05x12 - The Antique

[bunniefuu]

Boy, there are a lot of
guards and dogs out tonight.

I wonder why.

Well, it ain't Be Kind
to Animals Week, mate.

If they find LeBeau,

I sure hope it's Be
Kind to Prisoners Week.

They won't catch LeBeau.

Not back yet?

Maybe he didn't make contact

with the agent, Colonel.

Carter, Newkirk, out the tunnel

in case LeBeau needs cover.

Yes, sir.

That agent has
enough information

to make or break the
Allied landing in France.

I guess that makes
it worth the risk.

Kinch, the only thing
that's important is victory...

Even though you may have
to sacrifice three good men.

Yes, sir.

And if they're not
back in 15 minutes,

we're going out to get them.

Right.

Hello, hello...

I didn't know the
pubs were open.

Boy, the Colonel has sure
been worried about you.

Our agent was very nervous;
I thought we'd relax a minute.

You go ahead now.

Uh, do you mind if
we relax with you?

Sorry, only have two glasses.

Well, I'll drink
out of her glass.

A girl as pretty as that,

I'd drink out of her shoe.

What girl?

I guess he means me.

How about that?

We've been together
for four hours.

That's the first time I
realized she's not a man.

Really?

Go on...

Oh, he's lovely.

Two more minutes,

we call off the whole mission.

I'll notify London.

All right.

Oh, Colonel?

Mm-hmm?

Now I know what took so long.

LeBEAU: Colonel
Hogan, Kristina Gerald.

I'm very happy to meet you.

She's Danish.

I love your pastry.

I'm afraid I have
bad news, Colonel.

What's that?

The underground courier
system has been broken.

Oh, great.

We've got agents in
Paris, Cherbourg, Le Havre,

Brussels, Amsterdam,
just waiting for these plans.

And they've got to have
them by the weekend.

I was told that you
would think of a way

to distribute them.

Yeah, with all
these guards around,

I also have to think of a way

to get you out of this camp.

Well, you shouldn't have
to strain yourself, Colonel.

You just think of a way

of getting those
plans all over Europe,

and I'll think of a
way of getting Kristina

out of the camp.

I'm bound to come
up with something

in, oh, two or three months.

Can't send the plans by radio.

An interception could
wreck the whole invasion.

How do you like my croissants?

LeBeau...

The underground
courier system is out.

How do you like my croissants?

LeBeau, do you mind?

The only way is
to send the plans

by hand to all locations,

but that means risking five men.

How do you like my croissants?

Would you please tell him

so we can get on
with World w*r II?

Mmm, I loved them.

I always say

if you can lift 'em,
you can eat 'em.

And I say that's no way
to talk to Betty Crocker.

And I say I'm not
inviting either of you

to my dinner tonight.

Carter, I thought

you were supposed to
announce our guests.

Sorry, Colonel.

Announcing Sergeant
Hans Schultz.

LeBeau, I knew you were baking.

Oh, it was driving me crazy.

You can have one, Schultz.

There's nothing like

the smell of garlic bread, huh?

Garlic bread?!

Ahh, you've struck
a nerve, Schultz.

I was only joking, LeBeau.

Give him the croissant
so he can leave.

You're going with me;

Colonel Klink wants to see you.

Who's he?

Oh, him?

He's an old buddy of
mine from Stalag 23,

just came over for a
home-cooked meal.

Jolly joker.

You should tell your
buddy to cut his curls.

Yeah, okay, Schultz.

Just a moment!

Well, if we're going to
dance, I want to lead.

We are not going to dance.

Oh, what a shame...
I do a mean waltz.

You waltz?

In Hammelburg, they call me

Die Glitterzehe.

What's that?

Das ist "Der Twinkletoes."

You? "Twinkletoes"?

Twinkletoes, they're
playing our song.

The music drives my feet crazy!

Hey, Schultz, we
better get over to Klink's

or you're going to be
waltzing in your snowshoes.

You're so right, Colonel Hogan.

♪ Auf Wiedersehen... ♪

♪ Auf Wiedersehen... ♪

Whew!

May I, uh, have
this dance, please?

Music, maestro, please.

I'm very disappointed
in you, Schultz,

frisking me, of all people.

Colonel Klink's orders.

I know nothing.

Hi, Hilda... Is our
fearless leader in?

He's waiting for you.

Would you want
me to strip, Schultz?

I may be carrying a
Luger in my shorts.

Jolly joker.

Looks like I walked in on
an Edgar G. Robinson movie.

Come in, Hogan, come in.

Mind telling me what
this is all about, sir?

General Burkhalter's orders:

Guards of prisoner-of-w*r
camps will be doubled

and all commandants are
to have personal bodyguards.

That's why you brought
in Baby Face Nelson.

