06x04 - The Other Woman

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

(no voice)

♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪

♪ And I bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothing we
can't love each other through ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ Sha-la-la-la. ♪



Mom, Dad...

ELYSE:
Hmm?

Nick and I have some wonderful
news to share with you.

No! No.

Don't say it!

Please.

No.

Do you want to tell 'em?

Uh, no, you tell 'em.

Nobody tell 'em.

Mom, Dad, Jen...

Nick got a job.

Oh, thank God!

I love this boy.

We're real proud of you, Nick.

How long do you think
you can hold it? Uh...

What-what kind of job is it?

I sell... light bulbs
to people over the phone.

Sounds more like
a practical joke than a job.

Come on, Nick.
Show 'em how you do it.

Uh, uh, uh, uh, all right,

but I have to follow
this standard procedure here.

Okay. "Number one:
Before dialing,

be sure to be seated comfortably
in your chair."

- MALLORY: Okay.
- (Nick clears his throat)

You're doing great, Nick.

You're a natural at this.

Okay, I, uh, I'm seated,
I'm comfortable.

There's only one problem now.

What?

I can't reach the phone.

Nick, why don't you try it
without the chair?

You're an artist.
You can improvise!

- Come on!
- Well, all right.

You know, it-it's not company
policy, but I'll just

- give it a sh*t here.
- STEVEN: Yeah.

I'm just gonna pick a client
from my list here,

and, uh, dial.

- This is so exciting!
- (Nick clears his throat)

(clears his throat)

Uh, hello, uh, Mrs. Bianco. Hey.

(Nick laughs)

Uh, how would you like
to buy some light bulbs?

MALLORY:
Hm?

NICK:
Oh.

Oh, well, hey, I-I'm real sorry
about that, ma'am.

Oh, she had some good arguments.

I mean, for one thing,
she wasn't Mrs. Bianco.

Hey... It's late.

I-I got to get going.

My company's having
a big employee seminar...

"Japanese Lanterns:

They are not just
for parties anymore."

Oh, wow.

I'll walk you out.

Alex isn't home yet?

No, honey, he's still
at the library with Lauren.

Wall Street Week is starting.

He's gonna miss it.

Don't worry.
They wouldn't start without him.

(Steven laughs)

It's a special show
about coin collecting.

Well, maybe he forgot it was on.

What am I saying?

He has to see it.

We're going
to the coin fair on Saturday.

Why don't you go in
and start watching,

and when Alex gets here,
he'll join you.

No, no, no!

That's not how it works.

We always watch it
from the beginning.

We like to sing the theme song.

Um, well, here,
I'll-I'll watch it with you.

ALEX:
Hey.

- Hi, honey. Hi, Lauren.
- Hi.

Alex, you're late
for Wall Street Week.

Andy's in there waiting for you.

Oh, yeah.
Couldn't be helped, Mom.

Couldn't be helped.

It's a big psychology lecture.

I didn't want to miss it.
You know me.

Oh. What was it about?

A favorite professor
of mine was lecturing

on the cognitive powers
of African baboons.

Oh, it sounds interesting.

Why was Alex there?

Because I'm a very supportive
boyfriend, Mom.

Lauren's interests
are my interests.

She wanted me to be there,
so I went.

Means a lot to her.

I'm impressed.

Oh, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.

Alex, hurry!

Wall Street Week is starting!

Ooh, listen, uh, I'm going
to skip it today, okay, pal?

But I already made the popcorn,

and the cash register's
all heated up.

Yeah, well, uh,
you know, Lauren's here, so...

But we always watch it together.

Well, I know we do, but, uh,
Lauren's not always here.

Yes, she is.

So, Lauren, how-how's
your psychology study coming?

Oh, I think it's going very...

Oh, very, very well. Very well.

Uh, she's doing a fantastic job.

Have you decided
to have Alex committed yet?

Want to go in the other room
and play, Alex?

No, not-not...
not right now, Andy.

But we always play
before dinner.

I know, I know, Andy, but
we don't always have company.

You know, Lauren, I was reading
a little Jung yesterday,

and I was really fascinated

by his use of dreams
in psychoanalysis.

Can you analyze dreams?

Can she analyze dreams?

She... she's like Carnac.

Go ahead, go ahead,
go ahead, show 'em.

Analyze something.

You know, um...
I had a dream last night.

I... (laughs)

I, uh... I-I did, I did.
I, uh...

