02x13 - Don't Forget to Write

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ANNOUNCER: CBS presents this program in color.

( theme song playing ) Make yourself comfortable.

You'll be staying with us a while.

May I ask how long it may be, sir? At least until the Krauts stop searching for you.

Then we'll move you out.

Our contact with the underground will pass you along to the coast, and one of your own subs will pick you up.

Oh, I say, that is clever, Colonel.

But supposing the Jerrys find us down here while we're waiting? Simple.

Then it won't be so clever.

Herman, come on, vite, vite.

I need another egg for the soufflé.

Be a good chap, Herman.

Give over or out, whichever is easier.

KINCH: Herman, come on.

Hi, any luck? Unless he shapes up, no soufflé tonight.

Watch this.

Chicken! This is your commanding officer speaking.

( squawking ) You lay an egg, and that's an order.

Nobody respects officers anymore.

Any action? Nothing.

That chicken's a ruddy Kraut if you ask me.

Stubborn.

Newkirk, name calling never solves anything.

Come on, darling, I want a souffle tonight.

Hey, Schultz, aren't you supposed to be on guard duty? Ja, but Colonel Klink is busy in his office with a colonel from Berlin.

Really, which one is that? His name is Bessler.

A personnel officer of the Luftwaffe.

Another big sh*t on a very important assignment.

A personnel officer, huh? I guess I'll have to look into that.

Colonel Hogan, this is none of your concern.

( clucking ) LeBEAU: Herman! Oh, that's great! Was it something I said? You seem to have a very efficient operation here, Klink.

Danke,Colonel.

I have worked very hard to make Stalag 13 the toughest P.

O.

W.

camp in all of Germany.

And believe me, it has not been easy.

My burdens have been heavy-- problems, sleepless nights, trying to solve them Nice snow job.

"Snow job"? It's a blizzard.

To me, duty comes first.

When I was transferred here, I was with the Yes, I know.

Ah, here, let me show you a picture of my old outfit.

( chuckling ) There we are.

That's me in the middle, with the white scarf.

Ah, real comrades, all of you.

I can see that.

Ja, ja.

Ah, I was sad at the thought of being grounded, but, uh, as I said, duty uber alles.

The Fuhrer commands, I serve.

You prefer a combat assignment then? ( clears throat ) My dear Colonel, when I was with the 410th, they called me the Iron Eagle.

Oh.

Ah, yes.

The Iron Eagle-- up there in the wild blue yonder.

At the control of my Heinkel, zooming through the enemy.

Of course, uh, now the Iron Eagle flies at somewhat lower altitudes.

I'm very glad you feel the way you do.

Actually, I'm here on what you might call a recruiting mission for the Russian front.

We need manpower.

Watch out, Klink, he's setting you up.

Herr Bessler, I shall be very happy to transfer any of my men that you may need.

But, uh, I'm afraid they're not all a front-line quality like myself.

It's not them he wants, dummy.

It's you.

Clam up, will you? Colonel, the Russian Front needs officers, experienced leaders.

I understand, sir.

Ooh, how I wish I could go.

I'd show those Ruskies a thing or two.

You can go, Colonel.

I've got a few tricks up my sleeve.

I I can go? Tell me when it's over.

We need you.

Well, uh, frankly, my flying tricks are a little out of date.

They'll soon brief you in the newer techniques.

Now, a flight surgeon will be sent here next week, to give you your physical examination.

( clears throat ) I haven't been too well lately.

If you pass and you're fit-- ( spurts )-- off you go.

But what about my work here at Stalag 13? No problem.

They'll assign another officer.

Congratulations, Colonel.

Your request for combat duty is very commendable.

My request? Well, he did it.

The Iron Eagle just got his tail caught in the barbed wire.

Good riddance to him.

Glad to see the last of him.

Talk is cheap, Newkirk.

We've got two prisoners waiting to escape, now this happens.

Well, if they do transfer Klink, we might get lucky with another Kraut we can train.

And suppose we don't? Suppose the new commandant's an efficiency expert? We got to figure a way to stop that transfer.

Well, I can't believe they'd take him.

He makes a lot of noise, but he's empty inside, you know? Are you kidding? If he passes that physical, he's gone.

Well, maybe he won't pass.

You know, he's got something there.

If Klink doesn't pass his physical, we might be able to save his neck.

Question, sir.

Must we? ( knock at door ) Come in! Colonel? Yes, Hogan, what is it? I've been told you have orders for the Russian Front.

Big-Mouth Schultz? Big-Mouth Schultz, sir.

