05x16 - Get Fit or Go Fight

[bunniefuu]

Oh, I'm sorry you can't
stay longer, liebchen.

So am I, but General
Burkhalter needs me

and I don't have the
heart to disappoint him.

Of course not.

How often does the general
come to you for advice?

Almost every day.

I finally said to Burkhalter...

"Albert," I said,

"I'm only going to see
you once every week."

He has to learn to
make his own decisions.

You should be the
general instead of him.

Oh, that's so true.

You know, it's
not what you know,

it's who you know.

These boys polish the car
every time I come to see you.

Hero worship.

Did you hear that, Schultz?

The boys think I'm a hero.

The joke is on them,
Herr Kommandant.

I don't think it's that funny.

Jawohl.

In fact, it is not funny at all.

I'll see you Thursday, Greta.

Auf weidersehen.

Schultz!

Finished?

So soon?

Have a pleasant time, sir?

This car was cleaned
before we left town.

But you did drive
back with it, sir? Yes.

In this same car? Of course.

There's your answer.

I don't remember
asking you a question.

Your car will be
clean as a Dutch oven.

Just take a few minutes.

LeBeau, did you wipe
off those hubcaps?

Inside and out, Colonel.

It's the little things

that make our
work distinctive, sir.

Right, LeBeau?

Right, sir.

When we do a job,
there is no detail

too small to be overlooked.

Now you can use
it on either eye, sir.

Yeah.

Wow, they covered the
entire German coast defense.

Troop concentration,
g*n placements, the works.

Nice bit of gossip
to pass on to London.

Oh, the film was
wrapped in this note.

I think it's important.

Did you read it?

Well, it was addressed

"To whom it may concern,"

and since I was, I did.

Yeah, that's
exactly what I said.

Well, that's not
exactly what I said.

Actually, I said...

LeBEAU: Carter.

What's the message, Colonel?

Tomorrow they'll have locations
of the new J-4 rocket bases.

But they've got to be picked
up no later than Friday.

They're closing down.

Those guys are magicians.

That's been a
top-priority job for months.

The new underground
unit is sharp.

Bloody lucky their people
are there working with us.

We're bloody lucky to
have Colonel Klink with us.

His spare tire
made it all possible.

It's an outrage!

Over 200 escapes from
our prison camps this year.

It's an outrage.

More than we have ever

had before in all
the years combined.

And the year
isn't even over yet.

That's funny to you?

Funny? No, it's not
funny. It's an outrage.

Then why are you
grinning like a baboon?

Oh, it isn't because
of the escapes, sir.

I was just thinking how
pleased you must be

about my no-escape record.

That's why I was
grinning like a baboon.

Klink!

I didn't come here to listen

to you talk about yourself.

Now shut up, sit
down and listen!

Now, Klink, who is to
blame for these escapes?

The prisoners who escape

are to blame for the escapes.

No. The Kommandant.

Of course.

Far be it from me to
criticize my fellow officers.

I mean the Kommandant
must be all things at all times.

Ah, how well I remember

when I took command
here at Stalag 13...

Klink.

You were saying?

It seems that some
of our Kommandants

have become playboys.

They have turned their
stalags into summer camps.

Outrageous.

They sit around all day,
drinking their schnapps.

Well, the party's over.

These playboys are
in for a big surprise.

Good. What have we
got planned for them?

A thorough physical
for each officer.

Those who don't
pass will be sent away

for a two-month
toughening up course.

Sent away where?

To the Russian
front, where else?

Seems to get marvelous results.

A few days there and
you're a different man.

So I've heard.

What do you think
of the idea, Klink?

I like it. I like it.

That's fine.

Your examination will
be one week from today.

My examination?

But, General Burkhalter,
there's nothing wrong with me.

Then you have nothing
to worry about, Klink.

One week from today, 10:00.

Have you ever
heard such a thing?

Kommandant, I have
heard, nothing... nothing!

You weren't standing outside
with your ear against the door?

