05x25 - Crittendon's Commandos

[bunniefuu]

"Pick up six commandos
parachuting into area A11.

Bring them back to Stalag 13."

Sounds easy enough so far.

Easy? It's insulting.

All of a sudden
we are a taxi cab.

Yeah, but at least
we're not a yellow one.

How about that?

We might be a cab, but at
least we're not a yellow one.

I just said that

and I wasn't even
trying to be funny.

You weren't.

Coming in to grab Rommel?

Rommel?

Field Marshal Rommel?

The Desert Fox?

The Terror of Torbrook?

The Galloping Ghost?

That was Red Grange.

"Rommel was wounded
by a strafing fighter

"and is now recuperating

in a small private hospital
outside of Hammelburg."

They've got quite a
job ahead of them.

So do we.

How are we going
to get six commandos

past all those SS patrols?

Let's find out
where area A11 is.

That's two miles
from Hammelburg...

and about 12 miles from home.

Yeah, and plenty
of space in between.

Those patrols are
going to be on the alert

the moment they hear that plane.

There's a good chance

somebody will
spot the parachutes.

Yep, and then it's a race
to see who picks up who.

I'm beginning to wish we were
a taxi cab, and a very fast one.

But never a yellow one.

Oh, shut up, Carter.

It's a cinch the SS will
be blocking the roads,

but a truck carrying British
prisoners with German guards

shouldn't have
any trouble, right?

Ah, I get the message.

I'll radio London

and tell them to drop
their guys in flight uniforms.

Right. Tell them we'll
be in German uniforms.

We'll use the cricket code ID.

Right.

Now all we need is a truck.

Carter, Newkirk,
check the motor pool.

See if one's been
brought in for repair, huh?

Okay.

We'll check, but I'm
sure one's on its way.

Yeah, the first one we see.

As long as it isn't yellow.

Yeah.

Get up there.

All right, all right!

Let's have a
little hustle there!

Colonel Klink wants this
truck fixed by this afternoon.

We're not going to disappoint
our Colonel Klink, are we?

I should say we aren't.

We want whatever
our commandant wants,

and if he wants this
truck fixed, we'll fix it by...

Carter, I'll give the orders;

just make sure
they're not obeyed.

I want this truck out of
commission till tonight.

Yes, sir.

Hey!

You want to play funny, huh?

Ow!

Morning, sir.

Oh... So, Hogan, this is the
way your men fix a truck, huh?

Well, as they say, sir,

all work and no play
make Jack a dull boy.

We at Stalag 13 like dull boys.

Very good, Commandant.

I see you are in
excellent humor.

Shut up, Schultz.

I'm not in excellent humor.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

You are in excellent humor

to be in such a nasty humor.

I know how anxious
you are to know

when your truck will be ready,

and I can assure you...

Hogan, this truck is supposed
to pick up supplies this morning.

Why is it being repaired, huh?

Why? Well, Newkirk's
our mechanical engineer,

so I'll have him
give you the answer.

Newkirk... without
getting too technical,

would you explain
to Colonel Klink

why his truck's being repaired?

Certainly, sir.

It's broken.

Thank you.

You're very welcome, sir.

You couldn't ask for a plainer
explanation than that, sir.

Hogan, this truck was
perfectly all right last night.

Obviously it wasn't all right

or it wouldn't be the broken-down
wreck that you see here.

I would like to see just
how really broken down it is.

Uh, begging your pardon, sir.

Inasmuch as we don't know
the extent of the damage,

trying to start the engine
might prove dangerous.

Hogan, get out of my way.

I do not believe that there is
anything wrong with that truck.

You and your men are just
using it as an excuse for loafing.

Now, Schultz, get in
there and start that engine.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

What kind of danger do you think
there might be, Colonel Hogan?

expl*si*n, fire.

Who knows?

Nothing is going
to happen, Schultz.

Just get in there.

Not another word out of you.

Men!

Wait, Herr Kommandant.

I think my driver's
license has expired.

Schultz, stop being a coward.

Nothing is going to happen.

Start the engine.

That's an order.

Jawohl.

All right, they all should be

within this half-mile
radius right here.

You cover the northeast
area, huh, Kinch?

Got your cricket?

Right here, Colonel.

And their signal is...

Four chirps repeated
at ten-second intervals.

And my reply is...

two chirps.

All right, we rendezvous
in... 40 minutes.

Let's go.

It looks like we all
heard the same signal.

But no sign of any commandos.

I could swear it
came from right here.

I was standing right
here all the time.

I didn't see anyone.

Better not stand
here any longer.

Back to the truck,
quick and quiet.

Well, it's an old habit.

I always cr*ck my
knuckles when I get nervous.

