05x11 - The Empty Parachute

[bunniefuu]

Herr Kommandant,

Colonel Hogan
reporting as ordered.

You asked to see me, Colonel?

I ordered you here.

It was a command.

I told him, Herr
Kommandant, it was an order.

I said, "Oh, boy, the
Commandant is so mad," I said.

Schultz, shut up and get out.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Well, whatever it was, I'm here.

What's up?

Hogan, I would
like to remind you

that this is a prison camp,

and that you and
your men are prisoners.

I'll accept that.

And any reflection on this camp

is a reflection on me.

Yeah. Is that all?

No.

Today, when your
men went into town

on a work detail,
they did something

which I consider
a personal insult.

What did they do?

They were wearing
armbands which said

that they were prisoners
here at Stalag 13.

They went into a tourist agency
and asked for travel folders.

How does that make me look?

Maybe they're not happy here.

Hogan!

I have been too easy with you.

From now on,

there will be the
strictest discipline.

You and your men
will toe the mark.

Gosh, all the fun and
good times are out?

Any breach of regulations,
and it'll be the cooler.

Uh, okay.

I'll certainly tell the men

that you're, um,
dissatisfied with them.

No, that's not strong enough.

Tell them that I'm angry.

And when Wilhelm Klink is angry,

somebody will
get it in the neck.

Herr Kommandant?

Schultz, I told you to get out.

I am so glad to see
you, Major Hochstetter.

Heil h*tler. Heil h*tler.

This is Herr Schlager.

Oh, Herr Schlager,
what a great...

Heil h*tler.

Of course. Heil h*tler.

Herr Schlager is here...

What is he doing here?

Oh, just routine camp business.

This is Colonel Hogan,
Senior P.O.W. Officer.

Heil.

An American. Ugh.

You sound like you've
seen a lot of them lately.

That'll be all, Hogan.

Well, don't you want
to talk some more

about the travel folders?

Look here, Hogan, I... I...

That will be all for now, Hogan.

Please feel free to come
and talk to me anytime.

I encourage my prisoners to come

and discuss their
problems with me.

I call that being soft.

Oh, but I never give
them any sympathy.

Right, Hogan?

Oh, that's right.

Most of the time, he abuses us.

There you are.

You can be very proud
of the Commandant.

He's mean, vicious,
rotten through and through.

Brutal, detestable, mean.

Wait a minute. I said that.

Dismissed, Hogan!

I said, dismissed.

Just trying to give you
a good character, sir.

Ah, Herr Schlager, please,

please, won't you sit down?

Let me take your
briefcase from you.

Oh. I'm-I'm so sorry.

What's up, Colonel?

I don't know.

But Hochstetter
just brought a guy in

who's got a briefcase
chained to his arm.

Maybe it's his lunch.

Then the recipe
must be top secret.

You were absolutely
right to come here.

Got it, Colonel.

From a security standpoint,
Stalag 13 is a fortress.

And I can give you
my personal assurance

that you're quite safe here.

Herr Schlager does not
need your protection, Klink.

The Gestapo can
take care of that.

Oh, I didn't mean

that the Gestapo
was not capable.

Major Hochstetter,
you know my admiration

for your wonderful Gestapo.

If I've said it once, I've
said it a thousand times.

Colonel Klink...

Yes, sir.

Let me explain, so it
will be perfectly clear.

I'm all ears.

I have been entrusted with
a highly important mission.

That mission has
been accomplished.

The results of it are
here in this briefcase.

Good, good. Very good.

I congratulate you.

Now, nothing must happen to it.

I must get it safely to Berlin!

And I have said you could
not be in a safer place.

This is a prison

that not only can
prisoners not get out of,

but they can't get into it.

May I have the phone?

Oh, yes, sir, please.

Help yourself.

My prison is your prison.

Klink, please, stop
making speeches.

Admit it... you are upset
because Herr Schlager feels

that it's safer here than
your Gestapo headquarters.

Shh.

Hello.

This is Herr Julius Schlager.

Priority Double-A.

Put me through at once

to the Fuhrer's
private line in Berlin.

Maybe it's the Fuhrer's
lunch in that briefcase.

Sounds like big stuff.

How are we going to
get a look at it, Colonel?

I don't know,

but it's our priority Double-A.

Hello.

Mein Fuhrer.

I have got it.

Oh, yeah, it is all
we ever hoped for!

Oh, but of course I understand.

I guard it with my life.

Oh, thank you, Mein Fuhrer.

The Fuhrer is sending
a Luftwaffe plane here

to pick me up.

And in the meantime, I repeat,

nothing must happen
to this briefcase!

Do I make myself clear?!

You know, getting that briefcase

isn't going to be easy.

Well, we could get a
message to the RAF.