Yes, but I fell asleep.

General Burkhalter's having all
Kommandants take a physical.

And I'm afraid some
of them will end up

at the Russian front.

Aw, but you don't have
to worry, Kommandant...

You won't pass.

If I don't, I'll end up there.

And guess what fat sergeant
will be carrying my snowshoes?

Why won't I pass?

Aw, Kommandant, please.

You were living it up,

dancing and
drinking every night.

Herr Kommandant,
you are a wreck!

I passed my last physical.

Yeah, if you remember,
you had to give the doctor

a case of schnapps,

and a dozen pair
of nylon stockings.

Hi, Schultz.

Halt. Who goes there?

The Kaiser.

Oh, jolly joke.

Why the armed guard?

Orders by the Kommandant.

He's in there.

He does not want
to be disturbed.

He gave me orders to sh**t
anyone who tries to go in.

Help! What's that?

I think the Kommandant
was yelling something.

Kommandant?

What are you trying to do?

Right now I am just
trying to breathe.

Schultz, get this off me.

Yes, Herr Kommandant.

Are you all right?

Of course I'm all right.

I just tripped, that's all.

I shouldn't have handed
you this heavy weight.

I wasn't thinking.

That's the way I took them.

Now you get back to your post

and don't mention
this to a soul.

Yes, Herr Kommandant,
I'll say nothing. Nothing.

Uh, Schultz?

Oh, yeah.

Here, let me pour
you some water.

Never mind. I'm capable
of pouring my own water.

I know you are, sir.

It's just that your
hands were trembling.

I, uh, take it all
this has to do with

General Burkhalter's visit, huh?

All of what?

Kommandant, we've been together

quite a while, haven't we?

Yes, we have.

You'd never find an
enemy truer than I've been?

You're tops, Hogan.

I'd never say anything
to spare your feelings?

That's right.

All right, what's
all this about?

What's all what about?

Kommandant, you're answering

a question with a question.

I know you're hiding something.

Who's answering a
question with a question?

All right, I'm sorry
for disturbing you.

I'm glad everything's all right.

Hogan.

Yes, sir?

Hogan, I want you to
be absolutely honest.

Now, tell me the
truth even if it hurts.

You know I'll be as
brutal as possible, sir.

What kind of condition am I in?

Now look as long as you like

and take your time
before you answer.

I've seen enough.

Thanks, Hogan.
You've been a big help.

You wanted me to be honest.

I'm scheduled to take
a physical next week,

and if I don't pass it,
there's a good chance

that I'll be sent to
the Russian front.

You're kidding me.

You must be kidding.

You're not kidding.

Look, we Germans have stopped

making Russian front
jokes last November.

Don't worry, Kommandant.

No doctor in his right mind

would send a physical
wreck like you into combat.

If I don't pass that physical,

that's exactly
where I'll end up.

That's why you're
in the gym suit.

Yes, and I'm going
to stay in it, too.

From now on, no
more going to town.

It's all work, no play,

until I pass that
physical next week.

Oh, Kommandant, a man
with your robust health.

Hmm! A minute ago I was a wreck.

Just clowning,
sir, just clowning.

See, sometimes
it's best to laugh

in the face of disaster.

I see what you mean.

And sometimes
when you're facing it,

I will laugh my head off.

You want to try the
barbells again, sir?

I'm just gonna roll
them away. I'll try later.

Oh, wait, wait a
minute, Kommandant!

Oh, look at this, look
at this. No wonder.

You've got too
much weight on here.

Oh, I see.

Yeah. You're lucky you
didn't sprain your back.

Good, good.

Yeah, that's... that's
perfect to start with.

Thank you, Hogan.

I'll, I'll go right to work.

Yeah, but don't
overdo it the first day...

Muscles.

Colonel Hogan, how's
the Kommandant?

Schultz, I think he's...

Help!

I think he's gonna need help.

Help!!

You really think old Klink
could pass a physical?

