09x18 - Oh, Danny Boy

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Murphy Brown". Aired: November 14, 1988 – May 18, 1998.
Murphy Brown is the star reporter of "FYI," a newsmagazine series.
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09x18 - Oh, Danny Boy

Post by bunniefuu »

Aw, geez, here comes kay.

It's not bad enough
she torments us at the office.

She's got to ruin our lunch,

Now, now, slugger.

We can be bigger than that.

I say we open our hearts

And befriend a fellow
human being who's undoubtedly

In need of comfort
and companionship.

I don't think she sees us.

Then keep your head down.

I said, down, down.

Hello, murphy. Jim.

What a surprise!

Murphy, look.
It's kay!

Hamohtzee lechem min haaretz.

Kay! Are you here for lunch?

Maybe there's an empty barstool.

Or you could eat standing up.

It's good for the digestion.

Murphy, where
are your manners?

Why don't you join us?

That's very nice of you

But I don't want to make anyone
feel uncomfortable.

No, I'll just sit
over there... Alone...

With no one
to interrupt the flow

Of my dark, lonely thoughts.

Thoughts of regret
and heartache

And loneliness.

Hello, darkness, my old friend.

Oh, sit down
and put a sock in it.

Would you look at this?

He ruined it.

Totally ruined it!

Corky, I've told you

You shouldn't let miles
wear your pink angora.

Not miles!
I'm talking about

That jerk of a dry cleaner
on the corner.

He said I brought it in
like this.

Yeah, right!

I stopped going
to that crook ages ago.

He once shrunk
a pair of my trousers

And actually claimed
my legs had grown.

He told me
I had a glandular problem

And that I'd die
a naked, oversized freak

Within the month.

I won't let that creep
rip me off.

I'm going to get him
to pay for this!

Are you throwing
that away?

Because if you are

My cousin lola
might be able to wear it.

Oh, wait. No, no.

It was her other arm
that got caught

In the milking machine.

Hi, guys.

Sorry I'm late,
but dana's out of town

And danny's chemistry teacher
wanted to speak to me.

What did your girlfriend's
delinquent son do this time?

This time it was
definitely not his fault.

I mean, come on,
he's just a kid.

A kid who blew up
the principal's volvo.

I got to tell you, frank.

That kid sounds
totally out of control.

Dana doesn't know
what to do with him.

And what can I do?

He shows me no respect.

The solution, frank,
is military school.

The discipline
will do him good.

With his school record?
I don't think so.

How about the army?

He can't join. He's only .

Oh, hell, prison then.

Get the little monster
into a uniform

And a building
that locks up at night.

Whenever my sisters and I
started acting up

All my daddy had to do
was start taking off his belt

And we straightened up
real quick.

Of course, one day
he switched to suspenders.

From then on, we just ran amok.

Wow. A belt, huh?

Whenever I misbehaved,
my father would use the paddle.

Wow! He'd actually swat you
with a paddle?

No. Papa was
a steamboat captain.

He'd strap me to the wheel,
and all day long it was...

Pah! Pah! Pah!

Of course, it was a paddle.

I don't believe
in any of those methods.

I wasn't disciplined as a child,
and I turned out just fine.

Oh, shut up.

Sorry to interrupt,
ms. Carter-shepley.

Here's the "to go" order
you called in.

Thank you, phil junior.

Wait a minute.

You laid this guilt trip on us,
sat at our table

And you had already phoned in
a takeout order?

What are you going to do?
Paddle me?

Pah! Pah!

Frank, danny's problems
aren't going to be solved

By a belt, a paddle, or prison.

Although a little time
in the hole wouldn't k*ll him.

What danny needs
is structure in his life.

Get him a job.

Really? You think?

Yeah. There's nothing like a job

To teach a teenager the lessons

Of hard work, responsibility
and sacrifice.

What kind of job did you have?

Hmm? Well, um...

My father hired me to monitor
social and political events

As they were broadcast.

