05x05 - Unfair Exchange

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The Fourth Panzer Division,

the Tenth Grenadier Brigade

on reserve at position Bismarck.

"C" coordinate, section 14.

No, no, that's no good.

London can't use
German map coordinates.

Don't edit.

Just give it to us
as you memorized it.

Relax, Maria, you're doing fine.

I am nervous.

Well, don't be.

Carter's outside protecting us.

Thanks for reminding me.

Now I'm nervous.

Well, let's try again.

Maximum air support to
be committed zero plus one.

The First Panzer Corps
will assume primary defense

and counterattack
responsibility.

The following infantry units...

Colonel!

Krauts on the road... Gestapo.

Where are they headed?

East. Slow.

They stopped and turned around.

They may have seen the light.

All right, the party's over.

We better get out of here.

Let's try a four-minute
mile back to camp.

I'll stay.

I may be able to stall them.

Are you out of your mind?

Stall the Gestapo?

Lady, you got guts.

If you are caught,

it will ruin your
operation at Stalag 13.

Wouldn't do us any
good personally, either.

Yeah, those f*ring
squads can sting.

No dice.

Come on.

Look, I'll say I was
on my way home

and stopped here to rest.

They'll believe me.

All right.

Good luck.

Let's move.

Underground confirms
that the Gestapo

is holding her in
jail in Hammelburg.

They'll probably question
her a couple of days

and then have her
sh*t trying to escape.

Without ever leaving her cell.

She wouldn't even come with us.

She insisted on staying back

and trying to stall the Gestapo.

Boy, what nerve.

We're going to
try and spring her.

But Colonel, that's
Gestapo that's got her.

Right, they sh**t
people for double parking.

She's had it.

Do you realize what she's
carrying around in her head?

Order of battle, German
forces in France, that's all.

Yeah, and we'd
only gotten half of it

before they crashed in on us.

And London wants the rest.

More important, she blew
her chances to get away

so we could make it.

Now it's her turn.

Hey, Colonel, why don't we try

a drop of the old flimflam?

You're the man for that.

Thank you.

You know, we show up at the jail

in Gestapo uniform.

"Guten Tag.

"I am Officer Heindorf.

"Heil h*tler.

"I have here the
orders and transfer

"of Maria Hoffman, the
prisoner, to Berlin at once.

Schnell!"

No, it's too risky.

If the local Gestapo

hasn't sent her
file to Berlin yet,

no reason to move her.

Let's think about it awhile.

Colonel, Burkhalter
just drove into camp

with his sister.

Gnädige Frau Linkmeyer?

Right, in person.

The bride of
Frankenstein strikes again.

Boy, she was just
here two weeks ago.

We sure don't need
General Burkhalter

around here right now.

You're so right.

Klink will start showing off,

tighten up security.

Bloody stupid,
that's what it is.

Maria's in jail

and there's that old
slag Gertrude Linkmeyer

walking around free.

Hey, Colonel,
I've got a thought.

If we were to fake a call

to the Gestapo, say
we're from Berlin,

and then if I had some nitro

and a few caps... now,
I don't need much...

Hold it, hold it.

Newkirk, you just said
something rather interesting.

Accidents will happen.

I do it all the time.

What did I say?

You compared Gertrude
Linkmeyer and Maria.

Question:

If Gertrude were missing,

what would the general
do to get her back?

Very little, if he's smart.

I mean, would he
exchange Maria for her?

What?!

Exchange her?!

Colonel, you don't mean

kidnap a general's sister?

He does mean it.

We wouldn't keep her very long.

If the exchange works,
naturally we'd return her

and if it doesn't,
let her go anyway.

Where could we hide her?

Here.

In the tunnel?

Mm-hmm, she wouldn't mind.

Besides, she looks
better in the dark.

What makes you believe

that there is something going on

between Frau
Linkmeyer and myself?

She talks about
you a great deal.

Mm-hmm, that's very flattering.

It's also very dull.

Every time I inspect Stalag 13,

she asks to come along.

And that leads you to believe

that there is something going on

between her and myself?

Now you are asking my question.

General Burkhalter,
I can assure you

there's absolutely
nothing going on

between Frau
Linkmeyer and myself.

Why not?

It's her husband.

Her husband.

He has been missing
in action for two years.

And he's a lucky man.

I mean, he's very lucky

to have served Germany
and the Führer so well.

He can be declared
legally dead at any time.

Then Gertrude will be
a widow, free to marry.

That sounds logical.

She needs marriage, Klink.

So do you.

I can tell by just
looking at you.

I've not been too well lately.

I suggest you give
it a serious thought.

There are worse things
than being married

to the sister of
General Burkhalter.

Name one.

