06x10 - The Witness

[bunniefuu]

♪ Good times ♪

♪ Anytime you meet a payment ♪

♪ Good times ♪
♪ Anytime you need a friend ♪

♪ Good times ♪ ♪ Anytime
you're out from under ♪

♪ Not gettin' hassled
Not gettin' hustled ♪

♪ Keepin' your
head above water ♪

♪ Makin' a wave when you can ♪

♪ Temporary layoffs ♪
♪ Good times ♪

♪ Easy credit rip-offs ♪
♪ Good times ♪

♪ Scratchin' and survivin' ♪
♪ Good times ♪

♪ Hangin' in a chow line ♪
♪ Good times ♪

♪ Ain't we lucky we got 'em ♪

♪ Good times ♪♪

Let's see... Let's see now.

Add a pinch of salt...

and a pinch of pepper...

and two pinches of oregano.

Aw, another pinch won't hurt.

[Chuckles] That does it.
That's Italian, huh, Mom?

That's right, baby.

Anything that gets that many
pinches has got to be Italian.

Hi, Willona. Hi, Penny.
[Willona] Hi, baby.

Ooh, that sure does smell
good. What you cookin'?

Instant chicken cacciatore.

- Instant? How do you do it?
- First I start
with a bucket of chicken.

You can't get more
instant than that.

And then I Italiano it up.

How do you do that, get Frank
Sinatra to punch out the chicken?

Oh, stop.

Let's see. A couple more pinches
of oregano wouldn't hurt, would it?

[Chuckles]

Hey, Willona, where's
Keith and Thelma?

- Are they in there
"cacciatore-ing"?
- Don't be funny.

Keith is looking for a job, and
Thelma's filling in for me at the boutique.

[Sighs]

Speaking of Italian,
here comes Mr. Spaghetti.

Call Walter Cronkite
and get the scoop,

'cause the Ebony
Prince has got the poop.

Keith, Thelma, get on out
of there. Come on out here.

They're not back yet.
What's... Where's Ma? Ma!

You know Ma's out of
town visiting her cousin.

Oh, yeah. What's the scoop?

Well, Willona, I saw
this horrible accident.

J.J., did you look
in the mirror again?

Michael, remember,
you're the youngest.

So any good looks
you inherited...

are my leftovers.

Willona, I saw this horrible
accident between two cars. So what?

Michael, don't you get it? That
makes me the only eyewitness...

The official "judgi frudgi."

- What happened, J.J.?
- Now hold it, J.J.

I don't want Penny hearing
about any vicious, gory accident.

Oh, no, Willona. It
wasn't vicious or gory.

It was one of them
G-rated accidents.

Something the whole
family can enjoy. Oh!

All right, J.J. How
did it happen?

Well, Michael, I was
on Michigan Avenue...

buying some art supplies,

when my eyes espied
out the window...

this lady in this
big, pink Cadillac...

wants to play demolition
derby with this taxicab.

First she put out her
hand to make a right,

then she put out her
hand to make a left.

Then she put out both hands
and went through the red light.

She shouldn't even
be allowed on the road.

Michael, she wasn't on the
road. She was on the sidewalk.

Then she made an illegal
U-turn, came around...

and nailed the cab broadside.

- Did you see who she was?
- Nah, Willona. It was too dark.

Besides, I was too busy
giving my name to the police,

since I'm gonna be the only
non compos mentis witness.

You know, this is gonna cost the
Windy City Cab Company a pretty penny,

if they want my testimony.

J.J., witnesses can't be paid.

Well, this one can.

And give me one
good reason why I can't.

J.J., if you pay
somebody for their

testimony, you could
get them to say anything.

It's unfair,
unreliable, unethical,

and it would totally destroy
our whole legal system.

Michael, stop being picky.

J.J., witnesses do
get reimbursed...

for loss of expenses
and loss of income.

Ah! I wonder how much
I can get reimbursed...

for my loss of expenses
and my loss of income.

J.J., look at it
this way, Brother.

You have no steady job,

your art classes don't
bring you in any income,

therefore, forcing you
to have no expenses.

When I add that together,
you got a net of zero.