You just watched television,
didn't you?

Well, at least
I didn't blow up a volvo.

I'm going to do it.

I am going to get danny a job.

There you go. That's the spirit.

I'll call kay right now

And tell her
to give danny a job at fyi.

Whoa! Wait a minute.

I didn't mean at fyi.

I meant at a place
more suitable for him.

A place with...


Yeah, guards.

And a barbed wire fence

With stakes on top.

Big pointy ones.

Fyi will be perfect.

When he sees
how well-respected I am

It just might change
the way he looks at me.

If that doesn't work out

You can get him that
cushy tv-watching job you had.

I didn't just watch tv.

I was also responsible

For evaluating a number
of popular snack foods

For their taste
and texture


Oh, shut up.

There isn't a stapler
to be had anywhere.

Oh, danny starts work today,
so kay locked up everything

That could be stolen, sold
or fashioned into w*apon.

You mean that little hooligan
is starting today?

And I have all this cash on me.

I've got to hide it.

But where?

I know.

My shoe.

Don't worry.

You guys are getting
a little out of hand.

He's just a troubled teen,
a kid coming to us for help.

How can we expect him
to trust us

If we don't trust him?

Okay, ms. Brown,
I'm here to install

The double d*ad bolt
on your door.

My door?

Oh, right.

I don't remember
how long ago I
called that in.

It says here,
: this morning.

Just drill the hole,
smart guy.

(Elevator bell dinging)

I'm really sorry.

I promise you I'll
keep an eye on him.

So, uh, danny?

Danny, are you sure

That you were nowhere
near that candy machine

That was broken into
down in the lobby?

You calling me a liar?

A liar? No.

Did you think I was
calling you a liar?

I wasn't calling
you a liar.

Hey, guys, here he is!

It's danny!

Of course, you remember
murphy in there.

And here's corky.


And there's jim.

Oh, just take it.

Take it all.

Jim? Uh....

So, uh, danny...

This is where you're
going to be working.

Yeah? So what am I
going to be doing?

Well, you're going to be
what we call a runner.

I'm familiar with that.

What am I running?



No. This is a
television show.

Oh, drugs.

No, danny.

You're going to be
running mostly errands.

You see, you'll be
picking up lunches

Getting videotapes

Going to the archives...

The kind of runner
where I get stuff for people.

Yeah. That kind of running.

I don't like
that kind of running.

Hi. I see our new
little helper has arrived.

Yes. And he is really
excited to be here.

Aren't you, danny?

You see that?


Danny, why don't you
go get acquainted

With your new co-workers.

Frank and I have
some business to discuss.

I took the liberty
of drawing up

Our little agreement
for your signature.

As discussed,
I'll be taking over

Your far more convenient
parking spot.

You'll be washing
my car every friday.

Uh, what's that say
in the small print?

Oh, nothing. Just a clause

That say if I ever need
any organs donated

They'll take them from you.

You mean after I'm d*ad.



Now, let's go swap
parking spaces.

(Elevator bell dinging)

Well, well, if it isn't
my dry cleaner.

He must have gotten
my attorney's letter.

This ought to be good.

Miss sherwood, I got
your attorney's letter.

Oh, really.

I didn't know
he was sending one.

Yeah, well, he did

And, uh, he made me realize

I got a lot
of explaining to do.

So, uh, here goes.

You see this robe?

It belongs
to chief justice rehnquist.

I ripped it to shreds.

These stains

On attorney general
janet reno's tennis togs?

Completely my fault.

Senator alfonse d'amato's
favorite pair

Of tweety bird pajamas?

I mangled the crap
out of them.

So if you think
I give a rat's ass

About a little, fluffy,
pink sweater

That belongs
to the likes of you

All I can say is,
eat my shorts.

Or should I say

Newt gingrich's shorts?

See, you, toots.

Pay the lady.


You heard me.
Pay the lady.

And what are you
going to do to me

If I don't?

