07x22 - Big Time Charlie

[bunniefuu]

♪ You take the good,
you take the bad ♪

♪ You take 'em both,
and there you have ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ There's a time you
gotta go and show ♪

♪ You're growin',
now you know about ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be livin' up
to your dreams ♪

♪ Then suddenly
you're findin' out ♪

♪ The facts of
life are all about ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ All about you ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ All about you ♪

♪ It takes a lot
to get 'em right ♪

♪ When you're learnin'
the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪♪

Captioning made possible by embassy
television and 1985 nci caption club

Somebody have a baby
and not tell me about it?

They're from my dad.

When did they get here?

2:00, 2:40, And 3:15.

What are they for?

Blair im getting worried natalie
should've been here by now.

Just a minute tootie. Jo?

I don't know he's
said's he's got some big

News and he's coming
up here to tell me about.

Uh-huh.

All right, tootie.

Okay her airplane from
miami takes two hours.

The bus ride from the
airport takes another hour.

So she should have been
here seven minutes ago.

No, jo's story's
more interesting.

But she borrowed
my brand-new camera.

So she also she
borrowed my suitcase.

But I'll give her at
least ten minutes

Before calling the police.

Hey.

You're back. We were frantic.

Did someone die and
not tell me about it?

Where's my camera?

Fine, tootie. And how are you?

Did you have a
good time in miami?

What a wedding.

A rabbi for his parents,
a priest for her parents,

And justice of the peace
for the bride and groom.

This couple is married!

I lend you my brand new camera,

Which I myself
have not even used.

And you lose it in miami.

Tootie camera not
lost, not broken.

Camera in bag, no problem.

Mmm... Yes, there is.

Now don't you start I
took prefect care of your

One-of-a-kind suitcase
and not a scratch on it.

Neither is my
one-of-a-kind name tag?

I took it off.

Why?

Who needs a name tag
a one-0f-a-kind suitcase?

Okay I wanted everybody
to think it was mine.

I still have the tag.

And I supsupposeose you let everyone
believe my camera was yours too?

No tootie I told everybody I
saw it was tootie ramsey's camera.

The mayor of miami knows
it, the dolphins know it.

Your camera's a
legend in dade county.

Well may I have it please?

Here why don't you take it out.

I don't think I couldn't
live with myself

If I accidently
dislocated your f-stop.

It's not in here.

What?

These aren't my things.

Are you sure?

Pretty sure, yeah.

Would you mind explaining why

Are there men's
shorts in my bag?

It's obviously, either
that's not the same bag,

Or natalie made a new friend.

I thought you said it
was unique one-of-a-kind

No other bag like it
in the whole world.

I was wrong.

Relax just call the airline tell
them your claim ticket number

And they'll straighten
the whole thing out.

I threw the ticket away.

[Doorbell]

It's about time.

Well that's just brilliant now
I'll never see my camera again.

Don't get hysterical tootie.

We'll find it.

Or you'll buy me a new one.

Jo!

Dad!

Isn't that a sweet moment?

Sure is. If I had my
camera, I'd take a picture.

Hi, girls.

Hi. Hey.

Look at you. New suit?

Yeah. Take a look.

"Dry clean only."

Keep reading.

Dad there's no
polyester in this suit.

Pretty impressive, huh?

Take a look at the watch.

This is a rolex.

So is this one.

Wait a minute dad.

Two gold watches, designer suit.

Please don't take
this the wrong way,

But do you need bail money?

Hey, nice looking flowers.

Expensive looking.

Who sent them?

I did.

What a guy.

All right, enough.

Talk.

You ready for this?

I am rich.

You're what?

I'm rich.

You're what?

He's rich.

The man's rich.

Pay attention.

Not filthy rich like
your dad blair but im rich.

Oh hey no offense
about the "filthy."

Rolls off our backs.

Wait a minute I talked to you last
week you didn't mention a word of this.

What you won a few
bucks at blackjack, right?

No.

I won 300,000 bucks

In one of those magazine
publisher's giveaways.

You're kidding.

Nobody ever wins those things.

That's what I used to think.

When did all this happen?

Last week.

