05x03 - The Klink Commandos

[bunniefuu]

LeBeau.

Ici.

Carter. Aye.

Newkirk. Ici.

Kinchloe. Yeah.

Hogan.

Yeah, here.

Everybody here?

Don't question it,
Schultz, enjoy it.

You are so right, Colonel Hogan.

The end of a perfect day.

I couldn't ask for anything...

Report!

Report!

Herr Kommandant,
beg to report that...

You beg to report that what?

Klink, darling!

I have come back to you!

To me?

Look at him, Waffy.

Is he not beautiful?!

Oh, Klinky...

Oh...

Crush me in your strong
arms, Klink, darling.

Hold me, hurt me...

It's what I've been longing for.

What do you make
of that, Colonel?

Things were running too smoothly

is what I make of it.

I didn't know she had
a thing going with Klink.

She could not, never.

Pure as the driven snow...

practically.

LeBeau, do me a favor...

Hold it.

Look at our other
visiting fireman.

Waffy, dear,

this is my gorgeous
Kommandant Klink.

Mmm!

Look upon him and eat
your Prussian heart out.

Sir, I assure you, for my part,

I have not made the
slightest overtures,

nor the most
delicate innuendoes.

Do not concern
yourself, Klink, darling.

Waffy and I are merely
as brother and sister...

Nothing.

Oh, did I say that this is
Count von Waffenschmidt?

Oh, Count von Waffenschmidt,

it's a great honor, sir.

And once more may I say

that I categorically
state that I...

Is it possible to transact
our affairs inside?

Or should we stand here
like vegetable merchants?

Oh, into my office,
by all means.

It's a great honor, Count
von Waffenschmidt.

Schultz, the door, the door.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Do not be jealous
of him, Klink, darling.

He is nothing to me.

You are everything.

Huh?

How very kind of you.

Hmm...

She has come
to see me, I feel it.

Did she look over here once?

Once?!

She could not trust herself.

That should be an interesting
conversation, Colonel.

Yeah, let's listen in, huh?

That's very interesting,
Count von Waffenschmidt.

So you are going
to the Russian front?

That's a wonderful
place to visit,

but I wouldn't
want to die there.

There's a train running
by here in the morning.

Marya and I will be on it.

You have only
tonight for love, Klink.

Enough?

Tell him, Klink, darling.

As a matter of fact,

I believe I'm on
guard duty tonight.

Oh, you're so
right, Klink, darling.

En garde...

Merely transact your
sordid affairs out of my sight.

And your quarters, Klink,
do they carry out the, uh...

decor of your office...
"Early Grubby"?

"Grubby"... grubby,
yes, but home, sir.

Good, I will sleep there.

Do not disturb me.

Waffy is petulant,
Klink, darling,

because I forced
him to come here.

Be realistic... what can you do

with a suitcase
chained to your wrist?

Really, Marya, what possible
difference does it make

if I ignore you with
one hand or two?

Hah!

You beg to be a courier so
you can be a refugee from life.

Pooey.

It is all a crushing bore:

you, this, him, the
Russian front, everything.

If you will excuse me,

I must post the guard now.

Oh, no, no, no.

The evening belongs
to me, Klink, darling.

Where can we go that
is intimate, romantic?

The mess hall?

Anywhere, Klink, darling...
With you, anywhere.

I wonder...

How could she?!

Klink?! Bah!

LeBeau, you're around the bend.

Wait a minute, wait a minute...

I'm trying to sort this out.

I don't trust her, but I
don't underestimate her.

She knows we've got
Klink's office bugged, right?

Or she's got a pretty good idea.

So that conversation might
have been meant for us.

It's just possible.

Now, what do we got?

A courier on his way
to the Russian front

with an attaché case
chained to his wrist,

and he's sleeping in
Klink's quarters tonight.

Hey, maybe she wants us

to steal that attaché case.

While she takes
Klink out of the way.

You see, and you doubted her.

That may be it... maybe.

So what do we do?

Wait till we find
out definitely?

They're leaving camp
tomorrow morning.

So we go to work tonight.

Was there something you wanted?

Wasn't this the room

that called for a plumber?

A fine example, I
believe, of gallows humor.

Schultz!

Now, stand right over there...

and quietly, most quietly.

You wouldn't believe

we were looking for a
red-headed bird named Ginger?

No.

No, I didn't think
you would somehow.

Count von Waffenschmidt,

Sergeant Schultz reporting,

alert and on guard...

Colonel Hogan, Newkirk.

Hi, Schultz.

Nice to see you, Schultzy.

