05x20 - One Army at a Time

[bunniefuu]

All right, let's
run it down again.

All of us here?

One of our Krauts is missing.

Carter!

Yes, sir!

I hate to rush you, Carter,

but I promised General Marshall

to keep the w*r on schedule.

I'm sorry, Colonel.

Newkirk, you made
the pants too long.

Would you like your money back?

Sorry, no refunds given

once the trousers
have left the shop.

Look, we'll get you a better
tailor in World w*r III, okay?

Now, heads up.

This is the Millheim
railroad bridge.

According to the
underground information,

they change the guard at 10:00.

We'll get there
a half hour early,

bluff the guard and take over.

We'll wire the
bridge, and that's that.

Right. This high ground here

we'll use for observation
before we move in.

Kinch, I want you to cover
this area of the woods.

They may have a patrol
backing up the bridge unit.

Got it, Colonel.

Okay, let's move out.

Carter!

Would you keep your pants on?

That's a direct order.

Yes, sir.

LeBEAU: Get up already.

Looks okay.

Nice and quiet down there.

All right, let's go.

Kraut patrol, Colonel, four men.

How close?

Lower your voice.

Right, let's go back to camp.

Everybody, you're on your own.

Move it.

Soldier!

Uh, yeah... I mean, ja.

"Ja" is what I
mean, definitely "ja."

Where did you find that?

It was right here.

Good work.

Pick up this stuff.

We will go back and
make our report on this.

Fall in!

Fall in!

Follow me.

Very nice little operation.

Not only don't we
blow the bridge,

we lose the dynamite,
the detonator and Carter.

Beautiful.

We should have stayed home.

I was willing.

Remember, Louis? I said,

"Let's have a little
sleep and think about it."

Aah, shut up.

Make that an order.

He should have been
here an hour ago.

What happened?

He had the
detonator in his hand.

Looked to me

like he couldn't make up
his mind about taking it.

Maybe he tried to carry

the detonator and the dynamite.

Nah, he never
would have made it.

Not and hold his pants
up at the same time.

You think we ought to
go out again, Colonel,

try to find him?

I hate to think what
could happen to him.

I'm not worried in the least.

You're a great
comfort to us, Newkirk.

Listen, sir,
Andrew's very clever.

Any moment now, he's
going to come climbing up

through that tunnel
as nice as you please.

Maybe, but I have
a terrible feeling

he's in some Gestapo jail
strung up by his thumbs.

Out there it was cold,
but we did our job.

Now...

Gott und Führer.

Gott und Führer!

Prosit!

Ja, prosit!

By all means, prosit!

Ah...

That's good beer, huh?

Wunderbar.

I mean, in this case,
would it be Wunderbier?

Achtung!

Heil h*tler.

As you were.

This is the man.

Achtung!

He found the dynamite

and the saboteur" equipment.

Very good.

How did this happen?

Uh... how did it happen?

Ja, how did it happen?

Ja, how did it happen?

Ja.

Well, I was walking
through the woods.

On your way here?

Ja, on my way here to, uh...

Ja, ja, go on, go on.

Ja, to, uh...

Ja, to the Fourth
Panzer Brigade.

So?

Uh, so, I heard a noise,

I went to investigate
and I found the stuff.

Very clever.

Danke.

Once in a while you get lucky.

Your name?

Uh... my name?

Ja, your name.

Ja! My name...

The papers, the papers.

My papers, ja, my papers.

Oh, and there's my name,
Private Hans Wagner.

Ja, I can read.

It's a very good record.

Invasion of Poland, Battle
of France, Eastern Front.

Boy, was it ever cold.

We are waiting for
replacements like yourself.

Where are your orders?

Uh... my orders?

Your orders.

Ja, uh, my orders,
uh, uh, my orders, uh...

Ja?

My orders.

I'm... I'm...

I must have lost them.

Well, you have a good record.

Sergeant, make this
man acting corporal.

He has the experience.

Jawohl, Herr Kapitän.

Acting corporal? Me?

Congratulations.

Danke.

Good boy.

What a sight.

Wake him up, Schultz.

Jawohl, Major.

Herr Kommandant, please.

Herr Kommandant, please wake up.

He's a very heavy sleeper.

Ja, I know, a heavy sleeper

and a light thinker.

Get him up!

Jawohl, Major.

Herr Kommandant.

Wake up!

Bitte, Herr Kommandant!

