05x10 - Thelma's Brief Encounter

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When are you gonna finish
that homework, Michael?

You promised we
could play Go Fish.

Later, Penny.

I'm still doin' my science.

Well, tell me what
your lesson is,

and maybe I can help you.

I don't think so.

We're studying the feasibility

of inserting geodesic
domes into space,

for the purpose of
human colonization.

Now did you understand that?

Every word!

Except the part about
"skeezix" and the gnomes.

Well it just means that

in a few years from now,

they're gonna put 100,000 people

into space to live.

They'll stay there
for a couple of years.

Won't they have to come
back down to use the bathroom?

No.

They're gonna go up there.

They will?

Hi, y'all!

Hi, Willona!

Whoo-wee!

All I can say is, T.G.I.F.!

What does "tigif" mean?

That means, "Thank
God It's Friday!"

But today, that means,

"This Girl Is Footsore!"

In my school, we say
it's P.O.E.T.S. Day.

Oh! What's Poets Day?

Pooh On Everything!
Tomorrow's Saturday!

That's cute.

What'd you do today?
Were you a good girl?

Yup!

I've been helping
Michael with his science.

Willona?

If we all go up to live
in space someday,

can we in the same
ghetto as the Evans'?

Oh, honey.

If that day is ever possible,

I hope there is no more
ghettos to deal with.

Speaking of "skeezik gnomes,"
look who just walked in.

Mr. Miguel, scoff if you will.

But your older, smarter brother,

The Gumshoe of the Ghetto,

has successfully
been stalking the dude

that Thelma's been
mysteriously dating.

I don't believe it!

You found out about Lloyd?

No, he gave me the slip
for the third day in a row.

Oh.

Oh boy.

Mama, who's this Lloyd?

Honey, I don't know
that much about him.

Except Thelma never
brings him around.

Maybe she doesn't want
him to see his handicap.

Handicap?

J.J., we haven't
even met him yet.

So how do you know
he has a handicap?

Michael, any dude
going out with Thelma,

can't be playin'
with a full deck.

You know what is so
strange about this Lloyd?

He never sees Thelma at night.

He just sees her at lunchtime.

Hm, you know, that
is strange, Willona.

How could Thelma fall in love

over a hamburger?

Well, in the words
of that great poet,

Rodney Allen Rippy,

"Happiness is a warm bun."

♪ Hold the pickles
Hold the lettuce ♪

♪ Get the dishes Set the table ♪

I'll start dinner.

I don't get it.

Why are you following
Lloyd all over town?

Easy, Penny.

There's something
strange about a dude

we never see at night.

And I don't like
him dating my sister.

Only thing I know about this cat

is that he works
in a toy company.

A toy company?

Then he can't be that bad.

Mm... dude's
probably giving secrets

to the Russians of Frisbees.

Worse than that, honey.

He could be married.

Married?

And datin' my sister?

Boy, I'll pulverize the man!

I'll tear him limb from limb!

I'll rip his lips off!

But, Mama.

If Lloyd's married,

why's he going out with Thelma?

The same reason you came
back for a second piece of pie.

Huh?

I'll explain it to you
when you get older, baby.

Oh!

It's another one of those.

Yes, another one of those!

Hi, everybody!

J.J. Hey! MICHAEL: Hi, Thelma.

All right, girl. Where you been?

Oh, I was out shopping
for a present for Lloyd.

Hm, you know, Thelma,
you've been seeing a lot

of this Lloyd dude lately.

What's going on
between y'all two?

Hey, come on now.

He's just a very nice guy.

Well, Thelma, if
he's such a nice guy,

why don't you invite him over

to one of your special
home cooked meals? Ha.

So we can all get to meet him.

Yeah.

And if he's really your friend,

you'll tell him to have dinner

before he gets here.

Willona, like I said,

he can't come over at night
because he works nights.

Yeah, I've heard
that line before.

And where have you
heard that line before?

From me. I use it all the time!

Thelma, honey, what kind of work

does Lloyd do at night?

Well, it's a top secret job.

And he really
can't talk about it.

Maybe he is a spy!

There go the Frisbees!

Thelma, honey, listen.

We'd really like to meet Lloyd.

Why don't you bring him over?

Unless, of course,
you're... ashamed of us.

Oh, come on, Willona.

I'm proud of
everybody in this room.

That's right!

Almost everybody.

Hey, wait a minute!

What's all these
little funny remarks

goin' on around here?

Oh, all right. I get it.

Because I don't
see Lloyd at night,

you think that
he's married, huh?

Oh! Ha! Are you kidding?

Oh, honey!

That thought never
entered our minds!

Yes it did! Willona said...

