But if you'd look
in these folders
You'll see
I've given you all
Some nifty
assignments.
Excuse me?
You've given us assignments?
No, no, no.
We're not taking stories
from some game show producer.
So you can just
keep your crappy
assignments.
We don't want
any part
of them.
Oh, my god!
I'm going
on the space shuttle!
Ha! Nasa thought it
should be stone phillips.
I thought it should
be my action man.
Good lord! A fireside chat
at the white house.
And I'm interviewing
the entire royal family!
From buckingham palace!
They want to know
Walk.
If you'd like to
do a space
Would I have a jet pack?
Let me go ask.
(Imitating engine burst)
This is unbelievable!
Frank:
oh, tell me about it.
She must have
incredible contacts.
What'd you get?
I don't know,
and I don't care.
Are you people blind?
U see
don't yo
what she's doing?
I don't know.
What I see is kay giving us
The most fascinating stories
of our careers--
Stories we'll relive over
and over again until we die.
What do you
see, murphy?
I see her playing us
like a pan flute-- that's what.
O work with me.
It's not going t
What are you talking about?
Open your eyes, people.
Kay is obviously trying to get
us to accept her assignments
So it'll be easier for her
To get us to do
whatever she wants later on]
Hmm. That's a good point.
Going to have
to give that some thought...
As I'm floating weightless
in space...
Looking down on this
life-giving orb we call earth.
(Frank laughing)
Jet pack's in.
Yes!
So what do you all
think of my stories?
We think we like
our stories better--
The ones we picked
The ones years of experience
earned us the right to pick.
And we're not giving that up
at the first bite
Of a crumpet--
frank!
I... Agree.
Murphy's right.
I can see I still have
a lot to learn.
So, frank, what will you
Be reporting on
Instead of the
space shuttle?
Uh...
Well, uh, I'll be doing
a story on, uh...
On air bags.
Well, would you elaborate?
You know, are they as safe
as they're supposed to be?
Are they?
Some of them.
I like your... Passion, frank.
Jim.
Hmm? Oh.
I think
I'll be doing a commentary
Ricans
on ame
and their leisure time.
Oh, you mean how we've
become a nation obsessed
With recreation, causing us
to lose our competitive edge
In the international
marketplace?
No. How nothing beats
a comfy pair of socks
On a cold
winter night.
Another way to go.
Corky.
I'm doing an
in-depth piece.
I love those.
On the ab roller.
I see.
So that's, uh, air bags,
socks and sit-ups.
And what do you have
for us, murphy?
I'll tell you.
I'm reporting
on a day in the life
Of a true modern-day hero--
someone in our government
Who epitomizes courage
and valor.
That sounds great. Who is it?
I don't know yet,
but when I find him
It's going to
be really good.
If you don't mind
We've got some stories
to report on--
Great stories,
our stories.
Jim:
that's right.
Corky:
you bet.
I'm sorry, kay,
but murphy's right.
We serve a public trust,
a sacred trust
A trust that... Supersedes...
Ooh.
What are these?
Beignes. They're
flown in fresh
from new orleans.
Really?
Mmm. They're delicious.
They're light and flaky;
yet they have a kind of a...
Murphy:
frank?!
Great. I'm so excited
to be doing a story
On your boss--
someone who's devoted
So much of his life
to the public sector.
Someone so dynamic, so...
Hmm? Oh.
Well, when do you think
he'll be up from his nap?
All right. I'll call back then.
Frank:
hey, murph.
Here's that tape I borrowed.
Oh, thanks, frank.
Hope your story's going better
Than mine is.
Well, you know, sometimes
a story just doesn't pan out.
You can always dump it
if you want.
Oh, please. I'd never do that.
We took a stand up there
as a team.
If I dump my story
kay would see that as surrender
And I would never
do that to you.
You know, "surrender"
is such a loaded word.
I mean, you know,
at first, surrendering
Seems like not such
a good thing to do
But then, after a while
You realize that
Surrendering--
And I'm not even sure
that/s the right word--
Isn't that bad after all.
What are you saying, frank?
Hey, frank, good news
about your story.
It's "all systems go."
Matthew.
Relax. I wasn't going
to tell her
You took the
space shuttle story.
You caved, frank?
I don't believe it.
Okay, I caved...
But it was too good
to pass up.