Wake up, Herr Kommandant!

Bitte, wake up!

Heil h*tler!

No, no, no, no.

It's Major Hochstetter.

Heil Hochstetter!

Oh, oh, Major Hochstetter.

What... what... what
are you doing here?

What's happening?

There was an attempted sabotage

on the Millheim railroad bridge.

It failed.

Oh, that's terrible.

Why must they do
these things at night?

We are checking all stalags

for possible escapees.

Order a roll call at once.

A roll call at this hour?

Are you crazy, Major?

I am so crazy, I may
have you arrested

if you don't do as I say!

That's crazy enough for me.

For me, too.

Schultz, don't stand there

like a fat statue.

Give the orders!

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

What is this thing on your head?

Oh, oh, that.

It has a special ointment

to stimulate the
growth of my hair.

Ja, ja.

Any possibility
it might stimulate

some activity under the scalp?

Raus, raus!

Everybody, roll call!

You must be kidding, Schultz!

Come on, LeBeau, "Raus," I said!

No back talk at all!

Don't push me!

What do you mean,
don't push you?

Raus, everybody! Raus!

Let's go!

Newkirk, Newkirk! Raus!

What about Carter?

Yeah, we can't
stall much longer.

Newkirk's going to do
some fancy footwork.

That's the wrong man.

I beg your pardon, Schultz.

This is not the man
who stands here.

What man is that?

Carter.

Carter who?

It's not "Carter who?";
it's "Carter where?"!

Well, make up
your bleeding mind.

Who do you want:

Carter who or Carter where?

What difference does it make,

"Carter who," "Carter where"?

Where's Carter?

You got to do something

about your English,
Schultz; it's terrible.

Carter, where are you?

Yo! Who wants me?

That's "Carter who"!

This is not your place!

You get a guy up in
the middle of the night

and you expect him
to be on the ball?

Now, get back to your place!

You understand? Schnell!

Okay, schnell.

Who cares where you
are, as long as you're here?

Quiet! This is roll call!

Report!

Attention!

What kind of POW camp

are you running?

You ought to be ashamed
of yourself doing this.

Herr Kommandant, all
present and accounted for!

Very good, Sergeant.

Is he sure?

Are you sure?

Yes, sir!

Yes, sir.

All right.

All right!

I suggest nightly roll calls

until we find the saboteurs.

Nightly roll calls?

Is that necessary?

Essential!

Very good idea, Major.

Attention!

From now on, there
will be nightly roll calls

until further notice!

Dismissed.

LeBEAU: Boy, I'm
glad he made it in time.

Ooh, it's cold.

And then, then he
made me acting corporal!

Now, can you b*at that?

Boy, that is pretty crazy.

But you got away with it.

Yes, sir.

Boy, but talk
about being scared.

My guts were turning over.

Yeah, there's a
nice mental picture.

Oui, very medical.

Here, have some coffee.

No, thanks, Louis.

Carter, they got the dynamite?

Yes, sir.

And the detonator box.

And they obviously got
in touch with the Gestapo,

otherwise Hochstetter
wouldn't be here.

Well, I'm glad it's over.

If you guys don't mind,
I'm going to turn in.

I can still feel the
whole thing right in there.

I'm sorry you
said that, Carter...

About turning in, I mean.

What?

Well, I thought you might say,

"Sorry, fellas, I've got to
get back to Company C,

Fourth Panzer Brigade."

You'd have a long wait, sir.

Holy cow, you
mean go back there?

Andrew, they got the
dynamite; we need it.

We can't get any more.

Our orders are to
blow up that bridge.

It's just sitting there.

Well, who cares?

Let it sit!

Can't we leave a few
bridges in Germany alone?

You bluffed them
once, didn't you?

Well, he had a
nice set of papers.

Yeah, signed by you,
Major Newkirkheim.

Very convincing.

Battle of France,
the Eastern Front.

Boy, my guts are spinning around

at just the thought
of going back there.

Carter, you made acting
corporal, didn't you?

Well, yes.

You'll throw all that away?

Like a sh*t.

Here.

Here's the uniform.

There's a beer
stain on the front.

I'll pay for the dry cleaning.

Carter the Kraut
says good night.

Andrew.

Listen... it's the dream

of every intelligence outfit

to plant a man with
the enemy's army.

You're that man.

It's a first.

It's a great
opportunity, Andrew.

Listen, mate, the
colonel's asking you.

That's the same as an order.

