05x04 - The Gasoline w*r

[bunniefuu]

It's a gas pump,

that's what it is.

Very good, Carter.

Looks like they're
going to feed the gas

from the barracks.

Why do they need a gas pump?

I can't figure that out.

You've done enough thinking

for one day, Carter.

You'll give yourself hives.

Come on, gentlemen, come on.

Let's go, let's move along.

You don't belong here.

Back, back, back.

Get away from the wire!

Schultz? Back!

What's going on?

I know nothing, nothing!

Come on, Schultz.

If I would know something,
I wouldn't even tell myself.

You don't even trust you?

I'm too smart for that.

Forget it, fellows,
he's only a sergeant;

they don't know
anything important.

That's right, the corporal
knows better than you.

Oh, ja, I'm only a sergeant?

Ja, well, is that so?

Well, they wouldn't
have a gasoline pump

loading convoys heading
for France without telling me!

So don't you for...

Don't...

Don't you forget it!

Now get away from here!

Get away from the wire!

All right, you don't
have to scream.

I mean, really. Quiet!

LeBeau... I'm warning you!

There it is, fellows, straight
from the horse's mouth.

Clever, these Krauts;

they refuel the trucks

and store all the gas here

because they know our side

won't b*mb a P.O.W. camp.

Kinch, get in touch with the
underground in Hammelburg.

Find out if they
know anything, huh?

Right, Colonel.

Hogan, this is none
of your concern.

The Geneva Convention forbids

placing prisoners
of w*r in danger.

Gasoline is dangerous.

Thank you, Hogan,

you're very informative
this morning;

you're also dismissed.

I'll have to file an
official complaint

with the protecting power.

I have my orders from Berlin.

And you didn't
protest those orders?

In my army, we don't
protest, we obey orders.

Now, would you mind?

What about your pride?

Do you realize
they're making you

a commandant of a gas station?

What? Well, just think,

you're going to be
standing out there

and some two-bit
sergeant is going to drive up

to "Klink's gas station,"

say, "Fill her up, buddy."

Out! Dismissed.

Then he's going to say,

"You better get that windshield

really clean, fella."

Get out before I
have you thrown out.

Okay.

Take 28 pounds of air
in the front, 30 in the rear.

The gall of that man!

Insolence, pure insolence!

Klink's gas station.

Heil h*tler.

Would you hurry up, Louie?

My foot's catching pneumonia.

I'm doing the best I can.

It would be easier to
make them into spats.

Answer from the
underground, Colonel.

They got information
on the first convoy.

When?

Well, they won't transmit it

by radio... too risky.

They expect us to guess at it?

Well, they want someone
to meet one of their people

at the Hofbrau in
Hammelburg tomorrow night.

And that's not risky?

Code name: Eskimo.

"Eskimo."

Confirm the meeting.

Right.

Now, wait a minute, Colonel.

We haven't had one of
those little surprise inspections

from Klink in a long time.

Yeah, he's about due.

Suppose old Blood and
Guts picks tomorrow night?

It's a thought.

Why don't we make sure
that Klink pays us a visit.

Colonel, do you feel all right?

Our beloved commandant
does his surprise act.

When it's over,
we're in the clear.

Can you do it, Colonel?

Well, we can try.

I'll need both of you.

Have Kinch tell
Schultz I want to see him

tomorrow morning, huh? Right.

Uh, Colonel...

if you don't mind, will
you postpone the w*r

till he finishes my sock?

Get it done, huh?

Carter's so temperamental.

O, tu prends ma geule... il y
a un grand trou ici, bien, ici.

Tu crois, ça prend
deux heures, ça.

Mais oui, tiens, les cartes...

One large Kraut
approaching, stand by.

All right, make it good.

It's the best escape plan

we've had in a long
time, mon colonel.

What?

He said it's the
best escape plan

we've had in a
long time, Colonel.

See, the work detail

takes those trash
barrels out of camp

every morning at 5:00.

I know, I know.

We sneak out of the barracks

before it gets light,

get into the barrels...

They carry you out
with the rest of the junk.

Well, boy, that's not a
very nice thing to say,

I mean, even for an officer.

