06x12 - Divorce Story

[bunniefuu]

Jason: Well I loved it, and I generally don't like musicals, right Maggie?

Maggie: Oh you loved La Cage au Folles.

Jason: Yeah, but that wasn't for the music; I like men in dresses.

Maggie: Jason!

Carol: Don't anybody look, but that cute waiter has been staring at me all night long.Oh my God, here he comes...here he comes.Shh.

Waiter: If you need anything else, anything at all, just whistle.

Jason: It's the hair cut.

Mike: Hey, maybe you should get yourself a flat-top, Carol.

Carol: Can we just finish our desserts and go home please.

Maggie: Oh, don't talk like that honey.You just saw the hottest play on Broadway.

Wally: Oh, that what it was?

Urma: You didn't like it!

Wally: It blew.

Jason: Well I thought it was fascinating.

Wally: You got some drool on your lip.

Jason: Maggie, help me out here.Why do I even bother?Coffee!

Maggie: Oh, honey, you don't need any more coffee.

Jason: No, I don't need it, I want it.

Maggie: Too much coffee and your up all night, and neither one of us wants that.Honey, you know what I mean.

Jason: No, that's fine, Maggie, that's fine.I wouldn't have more coffee now if you begged me.

Urma: Well, I don't know why you even go to the theatre.

Wally: Well, because you make me.

Ben: It wasn't so bad.I liked the girls in the shower scene.

Carol: They were wearing tights, you little perverts.

Ben: They were?Oh, look, Wally's right, this play blew.

Jason: Alright Mike, you're the drama student, what did you think?

Mike: Well, they were pretty realistic tights, Dad.

Urma: Well, you could have at least tried to enjoy it for me.

Wally: Well I did try.I snuck in beers and everything.

Urma: I'm serious.

Wally: Well, fine, you wanna talk serious; why don't you try enjoying the things I like?

Urma: I'm sorry, I don't like making sausage at home.

Wally: Yeah, but you sure enjoying eating it.

Urma: Don't you raise your voice to me!

Maggie: Wally, Urma, please, people are staring.

Wally: What?You never been ragged on by a wife before?

Maggie: Oh, hi Margot.Everything OK?

Maggie: Oh, good.mar Oh, Carol, some guy called for you.

Carol: Right, even the babysitter makes fun of me.mar I'm serious.

Ben: Hi, I'm Ben Seaver.I don't believe we've met, and in two years I should out-grow this goofyness.

Jason: Ben, go to bed.

Ben: You bet I will.

Jason: Ben!

Maggie: Here you go, Margot.And Doctor Seaver will give you a ride home.

Jason and Maggie: Good night.

Mike: Good night.

Jason: Ah, to be young again.

Maggie: Oh, honey, you're not that old.

Jason: Ha.I wasn't talking about me.

Maggie: What?

Jason: I wasn't talking about you either.

Maggie: Yes you were...

Jason: No, you're so young...

Maggie: You're always doing this...

Maggie: Got you!I got you!

Jason: Oh, stop, stop, stop.

Maggie: Oh, Jason.

Maggie: What, are you afraid of a little tickle?

Jason: Oh, you're hurting me.

Jason: No, I'm afraid you're gonna crush my legs.

Maggie: Oh, honey, you're asking for it.

Jason: Yeah, in my own special way.

Maggie: Oh, you're kind of cute when you're stupid.

Jason: Oh, yeah, then this is gonna be...crazy.

Maggie: Has our marriage really come to this?

Jason: I think quite a while ago.

Maggie: Oh, but you're so frisky tonight.

Jason: Well, I just treated my family to a wonderful evening of theatre and dinner, it makes a man proud.

Maggie: Oh, honey, I don't think your mom and Wally had so much fun.

Jason: Yeah, I sensed a little tension there.

Maggie: Tension!They were ready to rip each other's spleens out.

Jason: Yeah.Ha ha ha.

Maggie: You're happy about this, aren't you?

