06x09 - Assert Yourself

[bunniefuu]

♪ Now the world don't move
to the b*at of just one drum.

♪ What might be right for
you may not be right for some.

♪ A man is born,
he's a man of means,

♪ Then along come two,
they got nothing but their jeans.

♪ But they got
different strokes,

♪ It takes different strokes,

♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world.

♪ Everybody's got
a special kind of story.

♪ Everybody
finds a way to shine.

♪ It don't matter
that you got not a lot.

♪ So what?

♪ They'll have theirs
and you'll have yours,

♪ and I'll have mine.

♪ And together we'll be fine,

♪ Cause it takes different
strokes to move the world.

♪ Yes it does.

♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world.

- And if elected class
president, I promise to make

our school cafeteria a
place we can all be proud of,

and there will be no more
jokes about needing barf bags.

- That's a little
graphic, Arnold,

but I'm sure very effective.

- Yeah, that's a great
speech, little brother.

- Thanks.

- Yeah, but why aren't you
running instead of Dudley?

- Well, when we were
back in grammar school,

I was class president and
Dudley was nothing, zip, zero.

I'm talking wimp city.

So now that
we're in junior high,

I decided to let Dudley
have some recognition.

- You're all heart, Arnold.

- Of course, there's
something in it for me too.

I'm gonna be the
man behind the man,

the real power in politics.

I'm gonna be
pulling the strings.

- Oh, sort of like a
political ventriloquist.

- Right, and I
couldn't have picked

a better dummy than Dudley.

- So how's your campaign
coming along, Arnold?

- Oh great.

I've turned Dudley
into a new man.

Now he's got confidence
and charm and personality.

He's gonna win that
election, and it doesn't hurt

that his opponent has
funny ears and bad breath.

- I know how I won all
those elections at school,

with raw charisma.

- Yes, and only
modesty prevents him

from telling us how
terrific he really is.

- Well being popular
helps, I guess,

but I think the issues are
more important in an election.

- All right, Arnold.

- I oughta know, I got to be
president of the sixth grade

because I had a
good campaign issue,

balancing the class budget,

otherwise known as Jacksonomics.

- What in the world is that?

- Sort of a bubblegum
Reaganomics.

- Hi kids.

- Hi dad.
- Hey Daddy.

- Sorry I wasn't able to
get here in time for dinner.

I had a late meeting.

Pearl?

- Oh hi Mr. Drummond.

- Did I get any phone calls?

- No, not a thing.

- Darn it.

I'd hoped they would
have called by now.

- Could I fix you some dinner?

- No, I had a bite, just
some coffee please.

- Coming right up.

- Sounds like you've
got a big deal going, Dad.

- As matter of fact, yes I do.

I'm just about to be
appointed the new president

of the City Arts Council.

And even as we speak, I
am waiting to be notified.

- Alright.

- That's great Daddy.

- Hey Dad, we didn't know
you were running for pres.

- Well I haven't been
running very hard.

That's because of a
guy named Bill Wolf.

- Who's Bill Wolf?

- He's a friend of mine.

See, he's going for it too.

So I just quietly
let it be known

that I was available
for the position.

I didn't want to
campaign openly,

and put Bill's
nose out of joint.

- Well, when he
finds out you won,

won't the rest of
him be out of joint?

- Not at all.

See, he knows he doesn't
have a chance against me.

I have been a senior member
of this council for years.

In any case, it's in the bag.

- Congratulations Dad.

It's nice to see someone else

in this family
with a little class.

- Thanks Arnold, never
thought you'd notice.

- Maybe they've
been trying to call me

and found the line busy.

Excuse me, I'm
gonna make a call.

- Hey, how about you guys help

me out with Dudley's campaign?

You know, making
posters and stuff?

The last few days
are the most important.

What do you say?

- No.
- No.

- May I remind you
that political apathy

is the enemy of freedom?

