07x01 - A Haunting We Will Go

[bunniefuu]

♪ Now, the world don't move ♪

♪ To the b*at of just one drum ♪

♪ What might be right for you ♪

♪ May not be right for some ♪

♪ A man is born,
he's a man of means ♪

♪ Then along come two ♪

♪ They got nothing
but their jeans ♪

♪ But they got,
Diff'rent Strokes ♪

♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes ♪

♪ It takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world ♪

♪ Everybody's got a
special kind of story ♪

♪ Everybody finds
a way to shine ♪

♪ It don't matter that
you got not a lot ♪

♪ So what ♪

♪ They'll have theirs,
you'll have yours ♪

♪ And I'll have mine ♪

♪ And together we'll be fine ♪

♪ 'Cuz it takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world ♪

♪ Yes it does ♪

♪ It takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world ♪

- I'll ask one on geography.

What country's the largest
exported of frog legs?

- I know it...
- Japan.

(audience laughs)

- Pearl!

- I'll go clean the kitchen now.

(boys applauding)

- Now, Maggie, listen, this
time when we're running

if we see somebody we know,

can you slow down so I
can get up ahead of you?

- Philip!

- Well, at least
let me catch up.

- Deal. (audience laughs)

Bye, boys.

- Okay, guys,
we'll see you later.

- Hey, you guys gonna
try and outrun the mothers

in Central Park?

(audience laughs)

- We're just gonna run up

to the old Markwell
place and back.

From here to there
is exactly a mile.

- That Markwell place is spooky.

It's like Halloween
all year 'round.

(audience laughs)

- Come on, guys, let's play.

- Dad, Maggie!

Glad I caught you.

- Alright, Willis, how much?

(audience laughs)

- 20 bucks will be fine, dad.

- Here's a five.

- Five?

Dad, I'm going on a date and
this won't even cover the tip.

I can't be cool for five bucks.

I'll look like a wimp.

(audience laughs)

- Philip, advance him $10
for the sake of his posture.

(audience laughs)

- Hey, $10, now
we're in the ballpark.

Least I can get a
little bit of a strut going.

(audience laughs)

Dad, I'm having trouble
keeping my head up.

Now, for 20 bucks, I'm sailing.

I'm gliding.

- I'm leaving.

(audience laughs)

- How 'bout $12.50?

I'll pay you back when I
start my job next week.

- (laughs) Hello, boys.

- [Boys] Hi!

- [Dudley] How ya
doing, Mr. Owens?

- How're you doing?

I'm here to fix the lamp.

Where are your folks
off too in such a rush?

- They're going jogging
up to the old Markwell place.

- Clarence Markwell?

I was his assistant years ago.

Top notch inventor he was.

Taught me everything I know.

(sparks buzz) Whoa!

Shame he never filled
me in on the wiring.

(audience laughs)

Well, old man Markwell
d*ed about 30 years ago.

That's when people
first started seeing the...

You wouldn't be interested.

(kids excitedly chattering)

Well, rumor has it

that the old man's ghost
still walks the old house.

- Oh, come on, Mr. Owens,

there are no such
things as ghosts.

- Right, no ghosts.

That's what I thought

until that night,

when these eyes saw something

and they haven't
been the same since.

Well,

it was one stormy night.

- Oh boy!

(audience laughs)

- I was walking my dog,
Rotunda, by the old Markwell place,

he saw something,
down by the cellar,

and he chased it.

Well, we glanced in.

Worst thing I ever did.

I came face to face

with the ghost of
Clarence Markwell.

- I was afraid of that.
(audience laughs)

- It let out a scream!

I let out a scream.

Rotunda let out a
scream. (audience laughs)

It was awful.

You tell your folks

that I'll be back later

with a new socket.

So long, boys. (laughs)

(audience laughs)

- Goodbye, Mr. Owens.

- I always thought
that place had ghosts.

- Oh, Sam, that
is so ridiculous.

- No it's not.

- And he forgot to mention
that ghosts eat little boys.

(boys growling)

(Sam screams)

- Will you guys cut it out?

You're scaring him.

Sam, there are no
such things as ghosts.

- Oh yeah?

Try to tell that to Rotunda.

(audience laughs)

- Well, if there are
any ghosts, Arnold,

why don't you prove it to Sam

and take him to that old
Markwell place after it's dark?

