♪ ♪
(no voice)
♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪
♪ And I bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪
♪ Oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪
♪ On the night we kissed ♪
♪ And I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪
♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪
♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪
♪ And there ain't no nothing we
can't love each other through ♪
♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪
Okay, now, here's what we do.
Everyone take
his own fortune cookie.
And then we'll break our cookies
and we'll read
our fortunes aloud.
Now, Andy, be very careful
how you open that cookie.
There's an old Oriental proverb
that says,
"If you tear your fortune,
you'll have bad luck."
Here, now, watch.
Watch this.
This is...
That's real good, Dad.
What's it say?
"Stop telling people...
how to open fortune cookies."
Well, I got my usual one.
"Fame, fortune and riches
are yours for the asking...
Alex."
Here goes mine.
"Alex, no more personalized
fortunes until you pay up.
Signed Mr. Wong."
Uh, what does...
what does yours say, Andy?
I ate mine.
JENNIFER:
Oh, come on, Andy.
We'll go find you
another fortune.
Okay.
- Hi.
- STEVEN: Well, hi!
Hello, everybody.
Well, I hope you haven't come
for dinner, Skip.
- We're finished.
- Oh, no, no, no.
Tonight's meat loaf
surprise night at my house.
Old Handelman tradition.
Just a regular meat loaf
with many different
foreign coins hidden in it.
Sounds delicious.
Skippy, can I please
tell them my news now?
Of course. I was just
getting them warmed up.
Okay. I...
Everybody, I did something today
that I never thought
I'd do before.
You wore plaids with checks?
No. Something at school.
- You wrote in pen.
- Oh!
MALLORY:
No.
I have decided to run
for school president.
- Great idea!
- ELYSE: Oh, that's terrific!
- Good, honey.
- Thank you.
Wow! Tell me, Mal,
how do they decide
who's going to run
for president of Grant?
I mean, I mean, what do you...
what do you need
to qualify for that,
a "D" average and a pulse?
They're not really strict
about the "D" average.
Honey, this is wonderful,
but I got to admit
I'm a little surprised.
You've never shown any interest
in politics before.
Yeah, I know...
I don't know.
It just came to me
out of nowhere.
I was sitting
with a bunch of my friends,
and they said,
"Why don't you run?"
And I said, "Are you kidding?"
And then I thought,
"Huh, I don't know.
It could be fun.
Sounds like a neat job."
So I said, "What the heck,"
you know?
(Steven chuckles)
That's pretty much
the way Reagan decided to run.
Let me tell you one thing, Mal:
Don't take any, uh, political
wisdom from Mom and Dad.
What is that supposed to mean?
Let's face it...
politically speaking,
you two are the kiss of death.
I mean, just look at the
candidates you supported.
Uh, McGovern, Humphrey...
uh, Mr. Excitement himself,
Walter Mondale.
Those names sound so familiar.
Do they go to Grant?
Look, Alex,
we don't get involved
in the campaigns just to win.
We do it because we feel deeply
about certain political or...
or moral issues.
It would be nice
to win occasionally.
Well, then, you should work
on Mallory's campaign,
'cause she's going to win.
Everybody at school loves her.
She's... really popular.
Skippy's my campaign manager.
(Alex chuckles)
Well... well, uh, no, you're...
you're well on your way.
I just thought Skippy could, uh,
help me keep in touch
with all the people at Grant
that nobody talks to.
I'm close with them.
MALLORY:
Wait, wait.
Listen... listen to my fortune.
"Good fortune
will soon smile on you."
It's good luck for the campaign.
What does yours say, Skippy?
"You have minutes to live."
How does this sound
for a campaign slogan?
- "Vote for Mallory."
- Um...
We need something more direct,
livelier.
How about just, "Vote"?
That's-that's good, Skippy,
but it doesn't say for who.
Well, you could stand
next to the sign.
But I can't be
everywhere at once.
Okay. Maybe that's it.
"Vote for Mallory.
She can't be
everywhere at once."
- Hi.
- Hi.
Mallory, congratulations.
I heard you're running
for president of Grant.
- That's great.
- Thanks.
- Too bad I can't vote for you.
- Aw.
What do you mean?
Skippy, only students at Grant
can vote in this election.
Oh, great.
Well, there goes
my grandma's vote.
What's this, Mal,
material for your campaign?
Yes, Alex.
Don't look at it.
- You'll just make fun of it.
