07x07 - Doo-Wah

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Facts of Life". Aired: August 24, 1979 - May 7, 1988.*
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Spin-off of Diff'rent Strokes; focuses on Edna as she becomes a housemother at the fictional Eastland School, an all-girls boarding school.
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07x07 - Doo-Wah

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ You take the good,
you take the bad ♪

♪ You take 'em both,
and there you have ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ There's a time you
gotta go and show ♪

♪ You're growin',
now you know about ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be livin' up
to your dreams ♪

♪ Then suddenly
you're findin' out ♪

♪ The facts of
life are all about ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ All about you ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ All about you ♪

♪ It takes a lot
to get 'em right ♪

♪ When you're learnin'
the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪♪

Before we begin our tutorial,

I'm gonna give you
a little background.

All right, now, before
we begin our tutorial,

I'm gonna give you
a little background.

You see, computers have been
with us for a very long time.

The ancient chinese used
what some people consider

To be the first
computer, the abacus.

Fast forward a
few thousand years.

You knew I'd be thorough
when you sent me

To the seminar, natalie.

That's why you chose me.

We chose you because you
kept saying, "let me go. Let me go."

I want to play
with the buttons."

I read where this baby
makes your heart skip.

It throws off gamma rays.

Then it's settled. As soon as the
lead suits come in, we're yours.

It's all very simple.

Now, every time
you sell a pencil,

You enter it in the computer.

First, your access code.

And for me, that's
"too" for tootie.

Ok. Then the code
for large pencils,

And then the code
for the supplier.

Finally, the number
of pencils in stock, 4.

And now, according to this,

We only have four pencils.

How did we ever get along

Without a computer?

I'll man the keyboard first.

Jo, you and blair can
count the key chain puzzles.

I don't want to work with
her. She spits when she counts.

Only when I wear my retainer.

All right, nat, you're with me.

George, why don't you
count the snoopy accessories.

Can't I do gumby?

All he's got is that
one leisure suit.

"Russian literature 101-b.
Crime and punishment,

Dostoevski."

Four dozen chocolate chip cookies
haven't gone into the oven yet.

Anna karenina, the
brothers karamazov.

No "t" in karamazov.

I have a business to run.

"Eleanovich, arkadaovich,
avilovich, avanovich."

I can't tell vich is vich.

Mid-terms. She's been
locked in her room for days.

Three term papers due
at the end of the month.

Can you talk and
count at the same time?

I don't think so.

Hi, guys. Hi, andy.

I've got something
I want to show you.

No way. Come on, andy.
Are you into teen scene?

Hey, I'm a teen.

Ok, I'll be one in a
couple of weeks.

What are you gonna
do... Turn me in?

I understand, guy.

You got to check
out these fab pics

Of happening teen idols.

I read it to find out
how teenage girls think.

It gives me an edge.

Will someone please
give me some numbers?

We're working on it.

What I wanted to show
you was this big contest.

Do you all know el debarge?

Yeah. Rhythm of the night.

Good. So there's
no generation gap.

Anyway, teen scene is
doing this big contest

And the winner gets to
sing with el debarge himself.

Isn't that cute?

Now you just send
in those box tops,

And maybe you'll win.

The thing is, I'm not eligible.

They're looking
for female singers.

You girls are female.

Thank you for noticing,

But we're not interested.

Here's a revealing article.

"Your favorite tv stars tell
what they like for breakfast."

How they get people
to open up like that.

I'll take care of the paperwork.

All you have to do is tell
me in 100 words or less

Why you would like
to sing with el debarge.

We wouldn't. That's two words.

Come on, you guys are naturals!

The way you sing in
the car, in the shower.

I have asked you not to hang
around outside the bathroom door.

Let me go over this again.

Why do you want us
to enter this contest?

Because I'm a big
el debarge fan.

If you won, I'd get to meet him.

I think we'd hit it off,

You know, and maybe
start hanging out together.

Oh, sure. You and el rapping.

He could tell you about
playing shea stadium,

You could tell him what
happened in math today.

Fine. Anybody else
want to take a sh*t?

Andy, andy, forget
about el debarge.

I've been there. I used to
idolize jermaine jackson.

I was dying to meet him.

Finally, one day
I got my chance.

Do you see us hanging out?

Does he ever write, call,

Work my name into
one of his songs?

There's an interview here with
the guy who makes cher's wigs.

So you're saying you're not
gonna enter the contest?

We're way past the point of
getting excited about things like that.

Even tootie's dropped
out of her fan clubs.

It was time.

