05x17 - I Had a Dream

[bunniefuu]

♪ Good times ♪

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♪ Good times ♪

♪ Any time You need a friend ♪

♪ Good times ♪

♪ Any time You're
out from under ♪

♪ Not gettin' hassled
Not gettin' hustled ♪

♪ Keepin' your
head Above water ♪

♪ Makin' a wave When you can ♪

♪ Temporary layoffs ♪

♪ Good times ♪

♪ Easy credit Ripoffs ♪

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♪ Scratchin' And survivin' ♪

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♪ Hangin' In a chow line ♪

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♪ Ain't we lucky We got 'em ♪

♪ Good times ♪

Michael, would you set
the table for me please?

I'm looking to see if anybody
needs some part-time help.

I do!

Now, will you set the table?

Gal, all you had to do was ask.

I did! Get out of here.

Don't anybody make a move!

I want to remember the
sight of my humble beginnings.

Great! 'Cause
you're just in time

to take out the humble garbage.

Thelma, forget the
humble garbage.

I've just scored the
winning touchdown

and I'm dancing in the end zone!

J.J., man, what are
you talking about?

Mr. Miguel, Thelma,

your illustrious brother,
the Ebony Prince,

has just gotten a promotion!

All right! All right!

That's right! That's right!

All right! Yeah!

This calls for a celebration.

Ooh, yeah! How y'all doin'?

Am I in time for
the celebration?

Just in time, Willona.

Thelma, go get our
good champagne-glasses.

And get the jelly out the
bottom of them, will ya?

Well, if we're
going to celebrate,

champagne is the way to go.

By the way, what
are we celebrating?

Well, you see what
happened, Willona,

is that the big boss
called us all in today,

told us there's going
to be a promotion to

Assistant Art Director.
That means a raise.

And I am the "raise-ee!"

Wait a minute, J.J.

You said, "us."

Who else did he tell?

Oh, Russell, Raymond, Tom,

a few of the other knuckleheads

around the office,
you know. Oh, J.J.!

You're just in
the running for it?

We thought you
already had the gig.

Willona, can you imagine Mr. G

giving that raise
to anybody else?

Mm-hm.

Thelma, could you bring
down them champagnes?

I got a toast to make, here.

Look at this, Mr. Miguel.

Imported champagne!

Imported?

J.J., it's from Cucamonga.

Look, Michael, you're
a little young for all this,

so you're gonna have
some Kool-Aid, okay?

Kool-Aid? All right,
here we go, here.

Pouring the champagne.

A-ha. Look out.

Now here's the toast: Look out!

That's enough! All right, then.

Look out, tongue.
Watch out, belly.

Here come the champagne,
mixed with a little jelly.

All right!

Uh-huh.

Now, here's to that pot of gold

at the end of the rainbow

that Mom and Dad always wanted.

I'll drink to that.

If this is the good life,

I don't like the taste of it.

Cucamonga!

Here you go, Veronica.

Thanks, Carmen. Uh-huh.

Hey, Veronica. Hi, J.J.

Mmm... Oh, hey, lover boy.

Hey there, Carmen.

What's shakin'?

What are you
doing here so early?

Well, I'm here to
clean out my desk.

You going somewhere?

That's right, mama.

I'm moving up!

Didn't you hear
about that promotion?

J.J., there are six
others in line for that job.

You mean, the also-rans?

Mama, to show you how sure I am

about gettin' that promotion,

what do you say me and
you go out on Saturday night,

and skip the light fandango.

Just me and you?

Why not? Ow!

Now you're coming
back to your senses.

Well,

if it isn't tall, bronze
and good lookin'.

Thank you very much, Raymond.

I meant Carmen.

You know, Raymond,
for a man in your position,

it's not wise to curry the
disfavor of higher-ups.

What higher-up?

Me!

Raymond, didn't you hear

about that promotion,
my good man?

Well, I'd better get
back to my switchboard.

I'll see you later, J.J.

Boy, this must be my lucky day!

First a raise, now a promotion,

then a date with a
classy chick like Carmen.