What do you think?

I already told you what I...

Uh, uh, Colonel Hogan,

you wanted to see me, huh?

Oh, yeah, just a
minute, Schultz.

Look, I can't order
you not to try it,

but anything could go wrong.

Like what, sir?

Well, for one thing,

suppose you can't
sneak out of the barracks.

What would stop us?

Suppose they decide
to double the guards.

You know how erratic
these g*ons can be.

Nothing personal.

Or suppose they try
a special formation.

Who knows?

Klink might even try
a surprise inspection.

Gee, I never thought of that.

Hey, it's a frightening idea.

Colonel Hogan, I'm a busy man...

Just a minute, Schultz.

All I ask is you think
it over real good.

Now, just remember this is

the toughest P.O.W.
camp in all of Germany.

That commandant
in there is a k*ller.

Oui, mon colonel.

Yeah, okay, sir.

Now, what can I
do for you, Schultz?

Uh... Sergeant Kinch said

you wanted to see
me about something.

Oh, yeah.

Remember I promised
you something special

when the Red Cross
packages arrived?

No, I do not remember.

Uh-huh.

Oh...

Now it all comes back to me.

That's why you're a sergeant.

What a memory,
Schultz, what a memory.

And they have a plan to escape

by hiding in the trash barrels.

Trash barrels... child's play.

But I'm certainly glad

that I discovered
their little plan.

I thought I discovered it.

Forget it.

So Schultz, you say that Hogan

talked them out of
their escape plan, huh?

They got scared.

Colonel Hogan said that
this is the toughest camp

and that you are a k*ller.

"A k*ller," that
sounds more like it.

I knew it all the time,

but I never mentioned
it to anybody.

Tell me, Schultz,
why would Hogan

talk about an escape
in front of you?

I have no idea.

I know you don't...

but I do.

You see, the prisoners
plan an escape,

Hogan talks them out
of it in your presence,

knowing that you
will report it to me.

Now, I'm supposed to
think that the escape is off

when it's really on.

A double double-cross.

Like a swastika.

Yes, like a swastika.

But I will double-double-
double-cross them

by pulling a surprise
inspection anyway.

Delicious, Herr
Kommandant, if I may say so.

You may, Schultz.

You know, you've been
very alert and efficient

and I would like to express
my appreciation somehow.

Danke, Herr Kommandant.

May I finish the sausage?

You certainly may.

Danke.

But don't touch the marmalade!

Up, up, up, up, up!

Everybody raus,
raus, raus, raus!

You're going to be
counted... Everybody up!

Gentlemen!

Gentlemen, sorry to
disturb your beauty sleep.

This won't take very long.

Count them, Schultz.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Hey, hey, hey!

What's all the excitement?

Ahh, Colonel Hogan,

good evening.

Don't you Germans ever knock?

I wanted to keep it a surprise.

It's bad taste waking people up

in the middle of the w*r.

Just a minute, Hogan,

the count is not over yet.

All right, get on with it.

What's your rush?

You're not going anywhere.

As a matter of fact, I
have a date in town.

Oh, really... Who's
the lucky girl?

It's not a girl, it's an Eskimo.

Good old Yankee sense of humor.

Right, we're going to laugh

all the way to Berlin.

Silence!

All present, Herr Kommandant.

Very good, Sergeant.

And, uh, gentlemen,

you'd better keep it that way...

All present.

A word to the wise.

Pleasant dreams.

Hey, hey, Colonel,

what do we do if they come back?

The Krauts will want to see you.

Hang that on my door, huh?

Oh.

Danke.

Very cold tonight.

Yes, spring is
definitely late this year.

You picked me
out just like that?

We had a very good description

from one of our people.

It's a pleasure
meeting an Eskimo

in the middle of Germany.

Oh, I am Eskimo.

It's more of a
pleasure all the time.

I will get us the beer.

You two can talk.

Eskimo?

Isn't it customary to rub noses?

Franz picked the
code name for me.

I'll tell him what you said.

I don't want to
rub noses with him.

Husband?

Brother.

So far so good.