There is no truth in what he says.

I have just had a long conversation with General Dohrmeyer.

He assures me that there has been a mistake, and that my orders will be, will be I have not been able to get General Dohrmeyer on the phone.

Not even any general or colonel.

Not even a major or a captain.

Why don't you look at it as a great sacrifice for the fatherland? Thank you, that's very helpful.

Look, I have a going- away present here for you from the men.

A wallet.

Oh, that's a very touching gesture, I must say.

They made it themselves.

Here, let me point out some of the features of it.

It has a compartment in here, see, and it's got an I.

D.

card.

You put your name and your rank on that line, and on the line beneath Oh, forget that.

That was tactless of me to bring it up.

Wait a minute, Hogan, let me see that.

"In case of death, notify the following person.

" Of course, if you're missing in action, it's not much good.

By the way, when do you leave? The Luftwaffe doctor will examine me in a few days.

Then I'll know.

Any chance you won't pass the exam? Unfortunately, I'm a beautiful physical specimen.

Yeah, too bad.

Of course, there are ways, but that wouldn't interest you.

Well, tally-ho.

Go get 'em.

Hogan, wait a minute.

Wait, wait, what do you mean, "ways"? Not passing the physical, getting yourself into a weakened condition, starving yourself, catching a cold, maybe even pneumonia, if you're lucky.

It's been done before.

Hogan, I am a German and an officer.

Now, what you're suggesting is obviously dishonest, vile and deceitful.

Now, if I'm ordered to the Russian Front, to be sh*t out of the wild blue yonder and die in the snow, then that is what I must do.

Spoken like a true German patriot.

Thank you.

Good luck.

Don't forget to write.

Hogan wait! Your lunch, Herr Kommandant.

Bread and water again? There is a little dessert.

Ja? Guten appetit.

A toothpick? On that you can have seconds.

Mmm.

Ah, Schultz, please don't get up.

At ease.

Having your lunch, I see.

Yes, sir.

That's a nice, big sandwich.

Oh, that's the appetizer.

The real lunch is in there.

Oh, more? Well, then, you won't mind if I join you.

Yeah, but, Herr Kommandant, please, Colonel Hogan says Never mind, Hogan.

Now, Schultz, you will share your food with me or the next lunch you have will be covered with icicles.

HOGAN: Ah-ah-ah-ah.

There goes the Iron Eagle into the wild blue yonder.

Sandwiches are a big no-no, Commandant.

( groans ) You know, Schultz, sometimes it's so hard to help people.

Mm-hmm.

There must be an easier way to catch pneumonia than this.

It should work.

Come on.

Pleasant dreams.

Oh, oh, oh.

The coat, the coat.

( groans ) ( Klink shivering ) Okay.

( Klink groaning and shivering ) Ah-ah-ah-ah.

! Huh? Nighty-night.

( speaks German ) Schultz, shut up.

Schultz You better stay out here tonight and guard him.

Me? Are you crazy? A man could catch cold on a night like this.

Ol' Klink, he's sleeping outside last night.

Talk about a room with a view.

( laughing ) All right, all right, Hold it, fellas, I just got the word.

Klink gets his physical in 48 hours.

Between now and the time that doctor examines him, I don't want Klink to shut his eyes.

No sleep at all.

That ought to do something to his blood pressure.

And his pulse rate.

Yeah, but Colonel, how do we keep him awake? Talk to him, amuse him-- anything at all.

We'll work in shifts and go on rotation.

Carter, you lead off.

Kinch, LeBeau, second shift, and maybe Schultz and Newkirk next.

All clear? Yes, sir.

The chips are down, so make this work.

Under no circumstances is Klink to fall asleep.

Right.

! Right.

Wake up, sir.

Huh? You're not supposed to fall asleep.

Of course.

Now, uh, you were saying? I was telling you about how I enlisted.

See, I wanted to get in the w*r early-- you know, before the w*r got too crowded.

That's very interesting.

Yeah, but I had this friend Charlie, and he didn't want any part of the w*r.

But he finally gave up.

I think he was glad the draft board caught up with him.

( stifled laugh ) Yeah, I guess it was no fun hiding under that porch for two years.

Wake up, sir, wake up.

Huh? You're not supposed to fall asleep.

( singing in French ) Colonel? Colonel Klink? I haven't finished yet.

Colonel.

Klink! Mmm? ( singing in French ) ( bangs desks ) Herr Kommandant, wake up.

You're not supposed to fall asleep.

Schultz, if you want to keep me awake you must talk to me.