Jason: No, no, I'm not happy, Maggie.I'm just kidding around.I mean, if I thought that my mother were ever gonna be hurt, if ever there were any real problems there with her, well, I don't know, I don't know what I'd do.

Maggie: You know, honey, Wally really is a pretty good guy.

Jason: Yeah.Well he's not good enough for my mom.

Maggie: Well who would be?

Jason: My Dad...rest his soul.(Phone rings) Hello.Oh, hi Mom.Yeah, no, we were just getting ready...Huh?Tonight?OK, no, I'll be right there.Alright.Bye.

Maggie: What is it?

Jason: She's leaving Wally.

Maggie: What?

Jason: She wants me to come right over and pick her up.Maggie, this is terrible.

Maggie: Oh, honey, what are we gonna do?

Jason: Let's make love.

Maggie: What's that got to do with anything?

Jason: Why not just say yes, and I'll find a way to tie it in?

Maggie: Oh.

TV: This concludes our broadcasting day.Stay tuned for the National Anthem by Miss Rosanne Bar.

Maggie: That was close.

Urma: Well, let's see how he survives on his own.Let's see what he does without his clean underwear.Let's see if he can find his teeth.

Jason: Oh, Mom, you're exaggerating.I'm sure Wally won't have any trouble finding his teeth.

Maggie: Urma, this may not be my place but it was just an argument in a restaurant.

Urma: It wasn't just this argument.Don't you ever have a moment where it occurs to you that you're married to the wrong person?Maggie and Jason: Oh, it's only natural.

Maggie and Jason: Oh, it's only natural.

Urma: Well, it just points out that we have absolutely nothing in common.

Maggie: Oh, Urma, well you're welcome to stay here and live here with us as long as you want to.

Urma: Two days should do it.

Maggie: Pardon me?

Urma: Well you people act as if I'm headed for divorce.

Jason: Oh, I...I...I'm confused.

Urma: What's confusing?Two days on his own will teach him that life's not so bad on a short lease.

Maggie: So, you're not splitting up!

Urma: It hasn't been all bad.And the romance department is...quite nice.

Jason: Oh Mom, please!

Urma: Oh, my marriage would be perfect if only I could get him to change...completely.

Maggie and Jason: Oh, I hear you.

Urma: Oh, Jason, could you do me one more favour dear.

Jason: Yeah, name it.

Urma: Well, I've packed a couple more bags back at the apartment, for the dramatic effect.When you're in the city tomorrow, could you pick them up for me please?

Jason: Yeah.

Urma: I think when he sees you pick them up, that will put a twist in his lower tract like a Bovarian Pretzel.Good night all.

Maggie: What a lovely woman.

Jason: Well you have to put this in perspective, Maggie.I mean, she's so sweet that she can't admit the truth...she has to repress it.

Maggie: Oh, and what truth is that?

Jason: That she should be rid of that guy, right now.That the memory of him should be erased from all of us.

Maggie: Well maybe I should be the one to go pick up the suitcases.

Jason: Oh, you think I can't be objective!

Maggie: Yes.

Jason: You misjudge me so.je Enjoy the lasagne, Wally.And by the way, keep the teeth as long as you like.

Jason: Ah ha!Jerry Vale!Where?Where?

Wally: Hey Jerry, they fit flat...

Jason: Hi Wal.

Wally: What do you want, you quack?

Jason: No need for name-calling, Wally.

Wally: Well then, I got nothing more to say to you.

Jason: I just came by to get some of my mother's things!

Wally: This is supposed to twist my lower tract into a sheep shank, right?

Jason: Actually a Bovarian Pretzel.

Wally: Well, come on in.You just love this, don't you?

Jason: Absolutely not, Wally.

Wally: Well, tell her I'm sitting pretty, with Jerry Vale's underwear and teeth.

Jason: I'll tell her that.Where are the bags?

Wally: Over there.And you can tell her from me, her little plan didn't work.I'm not gonna kept on a short leash.