How much pleasure
can one man handle?

I wouldn't get my
hopes up over that job.

Why?

You think you gonna get it?

I have about as much
chance as you, brother,

and that's zero.

Hey, man.

Now, let's not go laying
that prejudice stuff on me.

You know this company
has never come on like that.

Agreed, brother,

or we wouldn't be working here.

But, whoever gets this
gig as Assistant Art Director

has to deal with
several accounts

that I'm not so sure about.

You mean, no blacks?

By Jove, I think he's got it.

You mean, if I was
president of a big company,

and I was dealing with Arab oil,

I wouldn't hire a dude
named Sam Ginsberg?

Now I know he's got it!

Listen, J.,

if you were captain
of a sinking ship,

and you had room on your
lifeboat for only one more,

who would you give the seat to:

A black man, or a white man?

According to you, that
would never happen.

Why you say that?

'Cause they'd never
make one of us captain!

'Morning, fellas.

'Morning, Mr. Galbraith.

Hey, there, Mr. G.

What can we do you out of?

Well, I got a little
problem, fellas.

I need a rush job on a paste up.

It's the ad campaign for
that new instant stuffing.

Love their slogan:

Take it and stuff it!

Don't worry, Mr. G.

I'll have it out for you

if it takes me all night long.

Oh, thank you, J.J.

You're a very
industrious young man.

Hiring you was one
of my better decisions.

Ha, ha, ha.

Uh, Mr. G.!

Could I ask you kind
of a personal question?

Any time, J.J.

Uh, how personal?

Well, there's a rumor
going around the office...

It's not true!

My secretary and
I are just friends.

No, it's not that rumor, Mr. G.

It's about the promotion.

You see, there
are certain people

around here, that think
you won't give that job

to a black person. Now, see,

I know you're not prejudiced,

but that's what
the scuttlebutt is.

Well, you're right, J.J.

I certainly am not prejudiced.

Ha, ha, ha.

However, I probably won't
give that job to a black.

Ha, ha, ha.

I'm sorry about this, J.J.

but I'm sure you'd rather
have me be straight with you.

You see, this company's
success depends on the good will

of all our accounts.

I just couldn't stay in business

if some of them didn't approve
of my Assistant Art Director.

Yeah, but Mr...
I'm really sorry.

I don't like that league,

but I have to play ball.

Well, if you the
one playin' ball,

how come I'm the
one strikin' out?

Ohhh... those chilidogs!

Ohhh...

What's the matter, you
have a stomach ache?

Thelma, it's not an
ache, it's a revolution.

The kraut and the Kool-Aid
are fighting the chilidogs

to see which one kicks
out the onion rings.

J.J., man, I don't know
why you eat that junk

this late at night, anyway.

Michael, I was working late.

And besides,
I'd get a lot sicker

if I was eating
Thelma's cooking.

Well, I hope your
chilidogs have puppies.

Well, I'm about ready
to hit the sack too, J.J.

You coming?

Michael, hold it. Yeah?

If you were the captain
of a sinking ship,

and you only had one
seat left on your lifeboat,

who would you give it to:

a black man, or a white man?

Well, J.J., my answer is...

Well, it depends.

Depends on what?

Depends on who it is.

I mean, is the black
Barbara Jordan, or Idi Amin?

Is the white Dr. Salk,
or Lester Maddox?

Oh, Michael, forget
it. Hold on, J.J.

How come all of a sudden
the interest in sinking ships?

You plan on
taking a cruise, bro?

Yeah, to the Dead Sea.

Michael, I'm not
getting that promotion.

Why not?

Well, the boss claims he
has to give it to a white guy.

Calls it "playing ball."

Hm. I call that foul ball.

Well, see you later, man.

Michael? Yeah?

You ever wonder what
it's like to be white?

Be white?

Well, J.J.,

I guess in my
opinion being white

is never having to say,

"I'm sorry, I didn't
get that promotion."

Hey, but, bro, you've
got to face the facts.

You're black, so be
proud of it and deal with it.