I... I was walking
down the street,

and suddenly, I noticed, um,

I didn't have any clothes on.

(laughs)

That's gross, Dad.

S-So, I just, uh...
I just ran around,

hiding behind cars,
trying to find my clothes.

Was I in this dream?

Um, well, yes you were.

You were playing racquetball
with Dwight Eisenhower.

But, but, oh...

let's-let's stick
to my part. Uh...

What do you make of this,
Lauren?

Is there any hope for my dad?

Well, dream analysis
is very complex.

Um... but if I had
to take an educated guess,

I would say
that this dream shows

that your Dad's trying
to hide something.

And there's a part of him
he doesn't want anyone to see,

which is probably
why he has that beard.

Or maybe not.

- No, no, no...
- I'm just a student!

- No, no, that's fine. - You know,
I can be completely wrong.

- In fact, I know I am.
- STEVEN: No, you're...

No, you're right.
Obviously.

How about this, Lauren?

Is she my little Miss Freud
or what?

And she can take a perfectly
innocent-looking dream

about a man running around naked

while his wife plays racquetball
with a former president,

and use it to prove

that that same man
has deep-seated abnormalities.

Abnormali? What's abnormal?

- All I did was look for
my clothes! - ELYSE: Uh, Steven,

uh, Steven, can-can we talk
about this in private?

Of course! Of cour...
Why? Are you worried?

(Steven stammers)

Well, I... It's...

I'm fine.

No. I-I... I just want you
to tell me what / was wearing.

A lovely sunflowered
tennis dress.

Uh, ruffles; very pretty.

And-and President Eisenhower?

The same dress.

And were you furious!

Time to play yet?

Uh, uh, no, no, not yet, Andy.

I had a dream.
It was really weird.

I... I was in the mall, and, uh,

and I went into my favorite
store, and I bought this...

I bought this really beautiful
red leather jacket

that I've wanted
for the last two months.

What do you think
that could mean?

I think it means you really
wanted to buy the jacket.

Wow! I...

Uh, hello. Um, hello,
Mr. Bowman.

Hi. I'm Nick Moore,
and I really want to sell you...

(clearing his throat):
Ah!

Thought I had him there
for a minute.

Boy, I thought so, too.

I-I bet he's praying
you'll call him back.

- (doorbell rings)
- ALEX: I got it!

I got it! I got it! I got it!

I got it.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Whoa, whoa!

Not in front
of the you-know-whos.

Oh, Alex, let her kiss you.

Get it while you can.

Nice jacket, Mallory.

Oh.

STEVEN:
Hi, Lauren.

- ELYSE: Hi, Lauren.
- Hi.

Where are you guys off to?

Little touch football game
at McKinley Field.

A bunch of us play
every Saturday.

- Just a friendly game.
- Whoa, whoa.

Yeah, yeah,
it was a friendly game

till I was invited to play.

(grunts)
Whoa.

Oh.

Sorry. Just a reflex.

Yeah, let's just keep it
a friendly game, yeah.

Uh, oh, um, um, by...

by-by the way, Lauren, um,
I-I just want to mention, uh,

I had another dream last night.

Um, this time,
I had all my clothes,

but I didn't have my beard.

I'm really happy
for you, Mr. Keaton.

That's real progress.

(Steven laughs)

Yeah, we'll see you.
We'll see you.

Have a good time.

(Steven sighs)

Dad, you have
the weirdest dreams.

Uh, uh, uh, maybe so,
but this explains a lot to me.

Well, how-how is, uh...
how's that, Nick?

Well, last night,
I dreamt that I had your beard.

Oh.

Where's Alex?

He went to play football
with Lauren, Andy.

But he's supposed to take me
to the coin fair.

It's today.

- Oh. Oh, no! Oh!
- STEVEN: Oh, wait.

(car engine revving,
Steven speaks quietly)

Oh, Andy,
I'm-I'm sorry.

I'm-I'm sure
it just slipped his mind.

He wouldn't do anything
to hurt you.

Oh... Andy...

You're bad, Alex!
A bad, bad boy.

(high-pitched):
I'm sorry, Andy.

Don't hurt me!

(gulps)

What's this?

Stuff.

This is all stuff
that Alex gave you.

I'm giving it back.

The See-It, Say-It Book
of Ohio Tax Laws?

Would you help me
get this picture down?

Come here, Andy.
Come here.

I understand
why you'd feel hurt.

