06x21 - Man in the Attic

[bunniefuu]

♪ You take the good,
you take the bad ♪

♪ You take 'em both
and there you have ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ There's a time you
gotta go and show ♪

♪ You're growin',
now you know about ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be livin' up
to your dreams ♪

♪ And suddenly
you're findin' out ♪

♪ The facts of
life are all about ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ It takes a lot
to get 'em right ♪

♪ When you're learnin'
the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪♪

It's not locked, it's stuck!

Well, that's it, everybody
back downstairs.

We promised mrs. Garrett
we'd clean the attic

Before she got back from tucson.

Blair, put your
shoulder against it.

I did that!

She means push.

All right, all right,
everybody back.

One, two, three!

I'm going to the hospital now.

All right, everybody
push at once. You ready?

One, two, three!

Looks like a one-man job.

Tootie?

Hey, hold it.

You each have your
appointed task, so get to it.

This is the kind of job I like.

Big... And dirty.

Where's jo? Isn't she
supposed to be helping?

She's out with kevin somewhere.

Well, look, the
sooner we get started,

The sooner we're outta here.

Girl, what are you doing?

Are you criticizing
the way I work?

The duster is not a difficult
thing to master, blair.

Don't do it, tootie.

First, poise the duster

Over the object to be dusted.

Position your body thusly,

And then move your
arm back and forth

In a rapid, dust-moving manner.

I'll get the vacuum.

We're back.

Sure, now we're
practically finished.

Oh... Jo, since you were
not here when we started,

I assigned you to
the basement detail.

Now, this is a complete
list of everything

That has to be done down there.

Check them off as
they're completed.

Keep it, I've got a copy.

Put it in neutral, tootie.

Gotta help kevin
look for an apartment.

I thought you liked your place.

Oh, it was okay for a while.

But living with three
guys, partying all night.

I'm getting too old for that.

They kicked him out.

So I'm out on the street.

No money, few friends,

And I need a place
to stay. Any ideas?

No, nothing comes
to mind. Natalie?

Beats me. I'm stumped.

Hey, you could...

Look in the classifieds, yeah!

I'm sure there's lots
of places for rent.

They're all too expensive.

Or you have to
share with strangers.

We're not strangers.

So... We can help you look.

Good idea, jo.

You know, I never
knew you had an attic.

Oh, it's not really
much of an attic.

Dusty and dirty.

Mildew you could die from.

You could move in here!

Who would want
to live in an attic, jo?

I could clean it out, paint it,

Build in some furniture...

Excuse us, kevin,
we have to talk.

You can talk here.

Not with what I have to say.

I'll just stay here
and get the feel of it.

Oh, sure, sure.

Just don't get
emotionally attached.

But if you feel like
dusting... No dusting!

All right!

I think it's a great idea.

He's our friend...
It's our duty to help.

You just want him
to do your work.

What's wrong with that?

We use him, he uses
us... That's friendship.

The poor boy needs shelter.

What happens when there's
nothing left to clean?

We kick him out.
It's only temporary.

We can't just kick him out.

We can't?

Why do things have
to be so complicated?

I thought you guys liked kevin.

It's nothing personal.

Just, a guy living here

Would upset the
delicate balance.

He'd wash socks in the sink.

You wash your socks in the sink.

That's different...
I have girl's feet.

And how would it look?

I'm not following you.

Our reputations, jo!

Word gets around.

People talk.

They'd start
calling us trollops!

Trollops, tootie? Trollops?

No one says trollops anymore.

They'd bring it back for us.

Plus we'd have no privacy.

He'd be around all the time,

So we'd have to be sociable
and pretend to be nice.

Do you know how hard it
is to be nice all the time?

Do i.

So it's settled, he's history.

Come on, this isn't fair.

We'll take a vote.
Nothing fairer than that.

All in favor...

Well, shouldn't it
be secret ballot?

You're not gonna make a
big production out of this,

Are you, tootie?

It's better this way.

See, this way we can
vote our conscience,

Without fear of hurting
anybody's feelings.

Ok, I'll read.

No, no, no... Yes, yes, yes.

It could have
been any one of us.

There's no sense voting.

It doesn't matter what we say.

Mrs. Garrett'll never go for it.

There's only one
way to find out.

She's on vacation her fiancé!

We can't bother her.

Besides, we know exactly
what she's gonna say.

We do?

Hi, ted? This is tootie ramsey
from peekskill, new york.

Can I speak with
mrs. Garrett, please?

That was ted.