He's going to have
to think he can,

and before Friday
or no rocket locations.

Hey, LeBeau, hurry it up.

LeBEAU: Right away, Colonel!

Of course Klink
might surprise us.

You know, he had to
be in good condition

when he joined the Luftwaffe.

That was a long while back.

He goes to pot pretty fast.

Yeah, just since
we've been here,

look how much
weight he's put on.

Look at all the
hair he's taken off.

LeBeau!

Ready, Colonel.

Look, I did a pretty good
job hollowing these out.

Uh-oh, here comes
the body beautiful.

I heard a very
funny story yesterday

all about...

No funny story, Schultz.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

It seems the weather
is getting warmer...

No weather
conversation, Schultz.

Jawohl.

No humming, Schultz.

No whistling, Schultz.

What's going on there?

Achtung! What's going on here?

The Kommandant ordered...

Hogan, what is this?

Shh-shh!

Corporal LeBeau is giving us

a weightlifting
exhibition, Colonel.

You-you might be
interested in this.

I understand you lift weights.

No, I just lie under them.

LeBeau may be
able to help you, sir.

LeBeau, come here a minute.

A little wobbly in that
200-pound press, wasn't I?

You mean you
can lift 200 pounds?

You don't lift that, Herr
Kommandant, you press.

What's the difference?

Well, if I tried to
lift 200 pounds,

I'd wind up flat on my back.

Is that so?

Oui, I'd be off-balance.

The whole trick is
in the first movement.

I'll show you what I mean.

You start by jerking
the weights up

and getting under them
where you've got leverage.

Then you press.

I see what you mean now.

All right, stand back, fellas.

Give the Kommandant room.

Me?

I couldn't even get
it off the ground.

A bull of a man like
you could do it easy.

I mean, if I was
in your condition,

I'd be able to lift at
least 300 pounds.

Not "lifting", "pressing."

Get it right, Hogan.

See, how quickly
you caught on, sir.

Come on, Colonel,
try it just once.

Go ahead, sir.

Go ahead, sir.

Watch it. If anyone
smiles, sh**t them.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Where did it go?

You're holding it, sir.

Have you seen
anything to b*at that?

I think Colonel Klink's
been kidding us all along.

Yeah, sure.

What a bunch of patsies we are.

You can stop showing
off now, Kommandant.

Well, you sure waited till you
had a big crowd, didn't you?

It's all in the
knowing how, Hogan.

Tens over aces.

How can you be that lucky?

Come on, deal the last hand.

Ridiculous.

Hey, stop fooling around,
Andrew, and play cards.

Come on, join us.

Good news, gamblers.

Just got it from Hilda.
Klink's going into town tonight.

Hey, it worked.

Like a charm.

He thinks he's in
such great shape,

he's earned some relaxation.

And when he comes back,

he'll be bringing the locations

of the J-4 rockets.

Champagne and
hubcaps for everybody.

Achtung! Achtung!

Ah, we can do without
the m*llitary courtesy tonight.

All of you stay seated.

As you were, gentlemen.

A little late for you to be
up, isn't it, Kommandant?

Oh, I thought I'd
take a run into town,

let off a little steam.

You can't stay cooped
up in this place forever.

I'm beginning to feel
like I'm in a prison camp.

Very funny. Very funny.

Thank you, Schultz.

Yes, you're certainly in a
happy mood, Kommandant.

Oh, yes, I'm very happy.

I always say a healthy
body is a happy body.

That was not a joke, Schultz.

Absolutely not.

Well, after what
we saw today, sir,

I don't think that you
have any reason to worry

about a physical examination.

Oh, there are no complaints
from a man my age.

Oh, come on, Kommandant,
you don't look old.

How... old do you think
I am, Sergeant, hmm?

Well, I-I have no idea,

but you sure don't look it.

Take a guess.

Oh, why don't we just
wait till your birthday

and you surprise me.

Guess my age!

Yes, sir.

Well, I'm, uh...