You two had planned
a wonderful outing together,

and-and he went running off
somewhere else.

It was going
to be just a very special day,

just you and your big brother.

He forgot all about it.

Now I'm really depressed.

- Hey, guys.
- MALLORY: Hi, Andy.

Well, how are you feeling, Andy?

JENNIFER:
Hi, Andy.

Andy... don't worry about Alex.

See, sooner or later, Lauren's
gonna come to her senses

and send him packing,
then he'll be all yours again.

And if he doesn't come back,

this is your chance
to grow up normal.

- STEVEN: Andy... hey...
- Andy, look,

if you don't want
to go to the coin fair,

there are lots
of other things we can do.

We can go to the mall.

We can go shopping.

We could get makeovers.

Nah.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, look,

little guy, you know,
I'm real sorry you're upset

and, uh...
I hope this cheers you up.

I know it's not much,
but, uh, here's a bug light.

ALEX:
Hey, hey, so this

is where everybody is!
Hey, Andy.

Andy, what's the matter?

(sighs): Alex, today...
today was the big coin fair.

You promised to take Andy.

Oh... no.

I forgot.

And you broke
a little boy's heart.

Way to go, Alex.

ELYSE:
All right, all right, everybody,

find something else to do,

preferably in another room.

I-I didn't mean you, Steven.

Yeah, right, right.

(sighs)

Andy?

Andy, listen, uh...

I'm-I'm really,
really sorry, buddy.

I'm sorry I forgot
about the coin fair.

It was just an accident.

He feels so left out, honey.

He just loves you so much.

All right,
know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna make it up to him.

I'm gonna make it up
to him tomorrow.

Lauren and I were
gonna take him out anyway.

We got
the perfect thing planned.

What are you gonna do?

Gonna go to a lecture on campus.

Oh, I'm sure he'll love that.

On second thought, um...

uh, we'll go to Playland.
Huh? How does that sound?

We'll go on some rides,
play some video games... huh?

What do you think of that, Andy?

Could I have cotton candy?

All you want.

Will I have
to pay for you again?

Hey, hey,

isn't this the best fun, huh?

Got my favorite guy,
got my favorite girl.

Alex, you're leaning on my hair.

Oh. Sorry. Whoa.

You know, I see a lot of
potential in this relationship.

You guys are like... you're like
a Hope and Crosby for the ' s.

So let's get
a little chatter going, huh?

Uh, uh, Lauren, you want to...
ask Andy some questions?

Alex, this isn't
The Dating Game.

Just let the conversation
happen in a more natural way.

Well, come on, what's
more natural than a middleman?

Andy, why don't you tell Lauren
a little bit about yourself...

hobbies, you know, career goals,

what you look for in a woman.

I'm thirsty.

He's opening up.

Do you want a soda, Andy?
I'll get it.

What's your favorite flavor?

Orange.

One orange soda coming up.

Okay, all right!

Well, what do you think?
Is she a great girl?

Why is she here?

Well, I-I told you yesterday,
she was gonna be here.

I thought you were kidding.

Here's your soda, Andy. Orange.

I didn't want orange,
I wanted root beer.

I hate orange.

I'll get you a root beer.

Ginger ale.

Right.

No, wait a minute,
wait a minute, Lauren... Andy...

Andy, you said orange.
I was here, I heard you.

Now, what's the deal here?

We're supposed to be having fun.

No.

Look, there's no reason
to get upset, okay?

I'll just get you a ginger ale.

No, I'll get the ginger ale...
uh, you guys stay,

just get better acquainted.

Look, Andy,

I'm really sorry about the fact

that you missed
the coin fair yesterday.

Alex and I were playing football
and he forgot.

He feels real bad about it, too.

Alex is a very special guy...

I can see why
you like him so much.

He's okay.

Oh, dinosaurs.

Oh, I've always liked dinosaurs.

Oh, yeah? I don't like 'em.

They're dumb.

Hey.

Hey, don't let me interrupt.

Just wanted
to bring you ginger ale.

Come on, keep the chatter going.

You guys are cookin'.

I'm gonna go
play Space Invaders.

(Alex groans)

I don't know, Lauren.

Andy... Andy is really
a very sweet kid,

you know, he's very special.

I-I, I wish you could see
that side of him.

Well, you know,
this is gonna take time.

You can't force things.

I like to force things.

Don't worry, it'll come.

Look, right now,
he's just having

a very common psychological
reaction for children.