I'd like to cr*ck
my knuckles, too...

right in your big mouth.

What'd I do?

Nothing, Carter, nothing.

But the next time
you get nervous,

bite your nails, huh?

Back to the truck.

All right, quietly.

I warn you: one false move

and your commandant
is a dead man.

Hello, Colonel Crittendon.

Good heavens... Colonel Hogan.

Hi.

Hold your fire, lads!

They're not Jerries,
they're friends!

Softly, Crittendon, softly.

The SS is out there.

Now, let's get back
to the truck, and fast.

My chaps need a breather.

Have no fear... we'll see
Jerry before he sees us.

Who's standing the watch, Tobin?

Me and, uh, Digby, sir.

That's what I
like about Tobin...

Always takes the
dirty jobs himself.

Those two are on watch, huh?

Well, it's merely an
expression, old man.

I mean, when
there's nothing to see,

there's really nothing
to watch, what?

But he's got ears
like an Airedale.

He hears things
most of us don't.

Probably sees things
most of us don't, too.

Sees things?

What? Where?

Oh, that's good, Hogan.

Talking good.

I keep forgetting that keen
wit of yours... marvelous quality.

You could look death in the face

and laugh about
it, couldn't you?

No, I don't believe
I can, Colonel.

You said your men are tired.

Let's get back to the
truck and Stalag 13.

I have a much safer idea.

You and your men
ride in the truck;

my boys and I
will follow on foot.

That's ten miles!

Merely a pleasant stroll for us.

You see, if we rode
in the truck with you,

wouldn't that be putting all
our eggs in one basket, what?

No, I'd call it the
most practical plan.

Now, you said your
men were exhausted.

And so they were,
but a few moments' rest

and they'll be
straining at the traces.

What do you say to that, lads?

Aye...

They're a dotty bunch.

All right, Hogan, you'd better
get your men back to the truck.

Look, Colonel, I can't...

That's an order.

Remember, I have
more time in grade;

that gives me
rank over you, sir.

Try to remember that.

None of us will
ever forget it... sir.

Still no sign of them?

I don't know why we
all even bother looking.

I should have known
the plan was doomed

when Crittendon
said he had an idea.

Yeah.

That had the ring of
disaster for me, too.

Those guys must be crazy

to follow Crittendon
on a ten-mile march.

They had to be crazy to
follow him on the plane.

You think we ought
to radio London,

tell them what happened?

Let's give them
ten minutes more.

Carter, stop cracking
your knuckles.

I'm sorry, sir.

I didn't mean to...

My hands are in my pockets!

Hold it, hold it.

I hear tapping.

Yeah.

It is a tapping.

Why, it's as though
someone were rapping,

gently rapping on my...

I'll wrap the periscope
around your neck

if you say one more word.

LeBeau, have another look, huh?

Come in, Hogan.

Hogan, come in.

Come up, Hogan, and let me...

Hogan, will you...

Ho...

Nothing...

The SS had us surrounded...

300 against seven.

They closed in,
r*fles at the ready,

machine g*ns and
mortars ringed us.

It's a good thing
you didn't try to fight.

My men are trained K*llers,

human fighting machines.

They ask no quarter
and they give none.

They don't know the meaning
of the word "surrender."

That can lead to
some nasty arguments.

However, I do know
what the word means.

I said it and I meant it.

And the look I saw on
the faces of my command

I'll remember
until my dying day.

I failed them, Hogan.

I failed them.

You, uh...

you saved the lives
of your men, Colonel.

I'd rather you
didn't call me that.

I'm a disgrace to this uniform.

A vital mission has been ruined

because I... I had
to do things my way.

You know, driving back
here, I began to think,

I realized your plan
was better than my plan.

I had the very same
thought meself, sir.

Since we're being honest,

I didn't like Colonel Hogan's
way from the very start.

Colonel Crittendon's plan...
That made sense to me,

but I said nothing
because I'm only a corporal.

Private.

It's awfully decent of
you chaps to say that,

but you got back here
without any trouble

and I had nothing but
trouble and got nowhere at all.

You did!

You escaped, and that must
have been a pretty neat trick.

Yeah, how did you
manage to get away?

Well, they ordered us
into the back of the truck.

After the last man was in,

I waited for them to
make room for me,

and while I was waiting,
the truck drove off.

They didn't realize you
were standing there?

Well, of course I
was stunned, too,

but I quickly regained my
senses and ran after them.

No offense, sir...

Why did you do a
stupid thing like that?

Well, I wanted to
be with my men.

They need a leader.

Who knows what will
happen to them without me?

That's right.

Look what happened
to them with you.

I mean, if you hadn't
surrendered, they'd be goners.