I'm just guessing, mind you.

Uh... 59?

59.

And you sure don't look it.

How close was I?

You were ten years off.

You mean you're 69?!

My gosh, you really
don't look that old.

Would you guys ever think
the Kommandant was 69?

I know I never would.

I happen to be 49 years old.

49? Oh, well,
that's more like it.

And you sure don't look it.

I know, I look 59.

Schultz, put my car
away; I'm going to bed.

I thought you were
going into town, sir.

That was ten years ago.

Hey, Kommandant,

a workout would do
you the world of good.

Yes, sir, and I got
your weights right here.

Well, there goes the ball game.

And the location of
the bloody J-4 rockets.

Great work, Carter.

I'm, I'm sorry.

I'm just awful at judging ages.

I remember one time back home...

Oh, shut up.

Any point in trying
again, Colonel?

Yeah, we got to and by Friday.

He's got to think he
can pass that physical

or he doesn't go into town.

Is there anything
I can do to help?

Aah, shut up.

Hogan, you made
a big fool out of me.

Do you know how I felt?

I was just trying
to help you, sir,

and it backfired. I'm sorry.

Ha. Those fake barbells,

they were supposed to help me?

That's right, we were
using basic psychology.

You are what you think you are.

Right now, I feel like a man

with both feet in a
pair of snowshoes.

Kommandant, stop having
such negative thinking.

The Russian front is
a very negative place.

Forget about the Russian front.

You've got to think positively.

For a few minutes
each day, say to yourself,

"I feel fine, I feel good.

I feel good, I feel fine."

Go on, try it.

I feel fine, I feel good.
I feel good, I feel fine.

Yeah. "I'm in fine
health. I'm in great shape.

I'm in great health.
I'm in fine shape."

I'm in fine shape.
I'm in great health.

I'm in great shape.

I'm in fine health.

I'm in a fine mess
and I'm in great trouble.

Colonel, you've got to
be confident, positive.

I'm confident that
I'm in a fine mess.

And I'm positive that
I'm in great trouble.

Come on, as least
give our plan a chance.

Will you, sir?

Attention!

This is your
training staff, sir.

My training staff?

They did this all for you.

Yes, sir, don't
worry about a thing.

We're going to get
you in tip-top shape

for that physical, sir.

Uh, I'm afraid

I don't have enough time.

Oh, that's easy.

With our system,
you get four of us

giving you the workout.

That means you get
four times the results

four times as fast.

In just four days,

you get the equivalent

of 16 days exercise.

And a 16-day workout

ought to put any man
into prime condition.

What do you got to lose, sir?

Remember, sir, a healthy
body is a happy body.

I'm all yours.

You'll never regret it, sir.

Oh, no, no.

Hold it, Colonel.

You're not getting it yet.

It's a combination of left jabs

and an overhand right. Ooh!

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight,

nine, ten...

Okay, Kommandant.

Now over on our stomach
for a couple of pushups here.

Here we go.

Ready? Begin.

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight,

nine, ten, 11, 12, 13...

Relax, sir.

Come on, that's... it.

That's it, just let those
tight arms hang loose.

Perfect.

All right, now come on, relax.

Let those little heavy
legs just fall limp.

Come on.

There you go.

Just relax.

Your breakfast, Herr Kommandant.

Aha!

Two eggs sunny
side up, slice of ham

and six sausages,

just as you ordered.

I only ordered three sausages.

Oh, don't worry,
Herr Kommandant.

Any leftover...

I'll handle it. I'll handle it.

Come in, come in.

Morning, Kommandant.

Morning, Hogan.

I'm very busy. I'm
having breakfast.

Yes, you are, sir, but not that.

What? What? What?

This is for you.

That's breakfast?

Power packed with nutrition,

loaded with vitamins
and minerals.

Drink it down fast
before it hardens.

All right.

Mmm.

You know, Hogan, I must admit...

I really feel good, and I...

in I don't how long.

