05x19 - Gowns by Yvette

[bunniefuu]

Nectar of the gods.

Mmm.

Sheer ambrosia.

Mmm... LeBeau,
you've done it again.

Well, I'm glad somebody
likes your cooking.

Would you like to
taste this bouillabaisse?

No, I don't want
to spoil me lunch.

If I thought for one
moment you were serious...

Here.

No, I haven't been well.

Come on.

Hey, that smells like fish stew.

It's bouillabaisse
à la Marseillaise.

Oh.

Cor. Well, it loses something
in the translation, mate.

Oh, that's horrible.

I should have
know better than to...

What did you put
in there, hair oil?

What do you mean,
what'd I put in there?

You'd be locked
up in the British Isles

if you gave that to people.

Don't let the Germans
get that, mate. Thanks.

They'll win the
w*r in six months.

Hold it, hold it!

What seems to be the problem?

I made the mistake of
asking an Englishman

to taste a gourmet dish.

It's not a gourmet
dish; it's ruddy fish stew!

That, from a man who thinks

overcooked mutton
is a taste treat.

How about a short truce

till Newkirk sews
up my torn sleeve?

Just take a minute, sir.

Colonel, I want you to
taste my bouillabaisse.

Don't go by me... I'm a peanut
butter and jelly man myself.

I trust your taste, Colonel.

All right.

Here.

Hot?

Oh, yes, hot... but delicious.

Actually, they didn't have
exactly what I needed.

I always put in
the head of an eel.

That would have made it for me.

Colonel, there's a message
coming in from the underground.

Mm-hmm.

Qu'est-ce que
c'est peanut putter?

You peasant.

This is Papa Bear.

We read you loud and clear.

Go ahead.

Roger, Goldilocks.

We'll get back to you.

Oh, by the way, on
your next air drop,

we'll need some a*t*matic
weapons, expl*sives and radios.

What?

Put it on Colonel Hogan's bill.

Over and out.

This is an expensive w*r.

What's the message?

"Underground sending
contact to Hammelburg.

"Will arrive Saturday.

"Information on mobile
rocket launching factory.

Top priority."

They're putting those
things on wheels?

Yeah, and once they roll
out, they'll be tough to find.

Where's the rendezvous?

The Hauserhof, room 606.

He's attending a wedding there.

A wedding?

And his orders are to give
the message only to Papa Bear.

Hey, it looks like
you're going to be

a wedding guest, Colonel.

It's not going to be easy.

The guests are going to
be watched like a hawk.

You worried about
getting by the Gestapo?

No, the father of the bride.

He's the one paying
for the wedding.

We got to figure some way
I can crash that wedding.

Don't worry about it, sir.

I'm bound to come up
with something brilliant

the moment I put me mind to it.

Ever eaten bouillabaisse, Kinch?

Of course, in New Orleans.

I love it.

Taste this.

Well, it's pretty good, LeBeau,

but there's something missing.

But, of course...
The head of an eel.

They always put
that in bouillabaisse.

You had to tell me that, huh?

There we are, sir.

All finished.

Thanks, Newkirk.

Hey, that's a
good job of sewing.

Well, thank you, sir.

Yeah.

That groom would be
lucky to get you as a bride.

Hogan, I've got to talk
to you, it's very important.

Go right ahead.

In your office... it's personal.

Excuse me, fellas.

I think the commandant
wants to surrender.

Well, what seems to be
the problem, Commandant?

I'm being trapped
into a marriage.

Oh.

Little blonde waitress
at the Haufbrau?

No.

Tall brunette
manicurist at the hotel?

No.

Give me a hint.

She's short and squat.

Burkhalter's sister, Gertrude.

Right.

Congratulations, Commandant,

you're getting a
lot of woman there.

Please, Hogan, no jokes.

You're looking at
a desperate man.

I need help.

A little late for
that, isn't it?

What'd you propose
for in the first place?

Who proposed?

This morning, General
Burkhalter sent an order,

saying he was coming
here with a wedding party,

and I'm to make
all the arrangements

at the Hauserhof.

Hauserhof?

Yes...

the grand ballroom,

the scene of some of
my greatest triumphs.

Do you remember, Hogan,

only last week, I told
you about that dance?

You mean the Stormtrooper Stomp?

Ja, ja.

There I was, surrounded
by beautiful women.

Twice I ran out of ink
writing down phone numbers.

Hogan, you've got to help me.

I think marriage

will be good for
you, Commandant.

That is a terrible
thing to say...

even to an enemy.

It's about time you settle down.

Really, if you ever
want to be general,

you have to get rid
of that playboy image.

Hogan, I guess I misjudged you.

I always thought of
you as a romantic.