Forget about the net.
Just give me the gross.

I'm lookin' at the gross.

Whoo-whee! Gramps, I need
some more oregano for the chicken.

Go to the store for
me? Sure thing, Willona.

Keep the change. All
right. Excuse me, Brother J.

Are you spying again?

I'm not spying,
man. I'm sniffing.

Mm-mmm!

You know, I've had
a complaint about the

strong food smells
coming from this apartment.

Oh, yeah? Who's complaining?

Me. I haven't been offered any.

Well, give your
nose a cold shower.

I haven't got enough chicken
cacciatore for you, honey.

Oh, come on, Ms. Woods.

Ms. Woods, you got enough food in
there to feed the entire Italian Navy.

You got enough fat in
there to sink the Italian Navy.

How about that? Gimme
that wing. Gimme that wing.

No. Well, gimme that drumstick.

No. I need something for
the trip down on the elevator.

Look at that. I'm shakin'.

I got chicken withdrawal.

I guess that's why I saw
you at the Colonel's...

licking fingers
that weren't yours.

Booger, when they bury you,

it's gonna be in that
big bucket in the sky.

No chicken, huh? Aw, come on.

Here. Here's a wing.
Take it and fly away.

Mmm! Mmm, that's delicious.

Needs a little more oregano.

♪ C'e la luna mezzo mare ♪

♪ Mamma mia... ♪♪

That's why Bookman
can't lose no weight.

He eats anything
that's not nailed down.

Yeah. Whenever
he goes out of town,

they have to weigh him
on a truck scale. [Chuckles]

Twice he got charged
for overloading.

Hey, hey, hey.

What's happening in the Little
Black House on the Prairie?

It's Sweet Daddy.

What are you doing here,
you overdressed peacock?

"Peacock"? Woman, please.
These are my mourning clothes.

Sweet Daddy just
came from a funeral.

- Oh, yeah? Whose funeral?
- I don't know
the sucker's name.

It was client 267.

But I do remember that he was
just a little bit late with his payment,

so Sweet Daddy sent him a
nice wreath saying, "R.I.P."

Oh. "Rest In Peace"? No.
"Return Interest and Principal."

Now on to some other business.

Tight-lip Mary told me
your mama is out of town,

so she can't be here to
lay that guilt trip on me.

So, boy, you better behave
while I ask you a few questions,

or else I'm gonna come
down on you like gravy on grits.

Right, boys?

Wait a minute. [Sniffing]

Sweet Daddy smells chicken.

That's unusual,
coming from a turkey.

[Laughing]

Aw, that girl can't resist
me. Get your hands off me.

Girl, let me taste your
chicken. Don't touch my food.

Come on. Just a little
bit. Don't go in my pot.

[Coughing]

Whoo! That's a-spicy.

That chicken done
O.D.'d on oregano.

Whoo!

Well, if I knew you
were gonna come by,

I would have thrown
in a clove of arsenic.

Sweetheart, you don't
have to be so sweet

with me now. Sweet
Daddy's already spoken for.

Yeah, just like that other
dummy... Charlie McCarthy.

What are you doing around here?
We don't owe you any more money.

I know. The magic is gone
from our relationship. Tough.

Hey, Sweets, this can't
be a social visit, can it?

Oh, no? Why not,
J.J.? You mean, it is?

No. Oh. I didn't think so.

But Sweet Daddy is mad,
and I am very offended...

that you don't think of
me as just... plain folk.

Well, Sweets, it's tough to think
of some people as plain folks.

I mean, like, Jack the Ripper,
Attila the Hun, Darth Vader.

Don't you be calling
me no dark waiter, boy.

Hey, wait a minute.
You let go of J.J.!

Ow! Ow!

Oh, my goodness. I sure
hope she didn't dent a diamond.

Penny, Penny,
I'm shocked at you.

Nice young ladies do not go
around kicking other people.

Right on. But a pointy-headed
orangutan is cool with Mama.

Move, g*ons.

Well. Now let's
see. Where was I?

Oh, yes. J.J.

J.J., my man, I've
come over here...

to test the condition of
your baby-brown eyes.

