06x19 - Fun House

[bunniefuu]

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

(CROWD EXCLAIMING)

- Have a meatball, meatball.
- (CROWD EXCLAIMING)

- Is there something wrong?
- MAGGIE: My daughter.

She didn't come home
from school today.

Hildy, I want to go
see my mother, now!

But now I have
nothing to live for.

Hildy, you have your whole life.

That poor tormented woman.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Don't be late for school, girls.

Ponch, I'm beginning to like
patrolling near a college campus.

I know deep down, you're
just a professor at heart!

(NELSON LAUGHS)

MOLD: I got it,
guys! I got it! I got it!

I got it!

I almost got it.

You got it? You got
it? You got nothing!

Listen, tie it more in the
middle, okay? In the middle!

What middle? You got the middle!

I got the middle?

Then pull down the middle!

- Just pull down on it.
- (HORN HONKING)

LARGE SLOB: Whoa!
What are you doing?

What are you doing?

(SCREAMING)

What are you doing?

(DIRTBALL SCREAMING
INDISTINCTLY)

I'm getting it! I'm getting it!

I'm getting it! I'm
almost getting it.

Hey, you're getting sweat
up your nose, you idiot.

The flip side of the campus.

DIRTBALL: Come on! Pull it up!

LARGE SLOB: What
are you doing down there?

What are you doing down
there? (SCREAMING)

- (HORN HONKING)
- Hey, jelly-head!

Are you blind? You don't see me?

Come on! Pull it up!

(HORN BLARING)

What a stupid jerk!

Good thing you're
in a car, mister!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

MAN: Yeah, who says?

(HORN HONKING)

(MEN ARGUING INDISTINCTLY)

- (HORNS HONKING)
- (TIRES SCREECHING)

(HORNS HONKING)

- (TIRES SCREECHING)
- (LARGE SLOB SCREAMING)

Dirtball! Get the ladder!

I can't hold on! I'm slipping!

(SCREAMING)

MAN: Right into the
manure. What a stink!

LA-15-MARY-6 and 7.

- (SIREN WAILING)
- We have a multiple-vehicle accident

on Westland Boulevard,
between Hilldale and Bundy.

- What a mess.
- It could've been worse.

- I guess so.
- Maybe you'd like another sh*t at it.

We were just trying to hang up
our fraternity banner for Greek Week.

- Delta Delta Tau.
- DDT. That's us!

Hi, I'm Dirtball.

LARGE SLOB: He's
our president for life.

I'm Large Slob and that's Mold.

Those are just our nicknames.

- Yeah, you're sure about that?
- DIRTBALL: Sure, we're sure.

Okay, Webster, make sure these
guys get a lift down to Central.

Oh, I was afraid you
were gonna say that.

Hey, what did we do, man?

Take a look, man.

Picky, picky, picky.

Hey, guys! What've we got?

(SNAPPING FINGERS) We got a D!

- What've we got?
- ALL: (SNAPPING FINGERS) We got a D!

What've we got?

- We've got a T.
- DDT forever! Hey! Hey! Hey!

We're ready.

Get these guys
out of here, okay?

This way, brothers.

You in back.

(SIREN WAILING)

Come on, kids.

- Hi, Bruce.
- Hey, Jack.

- Bruce, I've got a surprise for you.
- You have?

But you can't see
it until after school,

because it's not finished.

You mean you're not even
gonna give me a little hint what it is?

Well...

It's about this big,

and it has a lot of colors.

But that's all I'm
gonna tell you.

Well, I guess I'm just gonna have
to wait till after school. Aren't I?

Take care, sweetheart.

Oh. (SNIFFING)

Last but not
least for littering.

Sign right here.

One, two, three, four, five...

Five violations? We
weren't even driving!

I thought this was America.

Yeah, because it's America,

you have the right to plead
innocent to every charge.

DIRTBALL: I don't suppose any of
you would like to be our witnesses?

What is that smell?

Grossman, are you cooking up
one of your secret recipes again?

