06x18 - To Russia Without Love

[bunniefuu]

( theme song playing ) * * Who's that officer? Never saw him before.

What's he look like? A Luftwaffe colonel.

Why don't we all write down who we think he is, put some money in a hat, and then whoever guesses right wins the money? I say he's here to arrest Klink for impersonating an officer.

I say he's Hilda's hairdresser.

No.

He designs corsets for Hermann Goering.

I think he's You're all wrong.

He's Klink's former copilot.

You can tell from the limp.

LeBeau, turn on the coffeepot.

Colonel Klink, I am Colonel Becker.

KLINK: Ah, it's a great pleasure to meet you, Colonel Becker.

( chuckling ): You know General Burkhalter, of course.

Of course.

Ja.

General.

Good to see you again, Colonel.

( chuckles ): Won't you sit down, sir? Thank you.

Uh, Colonel Becker, would you care for a cigar? Mmm.

We do not have such fancy cigars on the Russian front.

Oh, these are the first cigars I've had in a month.

Things are tough all over, Klink.

Ja, ja.

Uh, General Burkhalter tells me that you are the commandant of a POW camp, just like me.

BURKHALTER: Not like you.

He knows what he's doing.

( nervous chuckle ) The general has a delightful sense of humor.

But I'm sure that, uh, even Colonel Becker knows my perfect record.

Not one prisoner has escaped from this camp.

It is hard to dig a tunnel when you're holding your sides laughing.

Burkhalter's hot today.

BURKHALTER: you have a special assignment.

BECKER: I'm on my way to Berlin to deliver General Krauss's plans for our new offensive at Stalingrad.

Who had "secret courier" in the Kraut pool? Uh-oh.

Here comes Schultz.

Wouldn't you know, just when we're getting to the best part.

Colonel Hogan, Colonel Klink wants to see you in his office.

What's he want, Schultz? I know nothing.

Yeah, um you sure? I'm sure.

I know nothing.

Sir, I think Schultz here is one of those sterling gentlemen who cannot be bought.

Mm-hmm.

That's not true.

Every man has his price.

And that's my price.

I thought Colonel Becker could tell Hogan about our advances on the Russian front.

Do you think it's a good idea to give him that information, General? It is very good for prisoners' morale.

It destroys it.

( laughing ) Herr Colonel.

Colonel Becker, this is Colonel Hogan.

Colonel.

Colonel Hogan, would you do us the honor of joining us for dinner tonight? It would be my pleasure, General.

Colonel Becker is going to tell us the truth about the German army's glorious campaign on the Russian front.

Why k*ll all your appetites? May I pour the wine, Herr Kommandant? Ah, yes, you may, Schultz.

Thank you.

And Schultz? Yes, sir? You have gravy stains on your serving jacket.

Sorry, Herr Kommandant.

It must be from the chateaubriand.

You were eating the officers' food? Only in the line of duty, Herr General.

I always taste the food prepared by the enemy.

If they give you a m*llitary funeral, General, it won't be from the chateaubriand.

It won't be from the cherries jubilee, either.

Just serve the wine, Schultz.

Jawohl.

Would you like to test it, Colonel? Of course.

Mmm.

Interesting little wine.

A little bit on the tart side.

Uh, LeBeau, you're a wine connoisseur.

You want to taste it? Of course, Colonel.

LeBEAU: Si.

Mmm.

It is on the sharp side.

A rather impudent little wine.

Oh.

I'm going to taste it.

Good idea.

It'll wash down the chateaubriand and the cherries jubilee.

Ah! It's not a great year, but, um a good year.

Just serve the wine, Schultz.

Yes, sir.

General Burkhalter.

Thank you, Schultz.

It's not our best.

Oh? Just serve the wine, Schultz.

Herr Becker.

Thank you.

Go to the wine cellar and get another bottle.

I'm sorry, Herr Kommandant, but but this is the last bottle in the case.

I could have had a whole glass if you hadn't tasted it.

Come, Klink.

I will choose another bottle from your cellar.

I'd like to see how you rough it at Stalag 13.

Could you excuse us, Colonel Becker? Of course.

I will keep the meat warm in the kitchen.

To your health.

No, no, to to your health.

Mmm.

Now, this is an excellent wine.

How are things in downtown Siberia? Not like this.

We don't serve wine.

If you served it at room temperature, you'd wind up with a Beaujolais popsicle.

( laughing ) When I punish a prisoner, I don't send him to the cooler, I send him to my quarters.