I went to my mail box I opened
it up, and now I'm a tycoon.

Did anybody check
the mail today?

I think I'll sit down I better
sit down, I need to sit down.

Dad why didn't you call
and tell me about this?

I wanted to tell you in person,

I wanted to see your face.

Look at that face, and I'm gonna
see a lot more of that face.

Now that I quit my job.

Quit your job?

I'm sitting again.

It was great I walked
into my boss's office,

I showed him the
check, and said, "aloha."

Now I'm my own boss.

And I got $300,000
working for me.

[Beep]

What's that?

I'll get it.

Polniaczek.

Yeah. Are they good?

Buy them.

Get back to me.

Boy I love these gadgets!

When you've got money, huh?

What did you just buy?

Futures.

I'd explain, but it's a
little complicated.

He buys the right to purchase
shares of stock at a future date.

Figuring in a sharp
rise in the stocks price.

You see, jo, it's
really quite simple.

You know they always say it
takes money to make money.

Well I never had any money
so how could I have money.

Now I've got money,
so I can get money.

Jo, you alright?

Alright dad how
could I be alright?

You walk in here you
tell me you got $300,000?

You beast.

Look well let it
sink in over dinner.

Everybody change because I wanna
take you out to some place classy.

Uh, my good clothes
are in the other suitcase.

How about pizza?

You got it. Let's go eat.

You can wait a minute there
gotta be where's the catch?

You're sure you didn't
win 300,000 magazines?

Thanks for dinner
charlie it was great.

Hey that wasn't
dinner that was pizza.

I'll get a rain check so I can take
you all out to someplace fancy.

Blair, you pick it out.

Someplace with foreign
words in the name.

Any particular language?

Someplace with du jour things.

Dad are you sure your
getting all this money at once?

There she goes again.

Well, he could be
getting $1,000 a year

For 300 years.

Jo, they gave him lots of money

All at once.

You'll just have to
learn to live with it.

Come on, guys.

Hey you think things are
gonna change around here?

Oh yes tootie. Now that joe has money
we don't have to be as nice to blair.

Hey jo I got a little
surprise for you.

What is it?

It's a present.

Oh come on dad just
'cause you it rich,

Doesn't mean you have to
go out and buy me things.

Unless it's this.

Top of the line,
graphite construction,

It even got a stereo in it.

And wind guard defroster.

Dad this is nicer than my bike.

Well we can't have that im gonna
have to go out and buy you a new bike.

Oh, no, no.

How many cylinders?

Pick a number.

No no, forget it.

Maybe on my birthday,

Which, incidentally,
is next month.

Listen are you sure
happy at langley?

Because now I can send you to europe
and you can get a real classy education.

Why dont you just buy
europe, and ship it here.

That way I don't
have to get any sh*ts.

Now you're talking.

Say friday, you busy?

Well I can check my calendar.

Where we going, rio?

No, new york.

I got my eye on an office
and I want you to check it out.

You get an office
already, for what?

I have money now.

I've got all kinds of people
calling me about investments.

I mean you gotta be
somewhere when they call ya.

It's a full-time job.

So what do you say if you like the place,
we'll go out and rent furniture for it.

Dad... Rent? Rent?
What am I saying?

We don't rent, we buy.

And after we buy furniture we'll
buy a car, and drive to the knicks game.

Back up here we got
an office, furniture...

You're gonna buy a car?

Why not? I need a new one. I've been
driving the chevy for eight years now.

Oh yeah I guess, you
got the car phone.

You should have a
car to put around it.

Not a car.

I want a jag.

A jaguar?

Oh, please, please please.

Just one, a little one.

Why not how else will we
get to gonna knicks games?

Great, I'll call for tickets.

Where's my briefcase?

I'll use the car phone.

I'll call from the tunnel.

That way it's not long distance.

But then hey what do I care?

Dad, thanks for the helmet.

Just enjoy it.

Oh, listen.

In case you need
to get a hold of me

There's the number
of my briefcase.

No, last thursday.

No I took the name tag off.

No I threw the
claim ticket away.

No, it isn't much to go on.

No, I don't expect you
to be able to do anything.

