05x02 - The Well

[bunniefuu]

Oh, Schultz, I
just heard that...

This is very nice.

Germany is locked in a death
struggle with her enemies,

and you're practicing
to be a trained seal.

He's got to have a
trade for after the w*r, sir.

Hogan, what are you doing here?

Shopping for a trained seal act.

If you don't mind, I would like

to conduct some
Luftwaffe business.

Okay.

Major Strauss
called from Stalag 4.

General Burkhalter
and Captain Ritter

are on their way over here.

Have the VIP
quarters been cleaned?

All is in order,
Herr Commandant.

And lucky for you. Carry on.

You... out!

Dismissed.

Who's Captain Ritter?

Luftwaffe staff officer,
Intelligence Section.

Any idea why he's
coming to Shangri-La?

The big sh*t doesn't
tell us anything.

Yeah.

I can see you're busy.

I'll see you later.

Ah?

Intelligence officer?

Right, and due
here in a few hours.

Could be important.

Kinch, radio London,
tell them to stand by.

We may have something for them.

Right.

LeBeau, Carter, when Burkhalter

and this Captain Ritter arrive,

I want you to get in the office

and clean it... ears open.

We already did that once, sir.

Clean it again, Carter.

Hasn't anyone ever told you

w*r is a dirty business?

Bonjour!

Hi, folks.

What are you doing in here?

We've come to clean the office.

But you cleaned it this morning.

That's right.

Where does the time go?

Out!

The officers are
having a meeting.

No one allowed in here.

Well, with all that brass here,

you want everyone to
look busy, don't you?

Never mind.

We'll tell Colonel Hogan

you wouldn't let us clean it.

And he'll tell Klink.

And Klink will tell you.

Oh, boy, will he tell you.

Hey, drop us a postcard.

Let us know which combat
unit you've been assigned to.

Bye, ma'am. Au revoir.

Wait a minute!

Come in.

Go ahead. Clean...
But make it fast.

Would you move your
great bulk aside, Sergeant?

Wh-Wh-What for?

We have to clean inside
the closet. Thank you.

What brings you to Stalag 13?

Captain Ritter has been ordered

to acquaint himself
with Luftwaffe

prisoner-of-w*r facilities.

The general was kind enough

to let me tag along
on the inspection tour.

I'm at your disposal, Captain.

I will give you any
information that I have.

Danke, Herr Colonel.

You may learn a few
things anyway. Hmm!

Will you be filing a report
with Headquarters, sir?

I mean, are they
contemplating any changes?

Klink's a very secure man.

No report, Colonel.

My work is
Luftwaffe Intelligence.

There, there is
nothing more intelligent

than Intelligence, I always say.

Unfortunately, that's
what he always says,

among other things.

The general knows me so well.

It has not been easy.

Well, Captain,

we shall try to make things

as comfortable
as possible for you.

Now, if there is
anything I can do.

There is one small
thing, Colonel.

Mm-hmm.

I have a Luftwaffe
code book with me.

Top secret, of course.

I wonder if you could
put it in your safe.

Captain.

I shall make it my
personal responsibility.

Voilà.

In the safe it goes.

In the office safe.

Oui. Wrapped in a nice
waterproof package.

Luftwaffe codes.

Just what London
wants for Christmas.

It's not what I want
for Christmas, boy.

Can we get it?

I'd have to steal it
long enough to copy it.

Boy, what I'd like for Christmas

is some new tires for my
motorcycle back home.

Newkirk could open
the commandant's safe.

I've done it before.

Very risky.

A man could get k*lled that way.

Not if you don't speed.

It's worth a try.

All right, Newkirk'll
get the book.

Kinch, you handle
the switchboard.

We need Klink out of his office

for about ten
minutes. That's it.

Boy, wouldn't do any good

to get those tires to my
motorcycle for Christmas.

I'd have to be back
home to enjoy them.

Boy, that's what I wish.

I wish I was a civilian again.

So do we, Carter.

So do we.

Just answer my
question, Newkirk.