- May I remind you
that a pushy little brother

is liable to get pushed
off the balcony?

- Do it for Dudley.

He's like another brother,

only not as good
looking as Willis.

- I'll help.

- I'd flatter you too, Kimberly,

but you're too
intelligent to fall for it.

- No I'm not, I'll help too.

- Great.

- Hey Sid, hi, Phil
Drummond here.

Hey, how's the newlywed?

Oh, well better luck next time.

Listen, I just got
home, and I thought

you'd probably
been trying to call me.

Our housekeeper's getting on,

and she doesn't
always hear the phone.

Hey listen, about
the art's council,

what's that?

Bill Wolf got it?

Well of course I wanted it.

That's why I
didn't say anything.

No, I guess I understand.

No, I'm not angry.

Bill's a terrific guy.

Good bye Sid.

That backstabbing Bill Wolf.

He did me out of the presidency.

- Sorry Dad, sounds
like that bag you had it in

had a hole in it.

- But Dad, I don't understand.

I mean, I thought
that backstabbing

Bill Wolf was your friend.

- He was, he is, I guess
I'm just mad at myself.

At least he was smart
enough to campaign openly.

I was dumb enough not to.

That just shows you, if
you really want something,

go for it.

- Even against a friend?

- Why not?

I play tennis with friends,
and I'm not afraid of winning.

- The way you play
tennis, you don't have to be.

- Thanks, I needed that.

- Well, better luck
next year, Dad.

If you guys will excuse
me, I have homework to do.

- Yeah, me too.

You're always a winner
in our book, Daddy.

- Thanks, you too.

- Excuse me Dad,
I've gotta go to work

on this speech for Dudley.

It's kinda hard
making people believe

he was born in a log cabin.

- You sure I can't fix you
some dinner, Mr. Drummond?

- No, no, no thanks Pearl.

- That was a very interesting
speech you just gave the kids,

you know about going
for something you want

and how your friends
will understand.

- That's right, and I
meant every word of it.

- Good, do you think our
friendship could stand a raise?

- You know, Pearl, I've never
really felt that close to you.

Just kidding, of course
you can ask for a raise.

- Thanks, how bout it?

- No way.

- Mr. Drummond, I've
been here over a year,

and I've never had a raise.

- My goodness Pearl,
has it really been that long?

Well then of course
you deserve a raise.

I'll take care of it.

- Thank you Mr. Drummond.

Oh, Mr. Drummond,
while we're on the subject,

how about an extra half day off?

- You mean on top of the raise?

- Well I'd like to
spend a little more time

with my mother now
that she's getting older.

- Oh sure, that's reasonable.

Take it on Thursdays, Pearl.

- Oh that is so
considerate of you.

Uh Mr. Drummond?

- Let me guess, you
want a pension plan?

- I hadn't thought of that.

But, what I was
thinking is, you know that

old black and white
TV set in my room?

Well it's really had it.

- Would you like a table
model or a large screen?

- Oh just a little color
table model will do nicely,

21 inch

- Sure

- Remote control?

- Sure

Are we through?

- Of course.

- Thank you

- My pleasure.

Mr. Drummond?

- Pearl, would you
like to pick my pockets?

- I just wanted to say that
you're a most generous man,

and that must make
you feel very good.

- Oh yes it does.

I can't tell you how my heart
is humming at this moment.

- Vote for Dudley.

Hey don't forget the
big election on Friday.

Dudley's your man.

Hi there.

I'm sure you two lovely
ladies will be voting

for yours truly
on Friday, right?

- Of course, Dudley.

You're the cutest candidate.

- What can I say?

- Dudley, Dudley man,
where have you been?

I've been looking
all over for you.

We were supposed to go over
your big speech for the rally.

- I'm too busy glad
handing to bother

with that dumb speech, Arnold.

- What?

That's the best
speech I ever wrote.

I got an inspiration in
the middle of the night.

I had to write it by the
light of the refrigerator.

