05x08 - The Big Picture

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Hogan's Heroes". Aired: September 17, 1965 - April 4, 1971.*
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Hogan's Heroes centers on U.S. Army Air Forces Colonel Robert Hogan and his staff of experts who are prisoners of w*r during World w*r II.
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05x08 - The Big Picture

Post by bunniefuu »

Now, this area here, Hogan,

we want it cleared
of trees and brush.

You want us to do it?

Oh, Berlin will pay.

Ten pfennigs an hour per man.

Which means they've
authorized 25 pfennigs an hour.

You give us ten;
keep 15 to yourself.

Hogan, I resent that.

Where do you get such ideas?

Mainly from you.

Excuse, Herr Kommandant.

A Captain Bohrmann
is here to see you.

Bohrmann? I don't know
any Captain Bohrmann.

I'm busy. Send him away.

Gestapo.

Well, don't just let
the man sit out there.

The commandant may
be able to squeeze him in.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

We'll discuss our
business later. Dismissed.

I hate a sloppy w*r.

Colonel Klink, Heil h*tler.

Heil h*tler.

Uh, please, Captain,
sit down, sit down.

What can I do for you?

I have been assigned to Gestapo
Headquarters in Dusseldorf.

Mm-hmm.

But I am living in
Hamilburg at the moment,

Houselhof Hotel, room 209.

Very interesting.

But is it important?

Very.

What's this captain's game?

Keep quiet,
maybe we'll find out.

Of course I remember

the plot to
assassinate the Führer.

Could any loyal
German ever forget it?

I don't think you will.

The conspirators are
still being rounded up.

A very important man
was recently arrested.

I searched his house,
found this picture

and the negative.

Mm-hmm.

No, it's not possible.

Klink sounds like he
swallowed his monocle.

Must be some picture.

Klink and a woman, maybe?

Impossible. Klink's
in love with Klink.

He wouldn't let anyone
come between himself.

General Molendorf.

That's his arm
around your shoulders.

Yes, we were friends.

Close friends and very
possibly associated in the plot

to assassinate the Führer.

Hardly knew the man.

We went to school
together for ten years,

saw each other every
day, but what's that?

You were also best
man at his wedding.

Oh, well, I had nothing
else to do that afternoon.

Colonel, I have a problem.

If I turn this picture in to
Gestapo Headquarters,

an innocent man may be ex*cuted.

Innocent?

You.

Me? I'm not innocent.

I mean, I am innocent.
What have I done?

If I destroy the
negative or give it to you,

I won't exactly be
doing my duty, will I?

No, you do have a problem.

Klink's beautiful, isn't he?

Little Alice in Krautland.

How stupid can one man be?

Keep listening, he'll tell you.

And you expect me
to pay your hotel bill?

In addition to, say,
1,000 marks right now,

while I consider the problem.

Couldn't you consider the
problem a little less expensively?

The life of an innocent
commandant is at stake.

Oh.

I'll get the money
out of the safe.

That's blackmail.

Bohrmann will take Klink
for every penny he's got

and then have him
ex*cuted anyway to cover up.

That's nice. Yeah, lovely.

Au revoir, Monsieur
Klink, and I mean au revoir.

If the Gestapo takes
him away, we're next.

His enemy is our enemy.

Well, why'd you want to save

a bloody fool like Klink?

I don't want to,
but let's face it,

bloody fools don't
grow on trees.

Eins, zwei, drei, vier.

Eins, zwei, drei, vier.

Detail, halt!

Left face!

Roll call!

When I call your name, answer!

Look alive!

Who's alive?

Quiet!

I said, look alive,
do you understand?!

Get it over with, Schultz.

Achtung! The commandant.

Commandant, hold it a minute.

Hogan, what is
it? I'm in a hurry.

The work's coming
along beautifully, sir.

Yeah, beautifully, sir.

Excellent, excellent. Carry on.

It's a real picnic slaving away

out there in the cold.

Ja, it's a real picnic.

It is? Especially without pay.

We've been at it almost a week
now... when do we get paid?

Hogan, is that all you
can think about? Money?

Only when I don't have it.

You'll get paid when the
paymaster arrives from Berlin.

Now keep up the good work.

Driver, go on.

As soon as the
paymaster arrives?

You heard what our
fearless leader said.

But the paymaster
arrived the night before last.