Hi, mrs. Garrett, how are you?

Oh, everything's fine.

Um, I can't hear you very well.

You're in a hot tub.

They're in a hot tub.

Mrs. G., Did you
take your swimsuit?

It's ok.

Listen, I got a quick question.

You wouldn't want a man
living in our attic, right?

That's what I thought.

Tell her who it is.

Kevin needs a
place to stay and...

Why is that different?

I know he's ted's son, but...

Yeah, he's a nice guy,
we like him too, but...

Ok, see you when you get back.

Good-bye.

She's against it.

I'd like to know
her exact words.

She said it's ok with
her if it's ok with us.

So?

Girls, I just wanna let you know

That whatever you
decide, I'll understand.

No pressure.

Do what you think is best.

Please let me stay!

All right, you're
in, let go of my legs.

Excuse me.

Ok, ok, we may as well
get this out in the open

And get it over with.

This is how I look
in the morning.

I'm not gonna pretend
anything different.

It takes hours for
me to look beautiful

And I'm not about to get up
early and go through all that

Just to please you, ok?

Ok.

Morning, guys.

He knows the score.

Good.

Good morning,
blair, morning, jo.

Kevin!

What are you doing?

Shaving.

In front of an open window?

We have neighbors, you know!

I know, I waved to them.

You waved to them like that?

Yeah.

Oh, that's just great.

That's just wonderful.

By now it's probably
all over town.

"Guy shacks up with
four easy women."

Tomorrow it'll
be in the tabloids!

Tootie, nobody reads those.

I read those.

Could you please
keep your robe closed?

Somebody could come by.

We could have a delivery.

I can't believe he
doesn't have socks on!

Ok, ok, I could make up
excuses for the way I look.

I was up late, I
slept on my face.

But I won't.

This is me.

Take me as I am.

You got it.

That's all I wanted to say.

Good morning, girls.

Good morning, kevin.

Oh, what a sleep I had.

Sorry I'm late.

Just fell out of bed.

Oh, no...

New shoes, cinderella?

They're corrective.

Hey, kevin, why are you
doing that down here?

You know there's an
extra bathroom upstairs.

I couldn't get into it.

I knocked for an hour
and nobody answered.

So I dozed off.

I'll be out of here in a minute.

You go ahead and eat.

[Gargling]

Kevin, do you mind not
making that hideous sound

While we eat?

Sor... Sorry.

Eww... All right,
all right, I'll change.

But it's only out of simple
courtesy, nothing more.

I think I'll finish upstairs.

Uh, you sleep in on
the weekends, right?

Yeah, 7:30, 8:00.

Oh, perfect.

I'll see you tonight.

Hey, steer clear of windows!

7:30!

So far, so good.

[Noises outside bedroom]

[Hammering]

[Music playing]

But I don't want to disco.

Go back to sleep, blair.

What's that music?

You're dreaming.

There's music in your dream.

I'm in your dream.

Will these nightmares
never stop?

I'm leaving your
dream now, blair.

Kevin, what are you doing?

I can't get this
thing to turn off.

It must have gotten
jammed in the move.

Thanks.

Do you realize
it's after midnight?

I know.

I couldn't sleep.

I guess I'm just excited
about being here.

You wanna grab that end?

Let's move it down there.

Quietly, please.

Look, it was my idea
that you moved in here.

The others girls
aren't quite as excited.

I did something, didn't i?

No, it's not just one thing.

It's the jeep parts
in the sink, isn't it?

No.

The waterbed leaking?

It leaks?

I mopped it all up.

I found some towels
in the hall closet.

Those would be blair's.

They're really absorbent.

Kevin, this isn't
what I would call

Starting off on the right foot.

Yeah, I know.

I'm really gonna try
and be more considerate.

And maybe you girls could
keep your voices down.

Now, I think that
would be a good...

What do you mean,
keep our voices down?

It's the vents in the house.

When you're in your bedroom,
I can hear every word you say.

I don't believe this.

Where'd I put the matches?

That all right, I
can find the door.

Guess what?

I was gonna oil that.

Blair! Wake up,
this is not a dream!

Terrific.

You know, I wanna thank
you for helping me out.

You've really been great.

Ah, that's all right.

No, I mean it.

You've really gone
out of your way

To make me feel welcome,
and I appreciate it.

Well, you are welcome.

Well, it nice to feel that way.

I'm glad you do.

So am i.

Was somebody calling for help?

Obviously not. My mistake.

I'll be going now.