And remember what
Dad used to say,

"You gotta play the game
with the uniform you're issued"?

Yeah.

I remember him saying that.

He also used to say,

"Take it easy on
those chili dogs!"

See you later, big bro.

Okay, Michael.

Oh boy... chilidog rebellion.

Oh... I wonder who
I'd give that seat to.

Probably the ship's doctor.

I don't know.

I wouldn't want to be involved
in that captain business,

going down with the
ship, and all that mess.

Not me.

Attention all hands...
the boat's sinking.

Brothers and sisters first!

I wonder what it's
like to be white...

J.J., get up now!

J.J., I said get up!

J.J., I said to get up, now.

I said to get up!

Get up!

Thelma, J.J. didn't
sleep too good last night.

He's worried about
that new promotion,

'cause he thinks a
white dude's gonna get it.

Oh. Well, he sure is qualified.

I hope he gets it.

Me, too.

I'll keep my fingers crossed.

If you keep your
fingers crossed,

you won't be able to
eat Thelma's oatmeal!

Right!

Ha, ha! You're bad!

J.J., if you don't get up now

you're gonna miss my breakfast!

Now he'll never get up!

Right!

You better be quiet.

J.J., for once and for all,

I said to get up
before you miss work.

Get up!

Ah!

Good morning, everybody.

J.J., that's enough
of that nonsense.

Enough of that nonsense!

Now take out those
blue contact lenses,

and wipe that clown
makeup off your face.

Lord have mercy, the
boy done turned white!

Hey! What happened
to the Ebony Prince?

The Ebony Prince is
now the Ivory Prince.

The Ebony Prince is
now the Ivory Prince.

Hooh, child!

There's got to be
an answer. Come on.

Yeah, let's talk about this.

There's got to be an answer.

Hey. Good morning, y'all.

I don't know what
we gonna say...

I said good morning, y'all.

Good morning!

Ah, excuse me.

Uh, that won't do any good.
They can't see or hear you.

Hey!

Who are you?

Don't you recognize me?

I'm you!

You can't be me! I'm me!

Besides, uh... you're white!

James Evans, Jr.;

this is your dream.

Remember the chilidog?

Remember you wondered

what it would be
like to be white?

Oh yeah.

So... You're me white, huh?

J.J., what happened to you?

Maybe he's been eating
too much white bread.

J.J., when did this happen?

And how?

Probably right
after the ship sank.

J.J., if this is some
kind of put on,

man, it's not funny!

You know, I think we better

take him to a doctor.

Thelma, this is one
thing penicillin won't cure.

Man, what am I
gonna tell my friends?

I know what to tell my friends.

I don't care if
J.J. does look like

a vanilla ice cream cone.

I still love him. Aw.

Well, come on, let's
sit down here, J.J.,

and figure this thing out.

I don't know what we gonna do.

Uh, J.J., why aren't you eating?

I made your favorite
dish: Oatmeal.

Sorry, but your oatmeal
doesn't appeal to me.

Well, then what does?

I have a strange craving for
eggs Benedict and prune juice.

That proves it!

He's white, all right!

Oh, no. A white brother!

Can you imagine the
hassles we're gonna have?

Willona, this is gonna be tough!

Well, tough or not,
we can deal with it.

Now, whatever shade J.J. is,

he's still a member
of this family.

Yeah, he may be a part
of the family, all right.

But how are we gonna
explain this to Alex Haley?

Well, just tell him
he got root rot!

Who is it?

It's me, Bookman.

Oh, it's that oaf
of a custodian.

Oaf?!

When did I start
talking like that?

Whose dream is
this, anyway? Mine!

Then keep your big mouth shut,

and watch how it turns out!

Oh, excuse me, I'd like
to speak to a member

of the Evans family, please.

Booga? What do you want?

That's Bookman, Ms. Woods.

Hey, don't call me
Booga in front of company.

What company? The
white dude over there.

Hey, Bookman, that's J.J.

It can't be, 'cause
J.J.'s skinny, black,

and always has a
silly look on his face.

