05x18 - The Boarder

[bunniefuu]

♪ Good times ♪

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♪ Any time You need a friend ♪

♪ Good times ♪

♪ Any time You're
out from under ♪

♪ Not gettin' hassled
Not gettin' hustled ♪

♪ Keepin' your
head Above water ♪

♪ Makin' a wave When you can ♪

♪ Temporary layoffs ♪

♪ Good times ♪

♪ Easy credit Ripoffs ♪

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♪ Scratchin' And survivin' ♪

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♪ Ain't we lucky We got 'em ♪

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Hey, Thelma, what's for dinner?

Onions with chicken backs.

Mm. Sounds like another
one of your gourmet feasts.

Michael, it's gonna have
to be that way from now on

because we're gonna
have to cut down

on our household expenses.

What could be cheaper than
onions with chicken backs?

Onions without chicken backs.

Hi, y'all.

Hi, Willona. Hey, Willona.

We finished the pillows for you.

Hey, what's the matter here?

Somebody came here
and take away your gusto?

Huh?

Willona, J.J. called
with some bad news.

Oh, no!

He didn't get married, did he?

Oh, honey.

No, Penny.

He just lost half his job.

Lost half his job?

But how can you lose half a job?

Simple.

When your boss tells you to
stay home two days a week.

It's only temporary.

His ad agency lost some
money on one of their accounts,

so they had to cut back.

Well, that's a shame.

But three days a week
is better than nothing.

At least he's still
the breadwinner,

even though

he's only bringing
home half a loaf.

Yeah, Willona, but
I feel really awful.

I went and bought a
new dress yesterday.

Honey, you didn't know.

I know, but I can't
even return it,

because they're
doing alterations on it.

Well, don't worry, child.

The family budget
will not sink or swim

because of one dress.

Yeah, Willona,

but you should see
me in that dress.

I look fantastic. You
wouldn't recognize me.

Does it come with a mask?

That's not nice, Gramps.

Funny, but not nice.

Poor J.J.

We'll have to cheer him
up when he gets home.

Well, Penny,

I think the only thing
that can cheer J.J. up

is Lola Falana
dancing on his navel.

I just hope she takes
off her tap shoes.

Well, toot the
horn. Ring the bell.

Brother J. is home,
and all is well.

Well, now, you
don't look like a guy

that got one foot in the door
of the unemployment office

to me, honey.

I'll lend you some money
from my piggy bank, J.J.

That's very nice
of you, Penny, but...

And I'll only charge
you 8.5 percent interest.

Compounded annually.

I love this kid.

Well, family,

I've come up with a
scheme to get the green.

Ooh, good. I can't
wait to hear this.

Come on, J.J. What?

Well, friends,
family, and Thelma...

We are taking in
a boarder. Ha-ha!

I could have waited.

J.J. has finally flipped out.

Yeah. One flew into
the cuckoo's nest!

Mm.

Well, look here.

I stopped by a
supermarket, you know,

put an ad in the
little thing up there,

the bulletin board.

Told 'em that we
had a room to rent.

It's going to be beautiful.

I told them all the
details, et cetera, et cetera.

What room?

What "et cetera, et cetera"?

You know it's against the
rules to sublet in the project.

If Bookman hears about it,

you'll be half out of a job
and whole out of an apartment.

J.J., what room?

Hey, look here.

Bookman won't even
recognize the apartment.

You know, I
disguised it a smidgen.

That must be the "et cetera."

J.J., what room?

Thelma, will you stop
saying "what room"?

Not until I find out what room

this boarder is
supposed to stay in...

if there's going
to be a boarder.

Look here, Thelma.

I figure, without
question, your room...

Wrong!

Naturally, that's wrong.

Thus, I came up with Plan B.

That's where me and
Michael sleep in your room,

the outsider takes the anteroom,

and you, Thelma, will
lounge in luxurious splendor

on our spanking-new,
comfy, cozy, contour couch!

J.J., you can take your
comfy, cozy, contour couch

and cram it!

Honey, please.

J.J., what about Plan C? Huh?

I don't recall a Plan C.

