05x23 - The Sergeant's Analyst

[bunniefuu]

Achtung! Achtung!

Everybody, achtung, achtung!

Achtung, everybody...
It's a barracks inspection!

I want everything put
back into the footlocker!

I want the windows
washed inside and out!

I want the walls scrubbed!

There is going to be inspection
by the commandant himself!

It's okay, Schultz.

It's all clear outside.

What a day, what a day.

I'm more sergeant at a
supply depot than at the front.

Schultz, where's
my pumpernickel?

Oh.

I put it where it
won't be squashed.

I have it someplace.

I put it where it
won't... won't...

Hey, look, a pumpernickel pizza!

A pumpernickel pizza!

That's a good one, huh?

Yeah. Thanks, Schultz.

How about a little
snack, Schultzy?

Well... if you insist.

Just to be sociable.

The bread man
came through again.

Great.

Aha!

That's this section right here.

Only need one more section

to complete the puzzle, huh?

Yeah.

When did the bread
man say he could deliver?

Final delivery Friday.

Great.

Four more days

and we're going to
have a complete picture

of the German West Wall.

And our friendly RAF will make
the wall come tumbling down.

Where's Schultz?

Sacking out in my bunk.

Sleeping off his lunch.

I wonder what he's
dreaming about.

His dinner.

Achtung!

General Burkhalter,
what a surprise.

It's supposed to be a surprise.

I like to drop in and
inspect camp security,

especially when
Colonel Klink is out.

Show a little respect
for the general, men.

Attention!

Dress right! Dress!

Ah, you'll have to excuse

the breach of
m*llitary etiquette, sir.

The men aren't used to having
generals sneaking in on them.

Although you weren't
really sneaking...

You just sort of surprised them.

Why, you certainly did.

Didn't he, fellas?

Right, sir. Sure did.

I've never been so surprised

in me life, sir.

Me, too.

You caught us red-handed.

Of course we
weren't doing anything

for you to catch us at,

but if we had been, you'd
have caught us red-handed,

which we all know we weren't!

What a surprise if we were!

Why is he so nervous?

I'm not nervous;
I'm just surprised.

Stand aside!

And just what is this?

I think it's what
we call a Schultz.

On your feet, Schultz!

General Burkhalter,
what are you doing here?

First suppose you tell me

what you were doing there.

Well...

You're lying!

Did you see...

Enough!

I don't want to hear
any more of your lies.

That's the only one I had.

Schultz, evidently
your memory is failing.

You seem to have forgotten
which side you are on.

Oh, I'm on our side!

But you have trouble
remembering who's on their side.

Oh, the enemy!

Excellent, Schultz.

Your memory isn't
altogether gone.

A transfer to the Russian Front

will completely restore it.

To the Russian Front?

It works wonders
for memory failures.

In just a few days,

you won't be able
to forget the enemy.

Guards.

Tell the bread man

we can't wait till Friday.

We've got to have that picture

delivered by tomorrow.

What if he can't do it?

Then we'll have to work out

another delivery system.

Oh, boy, Schultz
is our only link

to the supply depot.

And when he's gone,

you know where that leaves us.

Yeah, with a missing link.

Maybe we could
delay Schultz's transfer,

at least until after
we get the picture.

Klink's got to sign it

to make it official.

If he doesn't, Schultz stays.

And if Burkhalter
finds out, Klink goes.

We'll just have to make sure

Burkhalter doesn't find it out.

Busy, Colonel?

Hogan, I am very busy.

I have a lot of work to do

and I do not wish
any interruptions.

Right you are, sir.

Hilda!

Jawohl.

The commandant
is not to be disturbed:

no calls, no visitors

and no interruptions,
no matter who.

And that's an order.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant...

uh, Colonel Hogan.

Nobody's going to
bother you now, sir.

Except you.

Me? I'd be the last
one to bother you.

Yes, I know.

You're always the first one.

Now, I told you, I do
not wish to be disturbed.

Quite so, and I can assure you

nobody's going to disturb you.

I feel disturbed.

So do I, sir.

Colonel, I want you
to tell me it isn't true.

I want you tell me that
you had no part in this.

