02x17 - The General Swap

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ANNOUNCER: CBS presents this program in color.

( theme song playing ) You got the plan all straight, Houlihan? Yeah.

You think it'll really work? It always has.

Yeah, a week from now, you'll be back in England.

Wait a minute, LeBeau.

That's too small.

Get another one, huh? Right, sir.

Colonel, but what happens when they find there's a prisoner missing? Oh, but there won't be.

You see, we've got a sh*t-down airman waiting to be smuggled in to take your place.

Thanks, LeBeau.

Ah, wunderbar.

This way, chum.

Good luck, Houlihan.

KINCH: Take it easy.

And remember, getting there is half the fun.

That's the 107th guy so far this year, Colonel.

Don't you ever wish it was you making that little trip back home? No, siree.

When I leave, I'm walking out right out that front gate.

And besides, I look terrible in a Tyrolian hat.

Here you are, chap.

Welcome to Stalag 13.

Hi.

Colonel Hogan.

Schultz is coming.

Achtung! Everybody, achtung, if you please.

Ho-ho! Ho-ho-ho! Wait a minute.

Who, what, what, what, who is this? What's the matter, Schultz? Don't you recognize good old Houlihan? Good old Houlihan? That is good old Houlihan? ( all agreeing ) ( laughs ) Good old Houlihan It's that prison camp diet.

Uh-huh, yeah.

( sirens blaring ) Hey, what's that? SCHULTZ: Wait, wait, hold it, hold it! Everybody back, back, back, back, back! No one is going outside.

Nobody looking outside.

Order of the commandant.

Why? Who's out there, Schultz? I will not tell you.

Once in a while, I have to be on our side.

Oh, let's look out the window.

No! No, no, no, no! Wait! Hold it! No, no, no, no, no, no! Nobody at the window! Nobody looking out.

I have my orders.

All right, Schultz.

Keep them away from the window.

Must be a new prisoner.

KINCH: Yeah, a big one to get treatment like that.

Yeah, but who? I think I'll find out from Klink.

SCHULTZ: No, no, no, no! All right, come on, fellas.

Break it up.

Schultz has his orders.

That's right! No looking! That's right, Schultz.

And don't worry.

Nobody saw the truck or the prisoner.

Good.

Truck? Prisoner? I know nothing! ( knocking ) Come in, come in.

Yes, Hogan, what is it this time? Another complaint? Yes, sir.

You see, the men feel Denied.

Hogan, I am much too busy today to be concerned with your petty little problems.

I understand, sir, it's just that the men are worried about you.

Worried about me? As you said, you've more important things to think about.

Hogan, wait, wait.

As commandant, it is my duty to be interested in the welfare of my men.

Now, what is it about me? Colonel, you have a wonderful record here.

Two years and not one escape.

That's something to be proud of.

You're proud of it and we're proud of it.

Naturally, naturally.

Thank you.

So? So it's just not fair.

Why doesn't the high command recognize your ability? Instead, all their attention goes to that Colonel Steuben at Kleinfeld Prison, and he's not half the officer you are.

Mm! Steuben at Kleinfeld-- he is nothing! Yeah, then why do all the important prisoners go there instead of here? It's a slur against you, sir.

And all of us are pretty unhappy about it.

Why, we want to know, why is our commandant being overlooked.

Why? It's just not right.

Mm-hmm.

So, uh, my prisoners feel that their good colonel is being overlooked, huh? Not so, my dear Hogan, not so.

The prisoners can relax.

My abilities are recognized.

Uh, by the way, did you notice the truck that just arrived? Truck? A truck came in? We were all so busy with our ceramics, sir.

Yes, there was a truck.

On it was a prisoner, an American officer.

All right, so they send you a second lieutenant.

Still, sir, a man with your record No, no, no, no, no! Not a second lieutenant, not a first lieutenant.

All right, a captain then.

Still, sir No, no, no, no.

Not a captain.

You're pulling my leg.

What could he be? Let me just say, Colonel, that you are no longer the highest-ranking prisoner in this camp.

No.

Not a general.

I won't say yes, I won't say no.

Just important enough for Field Marshal von Heinke to arrive here tomorrow at my invitation.

Now, we will be photographed together with the prisoner, in front of his plane, which was sh*t down.

( truck approaching ) Ah, and there it is now.

Who'd you say this American general was? That, my dear Colonel Hogan, you will find out tomorrow, along with the rest of the world.

