05x07 - Bombsight

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Hogan's Heroes". Aired: September 17, 1965 - April 4, 1971.*
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Hogan's Heroes centers on U.S. Army Air Forces Colonel Robert Hogan and his staff of experts who are prisoners of w*r during World w*r II.
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05x07 - Bombsight

Post by bunniefuu »

That goes for you, too, Newkirk.

What's the matter
with you, Newkirk?

It's such a nice
day out, Schultz.

Blimey, the birds are singing
on the machine g*n nests,

sun glistening on
the barbed wire.

I have my orders.

Hey, Schultz, what's going
on outside that we cannot see...

Oh, come on, one little peek.

You are not supposed

to look out of the window.

That's another order.

Hold it! Hold it, fellas!

I'm surprised at you.

He has his orders.

We owe him a little cooperation.

Oh, thank you, Colonel Hogan.

Well, his orders are

that nobody's to look
out the window because...

What's out there that we're not
supposed to know about, Schultz?

You're not supposed
to look out of the window

because we are bringing in...

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

I know nothing, I see nothing.

I say nothing!

Okay, Schultz.

All right.

Fellas.

Newkirk, on the double, outside.

Watch the windows.

Wait a minute...
Hold it, hold it.

What do you mean,
he's going outside?

It's a two-man job, Schultz.

You watch from the inside,
he watches from the outside.

That way you can
be absolutely certain

nobody's going to look out.

Right.

I'm watching from the inside

and he watches from the outside?

Now, the rest of you,
hands over your eyes

and no peeking till
Schultz says all clear.

This is silly.

Orders are orders.

Aha... all is clear.

It's all right now.

Everything went
off perfect, Schultz.

Not an eyeball at the window.

See, Schultz, we may
be decadent warmongers,

but one thing
we're not is peekers.

Another thing...
we are expecting

some very important
big-sh*t visitors,

so the camp has to be kept
especially neat and clean.

Oh...

Commandant Klink requests
no shenanigans, please.

You can tell Klink, I promise.

He's going to get just
what's good for him.

Thank you... Colonel Hogan.

They were carrying stuff
into the supply shack,

big crates marked
"Hühnerhabicht."

"Hühnerhabicht"?

Huhn.

Huhn means "chicken" in German.

They're delivering chicken?

Hey, that must be

why all the big
brass are coming.

It's a party.

Klink's going to
have a chicken fry.

"Habicht, Habicht."

Hawk.

"Chicken hawk."

Sounds like a code
name of some kind.

Something's going
on... Something big.

Did you replace the
microphone in Klink's office yet?

Haven't had a chance...
Too many security checks.

Go out and grab some
wild flowers, Carter.

Kinch, I need a transmitter.

Right.

I don't like this "chicken
hawk" business.

I have a strange feeling
that we're the chickens.

Ah.

Good morning, Colonel.

I'm busy, Hogan... dismissed.

Lovely, lovely day.

Here, compliments of
the U.S. Air Force in exile.

There, that's better, mm-hmm.

Flowers, eh?

Yeah, yeah, Schultz mentioned

you were going to have
some very important visitors

and we wanted the
office to look nice.

Yes, and you're
bringing me flowers, eh?

You are not curious why
the officials are coming, eh?

Why you were not permitted

to observe our little
activities this morning?

You are here to get some
information, aren't you, Hogan?

Colonel, I've always said,
your camp is our camp.

We want to make
a good impression.

You think it needs more greens?

Hogan, I'm on to you.

You're wasting my
time and your time.

You're not going to
get one word out of me.

Huh?

Oh, I understand.

Prime rule of a good officer.

sh**t straight and no snitching.

Precisely.

Yeah, wouldn't
have it any other way.

Ah, General Burkhalter.

How very nice to see you.

Have you heard the
wonderful news, sir?

Have you transferred
to the navy?

The navy?

The chicken
hawks... They're here.

I know. I ordered them.

Now, have they put a
new lock on your safe?

Yes, sir, they have.

Good... I don't want
to take any chances

with these blueprints.

The chicken hawks will
be taken to the airfield

just before the test
Thursday afternoon.

The entire general
staff will be here.

Sir, we'll be ready.

And may I say that I'm flattered

that Stalag 13 was
chosen for the test.

Doubtless it is because
of my distinguished record

and my security measures.

And because a POW camp

is safe from Allied air raids.