I'm also a realist.

Your luck has run out.

Try to back out of
this marriage again,

Burkhalter'll send you
to Russia like a sh*t.

Forget it.

I'll figure a way
out of this myself.

I'd hate to see the playboy
of the Western world

wind up a colonel
on the Eastern Front.

What was all that
about then, sir?

It's Klink that's getting
married at the Hauserhof.

Wow!

He doesn't seem very happy.

It's Burkhalter's sister again.

He's better off on
the Russian Front.

Works out very nicely for us.

Now I'm sure I'll get an
invitation to the wedding.

The way I look at it,

we're not losing a
camp commandant,

we're gaining an
underground agent.

Frau Hilda, any messages for me?

Oh, General Burkhalter
and the wedding party

have arrived in Hammelburg.

They're here already?

Well, General Burkhalter
will be here any minute.

I'll be in my office.

Herr Kommandant,
congratulations.

I just heard the good news.

Please, Schultz.

Oh, Herr Kommandant,

you are going to
get a wonderful girl.

I know, I know.

Ah, and she looks so healthy.

She seems to have
such a wonderful appetite.

Yes, she does.

And she's also a
very athletic woman.

I understand she got a
lot of medals for sh*t put.

Dismissed.

Oh!

Achtung!

Colonel Klink.

General Burkhalter,
congratulations on the marriage.

Thank you, Schultz.

Oh, I...

I just noticed.

Oh, she's the spitting image

of you, General Burkhalter.

Oh, you could be twins!

Dismissed.

Have you started
making the arrangements

for the wedding, Klink?

Yes, I have, sir.

But there is something
I must discuss with you.

What is that?

Well, I don't have to tell you

how lucky a man would
be to get Gertrude for a wife.

She's a wonderful woman...

Jolly disposition...

great sh*t-putter.

Get to the point.

Well, you see, sir,

this is very difficult
for me to say,

but, uh, I feel in my heart

that I am not
worthy of Gertrude.

I feel the same way.

Then why do you
want me to marry her?

Are you crazy, Klink?

It's my niece, Frieda,

and she's marrying
Count von Hertzel.

Count von Hertzel?

Do you think I would ever
let a Burkhalter marry a Klink?

But I understand
that Count von Hertzel

is going to the Russian Front.

He has changed his mind.

I mean, uh, his orders
have been changed.

Oh, this must indeed be
a happy day for you, sir.

My congratulations.

Never mind.

I just want you to
make the arrangements.

I assure you, sir,

that everything will
be taken care of.

Oh, sorry to break
in on you, sir,

but when my men
heard the good news,

they wanted me
to congratulate you.

Thank you, Colonel.

Uh, Hogan, the news is
even better than you think.

His niece, Frieda,

is marrying Count von Hertzel.

Oh?

And I want the
best of everything.

Now, let me see...

Klink... how much
wine do you have?

What a pity.

My supply's so
low, all I've got left is

one small bottle of Mozel.

Say, what about that
case of champagne

I saw being delivered yesterday?

Champagne?

It slipped my mind.

Thank you for
reminding me, Hogan.

What can we have

in the way of hors d'oeuvres?

I can offer you two
cans of anchovies.

There's no sense dipping

into those jars of
caviar just for a wedding.

He's absolutely right.

I forgot I had all that caviar.

It's a good thing
Colonel Hogan is here.

You seem to have
lost your memory.

I assure you, General,
nothing is too good

for Frieda and
Count von Hertzel.

Then you'll offer
that side of prime beef

you have in your
private food locker, sir?

Believe me, General, I was
just about to do that for you.

Good.

Well, that takes
care of the menu.

We will discuss the
other details later.

Excuse me, General,

but, uh, how's your niece
fixed for a bridal gown?

She said she will buy it at the
department store in Hammelburg.

A bridal gown off the rack...

with Yvette of Paris in town?

Yvette of Paris?

Mm-hmm.

The famous fashion designer?

Where is she?

In my barracks.

In your barracks?!

Better known to all of us
as Corporal Louis LeBeau.

I am Yvette of Paris?

I sold Burkhalter on the idea

that you're the great
Parisian couturier,

and you're going to create

an exclusive wedding
dress for his niece,

who happens to
weigh in at 210 pounds.

There's two things
wrong with that, Colonel.

One, LeBeau doesn't know
how to design a wedding gown,

and two, there is
not enough material

in Germany to cover that bride.

Newkirk, you're going to
make the wedding dress,

and Burkhalter's going
to supply the material.

That'll pave the way for you to
contact the underground agent

at the Hauserhof, right?

Mm-hmm.

When can I meet
the bride, Colonel?

If I am going to design a dress,

I'd like to get her
measurements.