Yes, Herr Kommandant, but we have nothing in common.

What shall I say? Talk about anything.

Your philosophy of life.

Anything.

Yes, Herr Kommandant.

Let's see My philosophy of life is that people should be always very kind to each other and never worry about things too much because when it comes to trouble it never rains, it pours.

Oh, shut up, Schultz.

Who cares about your philosophy? ( yawns ) Schultz, wake up! It's your turn.

Hmm.

A safe card.

Colonel? Colonel? Ooh, blimey.

Ahh.

* Ahh.

Hmm.

* Hmm.

Doctor, I hope that there is nothing wrong with my throat.

I-I mean, whatever it is, you must pass me.

I've got to fly again.

Yup.

They used to call the Colonel the Iron Eagle.

Is that so? Well, some of his feathers have gotten a little rusty.

Good! I mean, it's good to be up there in the wild blue yonder.

Herr Colonel, you are in terrible physical condition.

Oh, that is awful.

You know, I had my heart so set on flying.

However, you have passed the one important test for a combat assignment to the Russian Front.

I have? Ja.

You are breathing.

Auf Wiedersehen.

Heil h*tler.

Heil h*tler.

In accordance with staff order number duly signed by General Burkhalter, I herewith relinquish my command of Stalag 13 to Captain Fritz Gruber.

Stand at attention! Your beloved commandant, Wilhelm Klink, has volunteered for duty on the Eastern Front! ( cheering ) Bravo.

( laughing ): Bravo.

GRUBER: Quiet! With the transfer of command, certain changes will be made.

From now on, you will obey every order and regulation to the letter! Anyone who fails to do so will be punished without mercy! That a boy, Fritz Baby! ( laughter ) Sergeant, that man there-- solitary.

And as a reminder to the rest of you, all recreational privileges are canceled for the same period! It shall be done, Herr Captain.

Captain, I must protest this unusual I am not interested in your protest! Dismissed! I hope you just learned something, Klink, in case you ever come back from the Russian Front.

Yes, sir.

Which is doubtful.

Yes, sir.

Doubtful.

SCHULTZ: Roll Call! Everybody out, out, out, out, out, out, out! Roll call! ( indistinct chatter ) Everybody out! Formation outside! Formation outside! Oh, Schultzy! Everybody out, out! KINCH: Formation Out! Put your clothes on! Clothes on! Roll call! What do you mean roll call? Roll call! Don't look at me like this! Orders from the new kommandant! And, oh boy, is he a real sweetheart.

Out! Out! Everybody out, out, out, out, out, out, out! ( indistinct chatter ) Roll call! Raus! NEWKIRK: Yeah.

Rausyourself.

KINCH: Close it, Carter.

It's cold! What's all the excitement? Surprise roll call outside in five minutes.

Gruber's orders.

Yeah, shocking thing this time of night.

We have to get rid of that Gruber ( indistinct chatter ) All right, hold it down, hold it down.

We only have a couple of minutes.

You're right, we've got to do something about Gruber, and we got to do it fast.

You got any ideas, Colonel? Just one, and let's hope it works.

LeBeau, Carter, Newkirk, take off through the emergency tunnel now.

I'll report you missing at roll call.

Escape where? Use the three emergency hideouts until they come for you.

Understood? Right.

Right, sir.

All right.

The rest of you get ready for roll call.

Gotcha.

Are you absolutely sure, Sergeant? Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

I had roll call four times, and I've searched the barracks.

They are gone.

GRUBER: Turn out the force.

Notify the sentries at the roadblocks and release the dogs.

This camp is on red alert until further notice.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

And Sergeant, see that General Burkhalter is not disturbed.

Oh, boy.

Gruber? What's going on here? General, I regret to report three men have escaped.

What?! In the middle of the night? That's the best time, they say.

Fortunately, I ordered a surprise roll call.

The escape was discovered.

Don't try to take credit for a disaster.

Order a red alert at once! The order has already been given, Herr General.

What a mess.

If those men are not found, it will go against my record, as well as yours.

I understand, sir.

No, you don't.

I am the one who has to face the Fuhrer.

Oh, oh.

( knocking ) Come in, come in.

Hi, Colonel.

( laughing ) How do you like the escape so far? Oh marvelous, exhilarating.

It couldn't have happened at a better time.

That's true.

Ho-ho, they are running around out there like a bunch of dogs chasing a rabbit.

( laughing, speaking German ) If General Burkhalter thinks that Gruber can recapture those men, he is out of his head.

Could be.

There was never a successful escape while I was here at Stalag 13.

That's true.

