06x17 - Miracle in Columbus

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

(no voice)

♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪

♪ And I bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothing we
can't love each other through ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪



(timer bell dings)

First batch is done.

Oh, boy, these look great!

This is the best batch
of Christmas cookies

to come out
of the Keaton kitchen.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

What's this one?

Well, where did that come from?

Alex made me do it.

I think Alex gets
a little too caught up

in the Christmas spirit,
don't you?

Well, I don't know about him,
but I sure do.

Smell of cookies

and hot cider
and warm dollar signs.

- (Jennifer laughs)
- And Christmas carols!

♪ Jingle bells,
jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh ♪

Hey.

♪ Jingle bells,
jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh ♪

- Hey!
- ♪ Dashing through the snow ♪

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪

♪ O'er the fields we go ♪

- ♪ Laughing all the way... ♪
- STEVEN: Ha-ha-ha!

Uh... I like the ha-ha-ha part.

♪ Bells on bobtail ring ♪

♪ Making spirits bright ♪

♪ What fun it is
to ride and sing ♪

♪ A sleighing song tonight ♪

♪ Oh! Jingle bells,
jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh ♪

- NICK: Hey!
- ♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun... ♪

Hold it, hold it, hold it,
hold it, hold it.

The traditional
end of fun has arrived.

No, no, I mean, I love Christmas
as much as the next guy.

I just don't know how you can
celebrate joyously

when holiday retail sales
are down by four percent.

Alex, you got your annual card
from the Reagans.

"Dear Alex,
how are we doing?"

A card? That's it?

I sent them jams and jellies.

I got a Christmas card
the other day

from the Psychology Club
of America.

It said, "Have a well-adjusted
Christmas,

and a normal New Year."

Oh, listen, I'm gonna go over

to Mr. Krewson's and place
our order for a Christmas tree.

Anybody want to come?

Oh, Steven, I thought we agreed

to go somewhere else
for our tree this year.

- Why?
- Because, Dad, Mr. Krewson's

trees are terrible.

They look like hat racks.

Look, Mr. Krewson
is one of the last remaining

independent Christmas tree
distributors in Ohio.

It's our duty to keep
guys like him in business.

Yeah, I like Krewson's.

Is-Isn't he the guy
with the shack

and those scrawny
little dried-out dwarf trees?

Well... right, right.

I always wondered
who bought trees there.

Now you know.

Look, I talked to Krewson,
he said he'd get us

a great tree this year.

I want to give him
a chance to come through.

Now, who's coming with me?

I'll go, Dad.

I would like to see trees
that I'm taller than.

Yeah, I'll go with you too,
Mr. Keaton.

Well, that's very nice
of you, Nick.

Right in the tradition of
brotherhood

and good will towards men.

Well, you know, I figured it was
the least I could do,

I mean, since I'm spending
Christmas with you.

Yeah! What?

- Happy, happy, everybody!
- Hey, Skip.

Alex, I need a Christmas favor
from you.

You know how I usually play
Santa Claus down at the mall?

- Uh-huh.
- Well, I got to get out of it.

Why, you going
out of town this year?

No, I'm going to be
the Abominable Snowman

over at the Pearl Ridge
Shopping Center.

It pays less, but it's
a real career move for me.

It helps round out my resume,
and it gives me that in

for that big Easter Bunny job
I've been looking for.

You want Alex
to play Santa Claus?

He'll traumatize an entire
generation of young children.

Hey, don't worry about it.

I got better things to do
than say "Ho, ho, ho!"

To a bunch of spoiled,
greedy little kids.

Pays $ an hour.

Ho, ho, ho!
Ho, ho.

Okay, now, we're forgetting
about the finger paints.

We're forgetting
about the Lego set.

Instead...

Santa is gonna bring you
shares of Aramco Petroleum.

Now, Santa invests heavily in
this, and, uh... ho, ho, ho!

Santa has done very well.

Thank you, Santa.

Well, you're welcome, honey.

There you go. Merry Christmas.

Bush in ' .

