06x12 - The Big Broadcast

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( theme song playing ) North Star, repeat message.

Repeat message.

Interference on the line.

Over.

Newkirk, get out map book one, check Apple 42, huh? ( telegraph beeping ) Roger, North Star.

Papa Bear confirms message.

We will ( static increasing ) What is it? There's heavy traffic on the line.

Scrambling? No, it fades in and out like Papa Bear out! Why'd you sign off? Sounds like the radio detection unit picked up our signal.

Any chance they could've located our position? I don't think so.

We were off the air before they could get a fix on us.

Here's the assignment-- double red.

Double red! That means they want this one done so fast we're already late with it.

"Underground has vital information "that must be radioed to air intelligence tonight.

Make contact with Agent Hercules at Apple 42 at 1900 hours.

" See, Apple 42, that's the Garten road.

It's about 15 kilometers south of here.

We'll need transportation.

LeBeau.

LeBEAU: Hmm? What condition is Klink's car in? Well, what kind of condition would you like it in? Just bad enough to go in for repairs overnight.

Isn't it about due for its thousand- mile checkup? No, it just had one.

So we set the speedometer ahead and give it another one.

No, we had to set the speedometer ahead for the last one.

I think old Klink's getting suspicious.

May I suggest brake failure? Brake failure sounds good.

It's logical, and the car hasn't had one good brake failure since the last collision.

Brake failure it is.

LeBeau, get to work, and make sure the brakes don't.

We'll take over from here, Schultz.

Hogan, what is this all about? Thank goodness we caught you before you went anywhere in that car, sir.

We have already been somewhere.

Lucky man, sir.

Schultz, you should know better than to go anywhere with that car in that condition.

What's wrong with my condition? I'm referring to the condition of the car.

Boy, thank goodness, Colonel, we caught them just in the nick of time.

What is everybody so excited about? This car is fine! It may look fine, sir, but that car is a veritable deathtrap.

It's been over a couple of months since those brakes were checked, sir.

They could go at any time.

We'll get it in for repairs immediately.

Hogan, ever since you and your men have been taking care of my car, it's always gone in for repairs but never come out repaired.

It's not our fault you got a lemon.

Excuse us, Schultz.

I'll take the car from here, Schultz.

Schultz, park the car over there.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Raus! Raus! You're making a big mistake, Commandant.

No, you and your men are the mistake.

Now, look at that speedometer.

It has gone and that's just between here and the repair shop.

You know, sometimes you make me think you don't like our work.

Hogan, I have never liked your work.

And next week I'm going to get a real mechanic to keep the car repaired.

C-Commandant! ( car starts ) You want to get k*lled?! But the kommandant said I don't care what the commandant said! This car's unsafe! Now, I don't want you starting it up with me in it! Why don't you get out? And don't you dare touch the key, you understand? And that goes for you, too! Well, you're crazy to drive a car when the brakes sound the way they do.

They did not make any sound! That's what I mean-- not so much as a squeal out of them.

Why, you wouldn't even know you had any brakes, and you know why? Because you don't, that's why! And if you're smart, you'll let us push this to the repair shop right now.

You're right, boys.

You push the car and I'll steer.

Now you're using your head.

( car starts ) ( laughing ) I'm using my head much better than you do, boys.

( laughing ) I'm going to talk about four men, four men you just left out there with broken hearts, broken by your callous words.

What did I say? It's not what you said; it's what you did.

What did I do? And it's not what you did; it's the way that you did it.

All right, what did I do and how did I do it? All right, maybe they're not the best mechanics in the world, but they put their hearts into that car.

And what appreciation do they get from you? Tell them I said, "Thank you, thank you, thank you.

" "Thank you, thank you, thank you.

" Is that all the thanks they get? Those boys wanted to have that car of yours fixed for your big date in Hammelburg tomorrow night.

My big date in Hammelburg? With the new owner of the Rathskeller.

I understand she's a lovely young widow.

Well, I A lovely young widow, huh? I understand she's a very lovely young widow.

What would A very lovely young widow? A very rich, very lovely young widow.

She sounds very interesting.

Yes, and I imagine she's very lonely, too.

Hogan, there is no such thing as a lonely, lovely, rich young widow.

Well, ordinarily no, but remember, she's starting a new life in a new town.

She's got to be careful of the company she keeps.

She can't go out with just anyone.

No, she can't.

It has to be someone of importance, someone Like me.

Exactly.

Now, let us get those brakes fixed, sir, so you can drive into town tomorrow night and pay your respects-- good idea.

Hogan! Better idea.

You have the brakes fixed so I can go into town tonight.

Well, no, she works till 12:30, sir, she'll be all worn out.

Psychologically, tomorrow night would be much better, and it's her night off.

I suppose you're right.