Well, check it out, Booga.

Good Lord!

Two out of three.

You can't fool Buffalo Butt!

It's me, Bookman.

J.J.

Yeah, but... but you're white.

Well, what can I say?

What can one say?

Hey, man, you can't
even get that right!

Well, one can say, "There
goes the neighborhood."

And as the Duke would say,

Well, you'd better be
out by sundown, kid,

because this ghetto ain't
big enough for the both of us.

Yuh-huh-huh!

Well, there's one good thing

that's gonna
come out of all this.

What's that? Now
that J.J. is white,

he will get that
promotion for sure.

That's right, Willona!
This is, uh, fabulous!

Fabulous?

Fabulous? Whatever
happened to Dyn-o-mite?!

What's that?

What's that?!

Uh, J.J., it is getting late,

and I think you're
gonna miss your bus.

Bus?

You must be "jivving."

Uh, that's "jiving,"

with one "v."

Uh, that's "jiving,"
with one "v."

I'm going to take a cab.

Oh, you the last of
the big spenders, huh?

Don't you know that
taxis are very expensive?

It costs money to
be white, Willona.

Well, I wouldn't
know about that.

Well, I'm on my way.

J.J., good luck
on the promotion!

Thanks, Willona,
but I shall cope.

I'm the Evans family's
great white hope!

Ooh-wee!

Did you hear him?

"I'm the Evan's family's
great white hope"?

Man's in my dream,

going down to my office,
to get my promotion.

Hey!

Wait for me!

Good morning, Carmen.

Well, if it ain't Snow White.

Tell me, Snow,

what did you do with
Happy, Sleepy, and Dopey?

Carmen, I'm getting
that promotion today.

Why don't you come to
the house for dinner tonight?

Ha, ha. "Guess Who's
Coming to Dinner"?

No, thanks. I saw that movie.

I don't comprehend, Carmen.

Yesterday you were
willing to go out with me.

Well, that was
then and this is now.

Besides, you no longer
have what it takes.

What it takes is soul.

What's that?

If you have to ask,
baby, you ain't got it!

That's telling him, Carmen.

That's telling me.

Good morning, darlin'.

J.J.?

Pfffft!

Hooh, hooh!

Care for a croissant?

What ever happened
to good-old donuts?

Donuts?

Surely you jest.

Wait 'til I tell
Veronica about this.

It's not going to work, J.J.

What's not going to work?

Man, I expected
you to do something...

Something sneaky
to get this job.

But this is ridiculous!

You think I turned
white on purpose?

I wouldn't put it past you.

I think he's just mad

'cause he's not
having this dream.

Raymond, look, some
men are born white,

some achieve whiteness,

and some have
whiteness thrust upon them.

Well, since it's been
thrust upon you,

maybe you can tell me something.

I'll try.

I've always been
a little curious.

What's it like to
be white, brother?

Well, you save a lot
of time shaking hands.

Good morning, Raymond.

Good morning, Mr. Galbraith.

Good morning, J.J.

Good morning, B.G. I
finished that paste up, sir.

Why don't we pour it down
the drain and see if it gurgles?

All right, we'll do
just that. Thank you.

Wait a minute.

Isn't there something
different about you?

Oh, I've got it.
That's a new jacket.

Uh, yes, sir.

Very handsome.

I see you've redecorated
your face to go with it.

You like the jacket, Raymond?

Yeah, those are
some bad threads.

"Bad threads."

I love those expressions
you people use.

"You people"?!

You have such
picturesque speech.

Don't you agree, B.G.? Yes.

Very colorful.

Colorful!

Uh, Mr. Galbraith just
told a joke, Raymond.

Why aren't you
laughing, old boy?

Don't call me "boy."

Sorry. I keep forgetting

how sensitive you people are.

"Sensitive"?

Hey, Raymond's my buddy.

So touchy.

Coffee, B.G.? All right.

"Touchy"? Look here, man,

I want outta this dream.

I've had it with this
dream up to here.

Will you keep quiet?