I want you to tell me the
whole thing is a vicious lie.

Of course it is.

What is?

Sergeant Schultz is being
transferred to the Russian Front.

Schultz is transferred
to the Russian Front?

When did this happen?

While you were in town.

I was sure that you wouldn't
do this to the man who thinks

you're the finest
officer in the Luftwaffe...

A faithful, loyal
comrade like Schultz.

The Russian Front.

A target like Schultz
wouldn't have a chance.

Come in, come in.

Excuse me, Herr Kommandant.

I know you left orders
not to interrupt...

Please, Schultz, you're
not interrupting me.

It's always good to
see an old comrade.

What can I do for you, eh?

Nothing.

Nothing anybody can do.

I think you're
supposed to sign this.

What is it?

My transfer to
the Russian Front.

Herr Kommandant, please...

I'm in very bad health...

My head, my back, my heart.

A b*llet in any one of
those places could be fatal.

Schultz, Colonel Klink
wouldn't think of losing

his best sergeant.

Ja, but how about me?

It is you.

Am I right, sir?

Of course you're right.

Commandant Klink's the one
that writes the orders around here

and no one else, correct, sir?

Absolutely.

You mean I do not have to go?

You heard the commandant;
now, back to your post.

Schultz, so you made
a few stupid mistakes.

You're lazy, you're
fat, you sleep on duty.

Still, you're a likable clod.

Come on, Schultz.

But, Herr Kommandant,

you said I'm your best sergeant.

You are, Schultz.

I've never had
another one like you.

I think we ought to just tear up

those orders right
now, don't you, sir?

By the way,
Schultz, who issued...

Uh, Colonel, hey, how about
a picture of you and Schultz?

A picture, Hogan?

I've got a lot of work to do.

It'll only take a second, sir.

Just a sh*t of you
tearing up the transfer.

I think it'd give
it a nice touch.

How about... how about this?

We let Schultz tear these up.

Uh-huh. Fine, fine.

I'd like to see General
Burkhalter's face

when he hears about this.

General Burkhalter?

When he hears
about what, Schultz?

That we tore up his orders.

Stop that or I'll have you sh*t!

Yeah, but you told me...

Never mind what I told
you; do what I tell you now.

No more pictures, Hogan.

Well, that's all right.

I didn't have a
camera anyway, sir.

Hogan, when was
the general here?

This morning... he
came sneaking into camp

for a surprise security check.

Is he still here?

Uh-huh.

How do you know?

I can see him.

What is he doing?

Standing behind you.

Ah!

General Burkhalter,
how very nice to see you.

Those surprise
inspections of yours...

They never fail to surprise me.

No, indeed.

A very wise tactic, sir.

Keeps us on our toes,

doesn't it, Schultz?

He can't even keep on his feet.

Did you get the orders

for his transfer, Klink?

Yes, sir, I have.

And I must say I
agree with you, sir.

I'm delighted with
your suggestion.

To the Führer I
make suggestions;

to you I make orders,

which I suggest
you carry out at once.

Yes, sir, I will.

And I have.

These orders are all
signed, sealed, delivered,

and he's on his way to...

General Burkhalter, how
does our camp security look?

I don't know yet.

If Schultz is any
example of your men...

Oh, oh, oh, no, no, he is not.

I can assure you of that, sir.

I consider him a
disgrace to his uniform.

I don't know how he
got to be sergeant.

I don't even know how
he got into the Luftwaffe.

I don't know how he
even got to be a German.

Maybe he lied about his age.

Hogan!

At least you haven't lost

your sense of humor.

I never had one.

I'll be around, Klink.

Yes, sir.

So will I.

We'll see. We'll see...

I've got to hand
it to you, Colonel.

That was the greatest job

of acting I've ever seen.

You played the cringing
bootlicker to perfection.

I am a cringing bootlicker.

That is, I wasn't acting, Hogan.

But you're not going
to sign the transfer.

I'm only obeying orders.

Do you realize if you sign that,

you're going to be sending
a man to a certain death?

And if I don't,

I'll be sending two of us there.

Schultz, about face.

Four jars of caviar,
two canned hams,

four bottles of cognac.

Anything else we need?