Uh, we were just, um...
See, the door got stuck,

And the light went out,
and kevin was just, um...

Well, uh... Oil that!

What was that all about?

Nothing. I don't
wanna talk about it.

Oh, well, I can understand that.

How could I miss
something so obvious?

You were so anxious
to get him into the house

Because you and kevin
have a thing going.

We do not have a thing going.

Nothing going, no thing.

Then why were you kissing him?

You were kissing kevin?

Kissing? I distinctly
heard the word "kissing."

I don't believe this. Would
you go back to sleep?

Oh, I'll miss a couple
hours for this.

Now, exactly when
did this relationship

Take on a physical dimension?

It hasn't, believe me.

Then why are we whispering?

Because he can hear
everything we say.

That's ridiculous!
He cannot hear us.

Yes, I can.

Cover that vent!

Look, nothing happened.

Oh, of course not.

It was dark, you
reached for the switch,

And you fell on his lips.

All right, I'm gonna
tell you this once.

We were talking, we
were sitting close...

And I'm in big trouble.
What am I gonna do?

You'll go out,
you'll double date.

One thing'll lead to another.

But I don't like him.

Then you'll dump him.

You hang around
him all the time.

How can you not like him?

I like him, I just don't
like him that way.

Well, it looks
like he likes you.

I was just trying to be a pal.

Now the poor guy's stuck on me.

I knew there'd be trouble.

Look, there are a thousand ways

Of letting someone know.
You're not interested.

Oh, I don't know.

I think I should just be honest.

A few hints dropped
in the right places,

He'll forget you exist.

I'm looking forward to it.

Just one thing that bothers me.

Out of all of us, he picked you.

Hmm... Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

What's happening?

Quiet!

Jo's saying something to kevin.

Looks like... "Hi."

Now he's saying something.

"How's it going?"

Could be "how're you doing?"

I can't be sure.

Well?

She didn't dump him yet.

Andy, how do you
always seem to know

What's going on around here?

I have my sources.

I understand curiosity.

I went through that whole thing

When I was immature.

Do you really think
this is gonna work?

I worked with her all morning.

The body language,
the curve of a sentence,

All the finer points.

She just sat on the fern.

Wait a minute.

She's waving in this direction.

She's mouthing something!

"Go... Away..."

Listen, if it'll help any,

I could have a talk
with kevin, man to man.

Thanks, andy,
we'll keep it in mind.

But I don't know
why I should help.

Nobody asked me to
move into their attic.

Andy, you have a home.

Sure, but living
with four women?

My friends would gain a
whole new respect for me.

This isn't working.

This takes time.

He'll get the hint.

He asked me to go to lunch.

What'd you say?

No way.

Are you using the body language?

Hey, jo, you wanna
go out tonight?

Uh, I think I got
something to do.

Okay, I'll come along.

You can't.

Why? It's a quilting bee.

Women only.

Yeah! A man shows
up, they turn ugly.

That's too bad.

I thought we'd go to
the basketball game.

Oh, I'd love to! Ahem!

But I really can't.

That's ok, I'm not
going anywhere.

We've got all the
time in the world.

[Whistling]

[Humming]

Ahem.

Hi, nat.

Hi. What are you doing?

I hope you don't mind.

There wasn't any
room in the attic.

Oh, ok.

A little moist, isn't it, kevin?

Yeah, I didn't want to
shrink it in the dryer.

You know how cashmere is.

Is that blair's sweater?

Yeah, but I didn't
mind doing it.

You guys have
been so nice to me.

I'll bet these are my pantyhose.

Yeah, there was a bunch of
stuff in the laundry room.

I just threw it all in together.

Threw it in...

I don't know, I left it
in the laundry room.

Well, what does it look like?

Red, you know, with
little black-and-white cows

That are being
twisted and tortured!

You did our laundry?

There are things in
our laundry, kevin.

Private things!

I put them on delicate.

They came out great... Here.

Don't pull them out.

It's bad enough
you saw them once.

Oh... They're tennis shoes.

There's plenty of room
with the bras and panties.

Don't touch anything.

I've got a class.

I'll finish it when I come back.

He k*lled my cows.

They used to be
so happy and perky.

Now there are fuzz balls

Where the little
heifers used to be.

Hey, guys.

I can handle public humiliation.

I can take the gossip.

But nobody washes
my private things.

There are things
in there so private,

I don't even know what they are.

It's the last straw.

He has to go.

I want my cows back.

So, jo, you're gonna
have to tell him.