Unless you're. (imitates
chicken clucking)

(audience laughs)

(spooky music)

(wood creaking)

- This place is creepy.

- There aren't any
ghosts, right Arnold?

- Right, Sam.

- This dust is really dusty.

(audience laughs)

(Arnold screams)
(audience laughs)

What's the matter, Arnold?

You're not scared, are you?

- Do I look scared?

- Yes. (audience laughs)

- Man.

Hey, Sam.

Look at this old furniture.

(audience laughs)

(Arnold screams)

(audience laughs)

- It's just me.

- I knew that. (audience laughs)

Boy, this place sure is spooky.

- You can say that again.

(audience groans)

- What?

- What, what?

(audience laughs)

- You tapped me.

What do you want?

- I didn't tap you.

- Somebody tapped me.

- It wasn't me, Arnold.

I'm really scared.

- Oh come on, Sam.

There's nothing to
be afraid of, okay?

(chair scraping)

Until now.

Let's get outta here!

(audience laughs)

(boys screaming)

(glass shatters)

- Please don't let
there be no ghosts.

Please don't let
there be no ghosts.

(glass shattering)

Boy, that ghost sure
doesn't like knick-knacks.

(audience laughs)

- [Ghostly Voice]
You are doomed.

- Arnold, are you
a ventriloquist?

- No.

- Then I hope he's
talking about you.

(audience laughs)

- [Ghostly Voice] I
am. (audience laughs)

- Wait a minute.

Look under that curtain.

That ghost is wearing
Dudley's sneakers.

I can smell 'em anywhere.

(audience laughs)

Come on.

(audience laughs)

(boys screaming)

(boys laughing)

We got you, we got you!

- Yeah!

- What about us?

We really had you
going, right Matt?

- See, Sam, no
ghosts, just two idiots.

- I feel a lot
better now, Arnold.

- Good.

(doors slamming)

What's going on?

(ghostly laughing)

- [Dudley] Oh no, it's got me!

(audience laughs)

- I've been slung.

(ghostly laughing)

- Did you hear that laugh?

It was scary.

- Yeah.

Where's Sam?

Where's my brother, Sam?

- [All] Sam!

Sam!

- Sam, where are you?

(ghost laughing)

We gotta get help.

- First we gotta
get out of here.

- How?

(doors rattling)

- Thanks, Mr. Ghost.

- Don't worry, Sam, I'll
come back and bring help.

(ghost laughing)
(spooky organ music)

- It was crazy, nuts.

And the lights went out and...

- Sam, honey, slow down.

Everything's okay.

- You and Arnold went to
the Markwell house and?

- Did it look like the
Munsters' house?

(audience laughs)

- Dad, Maggie, help!

Sam's missing!

- Hi, Arnold.
- Hi, Sam.

Dad, please, call the police.

(audience laughs)

Sam.

You're supposed to be missing.

(audience laughs)

- I was.

After the lights went
out, a ghost grabbed me,

and the next thing I knew
I was out on the sidewalk.

- This is worse
than Poltergeist.

Stay away from the
television, everybody.

(audience laughs)

Excuse me, everyone,
but I have to go lie down,

under my bed.

(audience laughs)

- Now then, you've
frightened Pearl.

And exactly what
were you kids doing

in the Markwell house anyway?

- Well, dad, it's like this,

I went down there to show Sam.

And then the doors
closed and then, boy,

we flew outta that building.

Matt and Dudley
are running so fast

they left their hair behind.

(audience laughs)

- Matt and Dudley, huh,
the gruesome twosome.

And where was
your infamous friend,

Robbie, through all this?

- Well, we didn't see Robbie.

Wait a minute.

Robbie!

He was probably
behind this whole thing.

I bet he was the one who
picked you up and carried you off.

- Now way.

That wasn't Robbie.

He always has Twinkie breath.

(audience laughs)

I'm telling you, this
thing had ghost breath.

(audience laughs)

- Arnold, you have
scared the britches

off your little brother.

Sam won't catch up with
his imagination 'til next week.

(audience laughs)

- Now listen, you're supposed
to be an example to Sam.

I am very disappointed
in you, Arnold.

And don't you go near
that Markwell place again,

do you hear me?

- Yeah, dad.

- Come on, hun,
let's go tuck Pearl in.

(audience laughs)

(keys jingling)

- It's the ghost!

