06x23 - The Evans' Dilemma

[bunniefuu]

♪ Good times ♪

♪ Anytime you meet a payment ♪

♪ Good times ♪
♪ Anytime you need a friend ♪

♪ Good times ♪ ♪ Anytime
you're out from under ♪

♪ Not gettin' hassled
Not gettin' hustled ♪

♪ Keepin' your
head above water ♪

♪ Makin' a wave when you can ♪

♪ Temporary layoffs ♪
♪ Good times ♪

♪ Easy credit rip-offs ♪
♪ Good times ♪

♪ Scratchin' and survivin' ♪
♪ Good times ♪

♪ Hangin' in a chow line ♪
♪ Good times ♪

♪ Ain't we lucky we got 'em ♪

♪ Good times ♪♪

Mmm! Thelma, these
pancakes are good!

Girl, you sure you
made 'em? Mmm! Sure.

Yeah, Thelma. These
pancakes are really good.

Next time, try to remember
what you did wrong.

I've just had more time to practice
since Ma's been away visiting.

Boy, before when you
used to make pancakes,

they were so bad, Aunt Jemima
put a blindfold over her eyes.

Who wouldn't if they had to
look at you every morning?

Well, the score now stands
J.J. one, Thelma eleventy-seven.

And besides, Keith loves pancakes.
Maybe this will cheer him up.

Yeah, Thelma. You know, your
husband's been pretty down lately.

As a matter of fact, last night he went to
sleep on the Miss Black Universe Pageant.

Hmm. That's not
down. That's deceased.

Come on now. Try
to understand Keith.

He's been working hard lately.

I mean, driving
that cab part time,

and then spending his
days off job hunting with you,

Mr. Hard-core
Unemployment of the Year.

- Hello, Keith.
- Hey, brother-in-law, why don't
you cop a squat, man?

The food is edible for a change.

Hmm. Don't feed him
pancakes. Throw him raw meat.

- I'm not hungry.
- Oh, come on, Keith.

You have to eat
something. Now, you...

Oh, later? Okay, you
can eat later, right?

He's gonna eat later.

Oh. Well, Thelma, that's
enough pancakes for me. I'm full.

I tell you. Them pancakes
go right to my hips.

And then they evaporate.

Well, hey, Keith,
I feel lucky today.

Boy, the first stop
we're gonna make to...

is that little
accounting agency.

You know, where they have
that foxy, little personnel director...

with no liabilities
and plenty of assets.

How you feeling,
Keith? I feel lucky.

I had a dream last night
that she hired both of us.

Boy, I know something's
gonna happen today.

- I can't wait
to hit them streets.
- I'm not going.

- Say what?
- Try and read my lips,
totem pole.

I said I'm not going.

Oh, Keith, why not? Yeah, man. It's
better than sitting around here all day.

Look, every day off for
the past three weeks,

I've been out looking
for a job, right?

And all I got to show for it
are tired feet, scuffed shoes...

and enough uncut
jive to sell it wholesale.

Keith, I know it's tough,
man, but they say the

unemployment rate in
the ghetto is over 50%.

Yeah, and the other 50%
are out looking for work.

The answer is through education.

Speaking of that, I better hurry up
before I'm late. Later, y'all. See ya.

You might as well be late. You ain't
gonna find no job when you graduate anyway.

Well, maybe not, but at least I'll
know how to read the want ads, brother.

Hey, Keith, I don't know what
you're feeling so down about.

At least you did
get one job offer.

Oh, Keith, you got a job offer?

J.J., I told you not
to bring that up.

Man, I swear, if your
mouth was any bigger,

you'd swallow your own head.

- Come on, Keith. Tell me about it.
- All right.

They wanted me
to go door to door...

selling Howard
Cosell piggy banks.

- What?
- That's right. Howard Cosell piggy banks.

Oh. When you put the money in
his mouth, he starts talking, right?

No, you put money in his
mouth to make him shut up.

J.J., if you want to keep on
going out there, you go on ahead.

But I've got too much pride
to keep on spending my time...

listening to a bunch of
garbage from all those people.

- Too much pride.
- Keith, where you going?

I'm going to the bathroom. There are some
things I'm still pretty good at, you know?

I don't understand Keith. I mean,
he used to be so levelheaded,

so cool, so suave.

Then all of a sudden he lost it.

You know, with a little more training,
he could have been another me.

Hi, y'all. Hey, Willona.

Thelma. Here's the blueberry
muffins I made for Keith.

