07x19 - Cheers to Arnold

[bunniefuu]

♪ Now the world don't move
to the b*at of just one drum ♪

♪ What might be right for
you may not be right for some ♪

♪ A man is born,
he's a man of means ♪

♪ Then along come two, they
got nothing but their jeans ♪

♪ But they got
different strokes ♪

♪ It takes different strokes ♪

♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world ♪

♪ Everybody's got a
special kind of story ♪

♪ Everybody finds
a way to shine ♪

♪ It don't matter that you
got not a lot, so what ♪

♪ They'll have theirs
and you'll have yours ♪

♪ And I'll have mine ♪

♪ And together we'll be fine ♪

♪ 'cause it takes different
strokes to move the world ♪

♪ Yes it does ♪

♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world ♪

- Thank you.

All right, class.

Here are your test papers.

Read 'em and weep.

(muttering and groaning)

- I hope I did good.

- I bet I did better
than you, Arnold.

- In what, English or
the vulture face contest?

(laughing)

- It's not that funny, Ricky.

- Hey, thanks, Ricky.

I love a guy who appreciates
the fine art of humor.

- Arnold got his
fine arts degree

from the Three
Stooges University.

(laughing)

- It's not that funny, Ricky.

- What's with Ricky?

He's laughing at
everything lately.

- Yeah, even Arnold's jokes.

- Ah, Lisa, here you are.

You did very nicely.

- I'm not surprised.

Only a B?

- Surprise.

(laughing)

All right, let's hold it down.

Let's see, Ricky, ah, Ricky.

Ricky, I don't know what's
going on with you lately,

but you failed another test.

Now, you have
got to buckle down,

or you can forget
your B average.

- I guess I'll have to
try a little harder, sir.

- How about a lot harder?

- Right, sir.

(bell ringing)

- Lunch, my favorite class!

- Now, walk, don't run.

Hey, Ricky, you coming with us?

- Uh, no, I got
something else to do.

- Does that mean we
have to laugh at your jokes?

- Thanks, guys.

With friends like you,
who needs nerds?

- Cheers.

- So this guy drags his
alligator on this bus, right.

Hey, Ricky, I've got
a great joke for you.

(laughing)

Thanks, Ricky, but the laugh
usually comes after the joke.

What do you got in
that Thermos, Ricky?

- Man, that smells
worse than Coach Vicaro.

- This smells like booze.

Have you been drinking?

- Very good, Jackson.

You get to go to
the head of the class.

- Uh-oh, this is bad, Arnold.

- Tell me about it.

Now I know why he's been
laughing at all my jokes.

- Come on, what's with you guys?

Don't tell me you
never had a drink before.

- Sure.
- Yeah, all the time.

- Yeah, they drink.

Draft root beer.

- So when did you
start drinking, Ricky?

- Oh, it's been a while,
give or take a pint.

I have a couple of sh*ts every
morning in my orange juice.

Gotta have my Vitamin C.

How about a drink for
you, Robbie, old buddy?

Looks like you're
about a quart low.

(laughing)

Come on, Arnold, stop
being such a spoilsport.

Here, guys.

- Wait, I dunno.

- I thought you said you drink.

- Right.

- Sure.

- Then let's see.

(gagging)

- Now I know why
they call it hard stuff.

- Come on, Jackson, chug-a-lug.

- No way, drinking's stupid.

- It can't be too stupid.

A lot of the kids
at school drink,

and the rest of them want
to, but they're chicken.

- You're nuts, Ricky.

- Yeah, Ricky, you're nuts.

- Hi, Doug.

- Relax, guys, Doug's cool.

- Hey, Ricky, can
you get me a bottle

for my party this weekend?

- Got it, Doug.

See, Arnold?

Even the student
body president drinks.

He's a Scotch man.

- I never noticed
he had an accent.

- Come on, Arnold,
what's the big deal?

Have a drink.

- Don't be such a chicken.

Come on, Arnold, it's
no big thing, just drink it.

- Just a little, come on.

- Well...

(making chicken noises)

(coughing)

- Good stuff, huh?

- Yeah.

Smooth.

(giggling)

- All right, all right,
that's enough.

- Oh.

- Keep working on your
assignment, I'll be right back.

- Boy, I don't know
about this drinking.

I don't feel so good.

- Yeah, it makes me more
dizzier than math class.

- I don't know, it doesn't
make me feel any different.

