05x19 - J.J.'s Condition

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Good Times". Aired: February 8, 1974, to August 1, 1979.*
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A spin-off of Maude, which itself is a spin-off of All in the Family, making Good Times the first television spin-off from another spin-off; revolving around a poor family making the best of things in the Chicago housing projects.
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05x19 - J.J.'s Condition

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♪ Good times ♪

♪ Any time You meet a payment ♪

♪ Good times ♪

♪ Any time You need a friend ♪

♪ Good times ♪

♪ Any time You're
out from under ♪

♪ Not gettin' hassled
Not gettin' hustled ♪

♪ Keepin' your
head Above water ♪

♪ Makin' a wave When you can ♪

♪ Temporary layoffs ♪

♪ Good times ♪

♪ Easy credit Ripoffs ♪

♪ Good times ♪

♪ Scratchin' And survivin' ♪

♪ Good times ♪

♪ Hangin' In a chow line ♪

♪ Good times ♪

♪ Ain't we lucky We got 'em ♪

♪ Good times ♪

Hey, Thelma, is
the spaghetti ready?

Let me see.

That's... That's...

That's just how
I like it, Thelma.

Light and fluffy.

Well, I'm sorry
about that, Willona,

but I'm just so upset

about J.J. and that Barbara.

You know, I never
thought I'd see the day

when J.J. would put down

all his chicks
for just one girl.

Mama, what's this Barbara
got that I haven't got?

Nothing, honey.

Except that she's got it now.

I just think Barbara's
just not right for J.J.

Honey, no point
saying nothing to J.J.

He's so much in love,

he can't even see what
she really is, you know?

Oh, a married woman.

When you're married, you're
not supposed to date other people.

Honey, that's just what I was
trying to tell my ex-husband.

Sit down and have your bread.

Penny, Barbara's
not exactly married.

She's separated.

Well, the trouble is, she
ain't separated far enough.

See, that's what
worries me, Willona.

You know, I think she's
stringing J.J. along,

and he's gonna get hurt.

He's hurting already.

Look at the stomach
pains he's having.

♪ I'm in the mood for love ♪

♪ Simply because ♪

♪ She's near me ♪

Full moon.

Well, hello there,
beautiful family...

Hi, baby.

And Thelma.

Well, I won't be
eating dinner today.

Got a date with Barbara.

Michael, the Tums.

J.J., you finished up
the Tums last night.

Oh, that's what those were.

I thought I was
eating white M&Ms.

Penny, let's finish
playing checkers.

Hey, J.J., you ever think

about the relationship
with you and Barbara

perhaps has something to do

with the pains in your stomach?

Absolutely negatory.

This upset's clearly
connected to Thelma's cooking.

Oh, come on, now.

I must admit, though, Thelma,

your cuisine has been improving.

How would you know?
You're never here to eat it.

That's why it's been improving.

See, I've been dreaming
of somebody like Barbara

all my life.

Now the finger of fate
has finally fingered me.

And that finger of fate

is poking you right
in the stomach.

Ah!

No jivin'. Now, how
else do you explain

the pain that comes every time

a certain person's
name is mentioned,

like Barbara.

See that?

Willona, I love Barbara,

and to prove it to
you, check this out.

What?

Oh, Mr. Miguel.

Yeah, J.J.?

My little black book.

Your little black book?

That's right.

The official Funk and
Wagnall of feminine foxitude.

Oh, look.

Boom-Boom's name
has numbers after it.

Thirty-eight, 24, 35.

That's right, honey.

You know what that
is? That's her zip code.

Oh.

So my zip code is 19-19-19.

I've had enough of this madness.

Barbara is waiting dinner

for her numero uno,

and you know who is uno.

I'm going to go
slip into something

a little more... slinkier.

What's the matter?

You better stay home
and get some rest.

You stay home.
You've got some pains.

I don't have any pain.

It's just from the
pressure of work.

And then when I come home,

I get pressure
from my loved ones.

What pressure? We're
worried about you.

We don't want you to
get hurt and ruin your life

running around with
a married woman

who's just got you dangling,

you dingle-brain!

Thelma, stop hassling me.

Obviously, you didn't hear me.

I love Barbara.

To look in her eyes,
to be in her arms.

You don't have any idea

what an evening with
Barbara does for me.

Don't mean nothing, honey.

He's in pain. He is
in... I know he's in...

♪ I'm so fine Fine, fine ♪

♪ I'm so fine, whoo! ♪

Hey, Barbara!

Can I use your shampoo?

Hey, aren't you
finished showering yet?

I told you I was
expecting someone.

Oh, I'd get through
faster if you came in

and scrubbed my
back for me, mama.

You always do this to me.

He's here now!

Relax.

Look, I promise
not to towel myself.

I'll just drip-dry.

J.J.!

You are early.