I see you know
these men, Schultz.

Of course, Count
von Waffenschmidt.

Those are our prisoners of w*r.

Any idea how they got in here?

Not the slightest.

Then I will tell you.

They came right past your
nose as you were sleeping.

Oh, a brilliant conclusion,
Count von Waff...

I will deal with
you later, Schultz.

Colonel Hogan,
would you like to know

the contents of this?

If it wouldn't be prying.

It contains honey,

and you are the first
fly to catch his feet in it.

Glad you told me.

I should be more specific.

We have been troubled

for the past six
months by spies.

Our general staff
sends battle plans

to the Russian front,

but somehow the
Russians have them

before our own troops.

Obviously a very clever ring.

My, uh, sympathies
to the general staff.

This time we do
things a bit differently.

I carry the battle plans
to the front myself.

With me is Marya, whom we
have been watching for some time.

Now, if she cares to
detour along the way,

I allow it...

Such as our stopover
here at Stalag 13.

You begin to get
the picture, Hogan?

Certainly looks bad
for Klink, doesn't it?

Oh, not Klink... you.

You are the first of her
contacts I have apprehended,

and in a short while I
will have the whole ring.

Now, Schultz, both of
these men will remain

under the most
stringent security

until I return from Russia.

At that time, the Gestapo
in Berlin will undertake

the interrogation under
my personal direction.

Should either of them escape,

your life will be forfeit.

Understand?

Count von Waffenschmidt,

while I certainly am honored

by this assignment,
there are guards here

who are younger and...

more in need of
recognition and...

You, Schultz!

Now take them away.

Jawohl.

Until my return, Colonel Hogan,

when we shall become
more closely acquainted.

Colonel Hogan, Newkirk!

You will stay away
from the front lines?

Definitely.

Reporting for duty, Colonel.

I know what you are
thinking, mon colonel,

but she is innocent, innocent.

And you're out of your mind,
but keep your voices down.

She is innocent.

Then what are we in
here for, double parking?

All right, look... they set a
trap and we walked into it.

I could get you out
of here, Colonel.

See, all I got to do is pour

a couple of drops
of nitroglycerin

into the cell door lock there

and she swings right open.

Not good enough.

Well, surely that's better

than doing a waltz with
the Gestapo in Berlin, sir.

I'm not planning
on doing either.

Somehow I'm going to get
my hands on those plans

in that attaché case.

But won't they be on that
train tomorrow morning

that's going to
the Russian front?

So will we.

Maybe I should go
home for that nitroglycerin.

Go with LeBeau.

Get into a German general's
uniform, special forces.

Tell Kinch to go out

and set a time b*mb
on the tracks of that train.

I want it delayed for
about three hours.

Oui... that I understand.

Colonel, is there anything
special you want me to do

as a German general?

Recruit us all into
the Wehrmacht.

We're joining the German army?

Just for a short time.

Oh, well, if it's only
for a short time.

On a su1c1de mission
to the Russian front.

Herr Kommandant, they
went to the train station.

Are you sure?

The woman, too?

Count von Waffenschmidt
and the woman.

Oh, what a relief.

I'm a prisoner in my own camp.

All night I've been
trying to avoid her.

I should get involved
with a Russian

traveling with a jealous count?

Oh, Herr Kommandant,
it was a very hard night.

Perhaps we both
could take the day off.

Excellent idea, Schultz.

Ah, my own quarters,
a warm glass of milk

in my own warm bed.

So!

9:00 in the morning

and already we're going to bed.

What is this, a rest
camp or a prison camp?!

Achtung!

Ah, how very nice to
see you, General, uh...

Reifschneider... a name
you will not soon forget!

No, certainly,
General Reifschneider.

A great pleasure,
General Reifschneider.

You see, Sergeant Schultz and I

were just having
a bit of a joke,

as you might call it.

"Treason" I would call it.

In Berlin we have two words
for sleeping on the job...

Boom, boom.

"Boom, boom."

Correct, sir.

You're absolutely right.

Remember that, Schultz.

Me, Herr Kommandant?

So!

Where is your
security here, Klink?!

No one told you when I arrived!

No one called you when
I came to the gates, no!

General Reifschneider,
heads will roll.

You can be assured of that.

I am... a very shiny one.

Very clever, General
Reifschneider.

No one enjoys a good
laugh more than I do, but...

Enough small talk.

Of course, General
Reifschneider.

I mean after all,
two busy men like us

have no time for small...

Enough, Klink!

Enough, Klink!

Yes, sir.