Yeah, and there's going to be a full moon.

It would be a perfect night for a long drive in the country.

Yes.

You know what would go very nicely with a full moon? What's that, sir? An empty gas t*nk.

You are a wily old lech.

( laughing ) I'll see that it's done, sir.

Major Hochstetter's here to see you.

Tell Major Hochstetter I cannot be disturbed.

You will be disturbed, Klink.

Ah, what a pleasant surprise Save the bootlicking for General Burkhalter.

Klink, one of our radio detector units has picked up a transmitter in this area.

( chuckling ): A transmitter in this camp? Oh, come now, Major.

I did not say it came from here, Klink; it is somewhere around here, and I intend to find it.

But what has that got to do with me? I will need all the men you can spare.

Well, I You can spare a hundred.

A hundred? I may need more if they do not send me the troops I have asked for.

( phone rings ) Hello! Major Hochstetter here.

Ja, good, put him through.

Hello, Lieutenant, did you break down that message? Ja, good.

Lieutenant, go ahead.

Uh, just a moment, Lieutenant.

Klink, this is classified information.

I will have to ask you to leave the office.

Certainly, Major Hochstetter.

Would you like me to lock the door, sir? Ja, and close the windows, please, I don't want You, raus! No, me Hogan.

Me leaving.

Hochstetter's a pushy sort, isn't he? Hogan, I will not put up with this.

I am the commandant of this camp.

Forget it, Commandant, don't let it upset you.

Think about tomorrow night-- the long drive and the full moon.

The empty gas t*nk.

Schultz, bring the car up here.

Schultz, stop the car right here.

Pull it right up here.

( tires squealing ) KLINK: Stop the car.

Joy rider! Halt! Schultz! ( crash ) Pick up the commandant's car-- it's going in for repairs.

Something wrong? I think it's the brakes.

We'll know better once we get it off the porch.

Did I see Hochstetter's car come roaring in a few minutes ago? Yeah, one of his units picked up our signal.

Now we'll have radio detectors sitting right on top of us.

Do we scratch the mission? We got to.

Even if we get the information from Hercules, we can't transmit it.

Wait a minute! Air intelligence needs that information, and we've got orders to see that they get it.

Well, so it's a little tough, but when the pressure's on, that's when we're at our best.

And Colonel Hogan has always come up with an answer.

It's true, he always has.

And he always will.

You got any answers, sir? Not yet.

Well, you're you're probably trying too hard.

Stop thinking about it, sir, and just let it come to you, see.

And it will, sir, you'll see.

Just just come on now and relax and start thinking, boy sir.

Andrew, if you'd shut up, maybe he can.

Let's look at this problem logically.

What'd I tell you? See, he's come up with an answer.

Carter, I haven't thought of anything yet.

I really think we ought to pass on this one, sir.

We can't use the transmitter here and we can't take it with us.

Why can't we? Guess we could.

Then let's do it.

Why don't we? S-Sir? Did somebody come up with an answer? Carter, pay attention.

HOGAN: Plugs? Check.

All right, so much for the engine, now the dashboard.

Map light? Map light okay.

Headlights? Headlights okay.

Car radio receiver and transmitter? Car radio receiver It's gone! Gone? By golly, it is gone.

Hey, Schultz, where's the car radio? ( chuckling ) Please, don't think that I was eavesdropping.

We didn't think any such thing.

You were spying.

Yes, ordered by the commandant.

He wanted to be sure that you are working, and I hid in the back so not to make you nervous.

Well, we appreciate that, Schultz, but the two-way radio is missing.

Where is it? This car never had a two-way radio.

Well, it has to, Schultz.

That's standard equipment for all staff cars.

I mean, how would you contact the commandant if there was trouble in camp while he was away? There is never any trouble when he is away, and there was never any radio in the car.

No, there's not now, and whoever took it I expect got a very good price for it on the black market.

How much are two-way radios bringing now, Schultz? How do I know? Aw, come on, Schultzy.

We know you have friends in the black market.

That's not true! Well, "friends" is a bad word to use.

So is "black market.

" I know nothing about the radio.

Nothing! I believed him.

Ja, thank you very much.

After all, Schultz isn't the only crook around here.

Ja, there are many others.

And besides, he's responsible for the commandant's car, so if something's missing, it's his neck.

You got a point there, Carter.

An excellent point.

Mm-hmm.

Now, I swear to you, on my word of honor, the last time I saw the radio, it was right here in this car.

All we can do is start scrounging, see if we can come up with enough parts to build another one.

Build another one? Oh, sure.

Once Klink finds out it's gone, we're all going to catch it from him, especially you.

How do we get so many parts? Who knows until we look? If we don't, you can always buy that radio back from whoever you sold it to.

Kidding, Schultz, kidding.

We will station detector units one, two and three here, here and here.