Ever notice what
beautiful eyes Lisa has?

- That must be what
they call blind drunk.

(laughing)

- If you boys
don't stop giggling,

I'm gonna get Mr. Hawkins.

- Lisa?

What's going on over here?

- It's Arnold, Mr. Hawkins.

As usual, he's a
disturbing influence

on the rest of the class.

- Come on, Arnold, pipe down.

Why can't you act a
little more like Ricky here?

- You mean dead?

(laughing)

- Come on, come on, get back
to your reading assignment.

- Yes sir.

Okay, the coast is clear.

- Booze, let's party!

- Quick, let's get
some coffee into him.

- Good idea.

- Oh, man, have
I got a headache.

- Me too.

My tongue tastes like
one of your sweat socks.

- You're lucky.

My tongue feels
like it needs a shave.

- Oh, hi, boys.

- Hi, Pearl.
- Hi.

- Well, someone new.

Hello.

- Hi.

- Uh, that's Ricky.

- Hi, Ricky.

Guess what?

You're just in time.

I made my special banana
marshmallow coconut

strawberry fudge cake.

Oh, I think I'll go fix
four heaping bowls of it.

- Thanks, Pearl.

(groaning)

Phew, that was close.

- Hey, why don't you
ask Pearl to make

some black coffee for Ricky?

- That's a bad idea,
she might get wise

and figure out what's going on.

Hey, maybe I can make
some of that instant coffee

while you guys keep
her busy with that, uh,

special banana marshmallow...

- Don't say it, Arnold.

- Hi!

- Hi.

- Who are you?

- My name's Ricky.

But you can call me Ricky.

(laughing)

- Huh?

- Oh, no, if Sam catches on...

Come on.

Get over here, Ricky.

- Hi, guys, who's
your weird friend?

- Uh, this is Ricky.

Ricky, shake hands with...

Here.

He's a little shy.

- I'll say.

Looks like he's a
little sleepy, too.

- Oh, hi, guys.

- Hi, Dad, bye, Dad.

- Hi, Mr. Drummond.

- Bye, Mrs. Drummond.

- Hi, boys.

Bye, boys.

- That's Arnold's friend Ricky.

Looks like his feet
need training wheels.

- Hi, Dad, how's it going?

- Arnold, what has
been going on here?

- Nothing, Dad, honest.

- Then why do I smell liquor?

- Liquor?

- That's right, as in alcohol.

- Oh.

That kind of liquor.

Gee, Dad, I don't know.

Sam, have you been
hitting that aftershave again?

- Me?

Come on, Arnold, you
know I don't care how I smell.

(laughing)

- That's funny, Sam,
that's really funny!

Hey, come on, let's go upstairs

so we don't disturb Dad and
Maggie with all this laughing.

(laughing)

- Hold it right there, Arnold.

- Uh-oh.

- Sam, let's go upstairs.

Arnold and Mr. D need to talk.

- Arnold doesn't.

- Okay, Mama.

I don't know exactly
what's going on,

but if you don't get dinner,
can I have your dessert?

- Sam.

- Arnold, come over here.

- Okay, Dad.

- Sit down.

Now I want to know who
was drinking and why.

- Uh, well, uh.

You see, Dad, Ricky
came to school with

a Thermos full of liquor,
and he was in the bathroom

drinking it when me and
Robbie and Dudley came in.

- Yes, and then what happened?

- Dudley and
Robbie took a drink.

- And then you thought
it'd be a really smart idea

if you joined them
for a drink too, right?

(laughing)

- You know, Dad,
it just amazes me

how you figure out
the teenage mind.

- Flattery's not gonna
work this time, Arnold.

- I was afraid of that.

Uh, Dad, if it means anything,

I didn't wanna take
the drink at first.

- Then you shouldn't have.

I just can't believe this.

13-year-olds drinking.

You know it's wrong, and
it can also ruin your health.

- But I only took
a few sips, Dad.

I mean, what's the big deal?

I see you and Maggie
have an occasional drink

around the house.

- Oh, yes, but we're adults.

- You mean I have
to wait till I'm an adult

to ruin my health?

- No, Arnold.

By the time you
get to be an adult,

you're supposed to be
wise enough to know how

to take an occasional
drink without abusing it.

- But Dad, I see adults
abusing it all the time.

I mean, at restaurants,
ball parks, everywhere.