- Arnold, I don't need speeches
to b*at Norman Corman.

I've got a great sense of
humor and a winning smile.

- So does a laughing hyena.

- Don't forget to
vote for Dudley.

- Dudley, you can't just
go around slapping people

on the back and
ignoring the issues.

- Why not?

I'm trying to be
like a real politician.

Don't tell me how
to run for office.

I really don't think you
comprehend how popular I am.

- Dudley, as far
as I'm concerned,

you're just another pretty face.

I made you, I can break you.

- Arnold, the campaign
manager and the candidate

shouldn't be seen fighting
two days before the election.

- They wouldn't be if the
candidate wasn't such a jerk.

- Hi Arnold, hi Dudley.

- Oh, hi Norman.

How's your campaign going?

- I'll be honest with
you Arnold, it stinks.

But what does it matter as
long as the best man wins?

- Interesting strategy,
dazzle 'em with boredom.

- Thanks, I'll try that.

- Now you see, Arnold?

I've got this election
sewed up without any issues.

- Don't be so sure, Dudley.

I think the kids in this
school have more brains

than just to go for a lot of
glad handing and a big smile.

- Don't forget my
empty promises.

- Dudley, you're
not listening to me.

I'm trying to tell you that
you're not a sure thing.

Norman, the nerd,
could b*at you.

- Ah, come on.

If he had any less
personality, he'd be a corpse.

- I'm serious.

It's like the tortoise
and the hare.

He's the tortoise, and
you're the hare brain.

- You know, Arnold,
you're beginning to bug me,

and I think you're
slowing down my landslide.

- Oh, is that so?

Well I'll just get out of
your way Mighty Mouth.

I quit as your campaign manager.

- Quit?

- You heard me,
I got other plans.

- Oh I know, you're
going over to run

Norman, the nerd's
campaign, huh?

- No, I'm gonna run
my own campaign.

I'm gonna run
against you myself.

- Run that by me again?

- You heard me.

The only competition
that'll be left in this election

is gonna be between you
and Norman for last place.

Arnold Jackson is
back for his last hurrah.

- Wait a minute, Arnold.

You mean you'd
really run against me?

- Why not?

My dad says if you
really want something,

you should go for it.

- Yeah, what a dirty,
low-down thing to do.

- Dudley, what's wrong
with a little competition

between friends?

Do you understand
what I'm saying to you?

- Yeah, you're
trying to stick it to me.

And to think that all this time,

I felt guilty about
that thing with Doreen.

- What thing with Doreen?

- Well, remember how
much you liked her?

And how disappointed
you were when she

passed me her phone number?

- Yeah, what about it?

- Well, that number was
supposed to be for you,

but I just kinda accidentally
stuck it in my pocket

and kinda accidentally
called her up myself.

- I oughta kinda accidentally
punch you in your nose.

You stole my woman!

- Doreen didn't seem to mind.

- Well let me lay a
little news on you.

Remember when you
lost that soapbox derby

because the wheels
came off your car

and they crossed the
finish line before you did?

- Yeah, I always wondered
how that happened.

- You can stop wondering.

- Why you dirty, low-down bum.

You made me lose that race.

- I know, I felt
just terrible about it

until I won.

- Well I'll tell you one
thing you're not gonna win,

the election, because I'm
gonna b*at the pants off of you.

- Oh yeah?

Well when the votes
are in, you'll be the one

standing there in your
Fruit of the Looms.

- How about this to
put in a fortune cookie?

Vote for Dudley
cause he's cuddly.

- Not bad, not bad, but
how do you like mine?

Confucius say Dudley's the way.

- Hey, really dull.

- What about mine?

Dudley will do right.

- That's horrible.

- Hey g*ng, how's everything
at election headquarters?

- It's fine.
- Not bad.

Hey, what do you got there?

- Oh just the rest of the flyers
I had printed up for Dudley

and I think maybe,
that he's gonna like this.