In the past week,

two POW commandants were sh*t,

Colonel Bergdorf of Stalag Nine

and Colonel von
Runkel of Stalag 12.

And General Burkhalter
figures you're next, right?

I am not concerned in the least.

I suppose Schultz frisked
me looking for candy bars.

I am just doing this

to humor General Burkhalter.

Why would you want to sh**t me?

You're right, you're right...

Nobody'd want to knock you off.

Beside, von Runkel
had it coming.

He did?

He refused to give the
prisoners white bread.

Hilda!

Jawohl, Kommandant?

Double the ration of white
bread for all the prisoners.

Jawohl, Kommandant.

How long do you think

prisoners are going to
put up with a commandant

who steals their
Red Cross packages?

Oh, I'm... glad you
mentioned that, Hogan.

What's that?

I was holding this for
you for safekeeping.

Sure you were.

If I don't watch them,

these guards will
steal everything.

Not you, Hans.

Dismissed!

Hogan...

the reason I sent for you...

And I'm not
afraid... Just tell me:

What do the prisoners
really think of me?

What do we think of you?

Now, be honest:

What are they saying about me?

Took the words
right out of my mouth!

Dis... missed.

Colonel...

where did you get this clock?

What's the matter
with the clock?

I knew it... it's a boobytrap.

Wait... it's not a boobytrap.

It just may be a rare antique.

Antique?

Yeah, my mother
was an antique dealer.

This could be one of those

famous Hammelburg cuckoo clocks.

Well, as a matter of fact,

this clock did come
from Hammelburg.

No...

If you don't mind, sir,

I'd like to authenticate it.

How?

Well, first I have
to look at the bird.

The bird?

Uh-huh.

Well?

Uh-huh...

Um, Colonel...

I'll give you $25 for it.

Twenty-five dollars?

All right, 35.

Hogan, you are
wasting your time.

All right, my top offer, $50.

This is a family heirloom.

$50 and I'll throw in
the Red Cross package.

For such a rare clock?

My final offer, $100...
Take it or leave it.

$100 and the Red Cross package.

It's a deal.

Yeah, I...

only wish I could get
another one just like it.

Thank you, Hogan.

You'll be very
happy with that clock.

And some people say

you wouldn't give
them the time of day.

See you later, Colonel.

Herr Kommandant, uh...

what is he doing with
your cuckoo clock?

I sold it to him for $100.

A hundred dollars?

In Hammelburg, they
sell it for ten marks,

which is three dollars...

Shh! Not a word about
that to Colonel Hogan.

Oh, I'll say nothing.

A hundred dollars?

And they wonder why
they're losing the w*r.

Well, no Gypsy violins?

We thought in honor of our guest

we would have a
candlelight dinner, Colonel.

Well, I don't mind, but, uh...

how come Carter's the lucky one?

I'm just the lead-off man, sir.

Yeah, you see,
Colonel, we drew lots.

I have the appetizer with her.

And I get the salad.

And I sit down for the entrée.

And she gets me for dessert.

That sounds fair.

I think it's a delightful idea.

It's a shame we ran
out of courses, sir.

Oh, that's all right.

I'll go along with her when
she walks off the dinner.

Where'd you get that, sir?

Oh, I bought it
from Klink for $100.

A hundred dollars?

That looks like the ones
they sell in Hammelburg

for ten marks.

Yeah, but it's a
good investment.

I'm going to put Klink

in the cuckoo clock business.

A hundred dollars?

That clock isn't the only thing

around here that's cuckoo.

Come in, come in.

You sent for me, Colonel?

Yes, Hogan.

Don't tell me you found

another one of those
rare old cuckoo clocks, sir.

Don't ask me how,
but I managed to do it.

That certainly
looks authentic, sir.

Go see for yourself...
Check the bird.

Uh-huh... uh-huh...

Uh-oh...

What's the matter?

It's phony, sir.

What do you mean?

Look at the bird.

His eyes are too close together.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

The eyes are close together.

Come to think of
it, so are yours, sir.

Schultz? Schultz?!

Herr Kommandant?

Bring in the other clock.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

You've got another clock, sir?

Hogan... I was just testing you.

I know that's not
a rare old clock.

Oh, you're foxy.

All right, Schultz,

bring it in, bring it in.

Thank you.

Thank you very much, Schultz.

There we are.

Now, check this bird.

Well, well?

Mmm... huh?

Yeah, yeah, that's...

that's a genuine antique
Hammelburg cuckoo bird.

I knew it, Hogan;
it's in the eyes.

Yeah. Well, here's
your hundred dollars, sir.

Never mind; this
clock is not for sale.

You're cruel, sir, taunting
me with that rare antique.

Since you were kind enough

to let me know how
valuable they are,

I have decided to go into
the cuckoo clock business.

You're kidding.