That's because

I couldn't stand
being away from you

a minute longer.

Thinking all day about
me and you, alone.

Uh, J.J., there's something
I think I'd better tell you...

Yeah, like, "J.J., I miss you.

J.J., I wuv you."

That too.

Well, then, come
over here and tell me.

Come on, baby, let's go.

Well, what's your hurry?

We've got to sit
down here and, uh...

talk about our future.

Uh, the future?

J.J., let's not get
into that again.

The future can wait.

Maybe the future
can wait for you,

but not for me.

Now, uh, when are
you and your husband

getting de-nuptialized?

J.J., try to understand.

I love you,

but there's certain
leftover feelings I have

for Ernie too.

Look, mama, we got
things to talk about,

and we got to talk
about them right now.

J.J., please, why can't things
just stay the way they are?

Things have been the
way they are for too long.

J.J., try and understand.

No.

Later, later.

Uh, Barb,

uh, there's a man in
your bathroom there,

and I hope he's
only stealing towels.

Hey, babe.

Where'd you put my cologne?

You ran out, remember?

And I haven't had a
chance to get to the store.

Oh, yeah, well, okay.

I guess I'll just have
to rough it tonight.

Who is that?

Oh, that's nobody.

Just my husband.

"Nobody. Just my husband"?

You mean, like, an
Ernie-type husband?

Of course. You don't think

I'd let just anybody
come in and shower.

Well, who's this?

This is J.J.

Oh, so you're J.J.

Hey, what's happening, my man?

I done heard a
whole lot about you.

Uh, see, me and Barb here,

we're just real good buddies.

That ain't the way
I got it, my man.

Oh, yeah, well, see,
me and Barb, we just...

We just kind of pal
around together, you know?

Like we go to chamber
concerts together,

and music recitals,

and drink beer together.

She's just a real good pal.

Ol' buddy, ol' buddy...
Knock it off, J.J.

I told Ernie
everything about us.

Everything?

Now, I'm going to be
getting out of your all's way.

Now, I'm sorry if I
interrupted anything.

Oh, no, uh...

you didn't interrupt anything.

Anytime you feel like coming in,

come on in.

Any husband of Barbara's
is a friend of mine.

Thanks, J.J.

Thanks, bro.

Right on.

What's he doing here?

He stops by all the time,

to pick up fresh clothes,

to shave, to shower.

Oh, you know, I
feel a little funny

knowing that a
husband is showering

right next door to me, you know?

Uh, maybe I'm funny that way.

Maybe I'm crazy.

Hey. Don't think about Ernie.

"Don't think about Ernie"?

How can I not think

about an insanely
jealous husband?

He's not insanely jealous,

and, uh... come here.

Maybe this will take
your mind off of Ernie.

How's that?

Fantastic!

You sure Ernie
don't carry a g*n?

Ice pick or something?

Just forget about Ernie.

I would love to
forget about Ernie,

except that I want
just one good reason.

I said, one good reason

why he feels he can come here

and shower and shave
anytime he is dirty.

He pays the rent.

In that case, I'll pay the rent.

I'll move in,

and Ernie can shower and shave

down at the car wash.

J.J., the rent is $400 a month.

Uh, I got enough to
take us through Tuesday.

J.J., we were
going out to dinner.

Why don't we go.

Yeah, okay.

Ooh.

All of a sudden,

I don't feel too
much like eating.

Well, I'm on my way.

Thanks, baby.

Good meeting you, J.J.

Yeah.

All right, all right.

Hey, look, don't forget, babe.

Tomorrow, right?

Yeah, right.

What's all this talk
about tomorrow?

Nothing. We're
just having dinner.

You're having dinner tonight.

Why you got to have
dinner tomorrow too?

J.J., stop shouting.

I mean, just because
we're separated

doesn't mean we
can't be friends.

Hey, you're not
looking too good.

Are you still having
those stomach pains.

Nah.

Maybe I'd better call a doctor.

Why? Are you sick?

J.J., you just sit right there.

Oh, my God. Are you all right?

Of course.

Do I look like a man in pain?

Hey, baby, you better
just lie right there.

Is there anything
I can do for you?

Call a doctor.

J.J...

Okay, thank you
very much, doctor.

We'll do all we can to help him.

Okay, thank you. Bye-bye.

What did he say?

Is he gonna be all right?

He's on his way home.

It's nothing serious,
but it is his stomach.

If he doesn't take
care of himself,

it can turn into an ulcer.

An ulcer?

What's that?

Well, honey, it's something
like a hole in the stomach.

Oh, I've got that.

But I call it a belly button.

Girl, you better get over there.

Yeah, and a lot of people think
only older people get ulcers.

If J.J. would have stayed
here and played house

instead of running
around with other women,

this wouldn't have happened.

I can't believe J.J.
has a stomach ulcer.