Are you sure?

I opened the gate
for him myself.

How's that news bulletin, folks?

Colonel Hogan,

is there some monkey
business going on?

Next time you see a monkey
wearing a monocle, ask him.

He's tapping the till,
that's what he's doing.

Bohrmann must have
put the bite on Klink again.

And he's using our
wages to pay off.

And we go out every day
and work like the fools we are.

Well, not me...
Tomorrow I go on strike.

That's all you Frenchmen
ever do, go on strike.

And make love.

Yeah, you never hear them
striking about that, do you?

Jealousy will get you nowhere.

All right, knock it off.

We took the job Klink offered

so we could get outside
the fence every day

so we could operate.

That's not going
to last, Colonel.

They're going to catch Klink

with his hand in the cash
register and chop it off.

Yeah, and his head, too.

We've got to do
something about that picture

to take the heat off Klink.

Us get the picture? How?

Go into town and ask Bohrmann.

Nothing to it.

Yeah, that's exactly
what I had in mind.

Kinch, do you
have the floor plan

to the Houselhorf
Hotel in the file?

I think so. Let's see.

Houselhorf... right here.

Thanks.

Now, Bohrmann said he
was in room 209, second floor.

That's right here.

Do you think he'd still
have the negative on him?

Probably. We'll
just have to risk it.

Now, if we could get the
room next to Bohrmann,

we might have a chance.

It doesn't look good, Colonel.

We've got no choice.

We move out tomorrow night.

If you ask me, sir, I
think it's a bit chancy.

Newkirk, nobody asked you.

Would you rather
have a brand-new Kraut

running this little old Stalag?

Not just any room.

I said number 210!

Impossible. There
is a reservation.

This is Oberführer
Hoganheimer. Gestapo!

We have oberführers here
all the time, nothing new.

He's not just an
ordinary oberführer,

he's really ober da oberführers.

I know.

He's the oberest
oberführer of them all.

Now, give me the
key to 210, please!

It cannot be done. I'm sorry.

Just a minute, Unterführer.

You see, I'm the unterführer,
he's the oberführer.

Please, don't do that again.

I'll handle this.

Jawohl, Oberfuhrer Hoganheimer.

Yes, we are most
anxious to have room 210.

Eh... perhaps if I juggle
it around a bit, I can, uh...

Juggle away, gnadige frau.

Please.

Ja, Herr Oberfuhrer,
you may have room 210.

Ah, one of your officers,
Captain Bohrmann, is in 209.

Don't tell him we're here.

We'd like to surprise him.

I understand, sir.

This way, please.

Marvelous, Oberführer.

Excellent.

Good night, gentlemen.

Good night. Good night.

Heil h*tler. Heil h*tler.

Heil h*tler.

Her and her bloody Heil Hitlers.

Shh.

I'm sorry. Shh.

I'm sorry.

Heil h*tler.

Newkirk.

Open it.

Well, why didn't you... Shh.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Fire! Fire! Fire in the hall!

Fire!

There's fire!

Fire!

Fire! Right down
there, there's fire!

Fire! Fire!

Fire!

There's fire everywhere!

Fire in the halls! Fire!

Fire!

Okay, sir, did it work?

He only took the leather box.

The negative has
got to be in there.

Get rid of that, will you?

And fast!

I got a feeling we're just
never gonna win this w*r.

Oh, God.

Come on.

Yes, yes, Schultz, I'm aware

you're only getting
half your pay.

What happened, Herr Kommandant?

I told you, the paymaster
didn't bring us enough money.

Is there anything
wrong in Berlin?

Oh, Herr Kommandant, if
it's a secret, you can tell me.

I won't tell a word to anybody.

There is nothing
wrong in Berlin...

more than usual.

Oh, Herr Kommandant.

My pay is nothing to start with.

If you cut it in half,
I get half of nothing.

Schultz, is money
all that concerns you?

Don't you ever think
of the experience

you're getting in the service?

Herr Kommandant, couldn't
I get experience on full pay?

Doesn't it mean anything
to you to serve the Führer?

Is the Führer on half pay?

Don't you have any
love for your fatherland?

Oh, I do, Herr Kommandant. I do,

but couldn't I have
love and money?

Now, Schultz, your
service record is very good.

Don't spoil it by complaining.

There may even be a promotion.

If this w*r continues,
someday all this may be yours.