Have them down the plane.

No, we got to see
what's in that briefcase.

Maybe we could
pump Klink and find out.

Klink doesn't know,

and neither does Hochstetter.

No, we got to find
out for ourselves.

Now, how can we do that

when it's chained to his wrist?

Have him unchain it.

We will; just like that?

Yeah.

Newkirk, stand next to LeBeau.

Now, LeBeau, you know

he's going to lift your wallet.

What would you do?

Oh, that's easy.

That's what anyone would do.

And that's how we're
going to get Schlager

to unchain it from his wrist.

He'll put the briefcase
in his pocket?

In a manner of speaking.

Or you could say,

he's going to put
it in our pocket.

You don't understand, Schultz.

We're planting flowers
'cause we love beauty.

We want this to be a
prison we can be proud of.

With vegetables,
you can be proud

and eat them, too.

Hey, Schultz!

Yeah, Newkirk, what is it?

I think Commandant
Klink's looking for you.

He knows where I am.

I'm right here if he wants me.

What makes you think
he wants to see Schultz?

Oh, I heard him say,
"Where is that idiot?"

No. He said, "Where
is that stupid idiot?"

Well, maybe he
meant someone else.

No.

He wants me.

I'll be right back.

Here he comes.

Okay, let's go.

Newkirk!

Yeah?

The Commandant didn't want me.

Oh, it must have been
some other stupid idiot.

Yeah.

Oh, it's against regulations
to make insults to the guards.

You have ten more
minutes for outside activities.

Then back to the
barracks, you understand?

Finish up, Carter.

Hey, Carter.

Oh. SCHULTZ: Ow!

Ow! Be careful!

Sorry!

Oh, you hurt me.

Come in, come in.

Yes, Schultz, what is it?

Herr Commandant,

I want to report
that... I found this.

Good.

If nobody claims
it, you can keep it.

Now get out.

Wait a minute.

Where did you
find this parachute?

It was buried in the yard.

I thought it looked suspicious.

I thought I should report it.

I was only doing what
I thought was right.

Herr Schlager, the
enemy knows you are here

and have dropped a
man to get this briefcase.

That's absolutely ridiculous.

I agree with Hochstetter.

Oh, I mean it's
ridiculous to think

that he could get away with it.

I can assure you, Herr Schlager,

that wherever he's
hiding, he will be found.

If you do not, you
will find yourself

in a most
disagreeable situation.

I don't see how
you can blame me.

Where was the
Luftwaffe to stop him?

Where was the Gestapo?

And where were you when
an enemy agent dropped

right in the middle
of your prison camp?

We can talk about this later.

Of course, Herr Schlager.

At your court-martial.

But what precautions
do we take right now?

I would say the first
thing is to put the briefcase

in a secure place and
put a 24-hour guard on it.

Meanwhile, we will
search every inch

of Stalag 13 until we
find the enemy agent.

I agree. But what
is a secure place?

Right here in Klink's safe,

with a guard posted.

Well, that takes
care of the first step.

They just put it in our pocket.

Search the barracks!

Hurry!

Hey, they just gone

into Barracks Four, sir.

They're tearing the
place upside down.

I was stopped three times

coming across the yard.

Is that so?

I wonder what
they're looking for.

It seems there's a
parachute that's missing.

Oh, they're so easy to misplace.

All right, so they put
the briefcase in the safe.

So, how we going to
get it from the safe?

We know the
combination, don't we?

Sure, but they've been guarding
Klink's quarters every minute.

How do we get around that?

Please, one miracle at a time.

Tell us what you're looking
for; we might be able to help you.

You will know it when
we find him, Hogan.

Oh, it's a man!
Can you describe...

What'd he look like?
What was he wearing?

A parachute. A parachute.

Schultz, shut up!

Ah! Herr Kommandant, here he is!

Here he is! I found him!

Here he is! I've got him!

Hey, what's the idea?!

Oh, it's you!

Oh, you think it would
be someone else.

Oh, boy.

Anybody else in there?

Come on, raus!

Everybody!

Hogan, if you know anything

about this man that
we're looking for,

you better tell me now.

All I know is what
I've heard here, sir.

Now, Hogan, look
me straight in the eye

and tell me that
you're not involved.

I'm not involved.

And you know nothing about it?

I know nothing about it.

Satisfied?

No!

Herr Kommandant...

I beg to report, they
did not find anything.

All right.

The next barracks.

The next barracks.

Okay, let's go.
Let's go, three, four.

One, two, three, four,
one, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four...

I'll take care of you later.

I hate to say this, Colonel,

but I don't see any way

we're going to get our hands

on that briefcase.

You're right... the
situation's hopeless.

There's no solution.

We're faced with an
absolute impossibility.