(SNIFFING)

It is you.

Hey, all we were trying to do is hang
up our fraternity banner for Greek Week.

Delta Delta Tau?

You're Delta Taus?

He's our president for life.

Hi. Dirtball.

Oh.

Oh, no.

What's wrong, Sarge?

Delta Delta Tau. That was
my old college fraternity.

What've we got?

- Uh, we got a D.
- What've we got?

We got a...

What happened to the Delta Taus?

BOTH: What do you mean?

Well, we used to be so proud!

We used to walk with our
heads up and our hair washed.

We used to be the envy of
every fraternity on campus.

What happened?

Vietnam?

You were still in short
pants during Vietnam.

All right, maybe we're
not as neat as you were,

but we're still the
envy of the campus.

That's why they're
trying to kick us off.

- Kick off the Delta Taus.
- Yeah.

I mean, they're even
blaming us for all the stealing

that's been going on lately.

Electric typewriters, laboratory
equipment, even computers.

We got a report
on it from security.

There hasn't been a
department that hasn't been hit.

I know this is
gonna sound crazy,

but why would anyone be
envious of the Delta Taus?

Because we're gonna
slaughter them for Greek Week.

(BOTH SNARLING)

What's this Greek Week?

That's when the different
fraternities get together

and compete in games
of skill and honor.

It still is that, isn't it?

Sure, it is.

Last year, we won
three gold medals.

Pizza Pig-Out, Egg Salad
Relay, and Sticky Wet Toga.

There's 5,000 bucks at
stake, and we want that money!

For our favorite
charity, of course.

Which is?

(STAMMERING)

BOTH: Uh...

Children's Liver Foundation.

Hey, that's our
favorite charity.

What a coincidence.

But we're never gonna get
a chance to win that money

for those kids.

(IMITATES SNIFFLING) Not if we
get kicked off campus for those thefts.

(FAKE SOBBING)

And you say you don't
know anything about it?

You have our DDT honor.

Okay. (SCOFFS)

Okay.

For the past glories of DDT and
the Children's Liver Foundation,

we're gonna
look into it for you,

but if you're lying, brothers,

the DDTs are gonna have
to answer to the CHPs.

Well, do you like it?

BRUCE: It's beautiful.

And it looks just like me.

My teacher had to help
me with the face a little,

but I did everything
else myself.

You can have it if you want.

All right. Ready?

Boy, that's some picture.

Okay, you go straight
home now, okay?

- I will. See you tomorrow, Bruce.
- Bye-bye.

Thanks for the picture.

HILDY: Lindsey. Lindsey, honey.

I'm Hildy, a good
friend of your mother's.

We work in the same
real estate office together,

and your mother had to drive down
to San Diego to look at some property.

She didn't tell me she
was going to San Diego.

She didn't know until
after you went to school.

She called your principal,
Mrs. Ellery. Didn't she tell you?

No.

Oh, dear. It probably
slipped her mind.

Well, anyway, your mother asked
me to look after you till she gets back.

Hop in.

My mother told me
never to go with strangers.

And that's very good advice,

but I'm not a stranger, honey.

Your mother's told me so much
about you, I feel like we're old friends.

I bet I even know what your
very favorite ice cream is.

What?

Cherry vanilla.

It's mine, too. (LAUGHS)

So what do you say
we go to my house

and have ourselves a
super cherry-vanilla party.

It's all right, Lindsey.

Your mother's gonna pick
you up there in a little while.

Come on.

Okay.

That's a sweetheart.

Fasten your seatbelt, Lindsey.

So far, it's unanimous.

Everyone we've talked to feels the
DDTs have something to do with the theft.

Still no proof.

I know, but where
there's smoke there's fire.

- (MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
- (ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Yeah, and where there's a wreck on wheels,
there's an accident waiting to happen.

(SIREN WAILING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Oh, man.

(ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

What now?

Listen! We were barely moving!

In this wreck, anything faster
than a dead stop is speeding.

When was the last time you
had your brakes checked?

Look at these tires, I can
see right through them.