Please, we can't stay too long.

Hold it.

We have information
from a contact in Berlin.

The first truck convoy

will be coming
through next week,

and they will attempt to use

the new petrol
station at Stalag 13.

"Attempt" to use it?

If we let them establish
this new station,

it will cut the travel
time to France

and in case of an
invasion, it could be vital.

Our orders are to
destroy the pumps.

What can we do to help?

Do the job.

I take back the question.

We can't get near Stalag
13 without risk of capture,

but you live there.

Only because we couldn't
get a reservation at the Y.

You men know the ground,

you have expl*sives,
you have experience.

Will you do the job?

You want us to blow
up our happy home...

which isn't a bad idea.

And I've had several complaints

about drums of
gasoline being stored

in and around barracks 12.

Silence!

Unfortunately, that gasoline
will have to remain where it is.

I can do nothing about that.

Commandant!

Commandant, could you move
the men out of barracks 12?

We'll put them
in the other huts.

Request denied.

The men will stay
in barracks 12.

Their presence will guarantee

that no sabotage attempt
will be made by any of you.

If you set fire to the gasoline,

you will be setting fire
to your fellow prisoners.

You sure run a
friendly gas station.

I have warned you.

Dismissed!

Well, there goes the
ball game, Colonel.

Hey, if we could
get outside that wire,

we could blow up
that pumping station.

Nah, no good...

The fire'd travel back
along the feeder line

and blow up the whole barracks.

Yeah, we'd go up
like that... whoosh.

Yeah, you're right.

We're finished, Colonel.

We can still do the job.

Huh?

We'll need a scale
model of the pump,

the guard tower, the
road and the fence.

I could draw you a map, sir.

I said a model.

It's the only way we
can make sure it works.

What's the plan, Colonel?

There's an old saying,
which I just made up:

"If you can't blow up the gas
station, blow up the convoy."

The trucks approach the pump.

The first one pulls
up for loading,

you three'll be in the bushes

carrying delayed-action
charges, waiting.

And scared stiff.

Now, the Krauts will fill it,

two of you will cross this
area here, get under the truck,

attach the dynamite,
go back, take the cover

and wait for the next truck.

And for the g*ons to find us.

You'll have a little protection.

Newkirk is stealing a
German uniform right now.

He'll be out there.

And that's what I call
"a little" protection.

I don't think Newkirk
would like that.

Now, only two of you
will go out at a time.

The third will stay back
here with the charges.

That way you'll have more
insurance in case of trouble.

Uh, Colonel, I've been
studying your little plan.

I await your verdict

with breathless anticipation.

Yeah... no kidding?

Now, you'll notice

there's one teensy little
problem, and it's not so teensy.

You see the pump is in
line here with the tower.

That means the light
from the tower will be on it.

And on us.

Crawling around in
the middle of the night

loaded with dynamite.

Uh-uh, wrong.

My good man, you put your finger

on the very heart of this plan.

Oh, yeah?

I do that sometimes.

I remember one time back home

there was this trouble
with my dad's car...

Carter.

You'll notice the angle
of the tower with the pump

as the trucks approach it.

There's plenty of light here.

Where you guys'll be working

will be in the dark.

The truck's body will
block the searchlight beam.

Right.

That's a fantastic setup.

Great...

Well, how do I look?

Good enough to sh**t.

Any questions?

Yeah, any idea how
many trucks in the convoy?

Well, the enemy
doesn't tell me everything.

We don't have enough
dynamite or detonators.

All right, Kinch, contact
the underground.

Relay message for Eskimo,
ask for whatever we need.

Have him deliver the
stuff to the Hofbrau.

One of us will pick
it up tomorrow night.

Right, Colonel.

You can't go again, Colonel.

That'd be asking for trouble.

Good point, Newkirk,

and thank you for
being concerned.

You can go.

I wasn't all that
bloody concerned.

Abend, fräulein.

Abend.

One beer, small, please.

Oh, it's not easy
getting on these things.

They say that's the
first sign of age...

When the bar
stool's getting taller.

Ah, there we are.

My, but you're a
pretty young thing.

Danke.

