02x03 - Diamonds in the Rough

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ANNOUNCER: CBS presents this program in color.

( theme song playing ) Nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, Fraulein.

Oh, but it's such nice, fresh milk right from the farm.

And nein, Fraulein.

It is verboten.

Only a few fenigs a glass.

Hey, what's going on, Schultz? She wants to sell some milk.

( men cheering ) No, no, no, no, back, back, back, back, back, back! You know it's against regulations.

No civilian is allowed in camp.

She's not a civilian, Schultz, she's a girl.

They're the best kind, Schultzy.

Yeah, come on, Schultz, forget the regulations.

Yeah, Sergeant, what possible harm could I do? A big strong man like you, afraid of me? Oh, shucks.

"Aw, shucks" from the Kraut? I-I taught him that.

I also taught him, "Gee whillikers.

" Please? ( laughs ): Come on, Schultz.

( chuckling ): All right, ten minutes.

Okay, sir, thank you.

But only ten minutes! All right, thank you, Schultzy.

Thanks, Schultz.

I don't know what it is, but, uh beautiful girls cannot resist me.

No, no, no, Schultz, you mean you just can't resist them.

I like it my way better.

I have some for the lot of you.

Here we go, here we go, have some.

What are you doing? Give that note to Colonel Hogan.

It's very important.

Why'd you put that note in my milk for? Shh, the guards are watching us.

Did you see that? She put that note right Carter, just don't gripe.

Just give the note to Hogan.

But she put it right Carter.

Okay.

Thanks, Fraulein, ma'am.

"At 10:00 tonight, woods, "sector Y-14.

Meet important contact.

" The signature is Robinson Crusoe.

Hey, that's the code name for a commando.

If she's a commando, I like the way this w*r is going.

My guess is somebody was dropped in and got lost on a mission.

So Robinson Crusoe used the underground to get in touch with us? I read Robinson Crusoe when I was a kid.

There's a fascinating bit of news.

I don't like it.

London usually notifies us in advance of commando activity.

I don't like it.

Fine, then let's forget the rendezvous.

On the other hand, it could be on the level.

Well, let's take a vote.

I say no.

Definitely no.

No.

No.

We'll make contact Hey, I demand a recount.

Write to your congressman.

One, two, three Forget it.

What's the action, Kinch? Oh, it's all clear outside the wire, Colonel, right into the woods, and Schultz is asleep.

He's sitting against a tree.

Condition normal.

Do you see any dogs? The dogs are guarding Schultz.

All right, look, let's play this cozy.

Give me 15 minutes' start, then follow.

Keep the noise down.

Good luck.

Thank you.

( Schultz snoring ) ( dogs whimpering ) Shh.

He's sleeping.

Thank you, liebchen.

Anytime.

No, it couldn't be.

( whispers ): Colonel Hogan.

Myra? You came alone? Yeah.

Where's Robinson Crusoe? Oh, you'll meet him in due time, but first, there are certain precautions we must take.

You're under arrest.

Gestapo.

Some precaution.

Your g*n.

My car is parked on the road.

We walk to it very slowly and carefully.

Serves me right for going on a blind date.

Stand still and don't say a word.

Hey, there's the colonel.

NEWKIRK: And the bird as well.

Boy, I hope she's got some milk with her.

I'm thirsty.

You did not come alone.

I'm a terrible liar.

Well, tell them to throw down their weapons, or my first sh*t will be for you in your back.

Make up your mind.

Decisions, always decisions.

Ah, bonjour, mademoiselle.

Hi, there, Fraulein.

Guten Abend, my dear.

HOGAN: Hold it right there.

Throw down your g*ns.

You heard me.

Throw 'em down.

I won't give up my g*n.

The whole place is crawling with Krauts.

What is that? Throw them down, or your milkmaid friend is going to sh**t me in the back.

What good is half a colonel? See, it was a trap.

Correction: is a trap, and we're in it.

Blimey, we've been shopped.

Get rid of the g*ns.

Boy, what a w*r.

You can't trust anybody.

Okay, lady, so far, you've been a barrel of laughs.

Now what do you want with us? Yeah, I'm sleepy.

I want to go back to camp.