I can hardly wait, sir.

I can't tell you what this will mean to our men, sir.

At last, they'll be able to sleep at night.

Congratulations.

Mm-hmm! They've captured a general.

Not just a general, that's General Barton.

Barton?! I've been on the radio to London.

General Barton, chief of all daylight bombing? No wonder they're taking pictures tomorrow.

What a propaganda plum for them.

London also wants us to spring him.

Spring a general? Oh, blimey, they know how to ask.

That's a flipping tough assignment.

If he was just an ordinary prisoner, maybe, but Wait a minute, LeBeau.

That's it.

If we could convince Klink that guy isn't Barton Hello.

NEWKIRK: That must be one of the crew from the general's plane.

LeBeau, see what you've got in your bag of tricks.

I need an insignia for an American general.

Right, Colonel.

Here, Colonel.

Thanks.

( Schultz speaking German ) Get out, get out, get out.

Hey, Schultz, who's your friend? No chitchat.

I have to take him to the commandant.

Oh, come on.

You can't take him to the commandant looking like this.

What are you talking about? Remember: name, rank and serial number.

That's all you tell him.

Shh.

SCHULTZ: No talking! Who's talking? I'm whispering.

And what have we here? Herr Kommandant, a new prisoner! Sound off.

General Aloisius Barton, United States Air Corps.

Did you say General Barton? Schultz! Impossible.

I knew you'd catch on, Colonel.

It's an old American trick.

All the fliers carry these insignia, in case they're sh*t down.

They pretend to be General Barton.

That way they get special treatment.

Nice try, pal, but I knew he'd catch on.

Too smart.

Hogan.

Did you say they all pretended to be Oh, don't tell me that other prisoner said he was Barton.

Oh, that's bad.

Probably just a sergeant.

I told the men you had a real general.

But he seemed so sincere.

And with the field marshal coming tomorrow to have his picture taken at your invitation with an enlisted man.

Look, you better get him out of here, whoever he is, before the Field Marshal comes.

But I must be sure.

Hogan, wait.

You would know a brigadier general in your own air corps.

You could identify him.

Well, I mean Come, let's see if he's real or not, and then you tell me.

If I can be of help, lead on.

( outer door clangs ) All right, Hogan-- is this General Barton? Not a chance.

What is all this? Nice try, pal, but the colonel here knows your not Barton.

He's going to take you out of this maximum-security cell and put you in with the rest of us.

Rubbish.

I am General Barton and I'm entitled to all the privileges of my rank.

And just who are you? This is Colonel Hogan, ranking officer among the prisoners here.

Hogan? Yes, I remember you.

You were the commanding officer of the 504th.

But, uh, that was quite a while back.

Hogan has been a prisoner here for two years.

Two years.

Had many escapes? No one has ever escaped from Stalag 13.

Colonel Hogan has been most understanding and cooperative.

Oh, so that's it.

Cooperative-- a sellout.

It's the duty of every officer to try to escape.

Hogan, you're a disgrace to the uniform.

Get this crummy traitor out of my sight.

Yes, Herr General.

Hogan! Now, Hogan, you can tell the good news to your men.

( sighs ) We really do have the real General Barton, don't we? Yep, that's General Barton, all right.

Generals.

He really gave it to the Colonel, huh? How would you feel? Two years in this stinking camp, breaking your back every minute to help other guys escape while you stay behind? And then your own general, who you're trying to help, calls you a traitor.

Hey, Colonel, another message from London.

Boy, have they been sweating.

"Arrange escape of Barton at any cost.

" Oh, they must be joking.

What, him in that special cell with all them ruddy guards? No, thanks.

Need I remind you we're still under orders? And this is an order.

But the field marshal's coming tomorrow.

That leaves just tonight.

There's no time for tunnels, no time for anything.

LeBEAU: It would seem, Colonel, that this time, there are just no more tricks left in the bag.

Well, it had to come to this, sooner or later.

Well, sure, we got by all this time without anybody getting hurt, but there's not one of us here that hasn't known inside that the day would come we'd have to lay it on the line.

Well, is that it then? A direct att*ck? Yeah, I wish there was some other way.

This time A lousy p*stol.

I'd rather swap it for a t*nk.

Wait a minute.

That's it.

That's it, what? A swap.

We'll give them a German general for an American general-- an even swap.