And it has a good
view of the target areas.

And maybe also because
if something goes wrong,

we will not lose
anything important.

So that's what
they are... bombs.

Sir, I know that
the chicken hawks

are dropped from planes,

but what's so
special about that?

It's the aiming
device on each b*mb.

It zeros in on any
radio transmission.

These bombs will
automatically find

enemy command
posts, radar... everything.

Klink, this will
win the w*r for us.

Incredible.

Sir, tell me, how does
this aiming device work?

Very simple, Klink.

Even you will understand it.

The secret is
right in the tip...

Gesundheit.

Gesundheit.

What are those?

Just some flowers.

With my hay fever?

Get rid of them.

Isn't it something?

We could lose World w*r
II because of a sneeze.

That b*mb "chicken hawk"
is nothing to sneeze at.

We've got to grab one,
find out what makes it tick.

How are we going to do that?

By making a raid
in the chicken coop.

Excuse me.

Hey, I say they got no right

to make us flipping
shovel with it.

What's the fuss all about?

Well, you can't blame them:

"Pick up this, clean up that."

So what if Göring is coming,
Goebbels or any of them.

We didn't invite them.

Göring? Goebbels?

Next you'll be asking us

to shine the barbed wire or
clean inside the warehouse.

That's right.

Well, I say you can forget it.

But I didn't...

Sure, the field
marshal will say,

"Whose idea was it to
clean up this place so nice?

"Oh, Sergeant Schultz, huh?

For him a ten-day pass."

Well, I say you can't
force my men to do it.

A ten-day...

Who says I can't?

I say they do, and
if I say, they do.

It isn't fair.

What do you mean, it isn't fair?

You go in there and you clean
up and make it look sparkly.

You understand?

All of you.

To think you'd do that to them

just for a lousy ten-day pass.

Now, wait... no backtalk.

Oh... Achtung.

What's going on here, Schultz?

I have the prisoners clean up

the warehouse, Herr Kommandant.

I thought it would
be a very good idea.

Sergeant Hans Schultz,
serial number 34789.

Very well, Schultz.

Dummkopf!

No one is allowed in there!

My orders exactly, Herr General.

Colonel Hogan,
take your prisoners

back to the barracks
immediately.

All right, fellas.

Thank you, Colonel.

I knew it wasn't right.

At least someone around
here is making sense.

We could saw through
some of these floorboards.

Then when all the generals
get on the stand... boom!

LeBeau, you've got an evil mind.

Oh, you're just saying that.

That wouldn't solve our problem.

We've still got to grab
one of those bombs.

Any plans?

Not the foggiest.

Hold the phone.

You just said the magic word.

I did?

The plans, the blueprints.

Burkhalter put
them in Klink's safe.

Having them'd be better
than having the b*mb.

Klink's safe's no problem, sir.

I'll have them
out in half a tick.

Not so fast.

Klink had the lock changed.

Then it's dodgy.

We'll just have to
go to the colonel

and have him show
us the combination.

Just like that?

Why not? Under
the circumstances,

it's the least he can do for us.

Come on, Newkirk.

So you want me to keep
your watch here for you.

Why, Hogan?

Can't we just
say as a favor, sir,

and let it go at that?

No, we can't.

Now, what's this all about?

Oh, I'd rather have
my tongue cut out

than have to admit it,

but, well, I'm
afraid there's a...

there's a thief among
us in the barracks.

A thief?

One of your men?

Yeah, for the very first time

I... I don't think we
deserve to win the w*r.

But stealing?

Hogan, are you certain?

Yesterday the pegs
from our cribbage board,

before that, Carter's
soap carving of Rin Tin Tin,

and just this morning a pair
of socks and our pet mouse.

But those are trifles.

Trifles to you,
sir, but remember,

we're men who have nothing.

They're treasures to us.

That mouse was
awfully good company.

And, sir, I just have a feeling

that watch is going to be next.

It's priceless to me.

It was given to me by
my dear old grandmother.

She bought it with
her egg money.

All right, I'll keep it for you.

Isn't there a more
secure place, sir?

Oh, come now.

You don't expect me
to keep it in my safe?

That would be perfect.

Then I could sleep.

Not for me, sir, for Granny.

Just until the thief is found.

That's quite impossible.

The safe is for
official business only.

Yeah, I... I understand, sir.

You take it.