It's a shame you don't have Colonel Klink's setup.

He'd turn down a transfer to the Riviera.

I understand you have a rather good situation yourself.

Me? Just a country boy sweating out the w*r.

You are too modest, Colonel.

From your Gestapo dossier, I would say that you run the camp, and Klink is your prisoner.

Those boys at Gestapo headquarters are much too kind.

You could be of great help to me.

In what way? I would like to transfer from the Russian front to Stalag 13.

( sighing ) German personnel assignments are a little out of my line.

Think about it.

I might make it worth your while.

I picked out a fantastic Pomar '37.

Ja, ja, it was my last bottle.

Pour, Schultz.

Jawohl, General.

( sighing ) You clumsy clod! Sorry, Herr Kommandant.

'37 was a great year for wine, bad year for glass.

Ah, there's something peculiar about this Colonel Becker.

Because he wants to leave the Russian front? He'd be a lot more peculiar if he wanted to stay there.

No, he wants to transfer here to Stalag 13.

Now, that's what I call peculiar.

I think he was trying to negotiate with me.

Why don't you make him a deal? You'll swing his transfer if he gives us a look at those papers.

I think that's the deal he was trying to make.

With your ingenuity, sir, you could persuade Burkhalter to get Klink and Becker to trade commands.

Burkhalter would never go with that trade.

How about throwing in Schultz and two vicious guard dogs? The whole thing doesn't smell right.

But it is a lovely way to get a peek at those secret papers.

I got a better way.

I still like the other way better.

What other way? Where you use your ingenuity to switch Klink and Becker, and we're not out here waiting to get sh*t.

Here comes Becker.

All right.

( whispering ): Newkirk.

Good evening, Colonel Hogan.

Uh, good evening, Colonel Becker.

Oh.

Allow me to introduce, uh, Corporal Newkirk.

Pleased to make your acquaintance, sir.

I'm surprised at you, Colonel.

From your reputation, I thought you'd be a little more clever than this.

Told you the Gestapo had me overrated.

Don't sell yourself short, sir.

If you're so anxious to get those secret papers, I'm still willing to make a deal with you.

You want me to try to get you transferred here.

Exactly.

And you have 48 hours in which to do it.

And if I don't? Then I will have you sh*t.

You drive a hard bargain.

So would you if you were stationed in Russia.

( sighing ): All right, it's a deal.

Uh, Colonel Hogan.

Briefcase? LeBEAU: It's a cold morning today, huh? Yeah.

( scatting ) You want some coffee? Oh, yes, please, LeBeau.

And a couple of eggs, over-easy, right? A little bacon, crisp.

And a couple of muffins, nicely toasted, maybe some, uh, apricot marmalade.

Hey, and see if you can find a kipper or two, will you? You're trying to tell me something.

You're facing a f*ring squad, and this is your last meal.

I've got to get me strength back, ain't I, Louis? That was a very harrowing experience looking down the barrel of that Luger.

Carter.

Check on Becker? Uh, yes, sir.

He's spending the morning in town with Burkhalter.

Good.

Thanks, LeBeau.

Welcome.

Gentlemen, I've reached a decision.

We got to sell out Klink.

Oh, what a shame.

Yeah, couldn't happen to a nicer guy.

I worship the ground that's coming to him.

I mean, get him transferred.

You're kidding.

That information Becker's carrying could change the w*r.

What about our operation here? It's not gonna be easy.

With Becker in Klink's place, it's gonna make it tougher.

Yeah, you got to get up early in the morning to fool him.

Yeah, with Klink, you could sleep till midnight.

Sir, you're never gonna get Klink to the Russian front.

Oh.

What makes you so sure? Well, for a starter, he'll never survive the heart att*ck he's gonna have when he gets news of his transfer.

And if he does, the Germans would never send him.

Why not? Well, it's not a good image for a commandant to be marched to the front at gunpoint.

That's why we got to get Klink to request the transfer.

Well, for that, you'll need a ruddy ventriloquist.

For that we need Olga Meisner.

The girl who works for the underground.

Why Olga? Because she's a good agent, speaks Russian and has great legs.

Excuse me, Colonel.

Hogan, I am busy.

I do not wish to see you today.

As a matter of fact, I do not wish to see you any day.

Since we're being honest, I'm not too thrilled at seeing you, either.

I was looking for Colonel Becker.

He and General Burkhalter are in town.

Dismissed.

I wanted to thank him for a delightful evening.

Why thank him? It was my wine.