You could be
court-martialed if you refuse.

Sure, I could be court-martialed
and sh*t in two armies.

That's another first.

Carter, all you have to do is

put on the uniform, go
back there and report.

Right, and be back here in
time for tomorrow night's roll call.

Nothing to it.

Bigmouth.

Well, that's another thing.

I forgot... the new roll call.

What? Do you want me to commute?

I'm going to need a
bicycle, for Pete's sakes!

Look, you go there

and get the dynamite.

I'll talk Klink out of
the special roll calls.

That sounds like a fair deal.

Who are you guys trying to kid?

Listen, before I'm
going to go back there,

I'm going to quit this outfit.

I'll quit the German army.

I'll quit the w*r!

Quit the w*r?

You're darn tootin'!

Carter...

who's going to break the news
to Roosevelt and Churchill?

Personally, I think the nightly
roll calls are a good idea.

I am so glad you approve.

It gives me a nice,
warm feeling inside.

Why do you like
night roll calls?

I know how impossible it
is to escape from Stalag 13.

I was hoping it would
keep the men in line.

Mm-hmm. And it hasn't?

Just the opposite... the escape
committee has submitted two plans

in just the last
12 hours. Plans?

Yeah, one prisoner
wants to use the roll calls

to escape disguised as you.

As Colonel Klink?

That is you.

Imitate me?

Hard to believe.

Yes, you are.

I hope you told him.

Yes, I said you were impossible.

I'm so glad.

Yep.

Uh, you know,
frankly, I... I think

you should discontinue
the roll calls, sir.

Can't be done!

Saboteurs tried to destroy
a very important bridge.

You're kidding.

Major Hochstetter's
determined to find them.

He's ordered special
security for all the stalags.

He's ordered?

He's only a major.

You're a colonel.

Hogan, you don't understand
the Gestapo, do you?

No, I don't.

Neither do I.

I just do as they demand.

Request denied. Dismissed.

Well, don't say I
didn't warn you.

Excuse me, Herr Kommandant.

The supply sergeant just called.

Schultz and Major Hochstetter
have left the amm*nit*on bunker.

Danke, Fräulein Hilda.

Bitte.

Aah, that Hochstetter,
he's everywhere.

Right now he's checking
our supply of dynamite

to see if anything is missing.

Covers all the
bases, doesn't he?

Yes, and I'd like to
booby-trap one of those bases.

That's naughty.

Acting Corporal Hans
Wagner, I believe.

I hitched a ride.

You've got a lot of
the kamikaze in you.

Colonel, I had to see you.

I can't find the
dynamite; now, talk fast.

Gestapo been around?

Maybe they found it.

Negative... they talk about it

like it's still there.

Then keep looking.

Please, Colonel,
can't I come home?

You're doing fine,
except for this crazy move.

I'm warning you,
there'll be another first.

I'll go AWOL from two
armies at the same time.

Easy, easy.

We'll see you tonight.

Yeah. Tonight?!

I couldn't talk Klink out
of a roll call... I'm sorry.

Well, that takes the cake.

What if I can't get out?

We'll start without you.

But, Colonel, listen,
I-I-I don't think...

Watch it, here they come.

How dare you say a thing
like that about our Führer?!

I don't care if
you are an officer,

you are still a visitor
in Deutschland!

If you ever say a
thing like that again,

I will sh**t you in person!

And remember, I have warned you!

Heil h*tler!

Heil! Heil! Heil h*tler!

Where does the Wehrmacht
get men like that, huh?

I'd hate to tell you.

Raus, raus, raus, raus.

This is becoming a bore.

I don't like it either.

Come on, let's go, let's go.

I'm going to miss
this, Schultzy.

I had to look all over the
place, but I finally found it.

They're keeping the
dynamite in the orderly room.

Good, we're in business.

You're in business;
I'm in the German army.

When do we move out, Colonel?

We've got to work at night.

What do we do about
those bloody roll calls?

That's a problem.

Well, I got a bigger problem.

A lot of the Krauts are
being shipped out next week.

I could be next.

Shipped out? Where?

They issued these.

Earmuffs?

I don't think we're
planning to att*ck Miami.

"We"?

You know, the guys,
the German army.

Andrew, you haven't
gone n*zi, have you?

Oh, knock it off, please.

Now, come on.

Hold it, hold it.

I just happened to think.

Hochstetter could be the answer

to our problem
about the roll calls.