They still can't
find the suitcase.

Well did they find my camera?

I didn't even think to ask.

Hey, guys.

Your back.

Alright what did you buy?

Half of macy's.

The other half
wasn't in my size.

What's the occasion it
looks like your birthday.

More like my last 12.

My dad spent the entire
afternoon making up

For everything he
couldn't give me before.

Would he like another daughter.

Oh jo I have an
sweater just like this.

Yeah but do you
have it in green?

Or yellow?

Red, blue, orange?

The saleslady made the mistake of
telling him I looked good in everything.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

I mean, it's a sales ploy,

An honest sales ploy.

He's just going overboard.

I hope it stops here.

Why? You still need skirts.

Would you look at this
the shoes match the purse.

The purses match belts,

The belts match scarves.

Could you die from
over-coordination?

Ask blair.

Your sure for
that sort of thing.

Jo pol-cheez-nee-ak?

Close enough.

Look cheez, it's from your dad.

What a surprise.

What do you think it is?

Expensive.

He didn't.

He did.

Jo, it's beautiful!

It's mink I know.

Every old woman over
60 in my family has one.

I guess that's what you
ware this time of year.

It's what minks wear.

It'll look great with your
new motorcycle helmet.

Wait it says there's
something in the pocket.

"This is for you it
comes from your pop.

It's got four wheels
and a convertible top."

He got me a car, too?

Anne klein sweater,
$150, times 9.

14 Belts.

The man is delirious.

His taste is improving.

Pizza adds exactly... $65.

How can you spend that on pizza?

Don't look at me I didn't
order extra cheese.

Subtotal, well that
isn't too bad so far.

Now for the heavy stuff.

Office furniture, $7,800.

He had to have the
chair that vibrates.

And then there's
his car, $36,000.

One graphite
motorcycle helmet, $300,

And worth every penny.

And then there's my
car, oh and that thing.

What's that worth, about $1,500?

Are you joking?

Look at this.

Perfectly matched female skins.

Well, great.

How do you figure it out,

What do you weigh
it or something?

My mother's went for 25.

25 Hundred.

Thousand, jo.

Keep pushing that decimal
point to the right dear.

I'm pushing, I'm pushing.

I don't believe it.

He's already spent
$120,000 in one week.

That beats my record.

He's down to $180,000.

And don't forget uncle sam
who gets who half of everything.

Taxes. I didn't
think about that.

That doesn't leave a whole lot.

Right and if he plays the market

Like he shops at macy's...

I got to talk to him.

Now folded up in a suitcase
these clothes tell us nothing.

When we put them into context,

We learn much more about
the man who wore them.

He lacks a certain
something, like a head.

Now notice that the elbows of
the sweater are slightly worn.

Indicating to us that he spent a
great deal of time leaning like this

On tables or on bars.

So we should find our man
somewhere near a bar or restaurant.

Well good that pretty much
narrows it down to, um ...earth.

Did you get in
touch with your dad?

I tried his office twice busy.

Did you try his briefcase?

Could you believe his briefcase
has an answering service.

Let me try his office again.

Hey, dad. Listen.

I was doing some
calculations, and...

What?

Yeah, I'll hold on.

Elevator music.

I'd say it was born in the usa.

But there are too many violins.

Aren't you little old
to be playing with dolls.

Now I hardly call this a doll jo it's a
life size composite of a missing person.

We dress it up in guys clothes
and we figure out where he lives.

That's ridiculous.

We're desperate.

This is hardly desperate tootie?
It's standard police procedure.

I'm gonna deduce his
identity from these clues.

What clues?

Well notice that
his wearing a hat.

That could indicate that
he's bald, or it was raining.

Now, where does it rain?

In spain. In spain.

Did you guys think to look
threw his stuff or a business card

Or credit or something
with his name on it.

Jo of course we did we went
everything with a fine-toothed comb.

Uh, just a second here.

Yep there's an address
written on this matchbook.

Oh I don't believe it this
could be anybody's address.

Well it's a start
where is it where is it?

New york city.

Well you better get going.

Wait a minute you dont serious think
I'd go to this strange address alone.

