06x02 - The Experts

[bunniefuu]

( theme song playing ) * * WOMAN: Mmm Wunderbar.

Definitely wunderbar.

Wish Klink had a heater in here.

Do we really need one? Good thinking.

You know, this is the first time I ever made love in a colonel's car.

It won't always be like this.

No? No, sometime we'll make love in a general's car.

( car approaching ) I'll see you later.

Must you, Liebchen? Gestapo comes into camp, love goes out the window.

or in this case, the door.

Tomorrow night, same time? By all means.

Keep the motor running, huh? I do not appreciate being awakened in the middle of the night, Major.

You are talking to the Gestapo.

Is that any reason to You will cooperate or suffer the consequences.

Welcome to Stalag 13.

Don't worry about inconveniencing me.

I only require one hour's sleep a night.

SCHULTZ: Herr Kommandant, Herr Kommandant, the Gestapo is here! Thank you for informing me, Schultz, idiot.

Out! Dismissed.

I thought he would want to know.

Now, what can I do for you, Major? You have two men in your command-- Sergeant Holtz and Captain Metzler.

Ja, ja.

KLINK ( over radio ): They were just posted here.

Metzler is our new adjutant.

Where are these men? Holtz is on guard duty; Metzler was given leave.

Leave? Yes, one week.

He's due back in three days.

We will take Sergeant Holtz tonight.

Metzler will be arrested upon his return.

Major, may I ask why you want these men? They are being charged with organizing black market activities.

( scoffs ) They have not been here long enough to organize anything.

Black market activities Impossible! If you don't like that crime, make up one of your own! MAJOR: We may even implicate you, if you wish.

Nice of him.

Very obliging monster.

What's it all about, Colonel? No idea yet.

Let's get the periscope working, try to keep tabs on them.

Well, they found Holtz.

( rapid g*nf*re ) They sh*t him! One of our men? One of theirs.

Holtz! Why? That's a very good question.

All I want to know is, why the g*nf*re last night? Who did the sh**ting? One of our guards accidentally fired his r*fle.

I'm very busy, Hogan.

My duty is to protect my men.

If there's a trigger-happy guard, I want to know about it.

We don't have any trigger-happy guards here.

But I could use one, Hogan.

What are you trying to cover up, Commandant? Cover up what? All kind of rumors going around.

I'm not interested in rumors.

Not even about yourself, sir? Not in the least.

They do not concern me at all.

What are they saying? Well, one rumor has it that you're being transferred to the Russian front.

Last night, you tried to knock yourself off.

Now, why would I destroy a perfect w*r machine like myself? As a gesture to the world? Hmm! Obviously ridiculous.

The rumor about my su1c1de is greatly exaggerated.

Now, if you don't mind Another rumor has it that Sergeant Holtz was sh*t last night Who's Sergeant Holtz? by the Gestapo.

Who's the Gestapo? Who's the Gestapo? Hogan, do yourself and me one big favor: don't ask any questions.

Why not? And don't ask questions about questions.

Why'd the Gestapo sh**t Sergeant Holtz? Colonel, this one time, you're not going to get any information out of me.

I'm not? No, because I don't know anything, and as long as the Gestapo's here, I intend to keep it that way.

In that case, Commandant, you're dismissed.

Hogan! Out! Before I have you thrown out.

HOGAN: Condition normal.

He doesn't know anything, and he's scared.

Well, that's that.

C'est fini.

Not for me.

The Gestapo comes all the way from Berlin just to sh**t a sergeant? And has very nasty plans for Captain Metzler.

My instinct tells me there's something rotten in Germany besides h*tler.

I got to look at their personnel records.

Carter, you and LeBeau see if you can get the file on Holtz and Metzler.

Right, Colonel.

Right, Colonel.

LeBEAU: Morning, Fräulein.

Good morning, Schultzy.

What are you doing here? We've come to paint your file cabinet.

That's the one.

Who said anything about painting? Your pal, the commandant.

Mm, it's in bad shape.

Uh, try the next drawer, Louis.

Just a minute.

The commandant didn't mention anything to me about painting that cabinet.

