Receptionist: Mike Seaver!
Mike: Here's my number then.
Auditioner: Hello, Mike.
Mike: Oh, hi, very nice to meet you.
Auditioner: Are those prop books?
Auditioner: Mike, I usually get eight by tens for my actors.
Mike: Oh, oh, well...ah...see I'm just starting out, so I'm using two by threes.But I'm gonna work my way up.
Auditioner: What kind of experience do you have?
Mike: Ah, well...errm...I auditioned for a play at the Lincoln Centre, and I auditioned for the Swimmy the happy fish commercial, and I was this close to being a roll-on deodorant.
Auditioner: Now, this sh**t's next Thursday, will you be available?
Mike: I got the part!I got the part!
Auditioner: No, Mike, Mike, I'm just checking you're availability.Do you have school that day?
Mike: I'll drop out!
Mike: Ah...it doesn't matter what happens to me Sarah, but you've got a family who loves you...
Auditioner: Hang on, there's an ambulance on the way.
Mike: Sarah, I'm not gonna make Sergeant, am I?
Auditioner: Thank you.
Mike: You're welcome.
Auditioner: No, see, you're supposed to say goodbye, now.
Mike: Oh, oh, right.Goodbye.
Auditioner: Ha.He reminds me of a young Michael J.Fox.
Ben: You mean it?Really?Yes!Alright!
Carol: Good news, Ben?
Ben: The best of my life!I'm in the bake sale!
Jason: Maybe I've been sending you mixed signals, Ben.You want to go and toss the old football around?
Maggie: Hold on, Ben.You think, you can just tell me to make three hundred cookies, and leave.
Ben: Mom, you're the greatest.
Mike: Mom!Dad!The coolest thing happened today!You're never gonna guess what happened!Go on, take a guess!No, you'll never guess!
Carol: You're in the bake sale, too.
Jason: No.
Maggie: You got a part on television!
Mike: Yeah!On New York Heat!Produced...produced by Mr.Aaron Spelling.
Jason: Starring Morgan Chase!
Mike: Yeah.
Jason: You're gonna meet her!
Mike: Yeah!
Jason: Woo woo!She's a...She's very talented.
Mike: Yeah Dad, and I play Officer Bukowski, the heroic rookie cop, who takes a b*llet and dies in the line of duty!
Jason: You die!
Mike: Yeah
Maggie: Oh, that's wonderful!!
Carol: Well, why did they pick you, over a real actor?
Mike: A real actor?Ah.You know, I know we teased each other a lot over the years, Carol, but...I...I thought that maybe this time you'd understand; I mean this is my big break.I thought that just for maybe once, you'd be happy for me.
Carol: I was only kidding.I mean, that's just what Mike and I do.
Jason: Yeah, well maybe this time you've gone a little too far, Carol.
Carol: I'll go and apologise.
Mike: Not a real actor, rat breath.
Mike: No, no, no, Operah, my first role was not opposite De Niro in Street; it was on New York Heat.You know what, Operah, we have something in common...I'll tell you, I'll tell you...When I was on the cover of TV guide, they used Anne Margaret's body too.
Ben: Hey, Mike...
Mike: Oh, hey, hey, hey Benny!Did you hear the great news?
Ben: Yeah; you're gonna be on New York Heat.
Mike: Right!Did Mom and Dad tell you?
Ben: No, I heard Carol talking on the phone.She'd been calling all her friends and bragging about you.
Mike: This is our sister you're talking about?
Ben: Yeah, the one with the constipated look.
Mike: Well, well, well.This is very interesting.
Ben: You know, I always knew you'd end up on TV.But, I figured it would be on the News.
Mike: Hey, as long as you're here, you wanna help me run my lines?
Ben: Me?
Mike: Yeah, yeah, look.OK, now you can play, Officer Sarah McCauley.
Ben: You mean, Morgan Chase?
Mike: Yeah.
Ben: Ho ho ho!
Ben: I'm getting into character.
Mike: OK.Bang!Ah...ah.
Ben: Oh, Bukowski, that b*llet was meant for me; why'd you do it?
Mike: Oh...it doesn't matter what happens to me, Sarah, but you've got a family who loves you.
Ben: Hang on, there's an ambulance on the way.
Mike: Sarah, I'm not gonna make Sergeant, am I?
Ben: I see this every day, and I never get used to it.
Jason: Ben, homework, or no homework, we're tossing the football around.
Ben: Dad, see, we were just err...
Jason: Go on!I've gotta talk to Mike...and Ben, don't let your mother see you with those breasts.Mike...
Mike: Dad, Dad, look, I was doing my homework, alright?So, look, you don't have to worry, this...this part is not gonna interfere with my homework at all.
Jason: Forget school!
