05x06 - The Kommandant Dies at Dawn

[bunniefuu]

It's going to snow again.

The weather is
getting a little nippy.

Yes, good thing
the mail arrived.

Why? Are you expecting
any warm clothing?

No, I use the letters

to cover the holes
in my underwear.

I could use a
few letters myself.

Yeah, in your case, Schultz,

you'd need the New York
Times, Sunday edition.

Gentlemen.

Gentlemen, what
is your pleasure?

Okay, fellows, time
for an eggplant break.

Nein, nein, nein,
nein, nein, nein.

Verboten.

It's against regulation.

But Schultz, if
you don't let him in,

we can't buy his vegetables.

And if we don't
buy his vegetables,

he doesn't buy from the farmers.

The farmer has no one to
sell to, he stops planting crops.

Without crops, there's no food.

And without food,
the army starves.

You see, Schultz,

if you don't let him
in the front gate,

you're going to
blow World w*r II.

All right.

Ah, that's it.

You're a good old boy.

Hey, you're a good one.

Here we go.

Come on.

Come on in, then.

We'll help you.

It's cucumbers, tomatoes...

I'll have a tomato.

I'll take two tomatoes.

Yes, certainly, yes.

Um...

Cucumbers, tomatoes...

Oh, I'll have this cucumber.

Carter, that's a little small.

Here, take the big one.

I'll take the little one.

Oh no, it's fine, sir.

Carter, I think I'd better
have that cucumber.

Oh, no, sir, you
take the big one.

But Carter...

This is fine...

What kind of crazy cucumb...

I told you I should
have this one.

Some celery...

Production figures
for the Luftwaffe.

Some cucumber.

Get this to the
underground after roll call.

Right, Colonel.

Schultz!

Schultz!

What is going on here?

Herr Kommandant,

we are saving the German
army from starvation.

What?

You see, Herr Kommandant,

if the prisoners do
not buy from this man,

this man is not going
to buy from the farmers,

the farmers are not
going to do any planting,

and if the farmers
do not do any...

Schultz!

Throw that peddler out.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Ich geh schon, ich geh schon.

Geh schon.

No one goes in
and out of here today

without my permission.

Sounds like we're
going to have company.

Is it Two-Ton Herman
or the little sign painter?

Hogan, it is not the
Führer or Marshal Göring.

Don't tell me it's Himmler
with the laughing face.

We are honored tomorrow

by the presence of
Field Marshal Kesselring.

He's coming through here
on his way to Berchtesgaden.

Ah, Major Feldkamp,
very good to see you.

Klink, what are
these prisoners doing

here at the gate?

Oh, they're here
on a work detail.

You see, it's the maid's day off

and we thought with the
field marshal coming...

Are there any
other state secrets

that you think the
prisoners should have?

Major Feldkamp, I assure you...

Why don't you
give them the plans

of the Normandy
fortification, hmm?

Thanks, anyway, Major,
but we already have those.

Hogan!

Confine these
prisoners to barracks

and double the guards.

Confine these
prisoners to barracks

and double the guards.

I confine you to the barracks

and I double the guards.

Raus!

How do I get this to
the underground now?

I suggest you consult
with the chaplain.

I got an idea.

We sneak into Klink's quarters.

Now, we got the figures

on the Luftwaffe's production.

We slip it into his bathing suit

and we very carefully

sort of cut the drawstring.

Then when he goes for a swim

and he dives in the water,

the drawstring breaks,
his trunks float away,

and we've got another underground
agent waiting downstream.

You have gone crackers.

Well, I just wanted to see

if anybody was paying attention.

I'm almost desperate enough

to go with the plan.

I say we slip the message

into one of the dog's collars,

round up some fleas,
put them on the dog.

They'll send him
to a veterinarian,

and we have an agent
waiting at the doctor's office.

I think I liked the
bathing suit plan better.

Come back later,
Schultz, we're busy.

Just a moment, Colonel Hogan.

I'm inviting your men
to a cocktail party.

Is that the bash for
Field Marshal Kesselring?

That's correct.

What time you sending the
car around for us, Schultzy?