In that case, sir,
why don't you tell us

what you've thought of?

All right, here it is.

What do you mean,
he is not in the camp?

We have searched everywhere.

The man is not in the camp.

I bet my life on it.

But we found this parachute.

We know he was here.

Colonel Klink, do you mean
that he escaped from your camp?

Nobody escapes from Stalag 13.

If he's here, he'll be found.

Come in, come in.

Herr Kommandant, Colonel Hogan

would like to have
a word with you.

What is it, Hogan?

If you don't mind.

He would like to talk to
me. I'm the commandant.

I am the Gestapo!

All right, tell
Major Hochstetter

what you want to say.

It's about the
parachutist. Aha, I knew it!

You were hiding
someone. Where is he?

Go on, tell us right
away, or I'll have you sh*t.

Major Hochstetter,

you don't have to
thr*aten Colonel Hogan.

He came here on his
own free will to talk to us.

Bah! These men
understand only force.

Go ahead, Hogan.

Well, it's a matter
of simple logic.

I spent quite a bit
of time figuring it out.

I suddenly realized I could tell
you something about this man.

I never doubted it. Go on.

Well, a man parachutes
into the center of the camp.

Why at this particular time?

Why not before or later?

Just one thing: Herr
Schlager is here.

So I figured

the reason is he wants
something Herr Schlager has.

How's that for logic?

Hogan, go away.

Let me have him for two hours.

I'll make him talk.

It's easy to get him to talk.

The trouble is he
never says anything.

Gosh, I thought you fellas
would be glad to hear my theory.

We're not interested.

Come in. Come in.

Not now. Go away.
Come back later and clean.

Hogan, I'm the commandant
here. I give the orders.

Sorry, sir.

Go ahead, do the cleaning.

Go ahead, do the
cleaning. Yes, sir!

Oh, just a minute,
just one minute!

I have another theory.

Never mind, Hogan. Dismissed.

Now, this is really
an original idea.

You'll be crazy about it.
We don't want to hear it.

We interrupt this program

to bring you a
special broadcast.

It is forbidden to
turn off your radios.

The next voice you
hear will be the Fuhrer.

The Fuhrer!

Heil!

What's really
unusual about this...

Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!

Sounds like the same
speech he made last week.

Shh! Shh! Shh!

We will now resume
our regular program.

Heil h*tler.

Heil h*tler.

Ah, it always makes
me feel so much better

after I've heard the Fuhrer.

Hmm, you had
better start worrying

about what you will
hear from the Fuhrer

if you do not find
the parachutist

that landed in this camp.

Don't put the blame on me.

I'm only responsible
for the prisoners.

The Gestapo sees
after the spies.

Fellas! If you don't mind.

I can't stand family quarrels.

Well, come on, let's open it,

see what's so
flippin' important.

Yeah. Yeah, I'll force the lock.

Hurry up; the
suspense is k*lling me.

Hold it, hold it!

Something wrong?

I don't know yet.

Just as I thought.
These locks are phony.

Uh-oh. That's bad.

Why? All it means is
we're not going to have

any trouble opening
the ruddy thing.

All it means is that
they're booby-trapped.

If you tried to force
this thing open,

you would've set off
an expl*sive charge.

I don't feel too good.

The suspense isn't
k*lling me anymore.

There is a way to open
it without any danger.

How? What?

I haven't the slightest
idea what it is,

but we'd better get
it open pretty soon

and find out what's inside

before that Luftwaffe
plane arrives for Schlager.

What we need for
this job is an expert.

Yeah. Why don't
we call Information?

Kinch, get on the
radio to London.

Tell 'em to put their top
demolition man on the speaker.

Right, Colonel.

Watch it! Take it easy.

It might be your turn to go.

You don't have to take
us with you, do you?

All right?

This is Major Blair.

Go ahead, Mama Bear.

Got a little problem
here, Major.

Describe your problem, Colonel.

It's an attaché case
with a phony lock.

You've got a winner.
What's the hardware like?

Outside of the lock, it, uh, has
two diamond-shaped clasps.

I was afraid of that.

Lost two of my best men
in Munich on that one.

I'd suggest you pass.

No dice.

We have to see what's inside.

It's important.

Tell me how to open it.

Okay.

But if I hear a loud noise,

I won't bother going on.

Thanks.

All right, stand
back, all of you.

That's an order.

Okay, blast away.

I mean...

go ahead.

The case must be
in an upright position.

Roger.

Once you start working
on it, any other position

releases an acid vial
that'll set off the charge.

Gotcha.

Move the lever under
the handle to the right.

Uh-huh.

Now slide the diamond clasps

at the same time
to the outer edge.

Remember, exactly
at the same time.

So far, so good.