Well, uh...

That's about a
sweater, right?

. I bought it
on sale.

? A bargain.

Take a hundred.

And take a complementary
lint remover.

Take a bunch of them.

Give them to your friends.

Take it easy.

Nice guy.

Anyone want a candy bar?

So, uh, you're sure
it's no problem?

Oh, yeah. No problem at all.

Hey, hey, hey. Time's up.

I get danny now.

Wait a minute.

I'm the executive producer.

I should have first dibs.

Forget it, kay.

He's mine.

This is amazing.

You know?

I was actually worried

That this might
not work out

But, danny, you seem
to be fitting in fine.

Yeah. I haven't felt
this wanted

Since I left my fingerprints
at that crime scene.

Fingerprints-- can you believe
I was ever that young?

Anyway, I never knew
work could be so fun.

Oh, did you hear that?

I have to thank
each and every one of you.

You know, by
giving danny

Good, hard,
honest work to do

You are making him
see what it is like

To be a responsible
member of society.

I'm just going on and on.

You've got work to do.

You just go ahead,
danny, go ahead.

Corky, about that thing

You wanted me
to take care of?

That's all right.

We can just talk
about it later.

No, no. After lunch, I'll
go tell your car wash guy

That he cannot break off
your antenna

And get away with it.

I'll explain to him

What a trip through
the carnauba wax machine

Could do to the human body.

And, kay, about
that chiropractor
who overcharged you?

No, no. It's not...

Let's just say,
I gave him

An adjustment
he'd never forget.

Crack! You know
what I mean?

Jim, I forgot to tell you
about that shoeshine guy.


You didn't want me to tip
his little shack over?

Great. Now you tell me.

Hold it.

These are the things
you've been doing all week?

This is what
they've been using you for?

Yeah. Isn't it great?

I'm getting paid for the stuff
I used to give away for free.

Murph, do you have any idea
what's going on here?

They are using danny
to intimidate people

To get exactly
what they want.

Can you believe that?

Really? You don't say?

Has anyone seen
the sweet 'n low?

It's certainly not
helping danny any.

He's being rewarded
for his old ways.

Isn't that
right, murph?


I know I saw some

Around here

You see? At least
murphy understands.

You people ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

That's right,
ashamed of yourselves.

I don't see how I can have
tea without sweet 'n low.

For the record, frank--

You know I would never
have asked that boy

To actually tip
the shack over.

I-i-i only meant

To let it be known that...

Oh, hang it all.

I'm sorry, frank.

I don't know
what got into me.

Years of bad shoeshines,
I suppose.

Yes, we're bad

And if there were
a paddle wheel here

I'd strap myself to it.


Telephone call.

Hey, murph, I just
wanted to thank you

For what you said out there.

Well, it had to be said, frank.

Half the office
uses sweet 'n low.

No, no. I meant
about danny.

You were the only one who
understands what's best for him.

Oh, that?

Well, what can I say?

That's my giving nature.

I see a person in need,
I instinctively reach out.

That's great. So can you
watch him for me tonight?

What? Hell, no.

Somebody's got
to keep him out of trouble

And I can't take him with me.

I'm doing an undercover stakeout
for my drug lord story

And it's way
too dangerous.

For who? The drug lords?

Frank, I can't.

I've got to fly to atlantic city
tomorrow for an interview...

Great. Then it's set.

Got to run.

The crew's waiting.


Hey, don't touch that.

What is this?

A volleyball trophy?

It's called an emmy.

Really? Is it
worth anything?

Look, just sit there
and don't touch anything.

Or better yet, why don't you
lie on the floor

And put your hands
behind your head?

I just got
off the phone

With your source
in atlantic city.

They can't do

The interview tomorrow.

They can do it tonight.

I can't do it tonight.

I have to baby-sit
danny tonight.

Well, far be it from me
to prevent you

From earning your $ . An hour.

I'll give the
interview to corky.

I set this up months ago.

