02x08 - A Klink, a b*mb and a Short Fuse

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ANNOUNCER: CBS presents this program in color.

( theme song playing ) ( prisoners murmuring ) ( camera clicking ) ( clicks ) KLINK: Hold it! Hold it! Nobody move! Attention! Good morning, Commandant.

How's tricks? "Tricks" is right.

Somebody took a code book from my office, and I want it back at once.

At once! At once! I don't blame you for being upset, but why blame us if your new code book is missing? Ha! How did you know it was a new code book? You wouldn't be so upset if it was an old code book.

Now, be honest, would you? I suppose not.

Schultz, search the men! Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Wait a minute.

I want to go on record as protesting this search, a violation of the Geneva Convention.

Your protest has been duly noted and rejected.

Go ahead, Schultz.

I would also like to point out you interrupted me.

I was just reading to the men from this book, Mein Kampf, by Adolph h*tler.

Oh, go on, Colonel Hogan.

You stopped at the most interesting part.

Yeah.

Tell us what happens after he says he's gonna conquer the world.

Boy, I can't wait to see how it ends.

See how anxious they are? Would you care to read a couple of chapters to them, sir? Some other time.

Schultz, I gave you an order.

Search the men! Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Schultz, don't tickle.

Shh! KLINK: Wait a minute.

That one over there, he was in my office.

Step forward.

Oh, oh, no, sir, please, please.

That tickles.

Never mind! Step back.

Schultz, search them all.

One of them has it.

Jawohl.

Ah, General Burkhalter, what a pleasure to see you again, sir.

Klink, I can get out by myself.

Of course you can, General.

I never doubted that for one minute, not for one minute, sir.

And, oh, how is your dear wife, the charming and delightful Frau General? In the first place, my wife is neither delightful or charming.

In the second place, this isn't a social visit, it's official.

It's official.

Yes, sir, it is official.

What are you doing? The code book.

Isn't that the new code book, Series G, Klink? Yes, sir, it is.

Well! You know the regulations.

This code book is not supposed to leave your office.

It didn't, sir.

No, what I mean is, I don't know how it got into my hands.

I'll talk to you in your office.

Yes, sir.

Colonel Klink? Yes, what is it? Aren't you forgetting the apology you owe us, sir? What apology? Uh, for saying they stole it.

I don't know what apology! Nobody contradicts Colonel Klink! Around here I'm the supreme authority.

Nobody tells me what to do.

BURKHALTER: Klink! Yes, sir, General, I'm coming.

( telegraph pulsing ) Kinch, have you reached headquarters yet? No, not yet, but I should pick them up any minute.

When you do reach headquarters tell them about the new code book.

Tell them we photographed it and we'll start transmitting it.

Carter? How long to develop that film? About an hour, Colonel.

I'll start on it right away.

Oh, you know, just to make sure, I took two pictures of every page using a different exposure.

You know, because after all, with something as important as Oh, no.

What's the matter, Carter? Don't you feel well? I may faint.

Why, what happened? No film in the camera? I forgot to put it in.

Boy, you can always depend on me to foul things up.

You'd be better off without me.

I-I'm no good.

I'm stupid.

Why don't you get rid of me? Because I can't spare a good man like you.

( telegraph pulsing ) A good man? I ought to be court-martialed.

Don't tempt me.

KINCH: I've got headquarters, Colonel.

What should I tell them? Just what I told you, except there'll be a slight delay in getting it to them.

Right.

Colonel? How are we going to get another cr*ck at that code book? Yeah, you can bet that Klink will keep it in the safe from now on.

Edison once said that genius was one-tenth inspiration, nine-tenths perspiration.

Well, that's great, if you're inventing the electric light, but what's that got to do with the code book? We'll supply the inspiration, let Klink supply the perspiration.

Klink, we've had some disturbing reports recently.

Yes, Herr General.

I understand that things have not been going too well at the Russian front.

But the Fuhrer will think of something.

He always does.

I'm not talking about the Russian front.

I mean right here in this camp.

Here in my camp? It may not be your camp much longer.

( laughing ) General Burkhalter, please, don't joke about a thing like that.

I never joke.

Our monitors have been picking up Allied broadcasts, originating from Germany.

Oh, that's an outrage! Now those men should be caught and put into a prison camp.

We think they already are in a prison camp-- this one.

Here? That is absurd and ridiculous.

It is totally and completely impossible.