Okay, who's next?
How are you this Christmas?

I'm not talking to any elf.

I want the big guy.

Now, Eddie... be nice.

I'm always nice!

Hey, Kringle, let's get
this show on the road.

Okay, Eddie.

Come here.
There you go.

Okay, just sit right here

and tell me what you want
for Christmas.

Okay, Santa, here we go.
I want...

Whoa, whoa, hold it, hold it,
hold it, hold it, hold it...

Uh...

Okay, sh**t.

Okay, Santa, I want
a fire truck, a baseball mitt,

a train set, a robot,
a bicycle, a record player...

no, make that a CD... a personal
computer, a basketball,

an apartment in Manhattan...

(timer dings)

Hey, wait a minute!
I'm not done yet!

Listen, kid,
you don't need a Santa Claus,

you need a business manager.

Okay, Merry Christmas and good
luck in the fiscal new year.

I found that entire
exchange heartwarming.

Excuse me, Santa,
are you still open?

Ho, ho, ho!

I hope your
daughter's interested

in the commodities market.

Come on, honey, Santa
wants to talk to you.

Hi, honey. What's your name?

Michelle Davies.

Okay, well, what do you want
for Christmas?

- Nothing.
- Oh, come on, honey.

You can tell Santa
what you want.

But, Mommy, I told you
I don't believe in Santa Claus.

(dramatic gasp)
What?!

What?! You don't
believe in Santa Claus?

Come here, come here.

Let me tell you something,
Michelle.

I am definitely Santa Claus.

If you're Santa Claus,

why are there so many Santa
Clauses at other malls?

(laughs)

Well, uh, that's...
that's because, uh...

well, you see...

Elves, help me out on this.

Well, you... well, you see,
Santa is very busy...

Yeah, exactly!
Exactly. Exactly.

So, uh, uh, uh, I have some of
my elves, uh, dress up like me

to, uh, pick up the slack.

It's-It's the same way
that President Reagan

can't be everywhere, so, uh,

so he sends his assistants
in his place.

I don't believe in him, either.

Come on, honey,
you can tell Santa.

- What do you want for Christmas?
- My daddy.

I want my daddy
home for Christmas.

Sweetheart, you know
daddy can't come home

this year for Christmas.

Can you get me my daddy
home for Christmas?

Um...

Uh, look, uh, Michelle...

I'm-I'm sorry,
but there are some things

that even Santa Claus can't do.

You're not Santa Claus.

Can we go now, Mommy?

Yeah. You want to take a look
at this pretty tree first, huh?

Look, look, I'm-I'm-I'm sorry.

I'm, uh... uh, usually
the kids love me.

No, that's okay,
it's not your fault.

You're not the first Santa
she's done this to.

Oh. Oh, what is it?
It's the beard, right?

The-the... the suit?

My "Ho, ho, ho's"
getting on her nerves?

I know they're getting on mine.

Um, no, you see, Michelle's dad
has to travel for business,

and, uh, this year
hasn't been so great.

So he's had to take
whatever he could get.

Unfortunately, that means
he has to be away

for Christmas this year.

That's too bad.

Well, um...
thanks, anyway, for trying.

Hey, hon, you ready?

I don't know.
That was heartbreaking.

The way she looked at me

and said, "You're not Santa."

Alex, you're not Santa.

You don't have
to rub my nose in it.

- Sorry.
- You're not an elf, either,

you know.

I know.

Look, the point is...
I mean, I got the suit,

I've got the beard, I mean,
I-I-I-I look like Santa.

I feel like it's my
responsibility to do something.

Well, why don't you get on a
sleigh and go to the North Pole?

Well, you know, Alex,
it's really great

that you have
such noble impulses.

It'd be nice to see it
more than once a year.

Please, Jennifer,
let's take all we can get.

I don't know what you're making

such a big deal about, Elyse!

A tree is a tree.

Steven, a tree that fits
in your pocket is not a tree.

I don't think it's so bad.

I can imagine
the cry of "Timber"

when that baby came down.