(audience laughs)

- It's only five bucks, C.W.

(audience laughs)

I'll pay you back next Tuesday.

- Sorry, Willis, but I make it
a point never to lend money.

Especially to the
children of rich people.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Owens, you were right
about that Markwell place.

A million times right,
a trillion times right,

a trillion, billion times right.

(audience laughs)

- Sam,

will you calm down?

We went to the
old Markwell place

and Sam thinks a
ghost grabbed him.

- Sounds like the ghost
of old man Markwell.

(laughs)

- Mr. Owens, what does
(imitates C.W. laughing)

mean?

(audience laughs)

- Legend has it that
once you disturb a ghost

it gets very upset
and hangs around

and causes all kinds
of trouble unless...

You wouldn't be interested.

- I'm interested!

I'm interested!

(audience laughs)

- Unless you
make friends with it.

- Oh please.

How do you make
friends with a ghost?

Set him up a date with a sheet?

- Offerings.

You go back to where it lives

and bring 'em
something they like.

- You think he would
like a Papa Smurf doll?

(audience laughs)

- Not likely.

Legend says that
ghosts love to eat.

And when old man
Markwell was alive

he loved turkey,
especially drumsticks.

He'd suck the meat
right off the bone. (laughs)

(audience laughs)

(spooky organ music)

(audience laughs)

- Thanks for coming, Arnold.

(audience laughs)

It was sure nice of
Mr. Owens to help us make

these ghost fighter uniforms.

Do you really think that it'll
protect us from the ghost?

- Sure.

If it takes one look
at these uniforms

it'll die laughing.

(audience laughs)

- If that doesn't do it,

we'll blast him with
these garlic r*fles

like Mr. Owens said.

- Look, Sam,
there's nothing here.

- Let me have it, Arnold.

- Okay.

- Arnold! (audience laughs)

You chomped on it.

- I can't help it, ghost
fighting makes me hungry.

(audience laughs)

- Here, Mr. Ghost, a
nice big turkey leg for you.

(wood creaking)

- Don't worry, it's
just the house settling.

- I hope it'll settle for
turkey instead of a redhead.

(audience laughs)

(wood creaking)

- I had a feeling that
you'd come back here.

- Sam, Arnold, you boys
are in a lot of trouble.

Let's start with no
movies for a month.

- All of a sudden, I wish
it had of been a ghost.

(audience laughs)

- Okay, I showed you
two how to get in here,

remember our deal, dad.

- Okay, here you are, 20 bucks.

(audience laughs)

- Alright, it's time
to slide and glide

in colors with the green.

Willis Jackson is
on the prowl. (howls)

- Wait, Willis,
I'll go with you.

(Arnold howling)

- I'll go too. (howls)

(audience laughs)

- Hold it right there.

Look at you two.

You look like space
age Roto-Rooters.

(audience laughs)

You boys have a lot
of explaining to do.

- Mr. D, mama, we've
got to find the ghost

so we can make friends with him.

- Philip, I think
Sam's really scared.

- Sam, would you feel
better if Maggie and I

checked the house
out for ghosts?

- Lots better, Mr. D.

- Fine, let's do that.

- Okay.

You boys stay right here.

- Here, you can hit
the ghost with that.

(audience laughs)

- Arnold, look.

The turkey leg's gone!

- Don't panic!

(bone thuds) (audience laughs)

Dad, Maggie!

How come there's never a
parent around when you need 'em?

(audience laughs)

- This is a nice, old house.

- Yeah.

- They don't build
'em like they used to.

- Look at that
beautiful molding.

- Look at that inlaid
woodwork up there.

Fabulous, isn't it?

Isn't it, honey?

Maggie?

Maggie!

- [Maggie] Philip, I'm in here.

- Oh, what a relief.

(audience laughs)

Where?

(metal clanging)

- [Maggie] In here.

- How did you get in there?

(audience laughs)

Like that?

- Well, you're right, they don't
make 'em like they used to.

- Very funny.

Let's just make our way
along this passageway,

it must lead someplace.

You ever seen such a mess?

- Now, Philip,
come on, lighten up.

This is gonna be fun.

(dramatic music)

On the other hand.

- Look, let's go find
dad and Maggie.

- Yeah, they went
upstairs unarmed.

No garlic.

(audience laughs)

- [Philip] Boys,
here's your ghost.