It's tonight or never.

Oh, all right,
I'll do it.

Good. I'll
book the crew.

Great. Now what am I going
to do with you?

Atlantic city?

It sounds cool.

I'll come with you.

I'm taking you
to atlantic city?

I don't think so.

That's cool. I'll
wait in your office.

I'm sure I'll find some
way to amuse myself.

Come on.

Give me that.

All right, danny,
I want you to stay here

While I go do
my interview.

This should only take
about an hour.

I'm this close
to free booze

And trashy
cocktail waitresses

And you want me to wait
in a coffee shop?

I'm sorry to do this,
but I've got no choice.

This doesn't have
to be boring.

It doesn't?

Oh, no.

All you have to do

Is use your imagination.

Pretend you're not
in a coffee shop.

Make believe you're
in ancient egypt

And you're a pharaoh,
ruler of all you see.

Pharaoh. He's like,
the king, right?


Wow, so I guess
that would mean

If I'm pharaoh, I can
have anything I want?

Anything you want.

Okay, pharaoh wants
free booze

And trashy
cocktail waitresses.

Pretend this: you're you,
you're in a boring coffee shop

And your butt doesn't
leave this chair.

Can I at least
have a quarter

So I can call frank
to let him know I'm okay?

We're in atlantic city.

You're probably meeting
mob guys.

I might know some of them.

You get in a jam,
you might need me.

Thanks, but I can
take care of myself.

Wow. Guts and beauty?

You know, if I were
years older, I would...

Shut up.

Okay, danny.

I'm all done.

We can go now.


Uh, excuse me.

Has anyone been
arrested here

In the last hour?


You at the end
of the table--

You want a nine, right?
Let's see it.

Come on, nine!

winner nine!

What the hell
are you doing here?

I thought I told you
to wait in the coffee shop.

Well, I did.

I sat there
just like you said

But then I heard
someone call my name.

Oh, wait.
There it is again.

What's that?

You're wanting ?

Yo, !


Danny, way to go!

I'm like a god
to these people.

They look
like religious types.

Come on. I don't think this
is what frank had in mind.

Let me make one roll,
then I'll cash in.

No. No more rolls.

Are those yours?
How did you do that?

Hey, you can make a lot
from a quarter

If you know
what you're doing.

Winner. Seven.

Like I said

It's a gift.

Yeah. Anyway, let's go.

How much money would you say
you have there?

Oh. Well, let's see

The green ones are .

The blacks are a hundred

So that would mean

I have, uh...

Well, you better do
the math.

I get sort of lost
after ... Thousand.

You made all this
in an hour?

Yeah. I'm a little off

Like you said

We should go.

We wouldn't want
to miss our plane.

Yeah, our plane.

Unless...you want
to give it a sh*t.

Me? Oh, no. I couldn't.

I've never done it.

You're kidding.
You've never sh*t craps?

Of all the vices I've had--

And believe me, I once had
a lemon pledge on the rocks--

sh**ting dice is one I missed.

Well, uh, a first-time gambler
is always good luck.

Oh, look. Here's a chip.

What do you say?

One can't hurt.

Oh, all right. Just one.

Then we gotta go.

So where do I put it?

Come on, danny boy.

Let's see that four

The hard way.

Winner four!

Ho, baby, have you got
the hot hand tonight!

Give me change.

Keep a couple
for you and the boys.

It's : a.m.
Maybe we should get going.

Are you kidding?
We're on f*re.

We'll catch
the morning shuttle

Along with those stiffs
who have to work.

All right, barney.

Six and eight
and press them.

They're the heart
of any hot roll.

You're betting the field?

Are you kidding?

That's a sucker's bet.


Okay, hot stuff.

Bring it on home.

Bring it on home.

Six or eight,
six or eight.


Yo, eighter from decatur!

Come to mama.

All right, danny

What we don't want to see
is that ugly little number

Between six and eight,
all right?

Spread out, slim.