Mike: Huh?
Jason: Could you get me Morgan Chase's autograph?
Director: Stand-in!!You ready?
Mike: Ready.
Director: Roll 'em!Slate it!In one-twelve, take one!Marker!And...action!Wait for the cue...g*nsh*t!!g*nsh*t!!Switch!!And...action!
Actor: Bukowski's been hit!Morgan Chase: Bukowski, I'm sorry!That b*llet was meant for me!Why'd you do it?
Morgan Chase: Bukowski, I'm sorry!That b*llet was meant for me!Why'd you do it?
Mike: Sarah, it doesn't matter what happens to me, but you have a family who loves you.Morgan Chase: Hang on!
Morgan Chase: Hang on!
Mike: Sarah.
Morgan Chase: Yeah.
Mike: I'm not gonna make Sergeant, am I?
Morgan Chase: You're just a kid.I see this every day, and I never get used to it.
Director: And cut!!!Was it good for you.OK, we got it.Let's move into closure.Nice job, kid!
Mike: Thank you, Richard.Hey, I owe you, Paul.Gracias, PJ.Dude!He said, nice job!!You wanna congratulate me?
Morgan Chase: Excuse me, Mike.
Mike: Wow, she knows me, by name.
Maggie: Ben, I made your cookies.Took me all day, but that's the joy of being the selfless mother, I am.
Ben: Mom, I forgot to tell you; I dropped out of the bake sale.
Maggie: What?
Ben: Well, see, when I told Laura-Lynn that Mike was gonna be on TV, she got all excited, so who needs cookies?
Jason: Want me to hold him, while you smack him around?
Maggie: I want you to sit down, right here young man, and eat these cookies...all three hundred of them.
Ben: Alright!!
Mike: They liked me...they really liked me!!
Jason: Hey!
Mike: Yeah!Yeah Dad, and the Director himself said, nice job!
Jason: Well that's great, Mike.
Maggie: That's great, honey!
Mike: Yeah, yeah, here's my contract, look!It says, Michael Seaver, here and after the artist.I am now legally an artist.
Ben: I'll get it.
Jason: Alright, our son's first contract.We're gonna get this framed, Mike!
Ben: Mike, it's Tony from the acting class.
Mike: Oh, oh, right.We gotta study tonight...errm...Tell him I'll call him back later.
Jason: And I'm glad to hear, you're keeping up with your school work too.
Ben: He'll call you back later.
Mike: Oh yeah, and Dad here's your autographed picture of Morgan Chase.
Jason: Oh!!Where'd you get the idea, I'd want one of those?
Mike: From you, Dad.
Jason: Carol, your brother knocked 'em dead today on New York Heat.
Carol: It's just a stupid TV show.
Mike: That hurts, Carol.You know, that really, really hurts.
Maggie: Carol!
Carol: Mom, he was just acting again.He's a good actor.
Jason: Well go tell him that.
Maggie: She had to have this re-touched, nobody is this gorgeous.
Jason: Oh...somebody is.
Maggie: Too little, too late.
Mike:(on the phone) I am not crazy, Tony.I have a reason for not studying for this test tomorrow.Look, with my acting career taking off, I don't need to study, I'm dropping out of school.Yeah, Tony, I'm serious.Look, I don't want you telling any one yet, alright?So just put a sock in your big...Carol!Look, Tony, I'll talk to you later, OK?Of course, I'm not dropping out of school, Tony, I was just kidding!Yeah, alright.Later.(puts the phone down) Oh, man, this acting stuff is almost too easy.
Carol: You weren't acting!You're really gonna quit school over one crummy acting job on one stupid TV show!
M ike: You're calling a TV show on ABC, stupid!
Carol: Yes, if it means you're gonna quit!Mike, think, or get as close to it as you can.I mean, what if this job was a fluke?I mean, what if you never work again?What if, this is the beginning of the end?A painful, lonely, bitter end, with your family as your only solace!
Mike: What if I flush you down my toilet?
Carol: I'd see your future there!
Mike: Oh, oh, you know Carol, I should have known that Ben was crazy when he told me that you were bragging to all you friends about me!!
Carol: What?
Mike: You have never, ever, in your entire life, believed in me.So how could you possibly understand this now?
Carol: Yes.
Mike: Good.
Carol: Mike, whether you know it or not, I love you, I support you, I'm on your side.
Mike: Well, I don't know what to say.
Carol: See, anybody can act!Bozo!
Ben: Five minutes to New York Heat.
Maggie: That's right, Mom, he plays Bukowski, the heroic rookie who takes a b*llet and dies in the line of duty.Oh, and you'll call Mark and Stacey for me?Great, thanks.
Jason: Is there anyone on Long Island who doesn't know that Mike's on TV tonight?