What's this black stuff
oozing out of your tailpipe?

All the lights are
busted, Ponch.

That's an exaggeration!

There's one on the dashboard
that works good as new!

(METAL CLANGING)

(CLEARS THROAT) Excuse
me, Officer Poncherello, is it?

My name is Mark
Anthony Harlington III,

and this is my associate
and fraternity brother,

Renzlow T. Johnson II.

- Officer.
- Alpha Kappa Gamma.

And we'd just like you to know

that this, uh, wreck
you see before you

suits the Delta Taus to a tee.

- I'll fit you to a tee!
- All right, knock it off!

Ponch?

Just cool it.

- Did you find another vehicle violation?
- Uh-uh.

Three electric typewriters.

"Property of the
college library."

(GRUNTS) b*at us
with the rubber hoses!

Stretch us on the rack!

Break our bones
into little tiny pieces!

But you'll never make a DDT
confess to a crime he didn't commit!

- Right?
- LARGE SLOB AND MOLD: Right!

(SCREAMING)

(WHEEZING LOUDLY)

- You finished?
- Yeah.

PONCH: Then how about telling us

how these typewriters ended
up in the back of your van.

- We told you! We're ignorant of it!
- We didn't even know they were there.

Look, we don't even type.

Can't you see it's just a plot
to get us kicked off campus?

Well, in that case you won't mind
if we search your fraternity house?

Fraternity house?

Well, uh, I tell you what,

the house is a little
messy at the moment,

so, let us go home and straighten
up, and I'll give you a call, okay?

Can't be any worse than
your van. Come on, let's go.

- Want to bet?
- Let's go.

- You recognize her, Bruce?
- Yes, her name's Lindsey.

She drew a picture
for me today, Sarge.

This is Lindsey's
mom, Mrs. Vane.

Bruce is helping out
at the school crossing

while the traffic light
is being repaired.

Is there something wrong?

My daughter, she didn't
come home from school today,

and I'm worried sick about her.

Do you remember seeing
her this afternoon, Bruce?

Yes, I helped her cross.

Then she turned the
corner at Sycamore Street.

That's the way she always goes.

We only live a couple
of blocks from the school.

Maybe she went to
play at a friend's house.

MAGGIE: No.

I called all of her friends.

I drove up and down
the neighborhood.

(VOICE BREAKING) I looked
everywhere I could think of.

Was anyone with her
when you saw her?

No.

Did you happen to notice
anyone hanging around the school?

No.

Wait a second.

I did see this woman yesterday,
and I noticed her again today,

but I just thought she
was one of the mothers.

Was there anything
unusual about her?

BRUCE: Yes.

She seemed very
sad about something.

Do you think you could help us
out with a composite drawing?

Sure. I'll get started
on it right away, Sarge.

Mrs. Vane, don't worry,
we'll find your daughter.

Oh, God, I hope so.

(SOBBING) I hope so.

I don't think I've ever seen so
many pretty toys in all my life!

Well, then just play with
them as long as you want.

Why do you have them, Hildy,
if you don't have any children?

Well, for very
special occasions,

like this one today.

Maybe my mother will let me
come over and play again sometimes.

Oh, yes, I'm sure she will.

Now, how would you
like to help me fix dinner?

Dinner?

But I thought I was
going home soon.

Well, that was
the original plan,

but your mother called
a few minutes ago,

and said she was having
trouble with her car,

and would probably have to
spend the night in San Diego.

Well, she asked if you
could spend the night here,

and I said I'd be delighted.

Why didn't you
let me talk to her?

Because you were in
the bathroom, pumpkin,

and she was in a hurry to get
to a garage before they closed.

Lindsey, you're not afraid
of me anymore, are you?

No, why should I be afraid?

Oh, that's a sweetheart.

Now, if I'm not mistaken,

your mother told me you loved
hamburgers and French fries.

- Right?
- You bet.

Then come on.

And after dinner, I've got a
very special surprise for you.

LINDSEY: What is it?