Boy, I hope it's not formal,

because this is the
only outfit I have.

Don't worry about your outfit.

You are all going to
wear white jackets.

What, the old
busboy routine again?

Well, you can
tell Klink I'm out.

And I'm not going to
be a waiter again either.

And you can get yourself
another bartender.

Oh, come on,
you're going to spoil

Kommandant
Klink's whole evening.

He planned a cocktail
party for Marshal Kesselring

in his quarters, and
then a dinner party

in town at the Hauserhof.

If we don't get to go

to the dinner,
Schultz, forget it.

Oh, Colonel Hogan,
please talk to the men.

Now, wait a minute, fellows.

You shouldn't let
Colonel Klink down.

After all, he's done a
lot of nice things for us.

Yeah, you're right.

I haven't thanked
him yet for my scurvy.

How about you, LeBeau?

Are you going to make
those little hors d'oeuvres, eh?

For the party?

Of course.

Oh, good.

And Klink will serve
me breakfast in bed

on Bastille Day.

LeBeau!

Turnabout's fair play.

Please, Colonel
Hogan, tell them.

All right, Schultz,
but in private.

I hear nothing!

Adolf h*tler wears
clip-on bow ties.

What did you say, Kinch?

Just testing, Schultz.

This may be a way

to get that paper
to the underground.

But we're not going
to the Hauserhof.

I know, but Klink is.

We could use him as the courier.

But Major Feldkamp,
I don't understand you.

Why invite Colonel
Hogan to a cocktail party?

I thought you were afraid
of giving him secrets.

I thought it would
be nice for a change

if we got some secrets from him.

But we've never
been able to before.

A change of atmosphere,
a few glasses of schnapps

might loosen his tongue.

Very clever... It's
always loosened mine.

Ja.

We have all that in
your bulging dossier.

Well, that's not
what I meant, I...

Just see that Colonel
Hogan is there.

I've sent Sergeant Schultz
with a personal invitation.

Any idea how we can
plant the paper on Klink?

In his belt.

That may be difficult.

Not if we switch belts.

Carter, you think you
can duplicate Klink's belt?

Oh, I don't have any leather.

I used the last piece I had

to make a carrying case
for my Dear John letters.

No problem, for Newkirk.

Hey, uh, Schultz,
got good news for you.

Huh?

I've got good news for you.

Oh, they're going
to serve at the party?

That's right.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

LeBEAU: What time
shall we be there?

What?

What time shall we be there?

At 6:00.

Yeah, well, tell Klink to
start icing the champagne.

Oh, that's wonderful, wonderful.

Thank you from the bottom
of Marshal Kesselring's heart.

So long, Schultz.

Ta-dah!

No problem, Colonel.

Great.

Hey, hey!

Excuse me, did...

did anybody see my belt?

No, I was surprised when
you came in without it, Schultz.

But don't worry, we won't tell
Klink you were out of uniform.

Thank you, Colonel Hogan.

Funny, I could have sworn I
was wearing it when I came in.

Must have lost it, Schultz.

Hey, just be grateful

it wasn't holding
up your trousers.

Ta-dah!

Oh, beautiful.

Thank you, Herr Kommandant.

Uh, uh, uh, Schultz.

This is for the brass.

Schultz.

Herr Kommandant,
I came to tell you

that all security measures

for Marshal Kesselring
have been taken.

What he really came for

is to swipe a few of
the hors d'oeuvres.

That's not true.

I had a lovely dinner
at the mess hall.

Schultz, please, help
yourself to the hors d'oeuvres.

Herr Kommandant...

Quiet, Cockroach.

You mean it, Herr Kommandant?

Why, of course.

Class distinction between
officers and unlisted men

is old-fashioned.

We're all in this together,
comrades-in-arms,

fighting for the fatherland.

How's it going?

Do you feel anything
cutting your gums, huh?

Any nausea?

Dizziness?

Double vision?

How many fingers do I have?

You're using him
as a food taster.

I'm shocked!

T-T-That's all right.

Let him do it.

I'll show you, Herr Kommandant,

there's nothing to worry about.