Each unit will have a two-man escort.

Full battle gear, Major? Ja, and all the grenades and amm*nit*on the men can carry.

We are giving no quarter! Major Hochstetter, if you are not using my desk, there's some reports I have to finish.

Go right ahead, Commandant.

You can't work in all this mess.

Just push this trash aside, eh? I don't know what those papers are.

Those are the reports I have to finish.

Now, gentlemen, it is my firm belief that that message came from their main headquarters.

Just look at this wooded area and the terrain here, eh? Ideally suited for defense, Major.

Now, this is my plan: We will have a fairly large as*ault force make a frontal att*ck from here.

OFFICER: But that is exactly what they're set up for, Major.

We wouldn't stand a chance.

Ja, but the real att*ck will come from here and from here.

The first group will charge right into the teeth of the withering fire.

Those few who survive will hold where they are and keep them busy while our forces close in.

One question, Major.

Which group will make that frontal att*ck? Colonel Klink and his volunteers.

Who? Colonel Klink and his volunteers.

Since there is some risk involved, the men will have to volunteer for it.

So will Colonel Klink and I cannot tell you how disappointed I am that I'm not going to.

But I happen to have some very urgent business in town tonight.

( menacingly ): What kind of business? Prison camp business.

And if it were anything else, I would cancel it, so I would not miss that charge into the withering fire.

Fräulein Hilda, get Schultz and tell him to have the car ready at 6:00.

And tell him to tell Hogan if it is not ready, he'll be sh*t.

BAKER: Easy.

Perfect.

Okay, now hang this mike to that hook on the dash and we're in business.

Hey, it even looks like it belongs there.

Frankly, I'm impressed.

I didn't think we were this clever.

Now all we have to do is meet Hercules and send the message.

Doesn't look as if Schultz did too well.

What'd you find, Schultz? Oh, I went everywhere-- upstairs, downstairs, inside, out.

Oh, I haven't looked for food that hard.

What'd you find? I found there are no radio parts to be found in this camp.

Well, there aren't now.

What do you think of that installation job we did? You'd never notice the radio was gone, would you? It's a radio.

How did you do it? We found some odds and ends.

Here and there.

Here and there where? Maybe I can explain, Schultz.

You see, here is Colonel Klink's car.

Over there is Major Hochstetter's car.

We found there was a radio over there.

( snaps fingers ) Presto-- it's over here.

( chortling ) Colonel Hogan.

( guffawing ) ( laughing ): Don't tell me, Colonel Hogan.

Don't tell me whatever it was, because I know nothing-- nothing! I don't know why we're so good to you, Schultz.

I even keep forgetting that you're the enemy.

I tell you, boys, you were very nice to me; now I'm going to do a good turn for you.

Oh, what'd you have in mind? You don't have to work on the car tomorrow.

Why not? Because you're going to finish it tonight.

Tonight? The commandant would like to have the car fixed by 6:00 tonight.

But that's impossible, Schultz.

goes to the cooler.

For life! You know, Schultz, you're making it much easier to remember that you're the enemy.

Stop talking and start repairing something.

When I come back, I would like to see the car fixed, you understand?! Now what are we going to? We have not only not got a car; we have not got a radio to go along with it.

Under the circumstances, we'd better get our radio out of here, sir.

Not necessarily.

It's fine right where it is, although Klink isn't going to think so-- not with Hochstetter's bloodhounds combing the brush for a transmitter.

No, he just as soon be driving a crashing airplane.

Let's get going, start fixing things.

Everything's fixed, sir.

Well, then break something-- we got four hours to k*ll.

All units will be in their positions by 1900 hours.

It is now 1700 plus 30.

At 1800 minus ten, all leaders will open sealed orders and proceed as directed.

There will be radio silence maintained, and the men will speak to no one-- we do not want a leak at this point.

All units in position at 1900 hours.

Ja.

Oh I didn't think anyone was here.

The door was locked, so I assumed that It's funny that you would have Oh security-- of course.

I was just getting some papers from my desk, so you go right ahead with what you were doing.

Feel perfectly free to talk in front of me.

I'm on your side, you know.

I mean, it's my side, too.

We're both on the same side, so feel free to talk.

I'm on both sides.

Whoops, I didn't mean Klink, get whatever you need and get out here.

Hochstetter, I'm the commandant of this camp.

I would not brag about that, Klink-- your men are cowards! Now, just a moment.

Cowards! When I asked for volunteers for that as*ault force, every guard in this camp had night duty tonight.

Ah, that proves they're not afraid of the dark.

Is it usual that all of your men have night duty? There's a great deal of camp spirit here.

There has never been an escape, and it is a matter of pride.

Even when they're off duty, they're on duty.

Maybe they sensed something in the air, an attempted escape.