All you'll get out of us is name, rank and serial number.

I'll promise you that.

We may not even give you a serial number.

Good evening, gentlemen.

I'm Major Hegel, "Robinson Crusoe.

" You've done very well, my dear.

Danke.

Real chummy, ain't we? Now, Colonel, we're going to have a nice little talk.

The only talk you'll get is name, rank and serial number.

You obviously know we're prisoners in Luft Stalag 13.

Oh, I know a great deal more than that.

For example, you're running an underground organization.

What? You assist allied prisoners to escape.

You've got the wrong information somewhere.

You also sabotaged the German w*r effort.

Wrong again.

The commandant of Stalag 13, Colonel Klink, has no knowledge of these activities because he's a fool.

That's the first thing you've gotten right.

You have radio contact with London.

Your code name is Goldilocks.

You have a network of tunnels under Stalag 13.

Your men make uniforms.

Sergeant Carter here is very good with expl*sives.

Well, thank you, Major.

Actually, it's not so complicated Carter.

In addition you have wired Colonel Klink's office so you can listen to his conversations.

You have arms, amm*nit*on and contact with the underground.

He's what I call a nosy-parker.

By the way, where is your radio man, Sergeant Kinchloe? Is he back in the camp? What is the expression you Americans use watching the business? Oh, you mean watching the store.

Thank you.

That's all right.

I realize some of these American Carter, shut up.

Carter, will you please button your big mouth? Who blew the whistle? Do you remember Sergeant Williams, the P.

O.

W.

who was transferred from Stalag 5 to your camp? Williams.

We used him on a couple of jobs.

HEGEL: That's the one.

Sergeant Williams is really Lieutenant Kroeger, Gestapo.

One of my officers.

He gave me a full report on your activities.

Unfortunately, he's since been transferred to the Eastern Front Where he was k*lled in action.

He volunteered.

I insisted on it.

I find it very difficult to warm to this person.

Now, I could sh**t you as escaping prisoners.

Or I could report the matter to Berlin, get a medal, then have you sh*t.

It's a choice.

Take all the time you want to think it over.

Yeah, you know what they say.

"Act in haste, repent in leisure.

" Hogan, I know how important your operation is to London.

It's also very important to me.

What's your angle? I've been wearing this uniform for a long time, waiting for a chance to make it pay and pay big.

What's big? $1 million in diamonds.

Blimey, he knows how to ask, don't he? Where would we get a million dollars worth of diamonds? Same place you get everything else you need-- from London, by air drop.

You'll be taken back to Stalag 13.

You have one week to deliver.

All right, let's say we get you the million dollars in diamonds.

What guarantee do we have you won't sh**t us to keep us quiet? My dear Colonel, you have the best guarantee in the world.

My word of honor.

Serves me right.

Ask a silly question I say we do it to him before he does it to us.

Right, knock him off.

You know, that seems logical.

HOGAN: Look, you just can't go around knocking off German officers.

The ones that are left start asking embarrassing questions.

Colonel, it's my considered Colonel, I just got an answer from London.

Well? "Supreme Allied Headquarters, London, "to Colonel Robert Hogan, Stalag 13.

"Regarding your request for $1 million in diamonds--" quote, "Are you nuts?" unquote.

What kind of an answer is that? It makes sense to me.

I mean, the w*r is costing a fortune as it is.

Why, the canopy on a P-51 That's the answer I expected.

What do you mean, that's the answer you expected? Hegel must have stolen our code.

It's an even money bet he'll be monitoring our transmissions to London to keep tabs on us.

So, now he thinks we can't get the diamonds, huh? Right, but it's only the first round, Kinch.

Now I want you to use the emergency code.

Ask London again? Yeah, but this time for fake diamonds.

A pile that looks like a million bucks worth.

That kind they'll send.

Well, sure.

It's much cheaper.

Very clever, you Americans.

Thanks, Newkirk.

Oh, Colonel, I think you've got something cooking.

Right-- a n*zi fink named Hegel, I hope.

Now, Hogan, let me understand this.

A mass escape in return for diamonds? That's right, sir.

Only there's a little clause in fine print.

We make the deal, try the escape, they sh**t us and blame you.