Look, I know it's not perfect.

Not perfect? Dad, this is
the first Christmas in history

where the tree can go
under the presents.

Dad, can't you go to

a regular Christmas tree lot
this year, just this once?

Oh, sure! Let's just patronize

one of those faceless,
impersonal, conformist lots.

- Yeah.
- Where all the trees

- are tall and healthy.
- Yeah.

I suppose you'd like one
green and leafy, too.

Oh, yes!

We're ready to hang
our stockings.

Oh, great! Let's go.

- Hey, buddy.
- Here's mine.

Hey, baby.

While you guys were out, we made
milk and cookies for Santa.

Terrific. Where are they?

In the stocking.

What about yours, Alex?

Oh, I don't know, Mom.

I, uh... I don't feel
much like it this year.

Come on, Alex, it wouldn't be
Christmas without your stocking.

All right. All right.

There we go.

How was your first day
at the mall?

Will Christmas still
be celebrated this year?

Yeah, it was fine.

It was... it was fine.

It was just... this, um,
this little girl.

Michelle.

Yeah. She's really cute,
but really sad.

Oh, what's the problem
with this little girl?

Well, her father works,
and can't be home for Christmas.

She's seven years old

and she doesn't even believe
in Santa Claus.

It just seemed so wrong

to see someone unhappy
at the mall.

I feel completely helpless...

...and I wish there was
something I could do.

Hiya.

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

Oh, great, a Method Santa.

How's Mrs. Claus?

Thank you for asking.

Ho, ho, ho!

Well, she has a few sniffles,

but then, she's at home

and the elves are taking good
care of her.

Let's try and keep our sled
in the real world here, pal,

all right?

Actually, I don't use a sled.

I use a sleigh.

And, uh, something else...
(chuckles)

I would never
use buttons like that.

And that belt...
completely wrong.

Where's your beard?

It's in my locker.

- Where'd you get yours,
a garage sale? - Ow!

- Ooh! - Whoa! Hey. How come
you got a good beard?

Where do you work,
lawn furniture?

(laughs)

No, I-I'm based
up at the North Pole.

I-I'm down here to do
a little survey

to see what the children
would like.

Beam me up, Scotty.

Well! That briefcase is holding
up rather well, isn't it?

- What?
- The briefcase.

Uh, that was the Christmas
of ' .

(chuckles)

Yeah, yeah, it's holding up f...

- H-How do you know that?
- I remember

that year quite well.

Let's see, you asked
for that briefcase,

a pocket calculator,

and a pardon for Richard Nixon.

You're good.

That is good!

Alex, uh, I know
that up to this point,

our relationship has been
mostly financial.

But this year you've changed.

Michelle has really touched you.

And that's why I'm here.

I'm on Candid Camera, right?

I am. I am. Come on,
where is he?

Where is he? Where is he?
Come on.

Come... Hey, Allen Funt!

I'm on to you! Come on, buddy!

- Wh-Where... It's in the pads,
right? - Oh, ho, ho!

Don't do that.
It tickles, Alex! Ho, ho!

And you know it's like
a bowl of jelly... ho, ho, ho!

Wait a minute. Okay.

Look, this has got to stop,
all right?

Uh, what are you...
what are you trying to tell me,

that you are Santa Claus?

I'm-I'm really very happy

that you decided
to play me this year.

I-I know that you're
a little depressed

because you haven't
been able to help Michelle.

But you're doing
the right thing.

Don't underestimate
the power of Christmas.

It can work miracles.

Look, I-I... I don't know
what to do.

I mean, I-I don't know
how to help Michelle.

Trust your heart, Alex.

My heart.

I haven't used it in so long.

(laughing):
I wouldn't say that.

You're using it right now.

Just keep at it.

And don't forget...

good thoughts and good deeds
don't go unrewarded.

Alex, uh...

I really would like to help.

But I don't see any chance

of bringing you
that Porsche this year.

(door shuts)

But I've been so good!

("Silent Night" plays)

Santa!