Well, he doesn't always tell you everything, does he? He would be much better off if he did.

Yeah, because then he'd have some more things to blame on you.

Fräulein Hilda did the commandant say anything about painting that filing cabinet? I hear nothing, I see nothing.

You see, Carter.

Schultz, the commandant said he wanted the cabinet painted.

Now, all we're going to do is figure out how many cans of paint we need, and then we'll just go and we'll get the Please! Can't you look at me when I talk to you? I mean that's only common courtesy.

Has nothing whatsoever to do with the w*r.

Now listen to me, Carter.

Don't you come in here and try to give me and Fräulein Hilda lessons in courtesy! CARTER: No offense, big fella.

HILDA: Yes, we're always very polite.

I apologize to you, too, Fräulein, ma'am.

KLINK: What's going on here? What's all the noise? Herr Kommandant, I can answer this question with a question.

Ha! that's not unusual for you, Schultz.

Herr Kommandant, did you tell these men to paint that filing cabinet? KLINK: Well, it can't hurt.

Carry on but quietly-- I have lots of work to do.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! ( door slams ) "A lot of work to do.

" ( chuckling ): The new girlie magazines must be in from Paris.

All right! You big-sh*t painters, go and get the paint! All right.

Great.

Get these back.

SCHULTZ: Wait a minute.

Stop it.

What are you doing? Dusting.

It's all finished.

The office is nice and clean.

Danke-- Wiedersehen.

Wait a minute.

When are you going to paint the filing cabinet? Is it possible that he hasn't heard? You're kidding.

Right, Schultz? Klink changed his mind.

Yeah, he didn't want to spend the money for the paint.

He never told me.

He never said a word to me either.

Boy, you Germans can't get together on anything.

That's why it's taking them so long to lose the w*r.

It's so true.

I mean, that's true.

Auf Wiedersehen.

Metzler's a specialist-- radio-- assigned to the 32nd communications battalion, transferred here from headquarters in Berlin.

What about Holtz? Same transfer, Colonel.

And Holtz was a radio specialist, too.

Hmm.

Okay, what do we got? The Gestapo's after two guys.

What do these men have in common? They're both Krauts.

Andrew, you can't get sh*t for just that, even in Germany.

Both men are radio communications experts.

And they were both assigned to the same headquarters company in Berlin.

Check.

Think that was a coincidence, sir? Forget it.

At a time when the Germans need men at the Russian front and everywhere, they take two highly trained, healthy, intelligent types and post them to guard duty in a backwater sewer like Stalag 13.

I resent that, sir.

You know, in a way, this is home.

I'm sorry, Carter.

Sorry.

Somebody wanted these guys put on ice for sh**ting at a more convenient time.

Why? Their service records are clean.

Eh, I don't know.

These guys were into something.

They insulted the wrong guy.

They're radiomen-- might have overheard the wrong conversation.

One thing's for sure-- Holtz can't tell us.

You can bloody well say that again.

Metzler might tell us, if he's still alive.

No way to ask him, Colonel.

When he gets back from his leave, the Gestapo will grab him, and that's that.

sh*t while trying to escape.

( all talking at once ) Hold it, hold it! There's something in that record.

Metzler's a bachelor.

He's on leave, no place to go probably.

Where are the nearest girls? Heck, they're everywhere.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

You think he's in Hammelburg? Could be.

Baker, make contact with the underground.

Set up a meeting for tonight, huh? Right, Colonel.

You might have something there, sir.

There's no shortage of birds in Hammelburg.

Really, Newkirk? How would you know? You been sneaking out through the emergency tunnel? Who me? On my honor, sir.

On your honor, yes or no? With your permission, sir, I'd like to resign from this conversation.

All right, there she is.

Spread out, give us cover.

We try to keep an eye on all the officers of town.

It's a long sh*t.

I'm not even sure he's in Hammelburg.

What does Metzler look like? He's about 30, six feet tall, dark hair.

Dark hair Regular features, quiet, reasonably polite.

Ja.

( clicking ) ( telegraph signal beeping ) HOGAN: Come on, let's go.