I don't believe it.

I didn't think you would.

How did you communicate with this Gestapo man? He has never been here.

I can't tell you that.

Did he communicate with you? Can't tell you that.

Where would you get diamonds? I can't tell you that either.

What can you tell me? There's a shortage of colonels at the Russian front.

Now, I'm going to call the Gestapo and have this traitor arrested.

Yes.

HOGAN: No! No? No.

They'll cover for their own man and cut your head off.

It'd be much smarter to get the evidence on him yourself, then turn him in.

It occurs to me that this is a lie-- some trick of yours.

Would you like to hear it direct from the Kraut I mean the horse's mouth? How? Arrange for a work detail of P.

O.

W.

s for the Hammelburg Road, day after tomorrow.

You come along as one of the guards.

I'll arrange for Hegel to be there.

We'll talk, you listen.

Me, put on a guard's uniform? Hegel has never seen you.

( chuckling ) Would anybody believe I could be just an ordinary private? Why not? I believe.

I just got word from London, Colonel.

Mm-hmm.

Fake diamonds will be dropped tomorrow night, Send Carter and LeBeau out to pick 'em up, huh? Right.

Will do.

I gave her the message, Colonel.

Day after tomorrow, Hammelburg Road.

Will she get the word to Hegel in time? I guess so.

I-I-I don't trust that dame, Colonel.

Why? She short-changed me for the milk.

Put it on my bill.

Colonel Hogan, is it true that Big sh*t is going to be a private? Yeah, just for a few hours, Schultz.

It's an intelligence matter.

Under my command? Right, right.

Oh, it's a trick just to get me into trouble.

No, no, Schultz, it's on the level.

Here comes Private Klink now.

Did you explain it to him? Now, Schultz, I want you to treat me as you would any private under your command.

Understood? Understood.

I don't want any special favors, any special treatment, an You-you-you you are a private? Yes, I am.

Shut up! How dare you tell me Achtung! Face front! Put the helmet straight.

Chest out, stomach in.

Answer only when you're spoken to.

Jawohl.

"Jawohl" what? Jawohl, Herr Hauptmann.

That's better.

About face! File in with the rest of them, you Dummkopf! Eins, zwei The dregs, the dregs Oh, it feels so good.

Achtung! Straighten up! Hogan, I still would like to know how Major Hegel got in touch with you.

It's all done with mirrors.

Mir Ah, the sun.

That's the mirror? Then you give him a signal, and he signals back.

Why don't I keep my big mouth shut? There's Hegel.

Get into the woods, come up behind the car.

Herr Major, work detail from Stalag 13 reporting, Sergeant Hans Schultz commanding.

At ease, Sergeant.

Where is the senior P.

O.

W.

officer? I wish to talk to him.

Jawohl, Herr Major.

Colonel Hogan.

I will talk to this man alone.

Carry on, Sergeant.

Well? Can we talk alone in the car? All right.

( doors shut ) Now, Hogan, what seems to be the trouble? Well, diamonds don't grow on trees, especially a million bucks' worth.

I'm trying.

Yes, I know.

"Are you nuts?" I don't have to ask where you heard that.

I'll need more time.

There's a barn on this road two kilometers beyond the town.

Be there two nights from tonight with the diamonds.

And if I fail? I will come to Stalag 13 and sh**t you and your men.

How would you justify that? Oh, I'll think of something at the last minute.

Hegel, you're a real fun person.

Whether you live or die is entirely up to you.

And Colonel Klink.

We're still his prisoners.

You'll have to sh**t him, too, and take over the camp.

And take at least another ten minutes.

I can see you're terribly worried about Klink.

( chuckling ) Hogan, let me tell you something.

h*tler is trying to conquer the world.

If he fails, it will be on account of bubble-headed fools like your Colonel Klink.

I thought you said you didn't know him.

By the way, Mr.

Wonderful Yes? We're giving you a million in diamonds to keep your mouth shut.

I'll send you a postcard from Switzerland.

Fine.

But if you change your mind, we've got as much on you as you've got on us.

That's true.

For both our sakes, keep that in mind.

They should have been back two hours ago, sir, two hours.

Don't worry, they'll make it.