I've read all about this...
he's feeling threatened,

so he's trying to get
your attention by misbehaving.

Right, right.
So what do I do?

I don't know.
That's next semester.

Hey, hey,

hey, Andy... An... Whoa!

Andy, stop it, stop it.

Hey, stop it.

What's going on here?
What are you doing?

Leave me alone!
You don't love me anymore!

You just love her!

- LAUREN: Andy...
- Go away! Go away!

He's my brother!

So, then I find myself
walking down the street.

The, uh...

the same...

the same street
as in my last dream...

only... only this time,
I'm wearing only a beret

and a Miss Wyoming banner.

- I have to go upstairs now...
- No, wait...

Wait, wait, there's more.

(door opens)

I got it! I...

Oh, well, how'd the day go?

It didn't work.

It just didn't work.
We tried everything.

We played Space Invaders.
We ate cotton candy.

I spent bucks at Pokerino
trying to win him a giraffe.

- He's still miserable.
- ELYSE: Well, you can't expect

to win him back
all at once, honey.

He's really going through
a tough change here.

God, I feel guilty.

Coming between
you and your brother.

Oh, don't you start with me.

I took you to Playland.
You had cotton candy.

Look, I know there's
a problem here, okay?

The question is:
How do we solve it?

Come on, you guys,
you're parents...

you've seen this one before;
what do we do?

Well, he's a kid, you know?

It's hard to make him really
understand what's going on.

He's easily confused
by the things that you do.

Actually, we all are.

(Alex sighs)

- Hi.
- Hi.

Sorry things didn't work out
at Playland.

Me, too.
I'm out bucks.

I didn't even get the giraffe.

That was a loan, all right?

I told you, I'll pay you back.

Listen...

I know that
we're going through...

a kind of tough adjustment
right now...

but you got to remember...

that I love you, okay?

I love you very much.

I always will.
You know, you're my brother,

and nothing is
gonna change that.

You just have to remember
that I care about Lauren, too.

Why?

Because...

because she's smart,

she's sweet, she's very nice.

What does she have
that I don't have?

I'm gonna be honest
with you, Andy.

A lot.

Um, and she's a girl, you know?

It's different with girls.

I find her very...
very attractive.

I'm attractive.

No argument, no argument.

You are. You are.

Uh, it's-it's just that,

uh, Lauren makes me feel
very special.

I can do that.

Andy, we're getting
into a very tricky area here.

Uh, okay, look,
when I'm around Lauren...

I want to hug her, you know?

I want to kiss her.

We do that, too.

She eats all her vegetables
and she goes to bed on time.

She wins.

Look, Andy...

it's not a matter of winning
or losing in this case...

but only in this case.

You just have to understand
that I can care about...

about you and Lauren
at the same time,

it doesn't make me
love you any less.

- It doesn't?
- Look...

we're still gonna
spend time together.

I mean, we're
still gonna have fun.

It's just that now, you know,

you're gonna have to share me
with Lauren.

Share?!

I know, normally
I'm against it...

but you're just gonna have to
trust me on this one, all right?

All right.

Look, Andy, I'm sorry

that I haven't paid
much attention to you lately.

And I know you
want me to know...

I know you must've been
pretty upset to do what you did.

I'm sorry, Alex,
I just miss you.

I miss the old days.

Hey... I love you.

- I love you, too.
- All right.

Okay.

Mm!

Listen...

do me one favor?

I want you to try
and be friends with Lauren.

Okay? 'Cause she really wants
to be friends with you.

Okay.

Okay. Now, she's outside...

and she told me that she
really wants to see your room.

All right?

Okay, now, remember,
you're the host here.

You got to try
to make her feel comfortable.

Got it?

Hi. Welcome to my room.

(whispers):
How am I doing, Alex?

Keep it coming, keep it coming.

I brought you something.

What?

- Thought you might be thirsty.
- Thank you.

So this is your room, huh?

I like it.

Oh, teddy bears.

Do you like teddy bears?

I don't know, do you?

Yes, I like them very much.

Me, too.

You know, this is my story time.

- Alex reads me stories.
- All right, well,

I'll leave you two guys alone.

No, wait, wait,
maybe he can read to both of us.

Yeah, sure. Sure, sure.

Okay, climb up, climb up.

All right, this is a good story.

This is a good story.

Chapter one.

"Deferring Income
to the Next Tax Year..."

MAN:
Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

(Ubu barks)