Santa, where you been?

All the kids are waiting.

I just met
the most incredible guy.

- What?
- I ju... I just...

I just met Santa Claus.

- (Mallory laughs weakly)
- Boy, Alex,

this-this trying to show
good will towards men

has put you under quite
a strain, hasn't it?

Maybe you want
to lie down, Alex.

- Jennifer and I can
take care of this. - No, no, no.

No, I can't lie down.
I can't lie down.

I'm too excited. Do you realize
that it is Christmas?

No, we're dressed like this
all the time.

Hey! Let's go, pal.

Let's get a move on.

Easter's almost here!

Come here, Eddie.

Don't lay a hand on me.

Jacoby & Meyers
is right across the mall.

Eddie, come here.

Sit down.

Eddie...

what does Christmas mean to you?

It means getting presents!

All right. Okay.

What if you had
all the presents in the world

and nobody to share them with?

That would be great!

I mean... I mean, if your mom...

wasn't there t-to watch you
open those presents

and you didn't have any friends
to show those presents to,

and people weren't
around caroling

and spreading good cheer,

would you really enjoy
those presents?

I guess I wouldn't be so happy
without all those people.

That's right. That's right.

'Cause the important thing
about Christmas

isn't the presents, Eddie.

It's being with the people
that you love.

Thanks, Santa.

Mom, let's find another Santa.

This guy's bringing me down.

- (Alex chuckles)
- Alex.

- (Alex gasps)
- Alex, that...

that was very sensitive, Alex.

Are you feeling feverish?

I... I don't know.

I don't know, I just...
I feel very Christmasy.

I j... I feel like...

♪ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa, la-la, la-la,
la-la, la, la... ♪

- Shh.
- I-I can't help it. I just...

♪ God rest ye merry gentlemen,
let nothing you dismay... ♪

I don't know what it is.
I can't stop singing!

♪ Hello, Dolly ♪

♪ Well, hello, Dolly ♪

♪ It's so nice to have you... ♪
(laughs)

(Alex sighs)

(sighs)
Michelle!

Michelle! Hi. Hi, remember me?

With that suit,
it's hard to forget.

Listen, Michelle,
I've got to own up.

I'm-I'm not Santa Claus.

I'm-I'm Alex Keaton.

But I want you to know
that there is a Santa Claus.

And-and he really cares
about you.

Um, Michelle, you didn't
get a candy cane

last time you were here.

Why don't you come over here
and pick one out? Come on.

- That's a good idea, huh?
- Listen, um, I, uh...

I hope I'm not out of line
here, but, um...

I've... I-I've been really
concerned about your daughter.

I don't... hey, I don't know,
it comes with the suit...

but, um, I was just wondering,

have you heard anything
from your husband?

Uh, yeah,
I talked to him yesterday,

and he's, uh, definitely not
gonna be able to make it home

for Christmas tomorrow.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
But, um...

if-if you and Michelle aren't
doing anything tonight,

I was wondering if you'd like
to come over to our house.

I mean, our family
usually has a...

a party every Christmas Eve,

and I know they'd love
to meet you.

And I... I have a feeling

that this is gonna be
a very special Christmas.

Hey...
(chuckles)

So!

Another carol, anyone?

Sure. We should sing a hymn

to this beautiful tree
Mr. Krewson brought us.

♪ O cactus tree, O cactus tree ♪

♪ Thou art so... ♪

♪ Fair and prickly. ♪

I can't believe it.

All right, come on,
let's look on the bright side.

Which is?

Nick?

Well, uh, it's Christmas with
kind of a Wild West theme, huh?

Yeah.

Well, I think it's appropriate.

I-I mean, you probably
don't get much rain in here.

(anxious laugh)

Look... I spoke to Mr. Krewson.

He promised we'd have
a great tree here by tonight.

I trust him.

You're right. Y...

It's-it's Christmas.

The tree isn't important, it...

What is, is that we're all
together for the holiday.

We can have a great Christmas

with the worst tree
in the world!

We've done it
for the last three years.