HILDY: Well, you'll just
have to wait and see.

LINDSEY: Okay.

MAN: Hey, over here!
WOMAN 1: Throw the ball to me.

- WOMAN 2: Turn the music up in there!
- (MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, how about giving
your president for life

a piece of that pizza.

- Sure.
- You like my bird, huh? (LAUGHS)

Have some pizza.

Definitely needs sugar.

There's nothing here, Ponch.

Chances are they're too smart
to keep the stuff in the house.

You want a drink?

(GASPS)

- That's funny. That's real funny.
- (MOLD LAUGHING)

Have a meatball, meatball.

(CROWD EXCLAIMING, CHEERING)

Needs a little more garlic.

On second thought,
maybe they are being set up.

So, uh, you gentlemen
find anything?

No, but that doesn't mean the DA's
forgetting about those stolen typewriters.

So, you boys better
stay out of trouble.

Listen, you got our DDT
honor, huh. (SNAPS FINGERS)

That's what I'm afraid of.

Oh, excuse me.

Bonjour, Professor Dirtball.

I hope I am not late
for my anglais lesson.

Dirtball teaches you English?

Oui and he does
not even charge me.

He is such a generous man.

(LAUGHS) What can I say, guys?

(DIRTBALL SPEAKING FRENCH)

KATHY: Do you
recognize her, sir?

CRINGLE: Uh, you'll
have to forgive me.

My eyes, they never
were what they should be.

- Take your time, Mr...
- Cringle.

- Cringle like in...
- Oh, no, no, no. He spells his with a "K."

- Oh. (LAUGHS)
- Now you say that she lives in this...

Well, she was seen
in this neighborhood.

We don't know her name
or anything else about her.

We've canvassed the entire area,
checked with the other merchants.

So far, no one seems to
know anything about her.

Do you know her?

Yes, she comes in here every
once in a while to buy a toy.

And then once she asked
for a little English riding doll,

and I didn't have one,

so I told her I'd try
to order one for her,

and she gave me her name.
I've got it here somewhere.

Here, here we are.

Hildy Hopkins. Yes.

No address, phone number?

No. No. I asked her, but
she wouldn't give it to me.

Well, you've still been
a big help, Mr. Cringle.

Yes, if she comes again, can
you please call us at this number?

- Yes, certainly.
- Thank you very much.

Uh, you know, I was always
very curious about that woman.

- Why is that?
- Well, all those toys she bought,

and yet, I never, ever
saw her with a child.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

You know, brother Harlington,
with that set of keys you've collected,

you're wasting your
time going to college.

Nonsense, old chap.

They'll come in handy
when I enter politics.

I'll grab a couple of
these microscopes.

They should be worth
at least a couple of grand.

You do that,

and I'll get a little going-away
present for our DDT friends.

You mean we're going to
plant something else on them?

Not just something, my good man.

But this.

- What is it?
- Who knows?

I'm a political science major, not
a chemist, but it looks important,

and the police should be pretty mad
when they find it in the DDT house.

- (BOTH CHUCKLING)
- Come on, let's go.

A little late for
delivery, isn't it?

That's the lab building.

Hang on, brother Renzlow,
it's the CHP fraternity.

- Let's take a look.
- (ENGINES REVVING)

(SIREN WAILING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(WOMAN SCREAMS)

(SIREN WAILING)

LA-15-MARY-6 and 7.

We have an auto fire
at Baxter University.

Roll fire and ambulance.

- Can you move?
- I think so.

All right, come on,
we'll get you out of here.

Come on, everybody. Let's
move, let's move. Come on.

Let's go, Come on,
Ponch. Hurry up.

Thank you.

It's okay.

NELSON: Ponch, we're
gonna get those guys.

- Nothing upstairs.
- Hey, Ponch?

This Hildy Hopkins is
a real mystery woman.

No driver's license, credit
cards, voter registration.

It's like she didn't
exist until a month ago.

Is that when she
rented this house?

Yeah, I finally got the address
from the water and power company.