Oh, wait a minute,
what happened to,

"You'll hurt his feelings, jo"?

That was different.

That's before he
destroyed my herd.

We have a problem.

No, you don't.

Look, just tell him
what's bothering you.

Be straight with him.

That's exactly what I'm gonna do

When he gets back.

Oh, hi.

Yeah... Uh, can I talk to you?

I thought you were
at the quilting bee.

Quilting? Oh, yeah!

Well, fight broke
out, I had to leave.

That's too bad.

Look, I'm lying.

There was no quilting bee.

It was just an excuse.

One of my dumbest.

Really? I bought it.

Look, you see, the reason
that I was lying was...

Well... This isn't easy.

In fact I'm having a lot
of trouble saying this.

Look, I don't want you
to get your hopes up.

I know you think you're
feeling something...

You're thinking that i...

Well, that you and i...

I'm sorry, I don't think
I've met your friend.

Hi. Hi.

Jo, this is, uh... Diane. Diane.

Jo, diane.

Jo. Diane.

Di works at the drugstore.

Oh, that's great,
that's... Great.

I've, uh, seen you there.

It's a great store.

It's great.

Best in town.

Oh, the best, no
question, ha ha.

Oh... Well... I can't,
you know, stay...

You guys have business,
things to talk about.

Ha ha... Oh! Already! Ha ha.

Well... Whoa... Great! Hey, bye.

No stereo after 7:00.

Tootie, he's 22 years old.

Ok, 7:30.

Don't forget about
the mint toothpaste.

"We hate mint."

Do you believe this?

He's got a girl up there!

"No girls up there."

She works at the drugstore.

He probably went to pick up musk

And picked her up instead.

Correct me if I'm wrong,

But I thought the problem was

He wasn't bringing
strange girls into his room.

They're having a party up there.

They're eating our cheese.

Doesn't that bother you?

Sounds to me like
somebody's jealous.

Jealous? Me?

That's a laugh.

Ha! Ha ha ha!

You think so?

I can't be jealous.

I don't wanna go out with him.

I just like him as a friend.

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure.

Then why are you
acting like this?

Because I just made a
total fool out of of myself

In front of the woman
I buy shampoo from.

Do you know how
embarrassing that is?

No. Can't say that I do.

Jo, can I talk to you?

I hate it when he does that.

You called?

I figured we should talk.

I wanted to apologize.

Yeah, well, you should.

It just wasn't very
considerate of me.

Yeah, well, I sort
of overreacted.

I know, I heard.

It was just a shock.

I was a little embarrassed.

I came up here to tell
you something and...

What were you gonna tell me?

Well, see, I thought
that, that you liked me

In the way that
you like somebody

When you like them that way.

I do, I think.

What other way is there?

A lot of other ways.

Come on, we go out
together, do things, talk...

We have fun together.

That's a friendship, kevin.

Look, I like you, I really
do, but I like you as a friend.

And I'm sure that's the
way you feel about me.

But the kiss was fun.

Oh, yeah, I'll admit
I was flattered.

It was nice, but it wasn't us.

Jo, when I meet
a girl I like a lot,

It can start out as friends,
but it can't stay that way.

That's just the way things work.

They don't have
to work that way.

You're just gonna
have to trust me on this.

Ok.

Does that mean
we can still kiss?

No, kevin.

Kevin, if you've got a minute,

We have a few things we'd
like to discuss with you.

Fine.

Aren't you gonna tell him?

I thought you
were gonna tell him.

No, no.

I'll tell him. I know the list.

All right, kevin.

Rule number one.

What's this?

The beep. The beep.

You can't be on the
answering machine

Because there's no
room for your name

Before the beep.

That's right, tootie,
start with the big ones.

Number two: pets.

Keep your hands off my cows.

Number 37.

Bathroom hours.

Monday through friday,
we get it from 7 to 9.

Fine, I'll use the texaco
station across the street.

We'll get you a key
with a big stick on it.

Ha ha ha, you're too generous.

♪ You'll avoid a lot of damage ♪

♪ And enjoy the fun of
managing the facts of life ♪

♪ They shed a lot of light ♪

♪ If you hear 'em
from your brother ♪

♪ Better clear 'em
with your mother ♪

♪ Better get 'em right,
call her late at night ♪

♪ You got the future in
the palm of your hand ♪

♪ All you gotta do
to get you through ♪

♪ Is understand ♪

♪ You think you'd
rather do without ♪

♪ You'll never make it
through without the truth ♪

♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪♪