06x23 - The Houseguest

Episode transcripts for the TV Show "Diff'rent Strokes". Aired: November 3, 1978 –; March 7, 1986.*
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Series follows Arnold and Willis Jackson, two African-American boys from Harlem taken in by a rich white Park Avenue businessman and widower, Phillip Drummond, for whom their deceased mother previously worked, and his daughter, Kimberly.
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06x23 - The Houseguest

Post by bunniefuu »

(It Takes Diff'rent
Strokes by Alan Thicke)

♪ Now, the world don't move
to the b*at of just one drum,

♪ What might be right for
you, may not be right for some

♪ A man is born,
he's a man of means,

♪ Then along come two,
they got nothing but their jeans

♪ But they got,
Diff'rent Strokes

♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes

♪ It takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world

♪ Everybody's got
a special kind of story,

♪ Everybody finds a way to shine

♪ It don't matter that
you got not a lot, so what?

♪ They'll have theirs,
you'll have yours,

♪ And I'll have mine

♪ And together we'll be fine

♪ 'Cause it takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world,

♪ Yes, it does

♪ It takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world

- Oh hi, Kimberly.

- [Kimberly] Oh hi.

- Oh, those roses are
beautiful, where'd you get 'em?

- My fiance sent them.

- Mmm, that David sure
is one thoughtful guy

unlike some boyfriends
whose initials are Willis Jackson.

(audience laughs)

- You don't need
flowers when you got

sweet smelling Willis here.

(audience laughs)

- I think I'll leave before
I throw up on my flowers.

- Charlene?

- Hmm?

- Did I tell you today
how much I really dig you?

- Well, don't just stand
there, start digging.

- Alright.

- Well, well, well.

I see old locomotive lips is
chewing up your tracks again.

(audience laughs)

- Arnold, why
don't you just hustle

your little caboose
right on out of here?

- I'd be glad to, who
wants to see you two

having a battle of the gums?

(audience laughs)

- Oops, sorry, wrong apartment.

- Oh, um, hi, dad.

(laughs awkwardly)

Charlene was just,
um, just telling me

about the big school
dance this weekend.

- It looked like you were taking

the words right
out of her mouth.

(audience laughs)

Hi, Charlene.

I gotta get changed.

- Now that's what I call
an understanding father.

He's sure not like my dad.

- Is your dad still
getting on your case?

- Yeah, he just can't help
bringing his work home with him.

- Well, I guess a vice cop sees

a lot out there on the streets

and you can't blame him for
being a little overprotective.

- Overprotective?

When I come home from
a date, he does everything

but dust me for fingerprints.

(audience laughs)

- Well, I guess I better
start wearing gloves.

(audience laughs)

- That's not funny, Willis.

All his rules and regulations
are driving me crazy.

- Aw, well just hang in there.

After we're in college,

we'll get married
and you'll move out.

- Married?

Willis, do you really
love me that much?

- Hey, I wouldn't have let you

be my girlfriend for
three years if I didn't.

(audience laughs)

- What a guy.

Hey Willis, do you think
we could announce our

unofficial official engagement
at the dance this weekend?

- Hey, why not?

Yeah, let's tell the world.

- Oh, Willis.

- Oh man, I better start announcing
engagements more often.

(audience laughs)

And you know, just to
make it unofficially official,

I want you to
wear my class ring.

- Oh, Willis.

I promise I'll
never take it off.

- I know.

- Aw, not again.

What do you two brush
your teeth with, super glue?

(audience laughs)

- Okay, troops, who's ready
for some more beef stew?

- Is that what this is?

(audience laughs)

- Thank you.

I don't mind cooking when
Pearl takes a weekend off,

but I'd like to think
it's appreciated.

I've been slaving
over a hot microwave

for four and a half minutes.

(audience laughs)

- He's just teasing,
daddy, it's delicious.

- Yeah, in fact, I'll have
seconds, thirds and fourths.

- Okay, here we go.

- Hey dad, why don't
you sit down and join us?

- Who, me?

I wouldn't eat this
stuff if you paid me.

(audience laughs)

(doorbell rings)

- I'll get it.

Oh and dad, I'll have some
more of your terrific stew.

- [Philip] Good.

- Hi.

- Charlene, I know we talked
about marriage this afternoon,

but I don't remember saying
anything about eloping.

(audience laughs)

Is something wrong?

- Hi, Charlene.
- Hello.

- I'm sorry to barge
in on you like this,

but I didn't know
where else to go.

- What do you mean,
what's the matter, Charlene?

- Come on over here and sit down

and tell us what
happened, honey.

- Well, I finally had
it out with my father.

No matter what I do, it's wrong.

- Oh, I'm sure he
doesn't really think that.

- But he does,

and I think by now I've
earned the right to be trusted.

I'm a full-grown woman.

- Yeah, the fullest.

(audience laughs)

- Well, what did your
father say to you?

- Well, all through dinner
he kept picking on me

just because I forgot to run
an errand I promised to do

and my mother, she just
sat there not saying a word.

- What'd you say to your father?

- Well, I told him I never
want to see him again,

so I packed a bag and ran out.

- Good for you, Charlene.

Kids should stand
up to their parents.

(audience laughs)

'Course, I'd never
do that myself.

(audience laughs)

- What are you gonna do now?

- I don't know, but
I'm not going back.

- Well, if you'd like to,

you can stay here with
us until things cool down.

But only on one
condition, Charlene,

that you try to work
things out with your father.

- Well, I can try.

- Good, I'll go and phone
him and tell him you're here.

He probably has every
policeman in the city looking for you.

- You just relax, angel kicks.

Everything's gonna be great.

- Except for one thing
which I better go do right now.

- Where are you going, Arnold?

- To the bathroom.

(audience laughs)

With another girl in the house,

I may never get in there again.

(audience laughs)

- Speaking of the bathroom,

I'll go get some towels
for you, Charlene.

- Thanks.

Willis, are you sure you
don't mind me staying here?

- Are you kidding?

It'd be terrific.

We'll be living
under the same roof,

it'll be like we're married

without mortgage payments.

(audience laughs)

- Yeah, that'll
give us the chance

to know each other better.

They say you never
really know someone

until you've lived with them.

- Oh, but it's different
between us, I mean,

I already know all your faults

and you'd know
mine if I had any.

(audience laughs)

- Willis, what is that stuff?

- Something I've been saving
for a special occasion, Arnold.

It's called Wild Stallion.

(audience laughs)

- Smells more
like old pack horse.

(audience laughs)

Why are you putting it on now?

- Because Charlene's
coming in to kiss me goodnight.

- Kiss you?

She's liable to throw a
blanket and a feed bag on you.

(audience laughs)

- She can do whatever
she wants to me.

- You really like
Charlene, don't you?

- Like her?

Arnold, she's the
only girl for me

and one of these days, and
maybe not too long from now,

I'm gonna marry her.

- Get ahold of yourself, Willis.

That cologne is
clouding your brain.

(audience laughs)

(knocking on door)

- Come in.

- Is somebody ready
for their goodnight kiss?

- Yeah, lay it on me.

(audience laughs)

- Uh, excuse me, Arnold,

but there's a guy
in line ahead of you,

so uh, unpuck your pucker.

(audience laughs)

You look beautiful.

- So do you.

- Now I know what to get
you two for a wedding present,

a crowbar.

(audience laughs)

- I think it's wonderful
about you and Willis,

I hope you'll be as
happy as I am with David.

- Thanks.

Oh, my stomach feels like
I'm on a rollercoaster ride.

- Morning, ladies.

Morning, ladies.

- [Girls] Good morning.

- I hate to interrupt

such a fascinating
topic of conversation,

especially since it's
probably about me.

(audience laughs)

But how about my morning kiss?

- If you'll, um, excuse me,
I think I'll get out of here

before it gets too
warm in the kitchen.

(audience laughs)

- How 'bout that kiss?

- Fire when ready.

(audience laughs)

Willis, what's the matter?

- I guess I've never seen
you look like this before.

- Well, you don't have
to look so frightened.

I don't self destruct.

- Do you wear rolls in
your hair every night?

- Sure, I wanna
look nice for you,

but I didn't expect to see
you so soon this morning,

so I didn't have
time to fix myself up.

- Oh, well, that's okay.

(audience laughs)

What's so funny?

- You've got
moisturizer on your nose.

- Moisturizer?

Hey, how'd that get there?

- It's from me, I put it
all over my face at night.

I must've left a
little behind my ear.

- Is there anything else

I should know before
we get married?

(audience laughs)

I mean, you don't take your
teeth out at night, do you?

(audience laughs)

- No, everything else you
see is original equipment.

- Good.

Now, how about some breakfast?

A couple of eggs oughta do it.

- Mmm, sounds great,
make mine scrambled.

(audience laughs)

- Well, I was kind of thinking
more along the lines of

you cooking and me eating.

- Me, cook?

I wouldn't know where to begin.

It takes me an hour
to make minute rice.

(audience laughs)

- Well, that's okay.

You'll have plenty of time
to learn after we're married.

- Willis, the problem
with learning to cook

is then you have to do it.

I had my heart set on
being a career woman.

- Well, that's okay
for a few weeks.

(audience laughs)

And then you can learn to cook.

- Willis, I don't mean
for a few weeks.

I don't want to be tied down
to the house like my mother is.

- Oh, then who's gonna
take care of the kids?

- What kids?

(audience laughs)

- Don't you wanna have kids?

- No.

- Are you saying
you don't want to see

four or five little cool
dudes like me around?

(audience laughs)

- Since you put it like
that, absolutely no.

(audience laughs)

- Charlene, you're
joking, right?

- Not if you're
saying you want me

to spend my whole life
barefoot and pregnant.

- Oh, come on.

You'd have shoes.

(audience laughs)

- I'm sorry,
Willis, but forget it.

- Then why are we even
bothering to think about marriage?

- Well, now that I know
your stupid attitude about it,

I'm really not sure.

- Well, in fact, why
are we even bothering

thinking about going to the
school dance together tonight?

- Well, you don't want to
go, hey, that's fine with me.

Here, you can have this
crummy ring back too.

- Crummy?
- Yes, crummy.

The first two letters of your
class ring have rubbed off.

Look, Willis
Jackson, ass of '85.

(audience laughs)

- Good morning.
- Morning.

- Uh-oh.

What's the matter, son?

- Marriage stinks,
that's what's the matter.

(audience laughs)

- Wow.

Arnold, what happened?

- I think our two lovebirds
just laid a rotten egg.

(audience laughs)

(knocking on door)

- You can come in, sweet lips.

(audience laughs)

- How'd you know it was me?

(audience laughs)

- I thought you were Charlene
coming in to apologize.

- Yeah, Charlene told me a
little bit about what happened.

Isn't it a little
premature for you two

to be arguing about marriage?

That usually doesn't
happen until the honeymoon.

(audience laughs)

- Dad, it's not like we were
gonna get married right away

or anything and now, not at all.

- Well, would you like to
tell me your side of the story?

- Okay.

- Good, and try to
be objective about it.

- Okay, I'm right
and she's wrong.

(audience laughs)

- I think I'm beginning
to see the problem.

- The woman's out of control.

- I have to tell you, it
sounds as if your ideas

about love and marriage
are a little bit old fashioned.

I'm supposed to be the
old fogey in this family.

- I know all about career women.

I just don't want my
wife to be one of them.

I mean, what's so bad
about wanting my wife

to stay home, cook
and take care of the kids

while I go out
and make a living?

- Well, there's
nothing bad about that,

but marriage only works if
both people want the same thing.

- Charlene and I do
want the same thing.

We both want to wear
the pants in the family.

(audience laughs)

- I don't believe that,
I think she just wants

her independence, she
wants to do her own thing.

You know, you can't force her

to accept your
ideas about marriage.

- Dad, you make me sound
like a prehistoric caveman.

- Well, if the loincloth fits.

(audience laughs)

- Come on, dad.

- Son, marriage has to
be a 50-50 proposition

or it just won't work at all.

Now, don't you think
that you could bend

a little bit maybe and
meet Charlene halfway.

- I guess I can try.

- I think if you apologize to
her, she'll meet you halfway.

And listen, don't act
like an adolescent kid

who's nose is out of joint,
be more adult about it.

You know, more sophisticated.

- You really think
that'll work, dad?

- Trust me.

- Well, Charlene, I
guess the bottom line is,

do you still care about him?

- Well, of course, I do.

I love Willis.

I'd just like to pound his head

into the ground
with a croquet mallet.

(audience laughs)

Does that sound terrible?

- Not to me, only I'd
use a baseball bat.

(audience laughs)

- Well, I know one thing I'd
do if I were you, Charlene.

Willis is a really good guy.

Oh, he may be young
and opinionated,

but you could get him to change.

- You think so?

- Sure.

First of all, I would
rise above his childish,

petty attitude and be adult
and sophisticated about it.

You know like they do in
those old British movies?

And then I'd
apologize to him before

he had a chance
to apologize to me.

- Apologize?

No way.

- That would sure make
him feel guilty and foolish.

- I'll do it.

(audience laughs)

- Yeah, treat him like a puppy.

If he makes a mess,
rub his nose in it.

(audience laughs)

- If you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go and make
some breakfast, Charlene.

You wanna give
me a hand, Arnold?

- No.

- Thanks.

(audience laughs)

- Willis, I'd like to have a
word with you, my dear.

- I'd like to have a
word with you too.

- Fine, but first, I'd like to
apologize for my childish

and unsophisticated
behavior earlier.

- Oh no, it was I who was being
childish and unsophisticated

and I will like to apologize

from the bottom
of my childishness.

(audience laughs)

- Oh well, that's
very adult of you.

- Yes, it is.

(audience laughs)

Should we let
bygones be bygones?

- Darling, consider them gone.

I should've been
more understanding

when you were being such a jerk.

(audience laughs)

- That's only because you
were being so petty, my pet.

- Petty, who you calling petty?

(shouting over each other)

- Wait, wait, hold it, hold it.

It just seems we
can't get along.

- Then maybe we should
end this relationship.

- That's okay by me.

- Fine, right after the
school dance tonight.

- No, let's do it now.

Why wait?

We don't want to
spoil a good dance.

- Well, it's been interesting.

- Engrossing.

(audience laughing)

- I agree with the gross part.

See ya, sleaze ball.

- Women.

- Well, how'd our
little plan work out?

- It backfired, it bombed,
it was a total disaster.

- Hmm, funny, it never
worked for me either.

(audience laughs)

- You don't have to tell
me I look terrific, Arnold.

My mirror already did that.

(audience laughs)

- You're really gonna wear
that red tie to the school dance?

- Well, what's wrong with it?

- It looks like you're tongue

is hanging down
to your belly button.

(audience laughs)

- Kimberly, are you sure

you don't want to
come to the dance?

- Oh, I'm sure,
David's working tonight.

I'd like to stay home
and wait for his call.

- Ah, that's love.

I used to feel that way
about what's his name.

(audience laughs)

- Doesn't Charlene
look gorgeous?

- I'll say, she's
loaded with gorg.

(audience laughs)

- What are you
all dressed up for?

- Well, just because
we're not going together

doesn't mean that I
have to miss that dance.

And Kimberly was nice
enough to loan me a dress.

- And where'd you
get that perfume?

You've never smelled
like that before.

- I borrowed that
from Kimberly too.

Where'd you get that cologne?

- It's sort of a blend between
Wild Stallion and Clearasil.

(audience laughs)

It comes in handy if your
horse ever gets pimples.

(audience laughs)

- Well, I'd like to stand
around here jawing with you,

Charlene, but my date
should be here any moment.

- Your date?

- That's right, I sent a
chauffeur and limo to pick her up.

- Willis, just who is this girl?

I mean, not that I care.

(audience laughs)

- You don't know her anyway,
she's from another school.

- What'd you do,

strike out with all the
girls at your school?

(audience laughs)

- Willis, how could you have
another woman come by the house

when Charlene's still
here, that's disgusting.

- That's our boy,
Duke of Disgust.

(audience laughs)

(doorbell ringing)

- Excuse me, that's my date.

- Hi.

- Hey, Willis' date
is a real hunk.

(audience laughs)

- Can I help you?

- I'm here to pick up
Charlene, I'm her date.

- Her date?

- Oh hi, Ron, come on in.

- Well, hi there,
you look beautiful.

- Aw thank you, so do you.

- Oh who, little old moi?

Merci, I think appearance
is tre important

for a man of today's world.

- I'd like you to meet my
friends, Kimberly and Arnold.

Ron's an old friend of mine.

He goes to college,
he's a French major.

- Did you hear that Willis?
- Hello.

- Oh um, I almost forgot,
this other guy is Willis.

- Hi there.

- Hi.

(audience laughs)

- Kimberly, don't you
just love Ron's mustache?

- Oh yes, it's
very distinguished.

- Why, thank you, ladies,
thank you tre, tre much.

(audience laughs)

- This guy is making
me tre, tre sick.

(audience laughs)

(doorbell ringing)

- I'm sure that's for me.

- Hi, Willis.

- Hi there, Rosalyn.

You look fantastic.

Come on in.

- Thank you.

- Excuse me, um,
Ron, Kimberly, Arnold,

I would like you
to meet my date.

This is Rosalyn.

(group greets Rosalyn)

Oh, I almost forgot, this
other girl, um, um, Charlene.

(audience laughs)

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Boy, that is a
fabulous dress, Rosalyn.

- Oh, thank you.

- You can't wear stuff
like that, Charlene.

(audience laughs)

See Rosalyn's tall and slender

and you're built
more like a linebacker.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, unnecessary roughness.

(audience laughs)

- Wait a minute,
who is this bozo?

- Well, uh, up
until this morning,

this bozo was
Charlene's boyfriend.

- What?

- Willis, what's going on here?

You didn't tell me
you had a girlfriend.

- I don't.

She's my ex-girlfriend.

- They're not gonna be
living together anymore.

(audience laughs)

- Living together?

Look, Charlene,
I don't wanna get

in the middle of anything here,

I think it'd be
better if I just split.

- But, Ron, wait a minute.

- I'm with you,
I feel like a fool.

- Oh, but Rosalyn?

- Well, you know,
this is just fate.

Excuse me.

I saw this in a movie once
where the girl and the guy

who were strangers ended
up going to the dance together,

so what do you say?

- Buzz off, creep.

(audience laughs)

- Thanks a lot, Willis.

- Me? What did I do?

(shouting over each other)

- Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Not again.

Now, I think we've really
had about enough of this.

Would you two mind
leaving the room, please?

- Not at all, dad.

- Here we go again,
I'mma grow up stupid.

(audience laughs)

Man, when I get
married to my wife

and we go on my
honeymoon, she'll probably say,

"Arnold, would you mind
leaving the room, please?"

(audience laughs)

- Sit down, I want
to talk to you two.

- Mr. Drummond, it's just
gonna be a waste of time.

- Yeah, I don't
wanna talk to her.

- Sit.

Alright now.

What's the argument
about this time?

- She had the nerve to get
herself a date for the dance,

can you believe that?

- Me? What about you?

You did the same thing.

- Alright, alright, alright,
alright, that's enough now.

I get the picture.

Hasn't all of this taught
you two anything?

- Oh, I'm sure it's taught
Charlene something.

I'll bet that's the last time

she'll look in the
want ads for a date.

(audience laughs)

- Well, at least my
date's mustache

was better groomed
than your date's was.

(audience oohs)

- Now, these snide remarks
won't get us anywhere.

Look, I think you're
both just terrific kids,

but it's obvious to me
that at this moment,

neither one of you are ready

for any kind of a
permanent relationship.

- I think you're
right, Mr. Drummond.

- [Willis] Yeah, I agree, dad.

- And by the way, Charlene,

I just had a long
talk with your father.

He was very understanding

and he would like you to come
home tonight after the dance.

- Well, I guess I'm ready to.

- Good, good.

Now, look, kids.

It's clear to me that you
really do care for each other,

but stop thinking about
lifetime commitments.

Enjoy what you
have at the moment.

Go off to the dance together.

Oh, come on,
Willis, ask Charlene if

she'd like to go to the dance.

- Well, Charlene, do you
want to go to the dance?

(audience laughs)

- He wants to know
if you'd like to go.

- Okay, since I'm
already dressed for it.

(audience laughs)

- She said okay since
she's already dressed for it.

You know, your
enthusiasm is overwhelming.

(audience laughs)

Come on, come on, kids.

Lighten up, go out there
and have some fun together.

What do you say?

Come on, kiss and make up.

That's an order, I said kiss.

(audience laughs)

That's better.

Hey, hey, that's enough.

Hey, I said that's enough.

- Dad, we're only doing
what you said to do.

- But I didn't tell you
to do it that good.

(audience laughs)

Now, come on, off
you go, off to the dance.

- Yes, sir.
- Right away, sir.

Thanks so much, Mr. Drummond.

- Glad I could help.

Have a good time,
enjoy yourselves.

Oh and listen.

Remember, no
drinking, no smoking,

no going off to somebody's
house for a wild party,

no high-speed joy rides, be
home by midnight and no excuses.

You got it?

- Got it, we'll have a good
time some other night.

(audience laughs)

Thanks a lot, dad.

- Well, I see you handled
that pretty well, dad.

- Oh, thank you.

That's quite a compliment coming

from a man of your
vast experience.

Why were you eavesdropping?

- 'Cause I'm trying
to learn about life.

Every time something comes
up, you ask me to leave the room.

- Well, you got a
point there, Arnold.

Come on, sit down.

Now, what would
you like to know?

- Everything.

(audience laughs)

- Everything?

- Well, at least enough
so that when I'm a father,

I'll know when to kick my
own kids out of the room.

(audience laughs)

(audience clapping)

(It Takes Diff'rent
Strokes by Alan Thicke)

♪ Now, the world don't move
to the b*at of just one drum

♪ What might be right for
you, may not be right for some

♪ A man is born,
he's a man of means

♪ Then along come two,
they got nothing but their jeans

♪ But they got,
Diff'rent Strokes

♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes

♪ It takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world

♪ Yes it does

♪ It takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world
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