07x19 - Don't Go Changin'

[bunniefuu]

Maggie: As madcap as you make it sound, I can't.

Jason: Mmmmm...

Maggie: Oh, honey, you're just upset because the program committee didn't ask you to speak this year.

Jason: Upset?Maggie, please.If they want to load up their convention with trendy doctors who plug their vacuous books on Donahue, up theirs!

Maggie: That's the spirit.

Maggie: (kissing) Have a good trip.

Jason: Yeah, yeah.

Maggie: Bye.

Jason: Bye.

Maggie: Morning!

Eddie: Morning.

Maggie: Eddie!

Eddie: Why, Mrs.S... may I say you are looking lovelier than ever.

Maggie: Eddie, what are you doing here?

Eddie: I tried breaking into Mike's apartment, but he wasn't home.

Maggie: Oh, so you broke into our kitchen instead?

Eddie: Well, you changed the locks since last time I was here.What could I do?So, where is Mike?

Maggie: Oh, He and Luke are out.

Eddie: Oh, Mike finally got himself a dog, huh?

Maggie: No.Luke's a foster child.

Eddie: Even better.They come house-broken.

Maggie: Well, they should be back shortly.They went to the grocery store.

Ben: All right, lights, action...

Eddie: Yeah, it's nice to see you, too, geek breath.What's with the camera?

Maggie: Carol's studying in London, and I thought it might be nice if she got a video from us.

Eddie: Hey, I'm willing to send my salivations.

Ben: If she sees you, she'll never want to come back....Okay, we're rolling.

Eddie: Hey, hey, that's Mike.Uh, I want to surprise him.

Mike and Luke: (screaming)

Mike: Hey!Eddie!You're back!

Eddie: Yeah, and I'm gonna be staying here for a few days.

Eddie and Mike: Hey!

Ben: (screaming)

Eddie: All right, Jeff comes dribbling in, goes for three, goes for three, oh no he gets his own rebound, he fakes, he sh**t, he scores, woooo!

We're going into overtime!

Mike: Oh, no, no, no.Eddie, you win.

Eddie: Well, come on, Mike, I'm hot, man!

Mike: Forget it!I can't stand you hanging on the rim.

Eddie: Mike, how's that crazy thing I call life?

Mike: Well, it's that crazy thing I call okay.

Eddie: Last time I saw you, you were dating this uptight brunette ice princess.

Mike: Kate and I are practically engaged.

Eddie: Well, you didn't let me finish.Qualities I would want in a woman.

Mike: Right.Well, uh, tell me Eddie, how's your job?

Eddie: Oh, Mike, I have just spent the best eight months of my life as a cabin boy for Oceanic Cruises.

Mike: Yeah?Like a Love Boat?

Eddie: No, man, better!Like a Sleaze Boat!With a poop deck full of good-looking, mature women.Mikey, widows are so grateful.

Mike: Same old Eddie.

Eddie: Yeah, hey, I got a great idea.What do you say we head down to Miami?Ships are already hiring towel boys for the spring season.

Mike: Well, Eddie, Come on, I can't just pick up and leave like that.I've got responsibilities.

Eddie: You want to talk responsibilities?Ten glistening babes in a sweat room; no towels.That's a pressure cooker, pal.

Mike: Eddie, I'm teaching at the community center where my dad works.

Eddie: You?

Mike: Yeah.

Mike: Really?

Eddie: Yeah.

Mike: Well, my high school years weren't a total waste, right?

Luke: Hey, hey, guys.What's going on?

Mike: Oh, uh, we're just reliving some old times.

Eddie: Oh, Lukie-boy, you are lucky to be living with the master.Hey, did Mike ever tell you about the time that he actually joined the girl's swim team?

Luke: No, his master-ness forgot to mention it.

Mike: Well, I was only an honorary member; I refused to shave my thighs.

Luke: What happened?

Luke: That's great!

Mike: Yeah, it was wacky, it was wild....It was...wrong, Luke.

Eddie: You know, speaking of wacky, it's 30 degrees outside.Drop your pants.

Luke: Huh?

Mike: Well, Eddie and I used to play basketball outside during the winter.

Eddie: Yeah, in just our underwear until one of us cried uncle.

Mike: Yeah, or just cried.

Luke: Come on, tell me more about these wild adventures.

Mike: Nah, nah, it's really kind of boring.

Eddie: Boring?Does the drill team, 50 gallons of peanut butter, and a couple of sponge cakes sound boring?

Eddie: Oh, Mrs.S, what is the secret to your hearty, aromatic brew?

Maggie: I boil the water.