The said
there was a chance
Once we left
the earth's orbit
They'd let me steer.
You disgust me.
Hey, guess who went
behind our backs
And took kay's
assignment?
Spaceman frank.
He did?
Can you believe it?
Well, all I can say is
If that's what you thought
you had to do...
What?
Don't let him off the hook.
He's a dirty, rotten traitor.
He went behind
our backs. He...
Jim, is that a teeny, tiny
blueberry in your teeth?
What..? Oh. Oh, no]
Frank:
what?
You mean you caved too, jim?
Yes, but only because I knew
you were going to cave.
What do you mean?
Well, you did cave.
You caved too.
You're not a spaceman
You're a caveman.
Guys, enough already.
I think
you're missing the point.
The point being?
You're both
sniveling weasels.
Right, corky?
Well, I wouldn't exactly
call it "sniveling."
Oh, no, corky.
Not you too.
Cave girl!
People, don't you understand?
You gi￭e in to kay on this
And everything we hold dear
will be trampled.
A little piece here,
a little piece there
And before you know it
Panzer units will be pouring
over the border
And the jerries
will be goose-stepping
Don the champs elysees.
Okay, maybe not that,
but it's bad.
Well, maybe we're not
As strong as you are,
murphy, but...
While I was up there...
Breaking strudel with eva braun.
Whoever.
Anyway, kay told me
what yur assignment was
And I think if
you knew what it was
You'd feel differently.
What's her story?
Ow!
And all I get to do
is leave the earth's orbit
And touch the face of god.
I certainly am
intrigued.
Oh, please.
Don't you understand?
This is all part of kay's plan.
She's...
She's like a hungry lion
Trying to split up
a herd of gazelles
And she's doing it
By preying on the old,
the sick and the weak.
Wait a minute.
Who's sick?
Who's old?
Who's weak?
That's for history to decide.
But for right now
You people are going
to have to live
With the consequences
of your actions.
As for myself
I'm just going upstairs
right now
And tell kay this is one gazelle
Who's just not going
to hand over poland.
You know what I mean.
Frank, sorry I spilled
the beans to murphy.
From now on
I'm steering way clear
Of that mean old witch.
All right, kay, listen up...
Kay?
Great.
Looking for something?
As a matter of fact,
I was, yes.
I was looking for this.
Oh, a pitch pit.
Yes, it's for my son's
science project.
Oh. What's he studying?
Peach pits.
All right.
I was looking for my folder
But not because I was going
to take your stupid assignment.
I wanted to see
what lengths you'd go to
To try to manipulate me.
Is that what you think
I'm doing?
Oh, drop the act.
I know your game.
You think
you can control people
And treat them like pawns
And not in the cute,
endearing way that I do, but...
In a...
A coarse and ugly way.
So. What do you
have to say to that?
I say...
You're right.
What?
I don't know what went wrong.
I'm usually so good at this.
I brought down
the best of them--
Woolery, eubanks...
Even trebek.
It's amazing what a canadian
will do for a piece of pie.
So...
When did you
catch on?
Oh, please!
I had your number
the minute I laid eyes on you.
All right,
let's cut to the chase.
I can't run fyi
without [our support.
Well, I can,
but from what I hear
It's not worth the arguments,
the tension
The gratuitous shaving
of innocent pets.
So, how do we make this work?
All right, for starters
You've got to accept
that your clever tricks
May work on those
other schmoes
But they'll never work on me.
Schmoes, yes. You, no.
Got it.
And another thing.
You don't tell me
what stories to choose.
I pick my own assignments.
You've earned that right.
And I want
our coffee island back.
Consider it done.
So, just to be clear
I can still screw
with frank's head, right?
Please.
There have been weeks
when that was the only thing
That kept me off the bottle.
It was a good plan,
you have to admit.
Yeah,
it wasn't bad.
I knew you wanted to host
the presidential debates
So naturally...
Presidential debates?
I thought I could k*ll
two birds with one stone.
You know, get you
in my back pocket
And put fyi on the map
With the presidential debates.
Listen-- I'm doing it again.
You didn't want to know
your assignment
And here I am,
waving it in your face.
Presidential debates.
Hey, some habits
are hard to kick.
Although...
As long as we
understand each other
Um, I suppose
it would be possible
I could help you
just this once.
No, murphy,
I couldn't let you do that.