We're about to
get that promotion.

Hey, man, forget the promotion.

The eggs Benedict,
the new clothes, the cab,

it's costing me a fortune, man.

The classy black chick
I wanted to go out with

now don't wanna go
out with me anymore.

Raymond, my buddy, is
not my buddy anymore.

I want to go back
to being me, J.J.,

black J.J. Evans.

Uh, your coffee, sir.

Oh, thank you.

I just want you to know, J.J.,

that we've been very
pleased with your work here.

Oh, thank you, sir.

And since I've just made
up my mind who's going to be

our new Assistant Art
Director, I want you to know.

Tell him we don't want the
job. I hope I get the job, sir.

Ain't you got ears?

There's no question that
you have the ability for the job,

but Raymond
has the ability, too.

True, but Raymond
doesn't have that little...

something extra that I have.

But Raymond doesn't need it.

He's getting the promotion.

Raymond?!

I've decided not to
knuckle under anymore.

From now on, there's going to be

real equal opportunity
around here,

so I'm giving
that job to a black.

And I'm also sending
Sam Ginsberg

to be our man in Saudi Arabia.

But, Mr. Galbraith,

if you wanted a black,
why didn't you say so?

I'm black!

Be a good sport, J.J.

You don't know what
I've gone through!

If you think sex change
is tough, try color!

Now I've been
equal "opportunitied"

out of a promotion.

Mr. Galbraith,
I'll prove it to you.

Put out your hands.

Only brothers know
how to soul slap, man!

Hey, listen to this:

Foxy Mama!

Say what?

Jive turkey!

None of that makes
a man black, J.J.

Raymond, tell him!

I'm a brother!

You're not a brother anymore.

Now, if you don't believe that

just go look in the mirror.

Raymond, would you
kindly step into my office,

so we can discuss
your new promotion?

Raymond, tell him I'm black.

The mirror lies!

I'm black, Raymond!

Come on, man.

I'm black!

Take me back.

I'm black!

Take me back!

I'm black!

Take me back!

I'm black... I'm
black... I'm black!

Hey, J.J.

Hey, man, wake up.

Everybody knows you black, man.

Hey, what's all this
noise around here?

Where am I?

On the sofa, where
you slept all night.

J.J., you must have
been dreaming.

Let me see.

Ah!

It's me!

I'm black!

I'm beautiful!

I'm back!

I'm black!

I'm beautiful!

Michael, guess what!

Yeah, yeah, man, I already know.

You're black and you're back!

That's right! Thelma!

I'm glad to see me black!

I had such a nightmare!

Well, the nightmare's
not over. It's after 9:00.

After 9:00? I've
gotta call the office.

Thelma, you're not thinking
of making eggs Benedict

for breakfast are you?

Uh-uh. I'm thinking about
warming up yesterday's oatmeal.

Okay, I'll eat it cold.

Hello, Carmen?

Yeah, J.J. here.

Uh-huh, lover boy!

Yeah, look here,

tell them not to give
out that promotion yet.

No, 'cause see, the
ebony J.J. is on his way.

Huh?!

They did?

Who got it?

Okay.

See ya later. Bye.

You didn't get the
promotion, did ya, J.J.?

Aw, J.J., I'm sorry.

That's all right.

I just remember what Dad said,

"Play with the uniform
that you were issued."

Who got the job,
a black or a white?

Another minority.

What other minority?

Veronica.

That's great!

I didn't know a woman
was up for the job, too!

Well, I would hate going
through that dream in a dress.

♪ Just lookin' Out
of the window ♪

♪ Watchin' the asphalt grow ♪

♪ Thinkin' how It all
looks hand-me-down ♪

♪ Good times ♪
♪ Hey, yeah ♪

♪ Good times ♪

♪ Keepin' your
head Above water ♪

♪ Makin' a wave When you can ♪

♪ Temporary layoffs ♪

♪ Good times ♪

♪ Easy credit Ripoffs ♪

♪ Good times ♪

Good Times was videotaped
in front of a studio audience.

♪ Good times ♪