07x12 - Arnold's Songbird

[bunniefuu]

♪ Now, the world don't move
to the b*at of just one drum, ♪

♪ What might be right for you,
may not be right for some. ♪

♪ A man is born, he's
a man of means. ♪

♪ Then along come two, they
got nothing but their jeans. ♪

♪ But they got,
Diff'rent Strokes. ♪

♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes. ♪

♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes
to move the world. ♪

♪ Everybody's got a
special kind of story; ♪

♪ Everybody finds
a way to shine. ♪

♪ It don't matter that
you got not alot. ♪

♪ So what? ♪

♪ They'll have theirs,
you'll have yours, ♪

♪ and I'll have mine. ♪

♪ And together we'll be fine! ♪

♪ 'Cuz it takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world, ♪

♪ Yes it does. ♪

♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes
to move the world. ♪

- Stop fooling with that
police boat and eat your cereal.

- I will, mama.

(audience laughter)

Aw, it sunk.

- That's tough luck, Sam.

Your boat probably
got rammed by a raisin.

(audience laughter)

- Coffee, anyone?

- I'd live some,
Pearl, thank you.

- No thank you.

- Pearl, the coffee?

- (laughs) Sorry,
it's just that well,

after all this time, I
finally met Mr. Right.

- Pearl, that's wonderful,
what's his name?

- Ben Right.

The man of my dreams.

He hasn't got a
single hair on his body.

Here you go, Mr. Drummond.

(audience laughter)

- Excuse me, I'm gonna
go see if Pearl bought the

cereal with a helicopter in it.

- Hello Maggie, hello dad,

how's my favorite family doing?

- Just fine, thank you.

Well you certainly are
chipper this morning.

- You certainly are, Arnold.

You do know it's a
school day, don't you?

- Yes, Maggie.

See, this year our
class is in charge of the

charity fund raiser
and today I'm gonna be

elected Chairman of the
Entertainment Committee.

- Really, what makes you
so sure you'll be elected?

- Could you vote
against this face?

(audience laughter)

(doorbell rings)

I'll get it.

Man, today's a great today.

Absolutely nothing can
go wrong, I can feel it.

- Well are you taking me
to school or not, squid bate?

- Not! (door slams)

(audience laughter, applause)

- Arnold, that was very rude.

You don't slam the
door in a person's face.

- Carmella is not a person
and that's not a face.

(audience laughter)

And besides that dad,
she thinks just because

she grew up on an Army
base, she can push me around.

- Arnold, we want
you to be nice to her.

She's a visitor to our country.

- It's more like a
visitor to our planet.

(audience laughter)

- Come in, Carmella.

- Good morning, Carmella.

- Hello, Mrs. Drummond,
hello Mr. Drummond,

hello squid bate.

- Arnold, I probably should be
mentioned this to you before,

but since this is Carmella's
first day at school,

we thought it would be nice
if you'd take her along with

you and introduce her
to some of your friends.

- Why? They hate
practical jokes.

(audience laughter)

- You've been given a
direct order by your parents.

If you were in
my father's outfit,

you'd be double timing a

20 mile hike with
a full backpack...

Hi Willis.

- No, no, not the
magic time pincher.

- Who me?
- Yes, you.

Ever since you moved here,
you've pinched me so many times,

I've got polka dot buns.

(audience laughter)

- Carmella, listen, in America,
women don't pinch men.

Ow!

Unless they're married to them.

- Alright, it's time
to take me to school,

let's move them out, sweet pea.

- Dad, do I have to take her?

- That's right, sweet pea.

(audience laughter)

- Come on, Arnold.

She doesn't know
anybody, it's her first day.

- Oh alright.

- Attend, hut!

- Why do I always fall for that?

- Because you're a knuckle
head, now move it out.

Double time, come
on move it, move it!

(audience laughter)

- I like the Chairman seat.

I think I'll have it
reupholstered to match my eyes.

(audience laughter)

- Or you can have it
overstuffed to match your head.