We're going into
town this afternoon.

Wait a minute.

What makes you think

you can design the bridal gown?

I'm French; it's in our blood.

LeBeau, you can't even
sew a button on a shirt.

Neither can Coco Chanel.

Newkirk will do the sewing;

I will do the creating.

Come on, we've got
arrangements to make.

Oh, blimey...

No, apres vous, my dear Yvette.

For the last time,
LeBeau, I'm asking you,

give me a hand with this stuff.

Please, Newkirk,
Yvette is creating.

Creating?

You're nothing but a lazy clod.

Ah-ah-ah, Newkirk.

That's not the way
to talk to a lady.

Thank you, Schultz.

Fellas, Miss Burkhalter's room.

Come in!

Where's my sketch pad?

Must have left it in the car.

Well, I can't work
without my sketch pad.

You fellas go on in,
I'll run back and get it.

Okay.

Come on, he's just going
to get the sketch pad.

Come.

Hi.

Don't move.

Raise your hands
and turn around slowly.

So, this is your
underground contact.

I was just looking for the
Burkhalter wedding party.

Boy, did I get the wrong room.

For the last time,

why were you trying
to contact this man?

I told you, I'm with the
Burkhalter wedding party.

If you don't believe me,
ask Sergeant Schultz,

the guard that
brought us from camp.

We'll talk to the guard.

Schultz!

Schultz!

Oh, here you are, Colonel Hogan.

This gentleman thinks
I'm with the underground.

Will you tell him
what I'm doing here?

Colonel Hogan is here
with Yvette of Paris.

They're making a wedding gown

for the niece of
General Burkhalter

by order of General Burkhalter.

Thank you, Schultz.

This is all too upsetting.

I cannot create under
these conditions.

I'll be back later.

Come, Newkirk.

But Yvette!

Later!

Colonel Hogan.

Please, Yvette, come back!

Please, Yvette!

General Burkhalter's going
to be very unhappy with you.

Thank you.

If the Gestapo is
holding that agent,

how are we going to get

the information on the rockets?

That's Colonel Hogan's problem.

I'm just the
flipping seamstress.

And not a very good one either.

Come on.

I'm sewing as fast as I can.

Hey, go easy on him.

Newkirk's not as
young as he used to be.

With a ballplayer, it's
his legs that go first.

With a seamstress,
it's the fingers.

That looks good enough to me.

That's because you don't know

what it takes to stop
a seam from popping.

He's right.

Remember that old saying:

A stitch in time saves nine.

There's another old saying:

Who asked you?

That's good enough for now.

I say it isn't!

It's good enough to
try it on the model.

We are ready for the fitting!

If you are ready, I'm ready.

Here you are.

Try this on.

In the fitting room, please.

Aw, come on, we want
to see how he looks.

I don't like anyone
to see my creations

until they have
reached perfection.

Those dress designers...

They always seem peculiar.

Well, they get that way

from pinning up all those hems.

Come on, Schultz,
put your arms through.

There you are.

Here, stand on the stool, huh?

Let's take a look at you.

Come on.

Come on, up you go.

That's it, don't be afraid.

You look like the
great white whale.

You think I'm the same size

as General Burkhalter's niece?

Nah, not really.

I think this might be
a bit loose on you.

Ah.

That is what I
call haute couture.

It looks nice.

Nice?

If Balenchia could see this,

he would throw himself
off the Eiffel Tower.

Hmm... you know,

I still say you've made
that train too long.

It is not too long.

It would be a lot more stylish

with a short train.

Not when it has to
cover a big caboose.

Oh, LeBeau...

you do such nice work.

Could you design
a dress for my wife?

Of course... just bring
me her measurements.

Take mine, and you've got hers.

You know, Schultz,

if you ever get short of tanks,

you can send your wife in.

Jolly joke.

Why is it every time
I discard an eight,

you always take it?

Because I always save eights.

Where's LeBeau and Newkirk?

They're in the fitting
room with Schultz.

Oh.

Before we go back
to the Hauserhof,

we got to figure a way
to spring that agent.

How about sending
somebody in as one of the staff?

Yeah, it's no good.

They got Gestapo dressed
up as waiters, bellboys.

I even saw a chambermaid
with five o'clock shadow.

Well, at least they
didn't get Papa Bear.

They might, if we
don't get the agent out.

We don't know if he's
going to cr*ck or not.

Oh, my, what a lovely bride.

It's a shame she's
already spoken for.

Hey, Schultz, don't cry.

You'll ruin the dress.

I always cry at a wedding.

How do you like
the dress, Colonel?

It's beautiful.

You did a great job.

Thank you.

General Burkhalter
will be thrilled

when he sees his
niece in this dress.