Who needs it? Oh, I mean,

Herr Kommandant, I'm
very happy being a sergeant.

Colonel Hogan, what shall I do?

Sue the Luftwaffe for my pay?

You can accept what
they give you, Schultz,

or sue them and
wait for the rest

at the Russian Front.

But it's not fair.

I'm a sergeant of the guard.

Every day I risk my life

guarding you
dangerous prisoners.

Shultz, take the
half pay and forget it.

w*r's not only
rotten, it's expensive.

Why should I pay the bill?

Uh... I got an idea.

Maybe the prisoners

could take up a
collection for you.

Oh, I couldn't take money

from the prisoners.

I was just trying to help.

Oh, boy, am I in trouble.

When I send my wife
only half the money

she usually gets... oh, boy!

Straighten it out when
you go home on leave.

She'll straighten me out.

Then don't go home.

She'll come and get me.

Uh... Colonel Hogan,

I can't take money from
the prisoners, but, uh...

maybe a little loan from you.

How much interest
would you charge me?

Charge a friend interest?

That's insulting, Schultz.

Oh, excuse me.

I'm sorry.

Oh, Colonel Hogan,

thank you, you saved my life!

And you ask nothing for it.

Nothing. However...

However.

Uh...

Impossible.

Impossible, huh?

Impossible, but
we try it anyway.

Tomorrow?

Yeah.

Good boy.

Danke.

We make our move
tomorrow during the work detail.

That is fabulous.
Marvelous, marvelous.

How'd you manage that, Colonel?

I told Schultz we wanted

to work the farms
around the camp

for some extra food.

As soon as we get
outside the wire,

we'll disappear for
a couple of hours.

Then sneak into town and
snatch the ol' negative, eh?

Certainment. Day
is the best time

to steal it... when he's gone.

He's small, but all brains.

What are we going to do

about civilian clothes, sir?

Wear them under our uniforms.

We'll ditch this stuff

as soon as we
get rid of Schultz.

Colonel Hogan.

Colonel Hogan.

I was thinking.

You know that's
bad for you, Schultz.

It makes you hungry.

I can't do what
you asked me to do.

I'd rather pay interest.

A deal's a deal, Schultz.

And a wife is a wife.

You didn't have to
marry her, you know.

Now he gives me advice.

Where were you
when I needed you?

Achtzehn, neunzehn, zwanzig.

All present.

Detail!

Left face!

Forward march!

Eins, zwei, drei, vier.

Eins, zwei, drei, vier.

Eins... Schultz, please.

You're confusing the men.

You're out of step.

Zwei, drei, vier.

Eins, zwei, drei, vier.

Eins, zwei, drei, vier. Halt!

Eins, zwei, drei, vier.

Just a minute! I said halt.

Halt!

We were just going out
to work, Commandant.

You're not going.

Schultz, dismiss the men.

I have decided to cancel

the project. I thought we

were doing fine, sir. You were.

Was it something I said?

The money for their pay

has not come from Berlin.

Well, that's all right.

Maybe we can work out time
payments. Time payments?

Sure. h*tler's
good for the money.

Absolutely!

You stay out of this.

He can always cash
in France if he has to.

You mean you
would work on credit?

Of course. Right, men?

Yes. Yay!

You bet we would.

After all, it's our stalag, too.

And we love it!

We're enemies, and
we hate each other, sir,

but we live here.

For us, it's...

well, RFD Germany.

Hogan,

I'm deeply touched.

So am I.

But...

I cannot have my
prisoners work on credit

when I've promised to pay them.

Gentlemen,

I thank you from the
bottom of my heart.

Hooray!

Tell you what, Commandant,
we'll finish the job,

you can forget the money.

You mean you would
work for nothing?

Yeah, we want to
beautify this place.

Want it to look nice when

General Patton's
tanks come rolling in.

Request denied.
Schultz, dismiss the men.

But, Commandant...

The work will resume

when the financial
situation is cleared up.

Dismissed.

Work detail, dismissed!

There goes the plan.

Yeah, looks like that Bohrmann

is really putting
the bite on Klink.

Yeah, all the more reason

to get him off the
hook, and fast.

All right, we go
out tonight anyway.

We go through the
emergency tunnel.

Steal the negative with
Bohrmann in his room?

Suppose he wakes up, Colonel?