It's all part of that crazy
process called growing up.

Here we go.

"10 Things don johnson

Looks for in a woman."

Please... Like what?

Access code, bla.

Field code, d-11.

Item code, b-82.

Amount in stock, 12.

Very good, blair.

This is the only machine I've
ever been able to relate to.

Well, except for
the automated teller.

Mrs. G, you left your room.

I needed a break.
Change of scenery.

Got to go.

I can't.

Oh, come on, mrs.
G. Hang in there.

Russian writers
use so many words.

Can't anyone just say hi?

I'm not going to make it.

Yes, you are.

And do you kno why?
Because you're edna garrett.

Edna, edna, edna,
edna, edna, edna.

Edna's a student.
She loves to learn.

Now I want to see
you get fired up.

There's paper in your notebook,

And you're going to fill
it with your brilliance.

Edna. Edna. Edna.

Now I want you to
go back to that desk.

Who am i?

Who are you?

Edna! Edna! Edna! Edna!

Right!

Oh, brother.

We worked, we
slaved, we sweated,

And guess what? We
made it to the semifinals!

Semifinals?

El debarge.

What, not that contest?

Yeah. The one we didn't enter?

Isn't that sort of unusual

To get into the semifinals of
a contest we haven't entered?

Ok, before you get
mad, listen to what I did.

I took one of el debarge's albums and
wrote the essay in fluorescent lipstick

And had it hand-delivered
by an exotic dancer.

As long as it was tasteful.

Our names were on that?

Hey, it got the
judge's attention.

I think andy showed initiative.

I thought you didn't
care about this contest.

That was before we
were in the semifinals.

What do you think
our chances are?

There's only 100
other semifinalists.

We've got a sh*t.

Your next step is
making a demo tape.

We are not gonna
make a demo tape.

Maybe we should. Not you, too?

Well, they've already
seen that gaudy entry.

It's not like we're
gonna lose our dignity.

And it's an experience,
once in a lifetime,

We didn't go looking for it,
but as long as it fell in our laps.

We've got a
business to run here.

We're businesswomen, and
I am going to do business.

Now what's wrong with this?

Why'd the screen go blank?

Static electricity.

You didn't ground yourself
before you touched the computer.

I didn't ground myself.

How could I let a thing
like that get by me?

What a dunderhead!

Jo, I gave you a
whole lesson on it!

She did. "Static electricity.

The enemy that lurks inside us."

You know, jo, I would
take that as a sign.

Maybe the god of
rock 'n' roll has spoken,

He's calling to us, he wants
us to do this demo tape.

How about singing
something by springsteen?

Nah. Can't do it justice
unless you're from jersey.

You should sing something sexy.

A song with a lot
of moaning in it.

This contest is sponsored
by a teen magazine.

I don't think
they're into moaning.

Then could you
just sing it for me?

You know, I think we're
going about this all wrong.

We should write
our own song like...

♪ We love you, el debarge ♪

♪ We think you're the greatest ♪

♪ We love teen scene ♪

♪ You're the greatest, too ♪

♪ We love this contest ♪

♪ We think it's fantastic ♪

♪ To sum it up ♪

♪ We love el
debarge, teen scene ♪

♪ And this contest, too ♪♪

Hard to believe that came
right off the top of your head.

We don't want to go typical.

Come on, mrs. Garrett, we
need a song for the contest.

Toss us a hit.

Born in the u.s.s.r.

Let's try singing
a song at random.

♪ My boyfriend's back ♪

Yeah. Good lyrics. Catchy tune.

It's a classic.

I love that song!

♪ My boyfriend's back ♪

♪ And you're going
to be in trouble ♪

♪ Hey la, hey la ♪

♪ My boyfriend's back ♪♪

Blair, if you love that song,

Why are you doing that to it?

Doing what?

Singing it like julie andrews.

You got to put a little
more street into it.

Street?

A nice clean street.

♪ Mah boyfriend's... ♪

♪ Mah boy... ♪

♪ Mah, mah, mah boyfriend ♪

Go, blair!

♪ My boyfriend's back ♪

♪ He's going to
save my reputation ♪

♪ Hey la, hey la, my
boyfriend's back ♪

♪ If I were you ♪

♪ I'd take a
permanent vacation ♪

♪ Hey la, hey la, my
boyfriend's back ♪♪

T minus five and counting.

Add a case of plastic lips.

Now why didn't that take?

We have a malfunction.
Warning, warning.

Because you didn't
hit the enter button.

And there it is.

We have liftoff.

Hi, guys.

What have you got there, andy?