Do you call these windows clean?

I do the best I can, sir.

Well, if that's an
example of your best,

maybe you ought
to try your worst.

That's very funny, Colonel.

I don't mind being knocked about

with a touch of humor, sir.

What is going on here?

Just a minute, Commandant.

When you do a job,
don't you try to be perfect?

I mean, when you're working,
what are you thinking about?

Girls, mostly, sir.

It's been a long w*r.

This is my office, you know.

What's going on here?

The colonel doesn't fancy

the job I did on your
windows, Commandant.

Well, if the windows
in the nerve center

of Stalag 13 can't
be clean, I give up.

They look all right to me.

Commandant, do
you want Burkhalter

to tell that g*ng in Berlin
that you've got DW?

DW?

Dirty windows.

Oh, never mind. Get on with it.

Commandant, would
you like to step outside

for a few minutes
while I do the job?

No, the commandant would
like to continue his work.

Now, clean the
windows and do it quietly.

Colonel Klink speaking.

Heil h*tler.

Sergeant of the guard,
Herr Commandant.

General Burkhalter
requests that you report

to his quarters at once.

I'll be there immediately.

Schultz!

Yes, Herr Commandant.

Schultz, did you send for me?

Me send for you?

I never send for anybody,

not even if I need them.

I was told the general
wanted to see me.

I walked in there and
interrupted his nap.

Ooh, how terrible.

Interrupting a general's
nap could cost a promotion.

If it costs me a
promotion, Schultz,

imagine what it would cost you.

I've got to build up
my efficiency rating.

What do we have on
the disciplinary file?

The prisoners were writing
nasty things about you

on the barracks walls.

Old stuff.

Old, but true.

Oh, shut up. Who cares?

Oh...

There are five silver spoons

missing from the officers mess.

No, that's not... Wait.

That could be it.

Call a special formation
of all prisoners at once.

Everyone must be
there, no exceptions.

Tell Kinch to start sending that

to London immediately.

I'll stay here and cover.

Right.

Oh, Colonel.

If you ever get
anything valuable,

I wouldn't keep
it in that bloody

crackerbox if I were you.

Not with you around.

Where do you think
you're going, soldier?!

I'm going to the barracks.

Halt!

There has been a special
formation called at once!

Right, Herr
Schultz. I'll be there

and if I'm not there,
start without me.

Hold it, now...

Get this man to the special

formation at once!

Take it easy, take it easy.

There's no need to get alarmed.

Good Lor...

See what you nearly made me do.

Achtung!

Prisoners,

the mess sergeant reports that
five silver spoons are missing

from the officers mess.

The guilty man has 48
hours to return those spoons

and report himself
to the sergeant

for suitable punishment.

If he fails to do
so, the entire camp

will be restricted to quarters
and all privileges revoked.

Dismissed.

Why did you have
to throw it in the well?

I was making a wish.

I couldn't eat the bloody
code book, could I?

The question now is, how do we

get the book out of the well?

We could tunnel
up to it, Colonel.

Yeah, it'd take too long.

Find an excuse to work
over there... above ground.

We start digging and tell them

we're trying to get
the well started again.

Carter, go away.

Help the Krauts
find those spoons.

Well, hold it, hold it.

We could dig that well,

but they'd have to need water.

Okay, we cut the pipes.

No, we need more time for
digging. Something bigger.

How about the water
works at Hamelburg?

Hey, that's marvelous!

Hey, see, guys, I
did have an idea.

Blow up the water
works in Hamelburg.

Uh-huh.

The water works in Hamel...

Colonel, wait a minute!

Don't listen to me!

I don't always know
what I'm saying!

Klink!!

And you expect people
to go without water?

What?

I see.

Heil h*tler.

How long will the water be
turned off, Herr Kommandant?

Oh, it may take days.

But we do have wine,
General Burkhalter.

I've never tried brushing
my teeth with wine.

We have several
bottles of Riesling 1936.

And I have no intention
of walking around

with drunken bridgework.

Come in, come in, come in.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

A word with you, Commandant?