There's no question
she moved out.

BRUCE: And there's no
question Lindsey was here.

She drew another
picture of me, Ponch.

You find something?

Doctor's appointment card.

Come on, let's check it out.

It's one of my
appointment cards, all right.

But I don't have a patient
named Hildy Hopkins.

We found that in her apartment.

That's why we've asked
you to come down to Central.

You said you had
a picture of her.

Yes, just a composite drawing,
but it might be of some help.

Hildy Hopkins.

Hildy, Hildy.

Wait, Hopkins isn't her
last name. It's Harper.

Hildy Harper.

- You're sure?
- Yes.

That's why we had such a hard
time getting any information on her.

Well, she only came to me a few
times after she'd suffered a tragic loss.

What happened?

Dr. Brothers,

we understand the
doctor-patient relationship,

but this could be a
matter of life and death.

Her daughter was
k*lled in a traffic accident,

and she was just
seven years old.

- Did she have blond hair, blue eyes?
- Yes.

So does Lindsey Vane.

Well, then it all makes sense.

She may have taken
the child as a replacement

for the little girl she lost.

That poor tormented woman.

Dr. Brothers, do you have any idea
where she might've taken Lindsey?

I didn't have a chance
to know her very well.

Well, maybe she said
something that could help us.

She spoke a few times
about going to Mexico.

She said if she
had it to live over,

she would take her daughter
to a little village in Mexico

where there weren't
as many cars.

Bruce, alert the US
Border Patrol in Mexico.

I'll make arrangements for us
to fly down there by chopper.

Good as done, Ponch.

Thank you, Dr. Brothers,
for your help.

I just hope you find them.

I'm afraid this is not
one of our better days.

Not only is Lindsey
Vane still missing,

but I just got word that
the canister that was stolen

from the college lab yesterday

contains a very deadly virus

which was being studied in
hopes of finding an antitoxin.

Do we know what
the canister looks like?

Yeah, I had Grossman pick
one up to show us. Grossie?

(ALL CHUCKLING)

Gentlemen.

(CLEARING THROAT)

- (LAUGHS) Fellow officers.
- (ALL LAUGHING)

This is what we're looking for.

Looks harmless to me.

Well, that's what the people of
Pompeii said about Mount Vesuvius.

But if this canister
had the virus inside it,

which it doesn't,

and if someone
pulled this lever,

or broke open the canister, and
if even one tiny drop escaped...

Well, what would
happen, Grossie?

All I can say is,

there goes the entire
population within a 10-mile radius.

- Ahem. Excuse me.
- Oh.

The other authorities
have been notified,

along with medical
facilities for treating patients,

and the Red Cross.

What about plans for evacuation?

- Already in the works.
- What do we tell the public?

Nothing at the moment. We
don't want to start a panic.

Any other questions?

All right, let's get out
there and find that canister.

- (MUSIC PLAYING)
- DIRTBALL: Oh, perfect.

Just perfect.

Straighten your shoulders up.

Oh, yes.

Are you sure I will learn
English better in a bathing suit,

Professor Dirtball?

(LAUGHS) Indeed,
mon chérie, indeed.

(INHALES DEEPLY) Haven't you
ever heard of "body English"? (LAUGHS)

Now, breathe. Oh. Pant, pant.

(BOTH PANTING)

Perfect. Perfect.
That's nice. That's good.

That's good. Feel
confident about yourself.

I'm confident, confident!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

RENZLOW: How are the police
gonna know where to find it?

MARK: We're going
to tell them, dummy.

DIRTBALL: Now breathe
right from the diaphragm.

(DIRTBALL AND CHERIE
BREATHING DEEPLY)

DIRTBALL: That's
right. That's right.

Now, now, read the book.

Read the book as
you're breathing.

See Mary run.

- See Jack run after Mary.
- (DIRTBALL READING ALONG)

Oh, and they're running so hard
they're out of breath. (PANTING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Mold, you're a
slob, a real slob.

Thanks, but maybe I'd better
change my shirts anyway.