Yeah, it's a pity

the groom won't
get the same thrill.

That's better than being sent

to the Russian Front.

You can always desert in Russia.

Gentlemen!

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize

you were having a
fitting, Fräulein Frieda.

Oh, Colonel Klink,
it's me, Schultz.

Schultz, what are you doing
wearing that wedding gown?

I was using him as
a model for the bride.

Uh, yes, sir, he has
the same dimensions...

48-44-46.

You're letting a great
little girl get away, sir.

Hogan, I am trusting you

to have that gown at
the Hauserhof on time!

Don't worry about a thing.

Good!

Uh, Colonel Klink.

Oh, please, Colonel Klink!

LeBEAU: Hey, wait
a minute, Schultz.

Get out of the dress now.

I have to finish it.

Oh, come on.

Newkirk.

Yes, sir.

Can I see you a minute?

Yes, sir.

About that dress...

Don't blame me, Colonel.

That was Lebeau's
idea about the train.

I thought a nice sash

would be in much better taste.

No, the dress is fine.

What I want to know is,

can you make another
one just like it by tomorrow?

Well, that's no
problem for me, sir,

but I'd better
clear it with Yvette.

You know how they
feel about copies.

All the guests talked
about was the bridal gown.

Funny, I didn't hear
anybody say one word

about the dress.

I think it looked
better on Schultz.

You can stop crying, Schultz.

They're already married.

It's not the wedding.

He's crying
because he didn't get

a piece of the wedding cake.

That and the drapes

were the only
things he didn't eat.

Jolly joker.

Where?

Where's the cockroach?

After what you ate?

You're lucky we
got in the elevator.

LeBeau's walking up.

Follow me!

Follow me, everybody!

Follow me!

Follow me, everybody!

Everybody down in the basement!

Please, don't stay
calm... Everybody panic!

Now, come on!

Air Raid! Look out, everybody!

Got him!

Okay?

Perfect.

What is happening?

Is it an air raid?

Just a practice drill.

Oh.

You see, nothing to worry about.

Let's go back in there, huh?

Never have I seen a
more beautiful bride.

Ah...

And I owe it all to you, Yvette.

Isn't he wond...

Nonsense.

The dress is nothing

unless a vision of
loveliness such as...

Good heavens, a seam has opened!

We'll sew it up
for you right away.

Don't you worry, Countess.

It'll only take a minute.

Search every room, Gustav.

He can't get away.

The building is surrounded.

How dare you burst
into a lady's room

without knocking!

I'm terribly sorry.

Please forgive me.

My apologies, Fräulein.

Blimey.

Now, don't you have

a little something for me?

You are Papa Bear?

No, but I'll see
that he gets it.

I'll put it in his porridge.

All right.

I'll tell him you'll
be right out.

Thank you, Colonel Hogan.

Yep.

Please hurry.

The count is waiting

to take me on our honeymoon.

I'm sure he won't mind

if you're a little late.

What do you mean?

I mean, what are a few moments

when you will have

a lifetime of
happiness together?

Oh.

Did I hurt you, Countess?

Oh, please hurry!

I didn't mean to.

I will do as fast as I can.

Really, you're
going to be so lovely.

Oh, Count von
Hertzel, congratulations.

Thank you.

Looking for your lovely bride?

Yes.

She had a little
accident with her gown.

They're repairing it.

That is her room.

This is the sewing room.

She's ready.

Come along, my lovely.

Beautiful, beautiful.

Don't she look nice?

Mm-hmm.

Good luck.

What can be taking them so long?

Must be the false
alarm air raid.

Oh, here they come!

I am so glad for Frieda.

Congratulations,
General Burkhalter.

Thank you, Klink.

Did the happy couple

get off all right, General?

Yes, Hogan.

I have never seen your
niece look so happy.

They make such a
handsome couple.

Thank you.

Has anyone seen the count?

He went that way.

Frieda!

Wait for me!

How could this have
happened, Klink?

There were more SS
men at the Hauserhof

than they have at the Reichstag.

It only proves again

how incompetent the Gestapo is.

Colonel Hogan to see
you, Herr Kommandant.

Send him in, please.

Any more news about the count?

The hospital says his
condition is the same.

He's still suffering
from amnesia.

I cannot understand it.

Not a mark on his head,

and he still can't
remember getting married.

I'm sure Frieda will
nurse him back to health.

There is nothing a man needs
more than a good woman.

You're so right, Klink.

Maybe I will change my mind
and let my sister marry you.

Gertrude?

It just might make a good match.

I don't deserve such happiness.

If you are lucky enough
to get Gertrude's hand,

there's one thing you can
count on, Commandant.

What's that?

A gown by Yvette.