Do you recall having
your own room?

J.J., Plan C means the
boarder would take your room

and you and Michael
will sleep on the couch.

Uh-huh, that was Plan C. Plan C.

Well, I was just joking.

I just wanted to test y'all
to see if y'all was alert.

Well, the whole
thing is ridiculous

and it's just out
of the question.

Yeah, besides, who wants
to have a strange person

living in our house, anyway?

Michael, we already
have a strange person

living in our house.

J.J., I don't like it.

I don't like it at all.

Hey, Willona, I
don't like it either.

But we gotta make up
for the green some way.

Besides, you may meet
a wonderful new friend.

And Bookman may come
with a wonderful new family

to move into this apartment
after he kicks you out.

Hey, Willona, if we don't do
it, and we don't pay the rent,

we get kicked out.

If we do do it,
and we get caught,

we still get kicked out.

I say, folks, let's
take a sh*t at it.

Well, J.J., all right.

I guess I get the message.

I guess we have to do
it, but I know one thing.

This boarder better
eat what we eat,

because I am not cooking
him anything special.

Thelma, he's just going to
have to get food poisoning

like the rest of us.

A-ha! That's our new
boarder right now.

Puff up the couches.

Come on, Penny,
straighten yourself up here.

Well, the rental king
will handle everything.

Come on, Penny, I
can't bear to watch this.

Come on.

Well, well, well!

You have a room for rent?

For you, lovely lady,
we have a palace.

I can't bear to watch it either.

Come on, babe.

Trouble.

Now, when would you
like to move in, lovely lady?

Now, hold on, mister.

Now, let me check
your place out.

Oh, go right ahead.

If there's anything
you don't like,

we'll gladly redecorate.

I copied down your ad.

Where's the crystal chandelier?

Crystal chandelier... That
must be the "et cetera."

Uh, crystal chandelier?

Uh, we sent the crystals
out to be re-crystallized.

No chandelier.

You ad said "air conditioning."

Um, I don't see a cooling unit.

Oh, yeah, see,

we don't have your normal
bodacious big machinery

around here.

But what we do have,
as you can see right here,

is our own private air shaft.

That's right.

See, we have 17 floors
of natural ventilation,

'cause we feel around here

nature's way is the best way.

No air conditioning.

And I don't suppose you
have the microwave oven,

the enclosed terrace,
or the sauna, either.

Uh, just can't depend
on them delivery men.

Good day, mister.

Oh, wait a minute, lovely lady.

If the room rent's too
high, we could lower it.

J.J., stop it. J.J.!

Hold on.

If it's finances that are
giving you a problem,

I'll loan you the
money, personally.

Look, let me out of here. I've
had enough of your foolishness.

Freak!

I guess the rental king
got dethroned, huh?

Yeah, and you were
right about one thing, J.J.

Bookman will not
recognize this place

from that notice
you put up there.

Crystal chandeliers indeed.

Good thing she didn't ask
about the swimming pool.

I'll get this. Oh,
no, you won't.

And this time, I'll get it, and
you try to control yourself.

Hello.

Hi. We're the Dunbars.

We came to see
about the room for rent.

It's for our dad.

Oh, yeah. Come on in. Okay.

Oh, it looks very
nice, John. Yeah.

There's no chandelier.

Yeah, some dumb
kid printed it in the ad.

Well, he couldn't
have been too dumb.

He spelled it right.

Oh, thank you very much. Oh...

Could I see the room?

Oh, sure. Right through here.

Right this way, my lovely lady.

Dad has to move from
his present apartment,

and my wife and I...

Well, our place
is kind of small.

He'd have to sleep on the couch.

You know how it is.

Yeah, I know how it is.

Dad's never had a
sick day in his life.

And he's very easy
to get along with.

Terrific sense of humor.

I think Dad'll like
it very much, John.

Oh, great. We'll take it.

Good. That's a month's
room and board in advance.

All right, then.

Uh, J.J., do they
have any references?

Yes, they do, Thelma.

Grant, Jackson and Hamilton.

It's all settled, then.

When would your
father like to move in?