You can help them
better by being free.

Yeah, it's a good
thing it was so dark

they didn't see you.

See me?

They didn't even miss me.

I wasn't worth the
space I'd take up.

I got London on
the radio, Colonel.

Good... they must be informed

that our vital mission
has been botched.

Uh... hold it a minute, Kinch.

Time is of the essence, Hogan.

They might just be able

to fly in a second
unit to pull it off.

You have all the
details of the mission?

Of course.

The hospital is just
outside Hammelburg.

Rommel is in suite 101.

I'm to deliver him
tomorrow night at midnight

to the underground.

They'll keep him?

No, they'll take
him to the coast.

We have a sub standing by.

Then all you need are
some expert fighting men

to handle the guards.

And they aren't easy to find.

Do you have a feeling

we're about to
volunteer for something?

Come on, Colonel.

We could use some
action for a change.

This mission might
be a sticky one.

Well, we might as well try it.

You can't do any worse
than you've already done.

No offense, sir.

None taken, Sergeant.

Men, your offer
is gladly accepted.

I should warn you, though,
you may be volunteering

for an extremely
dangerous night's work.

Oh, sure, danger
is my middle name.

Yeah, we'd just be
sitting around anyway.

Fine lads.

Hogan, I'll need
your truck again.

Well, it's not exactly my truck,

but I'll ask Dad if I
can borrow the keys.

Fine... then we're all set.

Just one question, Colonel.

Oh, why is it we're
supposed to grab Rommel?

Last week, a German
sub sank one of our ships

and captured Admiral
Thomas Toddly,

head of naval intelligence.

We are going to capture Rommel
and force a prisoner exchange.

That'd be quite a coup
if we could pull it off.

There are no ifs.

This one's do or die...
A su1c1de mission.

Now, we best not
talk about it anymore.

Jerry has big ears.

I'm beginning to think we
have even bigger mouths.

Good morning, Colonel.

I'm happy...

Don't be happy, Hogan.

When I'm not happy,
nobody's happy,

and I'm not happy.

Oh, I'm sorry to see you

in such a bad humor
this morning, sir.

Any morning you see
me, I'm in a bad humor.

You know, that's right.

I wonder why that is.

Frankly, Hogan, you depress me.

Depress you?

In the morning, you mean?

Morning, afternoon, evening...

summer, winter,
autumn and spring.

You depress me, because
you're a scheming troublemaker.

Scheming troublemaker?

I resent that.

Don't bother.

I resent it enough
for both of us.

Hogan, about the truck...

It's fixed, yes?

All fixed, sir.

Fixed and ready to go...

after a few minor repairs.

But you were making
repairs all day yesterday.

Those were the major repairs.

You've got to do
the major repairs

to find the minor repairs.

Otherwise, you
wouldn't see them.

And it will be ready today?

Absolutely.

Guarantee it positively
will be ready today.

Tomorrow at the latest.

No tomorrows, Hogan.

I want it ready today.

Now, tell the men
to speed it up.

Haste makes waste, sir.

No, you make waste.

You make schemes,
you make troubles,

but there's one
thing you don't make,

and that is haste.

Then use your own mechanics.

Oh, you know very well
that General Burkhalter

has transferred my
entire maintenance crew

to bomber service.

Well, in that case,
if I were you, sir,

I wouldn't be so demanding.

You'll find my men are the kind

the more you push,
the less they do.

Who's pushing?

I'm doing nothing.

And that's exactly
what they're doing.

Colonel, look, you'll find
I'm a reasonable man.

No! You're not!

You're a sneaky troublemaker.

Scheming troublemaker.

Oh, yes.

I'm sorry.

Now, I want no more
loafing on the job.

All right, that
truck will be ready

if we have to work all night.

And I'm going to post a
guard to see that it's done.

A guard?

Now you're carrying
things too far, sir.

There's no reason in the world

for you to post a
guard over my men.

Hogan, when you say
there's no reason in the world,

that's reason enough for me.

Frau Hilda, have Sergeant
Schultz stand guard

over the men at the motor pool.

And get this, Hogan.

Tell him to take his g*n.

All right, gentlemen, take
a one-hour rest period.

Wait a minute!

Who told you to rest?

That man did.

Since when do you
take orders from him?

Since he said
"one-hour rest period."

Keep on working, men,

while I take an
hour rest period.

If you want to lie down,

there's a cot in the tool room.

Oh, sure, "Lie down in
the tool room, Schultz,

while we steal the truck," huh?

Schultzy, do you think
we would steal this truck?

No, I don't,

not while I sleep
in the back of it.

See if you can get
this thing started.

Haben Sie Feuer bitte?

He was sleeping on duty.