The guy a criminal.

Yeah could be the address where
he dumps the body's of his victims.

And that could be the
suitcase he carries them in.

He's probably a
very nice person.

He wears nice clothes.

So did capone and dillinger.

I'm not walking
into this thing alone.

Oh alright we'll
all go together.

Hey, dad, listen.

What?

I'm on hold again.

Oh this time it's like a virgin
by the vienna boys choir.

Oh forget it I can't get him on the
phone I'm hitching a ride into new york

With you guys tomorrow.

Hey dad.

Jo.

See you're busy.

Hey can always make
time for my daughter.

What happened to all phone
calls I was on hold for?

Oh I had a busy day, so
decided to closed early today.

Hey im glad your here now
we can play a little one-on-one.

Nah. I dont think so I
got the height advantage.

Ah you're just afraid
of my hook sh*t.

Listen dad, I was doing
some calculations.

Hey let me show
you my slam dunk.

You gotta love this one.

Come on, dad.

With the mink, my car, your
car, and the office, 16 phones...

Half of its going to
the government anyway.

What are trying to say joe?

Dad you gotta stop
before it's all gone.

Come on we don't
need any of this stuff.

But I wanted you to have it.

You know I never
got to spoil you.

Yea well keep spoiling me,

And you'll spend
every penny you got.

You're absolutely right.

Good.

I thought I was gonna come
down here you'd be stubborn

And woconvinceuldn't listen and it
would take me all day to convice you.

Why didn't it take me
all day to convince you?

Because I lost it all.

You what?

How?

It's just like you said...

The mink, the car, my
car, the telephones.

I don't believe this.

You got the calculator.

According to my figures,
you had 50,000 left.

You didn't know
about the oranges.

You bought $50,000
worth of oranges?

Dad how much
vitamin c do you need?

I brought a whole
crop that d*ed.

They had a frost in florida.

This time of year its not
suppose to be cold there.

That was exactly my thinking.

Dad why were you buying oranges?

I wanted to be responsible you
know I didn't want to spend it all.

I wanted to invest it.

This was an investment.

Not a good one.

So it's gone.

Where do you sh**t from?

Edge of the desk.

3 Points from the corner.

Jo...

I'm sorry.

For what?

For losing all the money.

I was investing it for you.

Dad I don't need it.

Come on remember we used to brown
bag tuna fish sandwiches in the park?

That was fine. I liked that.

Wouldn't you rather eat uptown?

No I don't have to eat uptown.

I don't even like to eat uptown.

Why?

Because it's not me.

Why didn't you tell me that.

Dad I've been tellin
you that all along.

Why didn't I listen?

Because you're my dad.

You want the best for me.

I love you for that.

Don't talk back to your father.

Hey jo, I'm glad you're
not disappointed.

No of course not.

You still got that mink?

Took it back.

Whew! Good because
I only put 10% down.

Oh.

Keys to the car.

Thanks.

You don't...

You're not getting the
motorcycle helmet back.

[Knock on door]

Come in.

And the moral of the story is

Never ever lend your
one-of-a-kind suitcase to natalie.

If was really
one-of-a-kind it wouldn't

Gotten fumigated

For those just tuning in...

The address was
the guy's friend.

Woman friend luckily for us
he was there and the reason

He was there because his
apartment was being fumigated.

Roaches. Yecch.

That's where are suitcase was

So we went back
he went in and got it

Now my beautiful
suitcase smells like raid.

I can't even get close
enough to get my camera.

Where's the suitcase now?

Out in the hall.

k*lling insects.

It probably has
dead roaches in it.

Hope it doesn't get
into your camera.

Oh I can't stand it
I'm going to get it.

Nice office.

Oh, yeah. Thanks.

I thinking about
giving it up though.

You know I'm not
the 9-to-5 kind of guy.

I dont belong behind the desk.

He lost all the money.

Yeah, that, too.

Natalie!

What?

My camera's not in here.

What are you talking about?

Hey, these aren't my sweaters,

But they are very nice.

Three one-of-a-kind bags?

Hey look here's an
address and phone number?

Forget it, tootie.
They're my size.

♪♪