Now I want you to look at this eye
chart, and tell me exactly what you see.

Uh, two rubies, five emeralds...

Oh, wait a minute now. Not that.

Uh, five cute little fingers?

Right. Now watch
this. Abracadabra.

Now you see
this cute little fist?

It's gonna help
you see better. It is?

Sure, 'cause if you don't see
things right, boy, I'm gonna give you...

a root-canal job with your
mouth closed. [Whoops]

Uh, Sweets, I don't understand.
Yes, you know what I mean.

See, someone told me that you
were a witness to an accident...

between a commercial conveyance
and a set of private wheels, huh?

Oh, you mean, when the Caddy made
an illegal U-turn and rammed the taxi?

Oh, wrong-arino,
baby. Wrong-arino.

It looks like J.J.'s
memory needs joggin'.

Well, maybe we ought to take this little,
skinny dude's memory out in the alley...

and run it around
the block a few times.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

I agree. [Chuckling] Now come
here, J.J. Let me ask you something.

Are you familiar with
the moon of my delight...

I mean, the pearl
that is beyond price,

the queen of the ghetto,
Miss Savannah Morgan?

Oh, yeah. Savannah
Morgan. Yes, I am.

Mm-hmm. Are you
aware that today...

is the anniversary of her birth?

Oh, well, in that case, I'll run
right out and get her a card.

That will not be
necessary, J.J.,

'cause Sweet Daddy has
already taken care of that.

Now, I'm gonna give you
one guess what I got her.

A big, pink hog? [Laughs]

Movin' along.
Movin' right along.

Now, can you tell me where that
big, pink hog was about an hour ago?

On Michigan Avenue? Whoo!

The boy is so
good. He is so good.

Now, J.J., me and you are gonna
play a game, like Let's Make a Deal...

But you ain't gonna get
nothin', you understand?

What you are gonna have...

You'll be able to keep
a few valuable items,

like, uh, your nose on straight,

all your teeth and other
vital parts of your anatomy.

- You dig me?
- My total attitude
is "digness," Sweets.

All right. Now let's take this accident
report one more time from the top.

All right? And I'll reserve
the right to just jump in...

and punch up the story...
Or you... when necessary.

Hmm? Start.

Well, this big, pink Cadillac...

was wheeling down
Michigan Avenue...

driven by one "the
pearl of your delight,"

Miss Savannah
Morgan... Go on, man.

Driving at a moderate speed,

observing all the current
and future traffic laws.

When suddenly, out of the night,

a reckless taxi
broadsided the Cadillac,

leaving Miss Savannah
Morgan clear of all charges...

current and future.

Mm-hmm.

I'll buy that. Y'all
buy that, fellas?

All right, soul brother.

Now you get to keep your teeth.

One more thing, J.J.
Just one more thing.

If anybody comes
around interested...

Like the police or the
insurance company...

That is gonna be the
story that you tell 'em, right?

Hey, but, Sweets,
that ain't right.

I mean, you're putting
words in my mouth.

J.J., let me tell you something.
It's either that or knuckles.

Hey, hey, hey. If it
ain't the legal beagle.

What's happening, Michael?
You still trying to pass the bar?

Yeah, and when I do pass the
bar, first thing I'm gonna do...

is put you and your
hoods behind bars.

I think you're gonna like
Leavenworth in the springtime.

Yeah, it is quite lovely.
Very lovely. Ciao, brother.

Little jive turkey.

J.J., what did he want?

Michael, isn't it possible Sweet Daddy
could just stop by for a social discussion?

J.J., the only thing Sweet Daddy wants
to discuss is your money or your life.

Michael, let me explain something
to you, slowly and carefully.

Butt out.

Keith, what happened
to your arm, man?

Oh, just a little accident.
Yeah. Would you believe it?

His first day driving a cab.

Yeah. The cab company thinks
I'm responsible for the accident.

My arm won't be the only
part of me that's in a sling.

Keith, what cab
company do you work for?

- Windy City Cab Company.
- The Windy City Cab Company?

- Keith, where did
the accident occur?
- On Michigan Avenue.

I was driving through this
intersection when suddenly,

out of left field, you'll
never guess what happened.