Put him to sleep again.

Oh. I just thought I'd ask.

It sounds logical, though.

I'll need another man.

LeBeau, you want to volunteer?

Can I have some time
to think about it, Colonel?

I accept your offer.

Doesn't take me long to decide.

Abend, gentlemen.

Heil h*tler.

Abend. Key 210, please.

And please see if
we have any mail.

There are no letters
for you. I'm sorry.

Danke.

Danke, gnadige frau.

Not exactly Claridge's,
but we like it.

Shh.

Sorry.

We'll wait till he's asleep.

Hmm?

It started with me.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Just a touch of realism, sir.

Let's go.

Let's have one more
little old drink of schnapps!

Nein, the schnapps
is all shnapped out.

I must have more schnapps!

And I say you can't
have more schnapps!

You want to fight?

I want to settle
it the only way.

Stop the noise or I'll
settle the two of you.

Who are you, mein herr?

I am trying to sleep.

LeBEAU: That's so funny...

What have you got
against my old friend?

Take your hands off me.

Captain, go to heck.

No, no, no, you can't talk

to my friend that way.

Will you take your hands off me?

I will have the two of you

thrown in jail.

LeBEAU: Good. Good idea.

It's not much trouble.

What are you
going to do about it?

About what?

Anything.

Yeah, good.

Now, do you really think...?

Get your hands off me!

We're terribly...
terribly sorry.

We had a little too
much schnapps.

I should say you have.

LeBEAU: We owe
you an apology, sir.

Just get out of here.

Good night and
pleasant dreams, sir.

Can I have a...?

Quiet down. Shh-shh.

Heil h*tler.

Heil h*tler.

No more noise.

Shh! Shh!

Heil h*tler.

Heil h*tler.

I got it.

Great. Let's celebrate.

Can we stop at the hofbrau?

Too risky. Back to camp.

Oh, come on, Colonel.

One bottle of wine.

Don't argue.

Right. Remember,
I'm an oberführer.

Right. He's the oberführer,

I'm an unterführer.

That also makes you
an unterführer. Got it?

Crystal clear.

Good, then explain it to me

on the way back to camp.

Come in, come in!

You sent for me, Commandant?

Yes, Hogan.

I have been thinking
about your offer

to do the cleanup
work outside the fence.

I've been thinking
about it, too.

Good, good, good. Yeah.

We want 25 pfennigs an hour,

not the ten you
were going to give us.

What? You said you
would do it for nothing.

The offer was for
a limited time only.

It expired at midnight.

You'd kick a man when he's down.

Kick you, sir?

Berlin expects
this job to be done.

They're sending an inspector,

and I simply do not have
the money to pay for all this.

You're in a tough spot, sir.

I never thought I would
beg you for anything.

What's this?

Looks like a negative.

Yeah, I'm positive
it's a negative.

"Merry Christmas from a friend."

A little early, but
it's a nice thought.

Hogan.

Do you know what
this means? Do you?

I don't need your help.

Ten pfennigs an
hour, take it or leave it.

A minute ago you were a mouse.

What turned you into a rat?

This proves that I have friends.

People who are willing
to do things for me,

and you are not one of them.

I'd like to be,
sir, I really would.

Then try harder, Hogan. Try.

I will, and thank you, sir,

for giving me a second chance.

Are we all in, gents?

Come on.

Now, how do you
like that colonel?

He only had a pair of deuces

and he stole the
pot from us again.

And I had wired kings.

Why didn't you see me, then?

Newkirk, you ought to
play poker with h*tler.

You'd bluff him out of the w*r.

Abend, gentlemen. Heil...

Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh!

No gambling in the barracks!

Glad you reminded us, Schultz.

Oh, yeah. We got
to remember that.

That's all I ask,
and keep it in mind.

Colonel Hogan, I
got my back pay,

and I want to give you
the money I owe you.

Ah, didn't I tell you
he's a good credit risk?

Thank you. Oh,
Schultz, as I recall,

you owe me 25 marks
from blackjack last month.

Thank you very much indeed.

And you promised me ten marks

for a strudel I made you.

What happened?

Looks like you have a
sudden att*ck of poverty.

Uh, you want to sit in, Schultz?

Oh, oh, Colonel Hogan,

could you lend me some money?

I'm sorry, Schultz, you said
no gambling in the barracks.
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