What?! I mean it isn't very likely.

How could anyone run a radio right under my nose? It would be the most obvious place.

Naturally, if such a radio is found here in camp, operated by prisoners, it would be very unpleasant for you.

You mean they might take my command away from me? I said unpleasant, not inconvenient.

( makes screeching noise ) ( gulps ) Sergeant? What is that machine? An electronic marvel.

A new signal-finding device working on a single beam.

Start it.

( mechanical whirring ) It looks very efficient.

But machines do make mistakes.

Not this machine.

It has been tested under all conditions.

It picks up all electrical energy.

( beeping ) Is it trying to tell us something? It's not warmed up yet.

( beeping grows louder ) Now it's trying to tell us something.

It's picking up a signal.

Someone is broadcasting.

( beeping loudly ) That's the front gate, no radio there.

( loud beeping ) Solitary confinement barracks, well, there's nothing there.

( loud beeping ) Colonel Hogan's barracks, nothing.

That's it! ( shudders ) That's where the signal is coming from.

What's in that direction? Nothing, nothing at all, Herr General.

Just some barracks, that's all.

Excuse me, sir.

BURKHALTER: Check it again.

Schultz! Get over to Colonel Hogan immediately and tell him to get rid of that radio transmitter right away.

If he has one.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant, to get rid of the radio transmitter right away.

But Herr Kommandant, what if he hasn't got one? Oh, I know, I know.

Tell him to get one right away.

Schultz, with my bare hands I'm going, Herr Kommandant, I'm going.

( grunts ) ( mutters ) ( mutters ) ( beeping ) Boy, if I had just put film in that camera.

What a stupid Why don't you escape? Hear, hear.

Hi, Schultz.

What's the matter, Schultzie? ( panting ) Take it easy.

Sit down.

Sit down.

What's wrong? You all right? ( panting ) You've got a message.

( mutters ) For me.

You're in trouble.

We're in trouble.

What kind of trouble? Toothache.

You're opening two safes.

You don't want to hear anymore.

NEWKIRK: Colonel.

( beeping ) Some kind of directional beam.

( telegraph pulsing ) ( pulsing stops ) Radio! What radio? We haven't got a radio.

( beeping ) ( rapid beeping ) Well, there's nothing here.

No use wasting our time.

Colonel Hogan, stand aside.

That footlocker contains private property.

He's just protecting his privacy, sir.

For the last time, get away from that footlocker.

Okay, but under protest.

Klink, open the footlocker.

Yes, sir.

( beeping ) ( bubbling ) Ah, you see, I told you so.

No radio, no radio.

( bubbling stops ) ( beeping slows ) Care for a cup of coffee? It's the real stuff.

Perhaps a small cup.

It has been a long time since Schultz! Now you know the rules about cooking in the barracks.

There will be severe punishment for this.

Yes, sir, I don't stand for any monkeyshines.

Klink, will you shut up? Yes, sir, I certainly will.

Oh, shut up.

Yes, sir.

I cannot understand it.

I was sure it was a radio signal we were picking up.

It never failed before.

Oh, sir, I wouldn't call that a failure.

It's a marvelous machine for tracking down coffee pots.

Phew, that was a close one.

I thought they had us.

They do have us.

We don't have the new code to send.

Even if we did, we wouldn't be able to send it with that signal beam just waiting for us to start using the radio.

Hey, what's going on? They've got a directional finder that spotted our radio.

We seem to have a couple of sticky wickets.

Let's take care of one sticky wicket at a time.

First wicket is how do we lay our hands on that code? NEWKIRK: There's nothing to it.

We just walk into old Klink's office with a camera and we say, uh ( with upper-crust accent ): "Look, here, Klink, old boy, "trot out that code book "so we can take some snapshots of the ruddy thing.

There's a good chap.

" What's the matter, Colonel? Newkirk, you just came up with a great idea.

Thanks a million.

Carter, come with me.

Let's look at your cameras.

We need something special.

LeBeau? What? What was that great idea I just had? I don't know, what did you say? I don't know, I wasn't listening.

Kinch, what did I say? ( with British accent ): "Look, here, Klink, old boy, "trot that code book out of the safe "so we can take a few snapshots of the ruddy thing, there's a good chap.

" Oh, well, it's obvious, isn't it? What's obvious? Colonel Hogan, he's around the bend.

He's crackers.