Jason: You actually think my mother's like that.

Wally: Ho ho ho.All day long I hear, don't eat that, oh don't wear that, well don't you wanna go to the theatre?Hell no, I don't wanna go to the theatre.I wanna watch a ball game and eat a brod!

Jason: Well, she's only looking out for you best interests, Wally.

Wally: Well I will not be manipulated by that woman.

Jason: Well these things happen all the time.You know, a couple's sailing along in a marriage and all of a sudden, pooft!

Wally: What pooft?

Jason: This pooft!

Wally: Who pooft?

Jason: You pooft!

Wally: I didn't poof!

Jason: Poof!

Wally: If anybody pooft, your mother pooft!

Jason: You take that back, Wally.

Wally: Ah, what am I doing here standing for talking to an errand boy?

Jason: An errand boy!

Wally: Mmm.

Jason: Alright, one more errand, Wally.

Wally: Well what does she want that for?

Jason: Well, I don't know.Who knows where these things could lead?

Wally: What are you saying?

Jason: I'm not saying anything, Wally.

Wally: Lawyer!She's getting a lawyer!

Jason: Well, err...yeah, the papers can wait for a day or two.Look, I'm just gonna take these bags, and you finish your lasagne.

Wally: Oh, suddenly I'm not so hungry.Jason, I'm too old for this.

Jason: Pardon me?

Wally: Well, if she's talking lawyers and condo papers...

Jason: Well, I might have exaggerated a little.Maybe I got carried away here.

Wally: Oh, no, no, no more right now Jason; my colon's dancing.

Urma: Jason!

Chrissy: No Grandma, it's just us.

Ben: You ask her.

Chrissy: No.You.You've known her longer.

Ben: Look, Grandma, you can't sit around her moping all day.You wanna sh**t some hoops?

Ben: Ah, we made the offer.That takes care of that.

Carol: Grandma, I heard about you and Wally.This is the worst thing.I have been so upset, I haven't been able to sleep or eat.This message is for me.It's from a boy...last night.Well, Grandma, why didn't anybody tell me?

Urma: I'm sorry dear, I guess I was just a little preoccupied.

Carol: Oh, sure.Oh sure, just think of yourself.

Maggie: What was Carol shouting about?

Urma: She was comforting me...I think.Oh, Jason, how did he take it when you picked up the bags?

Jason: Well...

Urma: Was he devastated?

Jason: Well, I don't...

Urma: Well...Maggie, get your husband to talk.

Maggie: Jason, talk!

Jason: Well, the luggage thing didn't work.He's onto you Mother.

Urma: Oh, he knows me so well.He's smarter than he looks.

Jason: So, in keeping with the spirit of your plan.I asked him to turn over the papers to the condo.

Urma: Oh, my son, I have traied you well.

Jason: You have no idea.We started talking, one thing led to another, and before I know it, he was asking me to help you two get back together again.

Urma: You!But you can't stand Wally!

Jason: I know.I know.I told him that.He said it didn't matter.He said, as far as he's concerned, I'm an honest man.

Urma: Then he was lying through his teeth.

Jason: Actually, Jerry Vale's teeth.Hey, Wally's really upset.

Urma: Are you sure?

Jason: Hey, there was a whole plate of lasagne there, he couldn't eat a bite.

Urma: Lasagne's his favourite food.I won't cook it for him...ever.

Jason: Look, he said that he thought I was his last chance to...work things out, or you two would lose everything.

Urma: Oh dear.This is more serious than I thought.Oh, what have I done?

Maggie: E...excuse me, Urma.Jason, what have you done?

Jason: Nothing.I even told Wally, that the idea for the papers and the condo that was mine, not Mom's.

Maggie: Well something tells me that you were'nt that objective.]

Maggie: What poof thing?

Jason: Don't even get me started on that.