What did you say, Willona?

Well, honey, I said
he sounds married.

Now come on over here, honey.

I'll give you a little test.

You see, there are five
signs to a married man.

Okay. Number one.

Does he take you out at night?

No.

Okay, number two.

Does he want to
meet your friends?

Well, no, he never
said he didn't wa...

Three.

Did he ever take
you to his place?

No.

Number four.

Did he give you his
home phone number?

Willona, he doesn't
have a phone.

Five.

Oh, I know five!

Does he ever ask for
a second piece of pie?

Oh.

Five.

I was just trying to help.

I know, you just help
yourself to a seat.

All right, five.

Is he extra specially
nice to you?

Oh, yes, Willona.

He opens up doors for me,

and he pulls back chairs.

And he never stops
paying me compliments.

Mm-hm. That sucker
is married for sure.

Yeah, cause, ya see,

married men are like Avis.

They have to try harder.

I tell you he is not married!

And besides, I'm a big girl now,

and I can take care
of my own affairs.

I mean relationships.

Hey, wait a minute.

I'm having lunch
with Lloyd tomorrow.

So I'll just ask him to
come to dinner, okay?

And he'll come!

You'll see. He'll come!

Thelma.

Hey, love.

You've hardly
touched your salad.

Hey, come on, baby.

Now, if there's something
on your mind, tell me.

You know, we only get to
spend this time together.

You know, we only
meet at lunchtime,

and all I know
about you is that,

you like your
hamburgers medium rare.

With no mayo.

Well, a woman should know

how her man likes his lunch.

Yeah, and a woman
should also know

where her man spends his nights.

Thelma.

Hey.

Hey, did I ever tell you...

How much I love your eyes?

Lloyd.

Yeah, I do. You told me that.

But I wanna ask you something.

Little something.

What little something
you wanna...

Are you married?

Married?

Whatever put an idea
like that into your head?

I know it sounded
silly and everything.

But you know our
neighbor, Willona? Oh, yeah.

She has this test.

"The five sure signs
of a married man."

And I passed.

With honors.

Lloyd, I believe
you, but... Hey, um.

Why don't you come
over for dinner tonight?

Please?

Oh...

Thelma, your happiness
means everything to me.

And if it'll make
you happy, then,

I'll try and come to
dinner tonight, okay?

Oh, Lloyd, thank you!

Hey, Romeo!

You want anything else?

That's on the menu.

Yeah, how 'bout
the check, please.

Coming right up.

Well, have you decided
anything yet, Mr. Bogart?

Shh!

C'mon, I don't have
all day, ya know.

Then, uh...

Just bring me a cup
of coffee, sweetheart.

Ah, Mr. Big Spender, huh?

Look, it says here.

$1.25 minimum per person.

Then, uh, bring me
five cups of coffee.

Sorry, I need a food order.

I can't let you sit
here without an order.

Now I want an order, ya hear?

All right, you want an order?

Leave me alone!

Here ya go, lover.

Thank you. Mm-hm.

Hey, where ya going,
Mr. Big Spender?

Uh, I'm in a hurry. Could
you give me the check?

You trying to stiff
me or something?

Uh, no, my dear, could
you just write out the check.

Okay, hold onto your
shirt, Diamond Jim.

Could you hurry up there?

Here you go,
sport. That's $1.32.

Ya think you can handle it?

I think so. Here ya go.

Dollar... thirty-five.

Thank you, keep the change.

Taxi!

Three cents.

And I didn't think he
would be a big tipper.

Willona, are you sure Lloyd
is coming to dinner tonight?

Well, Thelma said he
was, and he'd better.

After all this work I have done.

Oo-la-la!

Mm!

Ze Medallions of ze beef. Ha!

With the fresh spring carrots,

and the small, pearl onions,

and the whole baby potatoes.

It is a meal fit for a king!

Whoa, Willona, that
really sounds fancy.

What do you call it?

Stew!

Oh, don't tell me!

Don't tell me.

Ya lost him again!

Not this time, Willona.

This time I had
the knack of Kojak,

and I was better than Baretta!

Is he or isn't he married?

Well, I got good news for y'all.

At the end of a working day,

Lloyd Williams does
not go home to a wife.

That's good! Thank goodness!

But, I did find out where
he does go home to.

Where? Where?

The slammer.

Lloyd's in jail.

In jail?

J.J., is this another
one of your jokes?

No, Willona. The
man's in prison.

Hold on.

You mean he's a guard.

No, Michael.

He's wearing stripes.

And he's not a zebra.

I can't believe it!

Lloyd in prison.

That's impossible, J.J.