- Well, well, well, if it isn't

Arnold Jackson and
his band of merry twits.

(audience laughter)

You know, nobody's
supposed to be sitting in that

seat until we elect a Chairman.

- Well if this chair's
for nobody, have a seat.

(audience laughter)

- Just wait, Arnold Jackson.

You're in for a big surprise.

- Hey, are we gonna
elect a Chairman,

or are we gonna sit here all
day and watch Lisa's lips flap?

(audience laughter)

- [All] Arnold, Arnold,
Arnold, Arnold, Arnold.

- Me? What a surprise.

- I guess Arnold's a
good choice if you don't

mind electing someone who's
IQ is less than his show size.

(audience laughter)

But before you make it official,

last night I spoke
to my uncle Charles,

a very important music agent.

He said if I was elected
Chairman of the committee,

he would get us Lionel
Richie for our fund raiser.

- [All] Lisa, Lisa, Lisa.
(audience laughter)

- Hold it!

You mean to tell me you'd
vote for Lisa just because

she can get Lionel Richie?

Come on, this vote should
be decided on ability,

intelligence, and integrity.

By the way, did I
mention I can get Mr. T?

(audience laughter)

- Hey yeah, they once
filmed an episode of

The A-Team in our old apartment.

- And they've been
pen pals ever since.

- That's right.

It's a well known fact that the

A in A-Team stands for Arnold.

(audience laughter)

- [All] Lisa, Lisa, Lisa, Lisa.

- Thank you, everybody.

I'll start to make the
arrangements immediately.

But first, buzz off and get
out of my seat, fungus brain.

- It's a good thing I'm
not bringing Mr. T here,

your breath would
melt his mohawk.

(audience laughter, applause)

Thanks a lot, you too.

You really want
Lionel Richie that bad?

- ♪ All night long ♪

♪ All night long. ♪

- ♪ All night, all night ♪

- Brother.

Man, losing to Lisa,

this has got to be one of
the lowest points in my life.

- Yeah, but you're young,
you'll have lower points.

Here comes one now.
(audience laughter)

- Arnold, you kept
me waiting by the

water fountain like an idiot.

- Sorry, next time, wait
by your locker like an idiot.

(audience laughter)

- Hey Arnold, maybe you can
get Mr. T for us another time.

- Yeah, if you ever have a
charity punch out. (laughs)

♪ All night long ♪

♪ Yeah, all night long ♪

- Wow, Mr. T's a
big star in Italy, too.

I love it when he goes,
"(speaks Italian), sucka!".

(audience laughter)

Can you really get him
to come to school, Arnold?

- Not in a million years.

I just said that to Lisa
to get even with her.

- Rats, I got my pinchers
all warmed up for nothing.

(audience laughter)

Maybe not, I've
gotta find Willis.

- I can't believe it, Lionel
Richie right in the school.

- Yeah, everyone's excited.

My mom, my dad, my
sister, even my dog.

(audience laughter)

Last night, he spelled
out Lionel in his kibble.

- Yep, it's too bad.

I can just see Mr. T laying
around his swimming pool in

Hollywood rubbing
suntan lotion on his chains.

(audience laughter)

Talking to our good
friend Tina Turner.

I can just hear her
now, "But T baby,

"I'd love to appear at
Arnold Jackson's benefit.".

(audience laughter)

- Hey here's Lisa.

- Lisa, Lisa.
- What's happening?

- What did he say?

- He took one look
at her face and said,

"Forget it, I don't
sing at dog shows.".

(audience laughter, applause)

- What's wrong, Lisa?

- There is no Lionel Richie.

- Oh no, first Santa
Claus and now this.

(audience laughter)

- No, stupid.

My uncle talked to Lionel
last night, but he can't make it.

- Well if you can't
get Lionel Richie,

you can't be Chairman.

- Yeah I guess we should've
voted for you after all, Arnold.

- Well it's not too late
to change your minds.