Oh, this? Seems to be
some sort of letter.

Who's it from?

It could be from anyone...

The phone company, my
aunt mildred in phoenix,

Teen scene magazine.

Is that from teen scene?

Maybe... Why don't we take a
look at the return address.

"Dear teen scene fans,

"Fab news. You've just
made it to the finals

Of the el debarge contest."

We're going to new york city!

Didn't you say something to
me about this contest being...

Uh... Juvenile?

Yeah. He's right.

We are acting a
little silly here.

Now, that's better.

Guess what.

I just finished my
last term paper.

Oh, well, thank you.

Ok, come on out.
Natural, natural.

You're entering a
recording studio.

Feel it.

Come on, girls, the
sh*t's getting static.

Can you feel the b*at?

Sway to the pulse of the city.

You filmed us on the
train and in the cab.

I need to run out of film
so I can go to the bathroom.

I know what I'm doing.
It's like u.s.a. For africa.

The video behind the record.

All right, I cased the place,

And there's a lot of
lightweight talent out there.

You girls got nothing
to worry about...

Except maybe for them.

They're from detroit.

Oh, no. Motown.

Well, maybe they'll blow
it during the interview.

What interview?

That's part of the competition.

Didn't I tell you?

I guess I didn't want
to make you nervous.

So why are you telling us now?

Because you're up next.

Hey, come on.

Don't worry. Just be yourselves.

You're different.

You're unique.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

None of you ever posed
for penthouse, did you?

I was just checking.
I'll be right back.

I'll go sh**t the competition.

That's the only
way we'll b*at them.

Well, we're wholesome.

Right. We're wholesome!

And that's very
refreshing in this business.

We travel around
performing at state fairs.

We even have a
newsletter we send

To the many wonderful
people we've met along the way.

It's called what we're up to,

And it tells, well...
What we're up to.

Well, wholesome's taken.

Let's try another approach.

Is there a cigarette
machine around here?

You shouldn't smoke. That's
not good for your voice.

We didn't see one.

Don't you work here?

No. We're auditioning.

Auditioning?

Right.

Oh, you're serious?

They're serious!

Did you hear that
cheap sh*t, natalie?

That was a cheap sh*t!

Relax. They're just
trying to psych us out.

Girls, you're next.

Come on.

Good luck! Thanks.

Hi. Barry egan,
teen scene magazine.

You probably recognize my name.

Before I made the
jump into journalism,

I was known as
america's favorite d.j.

Never heard of you.

My parents couldn't
afford a radio.

I was also known
as the sixth beatle.

And deservedly so.

Thank you. But enough about moi.

You want to sing with
el debarge. Tell me why.

In our own words?

I don't think we'll
be able to top

What we wrote in
fluorescent lipstick.

The reason we want
to sing with el debarge

Is that music brings
people closer together.

It's a common language
the whole world shares.

By singing, we hope to
become part of something

That's larger than ourselves.

Perhaps in the process realize
people are the same all over.

That's beautiful.

I bet you were
born at woodstock.

Well, in a way, weren't we all?

May I have your attention?

You were beautiful.
And I mean that.

Straight from the old pumper.

But we must narrow the
groups down to three.

And they are cardiac arrest...

Commotion...

And sexy lingerie.

All right!

We lost, andy.

No, we didn't.

He can't face reality.

You're sexy lingerie.

That's what I named you.

Oh, say you didn't.

Yes. I was going
against the image.

It's humiliating...
We're in the finals.

And yet it works.

I am not going to be
known as sexy lingerie.

I don't know. Something
about it appeals to me.

Don't break out the
champagne just yet, kiddies.

We're gonna blow you away.

Oh, sure!

Good comeback, tootie.

Teen scene would like to
thank you all for entering.

To those who didn't make
it to the finals, remember,

There are no losers
in a sea of winners.

Congratulations.
I'm so happy for you.

Oh, thanks.

Listen, sorry things
didn't work out.

How can you say that? We've
had the time of our lives.

We got the chance to
come to new york city,

We saw the inside of an
actual recording studio,

And we've made new friends
we'll have the rest of our lives.

Great! I'm sure we'll
get your newsletter.

Why are we smiling?

You're one brave little lady,

But down inside, I
know you're hurting.

Walk with me.

Well, this is it,
kids, the last mile.

What we're going to do
now is bring you in the studio

And let you make music.

When el debarge arrives,

He's gonna listen to the
tracks and choose the winner.

Commotion, you're up first.

Have that bus fare
ready for the ride home.

Take the high road, tootie.

Did you get anywhere?