Disgraceful.

What's the matter with you?

Sorry about that.

Get down.

All right, Newkirk, when
we get inside the building,

go down to the
basement, cut the power.

I'll take care of that, Hogan.

I'd rather Newkirk do it.

He's the electrician.

It doesn't take an
electrician to pull a switch.

The right switch, Crittendon...

That's where the trick comes in.

Precisely why I'll
take care of the power.

I have a complete diagram
of the electrical circuit.

Why don't you let Newkirk
have a look at it, huh?

Oh, you don't think
I'd be foolish enough

to carry it with me, do you?

No, you wouldn't do that.

You'd memorize it and burn it.

Right, you are, Hogan.

That's what I was afraid of.

No need to worry.

I have a photographic memory.

My mind is like a camera.

Yeah, but how are
you fixed for film?

That diagram is tucked
away right in the old brain box.

Control system,
south wall of basement,

metal box, three switches.

Left switch, escape alarm;
middle switch, air raid siren;

right switch, main power.

Follow me, lads.

That's the doctors' lounge.

It's unoccupied right
now, so we'll go in.

The light switch is
on the wall to the right.

Aha.

I'll be darned.

It is a doctors' lounge.

Now, the guards won't
be making their rounds

for another 20 minutes.

That gives us plenty of
time for our bit of work.

Rommel is in suite 101...

Down the hall,
corridor on your left,

third door to your right.

Very good, very good.

Now, here's the ploy.

After I leave, wait 25 seconds,

then get cracking.

I'll give you five
seconds to get to the hall.

Then I'll hit the lights.

Rommel should be asleep.

Just to make sure,

this syringe contains
a powerful sedative.

It works instantly.

Use it if you have to.

Uh... Crittendon, wouldn't
you rather Newkirk go?

Colonel Crittendon
never sends a man

to do a job he
wouldn't do himself.

There must be no slipups.

Good luck, chaps.

What do you think, Colonel?

His memory seems
to be pretty good.

Yeah, so is my memory.

I can remember those six
commandos that came with him.

How's it look in the hall?

All clear.

All right, let's go.

What's that?

Mr. Memory has done it again.

All right, watch this door.

Come on, LeBeau.

Quick! Quick! Air raid!

Keep walking.

There's an air raid.

Keep walking till
the raid is over.

Crittendon! Hogan!

Rotten luck, eh?

Fine time they picked
to have an escape

and an air raid
at the same time.

Follow me.

Rommel's room is this way.

To blazes with Rommel...

We've got to get out of here.

Sir, we've got a mission.

Hogan, tell your man
who is in charge here.

Okay.

Ow!

Any questions?

Yes, sir, what do
we do with him?

Bring him along.

It's a pity.

Any word from headquarters?

Kinch is still trying
to raise them.

But what a night.

And what a mission.

Nobody's ever
going to believe us.

Well, I don't believe it myself.

We captured Field
Marshal Rommel.

Achtung! Achtung!

Raus! Raus! Raus!

Everybody, roll
call in 15 minutes!

Oh, you're an hour early!

Orders of the commandant!

He has lunch with
the field marshal.

What field marshal?

Rommel!

What do you think?

Is there anybody else
who is a field marshal?

Rommel? The Rommel?

What is he doing here?

He's recuperating
from his wounds

in a hospital nearby,

and he would like to
make an inspection.

Are you sure it's Rommel?

There's only one Desert Fox.

Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.

You can read all
about it in the paper,

but mach schnell!

Raus! Raus!

Roll call!

Oh, I got London, Colonel.

Stand by, Mama Bear.

I hope Crittendon doesn't give
us too much credit for this one.

CRITTENDON: Come in, Goldilocks.

Are you there, Goldilocks?

Speaking.

I understand we shipped
the wrong package.

Not at all, not at all.

It was a prize.

A prize or surprise?

Well, both, of course.

I mean, here we were,
trying to take Rommel,

and who do we kidnap but
Admiral Toddly himself, what?

That wasn't the plan, you know.

I know.

It's amazing how you
knew Admiral Toddly

was in the same
hospital as Rommel.

Good show.

You and your chaps
did a splendid job.

That's very flattering,

but I don't think we could
have done it without you, sir.

Oh, really?

I mean, I hardly
remember a thing,

but I suppose that's natural
in the heat of battle, what?

Yes, sir.

Well, you chaps were
such a help last night,

I've decided we'd work
together on another assignment.

Now, how does that strike you?

I'm afraid the Germans
are jamming us, Mama Bear.

CRITTENDON: Come in, Goldilocks.

Hello, Goldilocks.

You know, being
a prisoner of w*r

is a very dangerous
branch of the service.