Urma: (On the phone) Hi Wally, it's me.Listen, I was thinking that...What?Oh, yes.Err...goodbye.Says he can't talk to me, he's so upset.

Maggie: Oh Urma, you two obviously love each other, or you wouldn't be putting each other throught this hell.

Urma: We can't even talk to each other any more.

Jason: Maybe what you need is just a little time to let things cool off, Mom.

Urma: What I need is your help.

Jason: Pardon me?

Maggie: U...U...Urma, I think that maybe what you and Wally need to do is...is see a professional.

Urma: I don't want a professional.I want my son.

Jason: Hey, hey, look, I don't want to get in the middle of this, Mom.

Urma: Well you should of thought of that before you volunteered to go pick up my suitcases.

Maggie: Jason, I love you.And please don't take this personally, but you're a lying sack, you know that?

Jason: Honey, you didn't hear what I just said.I don't wanna get caught in the middle of this thing!

Maggie: Jason, you can't tell me that you weren't thrilled your mother handed you a g*n loaded with b*llet with Wally's name on it.

Jason: I'm a little hurt, Maggie, that my mother sees me more clearly right now, than you do.

Maggie: Oh, and how's that.

Jason: Well, she's fully prepared to rely on her honest and fair and objective son.

Maggie: Oh!I thought you were an only child.

Urma: Wall should be here by now.Are you sure you told him seven o' clock?

Wally: Will somebody open this darn door.

Urma: Let him wait a minute.

Maggie: Are either of you gonna open the door?

Jason: Forty seconds to go.

Maggie: Wally, it's good to see you.

Wally: Hi Urma.

Urma: Hi Wally.Oh, you look different.

Wally: Yes, it's the teeth.

Maggie: Oh, would you like to sit?

Wally: Sit!Well I thought we were supposed to lie down and do things.

Jason: Ha!No no, it doesn't work quite like that, Wally.What happens is, I talk to each of you individually and then we all talk together.

Wally: You first.

Urma: No, you first.

Wally: No, after you.

Urma: Oh, you should go first; you have a serious problem.

Wally: You should go first because you are the serious problem.

Jason: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.Hey.I'll decide.Wally, you're going first.

Wally: Well, it figures you'd side with your mother.

Jason: I'm not taking sides, Wally.OK, you go first.

Wally: Oh, no, you said me first, I'm going first.

Jason: Fine, Fine, Wally.Step into my office.

Wally: Oh, oh no.I'm not going into some office and laying on a couch where some crazy people have been.

Jason: Wally, you think mental illness is a virus?

Wally: Well, from where I'm standing it looks pretty much hereditory.

Maggie: Err, look, I've got an idea.Why don't you and Wally talk here and Urma and I can go in the kitchen.

Wally: Good.

Jason: Wally.

Wally: Which end do I put my head on?

Jason: Doesn't matter.

Wally: I figured as much.

Jason: You don't have to lie down, Wally.

Wally: Well can I have a beer?

Jason: Wally, come on, let's just concentrate on why you're here.I'd like you to talk about your marriage to my Mom, and what you think are the problems.

Wally: It blows!

Jason: Can you be a little more specific?

Wally: It blows chunks!Sometimes I think she's trying to turn me into the person she thought I was when we were married, but I wasn't, 'cause we were courting.All day long...

Jason: (in his head) Look at him sitting there pouring his guts out to me...like I care.Wait I do care, I'm a professional.The weight of their marriage is in my hands, I shouldn't be thinking these things.I should be listening to his every word.

Wally: And why should I rely on Jerry Vale to bring me my lasagne?

Jason: (in his head) And I stopped thinking to hear that!

Jason: Oh, you don't have to lay down, Mom.

Urma: Did Wally lay down?

Jason: No, he sat.

Urma: Then I'll lay down.

Jason: Mom.

Urma: What?

Jason: You're supposed to talk.

Urma: Oh, I thought you were supposed to talk.

Jason: No, no.The way this works is, you talk, I listen.