The first of the month?

Hey, how about right now?

He's right outside
in the hallway.

Uh, this is a little
quick, you know.

We didn't have time to
even clean up the room

or anything.

That's right.

I didn't even get a chance
to take a dip in the pool.

Dad, these are the people
you'll be staying with.

This is my father,
John Dunbar, Sr.

Well, welcome to
the Evans Hilton!

Is it okay?

We wouldn't let you
stay here otherwise.

Well, I sure hope you
know what you're doing.

I'm Thelma Evans.

My brother, J.J., and
my brother, Michael.

Well, Dad, we got to be going,

but we're leaving
you in good hands.

That's right.

You're in good hands
with the Evanses.

Yeah, you're amongst
friends around here.

Sure.

That's what they
said to Julius Caesar,

and look what his
friends did for him.

Now, look, that kind of
stuff may happen in Detroit,

but this here's the Windy City,
Chi-Town, Chicago, you know?

We looks out for each
other around here.

Thank you.

We'll be back to visit
Dad in a day or two.

Okay. Bye-bye, now.

See you later, Dad. Bye-bye.

Okay.

Uh, Thelma, get the bags.

The D.A. will be
relieved, sergeant.

Looks like the perfect
safe house to me.

No place is perfect
in a case like this.

Remember that witness we hid

with that bus driver
and his family?

Yeah.

Still can't figure out

how that Mob tracked him down.

Yeah, well,

I hope old man
Dunbar's all in one piece

when we come back
to get him for the trial.

And that goes for
his new family too.

Hi, y'all.

Who's that? Oh! Oh!

That's our neighbor,
Willona Woods.

Who's that, the new boarder?

Yeah.

What's he doing,
looking for cockroaches?

Maybe he's trying
to acclimate himself

to his new, strange
surroundings.

Mr. Dunbar,

what are you doing
with that chair?

Are you going to go tame a lion?

Look, there's no lock
on that door over there,

so I figured

if I prop this up
under the doorknob,

couldn't nobody get in.

Hey, Mr. Dunbar, you
don't have to do that.

You're amongst
friends around here.

Well, you can
never be too careful.

You smoke, sonny?

Oh, no, Mr. Dunbar,
but thanks for asking.

Oh, I wasn't going
to give you one.

I just didn't want you
tampering with my cigar.

Anybody home?

Oh, it's Booger!

Oh, my God. Save me!

I'm way ahead of
you, Mr. Dunbar.

Mr. Dunbar, make
sure you stay back here.

Don't make a sound,

'cause we don't want anyone
to know that you're back here.

You can say that again.

We don't want anyone to
know that you're back here. Go.

Hey, Bookman.
Whatcha doing here?

We didn't call for
the Goodyear blimp.

I came up to tell you guys that
we're cutting the hot water off.

They're fixing
the boiler tonight.

Again?

That boiler's been
fixed more times

than the Friday Night Wrestling.

Hey, who's smoking
cigars around here?

Oh, uh... Uh, I am.

I always like a good cigar
after a hard day's work.

Huh. Then this must be
your first cigar in months.

Well, come on, clown.

What you gonna do,
wave it around or smoke it?

Uh, just so happens
I don't have a match.

Well, the Bookman do.

Be careful, man,

or I'm gonna have to
get a fire extinguisher

and put your face out.

That's so funny.

Put your face out...

Fire extinguisher...
That is so funny.

I got something
funny for you too.

What's that?

Put your face out the door.

Boy, this cigar must
be made from dead rats.

All clear, Mr. Dunbar.
You can come out.

That jive janitor's gone.

That was the janitor?

Are you sure?

Well, we're not proud
of it, but we're sure.

Mr. Dunbar...

Why are you so jumpy?

Jumpy? I'm not jumpy.

What did you do with my cigar?

Now, you smashed up a
perfectly good 15-cent cigar.

Uh, Mr. Dunbar, you've
had an exciting day.

Why don't you take a little walk

around the block.

I'm not going out of the house.

Well, maybe not now, but later,

when you want to go
out and stretch yourself...

I'm never going
out of the house.