See what Klink's doing.

It's all right, he's occupied.

Nylons.

Danke, Colonel.

Get General Burkhalter on the phone, official business.

General Burkhalter, please.

It's an official call.

What's the telephoto lens set for? About six feet.

Good.

( German accent ): General Burkhalter? This is Ludwig Linkmeyer.

Maybe you remember me? The sausage maker in the village.

A code book? No, I did not lose one.

But I know the Dummkopf who did lose it.

Bring it to me right away.

Ja, Heil h*tler.

That should start the wheels to rolling.

( telephone rings ) Commandant Klink speaking.

Oh, yes, General Burkhalter, it's always a great pleasure to Code book? Of course, sir.

I never let it out of my office.

No, sir, I'm not contradicting you, it's in my safe.

Yes, sir, I'll look, but I can assure you that I Yes, sir, right away.

( sighs ) Yes, Herr General.

I have it right here in my hand, Code Book G.

I think, sir ( chuckles ) that someone is playing a joke on you.

( chuckling ) No, sir, I'm not laughing.

I'm just clearing my throat.

Yes, sir.

I'll have him arrested right away.

Oh? Yes.

"Ludwig Linkmeyer sausage maker.

" Yes, sir.

Heil h*tler.

Newkirk? ( bulbs crashing ) Colonel Klink?! Colonel, where are you? What was that noise? One of the boys dropped a flash bulb.

Did it startle you? Of course not! I was just looking for my pen.

What are you doing here? What's that camera for? Colonel, I don't know whether you're aware of how the men in this camp feel about you.

So what? I feel the same way about them.

They know that.

That's why you're so popular and respected.

I am? And how.

They know your job isn't an easy one, and they-they admire your fairness.

Well, I I always try to do my best.

You're right, Colonel Hogan, this is not an easy job.

Well, now, the men, they like me, do they? They even have a pet name for you, sir, just among themselves.

Oh, they do? What is it? They call you Klink the Fink.

Fink? What's that? It's short for "Firm, Impartial n*zi Kommandant.

" Fink.

Oh, that's very nice of them.

Klink the Fink.

Ooh, it has a nice sound to it.

Wait until I tell them about this at the officers club.

Yeah, yeah, well, anyway, you see, the fellows would like some pictures of you, you know.

Oh? To hang in their lockers, send home with their letters.

Would you mind posing for them? Oh, no, not at all.

Oh, good.

How about this? Uh, uh no, the background's wrong, background's wrong.

Um Yeah, that's more typical.

Why don't you sit in the chair? That's a typical pose.

That's-that's the way the men would want to remember you All right, all right.

HOGAN: Yeah, that's good, that's good.

Let's do an action one, signing something at the desk.

KLINK: All right.

Yeah.

( chuckles ): Klink the Fink.

Now here's a good character pose.

Ah more this way, sir.

Face this way.

Yeah, with a hint of a smile.

Mona Lisa like.

Ah, yeah, yeah, that's good.

How's that for you, Carter? That's perfect.

Now a big smile, huh? Oh, come on, bigger.

Say "cheese.

" Cheese? Forget it.

Now one for the ladies.

Maybe a profile, huh? Uh-huh, uh-huh Oh! This way, this way.

We want to get your best side.

Oh, yes.

All right now How's it going, Carter? Fine, Colonel.

Have it for you in a few seconds, all sharp and clear.

( explosions ) Hey, it's getting pretty close.

I hope our flyers know we're here.

It's the railroad outside of camp they're after.

Well, as long as they know it's outside the camp.

Yeah.

( explosions ) Thanks, Carter.

Hey, great work.

Thanks.

Now the problem is how to get this to our people.

Every time I turn on this radio, out comes that little guy with his directional finder beeper.

( expl*si*n ) Phew! There's another close one.

It's a good thing they're not aiming at us.

( explosions ) Carter, how long would it take you to make a b*mb? Well, gee, I don't know.

I'd have to fix up some kind of expl*sive.

I don't mean a real b*mb.

I mean one that looks like a b*mb, ticks like a b*mb, but doesn't go off like a b*mb.

What do you mean by that, Colonel? Look if your toe is aching and somebody hits you on the head with a hammer, you'd soon forget about your toe, wouldn't you? Right.

What's that got to do with bombs? Don't you get it? We plant a phony b*mb in the prison yard.

When they hear it ticking, they'll think it's a real one.