That oughta cinch the
campaign for Dudley.

- That's really gonna
make Arnold happy.

- Scuse me, I've
got about six dozen

more fortune
cookies in the oven.

Hey Arnold.

- Hi.

- Your worker bees are
going full blast, Arnold.

Now, what do you think of this?

Tah-dum

- I'll show you
what I think of it.

- Hey!
- Hey!

- Arnold, Arnold.

- What are you doing man?

You ruined the poster.

- That's the whole idea.

I wish it was Dudley in person.

- Okay, Arnold.

Okay, now what is the problem?

- The problem is
that ungrateful creep.

I resigned as his
campaign manager.

- Arnold, why would you do that

just two days
before the election?

- Because he didn't like the
way I was running his campaign,

and I didn't like the way
he was running his mouth.

- Well what did he do?

- Everything but what
I was telling him to do.

I'm surprised he didn't go out
and rent some babies to kiss.

- Well that's no reason
for you to deface the poster.

- Sure it is, because
now I'm gonna do

what I wanted to
do in the first place,

run against him myself.

- Well if you feel
that way, sure.

- I remember what you said,
so now I'm gonna be like you.

No more Mr. Nice Guy.

- Well, I didn't mean
it quite like that.

- Hey Arnold, aren't you
getting in this kinda late?

There's only two days left.

- Yeah, and that's what I
want to talk to Dad about.

Uh alone please, as in get lost.

- Well we better get
out of here, Willis.

This is all top
secret political stuff.

- Yeah, we'll leave Dad
alone with Deep Dope.

- Okay, what's this
that's so confidential?

- Dad, I'm gonna
need something more

than just fortune cookies
to win this election.

How about making a
campaign contribution?

- Sure, what did
you have in mind?

- Something along the lines of

the new Arnold Jackson
wing of the gymnasium.

- Are you asking me to
buy this election for you?

- No, I'm begging you.

It would give me a landslide.

- Arnold, I can't
possibly do that.

I'll get it.

- Hi Mr. Drummond.

- Hi Dudley, come on in.

- Thanks.

- What do you want Glad Gums?

- I'm here to get my
stuff, Benedict Arnold.

Hey, what happened to my poster?

- Just a little touch-up to
make it look like the real you.

- I'll get my stuff out of here.

I'll just take these with me.

- You can't have these.

The only way you're gonna get
these cookies is up your nose.

- Give them back to me!

- Hey, let go!

- Hey, that's enough,
now, that's enough.

Here you are, Dudley.

- Dad, what are you doing?

- We're still going to help
Dudley with his campaign.

- What you talkin' about Dad?

- Now, we promised to help him,

and we're not going to
go back on our promise.

That wouldn't be fair.

- But Dad, what's fair
got to do with politics?

What about me?

- Don't worry, Arnold,
we'll work for both of you.

- That's illegal.

That's a conflict of interest.

- Well that's just the way
it's gonna have to be, Arnold.

- Thanks Mr. Drummond,
I really appreciate it.

- Sure Dudley.

- How do you like that?

Shafted by my own family?

These are the times
that try men's souls.

I'm not asking
you to vote for me

because of my boyish good looks.

I'm asking you to
vote for me because

I'm willing to face the issues.

Some people aren't
willing to face the issues,

like a certain unworthy
opponent of mine

who shall be nameless.

I didn't think it
was that funny.

Of course, I do
have a good delivery.

I must say, you're a
very appreciative crowd.

And you deserve a
president as good as I am.

Now wait a minute, you're
laughing in the wrong place.

What are you laugh

- Oh hi there.

- What do you
think you're doing?

- Oh just trying to
clean up your poster.

Apparently some
unknown juvenile delinquent

came by and defaced it.

- I oughta deface you.

That's a dirty trick.

I thought we were
keeping this a clean fight.

- I'm only doing it because
you did it to my poster.