- That's right, Arnold.

It's unfortunate.

But Maggie and I don't abuse it,

and we're not gonna stand
by and watch you do it.

- But Dad, I'd never abuse it.

- Well, I'm glad to know that.

Tell me something,
what did you learn

in class this afternoon?

- Oh, Dad, what we
learned in class, we, uh.

Oh, dad, we, uh.

Ah, I don't remember, I
guess it wasn't important.

- Right.

Tell me, how did you boys
get home from school today?

- Oh, Dad, we got home, we rode.

Uh, from school, right?

Yeah, uh.

- Sure, Arnold, you
can handle your liquor.

- I guess not, huh?

- I guess not.

Now think of it, Arnold.

You lost a whole
day of your life.

Now, you already know
how wrong you were today,

so I'm not gonna
belabor that point.

But if I ever hear of you and
your friends drinking again,

don't expect a toast
when I say bottoms up.

- Right, Dad.

I know it was wrong,
and I'll never do it again.

- Good, I'll take your
word for that, Arnold.

- You won't be sorry, Dad.

Arnold Jackson and
drinking are history.

If you'll excuse me
now, I'd like to go upstairs

and puke my brains out.

Are you at it again, Ricky?

- No, but I will be soon.

I need to get over this
hangover I picked up yesterday.

- Gimme this.

Don't you know how bad
this garbage is for you?

- It ain't garbage.

Your dad's got great stuff.

- You stole this from my dad?

That's really crummy.

- Don't worry, he won't miss it.

My parents never do.

- Oh, great, just great.

Terrific.

If a good time to you means
headaches and throwing up,

then why don't I just
show you a real thrill

and break this bottle
over your head?

- Arnold, you don't understand.

It helps me get through the day.

- How come I don't need
it to get through the day?

- Because you're not me.

Everybody likes you.

Besides, I hate this school.

I hate the teachers,
everything about it.

- What about Mr. Hawkins?

He likes you.

- You're crazy.

You heard him yesterday.

He's always on my case.

- That's only because you
used to be a better student.

He's just worried
about you, Ricky.

All this drinking is
really screwing you up.

- If you're through with
the sermon, Reverend,

just give me the bottle.

- You want this bottle,
you're gonna have to

flatten me to get it.

- Okay.

Aw, there's plenty more
where that came from.

- My dad's gonna flip
if he finds this missing.

Oh, maybe we can do this.

How about this?

I could try putting it there.

Uh-oh.

- Maggie?

Maggie?

Maggie, where are you?

- What is it, Philip,
what's wrong?

- Arnold's principal
called me at the office.

One of his teachers caught
Arnold in the bathroom

with a bottle of vodka.

- Oh no.

After he promised.

- I know, I can't
believe he'd do that.

- Me either, a bottle of vodka?

- Mr. Drummond, Maggie.

- What is it, Pearl?

- When I was dusting
down here this morning,

I noticed a bottle missing
from the liquor tray.

I didn't think much
of it at the time,

but it was a bottle of vodka.

- Incredible.

First he came home
drunk, then he lied to us,

and now he's a thief.

- He sounds just like
a sailor I used to date.

Right.

- Just wait until he gets home.

- Now, calm down, Philip.

At least it wasn't dr*gs.

- Alcohol is a drug.

The principal told me that
it's rampant in the schools.

Not just in New
York, everywhere.

Can you imagine, 10,
12-year-old kids, boozing it up?

- It's terrifying.

They can't all be stealing
it from their parents.

- No, they get it from an
older kid down the block,

from, you name it,
anywhere they can.

They want us to bring
Arnold down there tomorrow

and enroll him in the school's
alcohol prevention program.

I mean, just imagine even
having such a program for kids.

- Philip, I can't believe
Arnold would need

anything like that.

- Arnold has
been a terrific son.

I thought I was a good parent.

Arnold, how could you,
after you promised me!

- Dad!

- This is the last time I
will ever put my trust in you

for anything.

- Dad!

- As far as I'm concerned,
you are permanently grounded.

- Dad!

It wasn't me, it was Ricky.

- Ricky?

Oh, and I suppose he's the
one that stole my vodka, too.

- He did, Dad!

- Now, Arnold, that's enough.

- Dad, wait, listen.

I know I've done
some crazy things

in the last couple of days,

and I know I took
a drink yesterday.

But I've never lied to you.

I didn't take your vodka.