Now prop open your
eyes and listen to me.

I have come from Berlin

to recruit a very
special squad...

Men who have nothing to live for

and so will not
be afraid to die.

In a word, prisoners.

Prisoners?

Oh... take all you want...

Liberty hall.

About five will do for a su1c1de
squad to the Russian front!

After Stalag 13, they
would go anywhere,

if I may say so, sir.

You just did.

Thank you for noticing
it, General Reifschneider.

Schultz!

Round up five prisoners!

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Klink!

If I had wanted you
to pick the prisoners,

I could have stayed in Berlin!

I will pick the men!

And you will do a much better
job, General Reifschneider.

Schultz, countermand that order.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Come! When I see the
men I will know them.

Certainly, General
Reifschneider.

Schultz, you come with us.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Herr Kommandant...

And after that, could
I have the day off?

Schultz.

Klink!

Ah, Klink.

Achtung!

Achtung!

Ah...

Restricted area.

Back to the barracks at once.

I'm sorry, General
Reifschneider.

Their names?

Corporal LeBeau,
Sergeant Kinchloe.

Corrective discipline will be
taken at once, trust me, sir.

I shall take them.

Excellent idea,
General Reifschneider.

Fit them with German
uniforms... Wehrmacht.

They fall out for the
Russian front within the hour.

Wait a minute! Don't
we have a choice?

None!

You are volunteers.

Who's in there?

Oh, uh, top-security prisoners

held by Count von
Waffenschmidt and the Gestapo, sir.

Good.

I shall look at them.

But General
Reifschneider, I... I...

But, General Reifschneider,
my instructions are most specific.

These men are to be held here

until Count von
Waffenschmidt returns.

If they're not
here, I will be sh*t.

If you don't release them to me,

you shall be sh*t now.

It is your choice.

I think I should
prefer to be sh*t later.

Congratulations.

You men have just volunteered

for a glorious su1c1de
mission to the Russian front.

I need one more.

Uh, General,

Sergeant Carter of our outfit

would be a very good choice.

Why?

Well, he's not too bright.

Perfect volunteer.

I'll take him.

Uniforms for all; they
have a train to catch.

Guards!

The prisoners have just
joined the Wehrmacht.

Call the quartermaster.

Uniforms for everybody.

Klink, one thing more.

Please, General...

Klink, I am trying to help you.

Really?

If you do not wish to be around

when Count von
Waffenschmidt returns,

how about a transfer?

Oh, anywhere, anywhere
at all, General Reifschneider.

Good!

You shall be the leader
of the su1c1de squad.

Fall out with full field
pack in ten minutes.

I'm returning to Berlin.

But...

Well, uh, congratulations, sir.

Just what you've always wanted.

Hogan, where did I go wrong?

Getting colder, isn't it?

Oh, uh, colder.

Yes, definitely.

Every mile now, colder.

Every half mile even... colder.

Yeah, getting colder, all right.

I know it's cold.

I can feel it, I'm freezing.

Why do you have to
keep reminding me of it?

That's a good sign... irritable.

Means he's honed to
a fine edge for combat.

Hogan, why do you
have to keep saying that?

Honed to a fine edge for what?

I don't even know
what our mission is.

Well, we'll probably
get sealed orders

when we get to the front.

That's the way these
things usually work.

Why?!

What is the rhyme
or reason of it?

Why do I have to
be snatched away

from a warm, dry, safe Stalag 13

and be sent on some su1c1de
mission by some madman?

General Reifschneider, sir?

Yes, General Reifschneider!

I'm not afraid to say it.

And I shall certainly
deny that I did.

Courageous stand, sir.

She is coming, Colonel, Marya.

Marya?

The Russian?

From what direction?

This way, sir.

I'm going that direction.

She was the cause of it all.

Somehow I feel that
she's responsible.

She couldn't help herself, sir.

It's your legendary charm.

I will not let her spoil my
last few miserable hours.

Better go with him...

Make sure he doesn't
jump off the train, huh?

And you will see, mon colonel,

she's completely innocent.

And the Russian front
is a summer resort.

See you later.

Oh, you look lovely
in your little uniform.

And you in yours.

After eternities!

Alone at last.

Hold me, Hogan.

Hold you after what you did?

I could strangle you.

The small one, how he trusts me.

What a lesson for you
in his beautiful faith.

Look, do you
have any idea at all

what you're doing?

Von Waffenschmidt
used you to trap me,

and he's going to
do the same thing

with all your other contacts.

How diabolical.

It happens to be true,

which is one of the
reasons I'm here.