And, honey, there's only one thing
on earth sweeter and more tender...

than these little darlings.
What's that, Willona?

I don't know. I
ain't met him yet.

Blueberry muffins for
Keith, huh? Mm-hmm.

I'll tell you, boy,

the only thing he's been sinking his
teeth into around here has been us.

Wait a minute, honey.
You must be jivin'.

After all the work
I went through,

staying up all night long, starting
from scratch, you gonna tell me...

Hey, y'all. Willona! Hi.

Whoo-whee! It's a
wonder you ain't in jail,

'cause you certainly are
dressed to k*ll this morning.

Mmm, mmm!

Sinkin' his teeth into you, huh?

Well, honey, get
ready to bite me again!

I made something nice
for you. Lookee here.

No, no, no, no. Don't tell me.
Don't tell me. No, it can't be.

Not my favorite. Not those
delicious blueberry muffins.

Uh-huh. That's right. Lord have
mercy. Good lookin' and good cookin'.

What you tryin' to do, throw
Betty Crocker out on her buns?

Mmm. Either he's got
a twin in that bathroom,

or we're in The Twilight Zone.

Yeah, yeah, these'll be great to grease
on while me and J.J. go job hunting.

Job hunting? Well, you
said that we were gonna...

Come on. There's a whole
new world out there for us.

What th...

One day, Scarlett,
all this will be yours.

Tara, the plantation, the river,

the dam.

No, wait. Frankly, Scarlett,
I won't give a damn.

Hello?

Oh, oh, yes, he is.
One minute. Keith?

Hey, I told Donna
Summer not to call me here.

Hello?

Willona, if you had been
here 10 minutes ago,

you'd have seen that
Keith had all the charm...

of a shark with root-canal work.

Could you all excuse me a
minute? This is kind of private.

Ooh! Come outside and
tell me what's going on!

Well, I'll go start the dishes.

Hello, Joe. Hey,
what's happening, man?

When'd you get in?

Oh, me? I can't complain.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, man. Just
give me a couple more months.

My leg will be better.
I'll be out there again.

Hey, look, why don't you give
me your phone number, man?

Uh-huh. Keith, why
don't you invite...

No, no, no. I got to go. See
you later, Joe. Gotta split.

Oh, I'm sorry.

That's all right. That was Joe
Stennet, an old college teammate.

He's gonna be in town for a couple days.
I told him I'd drop by if I got the chance.

You must really like him.
He sure cheered you up.

Are you kidding?

Me and Joe, we were
so tight in college,

if he got dandruff,
I had to shampoo.

He's playing for
the Miami Dolphins.

Signed up for his second year.

I got to go, babe. Bye-bye.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

Greetings, unemployment fans.

- Hey, where's Keith?
- He'll be up in a minute.

He's downstairs
arguing with Bookman.

Bookman? What did
Bookman do this time?

Nothing. But he's not doing
it the way Keith wants him to.

I tell you, as far as Keith is
concerned, old fang face is back.

- Bad day, huh?
- Well, let me put it
to you this way...

It's the kind of day Donny
would punch out Marie.

I don't know. That Keith...
There's something...

It's those crazy,
unpredictable moods of his.

It's like pounding the pavement with the
Incredible Hulk. J.J., that's not fair now.

You're making it sound like
Keith has an emotional problem.

Well, you're wrong, and
I'm gonna prove it to you.

Hello, sweetheart. I
have a surprise for you.

Who cares?

Like putty in your hands.

Hey, brother-in-law, what's wrong,
man? The employers turn you down?

Yeah. White employers, black
employers, Chicano employers,

Eskimo employers.

I'm an equal-opportunity reject.

You know, Keith, you just can't go
around threatening personnel directors.

- I didn't thr*aten nobody!
- Oh, yeah?

What do you call putting a man's
tie in an electric pencil sharpener?

Yeah, and then you had it all the
way up to the knot until I stopped you.

Uh, Keith, now, why don't you sit
down over here and relax yourself,

- and let me tell you
about the surprise, okay?
- Are you pregnant?

- No.
- Then I don't want
to hear about it.

It's about your
friend Joe Stennet.

I invited him for
dinner tonight. Here?

Yeah. You invited Joe here
without asking me? Are you crazy?

- Keith, I thought that you...
- I don't care what you thought.

If I wanted him over here, I'd
have asked him here myself.

Now call him and cancel. Oh, Keith,
come on now. I already cooked dinner.

Then warn him, and
he'll call and cancel.