I'd rather you have it

than some
contemptible sneak thief.

It's a gift... it's yours.

Why, thank you, Hogan.

You're welcome.

I'll just put it in my safe.

Wise move, sir.

Uh-uh... wait, wait, wait.

You stay right there.

A little more to the right.

That's it... hold it.

Nine.

Forty-one.

Fifty-eight.

And seven.

Now, Hogan, is there
anything I can do for you, hmm?

No, sir, you've done more
than enough, believe me.

Just one thing, sir.

We've done a little
landscaping outside.

Would you like to inspect it?

I'm much too busy, please.

Well, sir, it'll just
take a minute.

I know you want everything

to look right for the visitors.

Well, if it'll just
take a minute.

Okay.

Yeah, we rearranged these
rocks, sir, and painted them.

It's very nice.

Yeah, we wanted to
plant some flowers,

spell out "Klink" in marigolds,

but there wasn't time.

It's fine like it is.

The real change is
over by the flagpole.

If you'll just come with me.

I can't... I have to call
General Burkhalter.

No, no, sir!

It'll have to wait.

Colonel, Colonel!

Well, Colonel Hogan?

Well, Hogan...

what's this man doing here?

I think it's quite obvious, sir.

No question about it:

This man came to steal.

He was after my watch.

You mean my watch.

So you're the
barracks thief, huh?

Shame, Newkirk, for shame.

I should have that watch.

My mum promised
she'd get me a watch

when I enlisted,
and she never did.

Why should you have
a watch and not me?

I should have that watch...

I was promised.

I'm sure your trained mind

has already diagnosed this, sir.

A man with shaky moral
values to begin with,

then the long confinement.

No question...

Mental aberration,
acute kleptomania.

My thoughts exactly.

I should see to it personally.

If I might suggest, Colonel,

leave his punishment to me.

Why should you?

I don't understand...

Putting it bluntly, sir,

you'd be far too lenient.

You're too forgiving a man...

Too compassionate.

This man has committed
a very serious crime.

No question about it,

he broke into
your office, sir...

The commandant's office.

Come, Newkirk.

Don't let him take me, sir!

Don't let him take me, please...

Now stop that!

You know my decision;

you go with the colonel.

Newkirk!

Say good-bye to
the nice colonel.

Good-bye, nice colonel.

Newkirk...

Your mom promised you this, too?

Sorry, sir.

Well, we did all we could.

Can't win 'em all.

Yeah, but this is a big one.

This could lose us
the whole ball game.

Well, the test isn't
until this afternoon.

I have an idea, Colonel.

You know, we could radio London

and ask them to send
some bombers over

and just clobber that warehouse.

One little detail,
our barracks...

They're right next
to the warehouse.

Well, we could ask
them to be extra careful.

That would help.

Well, at least somebody's happy.

What's up?

Why shouldn't he be happy?

He's got a reason.

He's also got something
else... the blueprints.

LeBeau, can you make
up a roll of paper like that?

Right, Colonel.

Good... Newkirk, get
your camera ready.

Colonel, you can't
steal those blueprints

out of Klink's hand
in broad daylight.

I wouldn't do a thing like that.

Stealing's a
no-no... Ask Newkirk.

We're just going to
make a little swap.

I want them absolutely straight!

You understand?
Absolutely straight!

And I want every one
of those chairs to shine.

Glad we caught you, sir.

All right, over
there, LeBeau, huh?

I want you to sign this, sir.

It's authorization for us

to discipline Newkirk.

Very well, very well.

Finally decided on

an appropriate
punishment for him.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Wait a minute, it says here

that you're going to sh**t him.

Yes, sir... at dawn tomorrow.

Don't forget your
middle initial.

You can't sh**t your own man!

We can sh**t him, but you can't.

Why can you do
something we can't do?

But, Colonel Hogan...

Well, I mean, if you were

in an American
prisoner-of-w*r camp

and another German wanted
to sh**t you, we'd let him.

But that's different.

We'll pay for the b*ll*ts.

We got money in
our welfare fund.

No, no sh**ting
him... You can't do that.

I knew you'd be too lenient.

All right... I'll think
of something else.

All right, fellas!

Kinch, come on!

Right, Colonel.

Let's make this place shine!

That's awful.

What a terrible officer.

He's even worse than our own...

And hurry it up, Newkirk.