They are the ones that are doing the escaping, along with their commandant, I might add.

I told you how sorry I was.

So did all of your men! Very well, I will do this without you! If there is a transmitter within 20 miles of this camp, we will blast it to pieces before it gets off two words! I only hope I am in on the k*ll! Oh, good evening, Herr Kommandant.

The car is ready and waiting as ordered.

Excellent, Schultz.

It runs good? Oh, like new, Herr Kommandant.

Take the night off, Schultz.

I'm going drive myself into town.

Thank you very much, Herr Kommandant.

I hope you appreciate our promptness, sir.

We made a special effort to have the car ready on time.

I do appreciate it, Hogan, and in the future, I hope you show even greater effort, both you and your men.

Well, I wouldn't if I were you, sir.

It, uh, was really just beginner's luck.

I hope you have a good time tonight.

I intend to.

( radio playing music ) Uh, what is this music in the car? I was listening to the radio.

What radio? The car radio.

This car has no radio.

Then you already knew it was missing.

Should've known you'd catch that, sir.

I think you'll be happy with the one we've installed, sir, it's a fairly new transmitter with a range of about A transmitter?! Get it away! It's not going to hurt you, sir.

It's going to k*ll me, that's how it's not going to hurt me.

What are you talking about? That trigger-happy nut, Hochstetter-- he and his goon squad will be combing the area for a transmitter.

By golly, he's right.

We almost got our commandant sh*t.

Boy, would Hochstetter's face be red.

So would the commandant's uniform.

( all laughing ) That's not funny! No, it is not.

That's why I stopped laughing.

We weren't laughing at you, Colonel, we were laughing with you.

Shut up! Now, get the car out of here, get the radio out of the car and get yourselves out of here! Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Raus, everybody! Mach schnell, schnell, schnell, schnell, schnell! Raus! Raus, everybody! Raus! Okay, that's good.

Now for the final touch.

Fantastic-- you won't know yourself.

I can't even see myself.

Believe me, you're a very sinister-looking fellow.

Uh-huh.

Let's go.

Gentlemen.

( car starts up ) ( whistling first bars of "Yankee Doodle" slowly ) ( someone whistles corresponding bars ) Well? No sign of him.

Well, keep looking-- maybe Baker Nah, I just saw Baker.

What about Newkirk? Baker'd seen him-- no luck.

LeBeau? I haven't heard from LeBeau.

( LeBeau shouts, grunts ) ( men grunting ) I think I found him, sir.

I'm Papa Bear.

I'm Hercules.

You must get this message to headquarters.

Wessingen is the main target.

Rocket factory is three miles north of the town.

It will look like an orchard from the sky.

Wessingen, three miles north of Hammelburg, looks like an orchard.

Where's the final assembly and ship-out done? There's a fishing village, Bohnhorst.

It's ten miles up from Götenfeld.

They use a cannery for assembly and send them out by U-boat.

Good.

Let's go.

GUARD: Heil h*tler.

Heil.

Find anything, Herr Colonel? Found everything.

This is what's left, but not for long.

Tell all the units they can go home.

Jawohl, Herr Colonel.

And cut your radar-- I have to radio headquarters.

Close down, Müller! Good work, sir.

Danke, Sergeant.

Uh, I'm a corporal.

Turning down the promotion? Promotion? No, sir.

Thank you, sir.

This is Colonel Hoganmeyer calling headquarters.

HOGAN ( over radio ): We found the underground agent with vital information on the rocket factories and shipping.

He even knew of the factory three miles north of Hammelburg that looks like an orchard.

No.

Yes.

And, uh HOGAN ( over radio ): A fishing village, Bohnhorst, where they assemble the rockets and ship them out by our U-boats.

No! Yes.

I'm getting too old to be a prisoner of w*r.

I wonder if our commandant got into town.

Schultz said he took the motorcycle with the sidecar.

Well, I hope he has a good time.

What does this lovely young rich widow look like? Well, I'm not even sure she's rich.

Well, a lovely, young widow is good enough.

I really don't know if she's lovely.

A young widow is still worth taking a chance on.

I'm not even sure she's young.

All the paper said was the Rathskeller was purchased by Frau Bertha Hagenfassel.

Bertha Hagenfassel! I see a woman about four feet, six inches tall when she's standing on her hind legs.

Come on, don't be fooled by a name.

( vehicle approaching; tires squeal ) It's a motorcycle.

It's heading this way in a hurry.

( tires squealing ) In a big hurry.

Commandant Klink.

A little late to be calling, isn't it? What I have to say cannot wait until tomorrow.

What's that, sir? Thanks.

And thanks from Bertha.

WOMAN ( outside ): Hurry, darling, it's cold.

KLINK: Coming, Bertha! Hogan, you're the best enemy a man ever had.