I'm on their mailing list.

Sexy lingerie, you're up next.

Hey, come on, don't let
those girls get you nervous.

Come here, come here. This
confidence thing, see, is just an act.

When the pressure's on,

They're gonna fall apart.

Should be happening
any minute now.

We need some
choreography of our own.

Oh, sure. They've been working
on their moves for years.

We should be able to come up with
something in a couple of minutes.

They never sound
as good as they look.

♪ Ahh ♪

Would you girls relax?

Your rhythm was just
a little off, that's all.

We were terrible.

They have machines
to correct the flaws.

They have filters.
They'll just do filtering.

Do they have a filter to take out tootie
burping all the way through the song?

The girl drinks a root
beer right before we go on.

Shall we talk
about your singing?

You couldn't hit a
note with a howitzer.

Hey, come on!
Cool the bickering!

Let's keep the g in group, ok?

May I have your
attention, please.

I have an announcement to make.

Cardiac arrest will not
compete in the final sing-off.

They've broken up over
artistic differences.

Sexy lingerie and commotion.

And I've just got word that el
debarge is on his way to the studio,

So sit tight and stay mellow.

So what do you think
our chances are?

That depends. What are
the chances of commotion

Getting hit by a semi in
the next few minutes?

You know, I had this little
fantasy that we'd win this contest.

You know, create a sound,
catch on, make money...

Suddenly we'd become obnoxious.

Oh, that would have been great.

Well, no matter what happens,
we did have a lot of fun.

We did get to meet
the sixth beatle,

We did see the inside of
an actual recording studio,

And we did make a lot of friends

That we'll have for
the rest of our lives.

I hated everyone here.

Me, too.

Watch it!

You're el debarge.

Sorry about the
door. My knee locked,

Love your hair.

El debarge, barry egan,
teen scene magazine.

We are so gassed you're
doing this "sing with me" thing.

My pleasure.

Andrew moffet, teenager.

What it is.

These are the finalists.

Sexy lingerie and commotion.

El debarge, is it all right
if I call you el debarge?

Sure. That's my name.

Well, he is just a regular guy.

I know you guys are all
anxious to get this over with.

I'm sure it's been a
long day for you.

But it's been well
worth the wait.

That is so unethical.

Don't I know you from somewhere?

Why didn't I think of it?

Yeah. Weren't you in a group?

You used to sing at the
cellar door in detroit.

How you doing?

A professional!

Wait a minute. Did you
receive money to perform?

Couple of bucks.

My mother was sick.

The entry form said
specifically amateurs only.

This is not in the
spirit of the contest.

I'm chagrined.

I'm afraid she's forced
a disqualification,

Hasn't she, barry?

I'm sorry.

And don't ever give
me "my mother was sick."

That went out
with lawrence welk.

Looks like it's you
and me, sexy lingerie.

I came up with the name.

I'll just take a few minutes
to show you the backup charts.

Like your style, kid.

He likes my style.

Three, two, one...

♪ On the street ♪

♪ And everywhere ♪

♪ You're turning heads ♪

♪ You've got that nice effect ♪

♪ You just smile ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ And walk on through ♪

♪ O-woah ♪

♪ You've got that
personality, baby ♪

♪ And it sure
looks good on you ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Not the ordinary ♪

♪ Anything you wear
looks good on you ♪

♪ Especially ♪

♪ Nothing I can tell you ♪

♪ You haven't already heard ♪

♪ A half a million times ♪

♪ But still I'd like to say ♪

♪ You wear it well ♪

♪ Ooh sha la ♪

♪ You wear it well,
you wear it well ♪

♪ Woo ♪
♪ woo ♪

♪ You wear it well ♪

♪ Come near me ♪

♪ You wear it well,
you wear it well ♪

♪ You take my breath away ♪

♪ You wear it... Well ♪

♪ Ooh sha la ♪

♪ You wear it well,
you wear it well ♪

♪ Oh yeah, baby ♪

♪ You wear it well ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ You wear it well,
you wear it well ♪

♪ Woo ♪

♪ You wear it well ♪

♪ You wear it well,
you wear it well ♪

♪ Get along with your bad self ♪

♪ Not the ordinary ♪

♪ Anything you wear
looks good on you ♪

♪ Especially ♪

♪ Nothing I can tell you ♪

♪ You haven't already heard ♪

♪ A half a million times ♪

♪ But still I'd like to say ♪

♪ You wear it well ♪

♪ Ooh sha la ♪

♪ You wear it well,
you wear it well ♪

♪ Woo ♪
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