- That's different.

I had a very good reason
for doing it to yours.

- Like what?

- Like I didn't want you to win.

In fact, he doesn't
deserve to win

because he doesn't
stand for any issues.

- That's not true.

I'll stand for any issue
that will get me elected.

- Alright wiseguy, name
one issue you stand for.

- Well um, how about not having

to go to school
on your birthday?

- That's a terrible idea.

My birthday's during
summer vacation.

Anyway, I think that
the issues should

be something important,
like petitioning for

new lockers in the gym.

- What's wrong
with the old ones?

- Plenty, they're
rusted and falling apart,

and not to mention the smell
from 50 years of sweaty socks.

- How do you feel about
the issues, Norman?

- Both ideas sound
awfully good, don't they?

- Norman

Norman, you have
to be more decisive.

- Well, in that case, I
think I'll vote for Dudley.

- Hi everybody.

- Hi.
- Hi Daddy.

- Hey is there any news
from the student elections?

- Oh not yet, but Arnold's
due home any minute.

- Well I don't
know about Arnold,

but I couldn't sleep
a wink last night.

- Too excited
about the election?

- Those cookies
gave me nightmares.

I dreamt that somebody
cracked me open

and pulled a fortune
out of my navel.

- Uh oh, judging by the
look on your face, Arnold,

I'd say that Dudley b*at you.

- No, I b*at Dudley.

- Alright Arnold, way to go.

- Well that's great,
what's the matter?

- Norman Corman b*at both of us.

- Norman? How did that happen?

- Easy, I got the
intellectual vote,

and Dudley got the bimbo vote,

and Norman got
the confused vote,

which is the other 95%.

- Welcome to
politics in America.

- Well don't worry Arnold,
there will be other elections.

- Yeah, but if I ever run again,

it won't be against a friend,

in spite of what you said, Dad.

I ended up losing the
election and my best friend.

- I'll get it.

- Is Arnold here?

- Yeah, he's here,
come on in Dudley.

- Hi

- Hi

- Long time, no see.

- Yeah, not since this afternoon
when we ignored each other.

- Right.

- So how have you been?

- Not so good.

Look, I know you weren't
really trying to stick it to me.

I'm sorry about those posters.

- Me too, about yours.

- I wasn't even invited to

Norman Corman's
victory party after school.

- You're lucky, I was.

And I was the only
one that showed up.

- Poor Norman.

- Poor Norman nothing.

He was pleased
with the turn out.

You know Dad, you were right.

Real friends can compete.

- I'm proud of both of you.

I didn't get what
I wanted either,

but at least you guys
gave it your best sh*t.

- I've never seen such
a happy bunch of losers.

- Wait a minute, I'm no loser.

I got a raise, an extra
half day off, and a color TV.

- You don't have to flaunt it.

- I love flaunting it.

- Well Dudley old boy,
I'm glad we're friends again

and no more dirty tricks.

- Right, no more dirty tricks.

- Here, have one of
my fortune cookies.

Go ahead, take one.

Now now, let's see
which one of my

witty campaign
slogans we have here.

Don't be a stick in the mudley,

vote for your best guy, Dudley?

That's strange, how did
that get in my cookie?

What does yours say?

- What's the difference?

We can open it later.

- Give me that.

Let's see here.

May the force be with Dudley.

Wait a minute.

I was passing out fortune
cookies that said vote for you.

Somebody switched cookies on me.

- Must have been that unknown
juvenile delinquent again.

- Sure, that's probably who,

and since that unknown
juvenile delinquent

likes cookies so much,
he can have this whole box.

♪ Now the world don't move
to the b*at of just one drum.

♪ What might be right for
you may not be right for some.

♪ A man is born,
he's a man of means.

♪ Then along come two.

♪ They got nothing
but their jeans,

♪ But they got
different strokes.

♪ It takes different strokes

♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world

♪ Yes it does

♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world.