I know where I can lay my hands

on 50 such clocks,
and I'm sending them

to an antique dealer in Paris.

Wrong.

I should do wonderful business

with so many German
tourists there now.

Give me back my
hundred dollars, sir,

and I'll tell you how
to do a better business.

Hogan, I do not
need your advice.

All right, just trying
to give you the benefit

of my mother's 30 years
in the antique business.

All right.

If you have a very good
idea, I'll give you $50.

A hundred dollars and my
Red Cross package back.

All right.

All right, now, the first
rule in rare cuckoo clocks

is not to flood the market.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What you do is send one clock

to an antique
dealer in each city.

Yeah, yeah. What cities?

Yeah, let's see now...

Paris, Le Havre, Cherbourg,
Brussels and Amsterdam

are best for antiques.

Then you just sit back

and wait for the
reorders to roll in.

Hogan, that's a very good idea.

Always leave them
wanting more, sir.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Herr Kommandant,
Herr Kommandant.

General Burkhalter's car
just came through the gate.

General Burkhalter
is coming here?

Ja.

It's best that
Burkhalter doesn't know

you're in the cuckoo
clock business, sir.

You're right, Hogan.

Schultz, take the
clocks out of my car

and put them in the supply room.

Wrong! The guards
will steal them there.

No offense, Schultz.

Hogan, you're right again.

Take them and put
them in my quarters.

No, better yet, put them
in the guest room closet.

Yeah, yeah.

Schultz, I'll take
four more clocks

to the barracks with me.

Why four more clocks?

Check the eyes in the birds.

If they're authentic, I'll
have Hilda send them out

with the next courier.

Very good, Hogan,

very good.

You clumsy oaf!

Is he a clumsy oaf to
show respect for an officer?

No, General Burkhalter,
I was just afraid

he might have dropped
the box on your foot.

Out with the box, Schultz.

What is in that box?!

Colonel Klink just passed
out the Red Cross packages.

If von Ronkel had done
it, he would be alive today.

And so would Hesselrote.

Hesselrote?

He got it yesterday
at Stalag 23.

Aw, you don't have to worry.

No one would try to
knock off Colonel Klink.

They won't get a chance.

By the time I leave tomorrow,

this camp will be safe
enough for the Führer.

Did you say tomorrow?

Yes.

Where are you going to stay?

In your guest
room... where else?

Oh, yes, of course,
my guest room.

It slipped my mind.

Klink!

What is it, General?

Where is your bodyguard?

You read my orders.

Really, General, there is
no need for a bodyguard.

The prisoners love me.

They have their Red Cross
packages, white bread...

Klink!

You are the one commandant
who should have a bodyguard,

a bulletproof vest and
your office in a t*nk.

All right, Kristina, you got
those plans for the underground?

Ja, Colonel, here they are.

Pass them along.

Put a set of plans in
each of the clocks, fellas.

How are they going
to be delivered?

Through the courtesy
of Wilhelm Klink,

the grand old man
of antique dealers.

Klink went for your plan, huh?

Like a ton of sauerbraten.

I'd better contact
the underground.

Right.

Here's a list of
the antique dealers

who are going to be
receiving the clocks.

Tell them they're going
out tonight by courier.

Okay.

Colonel Hogan, I'm grateful

for your hospitality,

but I think I should
be leaving now.

Oh, you're safer
here with us, love.

Yeah, our home is your home.

I'll make some
curtains for the window;

you'll love it.

She's right... if we
don't get her out tonight,

we may never have the chance.

The area's swarming with guards!

We'll stage a diversion.

It's not going to be that easy
with General Burkhalter here.

Maybe we should wait
till Burkhalter leaves.

On the other hand,

Burkhalter may be the
answer to our problem.

Need a couple of men for a job.

Who's good at
winding cuckoo clocks?

Come in, Quiche Lorraine.

Mama Bear calling
Quiche Lorraine.

Come in, please.

Contact the underground yet?

Nothing yet, Colonel.

Mama Bear, this
is Quiche Lorraine.

This is it.

Go ahead, Quiche Lorraine.

I have received your message

and the names of
the antique dealers,

but we do not know
what we are to pick up.

I repeat, one
Hammelburg cuckoo clock.

Mama Bear, we cannot find
"cuckoo clock" in the code book.

Quiche Lorraine, it's
not in the code book.

We're talking about a real
Hammelburg cuckoo clock.

I'm afraid I do not
understand "cuckoo clock."

LeBeau, explain to her in
your native tongue, huh?

Right.

Hello, Mademoiselle...
un coucou.

C'est une pendule avec
un petit oiseau à l'intérieur,

et a chaque heure le petit
oiseau sort de la pendule

et il fait,

Comment vous appelez-vous

et quel est votre
numéro de téléphone?

Ah, oui, je compris.