Not now, Hogan. I'm busy.

It's very important, sir.

It's about the water supply.

I said not now.

Well, I mean, my
men are without water.

We want you to turn
on the reserve supply.

Reserve supply?

There is no reserve supply.

No reserve supply?
That's shocking.

What are your plans to
meet the emergency, sir?

Well, we are considering
the problem right now.

This is a high-level
meeting for just that purpose.

A high-level meeting
with low-level thinking.

Have you suggested
the dry well, sir?

I haven't gotten to that yet.

Might be reactivated.

Give us the tools,
we can start digging.

Of course, start digging...

a tunnel.

Request denied.

No escape today.
Thank you, Hogan.

Just a minute, Klink.

You think there is a chance
you could reach water?

What do we got to lose, General?

This high-level talking

isn't going to
solve the problem.

See that tools are
issued to them at once.

Yes, sir. And I think
it's a excellent idea.

Thank you, General.

We'll get to work
on it right away.

Dismissed, Hogan.

Well, gentlemen, to
consider the problem...

Klink, get me a
bottle of that Riesling.

At once, sir.

I would like to wash
up before lunch.

I got the book, Colonel.

All right, good. Hold on to it.

Hey, Colonel, water's seeping
into the bottom of the well.

How about that,
we really did a job.

Let's get back to the barracks.

Just a minute, Colonel Hogan.

They are not going
back to the barracks yet.

Line up. Schnell.

What's the idea, Schultz?

Spot check. Orders
by the Kommandant.

Come on, we've
been working for hours!

Quiet!

Still looking for the spoons?

Yes. Klink says he's
going to look for them

till the end of the Earth.

And let's hope
it's a one-way trip.

Now I'm going to
make the search.

Hey, just a moment, Schultz.

Am I in the right place?

No. I stand over there.

You're not over here.

I mean, you're
always on my right.

No, no, I...

I don't care where...

I don't, I don't care
where you stand!

Line up!

Keep it that way!

That's better!

I say forget the
code book, Colonel.

It's lost.

Okay, Ritter checks out,
he asks for it, no book,

big investigation.

You know how it ends?
They sh**t us as spies.

Well, we're not spies, Colonel.

We're just POWs.

Blowing up bridges and factories

in our spare time.

Well, it keeps
us out of trouble.

There's no choice.

Somebody's got to dive for it.

By now there's ten feet
of ice water in the well.

He'll need
earplugs, a flashlight.

We'll waterproof it
with wax and gum.

Who's "he," Colonel?

He's you, that's who he is.

Me?! Dive for that
book in that ice water?!

Carter, you're in
good physical shape.

I know you're not
afraid of water.

Just because I take a
bath every Saturday...

That doesn't prove anything.

We have to get most of
the Krauts out of camp.

I've got an idea. Who
hasn't escaped lately?

I don't care to
escape. I like it here.

I've got a plan for a diversion.

It may involve sh**ting.

Makes it sound like fun.

What about me?

I'm going to be
under that ice water.

Andrew, you look
better that way.

An escape?

Which prisoner?

LeBeau, the Frenchman.

The cockroach wants to leave us?

I thought he liked it here.

Oh, shut up.

Go on, Hogan.

Well, he's dyed a blanket
to make a crude uniform.

Tomorrow night he wants
me to report a prisoner missing.

The alert starts,
in the confusion,

slips out of the barracks,
joins the search party

and leaves camp with them.

Yes, yes.

Once outside the wire,

he slips away,

takes off the
uniform, he's gone.

Brilliant.

Stupid.

Uh, stupid and brilliant.

Schultz, arrest the Frenchman.

Throw him into the cooler.

Give him a chance
to think it over.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Wrong, Commandant.

Smarter to let him go
through with his plan.

Arrest him outside
the wire tomorrow night.

What for?

Well, if he has any
outside contacts,

pick them up, too.

We are the Luftwaffe, not
the Gestapo. I don't like it.

And it would look better
on your efficiency rating.

However, I like to
keep an open mind.