Urma: You mean, you spent all those years in that expensive medical school, just to sit there like a bump in a log to listen?Well, I'm used to talking and nobody talking back...that's what it's like being with Wally.And if the home shopping network has their lingerie bonanza on, Wally's speechless the whole night.

Urma: And he's always throwing Jerry Vale's lasagne in my face.

Jason: (in his head) OK, I've been out here twenty minutes, giving this some really serious thought.Ha ha!I could torpedo this marriage and no-one would be the wiser.

Maggie: Jason.

Jason: I'm done thinking.Maggie...oh boy, you look great in that dress.

Maggie: Thank you honey.What about your mom and Wally?

Jason: Well, I get rid of him...I mean, I'm gonna help him first, I'll take care of this.For the next few moments I would like you both to think of me, not as your son, and not as someone you despise, but as a professional, because I wanna give you my professional opinion.(in his head) Think they bought that?Yipper dipper they did.(spoken) Now, in any marriage, no matter how much love is involved, or how much love you think you have for one another, there's also a practical side of the relationship.There's that...there's that bond that depends on a basic compatability or incompatability of the people involoved.(in his head) Oh, man, she's crossing her legs.(spoken) And err...you two...with you two, there's...there's some incompatability and I see the problem as...

Chrissy: Mommy!Mommy!

Maggie: Oh, what is it, sweetheart?

Chrissy: Grandma and Wally have to stay together.

Maggie: Oh, honey, no matter what happens, they'll both still love you.

Chrissy: Yeah, yeah, yeah.I just want Grandma out of my room so I can sleep with the light on.

Jason: So wait a minute; what you want is more important than what's good for them?

Chrissy: Yep.

Jason: Well aren't you being just a little bit selfish?

Maggie: What did you say, Jason?

Jason: Aren't you being a little bit selfish?

Maggie: What did you say, Jason?

Chrissy: He asked me if I was being a little bit selfish.And the answer is...

Jason: Yes.Yes.

Wally: Let's just get to the bad news, OK?

Jason: Well I think it's obvious that with all the differences that exist between you...Well, you should stay together.

Urma and Wally: What?

Jason: Well because neither one of you has enough sense not to love each other.

Wally: Huh?

Jason: You heard me.

Urma: But everything you said, made it sound like we should give it up.

Jason: Yeah, well I got problems of my own.You sort this out, I gotta get some fresh air.

Maggie: Jason.

Jason: What?

Maggie: I love you.

Jason: What's that for?

Maggie: For not being as selfish as your four year old daughter.

Jason: Come on.You actually think for a second I'd actually put my own needs first?

Maggie: Yep.But deep down, I knew you'd do the right thing.

Jason: Yep, yep, yep, yep.

Maggie: Come on.You can't second guess yourself.You did what was right.

Urma: Oh, Wally, you cut that out.

Wally: Oh, Urma what do you say we see one of those boring plays you like so much?

Urma: What do you say to a little lingerie bonanza.

Wally: Oh, Urma, I'm through with the whole shopping network.

Urma: I wasn't talking about TV.

Wally: Oh!

Jason: Doesn't that make you wanna puke?

Maggie: You know honey, we don't have to wait for them to leave.We can...turn in now.

Jason: (in his head) Too little too late, I'm not in the mood.

Mike: Hey guys.

Jason: Mike, where have you been.

Mike: I've been dropping off the babysitter.

Maggie: But she left last night.

Mike: I know.She lives in Sinsinatty.

Chrissy: You look like the kind of guy who'd enjoy a good bed-time story.Mr.Mouse Finds a Home.

Mike: Sorry, Chrissy, but Mr.Mike found a blonde.

Chrissy: I've never seen six foot mouse before.

Maggie: Sweetheart, who are you talking to?

Chrissy: Aarrgh!!

Maggie: What?

Chrissy: You're a little spooler shtoon.

Maggie: I am a smoosh too.

Chrissy: Sorry.They said something healthy was better for you.