You're crowding us here.

What the hell
is going on here?


seven up!

Oh! Tough break, kid,
tough break

But you'll bounce back.

Do you know what
I had to go through

To hunt you two down?

Do you know
how worried I was

And now I find you
doing this?

Frank, I know
how this looks

And I know that
you wanted me

To keep danny
out of trouble

And, well, I don't know
what to say...

Except look how much money
we won!


All right, barney.

Color me up,
whatever that means.

excuse me.

I need to see some i.d.

That's very flattering

But I'm over ,
although not by much.

Your billboards don't lie.

You really do make
people feel special.

Not yours.

Excuse me. His.

He's the one
who's been playing.

No problem.

You want i.d.?


Thank you, uh...

Dr. Yamaguchi.

You know, you look
incredibly well preserved

For a guy who's three years
older than me.

It's my diet.

I don't believe this!

How could you do this?

You took
a -year-old gambling!

Hold on, now, frank.

I didn't take
a -year-old gambling.

I just found him gambling
and let him keep doing it.

Wait a minute. Did you say ?

I'm sorry
to hear that.

We're going to have
to keep our money.

It's not your money.
It's our money.

I'm afraid not.

The kid was the original bettor
and he's underage

So like I said, it's our money.

Let's go.

If you didn't think he was

Why didn't you card him
when he started playing?

What do you think?
He might have lost.

Could you pass the ketchup,
dr. Yamaguchi?

So I picked the wrong fake i.d.

That thing works
when you're picking up chicks

At the free clinic.

Oh, yeah? Well, it didn't work
tonight, did it?

We were rich!
Rich, I tell you.

Now we've got nothing.

I still have a quarter.

Is that the quarter I gave you?

I want it back.

This is not yours.

I lifted this off
some old broad at the slots

When she bent over
to change her oxygen t*nk.

All right, you two.

Just cut it out.

Give me the quarter.


I said, give me the quarter!

Okay, all right!

What got into him?

I don't appreciate the fact

That I had to hunt you two down
in the middle of the night

Because you're too irresponsible

To know the difference
between right and wrong.

We'll have to work on that.

We better skedaddle.

Sit down. I'm not done.

Danny, I don't know what

To do with you.

I've tried to be understanding.

I've tried to be your friend.

I even put my reputation
on the line to get you a job.

This is how you repay me.

It wasn't my idea to come here.

Oh, sure! Blame me!

And you. You ought to be
ashamed of yourself

Using danny

To make money?!

Yeah, she did that, didn't she?

You know, everywhere I go,
I'm a victim.

You don't get it, do you?

Either of you.

You know what?

I love your mother.

I'm trying to be
a good parent to you

But you're making it impossible.

And you? You're supposed
to be my best friend

But every time I come to you
for support, I get nothing.

Well, thanks so much.

Thanks a lot.

He's right, you know.

You have been sort of
a no-good punk.


And you were definitely
not there for him.

You want to go first?

Yeah. What the hell.

Listen, frank...



I want you to have this.

It's my fake i.d.

I'm not going
to need it anymore.

Really? Wow.

Look, danny, I'm sorry
I had to come down on you.

I didn't want to.

Yeah, well, the truth is
after tonight i...

Well, you know, I kind of...
I kind of respect you.

Hmm. Because I finally
put my foot down

And read you the riot act.

Nah. I didn't hear
any of that.

I mean, because you have
a friend like murphy.

Anyone that hangs
with trouble like her

Can't be all bad.

I'll take that.

I want to apologize, too, frank.

Next time you turn to me
for support, I'll be there.


I think you two really
see where you went wrong.

Oh, we do.

Yeah. We really do.


Next time,
I throw the dice.

You got that right.

Stay tuned.murphy brown
will be right back.

That tape
you wanted.

Oh, thanks, frank.

Oh, uh, wait
a second, frank.

Huh? What-what-what's up?

Nice try.

Oh, come on.

You've got five!
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