You're giving old Schultzy

a pretty big list, aren't you?

Who knows when we'll find

another supply
sergeant like him?

Yeah, but still, you know,

he can only carry so
much under that topcoat.

He can make two trips.

Yeah, or wear two topcoats.

Any luck with Klink?

Yeah, all bad.

Looks like this whole operation

is indefinitely postponed.

What? Why?

Schultz has been
confined to his quarters

till he ships out.

Such a magnificent
shopping list I had for him.

Kinch better contact
that bread man

and cancel tomorrow's delivery.

Do you think he can get
us that picture by tomorrow?

It's what the underground said.

There's got to be a way for us

to get to that supply depot.

Klink's really busy now,

so he absolutely
can't be interrupted.

So what do we do?

Interrupt him.

Fräulein Hilda,
please come in here.

I need some help
with this paperwork.

Did you bring your pad?

Oh, I left it on my bunk.

Hogan!

It'll just take a second, sir.

Sign that.

Thanks, sir.

Just a minute!

What was that I signed?

Just a list of the men for
your work detail tomorrow:

Carter, Newkirk, Kinch, LeBeau.

Oh.

Remember they're being punished,

so really make them work.

Don't worry, I'll make
them work, all right,

but, uh, what kind of work
are they supposed to be doing?

Helping you load supplies

for the officers' club.

Schultz is the supply sergeant.

He was; you've
confined him to quarters.

Oh.

That means I'll have
to find a replacement.

One thing you could
depend on was his honesty.

He was a man you could trust.

Yeah, I must give
him credit for that.

I always could trust Schultz.

He was too stupid
to be dishonest.

Which is more than you
can say for your other men.

Those Krauts are

the biggest thieves
I've ever seen.

That's not true.

Look what they
stole from France.

Yes.

Took everything
but the Eiffel Tower.

But that was the
SS, not the Luftwaffe.

Seen Göring's art
collection lately?

You're right.

If I ever made one
of those guards

supply sergeant,

there won't be a salted herring

left for the officers' club.

You may not even
have an officers' club.

Only one man that you
can really trust, Colonel.

Who's that?

Colonel Wilhelm Klink.

Aah! He's as crooked
as the rest of them...

I am the only one I can trust.

Yes, sir.

And you'll be right there
to keep an eye on yourself.

I'll have the men
report for the work detail

at 0900 minus ten tomorrow.

Fine, fine.

When?

That's ten minutes of 9:00.

Oh, good, that's even better.

Sliced peaches, 24 cans.

Okay, put them in the van.

Kinch.

Pears, 24 cans.

Okay, put them in the van.

Carter.

Paint.

Paint?

Paint.

Get it in the van.

I'm sure the men
will think twice

before they break any
more regulations, sir.

You're really
working them today.

Hogan, I'm a great
believer in discipline.

I'm strict, but I'm fair.

Yeah, no question about it...

You're really making them sweat.

Yes, I was hoping...

Why are they all
wearing overcoats?

Well, they have to be
careful of pneumonia.

All right, keep
it moving, fellas.

The commandant's
got a lot more to pick up.

But I've got everything
on the list here.

You better check
it with Newkirk, sir.

Oh.

Where is it?

Are we safe?

It's now or never.

Where's Colonel
Klink's pumpernickel?

I bring it right out.

Hogan, we don't need
any pumpernickel.

Yes, you do.

Pumpernickel's a
very German bread.

No, we don't need
any pumpernickel,

and I hate pumpernickel.

You're being very selfish.

What about the other officers?

If they want some,
they can bring their own.

What if some high-ranking
officer goes into the club

and asks for pumpernickel?

High-ranking officers do
not come to our officers' club.

Well, what do you expect
without pumpernickel?

Thank you.

I'm not getting
something we don't need.

In the truck.

I happen to know that General
Burkhalter is crazy about pumpernickel.

Now, when he goes to
the officers' club and asks,

and they tell him
we don't have...

General Burkhalter had dinner

at the officers'
club two years ago,

and he hasn't been back since.

In the truck or in
the cooler, Hogan.

Dismissed!

We could break
into the supply depot.

No chance.

You saw all those guards.