- ALEX: No!
No, not at all.
No, I'm glad
you're getting involved.
I'm interested.
What, uh... what's your
campaign platform?
What's my platform, Skippy?
We're trying to run
a campaign here.
We don't have time
to build a platform.
(doorbell rings)
I'll get it.
- Hi, Amy.
- Hi, Alex.
Uh, this is Amy Sussman,
Skippy's girlfriend.
- Amy, this is Lauren.
- Hi.
- Hi. How you doing?
- AMY: Sorry I'm late, guys.
Amy is my campaign treasurer.
- Hey, g*ng!
- Well, well, it looks like
we walked in on this big,
executive campaign meeting.
Yeah. Oh, you know, Mal,
uh, maybe I can help you.
Uh, I don't want to brag, but
I-I was president in college.
Really, Dad?
You were president
of your school?
Well, not exactly
the entire school.
I was, uh, president
of the South Campus
Aluminum Can Recycling Club.
(sighs)
And a damn fine one, too.
Well, uh...
Excuse me, but if...
but if Mallory's going to win,
she's going to need
something more
than a "give a hoot,
don't pollute" platform.
Oh, I like that.
Can we use it, Mr. Keaton?
- Be my guest, Skip.
- Well, good-bye.
We're going to go
pick Andy up at school.
Would you mind
dropping me off at campus?
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, no, not at all, Lauren.
It'll give me time to, uh,
tell you a little bit about
the work I did as president
of the recycling club.
Steven, I've heard that story
a million times.
Sit in the back, Elyse.
You know, I had a little slogan,
and I had a little magnet...
I think the first thing
we need is a, uh...
a good campaign strategy.
Any ideas?
I have a few ideas.
But first, I have a question.
What exactly
is a campaign strategy?
Well, a campaign strategy
is a...
(softly):
Alex...
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
It's your campaign.
You guys run with it.
Go ahead, Mal.
Uh... a campaign strategy, huh?
What's something
that you really believe in?
Like, uh, more study hours,
hard work, good grades.
No, not those.
Well, what, then?
Well, I guess I feel
that the students
should have more of a say
in what goes on at Grant.
Like, remember last year,
out of the blue,
all of a sudden, they took out
the diet soda machine?
And-and I said,
"This is wrong."
A lot of people...
a lot of people agreed.
There you go, Mal.
There you go. That's good.
That's good.
That's something the students
can get behind.
Diet soda?
Well, it's not just
diet soda, Mal.
It's-it's a vision
that you stand for,
uh, to make life easier
and more pleasurable for...
weight-conscious students.
"Vote for Mal, go low-cal."
Look, Alex, I don't know if
I can get the soda machine
put back in.
And I don't want to make
promises I can't keep.
Well, you have no place
in politics.
Well, I'll tell you...
I'd vote for someone
who could get
that soda machine back.
There you go, Mal.
There you go.
I can feel the groundswell
starting.
SKIPPY:
I'll tell you something else.
I miss the low-fat
chocolate milk
with the twisty straws.
Who doesn't? Who doesn't?
I can feel it, Mal.
You're going to win this thing.
I do have another idea
about changing
the color of the drapes
in the student center.
I like it. It's hip.
It's fresh.
It's contemporary.
It's what the people want.
I'm telling you, Mal, there's
only one ingredient missing here
for a winning campaign.
Let's see, we've got diet soda,
chocolate milk and drapes.
What's she missing?
Oh, Alex, I don't know.
- I'm nervous about this.
- Oh, come on, Mal.
You've got nothing
to worry about.
It's the first day
on the campaign trail.
Let's go out there
and let's get 'em, huh?
Remember our platform?
"Confidence, diet soda
and new drapes."
All right, let's go.
(Alex clears throat)
Hi there. Hello.
Hi. Uh, I'd like you
to meet Mallory Keaton,
uh, candidate for
student government president.
- Hi.
- Hi.
How-how... how's your sandwich?
Not bad.
MALLORY:
Oh.
It looks a little dry.
I bet you could use a diet soda
to go with that.
I hate diet soda.
MALLORY (quietly):
What do I do?
- Try the drapes,
try the drapes. - Oh.
Don't you think we could use
some new drapes in here?
I mean, these are so ugly.
My mother made those drapes.
Alex, why does it
have to be so complicated?
Why can't I just put up posters,
pass out buttons
and take my chances?
Because you want to win, okay?