But, Colonel, we don't seem to have a German general in stock.

But we will have-- Field Marshal von Heinke.

When he arrives tomorrow, we capture him.

Us prisoners, of the Germans, are going to capture a German general? Exactly.

I knew you'd understand.

( soldier grunting ) ( grunts ) ( British accent ): A little present from the British commandos.

I'll handle the English accent, if you don't mind.

HOGAN: All right, give us a hand, come on.

Let's get him into the trunk.

LeBEAU: Why in the trunk? We want him inside the camp, don't we? Right.

Let them make the deliveries.

( tires squealing ) ( yelling in German ) General von Heinke has been captured by the British commandos! Sound the alarm! Get into formation! Schultz! Schultz! Release the dogs! I don't want to leave a stone unturned! ( dogs barking ) Schultz! KLINK: We'll show them a thing or two! I want every one of those commandos caught and brought into my office! Sergeant Schultz! Where is Sergeant Schultz? Get Sergeant Schultz! Sergeant Schultz! Get Sergeant Schultz! Where have you been?! On the Hammelburg Road-- he'll show you.

Let's go.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! ( shouting in German ) I said all prisoners in the barracks! Boy, they're sure in a stew over at Klink's.

I'll-I'll bet you half of the generals in Germany are there by now.

Kinch? Yeah, Colonel? How's our friend feeling? Oh, he's still out cold.

He'll never go for the swap.

He'll know he's still in Germany.

That's why we're going to fly him back to England.

Fly him back to England?! In what? In that.

Hi, Schultz! Halt! Who goes? Axis Sally.

Axis Sally?! How you doing, Schultz? Did they, uh, find the field marshal yet? Nein! But you shouldn't be outside.

Well, I'm sorry.

I just couldn't sleep worrying about him, that's all.

You know, Schultz, it's really too bad they didn't have somebody like you guarding him.

This never would've happened.

( chuckles ) If Schultz would have guarded him, nothing would have happened.

Eyes like an eagle, Schultz.

Just like an eagle.

Nothing gets past Schultz.

Nothing! SCHULTZ: I would like to see anybody try it.

Not me, Schultz.

Old eagle eye-- ( chuckles ) Not a chance.

Hey, you like chocolate? Hmm? Now and then.

How about a little bit for now then, huh? Yeah.

Shh! Shh! ( engines thrumming ) Hey, I think he's coming around.

Good, good.

What happened? Where am I? Who are you? Colonel Foster, Intelligence.

Yeah, we should be just about over the coast of Dover now.

Right.

Dover? England?! Uh-huh.

Yeah, there are the lights now.

Yes, indeedy, a beautiful sight.

( record scratching ) ( engine thrumming resumes ) All right, here we go.

Now raise your leg.

Up, up, up, that's it.

You'll pardon the blindfold, sir, but you understand-- this underground hangar is one of the most secret bases in England.

You don't have to explain.

All right.

Set up radio contact with Germany.

Inform them the field marshal's our prisoner.

Right, sir.

( sighs ) I think you'll be comfortable here awhile.

It's about what I would expect in an English camp.

We would never keep our prisoners in a pigpen like this.

Well, there is a w*r on, you know.

Gentlemen, this is most embarrassing.

In broad daylight I still think we should send a squad to look Shut up, Klink.

Right in the middle of Germany.

And not a trace of him.

Well, this never would've happened had I Klink, he could be anywhere by now.

Yes, Herr General.

Uh, General, may I suggest that we possibly Be careful you don't suggest yourself all the way to the Russian front.

Yes, sir.

Now make your rounds.

My rounds.

Rounds? Oh, yes, Herr General, I was just about to go to make my rounds.

Now, we have cut them off here, we have cut them off there, now we must block them here.

Very good, Herr General.

( British accent ): Contact ready with Germany, sir.

The Allied chief suggests we offer an exchange of this prisoner for General Barton.

Are they out of their minds? The Germans would never give up a big man like Barton for just a von Clanky here.

Von Heinke, Heinke, not Clanky.

All right, whatever.

It wouldn't work.

Who'd want to swap steak for a hamburger? Hamburger? Colonel, I am a field marshal.

I have the Iron Cross, First Class, the Goering citation and the Knight's Cross with Oak Leaves and Swords.

That Barton, hmph! Just another pilot.

I am von Heinke.

Yeah, well, whatever.

You will see.