And for you, gnädige frau?

Oh, just a little
something to warm me up.

Schnapps? Kimmel?

I'll let you decide, dear.

It's very cold tonight.

Ah, ja.

Spring is definitely
late this year.

Oh, for me?

Danke, handsome.

I very seldom touch
alcoholic beverages.

Donnerwetter!

That stuff could unravel

your elastic stockings.

Well, you've all
been so gemütlich,

I'd love to stay and get loaded,

but you know how it is.

Auf Wiedersehen.

Auf Wiedersehen.

Let's all do this
again sometime.

Oh, dear...

They just passed
through Flenzheim...

estimated speed,
25 miles per hour.

There are 22 trucks,
one command car.

Flenzheim,
Flenzheim, here it is.

Should be here
in about two hours.

Yes, yes.

Thank you, Captain Streicker.

Everything will
be ready for you.

Heil h*tler.

That was the convoy
commander, Captain Streicker.

They're in Flenzheim

and they should be
here in two hours.

Flenzheim, Herr Kommandant.

Flenzheim, Flenzheim,
Flenzheim, Flenzheim, Flenzheim...

Ow!

All right, they'll
beef up the guard,

possibly an hour before
the convoy gets here.

Newkirk'll join them

and walk a post
right here. Good.

Now, the three of you

will come out of the
emergency tunnel here;

you'll take cover.

Wait for the word from Newkirk,

then you'll cross the road here

into the bushes
opposite the gas pump.

Any questions?

Yes, sir.

Why can't the Krauts buy
gas at a regular station?

And make sure
the guard is doubled

before the convoy arrives.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Berlin will be
watching this operation.

It's absolutely vital

that everything go
according to plan.

You can depend on me, sir.

I will be alert and intelligent.

Schultz, when I want
a miracle, I'll ask for it.

Watch it.

Report!

Alles in Ordnung,
Herr Kommandant.

Excellent.

Who ordered you to patrol here?

One of the officers, sir.

Captain Streicker, the
convoy commander?

Uh, ja, ja, Captain
Streicker, sir.

Very good officer, he
thinks of everything.

Carry on.

Everything in order?

Uh, jawohl, Captain.

Good, good.

I overlooked this area.

Colonel Klink
posted me here, sir.

Oh, good.

Ja, an extra precaution.

No wonder he's a colonel

and I'm only a captain.

I hadn't thought of it.

Ja, ja, good.

I thought they'd never leave.

Let's go.

Home Plate to Papa Bear.

Home Plate to Papa Bear.

Do you read me? Over.

Papa Bear to Home Plate.

Papa Bear to Home Plate.

Read you loud and clear.

Packages in sight.

Repeat, packages in sight.

Stand by.

Roger.

Packages are in sight.

Papa Bear to Home Plate.

Jackpot... all packages untied.

Nice work. Over.

Jackpot.

Hey, we did it!

Hey, call back the colonel.

Let's congratulate
him on his great plan.

Right... Home
Plate to Papa Bear.

Home Plate to Papa Bear.

Home Plate to Papa Bear.

Come in, please. Over.

Home Plate to Papa Bear.

Do you read me? Over.

Home Plate to Papa Bear.

Home Plate to Papa Bear.

Come in, please. Over.

Sorry, Papa Bear is busy
and can't be disturbed.

Over and out.

The entire convoy blown up
less than ten miles from here.

That's terrible.

My part of the
operation was perfect...

I'm in the clear.

Any idea how it happened, sir?

Obviously sabotage.

The Gestapo's investigating it.

Well, better luck
with your next convoy.

There won't be another convoy.

My orders from Berlin
are to dismantle the pump

and get rid of the gasoline.

Now, that should
make you happy, Hogan.

I must admit, sir,

you, uh, ran the whole
thing very efficiently.

Thank you.

Yeah, it would have
been no time at all

before the Luftwaffe
would have had you

managing gas stations
all over Germany.

I am not a gas station operator.

Now get out of here.

Dismissed!

Okay...

Oh, by the way,

the escape committee
wanted me to ask you,

could you get us a
deal on 6x16 whitewalls?