Hochstetter?

Yeah, if we get him out of here,

Klink might ease up.

It's worth a try.

Come here, Carter.

I want you to get the
dynamite and meet us here.

See where the road
forks right by the turn?

Tomorrow night, 11:00.

Okay, I'll try.

Hey, I got to get back.

Hey, what's the rush?

Yeah, the Germans
having a night roll call, too?

No, they're showing a
captured Betty Grable picture

and I don't want to miss it.

You Nazis really
know how to live.

Hello.

Major Hochstetter?

Ja, this is
Oberführer Schlichter,

Düsseldorf headquarters.

Ja, Heil h*tler.

Major, we have captured
two underground people.

We believe they
have some connection

mit the as*ault on
the Millheim bridge.

Ja, ja, that's correct.

We need your assistance, Major.

Do you think you can
come here tomorrow?

Ja.

Danke, Herr Major.

We will expect you.

Ja, Heil h*tler.

Good riddance!

Ah, Hochstetter's not
such a bad guy, sir.

There's one thing nice
about his being here.

It feels so good when he leaves.

Ah, you're just prejudiced.

Hochstetter ordered
night roll calls

and you're stuck with them.

Hogan, I am still

the commandant here.

Oh, I know that,

but you've got to admit, there's
a man who understands security.

Understands security?

There has never been
a successful escape

from Stalag 13, even
without night roll calls.

That's not important.

If Hochstetter insists on
roll calls, what can you do?

What can I do?

The roll call will be canceled
effective immediately.

Better think it
over, Commandant.

Hogan, I do not
need your advice.

You do as you're told.

Dismissed!

Wait, hold it, hold it.

t*nk coming, take cover.

Get in!

Hey, guys!

Carter!

What's the idea?

Well, I had to carry the
dynamite in something.

Brilliant.

Oh, marvelous.

Why didn't you
steal a convertible?

All right, get in.

Hey, does this work?

Yeah, and we're
going to need it.

I couldn't find
the detonator box.

All right, Millheim
bridge, driver,

and don't spare the horses.

Yes, sir.

He went for it.

They're moving out.

Boy, you could sell used
cars anytime you want to.

Nice way to talk to an officer.

Lieutenant, take over.

Jawohl, Herr Kapitän.

Heil h*tler.

All right, dismount and
wait till they're gone.

All right, fellas, let's go.

Come on.

Finished, sir.

Charges all wired.

All we got to do is hit
one and they all go off.

All right, perfect.

Let's get out of here.

Careful.

Let's go.

LeBEAU: Hey, wait for me!

Coming.

All right, try for the
middle support...

It's the biggest target.

Steady.

Got it.

All right, load it.

Ready?

Ready.

All right, fire.

Low and outside for a ball.

Try it two degrees left, huh?

Right.

Fire!

You're getting warm.

Two more degrees to the
left... and raise the angle.

Ready?

Fire.

Beautiful... on target.

Nice sh**ting, Acting
Corporal Hans Wagner.

You get all the credit.

Aw, thanks, Colonel.

But there's one thing
I'm kind of sorry about.

What's that?

I had to miss

that Betty Grable
picture tonight.

Aw, that's too bad.

That's a shame.

LeBEAU: That's very sad... oh.

Oh, marvelous.

Thank you for
calling, Lieutenant.

Heil h*tler.

That was a friend of
mine at headquarters.

The Millheim bridge was
destroyed by saboteurs

last night.

Hmm.

Whoever they are, they got guts.

Oh, they're gutsy!

And my dear friend Major
Hochstetter was in Düsseldorf

on some unimportant business.

He was recalled to
Berlin for discipline.

Let's hope it was
nothing trivial.

Let's hope so.

Who asked you?

What do you want here, Schultz?

Herr Kommandant, the
men in Barracks Nine

would like to have
some more hot water.

What did you tell them?

Oh, I gave them
a definite "maybe."

Of course.

When will you learn to
be tough with these men?

Now, you go back there
and give them a definite no.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!

Sickening.

Yeah, he's got a heart
of pure margarine.

Yes, I know.

Hogan, do you remember

that tough young
corporal who told you off?

Yeah.

What about him?

I tried to locate him.

I thought maybe
he would consider

going into the Luftwaffe.

Any luck?

You'll never believe this.

They told me that he deserted.

A man like that.

Hmm... you just
never know, do you?

No, sometimes
it's better that way.

Ja.