They will insist on the exchange.

I will speak to them on your radio, personally.

Well, if you insist, be my guest.

Schultz! What is going on here? Herr Kommandant, I am watching the American airplane with the eyes of an eagle.

Dummkopf! What plane? That one.

That Schultz, do you have an explanation? Herr Kommandant, I will have to report, Herr Kommandant, that if it pleases Herr Kommandant Mm! This is another trick of Hogan's to embarrass me in front of General Burkhalter.

This is von Heinke.

I order you to make immediate arrangements for my exchange.

( whistling outside ) Where's Colonel Hogan? I don't know, sir.

Herr Colonel? Yes, what is it? You are wanted in your office immediately.

Communications has notified us that London is calling on the radio.

London? Huh! Field Marshal, would you mind repeating that again, just to be sure? I order you to make immediate arrangements for my exchange.

Those are my orders.

Carry them out.

Such a loud signal.

The English must have an excellent transmitter.

We have an excellent receiver.

HOGAN ( as Colonel Foster ): That was Field Marshal von Heinke.

May we have your reply immediately? I guess we have no choice.

That voice, I have heard it somewhere before.

Certainly, Dummkopf.

That's von Heinke.

KLINK: Herr General, the other voice, it Hogan.

that's Hogan! ( buzzer sounds ) Ooh, Hogan.

Sir.

One of my prisoners right here! Be right back.

Now, gentlemen, I'm convinced that something is wrong.

General Burkhalter, with all due respect to you, I think this could be a false message.

A false message.

Yes, sir.

Now, it would take me just one minute to find Hogan?! Yes? You thought he was on the radio? What are you doing here? Sergeant Schultz told me one of our planes was missing.

Klink, what is this? General, I still think it is possible that that message on the radio was not the genuine article.

NEWKIRK ( imitating Churchill ): Generals of the Third Reich, this is the prime minister speaking.

We offer you this exchange with the full expectation that you will comply in an honorable manner.

We in turn assure you that we will fulfill our part of the bargain.

We await your immediate reply in order that we may speedily affect this arrangement to our mutual satisfaction.

Notify communications, we accept-- unless, Colonel, you think that was Hogan, too? Any trouble with von Heinke? No, we took him out through the tunnel.

We left him with the underground.

They'll notify the Krauts where to pick him up, soon as Barton takes off.

He's so full of sleeping pills, he'll never know he never left home.

What time's London going to send the plane for Barton? Well, it's due to land any minute.

So that's the setup, General.

Maybe I shouldn't speak up like this, but well, I just wanted you to know how we all feel about Colonel Hogan.

And you can't put me in jail for it 'cause, legally speaking, I'm in jail already.

That's all, Newkirk.

Hogan.

Colonel Hogan.

( knocking ) Come in.

You wanted to see me, Colonel? Yes, Hogan, I do.

Now before I call General Burkhalter and start a thorough investigation, I want to ask some questions.

Aw, come on.

It's pretty late.

Can't this wait till tomorrow? Silence! I want some answers and I want them now.

What seems to be the problem? Hogan, does it not seem strange to you that a field marshal is kidnapped in the middle of Germany? That has bothered me, sir.

Mm-hmm.

And does it not seem strange to you that a captured airplane disappears and then reappears? Well, it has been rather windy, sir.

And does it not seem extremely strange to you that Prime Minister Churchill would drop everything to send a personal message? You're absolutely right.

Now, I'm going to give you exactly five You agree with me? Mm-hmm.

Now that you point it out, sir, I see what you mean.

This whole thing was rigged.

It was obviously an act.

Well, yes.

But you were smart enough to see through it.

Von Heinke was never captured.

No, he was never captured.

Von Heinke was getting too big.

He was obviously out for Goering's job.

Goering got wise, so he and his pal Himmler rigged this whole thing.

Himmler? Goering? I'm surprised at your courage, sir, in going through with this investigation.

I didn't think you'd do it.

I just wish I could be there when you come face-to-face with Goering and Himmler with your charges.

Yes, sir, a day to be remembered.

Get General Burkhalter for Colonel Klink.

He has an urgent report to make.

Cancel that call.

When General Burkhalter said the case was closed, he meant it was closed.

My hat's off to you, sir.

You put the country before yourself.

A scandal like this could destroy the Third Reich.

I just hope they appreciate you.

I know we do.

Oh, thank you, Hogan.