Maggie: Yes.
Mike: In less than five minutes, I will be seen by Producers and agents all across the country and they will be b*ating a path to my door.Wo ho, they're early!
Ben: No Mike, this is my lovely date.Stinky, what are you doing here?
Stinky: Hey Mike, thanks for having me at your debut.
Mike: Oh sure, hey it's real...
Ben: It's about time!
Laura-Lynn: What?
Ben: For the show to start.But you're as punctual as always, dear.
Laura-Lynn: That's better.
Ben: I'm sure you remember my brother.
Laura-Lynn: It's always enchanting to meet someone who's tasted celebrity.Stinky...fetch.May I have your autograph?
Mike: Oh, wow, sure!
Laura-Lynn: Sign it, to Laura, the sexiest blonde I know, your obedient servant, Michael Seaver.
Maggie: OK, I'll get the lemonade; you kids pick your seats.
Laura-Lynn: Thanks.
Ben: So, would you like to see the room where Mike grew up?
Laura-Lynn: Oh, that'd be lovely
Ben: This shirt used to be Mike's.
Laura-Lynn: Wow!
Ben: And the pants!
Carol: So, Mike have you dropped your b*mb yet?
Stinky: No, that was me.I'm sorry.
Jason: OK, everybody sitting close together.I wanna get everybody in this sh*t.
Mike: Dad!You're taping the show, and you're taping us watching it?
Jason: Yes I am銆?
Mike: OK, Mom, Dad, after the show I have a little announcement I'd like to make.
Carol: And you'll want to make sure you save plenty of tape for that.
Morgan Chase:(TV)I'm telling you you're making the biggest mistake of your life.You caught me at a bad time chief, can I call you back after I finish showering?There he is!He's about to make his move.Alright, get your hands up!
Mike: This is it!This is it!
Actor:(TV) Bukowski's been hit!
Morgan Chase: Bukowski!I'm sorry, that b*llet was meant for me!Hang on, there's an ambulance on the way.
Mike: They cut my lines!
Maggie: You were wonderful!I'll get the cake!
Mike: Forget the cake!Don't you guys understand?My...my...my part ended up on the cutting room floor!
Jason: Well, don't be so hard on yourself.You were just on National TV!
Mike: But Dad, don't you get it, my lines were cut!
Stinky: I thought you were gonna talk in this show.
Mike: So did I.
Maggie: Oh, but honey when you got sh*t, you did a wonderful fall.
Mike: Mom, that was a stunt man!
Jason: The cough, the cough!It was a heck of a cough!
Mike: Dad, it wasn't even my cough; they dubbed it!I mean, he went, hahaha, and I went huhuhu.
Laura-Lynn: And I let you grope me for that!I feel so dirty.
Maggie: Oh, oh the credits.
Jason: Yeah, come on Mike!Let's get this in perspective here.Let's look at what you have accomplished.
Mike: Coughing Boy!!Michael Weaver!!
Stinky: Well, I had a lovely evening.Night Mike, Carol, doctor and Mrs.Weaver.
Maggie: Oh, honey, don't be upset.It was your first job, you did OK.
Jason: Yeah Mike, come on!They picked you!They paid you!They said you did a good job.Think of it as a learning experience.
Carol: Sort of like school.
Jason: Well, on a happier note...errm...Mike, what's the big announcement?
Mike: Announcement?Well err...
Carol: I'll tell them, Mike.
Mike: Err...No you won't.
Carol: Yes I will.
Mike: No, Carol.
Carol: Well, it's just that, you two shouldn't worry this'll go to Mike's head and make him drop out of school; because Mike knows he has a lot to learn, right Mike?
Mike: Err...Yeah!
Maggie: Mike, that's a very mature point of view.
Jason: I never doubted you for a minute.Let's eat that cake.
Mike: Alright, so what's going on here Carol?You covered for me.
Carol: OK, I'll admit it, I'm not totally grossed out to be related to you.
Mike: Oh, come on, don't go getting all mushy on me.
Carol: It's just that when I say you on TV before, I felt something about you that I've never felt before...it's pride.
Mike: Carol, you're....err...proud of me?
Carol: Yeah.Who knew?
Mike: So you really were bragging to all your friends about me?
Carol: Bragging is such a strong word.
Mike: So you really meant it when you talked about being on my side and supporting me and loving me?
Carol: Yeah.
Carol and Mike: Don't tell anyone about this.
Maggie and Jason: Wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa!
05x07 - Coughing Boy
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Series followed the misadventures of the Seaver family, Jason & Maggie and their three children Mike, Carol, and Ben.
Series followed the misadventures of the Seaver family, Jason & Maggie and their three children Mike, Carol, and Ben.