He told all those funny stories about the Russian front.

German troops are eating their cartridge belts, marching in snow up to their waists, fighting night and day in raging blizzards.

You call those funny stories? I laughed.

Dismissed.

You're not gonna believe all that stuff, are you? I do not wish to discuss it.

Well, I happen to know that your German officers are fraternizing with the beautiful Russian women.

The vodka is flowing like the Bulga.

There are parties every night.

They're having a ball.

Ha.

German officers do not fraternize with Russian women.

( chuckles ) I can see they sucked you in like everybody else.

Hogan, anyone returning from the Russian front tells the same stories as Colonel Becker.

Of course.

When you got a good thing going, you don't want to blow it.

Freezing in the winter is not a good thing.

That's the propaganda.

The truth is, all the German officers are buying into the ski resorts around Stalingrad.

That's ridiculous.

It's Sun Valley with borscht.

Hogan, you must imagine that I'm some sort of fool.

If you're smart, Colonel, you'll take your next furlough at Minsk.

I wouldn't go to Minsk if you put a g*n to my I am Olga Hertzikoff.

Oh.

Come in, please.

( chuckles ) I am looking for Colonel Becker.

Oh, Colonel Becker's in town, but he should be back any moment.

Won't you sit down, please? Oh, I can only stay a few moments.

Oh.

Are you a close friend of the colonel's? Like blintzes and sour cream.

You can't get much closer than that, sir.

Dismissed, Hogan.

When did you say my little bublishkibble will be back? Oh, he should be back any time.

Ah.

I must go to hotel and pack.

We go back to Russia in the morning.

Is that where you met the colonel? Da.

His officers' club is next door to my father's farm.

I am the farmer's daughter.

Well, are there any more at home like you? Da.

I have beautiful twin sister.

I show you her picture.

Mm? Mm-hmm.

HOGAN: Oh, I didn't know they had beauty contests in Russia.

Oh, every Saturday night at officers' club.

Mm.

You were right, Colonel.

It is a dull bore at the Russian front.

You say it's dull? Hmm.

I'll show you more pictures.

Mm.

This one is at the ski lodge.

What's that in the cups? Hot buttered vodka.

I don't seem to be able to find Colonel Becker.

Ah, he is sitting behind General Bergett.

Ah.

And this is General Kissinger and General Kreisel, General Mittendorf, and this is General Sockheim.

Yeah, they certainly have a lot of generals there.

Da.

Promotions are so easy.

And now you can see why Colonel Becker painted such a grim picture of the Russian front? You know, I think the general's staff should know about this.

They already do.

They're all sitting there, drinking hot buttered vodka.

I must go now.

Oh, are you sure you can't stay? No.

I want to get back to town before the shops close.

Yeah.

I need a new bathing suit.

Oh.

There's nothing wrong with the old one.

Oh, they wear out so quickly in the hot springs.

Hot springs? Da.

After we ski, we all jump in the hot springs and drink hot vodka from floating bottles.

Oh, it's so relaxing.

It's so enjoyable.

You must send me to the hot springs uh, Russian front.

First I send you to the base psychiatrist.

Believe me, General Burkhalter, I've been thinking about this for a long time.

Hogan! It's out of the question, Klink.

But General Burkhalter, as a German officer, I feel I have not made any contribution to the w*r effort.

For a change, I agree with you.

And I feel guilty, being here behind the lines, living in these beautiful quarters, eating chateaubriand, drinking Pomar '37.

You're all out of Pomar '37.

You spend one winter in Russia, and you would freeze to death.

Believe me, General Burkhalter, I'll find a way to keep warm.

Klink, this whole idea is ridiculous.

But General Burkhalter, I We need soldiers on the Russian front, fighting men.

I never thought I'd ever hear anybody talk to you like that, sir.

I think General Burkhalter was pulling my leg.

Speaking of legs, there goes your chance to meet Miss Karkhoff.

Oh, please, Hogan.

Unless of course you were to show General Burkhalter the real you.

Who's the real me? Old "Blood and Guts" Klink.

Who is that? It looks like I don't believe it.

General Burkhalter.

Colonel Becker.

BURKHALTER: Klink, I thought the officers' costume party isn't until Saturday.

This is not a costume.

This is the real me.

HOGAN: Colonel Klink, we haven't received our Red Cross packages this week.

Go tell it to your chaplain.

According to the Geneva Convention In this camp, we go by the Klink Convention.

General, are you gonna allow that? Colonel Klink runs the camp his way.