Oh, how sad.

I thought you pursued
me out of passion.

Look, stop the fun
and games for a minute

and listen to what
I'm telling you.

Von Waffenschmidt
knows you're an agent.

After he grabs
all your contacts,

he's going to grab you.

I know.

How long have you known?

From the beginning.

Then why this
business at Stalag 13?

You knew we had
Klink's office bugged.

You practically told us

you were getting
him out of the way

so we'd make a
grab for the case.

The attaché case
is of no importance;

we already have the plans.

Then why did you have
me stick my neck out?

Because I needed your
help, Hogan, darling,

in the larger plan.

Was that your way of
getting me to help you?!

You're here.

Hmm?

All right, all right.

What's it all about?

First, say you trust me.

Not for a second!

I like you.

Now, there are generals

on the German general staff

who wish to bring down h*tler.

Every battle plan
for the Eastern front

is transmitted by them in code

to a secret station
in Switzerland.

From there it finds
its way to Russia.

Naturally the Germans
know there is a leak.

Von Waffenschmidt
is trying to find it.

Simple, no?

And that's how you already have

the information he's
carrying with him.

Brilliant, Hogan, darling.

This whole operation
is just to throw

von Waffenschmidt off the track,

act as a red herring.

Please, I'm a White Russian!

Got to get rid of him somehow.

Or discredit him.

Don't worry, you'll
think of something.

I'll think of something, I will?

Of course you will.

I've already drugged his brandy.

He'll be out at least
another half hour.

That's all, 30 minutes?

Do not waste time.

That leaves only
20 minutes for love.

I think this is the
one, Colonel...

Same one as almost
opened it before.

Here we go.

Ah.

There, sir.

Okay, Newkirk, good work.

Right, shouldn't I get
to work on the case, sir?

Just take your Kn*fe
and cut the seal.

What... all this and you
don't even want to open it?

It just has to look
like it's been opened.

He is brilliant.

Trust him as I do.

Cut, Newkirk.

Okay, sir... it's your show.

Hmm...

It looks like our boys
got the train stopped.

What a marvelous way
to take advantage of me.

Hey, LeBeau, you sure you know

how to run an engine?

Of course I am sure I
know how to run an engine!

Forward, I know
how to run an engine!

Backward, I have
not had much practice!

Probably a new crew.

On my last trip must I be

bounced around like a bean bag?

Well, I guess they
got it going now...

I hope.

Personally, I'm in no hurry.

Does it seem to you

like the train is
going backwards?

Oh, my head.

What did you...

You drank too much, Waffy.

One drink?

That was too much.

Might be the climate.

Now, you are Hogan.

Well... now, how
did you get here?

Better check the seal.

Looking for this?

Oh, he forced me to tell.

So, now you sh**t me?

Not necessarily...
But the Gestapo might.

Why?

Several reasons.

For losing the battle plans?

They're still in there.

But we might have made copies.

What happens then?

You deliver them,

the Russians already
have the plans,

you get sh*t as a traitor.

But if I say the plans might
have been tampered with?

They sh**t for
inefficiency, Waffy.

I see.

Well, then...

Go ahead... sh**t.

Too messy.

But you might defect.

You could get me out of Germany?

It's possible.

But I would be branded.

They would consider me the head

of the spy ring I
was sent to catch.

They would take
vengeance on my wife.

You love her that much, Waffy?

I will defect.

You could be a great
asset to the free world.

What are we talking about?

We are on a train bound
for the Russian front.

Stalag 13.

The Russian front.

When Hogan says something,
Waffy, dear, believe him.

Stalag 13?

Rise and shine, commandant,

we're here. Hmm?

Hmm, we're... we're here?

Yeah... the rest
of the commandos

are already off the train.

Commandos?

Klink's Commandos.

Oh...

Oh, it's terribly cold.

Yeah, brisk, sir.

Oh, thank you, Hogan.

You know, Hogan,
I just want to say,

despite our little differences,

I've always regarded
you as a kindred spirit.

"Kindred spirit"... it's
very decent of you, sir.

And, you know, when this
is over and we should meet

on that great parade
ground in the sky,

just call me Wilhelm.

Well, thank you.

And I know what a
great disappointment

this is to you.

Disappointment?

It's a disaster!

No, no, I mean the
mission being called off.

Called off?

Yeah, change of orders.

I thought you heard.

But where are we?

At the station near Stalag 13.

Stalag 13?!

Tough break, Wilhelm.

"Wilhelm"?

Commandant Klink, Hogan.

Yeah, good to be home again.