LeBEAU: Here we go.

( men cheering ) It's your turn, Carter.

Go ahead.

Watch this.

Here we go.

Look at that.

( men cheering ) Come on, shorty, let's go.

LeBEAU: Yeah, I made it.

Got word on Metzler from the underground.

That's pretty good service.

It's 14 Gartenstrasse, second floor, girlfriend's apartment.

It's a nice way to spend a leave.

Well, some guys know how to live.

Yeah, but for how long? I could have you arrested and sh*t as a spy.

Take it easy.

How did you get out of the stalag? Ja, and in civilian clothes.

I get tired of that uniform.

Oh.

Karl, turn him over to the Gestapo.

That's a no-no.

You do not frighten me, Hogan.

Come here.

Across the street.

See the guy in the doorway? Ja.

He's one of mine.

Taught to sh**t by the RAF.

Anything bad happens to me, it also happens to you and baby doll.

Look, Metzler, why can't you understand? I'm trying to save your life.

In return for information.

They sh*t Holtz trying to escape; you're next.

You be the judge what's important.

He could be lying about Holtz.

I don't think so.

It is too easy to verify.

There was another man, a sergeant.

His name was, uh, Krebbs.

He worked with us.

He was sh*t by the Gestapo.

They said he was deserting.

Worked with you on what? How did you get out of Stalag 13? Who told you to come here? I can't answer those questions.

Then I have no answers for you, Colonel! All right, I'll break the rules, I'll lay it on the line.

We're stationed at Stalag 13.

What? That's where we fight the w*r; it's our base.

We operate as a sabotage and intelligence unit.

Fantastic.

Clever conception.

From inside a prisoner-of-w*r camp.

Yeah, it's fine, but tough to get life insurance.

Is Klink in on this? Are you kidding? Klink and his monocle are still fighting World w*r I.

Now give me the information.

I can save your life.

Don't tell me you have connections with the Gestapo, too.

Not that way, but I can get you to England.

( knock at door ) ( whispering ): Answer it.

Yes, who is it? WOMAN: Message for Captain Metzler.

HOGAN: Let her in.

We hate to barge in.

What's up? Give him the good news, love.

Gestapo men are going through the town looking for him.

They left this photograph with the bartender at the Hauserhof.

Believe me now? He could have gotten a picture of you anywhere.

It's a copy of the photograph from my personnel file.

NEWKIRK: And that means dead or alive, old chap.

They will trace him here in just a few hours.

And if you don't mind, sir, I'd like this place to be empty when they arrive.

There is a safe house I can take you to.

Okay, we'll move out.

Metzler, get your stuff.

Take enough clothing.

You won't be able to come back here.

No.

I stay.

I'm afraid not.

We're taking the bird? I had to say things in front of her.

Things? What do you mean, you told her about our operation? I had no choice.

Well, I hope you two like each other.

What does he mean? I now pronounce you inseparable.

Come on, quit stalling, Metzler.

Give us the answers, we can all go home.

You said you could get us out of Germany, to England.

You have my word.

Now start talking.

Your word, but no proof.

You want us to take a blood test? You have such excellent connections in England, prove it.

What do you want? A copy of the London Times.

Day after tomorrow.

With an advertisement in the personal notice section.

Uh, "Karl, Mother is very sick.

Please come home.

" And it must be signed "John.

" Is that bloody all? Maybe you'd like Churchill to deliver it personally.

Perhaps we could get Gracie Fields to fly over and sing it to him.

You've gone over the edge, you have, mate.

It is as I thought bluffing.

We're wasting our time with this lot, Colonel.

Let me do the Gestapo a favor.

Wait a minute-- hold it, hold it.

All right, Metzler, before you get your proof, we want a sample of what we're buying.

That's not unreasonable.

Listen carefully.

Holtz and I and others were installing the most important communications center in the world.

Now we're getting warmer.

And to keep it a secret they're k*lling the lot of you, eh? That's lovely, that is.

Ja.

I can locate it, describe it technically, tell you how it can be sabotaged.

Where is it? No more.

Until I see the London Times.