Have some stuffed eggs, Colonel.

Oh, thank you.

You see, Herr Kommandant,

there's no poison in
the hors d'oeuvres.

And no hors d'oeuvres
in the hors d'oeuvres.

Well, I have another
tray in the kitchen

if you want to take a chance.

Then go out and
get one, Cockroach.

Herr Kommandant, I go, too,

to see there is no
funny business going on.

Um, am I the first, sir?

I don't want you to
cause any trouble

while Field Marshal
Kesselring is here.

It'll mean the cooler.

Me, cause trouble?

And none of your jokes, Hogan.

The Field Marshal
has no sense of humor.

I wouldn't say that.

He's got some pretty funny
planes in the Luftwaffe.

What are you saying, Hogan?

Well, take the
Messerschmitt 110...

Has no maneuverability
with a b*mb load,

and that's just for openers.

Yeah, it's only
good as a fighter.

I don't want you to
mention one word of this

in front of the field marshal.

Why should I straighten him out?

And the ME-109...
It has no air brakes.

It's no good as an escort.

No?!

They're no match for our planes,

that's for sure.

Kesselring selected
those planes personally.

And you said he didn't
have a sense of humor?

Hogan, I order you

not to mention one word of this

while the field marshal is here.

Relax, Colonel, it's our secret.

Achtung.

Ah, welcome, Field
Marshal Messerschmitt.

Kesselring.

Kesselring.

Nice to see you
again, Colonel Klink.

Thank you, sir.

May I present Colonel Hogan.

Colonel.

Fräulein Ziegler,

Colonel Klink, Colonel Hogan.

Sir, would you care for
some hors d'oeuvres?

Thank you.

We switched the belt
on old Klink's coat.

Good.

Mmm.

Ah, Colonel Hogan.

The Field Marshal
and I were having

a friendly little
argument today.

Tell me, why are your
American airplanes

so inferior to those
of the Luftwaffe?

Well, I think it's the speed.

Our new planes can't go
over 500 miles an hour.

You have a plane that
goes 500 miles an hour?

Did I say 500?

I meant 300.

You Gestapo have
a way of tricking us.

Well, this is just a
friendly little conversation.

Tell me, have you ever flown
a radar-equipped airplane?

I understand they are
very hard to maneuver.

Um, have you known
the field marshal long?

A year.

I always seem to be
attracted to m*llitary men.

How nice.

Especially a m*llitary
genius like the field marshal.

Uh, did you know
that the Luftwaffe

considers us both
m*llitary geniuses?

Oh?

I think my stock went up

when Kessie picked the
Messerschmitt 110 and 109.

You feel that was a mistake?

It is a known fact that the 110

has no maneuverability
with a b*mb load.

I thought that was
a m*llitary secret.

You're right, you are an expert.

No, it's, uh, genius.

This is fascinating.

Tell me more.

Well, you see the
109 has no air brakes

and it's very difficult to
use as a bomber escort.

And you know all these
things about all our planes?

Of course, my dear.

Will you excuse me for a moment?

I'll be right back.

I want to hear more
from my genius.

Anything you wish to know,

just ask me.

Will you excuse us
for a moment, Colonel?

Of course.

How are you doing
with Fräulein Ziegler?

She thinks I'm
a m*llitary genius.

Really?

Oh, she's fascinated by me.

I hope that the field
marshal is not jealous.

Well, maybe he'll retire early

and you can make your move.

I don't need you, Hogan, to
tell me when to make my move.

Colonel Klink.

Ah!

Your coat.

Major Feldkamp, how
very, very nice of you.

And now we're off
to the Hauserhof.

No, we are off to
the guardhouse.

You have revealed
m*llitary secrets.

You are under
arrest for treason.

Just a minute, Major.

Colonel Klink didn't discuss

any m*llitary secrets with me.

Ah, no, but he did
with Fräulein Ziegler,

who is one of our
top Gestapo agents.

After you, Colonel.

You know, Klink has a
good chance of being sh*t.

Yeah, and we planted
that paper on him.