Why does he hate me so?

He doesn't hate you.

Then why does he want
me to marry his sister?

Maybe he does hate you.

Hogan, you're a worldly man.

You seem to know
a lot about women.

What shall I do?

Marry Gertrude.

What do you know about women?

You need marriage, Commandant.

Hogan, you hate me, too.

Right now I can come
and go as I please.

If a pretty girl smiles at me,

I can smile back.

I can stay out as
late as I please.

I can play cards with the boys.

I can drink.

I can go to parties.

I'm as free as a bird.

Do you call that
living, Commandant?

Yes.

Gertrude is just the
kind of woman you need.

She's clever, forceful,
efficient, thrifty.

What about her looks?

Beauty is in the
eyes of the beholder.

What's there to behold?

She looks like her brother.

You'll get used to it.

You know, it's just possible

that marriage is
his idea, not hers.

Well, why don't you ask her?

No, that might give her ideas.

But you could find
out for me, Hogan.

Little old me?

Yes, you could go to the
VIP quarters looking for me,

and if I wasn't
there but she was,

you could talk to her.

Would you, Hogan?

Well...

Please.

All right, Commandant,
anything for you.

Thank you.

Enemies to the end.

Colonel Klink talks
about you all the time.

Really?

I thought the bald eagle

never talked about
anybody but himself.

Well, in your case he
makes an exception.

He thinks you're
clever, forceful,

efficient, thrifty.

He has to say those things.

I am not a beautiful woman.

Beauty is in the
eyes of the beholder.

Ja, ja, that's what I
keep telling everyone.

I hope I'm not violating a
confidence, Frau Linkmeyer,

but, um, I really
think Colonel Klink

is crazy about you.

Why doesn't he tell me himself?

Is he too shy to mention it?

Not exactly shy.

I'd call it yellow.

It comes to the same thing.

What is he afraid of?

Your brother is a general.

Albert?

Generals are harmless...

Except, of course, to the men

who do the fighting.

Yeah, you've got
something there.

Well, I'd better get
back to the barracks.

I really came over to
see the commandant,

but I'm glad we
had this little talk,

Frau Linkmeyer.

So am I.

Hello.

Yeah, this is Frau Linkmeyer.

Uh, Frau Linkmeyer, I am
a friend of Colonel Klink's

and he asked me to give
you a very important message.

Why doesn't he call me himself?

The colonel would
like to see you

at the Hauserhof in
Hammelburg tomorrow night.

Oh, he would, would he?

Yes, and, uh, please
do not tell anyone.

Tell the colonel I will
meet him as he asks.

Jawohl, Frau Linkmeyer.

The commandant wants
me to meet him alone.

Love will find a way.

Ja.

Klink is not my idea
of husband material,

but in wartime you have
to substitute for everything.

Well, actually Old
Blood and Guts

is a very lovable type.

Colonel, you should really
speak to the Red Cross

about a prisoner exchange.

Hmm?

You have been here too long.

She just made the turn, Colonel.

Headed this way.

Right.

Let's go.

Abend, gnädige Frau.

Abend. What's the trouble?

No trouble, just
a routine check.

Your papers, please.

I do not carry papers.

I am Frau Linkmeyer,
General Burkhalter's sister.

The sister of
General Burkhalter.

Heil h*tler.

Heil h*tler.

It's indeed a great honor

to meet the sister of
General Burkhalter.

Ja, Mueller?

Ja, Schmidt, a great honor.

Danke.

Your papers, please.

Dummkopf, I told you
I do not carry papers.

In that case, would you
please step out of the car

for one moment?

What do you mean,
step out of the car?

We must look around.

Search the car, Mueller.

Search the car?!

Do you understand who I am?

What are you doing in there?!

Please step away from the car!

I'm General Burkhalter's sister.

The situation,
then, is as follows:

Frau Linkmeyer did not
sleep in her bed last night.

Correct.

Correct.

Correct.

She requisitioned a
vehicle from the motor pool

at approximately 9:00.

The car was found abandoned
outside the camp this morning.

Correct.

Correct. Correct.

Would you mind if only
one person agreed with me?

Of course. I'd be happy to.

It is my sister.

Yes, and I think the
general should speak for us.

And I agree.

Quiet.

Now, what conclusions
can we draw

from the facts I have
reviewed for you?

Frau Linkmeyer is missing.

Thank you, Sergeant.

Your intelligence reflects
your commanding officer.

What does that mean?

Stupid, it's a compliment.

Thank you, Major.

Hochstetter, I
called in the Gestapo

because obviously we cannot cope

with that sort of thing,

but so far you have
done nothing but talk.

Where is my sister?!

Yes, where is my sister?!