Keith, he'll be here in a
few minutes, see, now.

Damn it, Thelma. You had no right
butting into my business like that.

Oh, Keith... Get out of my way!

Hey!

Well, I guess I showed him.

Okay, where is he,
huh? Where is he?

- Hey there, Bookman.
- Don't "Bookman" me!

Thelma, I got a bone to
pick with your husband.

Well, if you're involved,
that's the only thing that's left.

Am I laughing?

Is there joy on
this sensitive face?

No! And you want to know why?

Because all I did was ask that
nut who he likes in the Super Bowl.

You know what he
said? "Your mama!"

Bookman, if your mama's
built anything like you,

she won't be able to
fit in the Super Bowl.

Oh, Bookman, look here.
Let me explain. Let me explain.

See, Keith has gone cuckoo.

Uh... Uh, see, what
happened is that...

Keith's been under a lot of tension
and strain lately, you understand?

Yo-yo City, Bookman. Yo-yo City.

Uh, so on behalf of the
family and everybody involved,

we wish our sincere apologies.

And we will talk
to Keith about this,

and promise you that this
will never happen again. Okay.

And, uh, my apologies
also to your big, fat mama.

Hey!

J.J., I heard what you said.

And I didn't like it one
bit. Keith is not a nut.

Oh, yeah? Well, if he's a tree, I
wouldn't want to stand under him.

I think he's sick...
Physically, that is.

You can call me Ray,
and you can call me Jay...

Michael, the only time
he seems to be happy...

is when he comes
out of that bathroom.

And I got a hunch on where
he's getting his medicine.

Come on.

Michael, let's check in here
while Keith is changing his clothes.

J.J., I don't even know
what we're looking for, man.

Anything happy,
Michael. Anything happy.

Now what kind of clue is that?

Michael, right now it's
the best clue that I got.

Don't just stand there.
Are you gonna help me?

Yeah, I'm helping. Boy.

Let's just pray that
I'm wrong this time.

But any man that can get happy
that fast can't be doing it alone.

Wait a minute, J.J. How do we know
that Keith is doing something wrong?

Wait a minute. Now, who'd
be stupid enough to hide...

Uhh. Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Either this is
Keith's joy juice,

or the Tidy Bowl
man has a new boat.

Vodka? Yes, vodka.

The Russian revenge.

No wonder Keith's been
acting crazy lately, man.

He done k*lled this bottle too.

Yeah. No wonder he
thinks he's the king.

His throne is 90 proof.

Yeah, yeah.

Then the coach held up this
size-40, double-D cup bra, and said,

"What you call this, Stennet?

Dolly Parton knee pads?"

Mmm. Yeah.

And speaking of holidays,
did you know this is...

National
Take-a-Lemon-to-Lunch week?

Oh? Oh, already? Oh, yeah.

That's right, that's right.
National... Yeah. Yeah.

So let's get rid of this booze,
and let's break out the lemonade!

The lemonade! Hey, hey, hey.

And let all this good
20-year-old scotch go to waste?

Come on. Joe brought this by to
help keep things lively. Didn't you, Joe?

Right on, Keefee.

Yo, man. Remember
that? "Keefee"?

Yeah, yeah. Hold on a second.
Who used to call me that?

It was... That girl! That girl!
Right. What was her name?

Annette. Annette!
Annette! Right!

That's right! Big ol'
buck-toothed Annette!

Thelma, you ain't seen nothin'
until you've seen Annette.

Ugliest girl on campus.

Pass the bottle.

- The scotch, fool.
- Keith.

Thelma, that girl was so ugly, we
were gonna make her the team mascot,

and change the name of
the team to the Orangutans.

A real dog! Dog...
Bow-wow, bow-wow.

Good ol' Annette. I wonder
what ever happened to her?

We've been married
for half a year now.

Please don't let me get hit.

Hey, Joe, I didn't know, man.

I'm sorry.

But you know what they say, man.

Beauty goes a-wanderin',
but homely stays at home!

Hey, come on, you all.
Joe understands. Come on.

We jive around like this
all the time. Don't we, Joe?

Helps keep things lively, huh?

Yeah. Yeah. Uh, Keith?

A little toast
first. A little toast.

All right, I'll drink
to that. All right.

Here's to Keith and Thelma...

And may they always
have happiness and health.

Amen. And... may prosperity
be just down the road.

All right. And...

may they always have the
respect of their friends and relatives.