(knocking on door)

Excuse me.

- (roars)
- Oh, hi, Skippy.

(muffled):
How'd you know it was me?

Most Abominable Snowmen
wear contact lenses.

(door shuts)

SKIPPY (muffled):
Don't be scared, Andy.

It's just me, Skippy.

Thanks. I was terrified.

It's almost time for bed, honey.

I want to stay up
and wait for Santa Claus.

NICK:
Oh, hey, hey, hey.

I-I'll wait up with you, Andy.

You know, every year,
I try to wait up for him,

and, uh, every year
I fall asleep.

You know, I have
the same problem.

What do you say we put
on a pot of black coffee?

NICK:
All right.

There they go,

the three wise men.

Hey... folks?

Uh, I'd like you to meet
some friends of mine.

Um, this is Beth
and Michelle Davies.

- ELYSE: Hi. How are you?
- STEVEN: Nice to meet you.

What's with the cactus?

BETH:
Michelle,

that's not polite.

What is with the cactus?

- ANDREW: Hi.
- MICHELLE: Hi.

Want to hang your stocking up?

I don't have one.

You can use mine. It already
has milk and cookies in it.

Please, have a seat.

- (doorbell rings)
- STEVEN: Yes,

make yourself at home.

I'll just... Excuse me.

Hey, Mr. Krewson!

- Oh, Mr. Keaton!
- STEVEN: Hi.

- Merry Christ...
Merry Christmas! - ELYSE: Hi.

I've been thinking about your
little, uh, tree problem here,

and, uh, well...

I have
a surprise for you! Yeah!

- (Elyse shouts happily)
- STEVEN: Oh, Mr. Krewson!

STEVEN:
It's beautiful! Love this tree!

ELYSE:
Oh, it's beautiful!

Beautiful tree, Mister...

Oh, this is such
a beautiful tree.

Now it feels like Christmas now.

And to complete the mood...

(Jeff Meegan's "A Dash
of Christmas Eve" plays)

♪ My advice to add some spice ♪

♪ And live in harmony ♪

♪ Add a pinch of love ♪

♪ And a dash of Christmas Eve ♪

- Are you having a good time,
Michelle? - Uh-huh.

Andy and I are getting married.

(laughing)

Listen, Michelle,
thanks for coming to our party.

You helped make it
a great Christmas.

- Thanks, Alex.
- (doorbell rings)

ELYSE:
I'll get it.

Hello. May I help you?

Yes, I'm looking
for Alex P. Keaton.

ELYSE:
Alex, honey.

Yeah.

- Hi, I'm Alex.
- Hello.

My name is Ray Davies.

Daddy!

Michelle!

BETH:
Ray? Wha... (chuckles)

- Wha... (laughs)
- RAY: Honey!

BETH:
I don't believe this.

What are you doing here?

Uh, well, we met Alex, and...

Never mind that;
what are you doing here?

Well, I was in Fargo.

It was a horrible night.

I didn't make a single sale.

I was on my way back
to the motel

so I could give you guys a call.

When I got there,
standing at my door

was this great big barrel
of a man...

with a white beard.

And the most amazing thing
happened... he said

he wanted to buy absolutely
everything I had to sell.

That's incredible, honey!

I'm so proud of you!

He handed me the money,

and the only thing
he asked me to do

was deliver this package
to Alex P. Keaton.

Thanks.

This is the best Christmas
present in the world.

- What do you make of this?
- Oh, uh, uh, I don't know.

I'm still in shock
from having a decent tree.

Who's that from, Alex?

A... friend. A friend.

"Alex, if you're pure of heart,

this should be as good
as the real thing."

Hey, it's him!

- It's him!
- SKIPPY: It really is!

It's Santa Claus!

- (sleigh bells jingling)
- SANTA: Ho, ho, ho, ho!

Merry Christmas!
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

(all speaking excitedly)

♪ Add just a pinch of love ♪

♪ And a dash of Christmas Eve. ♪

MAN:
Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

(Ubu barks)