- [All] Arnold, Arnold, Arnold.

- Yeah, then I say
let's vote for Arnold,

because he's gonna
get us Mr. T, right Arnold?

(audience laughter)

- Yeah, right.

Yeah, you want
Mr. T, you got Mr. T.

- [All] Arnold, Arnold,
Arnold, Arnold, Arnold, Arnold,

Arnold, Arnold, Arnold.

(audience laughter, applause)

- I know it's the
fourth time I've called,

but are you sure Mr. T
won't be back for two weeks?

Well if he comes back early,

please have him
call Arnold Jackson.

Thanks.

- Was that Mr. T's agent?

- No, his jeweler.
(audience laughter)

- Listen Arnold,
you gotta help me.

Carmella is driving me crazy.

For you that's
just a short drive.

- Arnold, listen man,
if you see Carmella,

tell her I got a
steady girlfriend,

I have moved to Detroit,
I've become a priest,

and I have a disease they
haven't even named yet.

(audience laughter)

- Better yet, I'll give her your
private phone number and

you can tell her yourself.

- You do that and I'll reach
out and choke someone.

(audience laughter)

- What kind of behavior
is that for a priest?

- Well Arnold, how's the
big talent search going?

- I'd even settle for
a gong show reject.

(audience laughter)

- I've got an idea.

You might consider my boyfriend.

- The one with no hair?

(audience laughter)

- Right.

He can slap his head
and play Swanee River.

- No thanks, Pearl.

- Come to think of it, he
can slap anywhere and

play Swanee River.

(audience laughter)

- ♪ And we'll go
honkytonking, honkeytonking ♪

♪ We'll go honktonking,
we'll go honytonking ♪

♪ Through this town. ♪

(audience laughter)

- Sam, what are you doing?

- I'm auditioning for you.

- Thanks, but I'm
not that desperate.

- You will be in
a couple of days.

(audience laughter)

Come on, Arnold,
I'll be terrific, super,

the best, you'll see.

- Look Sam, if that
crowd does not get a star,

they may want blood.

- I'm really not
that good, Arnold.

- Listen Sam, just
don't tell Maggie or

dad about this, okay?

- Tell dad what?
(audience laughter)

- Hi dad.
- What's going on, boys?

- Nothing, right, Sam?
- Right.

Mr. D, you could pull
my toe nails out and

I still wouldn't tell you
about the mess Arnold's in.

(audience laughter)

- Sam, why don't I talk to
Arnold alone about this, okay?

- Yes sir.

Bye Arnold, I'm sure
glad I'm not in your shoes.

- Well young man,
what's the story?

Sam.

- Sorry, Mr. D.
(audience laughter)

- Whenever I hear, "Don't
tell dad.", I get very interested.

What's the problem?

- See dad, when Lisa
definitely had Linoel Richie,

I mentioned that maybe,
possibly, I could get Mr. T.

(audience laughter)

- And now the whole school
is expecting yu to deliver Mr. T.

- You catch on fast, dad.

- Thanks, Arnold.

Why do you think that you
said what you did about Mr. T?

- Well, I've got to keep up my
image of big man on campus.

(audience laughter)

- That's pretty
important to you, huh?

- Yeah, hey dad, it's
every man for himself.

It's a jungle out
here in junior high.

(audience laughter)

- You know, Arnold,
very often people,

nice people, attractive people,

don't really believe
that others will

like them for themselves.

- Okay, dad.

I know I act like
that sometimes.

- Well it's important
for you to realize that

that kind of behavior
is really unnecessary.

You don't need that, you
are a terrific young man.

Right, Sam?

- [Sam] Right, Mr. D!
(audience laughter)

- Wish you had told
me this last week, dad.

I'm in a real jam.

Hey, do you think you
could pull some strings and

call some of your
important friends and

get me a star for the show?

- No, son, I think this
will be a better lesson to

you if you have to
work it out yourself.

- What, dad, how?