Maybe we can get him to
leave that belt to us in his will.

You have a visitor,
Herr Kommandant.

Dismissed, Hogan.

Don't be too hasty, sir.

Hogan, I don't
need your sympathy.

Please go away.

All right, but I
just brought you

a little something to eat.

Something to eat?

Open up, Schultz, open up.

Leftover hors d'oeuvres, sir.

A shame you had to
leave the party so early...

It really started to
swing after you left.

Mmm... you have any more?

Oh, yeah.

A little desert.

Mmm, thank you.

Here, uh, let me
loosen that belt.

You seem a little
stuffed from all that food.

What food?

It's the first thing
I've had all day.

Yeah, well, then let
me take your coat.

It's a little warm in here.

Warm in here?

It must be freezing.

Well, it's not the
temperature, it's the humidity.

Hogan, please leave me alone.

You've caused enough problems.

Well, you're the one
that sh*t off his mouth...

Had to try to be a big
man to that little blonde.

You're cruel, Hogan.

Well, it's the truth.

All a dame has to
do is say hello to you,

and you're ready to give her
a road map to h*tler's bunker.

So I like women... k*ll me.

I wouldn't say that
too loud in here.

Hogan, the saddest
day of my life

was the day you got captured.

Are you kidding?

Before I arrived, you
had so many escapes

they were going to put a
revolving door at the front gate.

You told me about
the Messerschmitt 110!

Who asked you?

Thought you'd like to know

what's going on
in the Luftwaffe.

I am the commandant
of a prisoner-of-w*r camp,

not a m*llitary expert.

That's "genius."

Mein Herr Ex-Kommandant.

What is it, Schultz?

I've good news and bad news.

Give him the good
news first, Schultz.

They ordered you to be
sh*t first thing in the morning.

That's good news?

What's the bad news?

They're not giving
you a blindfold.

That's hard to believe,
even for the Gestapo.

They're asking for
volunteers for the f*ring squad.

Hah! They'll never get eight
volunteers from my men.

I beg to report, Herr
Kommandant, they did.

How many volunteered?

Seventy-six.

How many men do you have?

Eighty-two.

At least six of
my men are loyal.

No, Herr Kommandant.

Two are in the hospital
and four are on furlough.

Well, that makes it unanimous.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

We only have 80 men.

Not counting the two deserters,
but they came back this morning

when they heard that
you were going to be sh*t.

Gin.

Gin?

Did I catch you with much?

I got so many kings and queens,

it looks like a dance
at Buckingham Palace.

You didn't get Klink's belt.

No, I didn't,

and to tell you the truth,
I'm just as glad I didn't.

Why?

He may have to
eat it for dinner.

They're really putting the
screws on him, aren't they?

They have the f*ring squad

taking target practice
outside his window.

That's cruel, even
for the Boche.

Worse yet, they're using
a monocle for a bulls-eye.

How's Klink taking it?

He's taking it like
the man that he is...

On his knees,
sobbing hysterically.

We've got to come up with
a plan for Klink's escape

or we'll never get that belt.

Aw, he could never
handle an escape.

Yeah, the colonel is right.

Some guard would
sh**t him in five minutes.

I think he's safer

in front of the f*ring squad.

Hi, Schultz.

Shh.

Shh!

What's up?

I have a plan to get
Commandant Klink to Switzerland,

but I need your help.

Forget it, Schultz.

It won't work.

You haven't even heard my plan.

All right, let's
hear it, Schultz.

Shh.

I put a little something
into the dogs' food

that will make them sleep.

Then when Corporal
Wolfschmidt comes on guard duty,

I offer him a little schnapps.

He goes into my room...
That will give me the chance

to plant some dynamite in
front of Commandant Klink's cell

and blow it up.

Then I'll take the
Commandant Klink

and put him into my brother-
in-law's car outside the fence

and off he goes to Switzerland!

Don't like my plan, huh?

Uh, Schultz, why
don't you just use

the key you have here
to unlock his cell door?

If you got enough dynamite

to blow up the door,
it'll blow up Klink.

How about the part with the dog?

They hate you, Schultz.