I always thought the boy
had a cast-iron stomach.

Matter of fact,

I've seen him eat some
stuff that would gag a goat.

And who knows what
goes in his stomach

when he eats out.

Oh, Penny!

No, no, Thelma.

No, Penny didn't mean
what you think she means.

You see, what she meant

was there's food
out there, you know,

in those greasy
spoon restaurants

that's just as dangerous

as some of the food
you cook for us...

I didn't mean it, baby.

That's all right. That's
all right, Willona.

It's okay.

The important thing
is that the doctor said

we have to keep
J.J. calm and relaxed,

and not get him excited,
okay, about anything, all right?

Everything cool... - Hey! J.J.!

My brother. My
lovely, lovely brother.

Here, take your coat off
and make yourself comfy.

Uh, I think I'm in
the wrong apartment.

No, no, no.

Take his coat, Thelma,

and I'll help you take
off your galoshes.

Sit down. Relax.

Sit down, put your foot up.

Galoshes? I'm not
wearing any galoshes.

So why don't you put some on

so I can help you take them off.

What's going on here?

Don't worry, big brother.

We're just here to help you.

Just tell us whatever you want.

I just want to know
what's going on here.

Take it easy, now. Take it easy.

That's right, J.J.
Remember your belly button.

What Penny means
is the doctor called us

and we know about your
stomach trouble, honey.

Ah, what does he know?

J.J., the man should
know. He's a specialist.

Well, I walked into the office
and he had a skeleton in there.

How come he
didn't cure that guy?!

J.J., calm.

Calm down, J.J.

Calm. Calm.

I am calm.

It's just that when I come
home from a hard day's work,

I expect a normal day

of un-quiet and
un-peace around here!

We're just going
to make you happy,

brother, dear.

Just going to make you happy.

You'd make me more happy

if you put those teeth

back in that
jack-o'-lantern face.

Well, I won't smile anymore.

I'll just make you
some milk toast.

Hey, I don't want
any milk toast!

I want to hassle,
like we always do.

J.J., you're sick,

and we just want to help you.

Hey, Michael, I'm not sick,

and I'll be fine as soon
as Barbara gets here.

Oh, Barbara. What a nice girl.

But Mama, you said...

I just said, what
a nice girl, right?

Oh, yeah? If she's
such a nice girl,

why does she keep her
husband hiding in her shower?

You know, J.J.,
I agree with you.

She's no good.

Michael, you're talking
about the woman I love!

Stop trying to appease me.

Hassle me like you always do.

I said, hassle with me!

J.J., if you wanna hassle,

you hassle with yourself, okay?

'Cause we're gonna
keep you calm and relaxed

if we got to tie you
up and sit on you!

Cool, honey. Let's fix him
something to eat, all right?

I'm gonna make
him something to eat.

Like I said, milk toast...

You don't have to
get it. I'll get it for you.

Michael, I'm capable
of opening a door.

Hey...

Michael, you were
right. You open the door.

Hey, what's up, Bookman?

Hey, J.J.

I heard you were sick...

so I brought this over
from me and Mrs. Bookman.

You know, Bookman,

that's a nice thought of you.

That's exactly what J.J. needs.

Rest.

Yeah, I cut off the
other two words.

Thank you very much, Bookman.

Hey, that's okay, man.

I kept the "in peace"

in case you take a
turn for the worse.

That's so funny.

I don't know why they
let you out of that box.

Why don't you take
a turn for that door

and split.

I just came over
to cheer J.J. up.

He ain't dead.

Look, you should be
counting your blessings.

I mean, an ulcer ain't bad.

At least you know what you got.

Know what happened
the other day?

Mrs. Stevenson
left her apartment

on the seventh floor, right?

I mean, the picture of health.

By the time she got
down to the first floor,

she was dead, just like that.

Heart att*ck?

No, she fell out the window.

Yeah, Bookman, that
certainly cheers me up.

Look, I'm not surprised
you've got an ulcer, man.

It's dangerous

fooling around with
them married women.

You're right.

Look at you and Mrs. Bookman.

Hey, what do we have here?

What you put in your
mouth all the time, Bookman.

It's called "food."

But it's the wrong kind of food

for your ulcer.

Bookman, what you doing here?

I'm saving your brother's life.

Look at all this junk in
here. He can't be eating this.

Barbecued ribs.
There's a ham in there.

Pork chops, mustard, pickles...

All the wrong stuff.

Mm-mm!

Fried chicken!

Now, this is the worst
thing he should eat.

Bookman, aren't you
forgetting something?

Oh, yeah. Doughnuts.

Hold it!

Give me that thing.

Get out of here.

I'm only trying
to be a good egg.

Thanks a lot, Humpty Dumpty.

Hey, J.J.,

stay off your stomach
for a couple of days, okay?