I mean, where's his sister?

Yes, where is she?

Quiet.

I assure you,
General Burkhalter,

the Gestapo will find her

if we have to turn
Germany upside down

and shake it.

Seems like an
awful lot of trouble.

And hardly worth it.

Quiet, Schultz.

Mmm... this is good.

Danke.

I will give you money
when I am free.

Danke.

Now, where am I?

Where is this place?

You are in a hotel
in Düsseldorf.

Hotel?

But it is so damp in here.

I feel like I'm in a cellar.

Well, it's one of
the cheaper rooms.

Is good, huh?

Ja.

Who is that?

Someone just came into the room.

That is the chambermaid.

Guten Tag, Gretchen.

Don't bother to
clean the room now.

Wiedersehen.

She didn't answer you.

Her husband doesn't
let her talk to strangers.

There.

Oop, excuse me, bitte.

The telephone.

Hello.

Ja, this is Heinrich.

What?

Well, I can't help it

if room service is getting busy.

No, I'm still feeding
the lady in room 412.

Ja, ja, as soon as possible.

Wiedersehen.

That room service,
they're crazy.

They think I'm twins.

So, I am in room 412, eh?

Oh! It slipped out.

Don't tell the
boss, he'll k*ll me.

But what hotel is this?

Liebchen, Liebchen,

I can't tell you everything.

Mmm.

Is good, ja?

Klink, do you know any reason

why Frau Linkmeyer would
want to destroy herself?

We're just casual friends.

How would I know?

Klink and my sister
were practically engaged.

Oh, that would be

reasonable
motivation for su1c1de.

Hello, Commandant
Klink's office.

Heil h*tler.

Uh, Commandant
Klink is in a conference

and cannot be disturbed.

What?

Oh, you have information
about Frau Linkmeyer?

Oh, Commandant Klink
cannot talk with you.

Please call back.

Give me that.

Hello, Commandant
Klink speaking.

Who is this?

It's a male voice;

he will not identify himself.

Frau Linkmeyer is safe.

She will be free
on one condition.

You are holding a
girl, Maria Hoffman.

24 hours after you release her,

Frau Linkmeyer will
be returned to you.

We will call you again
with further instructions.

General Burkhalter,
I'm sorry to say

your sister has been kidnapped.

What do they want, Klink?

They say we are holding a girl.

I'm not holding a girl.

Neither am I.

I wish I were.

Quiet!

Her name is Maria Hoffman.

The Gestapo has her,

and they want to
make an exchange.

Ridiculous.

We are holding Maria
Hoffman on suspicion of treason.

Release her at once.

I said treason, General.

I am curious...

Why would they
ask to talk to Klink?

It doesn't matter; we
will do as they ask.

Major, make the arrangements.

General, this is
a Gestapo matter.

I am not interested,
Hochstetter.

For better or worse, I
have only one sister.

Thank heaven for that.

I mean, suppose
you had two sisters

and they were both missing.

Two like Frau Linkmeyer?

Impossible.

Maria Hoffman is a
suspected enemy of the state.

We must hold her.

I am sorry, General.

Major.

Unless you do as I ask,

I will be forced to
pick up that phone

and call my friend Himmler.

He Will order you to
release Maria Hoffman.

I do not respond favorably
to this kind of force,

even from a general.

However, I uh...

I pride myself on
having an open mind.

Major Hochstetter...

Now, there's a real open mind.

At least the
animals went for it.

Right, we're moving.

Kinch, contact the underground.

I want to know as soon
as Maria is released.

Okay, but that
could be big trouble.

The Krauts will monitor
all radio for miles around.

Limit transmission
for 30 seconds.

Right.

LeBeau, tell Newkirk I
want to see him right away.

I want to get started
on that letter to Schultz.

Oui, Colonel, at once.

What letter?

The blimp doesn't know it yet,

but he's about to
have a big romance.

"I'm sure you won't remember me.

"My name is Wilma Braun.

"We met on visitors' day at
Stalag 13 a few weeks ago.

I believe it was during the
Martin Bormann festival."

It's a nice touch.

Yeah, I like it.

"I have not been able

"to get you out of my mind.

"I'm staying at Webber's Farm,

"where I spend my days painting
in the barn and thinking of you.

"I would love to see you again.

Could you come
and visit me soon?"

I signed it, "Yours,
Lonely Wilma."

Beautiful, beautiful.

From now on, Newkirk,
I want you to write

all my love letters, too.

Well, thank you, sir.

I do have a bit of
talent in that direction

if I do say so myself.

And I knew you would.

Good news, Colonel: Maria's out.

The Gestapo released
her 20 minutes ago.

Boy, I'd have never
thought it was possible.