You couldn't get
within 20 feet of them.

He's right.

I have a plan.

Come here.

Stay with Wolfschmidt
and the schnapps bit,

forget the dogs... they bite
the hand that feeds them...

And also cancel your
brother-in-law's car.

But what do we use to
get Klink to Switzerland?

Field Marshal Kesselring's car.

Oh, wunderbar, wonderful!

Now, have Klinky in the car

exactly 9:05 and
leave the rest to us.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

I knew I could count
on the prisoners

to help the
commandant to escape.

I thought we were not going
to try to help Klink escape.

Well, you don't think
that Laurel and Hardy

can really make their
plan work, do you?

But if they try,

they'll be sh*t by
the ruddy Gestapo.

No, they won't.

I've got another plan.

It's going to save Klink's life,

and we wind up with the belt.

Care to have some
schnapps, Wolfschmidt?

I have a bottle under
the pillow in my room.

Go and get it.

What's the word, Schultz?

I have good news and bad news.

This time give me
the bad news first.

Headquarters turned
down your reprieve.

So what could be good news?

They're giving you
steak with your last meal.

Oh, Herr Kommandant,
I have a very good idea.

Herr Kommandant, I have a plan.

If you follow me,

you will be in
Switzerland in the morning.

Me run?

Huh! Schultz, you forget...

I am a German officer.

My father before me
was a German officer.

All the Klink men have
always served in the m*llitary,

and the one thing

that has set them
apart from all the others

was their courage.

How would you like your steak?

What do you want me to do?

Stand back.

Ooh! Ooh, ooh.

I'm... I'm sorry.

I-I wanted to break
down the door.

You don't have to.

Use the key!

Oh, I'm sorry... I forgot.

Just a moment, Herr Kommandant.

Shh!

We've got five minutes left.

Any sign of them?

Not yet, sir.

Sounds like Stan and Ollie now.

Clumsy idiot.

I'm sorry, Herr Kommandant.

I didn't see the can.

Next time watch
where you're going.

Shh.

They'll be sh*t before
they even reach the car.

Ooh... shh!

Here they come.

Stand by.

Ow!

Ah, ah, ah, ah!

Oh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Herr Kommandant, they have
wonderful doctors in Switzerland.

Dismissed.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Herr Kommandant, good
luck, and I hope we meet again.

Never mind, I'll do it.

Something wrong?

The car won't start.

We can push it.

That's right.

Now, push hard, Schultz.

Hurry up.

Push, Schultz.

What happened, Colonel?

The battery's dead.

All right, come on,
everybody, push.

All right, fine.

I'll get in now.

Oh, no, not yet.

What? But wait!

Hey, wait, wait!

My car, it's gone.

My only chance for freedom.

Ah... oh!

What is going on here?

Klink, what are you
doing out of the cooler?

Well, for one thing,

saving the life of Field
Marshal Kesselring.

What are you talking about?

It's obvious.

Colonel Klink looked
out of his cell window,

saw somebody planting a
b*mb in the field marshal's car,

overpowered the guard,
and at the risk of his own life

ran out to save
the life of the man

who condemned him to death.

Is that what happened,
Colonel Klink?

Sir, I couldn't have
told it better myself.

I am very grateful
to you, Colonel.

You are a brave man.

Thank you, sir.

All right, Schultz.

Take the colonel
back to the cooler.

No need for that, Major.

I am dropping the charges

and reinstating him as
Commandant of Stalag 13.

Thank you, sir.

Well, I think this
calls for a celebration.

Why don't we all
go to the Hauserhof?

I'm sure Colonel Klink and I
will be glad to buy the drinks.

Excellent idea!

We can go in my car.

What are you talking about?

This man is a prisoner!

I keep forgetting.

I'm sorry, sir, you'll have
to host this party yourself.

Dismissed, Schultz.

Get in touch with
the underground?

They're at the Hauserhof
waiting for Klink and his belt.

Well, gentlemen,

we have good news and bad news.

What's the good news, Schultz?

Colonel Klink is back.

What's the bad news?

We have to call
off the f*ring squad.