Yeah, and take your
old crabgrass with you.

You got to stay calm,
J.J. You got to stay calm.

You know about
your condition, right?

Thelma, I don't
have a condition.

Stop babying me, you know?

Oh, J.J., I just
had to come over.

I've been so worried about you.

Well, thanks a lot,
mama, but I'm fine.

Yeah, he was fine.

To show you what
good condition I'm in,

I know this great
Italian restaurant.

We can go have some pizza.

J.J., you can't
be going out now,

and you know pizza's
not good for you.

Thelma, I know
what's good for me,

and it happens to be
this lady right here. Barb.

That's why I'm going
to change my shirt,

and I'll be right back.

Okay, baby.

Uh, Barbara, may I ask
you something personal?

Sure, Thelma.

It's about J.J.

What about J.J.?

Well, I don't know
exactly how to...

Leave him alone!

Hey, wait a minute.

You're just his sister,
not his mother, so you...

Hey, don't you be
getting down in...

Will you be cool?

Go in your room, kids.

I'm going to talk to
Barbara by myself, all right?

If I had my choice,
I'd just as soon listen.

You don't have a choice,
so come on, let's go.

Have a seat, Barbara.

Hey, I'm, uh...

kind of sorry about that
little thing with Thelma.

She's a little upset.
You understand?

Yeah, I understand,

but what she has to realize

is that J.J. and I
are both over 21.

Well, what you have to realize

is that J.J. never had an
ulcer before he met you.

Hey, are you trying
to tell me something?

I'm ain't trying,
honey. I'm succeeding.

Look, you can't blame
me for J.J.'s condition.

He has a pressure-cooker job.

He's got this whole
family to support.

Now, I'm the only one

that keeps his
mind off his troubles.

I keep him happy.

Whoopie.

But when are you going
to divorce your husband?

That's none of your business.

Now, that's true.

Let me tell you
something, honey.

Now, J.J.'s like a son to me.

I love him very much.

And I usually mind my business.

But when he's in pain,
I make it my business.

Hey, time.

I mean, J.J. is a man,

and I know that
better than you do.

You're right, baby.

You're absolutely,
positively right.

Now, he is a man,

but for a lot more reasons
than what you think.

You listen to me,

and you listen
kind of good, okay?

I know a few people like you.

You know, women
that play one end

against the other end.

That are afraid to
let go of one man,

hold on to your husband,
and hold on to J.J.,

don't let nobody go,

because you're afraid of
making a real commitment.

The real sad part
about it, Barbara, is this:

I don't believe you
love either one of them.

Hey, you are wrong.

I love J.J.,

and I'm not going
to give him up.

A-ha!

That's all I've been
waiting to hear!

Come here, lover.

J.J., you really set
my thermostat on high.

Then let's keep the fire going.

How about me and
you getting married?

We will, we will.

Ah, beautiful!

Someday, hon.

What do you mean, someday?

All you got to do
is get divorced,

then me and you get married.

Maybe we can find
one of those judges

to give us a two-for-one sale.

J.J., we can't get
married right now.

I mean, you don't
have enough money yet.

Oh, well, then, hey, don't
worry about it, mama.

I'll go out there
and get another job.

But what about your family?

I mean, how are you going
to support them and me?

Hey, no problem. We'll
get a cheaper apartment.

I don't want a
cheaper apartment.

Hey, no worry at all.

You can get a part-time job.

I don't want a job.

I mean, things
are going just fine

the way they are.

Yeah, with Ernie supporting you.

Hmm.

You don't want a part-time job.

I'm out there busting
my tail for you.

I thought you said you loved me.

J.J., I do love you.

I adore you.

But you're not giving me time.

You're giving me
the time. A hard time.

Hey, look here, Barbara,

you have to make
a decision right now.

Either it's me or Ernie.

J.J., things have
been so perfect.

Why do you want
to spoil everything?

So my pain will go away.

Mm. You realize
what I just said?

You know, you're the
reason for this pain.

No, honey, that's not true.

Hey, look, Barb, you
got to choose, right now.

I mean, make a decision.
It's either me or Ernie.

I mean, do whatever
you have to do.

Flip a coin, but
either it's me or Ernie.

I-I can't.

I won't make that decision.

Barb, you just did.

Babe...

♪ Just lookin' Out
of the window ♪

♪ Watchin' the asphalt grow ♪

♪ Thinkin' how It all
looks hand-me-down ♪

♪ Good times ♪
♪ Hey, yeah ♪

♪ Good times ♪

♪ Keepin' your
head Above water ♪

♪ Makin' a wave When you can ♪

♪ Temporary layoffs ♪

♪ Good times ♪

♪ Easy credit Ripoffs ♪

♪ Good times ♪

Good Times was videotaped
in front of a studio audience.

♪ Good times ♪
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