I wouldn't want you
to think for a minute
That I had manipulated you
into taking it.
Well, I can see
how you'd want
to be careful
But on the other hand,
if what you're saying
Is that my hosting
the presidential debates
Would actually help fyi,well...
Ell, what the heck. I'll do it.
I owe you one, kiddo.
Kay, you wanted to see me?
Mmm. Thanks
for stopping by.
Murphy, you know mark,
don't you?
Yeah. Hi, mcewen.
Hi, murph.
If the reason
you had me come up here
Was to try to get us
to back off
Our day care
investigation
You can forget it.
Me? Try to get cbs this morning
To hand over
a ground-breaking story to fyi?
Oh, I wouldn't dream of it?
Scone?
Hey!
My favorite.
Thanks.
Now how would I know that?
Oh, jim, I think you've got
one of the gills upside down.
Oh, here she is.
Hello, slugger.
How'd it go
upstairs with kay?
Ho'd it go?
You know that scene from rocky
Where he keeps getting
hit in the head
Nd over and over again?
Over a
Well, it was like that,
only kay won't be getting up
To do four more sequels.
Wow. We really were
sniveling weasels.
Hey, guys, don't be
so hard on yourselves.
I mean, you were weasels,
but I needed to convince you
That you had to stand firm.
We're a team, a unit.
We can't let someone
drive a wedge between us.
Amen to that.
That's why when you
went up to talk to kay
We all dropped
our stories.
What?
Thanks to your
inspiring example
We told our contacts
we weren't interested.
That's right.
I called nasa personally.
Actually, he
held the receiver
While I did most
of the talking.
They couldn't
understand him
Through all the sobbing.
Well, in any case,
we owe it all to you.
You know, now that you've
all learned your lesson
Maybe it wouldn't be
so terrible
If you did those stories.
You can get them back,
can't you?
No. But we wouldn't want them,
even if we could.
That's right.
We have our integrity
back, murphy.
Hey, you know what would
really mess with kay's head?
If I we￭t back up there
and took that assignment
And hosted
the presidential debate.
That's what I'll do.
This is going
to be great.
Wait a minute
Murphy.
How did you know
your assignment
Was to host the
presidential debates?
You mean I got it right?
I was just guessing]
What are the odds?
You caved, didn't you?
Now, hold on.
Cave woman. Kent,
call the white house.
I need to get my story back.
I've got to call nasa.
Does anyone have
the area code
for buckingham palace?
Now, hold on, guys.
I know it looks
like I caved
But it's really
not that simple.
You should have been there.
I really drew
one hell of a line
in the sand with kay.
Frank, you got
to believe me.
Oh, yeah.
I believe you.
You went up there
to read her the riot act
And ended up doing exactly
what she wanted you to do.
How did she take it?!
Hi. This is frank fontana.
Remember me?
I was going to be an astronaut.
Okay, guys, I've got this
all figured out.
This was all part
of kay's big plan.
She knew we'd all go up there
We'd turn down the stories
You'd go back and take them
Then I'd make you drop them
Then I'd go up and take mine!
Whew! She
is really a crafty one.
How's it going, everybody?
Murphy made us
give up our stories.
She did?
Is that true, murphy?
Oh, don't give me that.
You knew all along
this is what would happen.
Now, how would I knw that?
But if anyone needs help
getting their stories back
Come, join me in my office.
Tea
I just brewed
a big pot of sun
And the key lime pie
just arrived.
Yu can't
go up there.
This is just what she wants--
To separate me
from the rest of you.
You mean, from the sick?
And the old?
And the weak?
Murphy, I know
That you already have
your story
But you come join us too.
Not on your life.
And none of you should be
going up there, either.
Remember? We have
to remain a united front.
But we are united, murphy.
We all hate you.
Fine. Go up there.
Eat her sissy pastries.
I just hope they're worth
losing your self-respect over.
You hear me?
I'm onto you, kay carter!
I'm going to get you!
I've got your number!
Got her right where I want her.
I'm sure glad we got
Our coffee island
back, mr. Dial.
And stocked with our good old
reliable snack foods.
Oh, sure, some may go
for a tasty croissant
Or a creamy eclair,
but I say there's nothing
Quite like a good
old-fashioned doughnut
To keep a reporter
on his toes.
They're kind of dry.
And hard, really hard.
Why..! You little..!