You're a different person.

Hey, delicious sausages.

Mm, I really feel
alive. Really alive.

Nice to know you're
going to stay that way.

Hey, the eggs
aren't bad, either.

Well, let's get over to the gym.

Not today.

Today I suggest
you go into town,

relax, enjoy yourself.

But my physical is
tomorrow morning.

Relaxation's just as important

as exercise, sir.

Oh, don't worry.

I will do all the relaxing
after I've seen the doctor.

Right now I'm going
over to the gym

and work off that breakfast.

And he just won't go.

Is there any way
we can get in touch

with the underground unit?

Impossible.

No personal contact...
No radio, no telephone,

no written correspondence.

It's the way they operate.

The only chance we have is
if Klink goes into town today.

Yeah, he's not going anywhere

until after he's seen
that doctor tomorrow.

Well, I guess we've had it.

Wait a minute. Hold it.

Suppose the doctor came today

instead of tomorrow.

Would it be possible?

And what happens

if Klink doesn't
pass the physical?

No chance.

That doctor's not going to
find a thing wrong with Klink.

Is he, Carter?

Colonel Klink is the
finest physical specimen

I have ever seen

in all my 30
minutes as a doctor.

Yes, you were...

expecting me, weren't
you, Colonel Klink?

Oh, yes. Tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

No, I'm sure it was today.

However, let me check.

Let's see.

Yes, Klink.

Klink. Klink.

Colonel Wilhelm Klink, phys ex.

That's a medical term

for physical examination.

Phys ex. Oh.

You see, "10:00 a.m.,
Thursday, the 16th."

No, I am sure the
General said Friday.

Yes, well, it doesn't
matter, does it?

Place yourself on the table so.

Yes. Now then,

have you ever been
troubled by blurred vision,

uh, dizziness, headaches?

No. Never.

Only occasional
lapses of memory, eh?

Open your shirt, please.

Yes, sir.

How am I?

Well, to put it bluntly,

I would say your physical
condition is not too bad.

Not too bad?

But if you think
it's not too bad,

then it must be good.

Not necessarily.

Then that's bad.

Not really.

But what is it,
good, bad or what?

Not too good. Oh.

But not too bad.

I wish I hadn't asked.

What's the matter, Schultz?

There's a Major
Kimmel at the front gate

to see, uh, Colonel Klink.

Major Kimmel?

He's a medical officer.

Medical officer?

Ja. He wants to give
him his physical today

instead of tomorrow.

Schultz, I want you to
stall him for three minutes.

Then the Kommandant can see him.

Yeah, but why?

We're trying to save Klink
from the Russian front.

And if we save him...

You will save me.

Right. Now get going.

Raus, raus.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

I mean, Colonel.

Oh, I don't know

what this w*r would
be without him.

Sergeant, get out of my way.

Major, uh... if you give
me, uh, 37 seconds,

I can explain the
whole misunderstanding.

What misunderstanding?

The misunderstanding
we seem to be having.

I can explain to you, Major,

if you give me, uh, 24 seconds.

Sergeant, if you don't
get out of my way,

I shall have you
court-martialed.

Do you hear me? Jawohl, Major!

Then step to one side.

Jawohl!

Sergeant, step aside.

Sergeant...

Now the Kommandant
will see you, Major.

Colonel Klink?

Come right in, Doctor.

I'm all ready for you.

Okay, let's go.

Oh, Kommandant.

Have a good time in town, sir?

Oh, yes.

Ran into an old friend.

Uh-huh. We had a few drinks.

You know how it is.

I've almost forgotten.

It's been a long w*r, sir.

Hey, I like your old friend's

shade of lipstick.

Well, anyway, uh...

no Russian front, you
passed your physical.

Oh, yes, and just to prove

how little these doctors know,

the report says I
have brown eyes.

Well, don't let
it worry you, sir.

Oh, it doesn't.

Yup, no matter what they say,

you'll always be
"little blue eyes" to us.