(audience laughs)

- [Sam] Mr. Owens?

- He's been scaring us?

- Right, I captured
him single handedly.

- Philip.

- Okay, I didn't say
whose hand it was.

(audience laughs)

- Boys, it wasn't me.

You see I got to thinking,

it's an old building
and it's dangerous,

and I didn't want
you to get hurt.

- A likely story.

Shame on you, Mr. Owens.

You're a bad man, not to
mention a lousy electrician.

(audience laughs)

- Let's blast him, Arnold.

- Forget it, kids.

Let's all go home.

- Sam, say goodbye
to your ghost.

(suspenseful music)

Look, the candle!

- Come on, boys, let's
go. (spooky organ music)

- Dad! (door slams)

- [Philip] Boys!

(spooky organ music)

(lights clanging)

(knocking)

- Open this, hey,
who's in there?

Who's in there?

(spooky organ music)

- [C.W.] Must be some
way to open this thing.

(spooky organ
music) (adults yelling)

(fireplace bangs)

(fire crackles) (loud knocking)

(spooky organ music)

(ghost laughing)

- Let him have it!

(r*fles pop)

(dramatic music)

I've been slimed.

Ew!

(ghost laughing)

- [Sam] Make it stop,
Arnold, make it stop!

- [Ghost] Ouch!

- Ouch?

Wait a minute, mister,

ghosts don't go ouch.

- But people do.

(spooky organ music)

- Who are you, mister?

- I'm Clarence Markwell.

And you are trespassing.

(Clarence grunts)
(audience laughs)

- That's for scaring us.

- Where are our parents?

- They're alright.

I'll find them, just
please, no more kicking.

(audience laughs)

Well, it's good to
see you again, C.W.

- But you're dead.

I went to your
funeral 30 years ago.

(audience laughs)

- No, I locked myself up
in this house 30 years ago.

You just buried a
casket full of rocks.

But the service was nice.

I cried. (audience laughs)

- You know, you look very good

for a man that's been
dead for over 30 years.

- I just stay out of the sun.

(audience laughs)

(C.W. laughs)

- I've heard about your
wonderful inventions, Mr. Markwell.

It's really a pleasure
to meet you.

And all these years people
thought you were gone.

- Why did you pretend
that you were dead?

- I wanted to help people.

Instead it just seemed
that everything I made

ended up being used for w*r

and not helping mankind at all.

- I wish I could tell you
that things had changed.

- And I knew they never would.

That's why I stopped inventing.

Except for these little goodies

that I made up to scare
away people. (laughs)

Guy's gotta have a little fun.

(audience laughs)

- They're neat inventions,
sir, especially the ghost.

- Oh, they're real.

- Really?

- Gotcha. (laughs)

- You know, C.W., if I hadn't
d*ed I was going to fire you.

(audience laughs)

- You've really been
here all these years?

How did you eat?

- Well, I used to sneak
out at night and shop.

You know there are some
strange people out there?

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Markwell, you
are a man of great talent.

- That's right.

And why waste it?

You could still make
an important contribution.

- I don't think so.

I learned my lesson years ago.

- I wish you'd reconsider.

I know I could find a place
for you in one of my companies

and I promise you it would
have nothing to do with w*r.

- Could you find a
place for me too?

- No. (audience laughs)

- Well, going back
to work is tempting.

But I've been in
here over 30 years.

I don't know anyone,

I haven't got any friends.

- You've got us.

Right?

- Absolutely.

- That's right.
- That's right.

- And you can come over
for dinner any time you want.

- Really?

- You'll be very welcome.

- Oh, that sounds nice.

I really do have friends.

- Hey, let's celebrate.

I'd like to take everyone
for some ice cream.

- Ice cream?

Tutti frutti?

(audience laughs)
- You bet.

- Yay!

I'm free.

(audience laughs)

Come with me.

Tutti frutti.

(audience laughs)

(audience applauds)

(spooky organ
music) (door slams)

♪ Now, the world don't move ♪

♪ To the b*at of just one drum ♪

♪ What might be right for you ♪

♪ May not be right for some ♪

♪ A man is born,
he's a man of means ♪

♪ Then along come two ♪

♪ They got nothing
but their jeans ♪

♪ But they got,
Diff'rent Strokes ♪

♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes ♪

♪ It takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world ♪

♪ Yes it does ♪

♪ It takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world ♪