Now if the man is in jail,
how is he meeting Thelma?

Hm, maybe he
breaks out for lunch.

He doesn't have
to. They let him out.

Just to see Thelma.

That's part of his punishment.

The man's in a halfway house.

A halfway house?

Yeah, Willona, I
know what that is.

It's a place halfway
between bein' free,

and bein' in prison.

They send a guy there
whose sentence is almost up.

That way, he can
work in the daytime.

Then he can adjust
to the outside world.

Dating Thelma isn't adjustment.

That's shock treatment.

You know, I wonder
what he was in for.

Maybe he was a m*rder*r.

Oh, wait a minute, now.

Do they put murderers
in the halfway house?

Uh-uh.

Most of the time they put
them back on the streets.

If he's in the halfway house,

he must be in there for
a white-collar offense.

Hm, like stranglin' a priest.

Well, if you're all finished
playing "What's My Crime,"

I'll tell y'all what
Lloyd's in for.

You mean you found
out, J.J.? What is it?

Well, y'all.

What I found out, is that...

Lloyd was married before.

J.J., they can't put
you in jail for that.

To two women.

J.J., they can't put you
in jail for that, either.

At the same time?

Now, that they can
put you in jail for.

Good Lord!

Thelma's going
out with a bigamist!

Uh oh. That's them.

Act natural!

Come in!

Hi.

Is dinner ready?

Ah. Not yet, baby.

Why don't you, uh,

go back home and
do your homework.

I already did.

Well, do tomorrow's homework.

Oh, boy.

If you keep talking about things

you don't want me to hear,

I'll be the smartest
kid in class.

Uh, Gramps, do me a favor.

Yeah?

Keep Penny company
for a little while.

Ah sure, Willona.

Hey, Willona. Are
you gonna tell Thelma?

Honey, I don't know.

You know, it's so strange,

the woman is always
the last one to know.

No, she isn't.

I am.

Girl!

J.J., maybe we'll be lucky,

and Lloyd won't
show up after all.

Yeah, maybe he won't be able

to give the
bloodhounds the slip.

Oh, J.J.

How are we gonna tell Thelma
she's involved with a bigamist?

I mean, how are we
gonna tell her that?

Uh, simple, Willona.

We'll get 'em the
towels for their wedding,

we'll just have
monogrammed on there,

"His, Hers and Hers."

Oh, J.J., I'm worried
about Thelma.

Yeah, so am I, Willona.

I guess we're just
gonna have to tell her.

J.J., you don't understand.

Thelma's in love.

And when a woman's in
love, everything is different.

Take it from me, honey.

If you tell her the
truth about Lloyd now,

you'll break her heart.

Hi, everybody!

I'd like you to meet Lloyd.

Oh, hello, Lloyd. How are you?

I've heard a lot about you.

Well, hello, I've heard
a lot about you, too.

But I can see that Thelma's
praise was much too modest.

Mm-hm.

And the licorice stick with
ears, is my brother, J.J.

So this is J.J., huh?

Well, I've heard that, uh,

you're quite a dude with
the ladies, huh, man?

Yeah, I thought I was,

but I guess I'm nothing

compared to some
other people I know.

Well, let me take your coat,
and everybody sit down.

I'll check on the dinner.

Hey, where are
Michael and Penny?

Well, uh,

Penny was sentenced
to do her homework,

and, uh... Michael
is guarding her.

Michael, that's your
other brother, right?

Well, I understand he's
going to become a lawyer?

Yeah, he's going to
work for the legal reform.

Well, we sure could use it.

Yeah, some of us
need it more than others.

Lloyd, uh, would you
care for a chicken wing?

Thank you very much.

♪ If I had the wings
Of a chicken ♪

J.J., what are you doing?

Oh, Thelma, honey, come on.

You know J.J.

He's always saying weird things.

Sometimes I could
just lock him up,

and throw him in a cell,
and throw away the key.

Well, uh, Willona,

I think I'll go put the
bread and water, I mean...

Bread and butter on the table.

Hm-hm.

Uh, I can tell something
weird is going on around here,

but I don't know
what's happening,

and I apologize for
it, Lloyd, I really do.

Oh, you don't have
to apologize, Thelma.

You may not know what's
going on around here,

but he does.

I do?

I do!

Doesn't that sound
a little familiar, Lloyd?

I do, I do.

Listen, Mr. Two Timer.

You better go on and hurry up

and tell Thelma,
otherwise I will!

Tell me wha...?

Well.

Uh.

Come here, baby.

See, Thelma, there is something

that I should have
told you from the start.

I, uh... Well, I'm doin' time.

What?

There is no
mysterious, you know,

government night
job, and all that.