And they'll be so busy with the fake, they won't have time to monitor our radio broadcast, right? Right.

It's a marvelous idea, Newkirk.

You've done it again.

Hey, looks like a b*mb, doesn't it? It is a b*mb.

One of yours.

Oh, come on, Colonel.

I wouldn't leave a b*mb lying around.

You know the rules about littering.

One of your planes dropped it in last night's raid.

It's a new type.

I never saw one like it before.

It's a good thing it's a dud, Herr General.

A dud? ( begins ticking ) It's alive! Do something! Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

( continues ticking ) Do what? I think it calls for a b*mb disposal expert.

It will take hours to get a man here.

Maybe it will stop ticking by itself.

Mm-hmm, and when it stops ticking, brroom! Ah! Don't do that! Hogan, you've got to disarm that b*mb.

Me, why me? It's your duty to the Fuhrer and it's your duty to the Third Reich.

Hogan, I am not asking you; I am ordering you to.

No.

Klink, you're an idiot.

Colonel Hogan, what do you want? Diffuse that b*mb and you can have anything you ask for.

Well, let's see.

A movie every week for the men? No! Agreed.

Ice cream every Sunday.

No! Agreed.

Agreed.

From now on, the men fall out one hour later every morning.

Agreed.

Agreed.

Agreed.

You got yourself a deal.

Where's Colonel Hogan? Schultz came and got him a little while ago.

What's up? Part of the tunnel collapsed.

Carter's trapped down there.

He was just coming up with the phony b*mb.

Carter's in the tunnel with a b*mb? Yeah.

Well, what's that b*mb in the yard? b*mb? That's a real one.

Come on, let's dig Carter out.

Schultz, help Colonel Hogan with the b*mb! Me? Colonel Klink! I'm going to need your help, too.

( ticking continues ) Me? I don't know anything about bombs.

You'll never get a better chance to learn.

Help him, Klink, that's an order.

I wonder how this thing is put together.

Don't you know? ( tings ) ( clack ) Ah! Please, Colonel Hogan, don't do that! It'd be a good idea if we get everybody as far away from this b*mb as possible.

That makes a lot of sense.

Not you, Klink.

Boy, I didn't know it was that late.

I have an appointment in town.

Are you going, sir? You don't need me.

I think you three can handle it very well.

BURKHALTER: Sergeant! Colonel Klink, I want you to know, no matter what happens, it's been a privilege knowing you.

In the time I've been here in camp Never mind that, Hogan! Just stop that b*mb from ticking.

( ticking continues ) Screwdriver.

Chisel.

Pliers.

( ticking continues ) ( ticking ) Beautiful, beautiful.

Carter Manufacturing Company has outdone themselves.

They make these bombs, you know.

Are you sure you know what you're doing? No.

You like to try it? Please, Herr Kommandant, don't make him nervous.

( shudders ) Here.

Hold that, hold that.

Now don't let the ends touch, otherwise you'll short-circuit the b*mb.

And then boom! Dummkopf, don't touch me! Do you want me to explode? ( ticking continues ) Colonel Hogan, can I speak to you a minute? He's busy.

Never too busy to talk to my men.

Here.

Hold that.

Hi, Kinch.

We've got this b*mb here we're disarming.

A real live one.

That's exactly what you've got.

A real, live b*mb.

We had a cave-in, and Carter's trapped in the tunnel with the fake one.

That's a real, live b*mb? You mean I've been fooling around with a live b*mb? Let's get out of here.

No, wait.

The only trouble is, the part of the tunnel that Carter's in is right under this b*mb.

Well, get him out of there.

We've been digging, but he won't leave, not until he finishes sending the new code on the radio.

Oh, boy.

I'll tell you one thing, you've just taken all the fun out of this job.

( ticking continues ) ( ticking ) Is that the fuse? Uh-huh.

Thank you, Schultz.

Wire cutters.

What are you waiting for? Cut the wire.

That's the problem.

One of these wires disconnects the fuse.

The other one fires the b*mb.

( sighs ) Which one would you cut, Schultz? Don't ask me.

This is a decision for an officer.

All right.

Which wire, Colonel Klink? ( ticking continues ) This one.

You're sure? Yes.

( ticking ) ( ticking stops ) ( sighs ) If you knew which wire it was, why did you ask me? I wasn't sure which was the right one.

But I was certain you'd pick the wrong one.