Oh, they'll make it all right, sir.

I know they'll make it.

There's no doubt about 'em making it.

It's just I should have gone out with them, that's all.

What time did you say it was? What time is it, Kinch? It's 10:00.

Funny, it doesn't seem like it's 10:00.

( door opening ) Oh, you took your flippin' time about it, didn't you? ( speaking French ) Never mind the French! English! Speak English! All we had to do was circle the whole Kraut division.

If you think that was easy, boy You got the stuff? Yeah, we had to duck two patrols ( all talking at once ) We were worried about you, Andrew.

Sure, you were worried about us.

We couldn't get back any faster.

We'd have gotten here if we could That's what you're getting paid for.

Then I want a raise.

( men whistling ) NEWKIRK: Cor! Blimey.

LeBEAU: They are beautiful! CARTER: Boy, look at that.

NEWKIRK: Smashing, aren't they? LeBEAU: Boy! Beautiful fakes.

They could fool an expert.

Oh, magnifique! ( speaking French ) Very nice, indeed.

Never tell they're rubbish.

Here's your raise.

Merci, mon pote.

You know, Colonel, I had a bird once in London, a duchess she was Newkirk, save it for your memoirs.

Listen this is our plan for tomorrow night.

Klink has agreed to let us out of here.

I've sold him on the idea of grabbing Hegel with this stuff on him.

We go out first, Klink follows with his men after the delivery.

Great.

Well, what's to keep Hegel from talking when Klink arrests him? If he doesn't try any fancy footwork, there won't be an arrest.

We let him get away with his pound of glass.

Yeah, but suppose he does try a double cross? That's why we bought the policy from the Klink Insurance Company.

All clear in the back of the barn, sir.

Just a guard.

All right, now, look.

When we get inside the barn, under no circumstances go near the door.

Understood? Let's go.

Achtung! All ready, Schultz? Jawohl, Herr Kommandant, at your order.

Good.

Now, men, tonight we are going on a dangerous mission.

Some of us may not return, so I want you to Herr Kommandant, please.

I just remembered, I have a little personal problem.

Please, Herr Kommandant, may I request a three-day pass? Schultz, you are a coward! Who is arguing? Silence! Into the truck.

Into the truck! So, London decided to save you after all.

There's not a diamond left in the British Isles.

Nice lot of merchandise you got there, Major.

Yeah, they sparkle just like glass.

Achtung! Achtung! This is Colonel Klink speaking! You're surrounded! There is no chance to escape! Come out with your hands up! I give you two minutes.

Klink must have followed us here.

Good! He will save me the trouble of k*lling you.

Look, Hegel, you can still make it by going out the back way.

We'll cover for you.

You got your payoff.

You and your girlfriend can live happily ever after.

Myra? She's dead.

And did you really think I'd let you live? KLINK: Achtung! Inside the barn! Your time is up! I'm going out that door alone, and order him to blast this barn to pieces.

HOGAN: Hegel, you're making a mistake.

Go through with the deal and you're home free.

Colonel Klink! He has a g*n! Fire! Go on, Colonel Hogan.

Well, sir, we were being pursued by Colonel Klink, so we broke into this barn.

No one has ever escaped from You're not testifying.

He really is a bloodhound, sir.

( chuckles ) OFFICER: Silence! ( clears throat ) Continue, Colonel.

Well, we figured we had it made, then this man walked in and surprised us.

Major Hegel? That's right.

He had us cold.

Then Colonel Klink arrived with his men and opened fire, not realizing, of course, there was a German officer in the barn.

And Major Hegel was the only one who was k*lled? Yes, sir.

Sir, I assure you, had I known Yes, sir.

Accident of w*r.

Hegel d*ed a hero's death, and we will see to it that you and your men are severely punished.

You will be taken to Berlin for further questioning.

Sir, I must protest.

Colonel Hogan is my prisoner.

His crime is against the authority of Stalag 13.

I will see to his punishment.

Very well, Klink.

Heil h*tler.

Heil h*tler! Hogan, you are the biggest liar I've ever met in my whole life.

Colonel Hogan, he said a terrible thing to you.

I know.

He called you a liar.

He really knows how to hurt a guy.