- I get broadsided.
- By a big, pink Cadillac?

Yeah. Now, how did he know?

Just a lucky guess.

Willona, I can't believe it. J.J. saw
the whole accident. Oh, that's great.

Man, you can save my job. I
didn't even know I had a witness.

- J.J. said that it was all
the other driver's fault.
- Well, he's dead right.

Uh, do you have to use
a term like "dead right"?

Keith, I'm glad to hear you're
in the clear. Thank goodness.

Hey, wait a minute. Keith
and J.J., since y'all related,

the court is gonna get suspicious,
so you better not let it sound...

like you put your heads
together to come up with a story.

- Keith, what are you gonna say?
- That I was broadsided
by this big, pink car.

And, J.J., you just better
not use the same words.

No. I'll say, "This taxi
broadsided this big, pink Cadillac."

That way they won't think
we put our heads together.

Are you crazy? He must be.

J.J., I'm beginning to
suspect you don't have a head.

Your neck is just
blowing a bubble.

Keith, Keith.

J.J., look. Why are you
suddenly acting so dumb?

Five minutes ago, you said it
was clearly the woman's fault.

Well, I don't know, Willona. I
haven't been seeing that well lately.

You know, I have been
getting kind of nearsighted.

I don't know what it is. You
know what I mean, Thelma?

[Chuckles] Nice try, fool.

See, I know what
your problem is, J.J.

See, you were an incubator baby,
and they turned the heat up to broil.

If you don't testify for him
he's gonna lose his job,

and it's gonna go
down on his record.

Come on now. Don't worry. There's
plenty of other cab companies.

Keith'll get another job.

Oh, you know something?
You are a real rat...

A real double-crossing snake.

[Chuckles] Well, at
least I got two friends left.

[Chuckles] J.J., not only
are you a rat and a snake,

but you can't count, Brother.

Willona? You're
battin' zero, honey.

Now why are you changing
your story, J.J.? Why?

Oh, come on, Willona.
Get off of my case.

I mean, it actually could
have been Keith's fault...

as well as Savannah's.

- J.J., did you say "Savannah"?
- Uh, I said, "Havana."

[Laughs] Like in "cigar."

Oh, no, you didn't, turkey.

I heard you. You
said "Savannah."

Why would I say
"Savannah"? That's in Georgia.

They don't make cigars there.

J.J., stop stalling.

Everybody knows that Sweet
Daddy's main lady is Savannah Morgan.

She was driving that
Cadillac, wasn't she?

So you changed your mind because
Sweet Daddy threatened you, right?

Sweet Daddy
thr*aten me? [Laughs]

Nobody threatens me.

'Cause see, I float like a
butterfly, sting like a bee.

And if you don't tell it right,
you gonna have to answer to me.

Aw, come on, J.J.
Don't be frightened, man.

Sweet Daddy's gonna protect you.

All you got to do is
say the right thing...

when the man from
the insurance company...

comes here to take your
testimony. What man?

- Evans residence?
- That man.

I'm Mr. Miller. I represent the Windy
City Cab Company. My stenographer.

Pleased to meet you, man.
Why don't you have a seat?

And here, sweetheart, let
Sweet Daddy take this for you.

Who is James Evans Jr.?

He is.

Now, let's get on with all
of this accident testimony...

while it's still fresh
in my man's mind.

What are you doing here,
you demented rainbow?

Boy, you out of order.

Sergeants at arms, come over here
and subdue this loudmouth with a fat lip.

Wait a minute now. Intimidating
a witness is a criminal offense.

Aw, shucks. Go
ahead, fellas. Back off.

Mr. Miller, you may proceed.

Thank you.

As you know, this deposition is a
statement under oath to be used in court.

- Perjury...
- That's right, J.J.

Perjury is punishable
by one to five years in jail,

with a fine not
to exceed $5,000.

- Very good.
- Thank you.

Mr. James Evans Jr.,
please come forward.

Oh! I just remembered...
I'm double parked.

Come here, boy.
You ain't got no car.

Oh, my God! They
must've towed it.

Mr. Evans, this won't take long.