If I can't get a star
for charity night,

I may have to go on
stage and tell the truth.

- That's right, son.

- Well I guess I
could tell the truth.

- That sonds like
a good idea to me.

You can't b*at the truth.

- Kids would all understand.

I could tell the truth.

Yeah, why not? Sure.

On second thought,
I could still get a star.

(audience laughter)

Hello, Ackman Talent Agency?

Yeah, my school's
putting on a charity show,

and I would like to
know what kind of

stars you may have available.

Why would a lady wanna
tie herself into a knot?

(audience laughter)

- So Arnold, who have
you got for the show?

- Well I've got a
dancer and a musician,

and I'm thinking about
hiring an escape artist to

get me out of this mess.

(audience laughter)

- Boy Arnold, if you
don't get a big star,

I'm not coming to charity night.

I don't wanna see
you get b*at up.

(audience laughter)

- Here we are.

- Hey boys.
- Hi guys.

- Excuse me, I've got to go.

Mrs. Turner's taking
us to soccer practice.

- Have a good practice, Sam.

- I will.

- And don't try to stop
anymore goals with your face.

(audience laughter)
- I won't, mama.

Hey, you wanna see
some fancy footwork?

- Sure.

(audience laughter, applause)

He's getting better.

- Arnold, I think
we may have the

answer to your
star serach dilemma.

- Really?

I mean, if you do,
I'd be etrnally grateful.

- Eternally grateful?

That should be good
for a couple weeks.

(audience laughter)

- Come on dad, no jokes.

Don't keep me in suspense.

Who've you got?

- Carmella.

- Keep me in suspense.

(audience laughter)

- Now Arnold, we
just had a talk with her.

Did you know her father
is with the USO in Europe?

- That's right, and he
knows a lot of big stars.

You might just want to
ask her if she can help you.

- Ask Carmella for help?

Dad, I can't do that, I'd
never hear the end of it.

I'd rather be boiled in oil,

I'd rather be pulled
apart by wild horses,

I'd rather be dunked in
honey and tied to an ant hill.

Please, you've gotta let me
speak to Bruce Springsteen.

(audience laughter)

We're close personal buddies.

I'm the one who put
the 'spring' in his 'steen'.

(audience laughter)

Hello, hello?

(doorbell rings)

Who is it?

- [Carmella] Carmella!

- Nobody's home.

- [Carmella] Open up.

- Not by the hair on
my chinny, chin, chin.

(audience laughter)

- [Carmella] Then I'll
huff and I'll puff and

I'll blow the door down.

- You could do it, too.

(audience laughter)

- Your parents tell me
you might need some help.

- Not me, I haven't
got any problems.

- Really?

I heard you still don't
have a star for charity night.

- Well, nothing definite.

But I've still got a
lot of irons in the fire.

I'm expecting a call
from Mr. T anytime now.

- I thought you
couldn't get him.

- Well Mr. T's thinking about
sending one of his friends.

I'm leaning towards
Stevie Wonder.

(audience laughter)

But another way to
go is Willie Nelson.

- I can think of
another way to go.

- Okay dad.

Carmella, I think I'm
gonna need your help.

(audience laughter)

- What's that?

- I said I may need your help.

- (laughs) It sounded like
you said, "I need your help.".

- I did.

- So what can I do
for you, squid bate?

- Nothing special.

Do you think your dad
could get me Bob Hope?

- Well, Bob Hope or
even someone bigger if-

- I knew it, name
your blackmail.

- For starters, you can't slam
the door in my face anymore.

- Okay.

And secondly, you gotta stop
doing those jokes about me.

(audience laughter)

- Oh alright.

- And thirdly, I want Willis'
private phone number.

- No, no way, no.

That's completely
out of the question.

- ♪ Thanks for the memory
♪ (audience laughter)

- 555-9470. (audience laughter)

(upbeat piano music)

(applause)

Hey what are you doing?

- I'm stuck.

- You gotta get off stage.

- Alright.