You all packed, Colonel? All packed.

Tell me something.

How would, uh How would you like not to go? Not go? Mm-hmm.

Why, that's silly.

I'm a soldier, and I have my order.

It's my duty to go.

Well, if that's how you feel.

Yes, that's how I how I How can I get out of going? Please tell me.

Easy, Colonel, pull yourself together.

Don't slobber.

It's embarrassing.

Oh, I can feel the ice forming on my wings.

I don't even have a plane.

How can I get out of it, Hogan? How? Well, if you recapture the prisoners, Burkhalter might cancel your orders and reinstate you.

What? Help them? Of course.

You know how the prisoners think.

You'd know where to look for them.

I would? Mm-hmm.

You'd, uh You'd know that one of the men might hole up in a barn near the Hammelburg road.

Ja, ja, ja.

The second might possibly be in one of those caves, near the Barnsdorf Bridge.

Ja, ja? And the third, in a place so obvious they'd never think to look there.

In a haystack on the farm right outside camp.

Ja, ja, ja, ja.

If you're right, you save yourself from the Russian Front, and the expense of a colorful m*llitary funeral.

That I could do without! All right, do you want to do business with them? No, never.

It is a matter of principle with me.

General Burkhalter must learn his lesson.

Even if it kills you? So long, Colonel.

Happy landings, but don't count on it.

Don't worry about me, Hogan.

I'm not afraid.

I will survive this w*r, and, uh Go on, Colonel.

And I remember the first two, but where was the third place a prisoner might hide? Don't tell me you have no idea where they are.

It is your duty to know.

Now talk, Hogan.

How did they get out of the camp? They walked in their sleep.

Hogan! You played your little games with Klink, but it won't work with me.

Klink? If he'd been the command, this wouldn't have happened.

Ach! He understood our psychology.

Frankly, sir, I'm glad he's gone.

Are you suggesting that Klink would know where to look for these men? He might.

Impossible.

Shut up, Gruber.

Sometimes even a child knows how to do one thing expertly.

We all know what a big baby Klink is.

Colonel Klink, we were just talking about you.

Oh, excuse me.

Oh! General Burkhalter! I didn't know that you were What is it, Klink? Oh, I left my copy of Mein Kampf, uh, in the desk here, sir.

It should be of great comfort to me at the Russian Front.

Very handy for starting campfires.

Klink, I want to talk to you.

Gruber, dismissed.

Yes, sir? Klink, have you any idea where the escaped prisoners might be? Do I have any idea? Why, in a few minutes I could, uh, uh I could, uh, pick up my book and be out of here.

That's not an answer to my question.

Do you know where these men are, or don't you? I, uh, have a few ideas.

This is important, Klink.

I am not anxious to go to Bertesgarten and report this matter.

I understand, sir.

You capture these men, and I will tear up your transfer.

But But Herr General, I want to fly again in combat.

Up in the wild blue yonder at the control of my Heinkel Forget it.

We will do the best we can without you.

Yes, sir.

Uh, Herr General, uh, I have thought it over, and, uh, I accept your very kind offer.

Good.

Get started at once.

Yes, sir.

A reprieve, Hogan, a reprieve! Congratulations.

Hogan, in this life, we must always fight for what we want.

I thought I, uh, handled it rather brilliantly, didn't you? Believe me, Colonel, I couldn't have done better myself.

He's not in there, Herr Kommandant.

Well, he better be.

Then try again and keep trying.

Need some help? Stay out of this, Carter.

Carter! Hi there g*ng.

Comrade.

LeBeau! Wake up, LeBeau! LeBeau, wake up.

I'm tired, Schultz.

Come back for me in an hour.

An hour! Are you crazy?! You're an escaped prisoner.

Come on, come on SCHULTZ: Aha! Afternoon, mates.

Come-around time so soon, is it? Uh, you've heard me speak of Brunhilde.

SCHULTZ: Into the truck! Oh, some other time, perhaps, eh? Ta, ta.

A right old darling, eh, Schultzy? Into the truck! One, two, three, that's the last of them.

Nice work, Commandant.

Thank you.

They'll get 30 days solitary confinement.

I guess I'll have to protest to Burkhalter and tell him the whole story.

The whole story? Lie by lie.

Perhaps, uh, 30 days is a little harsh.

I'll work something out.

SCHULTZ: Colonel Hogan? Does that mean he won't go to the Russian Front and maybe freeze to death? Exactly.

Hmm.

That's what I thought.

Schultz, you're smiling.

It is not easy when your heart is breaking.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.