And you're going to win.
Trust me. Trust me.
I've got every detail
worked out.
(coughs loudly)
Look, honey.
It's Mallory Keaton,
our choice for
student government president.
She looks just like she does
on these buttons.
And these posters.
Mallory, is it true
that you're planning on getting
a new soda machine
for the snack bar?
And low-fat chocolate milk
with twisty straws?
Well, I was thinking about it.
Alex, what's going on?
(whispering):
Mallory, it's me, Skippy.
(door opens)
Hey!
Where is a guy supposed to get
a diet soda around this place?
And a room with
some decent drapes?
Well... you raise a fine point,
young man.
You know... you know,
Grant College
is in desperate need
of new, fresh leadership.
Hey, you are damn right,
you know,
and I don't even
go to school here.
Alex, what's going on?
Hey, Mal, it's me, Nick.
(clears throat)
Excuse me, did you say something
about a soda machine?
Yes, she did.
Yes, she did.
Uh, have you seen
Mallory's position paper?
Alex, I haven't seen
my position paper.
Look at this: "If elected,
Mallory Keaton promises
to put an end to pop quizzes."
(students murmuring)
- What?
- If you like that...
if you like that,
try number three.
"Frequent flyer bonus miles
for commuting students."
(students whoop, murmur)
We can't do that.
Oh, come on,
look at these people.
They're delirious.
They'll do anything for you.
Just go with it.
Go with it.
"Free trips to Hawaii
for all students
with passing grades
in two or more subjects!"
(students exclaim loudly)
- Alex!
- Yeah!
Don't worry about it!
The plane will be empty.
STUDENTS (chanting):
Mallory! Mallory! Mallory!
Mallory! Mallory!
Mallory...
Hey! What have you got
there, Andy?
A poster for Mallory's campaign.
Alex asked me to hang it up
in the kitchen.
Uh-huh, well,
what is it, uh...
Well it's good to see
the campaign
has brought out
Alex's sense of fairness.
Yeah. Mallory wasn't even
on the first poster.
- Hi, guys.
- ELYSE: Hi, honey.
- Oh, did you, uh?
- I'm so t... Oh, great!
He finally put my picture on it.
Mm-hmm.
Where have you been, honey?
Oh, all over.
Alex has the Keaton
campaign trail fully booked.
I was over on campus
this morning
passing out campaign buttons
to people in the infirmary.
Alex said I should get them
in a weakened state.
And then I was over
at the snack bar
passing out little
mustard packets with
"Let Mallory spice up your life"
printed on 'em.
Oh, here are some extras.
Here you go.
- Oh, boy.
- Thanks.
Yeah. And then, uh, we finished
it off with a lengthy stint
on the Keaton campaign truck.
- The Keaton campaign truck?
- Mm-hmm.
MAN (over loudspeaker):
Mallory Keaton for
Grant College
student presidency.
Mallory's campaign manager,
Alex P. Keaton!
("The Stars and Stripes Forever"
plays, crowd cheering)
I want to see it!
I want to talk
through the microphone!
Come on, Andy.
We'll go take a look.
(door closes)
Are you enjoying the campaign?
It's tiring, but it's fun.
I mean,
I've been speaking in public.
I've met everyone on campus.
And I've... I've had a chance
to really listen
to people and find out
what they're thinking.
What are they thinking?
Well, some are thinking
about their future,
and some are concerned
about academics,
and some are just sort of
staring straight ahead.
- Well, that sounds great.
- Yeah.
It's a good experience for you.
Well, I-I think it's nice.
You know, it's a chance
for you and Alex
- to get to work together again.
- Mm-hmm.
I mean, you... you haven't
worked together since...
well... well, since you
did that, uh...
When did they work together,
Steven?
Alex and Mal?
Oh, well, uh, let's see.
There was, um... let's see.
There was, uh...
So this is the first time
you've worked together, huh?
Yeah. It's been great.
We're getting along really well.
We haven't been fighting at all.
Well, I think it's wonderful.
I mean,
particularly knowing Alex,
you'd think that he'd be,
you know...
M-A-double L-O-R-Y.
That spells "Mallory."
...going overboard.
Well, Mal, we've got that new
campaign poster.
I think it's going to add a new
dimension to the campaign.
MAN (over loudspeaker):
Mallory Keaton for Grant College
student presidency.
ANDREW (over loudspeaker):
If you don't vote for my sister,
I won't vote for your sister.