(audience laughter)

(applause)

- Let's hear it for
Suzanne, the human knot.

(applause)

There will now be
a brief intermission.

- Excuse me, Mr. Drummond,
are these seats taken?

- No, Pearl, we've been
saving them for you.

- Mr. and Mrs. Drummond,
I'd like you meet Mr. Right.

(audience laughter)

- How do you do?

- Isn't he just wonderful?

Not a hair.

- Phillip, that man's head
looks like a pantyhose container.

(audience laughter)

- Dad, Maggie, have
you seen Carmella?

I can't find her anywhere.

- No Arnold, we
haven't seen her.

- Man, I knew it, she's
not getting me a star.

She told me not to worry,

but she was just setting
me up to get k*lled.

- [All] We want the
star, we want the star,

we want the star.

- Nobody ever got
k*lled for telling the truth.

- [All] We want the star.

- I hope this isn't a first.

(audience laughter) Here goes.

- [All] We want the
star, we want the star.

- Poor baby.
- He'll be fine.

- [All] We want the
star, we want the star.

- Ladies and gentlemen,
ladies and gentlemen,

please, please,
ladies and gentlemen.

I guess I must
apologize to everyone.

I wasn't able to get Mr. T.

(booing)

I was even trying to
get Bob Hope, but...

Excuse me, everyone,
I'll be right back.

Carmella, please tell
me you got someone.

- Well...
- I knew it.

- Look Arnold, my father didn't
have time to get Bob Hope,

but I wouldn't let you
down, I've got someone.

- Who?

- Well they want it
to be a big surprise.

Just get out there and
give them a big introduction.

- But who do I introduce?

- Wing it, you'll
think of something.

Go ahead, come on.

- Thanks a lot.

Ladies and gentlemen,
ladies and gentlemen,

I think we have a star.

(applause)

Now, this is someone
who's known to us all, I think.

This is someone who's possibly
made us laugh many times or

danced for us many times or
maybe sung to us many times.

Let's hear it for that person.

(applause)

It's all over.
(audience laughter)

- Well it was nice having
Arnold as a brother.

- Arnold's trying
to pull a fast one.

- I love it, this is
my kinda show.

Arnold Jackson's a dead man.

(audience laughter)

(upbeat piano music)

- ♪ Come on and ease on
down, ease on down the road. ♪

♪ Come on and ease on
down, ease on down the road ♪

♪ Don't you carry nothing
that might be a load ♪

♪ Come on ease on
down, down the road ♪

♪ Come on and ease on
down, ease on down the road ♪

♪ Come on and ease on
down, ease on down the road ♪

♪ Don't you carry nothing
that might be a load ♪

♪ Come on ease on down,
ease on down the road ♪

♪ Cause there may be times
when you think you've lost your ♪

♪ mind and the steps you've
taken leaves you three, ♪

♪ four steps behind ♪

♪ Just you keep on keeping
on the road that you chose ♪

♪ And don't keep on walking,
cause you know you love to show ♪

♪ Ease on down, ease
on down the road ♪

♪ Come on and ease on
down, ease on down the road ♪

♪ Don't you carry nothing
that might be a load ♪

♪ Come on ease on
down, ease on down, ♪

♪ Come on ease on
down, ease on down ♪

♪ Come on ease on down,
ease on down the road ♪

(applause, cheering)

♪ Come on and ease on
down, ease on down the road ♪

♪ Come on and ease on
down, ease on down the road ♪

♪ Don't you carry nothing
that might be a load ♪

♪ Come on ease on
down, ease on down... ♪

- ♪Now, the world don't move
to the b*at of just one drum, ♪

♪ What might be right for you,
may not be right for some. ♪

♪ A man is born, he's
a man of means. ♪

♪ Then along come two, they
got nothing but their jeans. ♪

♪ But they got,
Diff'rent Strokes. ♪

♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes. ♪

♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes to
move the world, yes it does ♪

♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes
to move the world. ♪

(dramatic music)