One to five years
in the slammer.

Or one to five years in
a coma. Get over there.

Kindly raise your right hand.

The other right hand.

Oh. It seems to be asleep.

Yo, J.J.!

Do you swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth, so help you God?

Uh, yes.

Well, it was a cold
and rainy night.

The wind was whistling,

the dogs were howling,

and the rain was
pitter-pattering wet.

And all of a sudden...

Yes, yes. Now,
please, Mr. Evans.

Just the facts of the
accident you witnessed...

involving Mr. Keith Anderson...

and a Miss, uh, Savannah Morgan.

Savannah Morgan?

She was driving the car?

Oh, uh-huh. Now I
see why you're here.

Keith, do you see?
Savannah Morgan is his lady.

That's how they got J.J. to
change his story. Oh, now I see.

[Clears Throat] Excuse me. Can I
speak to the witness for a second?

Now look, J.J. I've been
easy on you one time.

Don't expect Sweet
Daddy to go through...

no type of rerun of my
humble act, you understand?

Now, if you don't
say the right thing,

I'm gonna come down on
you three different ways...

Long, hard, brother,
and frequent.

Mr. Miller, you may
reiterate the last question.

Mr. Evans, are you ready
to make a statement?

Yes, he is. [Clears Throat]

Well, this big, pink Caddy...

driven by one Miss
Savannah Morgan,

was wheeling down
Michigan Avenue.

On the night in question,
she was driving so bad,

it would set the National
Safety Council back 20 years.

It was all Savannah's fault.

- [Thelma] All right!
- [Sweet Daddy] Wait, wait, wait.

Wait just a minute. Is that all
you're gonna say to the man?

Er, uh... uh,

I just regret that I have but
one body to give for my family.

- Right on. Right on.
- Well, it's a skinny body,
brother...

Very skinny... But
it's gonna have to do.

My goodness. Two
funerals in the same week.

Fellas, let's get this sucker.

So there you are, you penny-pinching,
money-grabbing muck worm!

- Savannah, baby.
- Cheap, lyin',
two-faced tightwad.

Well, honey, your lips are moving,
but you aren't saying anything.

Well, then sample this,
dum-dum. We are finished.

But, baby, what did I do?

How dare you buy me a
secondhand car for my birthday?

Uh-uh. That chariot I got
you was top of the line.

What line? A clothes line?

The man at the garage... He told
me that that car had a rebuilt engine.

It had a bent frame and
three of the tires are recaps!

Honey, can't we
discuss this another time?

No, we can't discuss
it no other time.

I'm glad I hit that taxi, or I never
would have found out about all of this.

Uh, would you
mind repeating that?

I said, I never would have found out
about all of this. I mean, the first part.

I said, uh...

Oh, yeah. I'm
glad I hit that taxi.

That poor, little, old
innocent taxi? Yeah, innocent.

- [Savannah] Thanks, sweetie.
- Savannah, you are getting us
in a lot of trouble...

with that big, flapping
mouth of yours.

[Chuckles] Well, you can stop
worrying about that, sucker,

'cause now I'm taking
up with Big Elroy Mitchell,

who promised me a
genuine 1979 Maserati...

right off the showroom floor.

And this time I'm
getting the bill of sale.

So long, uh, Mr. Slick.

Get out of my way.

Did you see that?
Honey, did you see that?

Come on now! Don't be
doin' that. Wait a sec...

Don't be doin' that.
Miss? Is that still on?

Good. Well, take this down. First of all,
Savannah Morgan never had no license.

The woman's blind in one
eye and can't see out the other.

Also, she got more tickets than
a Chinese laundry. You got that?

[Chattering]

[No Audible Dialogue]

[No Audible Dialogue]

♪♪ [Piano]

♪♪ [Humming]

♪ Just lookin' out
of the window ♪

♪ Watchin' the asphalt grow ♪

♪ Thinkin' how it all
looks hand-me-down ♪

♪ Good times Good times ♪

♪♪ [Continues] Good Times is
videotaped before a studio audience.

♪ Making a wave when you can ♪

♪ Temporary layoffs ♪
♪ Good times ♪♪