- I'm sorry, Arnold,
I believe you.

Well then, why didn't
you tell that to the teacher?

- Well, uh, I, well, you see...

- Oh, I get it.

A guy doesn't squeal on
the other guys at school.

- It's sort of an unwritten
law the kids have figured out.

- But it's okay for
you to take the rap,

even though you didn't do it?

- That's the only part
we haven't figured out yet.

- Kids drinking.

Thank God it's not you.

- 'course it isn't me, Dad.

I'm so straight I make Donny
Osmond look like a sleazebag.

- You know, Arnold, your
friend Ricky has a problem,

and he needs help.

Now, if you're his friend,
you'll go to the principal

and tell him what
really happened,

and then stick by Ricky.

He needs you.

And if I can help
in any way, I will.

- But, but Dad!

I can't squeal.

I mean, all the kids
at school would k*ll me.

Especially Ricky.

- Arnold, listen.

If you don't, Ricky
may k*ll himself.

(bell ringing)

- Okay, everybody,
see you tomorrow.

Arnold?

I'll see you and your
parents at alcohol prevention

in five minutes?

- Right, Mr. Hawkins.

- Boy, Arnold, I guess you
can really hold your booze.

The other day I got home
and I was sick as a dog.

I'm done with booze.

- Me too.

I didn't even make it
home before I got sick.

Boy, did that bus
empty out fast.

Anyway, Arnold,
you're really something.

You didn't get sick and you
even brought a bottle to school.

- Yeah, I'm quite a guy.

- What's with him?

- Maybe he's saving
his jokes for happy hour.

- You know, I don't know
why they're even bothering

to try to rehabilitate
you, Arnold.

The school already voted
you Most Likely To End Up

In Rags, Sleeping
Under A Railroad Trestle,

And Eating A Can Of
Beans By An Open Fire.

- Does the whole school know?

- Not yet, wino.

- Oh, hey, Arnold.

Sorry about the way
things turned out.

- Look, Ricky, you
and I've gotta talk.

- Not now, I've gotta get home.

Oh, hi, Arnold.

- What were you doing in there?

- Nothing.

- Then why do I smell booze?

- See ya.

- Hand it over.

- Hand what over?

- The booze.

- I don't know what
you're talking about.

If you wanted a drink,
all you had to do was ask.

Hey, what are you, nuts?

- You're going on
the wagon, Ricky.

And not only are you gonna
stop drinking right this minute,

you're also gonna
go on the school's

alcohol prevention
program, not me.

- Forget it, Arnold.

- Look, I don't know
what your problem is,

but I know you need help.

- You're crazy, I'm fine.

- No you're not, look at you!

You're holding
onto that, that booze,

like it was your best friend.

- So what?

- Ricky, that's
not a friend, I am.

And I know that you can lick
this dumb drinking problem.

(crying)

I'll go to Mr. Stone's
office with you.

- Aw, man.

- That's what I said
when I graded it.

Oh, here you are, Lisa.

- I can't bear
to look if it's a B.

- Well, it's an A.

- Only an A?

- Hang in there, Lisa.

Ricky, wow.

Nice going.

You're doing much better
these last few weeks.

- Thanks, Mr. Hawkins.

- [Mr. Hawkins] Okay.

- Hey, a B!

(bell ringing)

- Hey, Ricky, come here.

Now remember, the first
meeting of the yearbook committee

is at my house this afternoon.

You're coming, aren't you?

- I don't know, Arnold.

I've never been
much for joining clubs.

- Hey, that was the old Ricky.

This is the new, improved Ricky.

This is the one
who's gonna get out

and have a good time and
make some new friends, right?

- Right.

Oh, but I really can't.

My parents and I are going to

my alcohol prevention
meeting today.

- Well, I could always change
the meeting till tomorrow.

- Guess I could make it then.

- I guess I'll change it then.

- Thanks, Arnold,
for everything.

- Hey, Ricky, you're having
lunch with us, aren't you?

- You got it.

- Hey, come on.

(applause)

♪ Now the world don't move
to the b*at of just one drum ♪

♪ What might be right for
you may not be right for some ♪

♪ A man is born,
he's a man of means ♪

♪ Then along come two, they
got nothing but their jeans ♪

♪ But they got different strokes,
it takes different strokes ♪

♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world ♪

♪ Yes it does, it takes different
strokes to move the world ♪