Hogan, I would like to inform you that I've ordered land mines planted outside the barbed wire.

Any of your men attempting to escape will be blown up.

But Colonel Klink, don't you have some of your guards patrolling outside the camp? If they can't be careful, it's none of my concern.

But your own men could be k*lled.

In w*r, you win some, you lose some.

Frankly, Klink, I never knew you were so ruthless.

I come from a long line of ruthless Klinks.

Perhaps I was too hasty.

You may be just what we need on the Russian front.

I'll be glad to help him pack.

I'll get your suitcase, Herr Kommandant.

Get one for yourself.

For me? I wouldn't dream of leaving without you, Schultz.

Force yourself! Colonel Becker, I will arrange for you to be the new commandant of Stalag 13.

I serve where I can do my best for the Fatherland.

General Burkhalter, if you will excuse me, I would like to go to Hammelburg.

Of course.

I know you have some shopping to do.

I have to buy a bathing suit.

A bathing suit? For Stalingrad? ( all chatting ) ( clearing throat ) ( chatter stops ) I would like to see Colonel Hogan.

LeBeau.

( speaking German ) poker? Colonel Becker.

Ah, Colonel Hogan, congratulations.

You did a magnificent job.

It's all in a day's work.

Still, the Gestapo doesn't give you enough credit.

Well, I wouldn't say that.

You got to remember Klink is pretty easy.

It's quite an achievement to get a German officer to beg on his hands and knees to go to the Russian front.

I happen to know Klink's weaknesses.

Now, what about those papers? What papers? The secret papers in your briefcase.

Oh, these papers.

I'm afraid I can't give them to you.

Why? Because you are so clever, I'm sure you would find a way to get them to England.

You did make a deal.

Well, if you believed that I would go through with that deal, then you are not quite as smart as I thought.

I'm about to send these off to Berlin.

In other words, Colonel, you're double-crossing us.

Precisely.

And, as your new commandant, I assure you I will find out exactly how your operation works.

No problem.

We'll be happy to show you how it works.

Wouldn't we, fellas? Oh, we certainly will, sir.

The first thing is, this is our tunnel.

And this is my arm.

And this is This is how we get people to England.

( Becker grunting ) I do hope you like fish and chips.

( Becker grunting ) What about Klink? We got to keep him from going to Russia.

Yeah, but Burkhalter now thinks he's a great soldier.

We created the monster; we'll destroy it.

Come on.

We've got work to do at the motor pool.

I cannot understand where Colonel Becker is.

He may have been delayed in town.

But I wanted to formally have you give over the command to him.

I will send him a letter.

Well, look, General Burkhalter, I'm very anxious to get started.

HOGAN: General Burkhalter, we'd like to say good-bye to Sergeant Schultz and Colonel Klink.

Yes, of course.

Good luck, Schultz.

Thank you, Colonel Hogan.

Let's hear from you, Schultz.

I'm sure you can get one of the nurses to write the card.

Good luck, Colonel.

Thank you.

I imagine they'll be dancing in the barracks tonight when Old "Blood and Guts" is gone, huh? To be honest with you, we'll kind of miss you, sir.

So it goes.

You win some, you lose some.

Attention! Good-bye, General Burkhalter.

Good luck, Klink.

Thank you.

Forward! There goes one of the great soldiers.

It's Bismarck all over again.

Potshot Schultzy.

Bye! They're coming this way.

( screaming ) ( crashing ) Oh! Klink, are you hurt? ( screaming ) ( crashing ) Come on.

Schultzy, come on.

( Schultz grunting ) Easy now.

You all right? Come on.

Are you all right, General Burkhalter? Yes, but no thanks to you and that idiot Schultz.

If you don't mind, I would like to get another motorcycle.

I must get started.

Klink, you are not going anywhere! But General Burkhalter, I BURKHALTER: You heard me! If I send you two clowns to the Russian front, I would be sh*t for treason! Wanted to see me, Colonel? Yes, Hogan.

I just wanted to inform you that General Burkhalter has definitely ordered me to stay on as commandant.

What happens to that nice Colonel Becker? When we find him, he'll be sent back to the Russian front.

HOGAN: Well, I just saw him outside the wire checking the placement of your mines.

( loud expl*si*n ) One of my mines went off.

Just where I saw Becker standing.

You mean Mm-hmm.

Poor Becker.

What am I going to tell General Burkhalter? Just tell him that's the way it goes.

You win some, you lose some.