Thelma. Hey, y'all.

This dude say

he ain't never going
out of the house.

Well, you know, Mr. Dunbar,
people do need fresh air.

You could just
sit by the window.

Uh-uh. I don't sit
by no windows.

People can see you

when you're sitting
near the window.

Mr. Dunbar, we're 17 flights up.

But they could be very tall.

Thelma, I think we
done got ourselves

a fruitcake.

Yeah, I got to run, you know.

I gotta take my daughter
to her ice skating lesson.

I'll see you later, Mr. Dunbar.

I sure hope so.

Trouble.

Well, I'll go get
some rest, you know.

Wait up for me, Thelma.

I want you to help me
out on my homework.

Hey, wait a minute.

What you all doing
leaving me alone here

with this cuckoo clock?

He's your boarder.

Bye-bye.

Well...

Hey, Mr. Dunbar,

why don't you say
we sit down here

and have a little talk?

I never sit with
my back to the door

or my head near the window.

Mr. Dunbar, you in
some kind of trouble

or something?

Well, now, I don't
know if I can trust you.

Oh, Mr. Dunbar. You
can trust me. Honest.

Just look at this face.

You right.

With a face like that,
you got to be honest.

But you got to
promise me something.

You got it.

Promise me you
won't throw me out

when I tell you.

Okay, you got my word.

Now, you been reading

about that big real
estate swindle?

You know, where all those
people lost their life savings?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Uh, those people got ripped
off. That dude, uh, Frazee.

Yeah, that was a terrible scene.

Yeah, well, I was
Frazee's bookkeeper.

You were?

Then you the one

that could put
Frazee in the pokey.

That's right.

That's why the police are
hiding me here in your house

until the trial comes up.

Well, you'll certainly
be safe here.

Sure.

Until Frazee finds
out where I am.

Then it's lights out.

Let's hope for your
sake he doesn't find you.

For your sake too,

because if it's
lights out for me,

it's lights out for us all.

So now what do we do?

I mean, we can't
even call the police.

They're the ones
who put him here.

Hey, Michael,
don't talk so loud.

Dunbar hears you,

he'll come running out
here like a scared chicken.

Well, J.J., you
know Dunbar is right.

You can't hit a moving target.

Michael, don't
say the word "hit."

J.J., why don't you
give him his money back

and send him on his way?

Oh, Thelma, I can't do that.

I gave the man my word
I wouldn't kick him out.

Who's that?

Somebody's knocking at the door.

At this hour? I mean...

I guess hit men don't just work

from 9 to 5.

Go ahead, Thelma.
See what's happening.

Uh, who is it?

It's me, Bookman.

Ah, Bookman! That's the
one who can kick him out.

I get Bookman to kick him
out, I won't be breaking my word.

Wait a minute, J.J.

Then Bookman will
put us out in the cold.

Michael, better be
chilled than k*lled.

Hey, man, about the hot water.

The cold gonna be
turned off tonight too.

Come on in here, Bookman. Yeah.

So glad to see you.
That's terrific. Hey.

I must be in the
wrong apartment.

Oh, no, you're not. No, no.

You know that rule y'all have
about taking in borders? Mm.

Well, we took in a boarder.

You took in a boarder?

Yes. Uh-huh. Now,
just throw him out.

What kind of heartless
dude do you take me for?

I mean, the word
is all over the street

that your bony brother
got cut back at the office.

I know you need the bread.

You mean you're not
gonna kick him out?

No. Not until I find out
you working full time again.

And everybody says

Bookman likes to kick
a man when he's down.

I do.

But J.J.'s down so
much that it's boring.

That's the most unreliable
janitor in the world.

When you need him
to be a rat, he never is.

Oh, hi, Mr. Dunbar.

Did you get a nice little nap?

Nap? You mean nightmare.

I dreamed Frazee found me.

And he had a Kn*fe,
a rope and a g*n.

He gonna k*ll you
multiple choice, huh?

That's Frazee!

I'd know his knock anywhere!

Oh...

Wait a minute. Hold on.

What's everybody
so scared about?

We're in the confines
of our own home.