And... as they go down
the freeway of life...

through the yellow brick
road to their future... Mm-hmm.

We're all little lambs
that have lost our way.

Baa-ha, baa-ha, baa-ha.

We're all little
lambs that have...

Enough. Enough, enough, enough.

And as Jackie
Gleason would say...

"Smoo-oo-ooth!"

Oh, Keith, what are
you trying to prove?

And as W.C. Fields would say...

"I only use this in
case of snakebite.

And I always carry
a snake with me."

Ah, yes. Smooth.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh-uh. Keith, uh, if you
have one more drink of scotch,

you're gonna start
seeing plaid elephants.

Yeah, Keith. I think
you've had enough.

- Hey, hey, hey. Come on now.
- Enough.

Well, excuse me. I didn't know
my daddy played for the Dolphins.

Let go of the bottle, Keith.

I smell dessert?

I doubt it. We're having Jell-O.

Keith, I said let it go.

All right. All right, I'll
let it go, Mr. Stennet.

Now is there anything else
I can do for you, brother?

Like wash your car?
Shine your shoes?

You know, we poor folk, we're supposed to
be able to do that pretty good, you know?

- Keith, please.
- No, no, Thelma. It's cool.

Stennet, you ain't
foolin' nobody.

The only reason you came by here tonight
was the hope of seeing me on crutches.

Oh, wow, man. You have it...
Yeah, you just wish it were last year...

so you would have been the
one up for the Heisman trophy.

Right? Right?

You were jealous of me
then, and you're still jealous.

Jive sucker! Look!

I think I'd better go.

No, Joe. Don't go nowhere, man.

We still got stories to tell, man.
Like how about that Ohio State game?

Look, man, I don't know
what you're talking about.

Yeah, I didn't think you would,
so let me 'fresh your memory.

J.J., get out there.

Ah, Keith, I thought I would
stay here. I said get out there!

Getting out there.

Keith, you're
embarrassing everybody!

Would you shut up?

Now, it was our ball, third
down and long yardage.

It was me over here, and Joe was
over here. Now hike the ball, J.J.

- What ball?
- Hike the ball!

Keith, stop it! Would
you let me finish?

You're drunk! I said shut up!

Thelma! Thelma,
I didn't mean it!

J.J., I swear, man... Ah, man...

- Hey, Michael...
- I don't want to hear it.

Yeah. You better have a
good excuse for this one, Keith.

Otherwise we're gonna put you in
every sh*t glass across Chicago.

Hey, hey, everybody...
Hey, I'm... I'm sorry.

Hey, Joe, man...

Ah, who you gonna tell, man?

Me or your wife?

Thelma, would it help
at least if I said I'm sorry?

Come on, babe. I
know you're upset,

but running away
won't solve anything.

Well, you sure got that right.

'Cause I live here.
These things are yours.

I should have known that. Can't
we at least talk about it, babe?

Talk? Talk about what?

Just who the hell
do you think you are?

Do I look like a
punching bag to you?

Do you see the word "Everlast"
written across my face?

No, babe. All right then!

Is this yours?

Yeah.

Now I understand.

No, you don't understand, babe.

Do you know what it's like to be one
of the best running backs in the world,

and have your leg and your
life snap out from under you...

and end up driving
cab part-time?

Babe, you can't
begin to understand!

And this understands, right?

A bottle of fermented
potatoes understands!

Keith, don't you
know I love you?

Whatever you are,
I love... No, babe!

Keith, you're only 24 years old.

Since when does life end at 24?

You want to play football?
Then get out there and play.

I can't! Then try
something else!

I did! Then try again!

Baby, honey, what the
hell do you want from me?

Everything!

Everything you have
to give me, Keith.

Because remember,
you are still my husband,

whether you're playing in the
Super Bowl or driving people to it!

So you hurt your leg and you
can't run anymore. Big deal!

But your wallowing in
self-pity is not gonna help.

You gotta face it. The
world is gonna go on...

whether you are sitting on
top of it or stretched out under it.

Keith, you are going
to have to decide.

Is it me...

or this?

Babe.

One minute.

We're gonna start
all over again, right?

Right.

Everything even
between us? Right.

Then I owe you something.

Guess that makes us even, babe.

♪ Keepin' your
head above water ♪

♪ Makin' a wave when you can ♪

♪ Temporary layoffs ♪
♪ Good times ♪

♪ Easy credit rip-offs ♪
♪ Good times ♪

♪ Ain't we lucky we got 'em ♪

♪ Good times ♪♪