Thought I'd done everything in this w*r.

Now I'm delivering newspapers.

( telegraph signal beeping ) ( plane engine humming ) There it is.

Give them the signal.

Let's go.

METZLER: "Karl-- Mother is very sick.

Please come home.

" There it is.

You managed that in 48 hours.

Just a wave of my magic wand.

I'll take that as you finish with it.

He enjoys being homesick.

METZLER: I made a bargain, Hogan.

I'll stand by it.

One of you had better take notes.

Not here.

We'll go back to camp.

Back to Stalag 13? Luisa, get to Schnitzer.

We'll need his truck and a load of dogs.

Right, Colonel.

Are you mad? You'll need civilian clothes, ID papers and travel permits for both of you.

And you can tell us all about it while you get ready.

Go back there and then escape? That's the way we do it.

Travel to the coast and make contact with a Royal Navy sub.

He is lying, Karl.

They're working for the Gestapo.

It's a trap.

We will not take that chance.

We stay here.

Listen to me, Captain.

I've spilled my guts to you and your friend here.

I put our whole operation in great danger.

You've been calling the sh*ts, now it's my turn.

You go to England my way, or you die my way.

England's lovely this time of year.

If you don't mind fog.

I wish to speak with a Gestapo officer.

I will wait.

( softly ): Make him believe it, honey.

We've got to get the Gestapo out of camp.

Ja, I understand.

Major Stern speaking.

Who is this? I cannot give you my name, but I am a loyal German.

I have important information for you.

If you want Captain Metzler, you will find him at 14 Gartenstrasse.

Who is this speaking? Heil h*tler.

Nice touch-- "Heil h*tler.

" ( dog whimpers ) Mach schnell! I haven't all night! Don't worry, Schultz.

The w*r will go on without you.

Jolly joker.

Hey, Schultz.

What is it, Colonel? What do you want? Take it easy.

What are you doing out of the barracks?! HOGAN: I just want to ask you a question.

Um, how about using the colonel's car tonight, huh? SCHULTZ: Hilda, huh? HOGAN: It's a lonely w*r, Schultz.

( Schultz laughs ) Not the way you fight it.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, you can get me in a lot of trouble.

Let's see Here's one with coconut.

HOGAN: Oh, one with peanuts.

And how's some licorice for dessert? Ooh Who cares about trouble? Oh, you're a naughty boy sir.

Thanks for the compliment, sir.

It is located in a place called Zussel, in the woods a mile or so from the road.

One second, Captain.

Okay.

It is heavily guarded.

The code name is "Maybach.

" How do you spell it? M-A-Y-B-A-C-H.

There is Maybach One and Maybach Two.

Number one is OKH-- Army High Command.

Maybach Two is OKW-- h*tler's Command Headquarters.

All tactical orders are sent from these bunkers by radio.

What's the power source? A generating station about a quarter mile from the command bunkers.

Two main cables, uh, set in reinforced concrete channels at least six feet below the surface run from the power station to the command bunkers.

There is no emergency power plan because the generating station is set in a b*mb-proof bunker and can withstand the impact of your largest bombs.

It's a lovely fit.

Absolute dynamite.

And that's what they'll use to knock it out.

Here, code these and get them off to London right away, will you? Right, Colonel.

You had a great hunch about Metzler and Holtz.

Well, thank you, Baker.

You know, right from the beginning, I What's wrong? Hilda.

I left her waiting for me in Klink's car.

Well, business before pleasure.

This is business-- I invested three candy bars.

SCHULTZ ( nearby ): Herr Kommandant.

Herr Kommandant.

You think you should leave right now? I have an engagement in town, if you don't mind.

Now, where are my car keys? But Herr Kommandant, something important might happen and we need you.

What could I have done with those keys? Here they are, sir.

Why, thank you, Colonel.

Any time, sir.

Wait a minute.

Hogan.

What were you doing out of the barracks? Looking for your car keys, sir.

Hmm.

For once you have a good reason.

Dismissed.

Schultz, get me another car, will you? Another car?! And schnell.

Mustn't keep a lady waiting.