One lousy loaf of pumpernickel

between us and the
German West Wall.

If we could keep Schultz here

and General Burkhalter saw
the kind of soldier he really is...

He saw that yesterday.

No.

Nope, he saw what
Schultz has become.

What about the man inside?

He ate somebody?

What Burkhalter has
to see is the old Schultz,

the fighting machine that had
the respect of this entire camp,

the man who, when he
snapped his fingers, you jumped.

Schultz?

Our Schultz?

Sure, that was five years ago.

Obviously, he's suffering
from a deep emotional problem,

a problem that
can only be solved

by the noted psychiatrist,
Dr. von Schramm.

Sir, you haven't
been here five years.

How do you know
what Schultz was like?

Overhead the entire story...
as I was telling it to you.

Yep, what Burkhalter has to
see is the old Sergeant Schultz.

Well, how do we do that?

Well, I'll leave it up to you...

Dr. von Schramm.

Colonel, what are we
going to do about Schultz?

Is that why you
disturbed me at lunch?

You're putting it
away pretty good

for a man that's disturbed.

You want to help
Schultz, don't you?

Look, I've done
all I can for him.

I've spoken to
General Burkhalter.

When?

When he told me to sign an order

transferring Schultz
to the Russian Front.

What'd you say?

I simply said, "Here it is."

Now, get out of here, Hogan.

Okay, it's your neck.

And stay out my quart...

What's my neck?

Skip it.

It's not that important.

My neck is very important to me.

Now, what do you mean?

Schultz is being transferred

because Burkhalter
thinks he's a bad soldier.

He is a bad soldier.

Now, what has Schultz
got to do with my neck?

Colonel, I'm quite sure

you've heard the
old Prussian saying:

"A soldier is only as good
as the officer he serves."

I don't buy it, but, uh...
an old Prussian might.

An old Prussian like
General Burkhalter, you mean.

Does sound like him, doesn't it?

"A soldier is only as good
as the officer he serves."

It's Burkhalter, all right.

That's something
he would say to me.

Yeah, and he'll
say it, all right.

Today, the sergeant;
tomorrow, the commandant.

No, no, General Burkhalter
would never transfer me

to the Russian Front
because of Schultz.

That would be grossly unfair.

It would be unjust and...

Hogan, what am I going to do?

Convince Burkhalter to
give Schultz another chance

to prove the kind of
soldier he really is.

He's already seen that.

What we must show him is

the kind of soldier that
Schultz really is not.

That's it... Great
idea, Commandant.

I have my moments
of brilliance, Hogan.

Why don't you have one

and tell me what we should do?

Dr. von Schramm, of course!

Of course!

Who's Dr. von Schramm?

I read about the doctor...

The most famous
psychiatrist in all of Germany.

You are German, aren't you?

What does a psychiatrist
have to do with Schultz?

The doctor does
miracles with hypnosis...

Creates an entire
new personality.

Operator, get me Dr. von
Schramm in Bremerheim.

May I use your phone, Colonel?

Oh, ja, ja, ja.

I do hope the doctor
makes prison camp calls.

Dr. von Schramm...

just a moment, please.

Colonel Klink calling.

Try to sound important.

Hallo, this is Colonel
Klink speaking of Stalag 13.

Ja.

That's right, that's the place.

Ja.

The doctor's heard of me.

Very impressed.

Ja, ja.

Oh, I would hardly
call myself a w*r hero.

"Unsung" is more like it.

Ja.

Doctor, I have a problem
with one of my key men,

and I wonder if
you could help me.

Yes, I realize you're a
little out of the way, but, uh...

As a matter of
fact, it isn't, Colonel.

I expect to be in
your area all day.

One of our Gestapo officers
is showing signs of decency.

Obviously insane.

What are you going to
do to me, Frau Doktor?

I want you to look
at this pendant.

Watch it swing back and forth,

back and forth.

Your eyes are closing.

Let them close.

Just drift off into
a deep sleep.

He'll be completely...

Colonel Klink.

Colonel Klink!

Oh, sorry, I must
have dozed off.

Did I miss anything?

I am about to give him a
posthypnotic suggestion.

He'll be a new man
when he awakes.