Hi, Mom and Dad.
Come out and see.
I'm driving!
(phone ringing)
Keaton campaign headquarters.
Uh, just a second.
Uh, Alex, command post
number seven checking in.
Yeah, hi,
command post number seven.
Did you get those posters up
at Delaware Hall yet?
Well... listen, Jennifer.
I don't... I don't care
if you're tired.
Okay, give me command post
number six, will you?
Yeah, Andy... yeah, light a fire
under your sister, will you?
- Thanks.
- Uh-uh.
Command post number six,
it's almost time for bed.
Alex, Alex,
shouldn't I be doing something?
- I mean, I am the candidate.
- Absolutely.
Why don't you go over
your acceptance speech?
Oh. "This is
truly a glorious day
for freedom-loving people
everywhere."
Alex, I only promised them a
soda machine, not a revolution.
Could we tone it down?
Yeah, absolutely.
Uh, Mom, um...
"This is truly a glorious day
for carbonated beverage-loving
people everywhere."
Alex, if I'm elected president,
I'm going to have to start
making some of my own decisions.
Uh, what...
what do you mean, Mal?
I'm saying things that would not
normally come out of my mouth.
That's because they're coming
out of my mouth.
Alex, I don't know
if I just want to be a puppet.
Oh! Oh, suddenly puppet's not
good enough for you.
It just doesn't feel like me.
Look, Mal, we've come
this far together.
Once you're president,
you can do whatever you want.
But for now, please,
trust me, okay?
- SKIPPY: Alex.
- Hi.
- Hey, where were you guys?
- We went to vote.
Yeah, well, what took so long?
I got stuck in the voting booth.
I couldn't get those little
curtains to open up.
I tried to help him out,
and I got stuck in there myself.
- Hey.
- Hi. How are you?
- Hey. Hey.
- Oh, hi, Nick.
Hey! I, uh, got you these
for good luck.
Oh, thank you. That's sweet.
It was no big deal, you know.
Besides, if you get
elected president,
then I'll be the first lady
of Grant College.
I'm sure they'll use that
in all the brochures.
Hey, uh, nothing
for the campaign manager?
Just this.
No flowers? Nothing?
If you win.
JENNIFER: Alex, quick,
turn on the radio!
They're announcing
the election results!
ELYSE:
Oh!
- STEVEN: Come on, Andy.
- NICK: Hey!
- Nervous, Mal?
- Oh, a little bit,
but I'm excited, too.
- Good luck.
- Thanks.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: This is
WGRW, the voice of Grant College.
Grant College... conveniently
located near all major highways.
Just get to the results.
We don't have
the final totals just yet
in today's student government
presidential election.
Ah, what... what, are you having
trouble counting the votes?
ANNOUNCER: We're having a little
trouble counting the votes.
It's not that
the votes aren't in;
it's just that we're having
trouble counting them.
Well, we finally got this
sorted out!
The new president of
Grant College is Marsha Elkins.
ALL:
What?!
ANNOUNCER:
Marsha Elkins.
(all groan)
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
Mal, you were great, really.
You tried...
(murmuring, applause)
Speech! Speech!
Oh. Well, thanks, everybody,
for your support.
You know, you really worked
hard, and it means a lot.
Thanks to everyone
who voted for me,
and thanks to my family
and... and my brother
and campaign manager,
Alex P. Keaton.
STEVEN:
Yeah.
(applause)
He taught me to strive hard
and do my best,
and who, I'm sure, would want me
to be gracious in defeat.
Marsha Elkins...
that idiot!
I demand a recount.
I demand a recount.
I'm sorry you didn't win, Mal.
Oh, thanks.
I'm fine, though.
It's really no big deal.
Oh, that's easy for you to say.
Your mother and I thought
we were finally going
to win an election.
Alex says, "If you want to win,
you have to vote Republican."
Go back to sleep.
ELYSE:
Alex, where were you?
Oh, I was over
at the math department
trying to get the final tally
on the vote.
Took a while because they were
counting on their fingers.
Anyway, uh, they were right.
You lost by votes.
We're proud of you, honey.
Takes a lot of courage
just to run.
And I know
how hard you tried, Mal.
I, uh... I've never
mentioned this before,
but the first time
I ran for president
of the South Campus
Aluminum Can Recycling Club...
I lost.
It was to Warren McCracken.
Uh, the-the interesting thing
about Warren,
he... he had a nose
for aluminum.