Hochstetter's iron
swastika sure crumbled fast.

Colonel, you're a bloody genius.

Not until we get rid of
the lovely Frau Linkmeyer.

Newkirk, see that Schultz

gets that letter
right away, hmm?

It's done, sir.

Letter from a girl?

She's beautiful.

I remember.

She's not too tall
and not too small.

She's brunette
and slightly blonde.

She's not fat and
she's not skinny.

Yeah, I'd know her
anywhere, Schultz.

What's the problem?

Should I answer the
letter or go and see her?

Don't waste time with a letter.

Get yourself some flowers,

maybe a little wine,
and just show up.

You know what to do once
you get there, don't you?

Boy, do I!

I go there in a few days.

Wait, hold it, hold it.

She says, "Could you
come and visit me soon?"

"Soon" with a woman
means right away.

Uh, it does?

Yeah, I think you'd
better move fast,

go out tonight.

You off duty?

Yeah, I'll get off.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Oh, I feel so romantic.

Tally ho.

Frau Linkmeyer, tonight,

Webber's Farm, 2200 hours.

Any attempt to trap us will
mean disaster for Frau Linkmeyer.

End of message.

Hello?

They hung up.

Webber's Farm,
tonight, 2200 hours.

Excellent... I will
arrest the criminals,

whoever they are.

They warned me,
if we set a trap,

it will mean a disaster
to Frau Linkmeyer.

I would not worry

about what happens
to the gnädige Frau.

That's true... How
could a disaster

happen to a disaster?

Men will be stationed
here, here and there.

All the routes in the area
are being patrolled right now.

Excellent work.

I couldn't have
done better myself.

Nothing must happen to Gertrude.

General, you have my word on it:

Frau Linkmeyer's
safety comes first.

His word, Herr General.

You couldn't do
better than that.

Yes, I could, but
I have no choice.

Anybody home?

Anybody here?

It's me, Sergeant Schultzy.

Oh, oh, excuse me.

I got a letter from...

Frau Linkmeyer, I thought
you were kidnapped.

Frau Linkmeyer,
you are kidnapped!

Oh, Frau Linkmeyer,
you are kidnapped.

Frau Linkmeyer.

They kept me in some
terrible hotel in Düsseldorf.

How did you know
I was here, Schultz?

I came to see a
lady... Wilma Braun.

They could have k*lled me.

Oh, how terrible.

And I spent so much money
on flowers and on wine.

Achtung!

This is the Gestapo!

This building is surrounded!

Give yourselves up.

You have no chance to get away!

You have no chance to get away.

Give yourselves up.

Colonel Klink, do you mind?!

I have the situation
well in hand.

I was only trying to help.

Stop that nonsense, both of you.

Order them to send
Gertrude out first.

Ja, Herr General.

Yes, Herr General.

I order you to send out
Frau Linkmeyer alone!

Oh... oh, I will do as he says.

I will go out first and
then you follow, Schultz.

N-N-N-No, no, no!

They will think that
I kidnapped you.

Ah, don't be silly.

I will explain.

Oh, boy, that's real trouble.

Aim high, but give them plenty.

They will know we mean business.

Fire!

Now send out Frau Linkmeyer!

Albert!

Gertrude.

Resume f*ring.

Stop!

Schultz is in there!

Cease fire!

That cost Schultz
a bottle of wine.

Yeah, it didn't do those
bloody flowers any good either.

Well, at least Burkhalter gets

his sister back safe and sound.

Yeah, even a general
can't win them all.

I only know one thing.

I was kept in some
terrible hotel in Düsseldorf.

Room 412.

Danke, gnädige Frau,

that will be most helpful.

Clever to get the room
number, Frau Linkmeyer.

They were careless
and mentioned it.

Yeah, it happens to even
the best of kidnappers.

The investigation is
in your hands, Major.

Ja, Herr General.

And I will want to know more

about Colonel
Klink's involvement

in this whole affair.

So do I.

Schultz!

All I did was talk
on the telephone.

I am completely
convinced that Colonel Klink

had nothing to do with it.

So am I.

Gertrude.

Frau Linkmeyer, I have
a few more questions

I will want to ask you.

I will cooperate all I can.

And a few more
questions for Colonel Klink.

You always know
where to find me.

So do I, Wilhelm, so do I.

Don't we, Albert?

Of course, Gertrude.

Now, how dare he suggest

that I had anything to
do with the kidnapping?

See the way she rose
to your defense, sir?

She's crazy about you.

Hogan, I-I...

Colonel, what is this
fascination you have for women?

You've noticed it too, huh?

Mm-hmm.

I suppose it's terribly obvious.

That's the word
for it... terribly.

Ja, ja.