Go ahead.

Now pull the handle straight up

with an even tension.

Okay.

Now comes the tricky part.

There are two models:

One, you turn the
handle clockwise,

and the other, you
turn it counterclockwise.

Which one's this?

There's no way of telling.

Take your choice.

But not to worry...

If you made a mistake,
you'll never know it.

Get back, huh?

That's a direct order.

Counterclockwise?

Roger.

You've done it. Good show.

Now the charge is
disarmed. There's no danger.

It was a pleasure
doing business with you.

Over and out.

Oh, wow.

Oh, blimey.

American money!

Ten-dollar bills!

This is what's so important?

No, it was this.

The Nazis have gone in business

for themselves, making
American money.

It's just about perfect.

Nobody would
suspect it's counterfeit.

Whoever engraved
this is a genius.

That means they could flood

all the neutral countries
with this money.

It's like having your
own key to Fort Knox.

Well, let's smash the plates.

No, the engraver'd
only make another set.

Kinch... Yeah.

Do you have some
tools with a fine edge?

Yeah, that's it.

Give it a try.

Paper.

Mm-hmm.

Now, that's what
I call a work of art.

LeBEAU: Exquisite.

Yep. If the Nazis
are passing it,

I feel it's only fair
they get credit for it.

I didn't know you
were an artist, Colonel.

Yeah, when I was a
kid, I used to practice

on billboards and posters.

All right, Newkirk,
clean off those plates.

Let's get the briefcase
back into Klink's safe.

Newkirk, go to the kitchen,

get some sandwiches and coffee

and bring it to
the tower guards.

Not Newkirk. I'll send
one of the others...

Hold it, Colonel Hogan!

You don't send, I send.

Come on, let's... let's go.

Listen, Newkirk, now, hold it!

No back talk!

That's great. That's great.

Newkirk's the only one

who has the combination
to the safe memorized.

There's a copy in
the tunnel, Colonel.

I'll go get it.

Forget it. No time.

Schlager's plane's here.

No monkey business with me.

When I give an
order, it's an order.

When I give an
order to a prisoner,

it's a command,
do you understand?

I know, Schultz.

That's why they
made you a sergeant

after only 12 years in the army.

Oh, no. "Oh, no" what?

Uh, Schultz, let
me tell you a story.

No, don't tell me any
story. What is this?

It's a very simple
story, Schultz.

What is it you saw over there?

Nothing.

What did you see
over there? What?

Nothing, Schultz! Nothing!

Colonel Hogan, I know
exactly when you are lying.

What did you see
over there? What...?

Uh-huh.

It was a parachutist.

Oh...

Which way did he go?

Where?

Colonel Hogan...

Hold it! Separate!

No talking!

You understand?

Colonel Hogan, let's go.

This has to be reported
to Commandant Klink.

All right, Schultz,
but nothing's

going to make me
betray a fellow American.

Aha! It was an American.

You let that slip out.

Darn it.

Let's go to the commandant.

And one, two,
three, four, one...

I would not come here and
disturb you, Herr Kommandant,

if it would not be a matter
of greatest importance.

What I have to say...
It is so important...

If it's so important,
get to the point.

Jawohl.

Herr Kommandant, Colonel Hogan
and I... we saw the parachutist.

Are you sure?

Yes, Herr Kommandant, we
saw him with our own eyes.

It was an American.

That man must be caught!

I'd say he's gotten what he
came for and is gone already.

The briefcase!

Oh, it's in the safe.

Want to bet?

But we were here all the time.

I'd say any man who can drop

in the middle of a prison camp

and keep 100 men
from finding him

can do most anything.

Colonel Klink, open the safe.

I want to see that
briefcase with my own eyes.

All right, all right,
Herr Schlager,

if it means that much to you.

He's blown a live
grenade! Run for your lives!

Grenade? Let me out!

False alarm! False alarm!

What? False alarm, Commandant.

It's safe. KLINK: What
do you mean, safe?

Must be a dud.

That parachutist,
he is an idiot.

He didn't even pull the pin.

Aw, you don't understand.

The Allies are trying to
win the w*r without v*olence.

Hogan, I want you to know
that I'm not through with you yet.

Why bother with me?

Schlager's off to
Berlin with his briefcase.

Your worries are over.

But yours aren't.

There's something very fishy

about the way
you've been acting.

And when I find that
parachutist of yours,

it'll be the cooler
for everybody.

You're wasting your time
looking for an American, you know.

What do you mean?

This parachute.

"Made in Berlin."

Mm-hmm, yeah, you're
going to look pretty foolish

when this gets out, Commandant.

Hogan, you're not to
mention this to anybody.

That's an order!

An order?

A request?

A request?

A suggestion?

A suggestion?

Please?