Jeannine Bobinet,

Sablon neuf, neuf, neuf, cinq.

Over and out.

My high school French tells me

you just got her name
and phone number.

We French people always mix
a little business with pleasure.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, blimey.

Boy, it's a miracle.

Everything go all right?

Yeah, we crawled
to barracks three...

We got pinned down
by the search lights.

But we crawled
under the barracks

and through the
delousing station,

and we got to Klink's quarters

just before they
released the dogs.

We were winding the clocks
and old Schultz came in.

So we jumped out
through the back window.

It was only a 20-foot drop.

And when Newkirk came to,

we crawled past the
machine g*n emplacements

and jumped over the
electric warning wire.

We... we got back here

while they were
changing the guard.

In other words, just
a routine mission.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's... that's right.

Now, is there anything
I can get you, General,

before you go to sleep...

Perhaps a glass of warm milk?

Warm milk?!

Ah, I always have a
glass before bedtime;

makes me sleep like a baby.

Take my word, Klink, this is
no time to be a sound sleeper.

Oh, I appreciate
your concern, General,

but I can assure you,
you need not worry

about my life being in danger.

I'm not worried about your life.

If they get you, I am next.

Oh, excuse me, General,

but another blanket,
in case it gets cold.

Thank you.

Take off my boots.

Yes, General Burkhalter.

Not you... Schultz!

Well, I thought perhaps that
the sergeant would tuck you in

while I'm taking... Quiet!

What is it?

Can't you hear?

Oh, you mean that funny noise
that sounds like clocks ticking?

Yes.

I don't hear it.

Oh, I can hear it.

Quiet!

And it sounds as if it's coming

from this closet.

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, Colonel,

not from that closet.

Schultz is right, the ticking
isn't coming from this closet.

They have planted a time b*mb.

Maybe it's in the drawer.

I see nothing.

Excuse me, gent...

Hogan, not now, please.

It's rather important, sir.

Colonel Hogan, not now.

We are looking for a time b*mb.

Wait a minute.

If the prisoners set a
time b*mb in my room,

their leader would not be here.

That's very clever of
you, General, very clever.

You see why we're
winning the w*r, Hogan.

It's great minds like
General Burkhalter.

It could be a time b*mb.

What?!

The Gestapo's always
pulling stunts like that,

and you know how
they feel about generals.

Hogan is right.

Guards!

Guards!

Fire squad, bring the hose.

General Burkhalter,
why don't you sleep

in my quarters tonight?

I'll sleep here, huh?

Guards!

Fire squad, bring the hose.

There you go, Kristina.

There you go.

It was nice meeting you.

I sure enjoyed our dinner.

Well, it was nice
meeting all of you.

Thank you for everything.

Hope we see you again real soon.

Hey, now that you know where
we are, don't be a stranger.

Hey, wait a minute, my hat.

Come on.

Believe me, General,
there is no time b*mb.

We've looked everywhere.

Quiet!

It sounds like it's
coming from the closet.

I've looked there already.

Then we'll look again.

Fire detail!

Ticking comes from these boxes.

Drench the boxes.

Not in the closet!

Out of the way, Klink.

All right, that's
enough, fellas.

Yeah, that's fine.

That does it.

Quiet!

The ticking has stopped.

I knew it would.

What was it?

It was just your basic,
everyday Gestapo time b*mb.

It still might go off.

I'll sleep in your
quarters tonight, Klink.

Come, Schultz.

Nice work, fellas.

Thank you, sir. Thank you, sir.

Oh, Commandant, as
long as we have the hose,

anything else you
want watered down?

Uh... I think
that'll be all, fellas.

Thank you.

Night, sir.

Night, sir.

My antique clocks...
They're ruined.

Don't be too sure, sir.

Oh, Colonel.

We just got word
from the underground.

Kristina is safe and they
got the four cuckoo clocks.

Four?

Yeah, they're going
to have to steal

the other one, the
one that went to Paris.

How come?

Well, the dealer said
it was a real antique,

not for sale.

A real antique?!

Yeah, he said you
could tell by the eyes.

Colonel Hogan, please,
Commandant Klink is waiting.

Wanted to see me, Colonel?

Ah, Hogan, please,
sit down, sit down.

I'm terribly sorry about
what happened last night.

Just when you had the antique
cuckoo clock market sewed up.

That's what I wanted
to see you about.

What's that?

A statue of Brunhilde
of Hammelburg.

Brunhilde of Hammelburg?

Oh, yes, very famous
in local history...

The only girl in town
to date Attila the Hun.

Now...

if this is a real antique, I know
where I can get some more.

I'll take it back to
the barracks and see.

Why take it back to
the barracks, huh?

I'm a cuckoo clock man, myself.

LeBeau's our man
in stomach clocks.

He...