You know what I mean?

Don't have to be worried about
no hoodlum coming in here.

I'll handle this.

The man of steel!

Yeah. What do you want?

Package for Evans.

Oh, yeah?

There you go. Very
simple. See that?

Package for Evans. Huh.

Package for Evans?
This could be a b*mb!

I've seen the b*mb
squad do this many times.

I'll neutralize...
I'll get it together.

It'll be all right.
It'll be all right.

It'll be all right.

I've neutralized the b*mb.

Oh, J.J., my brand-new dress!

I'll neutralize you!

Hey, what is this?
Have we all gone mad?

I mean, b*mb threats,
Mobs, revenge...

We act as though a hit
man is going to be here

any minute.

You get the door, J.J.

Yeah, you get the door.

You've lived the longest. Go on.

Okay, now, just maintain cool.

Y'all getting
upset over nothing.

This is just a Fig Newton
of your imagination.

I'll tell this guy
where it's at.

I'm looking for Mr. Dunbar.

Uh, that movie's
playing down the street.

I said "Dunbar," not "Goodbar."

Frazee!

Oh, hello, Dunbar.

It wasn't easy, but I found you.

Don't sh**t.

We just washed the floor!

I have something
for you, Dunbar.

Twenty-five thousand dollars.

Huh?

I want you to go to Mexico

and forget about
testifying against me.

Twenty-five thousand?
Shut up, toothpick!

This is between Dunbar and me.

What do you say, Dunbar?

How 'bout it, pal?

You know, I don't like the idea

of you offering my
man Dunbar here

a bribe.

This is a man of honesty,
integrity, bravery and courage.

Matter of fact,

I think I can safely
state from my position

that rather than take
your dirty money,

Dunbar here would
rather have you sh**t him.

Hey. I'll speak for myself.

Go ahead. Go ahead, Dunbar.

Tell him about all those people
you gonna get their money back.

Tell him about all those people

you gonna give
their day in court to.

Tell him about all
those poor people,

and you're gonna
get their money back.

Go ahead, Dunbar, tell him.

You right, J.J. I
shouldn't take that money.

That's right.

But I am.

Look, I'm sorry,

but this is more money
than I ever seen in my life.

Come on, Dunbar.

Get your things
and get out of here.

I'm putting you on
the plane to Mexico.

Hope you get down to Mexico

just in time for the
Kaopectate festival.

J.J., I love you so much
for what you did last night,

I'm giving you two
helpings of pancakes.

Thelma, if you loved me at
all, you wouldn't give me any.

Oh...

You know, I'm just sorry
that Mr. Dunbar got away.

Thelma, he didn't get away.

Matter of fact,
when he was leaving,

I slipped two of your
cookies into his pocket.

So that means that
when he got to the airport,

they must have arrested him

for concealing a deadly w*apon.

Oh, J.J.

Cello.

Oh, hello there, Mr. Galbraith.

Yeah, nice to hear
from you, boss.

Huh? What?

You're giving my five
days a week back?

You know there, Mr. Galbraith,

I was thinking about
quitting that job.

Hey! Give me that phone, fool!

Hello, Mr. Galbraith?

He'll be back.

And thank you very much.

Okay, bye-bye.

Hey, Thelma, what'd
you do that for?

We don't need that job.

All we got to do

is reel in a customer
for next month.

And then after that,

we can rent some
more apartments.

Then after that,

we can rent some
more, and some more.

And it gets bigger and bigger,

until one day, we'll
own our own ghetto!

Oh, J.J.

Once is enough.

♪ Just lookin' Out
of the window ♪

♪ Watchin' the asphalt grow ♪

♪ Thinkin' how It all
looks hand-me-down ♪

♪ Good times ♪
♪ Hey, yeah ♪

♪ Good times ♪

♪ Keepin' your
head Above water ♪

♪ Makin' a wave When you can ♪

♪ Temporary layoffs ♪

♪ Good times ♪

♪ Easy credit Ripoffs ♪

♪ Good times ♪

Good Times was videotaped
in front of a studio audience.

♪ Good times ♪