I have to take a bus

after I leave the
job at the toy store,

and go to a... halfway house.

Oh, Lloyd.

Well, I had to get
special permission

just to come here tonight.

I'm sorry, princess, I...

Well, I wanted to
tell you from the start,

but I was afraid
that I would lose you.

Mm-hm. Yeah.

Look here, Lloyd.

That's very nice of you
to confess and everything.

But you didn't have to do that
on account of me and Willona.

I mean, this is between
you and Thelma, ya know?

Tell her the rest!

Uh, I don't wanna
hear any more, okay.

I don't wanna hear
any more of this.

I think you'll wanna hear this.

Tell her, Lloyd.

Uh, Willona, it really doesn't
matter! Ya know what I mean?

Uh, I think Lloyd's
got one or two

more things to tell you.

You heard the lady.

She's not interested.

Thelma, honey,

I know this is
hurting you a little bit,

but it's best you know
the whole truth now,

so you can end it!

End it?! Who said
anything about ending it?

Thelma, he's been
lying to you ev...!

Lying!

Willona, he lied to me
because he loves me.

And whatever else he's done,

he's paying for it right now!

Oh, Willona, give
the man a chance!

Hey, Thelma, baby.

You don't know what it means

for me to hear you say that.

Thelma.

Ask him what he was in jail for.

Look, I don't care!

I mean, Willona,

we were brought up
to forgive and forget.

To love a person for what he is,

not for what he was,

or for what we want him to be.

Lloyd.

I mean, it doesn't matter...

It really doesn't matter
to me what you did, okay?

Because I have faith in you.

Ah, Thelma, baby.

You're one hell of a lady.

I love you!

Well, if you love her,

why don't you
tell her the truth?

All right.

All right.

I will.

Oh, come on! Stop it, now!

Stop it! Thelma.

I don't wanna hear it.
I don't need to hear it.

Thelma!

Unless-unless Lloyd
really wants to tell me.

Thelma.

You see, uh... I was, uh...

Convicted for... Embezzlement!

Oh! Oh!

I took some money...

I took some money
that didn't belong to me,

legally, ya know?

Brother, that ain't all you took

that wasn't legally
yours, you know?

Are you satisfied now, Willona?

He told me the truth!
Now get off my case!

Well, Willona. I
gotta tell her now.

No, J.J.!

You can't! She'll
hate you for it!

I'm her brother, Willona.
She'll love me forever.

Lloyd and I have
decided to eat out.

Yeah, well, uh. Goodnight.

Can't say it was a pleasure.

Uh, Thelma.

Lloyd's a bigamist.

That's right.

He was married to two
women at the same time.

And if you marry him,

that'll make him a "thrigamist!"

You liar!

I hate you!

Thelma, honey, he's
just tryin' to save you!

Lloyd is not what you said.

For one thing, I
know he loves me.

I know that.

And he is not
what you said he is.

Now you take that back!

I wish I could,
Thelma, but I can't.

Willona... Willona,
you're a woman, and...

And you know how it feels to...

To really believe
in a man, right?

Well, will you tell J.J.

that Lloyd couldn't do that.

Lloyd?

Um.

Baby, it uh... It's true.

I mean, it was true, that, uh...

But it's not that way anymore.

Now that I've known you,

I can be a different person.

Oh yeah?

A different person.

One that lies and says
he embezzled money.

No, I was confused.
I was mixed up.

I didn't know what
I was saying. Yeah.

Well it's not my... I
just can't believe you.

I don't know whether
to believe you or not!

Thelma, let me
suggest that we go...

Uh, may I suggest that, uh...

You move your
butt on outta here.

That's right.

While you still
got a butt to move.

Well, baby, you got
the whole truth now.

That should make
you feel a little better.

Yeah.

It should make
me feel better, huh?

Why do I feel so bad, huh?

Oh, baby. I've been there.

I know what you're feeling.

But you'll be all right.

Watch. You'll see.

Well, I... Guess
I'll be leaving.

J.J.?

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to say I hate you.

I don't know how I
could be such a fool!

It's all right, Thelma.

On rare occasions,

I've been known to make
a fool outta myself, too.

♪ Just lookin' Out
of the window ♪

♪ Watchin' the asphalt grow ♪

♪ Thinkin' how It all
looks hand-me-down ♪

♪ Good times ♪
♪ Hey, yeah ♪

♪ Good times ♪

♪ Keepin' your
head Above water ♪

♪ Makin' a wave When you can ♪

♪ Temporary layoffs ♪

♪ Good times ♪

♪ Easy credit Ripoffs ♪

♪ Good times ♪

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in front of a studio audience.

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