He... he could spot
an aluminum can at...
Give it up, Dad.
You know, Mal, this election
is not over by a long sh*t.
First thing in the morning,
I'm going back to that campus
and I'm going to demand
another recount.
Another recount? Why?
Because, Mal, there were
numerous voting
irregularities there.
I know. I committed them.
Look, Alex, it's over.
I mean, I-I-I ran, I tried hard,
and-and I lost,
and that's it.
Why did you do it?
I mean, why did you suddenly get
so involved with my life?
I don't know, Mal.
I don't know.
I guess, um... I guess I-I...
I just finally saw something
we could do together.
I mean,
something we had in common.
I just... I just wanted to jump
at the chance to do it.
Pretty soon, we're not
going to be living
under the same roof
together anymore.
Are you trying to tell me
that you're moving out?
Don't get too excited, Mal.
I'm trying to be sensitive here.
Oh, sorry.
Anyway, the fact is, um,
pretty soon, we...
we may not be seeing each other
that much.
I mean, uh, I'm going
to graduate, marry Lauren,
get a job on Wall Street,
move to New York.
Well, I'm going to graduate,
marry Nick
and get a job
in the fashion industry
and move to New York.
You aren't going to live uptown,
are you?
Downtown.
- Well, there you go.
- Yeah, right.
We won't be seeing...
Anyway, I just wanted
to make the most of the last
times we have together.
Well, you know,
it's funny, Alex.
Any... any time we try
to do something together,
it turns out to be a disaster.
No. No, that's not true.
That's not true.
We've had some very good times
together.
You remember when we were kids?
Saturday mornings, okay?
Mom and Dad would sleep late.
And we'd come down at :
in the morning in our pajamas.
Right, exactly.
Uh, I was five,
and you were about seven.
Um, I'd start breakfast, and
you'd go down in the driveway
and get the Wa// Street Journa/.
Mom and Dad would always
leave out that box of granola,
- 'cause they didn't want us
to eat sugared cereals. - Right.
We used to go over to Skippy's
and get Fruit Loops.
You'd think they'd notice
we had the same box of granola
for years.
Oh, you know
when else we had fun?
Uh, remember when Mom and Dad
finally decided
we could stay home
without a babysitter?
And we'd make popcorn
and watch TV?
And we were supposed to be
in bed, asleep by : ,
and we were too scared
to turn out the lights?
No, I... I wasn't scared.
Alex, you used to cry
until Mom and Dad came home.
I missed them.
So we'd... we'd go up
to my room and talk, and...
and I'd tell you which boys
I liked in school,
and you'd tell me which ones
had the best earning potential.
And look who you wound up with.
Yeah.
We don't talk like that anymore.
It's too bad.
Well, it's an interesting thing,
you know.
I mean... I mean,
I can argue politics with Dad
or, uh, discuss family stuff
with Mom.
Or discuss economics
with Jennifer.
But you... you understand
my emotional side
better than anybody.
Really?
I didn't think you even had one.
Come on.
Remember the night after Ellen
left for Paris?
You stayed up all night,
you know,
talking to me
and listening to me.
You understood.
Well, I'll never forget
those nights
you stayed up trying
to teach me long division.
You got a concussion
from banging your head
against the wall.
I still don't understand it.
You know, I'm going to look back
on life in this house,
and I'm going to remember
those mornings.
And I'm going to remember
the nights babysitting.
And I'm going to
remember tonight.
Me, too.
(Alex grunts)
Sorry about the election, huh?
We'll get 'em next year.
Oh, not a chance.
- I got an idea.
- What?
I have an idea.
Tomorrow morning, we'll wake up
just like we used to.
We come down in our pajamas,
and we make breakfast.
Granola is still here.
MAN:
Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.
(Ubu barks)
06x11 - Citizen Keaton
Watch/Buy Amazon
Set in suburban Columbus, Ohio during the Reagan administration, Steven and Elyse Keaton are baby boomers, liberals and former hippies, raising their three children: ambitious, would-be millionaire entrepreneur Alex; fashion-conscious, gossipy Mallory; and tomboy Jennifer.
Set in suburban Columbus, Ohio during the Reagan administration, Steven and Elyse Keaton are baby boomers, liberals and former hippies, raising their three children: ambitious, would-be millionaire entrepreneur Alex; fashion-conscious, gossipy Mallory; and tomboy Jennifer.