We got to get those
plans back fast.

Oh, uh, Colonel?

We changed Newkirk's punishment

to solitary confinement.

Ah, good, good, good.

Would you sign these?

Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

Uh, Schultz, your button.

Oh, boy...

You want to look
neat when they arrive.

Thank you.

Yeah...

There... Good.

Did you sign all
three copies, sir?

Three times, mm-hmm. Okay.

Ah! There's the general now.

Good.

All right, Kinch.

Let's keep it tidy.

There you go...

Halt!

Yeah, I'll take it.

No, no, no, no, allow me.

You did me a favor;
I do you a favor.

Yeah... Good, Schultz.

I'll have that film developed

in about ten minutes.

Just don't let any
light in here, right?

Right.

All right, Kinch, contact
the Underground.

We want that film in
London just as fast...

Hold it.

Ah, gentlemen, relaxing?

Uh, yes, sir, just relaxing.

You've earned it,
you've worked very hard.

I have never seen the
camp look any better.

Thank you, sir.

Uh, Colonel Hogan...

the other prisoner, Corporal
Newkirk, where is he?

Newkirk? Um...

He's in there,
solitary confinement.

Like I said, he's
coming along fine,

but we thought it best.

You're probably
right... poor man.

On the other hand,
a day like this,

I revoke all punishment.

We will give everyone

a good reason to celebrate.

You can come out
now, all is forgiven.

What are you doing?

I'm just rinsing out
some socks, sir.

Oh...

Well, all your privileges
have been restored.

You see, gentlemen,

when you're all nice to me,

I can be nice to you.

Camera crews have
their instructions?

Of course, Herr General.

They will all take positions

in a big circle
around the target area

and we shall get films of
the test from every angle.

And you are sure

all radios have been removed

from the vehicles?

Yes, sir.

And may I say how pleased I am

to have had such
an important part

in this very big event?

Well... it's a great
day for the Irish.

Yeah, I feel like I'm
walking up a gangplank

and there's no ship.

Well, we can
always say we tried.

Came darn close.

There's just one hope:

We can only pray
those bombs don't work.

Or maybe we can
pray they do work.

You want them to work?

I can't believe it...

our own colonel, a traitor!

Relax, Carter, I'm still
one of the good guys.

Maybe we've been going
at this thing all wrong.

It's impossible to get the plans

and the secret to the b*mb,

so instead let's
just discredit it.

Oh, discredit it?

Yeah.

Go over to the supply shack,

get an armful of walkie-talkies.

Right, Colonel.

They may have the hawk,
but we're going to give them

a whole new mess
of chickens to sh**t at.

Gentlemen, we are ready.

Our target is that
small building out there.

From here, those
wires go to the target,

turn on the radio transmitter
inside that building.

The bombing plane is in position

and will drop the bombs
at ten-second intervals

in exactly... 30 seconds.

Now, gentlemen, keep
your eyes on the target.

I think you'll find
it most interesting.

Turn on the target transmitter.

Turn on the target transmitter.

Target time is...

Something has gone wrong!

We've got to tell that plane

not to drop any more bombs.

Luftwaffe X10, Luftwaffe
X10, no more bombs!

No more!

Klink!

No, not the radio!

But I have to
tell the planes, I...

Oh, Colonel, don't
worry about a thing.

We'll have it cleaned
up in no time at all.

All right, work
detail. Right, sir.

Boy, they sure
aren't making cars

like they used to, huh?

Good news, Colonel.

Newkirk has snapped
out of it completely,

so now I can wear my
watch again, I'd like it back.

You couldn't wear it anyway;

it would look like a bribe.

Who cares?

Remarkable recovery, sir.

Replaced the cribbage pegs,

gave Carter back
his soap carving.

He even gave us
back our pet mouse.

Here.

It certainly is a happy day.

Colonel Klink speaking.

Oh, yes, General...

a complete failure, yes.

You've canceled all
further development?

Mm-hmm. Oh, yes, sir,

I have a copy of the
damage list right here.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

I left out something?

Your command car?

General, that would take

a long time on a colonel's pay.

Hello? Hello?!

What did happen yesterday, sir?

Was that an American
bomber att*ck?

I didn't know
they came this far.

No, it wasn't an
American att*ck, it was...

No, it wasn't!

Oh.

Thanks for keeping the watch.

Ticktock, ticktock, ticktock.
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