Where's a clean shirt?
I got to find a clean one.

(METAL CLANGS)

What's this?

Here, let me have it.

Hmm.

(INDISTINCT POLICE
RADIO CHATTER IN SPANISH)

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

Thanks, ma'am.

- Any luck, Ponch?
- Not yet.

The Mexican authorities
are gonna join in the search,

in case they've already
crossed the border.

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

I can't believe what's
happened to the old fraternity.

We used to be so
sensitive. So mature.

- Sergeant Getraer, this picture...
- Yeah. What about it?

It looks familiar.

It's you, isn't it?

Oh, well, it looks
like me, doesn't it?

Looks like you're pouring a
bottle of ketchup over your head.

Well, to relieve the tension of
exams, we'd let ourselves go a little.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Uh, Webster, Grossman,
you find anything?

Dirty clothes.

- And a lot of leftover pizzas.
- Ugh.

GROSSMAN: What about you guys?

At least a ton of sweaty socks.

- But no canister.
- Mmm. Let's go.

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

I told you we didn't have it.

An anonymous
caller said you did.

Sure. It's all a plot to
get us kicked off campus.

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

You are my slaves...

Dirtball, I can't imagine why
anyone would want you off campus.

(GETRAER EXHALES DEEPLY)

Yeah? Yeah?

Well, there's no
accounting for little minds!

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

GETRAER: Nelson,
you alert the authorities,

in case we have to
evacuate the campus,

and the surrounding communities.

You three check the
other houses, all right?

Looks like they didn't find it.

Well, what do you expect
from public servants, Renzlow?

Guess we'll just have to
give them a little more help.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

(METAL CLANGING)

Hildy, didn't you say we were gonna
pick my mother up in San Diego?

Yes, sweetheart, her car's going to
take longer to fix than she thought.

But the sign said San
Diego's back that way.

This is the way to Mexico.

HILDY: I know, pumpkin,

but, uh, I thought as long as
we're so close, it might be fun to see.

Your mother wouldn't mind.

Hildy, I want to go
see my mother, now.

Please, Hildy, take
me to my mother.

It's Bruce! It's Bruce!

Ponch, that's Lindsey.

Oh, Bruce, I'll never
go with a stranger again.

That's right.

But you're safe now.
We're gonna take you home.

(SEAGULLS SQUAWKING)

PONCH: Hildy.

Hildy, I just want to help you.

All right?

I didn't hurt the child.

I just wanted to
take care of her.

- To love her.
- I know that.

But her place is
with her mother.

Yes.

- But now I have nothing to live for.
- Sure, you do.

Hildy, you have your whole life.

My little girl was my life,

and she's gone. (SOBBING)

Hildy, you're still young,

you can have more babies.

But you need some help first.

And I'll see that you get
that help, I promise you.

It's too late.

No, it's never too late.

If you want
something bad enough,

you can get it.

- I just want to be a mother again.
- And you will be.

Trust me.

(HILDY CRYING)

(CROWD CHEERING AND SHOUTING)

Pull! Pull! What've we got?

- Give me a D!
- DDT GIRL 2: What've we got?

DDT GIRL 3: Give me a D!
DDT GIRL 2: What've we got?

DDT GIRL 3: Give me a T!
DDT GIRL 2: What've we got?

DDT GIRLS: DDT forever!

(GIRLS SHOUTING)

(DIRTBALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

Wait a second. Wait!

That's two against
one! It's not fair!

Why don't you give her
a little hand, Dirtball, huh?

- MAN: Give him a hand, Dirtball.
- I will, Anthony III.

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

(CROWD EXCLAIMING)

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

I keep telling them more garlic.

Oh, I guess that ties us for
first place, doesn't it, Dirtball?

How would you like a
face full of marinara, huh?

(VEHICLES APPROACHING)

(LAUGHS)

DIRTBALL: Please, out of my way.

Great.

Okay, Mold.

This is the big one. This is
the one for all the enchiladas.

Yeah!