Sergeant Schultz,
can you hear me?

Yes, you said I'm going to
be a new man when I awaken.

Am I asleep?

Certainly you are asleep.

You're in a very deep,
deep hypnotic sleep.

Jawohl, Frau Doktor.

Fantastic.

Believe me, Colonel,

he'll never be the
same man again.

And if you're not
amazed at the results,

then my name is not
Brunhilde von Schramm.

Sergeant Schultz, you are
ruthless, you are fearless,

you are a leader of men.

Roll call, Colonel.

All right, fellas, you
know what to do.

Don't worry, Colonel.

We'll make Schultz look great.

Newkirk, did you round
up all the goodies?

Done, sir.

All right.

Let's go out and prove
that Dr. von Schramm

is the greatest
hypnotist of all time.

Line up, line up.

Okay, Schultz!

We're not deaf.

Give us half a chance,

will you, big fella?

You're a real tiger this
morning, aren't you, Schultz?

I mean, Sergeant Schultz.

Real tiger?

Don't tell me you're starting
to take this w*r seriously.

Don't argue with
him, just obey him.

We know you're a sergeant.

You don't have to start
acting like one, do you?

Maybe it's about
time I do act like one!

Attention!

Straighten up, everybody!

Next thing you know, he'll
want to inspect the barracks.

That's exactly
what I'm going to do

right after roll call.

Eyes front!

That's Hogan's barracks.

The prisoners are
30 seconds early.

What of it?

Oh, they've never
been early before.

As a matter of fact, they've
never been on time before.

This is a big event.

Klink, I'm sure this is a proud
moment in your m*llitary career.

Thank you, sir.

If you got me up just for
that, it is also the end of it.

What is that fathead
Schultz doing out there?

Being the good German
soldier he once was.

General Burkhalter, there
is an old Prussian saying:

"A soldier is only as good
as the officer he serves."

Do you think we
created a monster?

Who was talking?

The one who was talking

will take one step forward!

Everybody was talking,

so everybody will
do some walking.

There will be one
hour close-order drill

right after barrack inspection!

Yes, I think we have
created a monster.

General Burkhalter,
I found these things

hidden in the barracks

during my expert inspection.

What have we here?

Well, very fine cigars.

Knowing that the
general smoked cigars,

I thought you might try some

to see if they are real.

They could be anything...

Saw blades, files,
secret messages.

I'll check them out immediately.

That's using your head, Schultz.

Thank you, General.

What have we here?

Cheese?

Knowing what a
gourmet the general is...

I'll take it.

Yeah, why don't you
check it out at lunch?

Yes, General, why don't
you take the whole carton?

The general can check
the brandy after dinner,

and Mrs. Burkhalter can
wear the silk stockings

to see if they are real.

You have a good man here, Klink.

One of the best!

Yeah, he said he was going

to search the
barracks every week.

I did?

Yes, and I resent it.

You've got an
excellent idea, Sergeant.

No telling what you might find.

Jawohl, General!

I'll send you a list
of things to look for.

What about his transfer?

Nonsense.

You would transfer a
fine soldier like him?

Remember we old
Prussians have always said,

"An officer is only as good
as the soldier who serves him."

Oh, no, thanks, sir.

That might be the
one that explodes.

Raus, everybody! Raus!

I need four volunteers
for work detail!

You must be kidding.

We'll find you some.

I think I found them already...

You, you, you and... you.

Oh, shove off.

We just got finished
with a work detail!

That's why I picked you,

because I need experienced men.

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

That's a good one.

All right, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, Schultz.

According to the rules of
the Geneva Convention...

Oh, don't give me any rules,

because I do not know
how to play the game.

Schultz, these
men are exhausted.

I won't allow them to
do any more work today.

You don't expect me
to unload the supplies

for the officers'
club by myself.

Supplies?

That's different.

All right, come on, fellas.

Let's get going.

You rested long enough.

Thank you.

Thank you, Colonel.

Colonel, maybe later on,

we could have a
little snack, huh?

That's fine, Schultz,
but I'm afraid

I don't have any
more pumpernickel.

I got the last one,

but this time, I
did not sit on it.

I kept it right here...