We'll try it. Good
thinking, sir.

Hogan.

Why are you reporting
one of your own men?

I don't want him to get hurt.

I've learned from
bitter experience...

Nobody escapes from
Stalag 13 and the Iron Colonel.

Iron Colonel? Who's that?

Schultz, I wish
you would escape.

I wouldn't raise a
finger to stop you.

Oh, Florence
Chadwick, I presume.

Huh! The Krauts are
all standing by, sir.

Good.

That uniform is perfect,
LeBeau... just bad enough.

Where'd you get the g*n?

Belongs to Schultz.

What's he going to use?

That's his problem.

All right, let's get organized.

Newkirk, you'll be in
charge of the flashlight,

the rope and the
blanket. Right, sir.

Kinch, London all
set for the code?

Standing by, Colonel.

Okay, this is it.

LeBeau, let's move out.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!

Please don't be too German.

They'll never believe it.

Almost set, Carter?

Yes, sir. Okay.

Good luck with
your Channel swim.

Thanks.

Oh, that's charming.

Schultz!

Schultz!

There's a man missing.

He's gone.

Looks like an escape.

Prisoner escaped!

Prisoner escaping!

Search party, schnell,
schnell, schnell!

Search party, come
on, let's go! Schnell!

Prepare to move out!

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Schnell, schnell! Let's go!

Come on, let's go.

Schnell, schnell,
schnell, schnell, schnell!

Search party, let's go!

Come on, in the truck!

Schnell, schnell,
schnell, schnell!

Come on, let's go!

Schnell!

Forward!!

Come on.

Now, got the signals?

Two tugs on the rope
means we'll pull you up.

Three tugs means
trouble, stay down.

Good luck.

Think a short prayer
might be in order, sir.

Is he in the water yet?

It's a half mile down there.

Any more questions, Colonel?

We've given him enough time.

Schultz, over there.

The rest of you come with me.

That cockroach is
here somewhere.

I think I hear breathing.

I bloody well hope so.

He's ready to come up.

I got that impression myself.

Let's get him up.

Hey, he's got it.

Watch it. Kraut
coming. Take cover.

LeBeau!

Can you hear me?

I know you're in there.

Now come out with your hands up

and you won't get hurt.

LeBeau, don't be a fool.

You haven't got a chance.

I will count till three.

If you do not come out,

I will have the patrol fire.

Prepare to fire.

All right, LeBeau.

At the count of three.

One... two... three.

Don't hurt him.

He makes marvelous strudel.

Oh, shut up.

Fire!

Cease fire!

Get London working
on that right away, huh?

Right.

Let's get this blanket on him.

Nice going, Carter. Nice going.

There you are, champ.

You did a great job.

He's got an affinity for water.

A natural frogman.

Be a smash in the Navy.

If they ask for him, I'll have
to sign the transfer papers.

If you guys don't mind,

I'll see myself home.

Colonel Hogan, I'm not in...

Newkirk, what are
you doing here?

I was just inspecting
your windows, sir.

Out. Dismissed.

Commandant, you knew
about the escape in advance.

30 days in the
cooler is too stiff.

The man did try to escape.

But I tipped you off.

And what's more,
LeBeau stole those spoons

so he could finance
himself once he got out.

Now, nobody steals the
property of the Third Reich

and gets away with it!

The spoons.

Will wonders never cease.

But how did they...?

Good fairies must have
returned them during the night.

I knew I would get them back.

Yeah, you've had
a big week, sir.

The spoons have been returned,

you recaptured the
prisoner, we struck water.

Come on now, reduce
LeBeau's sentence.

All right, 15 days
in the cooler.

Come on, Commandant,
that's not like you.

You're so strong
and compassionate

and efficient and
likable and warm

and human and just and fair.

Now, come on, you can
afford to make a gesture.

Why, thank you for the
compliments, Hogan.

One week... and believe
me it's not easy for me

to reduce a sentence.

Believe me, it's not easy for me

to think up those
compliments for you.

Dismissed!