Don't worry. Don't worry. I'm King
of the Pizza Pig-Out, remember?

(LARGE SLOB AND MOLD GRUNTING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Dirtball.

That!

(BLOB GRUNTING AND PANTING)

That's a 250-pound mouth!

(GRUNTING LOUDLY)

(SNARLING)

Wait a second. Wait a second.
He's not an Alpha Kappa Gamma!

He's one of our new pledges.

Where've you been
keeping him, in a cage?

WOMAN: On your mark, get set,

go!

(CROWD CHEERING)

(BLOB GRUNTING)

What are you waiting
for, a dinner bell?

(CROWD CHEERING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- (PEOPLE LAUGHING)
- (BELL RINGS)

(BELL RINGS)

(BELL RINGS)

- (PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)
- (BELL RINGS)

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Dirtball.

- What do you guys want now?
- We just got another anonymous call.

You already searched
the whole house.

Officers, if I may.

There's been a lot of talk around
campus, rumors and such, and...

Well, I might have an idea
where that canister's been hidden.

If you'd allow me to show you.

Be our guest,
Mr. Harlington III.

Let's go, Dirtball.

(BELL RINGING)

Come on, come on! I'm
missing the Pizza Pig-Out contest.

- It's not in here.
- It has to be.

What makes you so sure?

(STAMMERS) Well, I told you, uh,

I heard talk.

What kind of talk, Harlington?

Well, that, uh, Dirtball had stolen
the canister and hid it in this closet.

You little pretzel!

Is that what you
heard, too, Renzlow?

Yeah, sure.

- I think you're lying.
- Why would I lie?

Because you don't want to be blamed
if that canister leaks, and people die.

- Die?
- You heard him.

Why would anyone blame me?

Because we think you know a
lot more than you're telling us.

(CHUCKLES) Hey, I
don't know anything.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) And
we've got to go back to the games.

This is no game, Renzlow.

You do know where
that canister is, don't you?

- No.
- Tell us.

- Well, it was in the closet.
- How do you know?

- Uh... Because...
- Renzlow, old fraternity brother.

How do you know, man?

Because...

We put it there. But it wasn't
my idea, it was Mark's idea.

All the thefts were his idea.

Ah, going somewhere, Caesar?

- Straight to Central.
- This one, too.

Okay, take them away.

- What about the canister?
- It's still missing.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

(BELL DINGS)

(CROWD CHEERING)

DDT GIRL 2: Mold,
make a pig of yourself!

LARGE SLOB:
That's a good little boy.

You eat up all your din-din,

and daddy will buy you
a nice ice cream cone.

DDT GIRL 3: Stuff it for DDT!

(CROWD CHEERING)

LARGE SLOB: We did it!

We won!

BRUCE: There it is.

MAN: Here. Whack this.

- (LOUD THUD)
- (BELL DINGS)

BRUCE: Ponch, you all right?

Yeah, except for
hearing bells, I'm fine.

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

Did you know there were almost
150 official holidays in Ancient Greece?

Which means the average Greek
worked less than eight months a year.

- Maybe that's why it disappeared.
- (ALL LAUGHING)

Just like our friends Large
Slob, Dirtball and Mold.

- That, my good man, is an untruth.
- (MAN GROANS)

Bruce spotted them
leaving the fraternity house.

The back way.

Would you believe we were
just on our way over here?

ALL: No way.

Well, then in that case I guess I must
present you with this check for $5,000

to the Children's Liver
Foundation. (LAUGHS)

MOLD: The 5 grand
we won at the games.

That sticky stuff
there is pizza.

(GETRAER CHUCKLES LIGHTLY)

You know something,
you guys have a lot of class.

Hey, come on, Sarge,
they're DDTs, remember?

(SNAPPING FINGERS)

- What've we got?
- DIRTBALL AND MOLD: We got a D!

- (LAUGHS) What've we got?
- ALL: We got a D!

- PONCH: What've we got?
- DIRTBALL AND MOLD: We got a T!

ALL: DDT forever!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)