Eddie: Wow!You go through such trouble to make me feel comfortable here.

Ben: Don't get too comfortable; the silverware is counted.

Eddie: Thanks for the info, twerp.

Ben: Leprechaun.

Maggie: Okay, Ben, are you ready?

Ben: Okay, we're rolling.

Maggie: Hi, Carol.Ben was nice enough to tape me doing my daily chores, so honey you just pretend you're here doing the laundry with me.

Ben: Cut!You're doing a good mom thing here.I'm really buying it, but maybe you could liven it up a little bit.

You know, let's say you drop a pair of dad's shorts, and then as you get up, you slip on Chrissy's skate, and then, um, I don't know,

you spill boiling hot coffee on, beats me, Eddie.

Maggie: Ben, after I put these clothes away, we're going to do this tape, and it's going to make Carol smile, or we're not going to do it.Understand?

Eddie: You listen to your beautiful mother, Benjamin.

Luke: You were right, Eddie.The skating rink's a great place to meet girls.

Eddie: What did I tell you, dude, babe-ca-pades.

Luke: I just loved the way you handled that security guard.

"Sorry, officer, I didn't mean to grab her, but she was the only thing between me and an ugly ice-burn."

Mike: Eddie, don't you think you're a little old to be groping strange women?

Eddie: Oh, man, when the day comes I'm too old for that, you can just sh**t me.

Luke: Come on, Mike, you feeling okay?

Mike: Yeah, I'm fine.I just didn't feel like skating into the ladies room.

Eddie: Mike, how many fingers am I holding up here?

Ben: Hey, guys.I need you to say something nice to Carol.Hey, it was mom's idea.

Eddie: Hey, hey, what do you guys say we moon her?C'mon, guys, it's manly fun.

Ben: Yeah? Well, we're one man short. And I do mean "short."

Eddie: What did he mean by that?

Eddie: All right.So, who's up for going to the grocery store tonight?

Luke: We just went yesterday.

Mike: The Grocery Store?

Eddie: Oh, yeah.Mike, they've got everything you need for a balanced diet.

There's blonds for protein, they've got brunettes for carbohydrates, redheads for roughage...

Mike: Uh, no thanks.Nah, forget it, guys, I'm b*at.

Eddie: No, no!You can't miss this.Mike, you need to know a password to get in.

Luke: Hey, I'll come with you Eddie.Help you squeeze the produce.

Eddie: Well, hello, fellow shopper.

Mike: No, no, no, no, no.Eddie, you forgot, Luke is underage.

Eddie: Well, he's older than we were when we started sneaking into places.We'll just have to dip into the secret stash of fake ID's here.

Mike: Eddie!Eddie!

Eddie: Behold the work of the master.

Luke: Whoa!You used these?Hey!Johnny Weis, James Marshall, Charlene Woo?C'mon, Mike, how come you never showed me these before?

Mike: Well, because I don't do that stuff anymore.

Luke: Hey, hey!This one looks just like me; blond, 5 foot 8.All I have to do is grow a moustache by tonight.

Eddie: Oh, Mike, I'm telling you man.This Grocery Store is something else.We've just gotta get there kinda quick before the vice squad shuts them down.

Luke has got homework, and I don't feel like going to some place tonight where I could get maced and handcuffed to some squad car.

Eddie: Nice Mike, try this on the duty tonight?

Eddie: All right, we could do something else.Hey, what do you say we go down to the Burger Barn and hassle some high school kids?

It stars a beautiful girl named Belle, and a big, hairy beast...

Ben (dressed as beast): (growling)

Ben: What did you do that for?

Chrissy: You scared me.Besides, it's my turn to talk to Carol, and you're messing it up.

Ben: But wouldn't it be much more fun if we showed how, you know, the beast grabbed Belle....

Chrissy: Mom!

Ben: Where are you going?

Mike: Hey, Ben.Hey, have you seen Eddie?

Ben: No.Hey, maybe he decided to go down to the playground and hog the swings.

Mike: Hey, mom.Have you seen Eddie?

Maggie: You just missed him.He went off with Luke about fifteen minutes ago.

Mike: Where'd they go?

Maggie: They said they were going to pick something up at the grocery store.

Mike: And you let them go!

Maggie: Oh, honey, I'm sure it'll be great.I can't wait to see what you've done.

On Saturday, dad was off to yet another psychiatric convention to catch up on late-breaking techniques in therapy.

Back at home, Chrissy's learning to make her bed.For a reward, mom and dad got her a pet.

Chrissy named him "Grumpy," 'cause that's how he gets if you don't feed him.Speaking of food, the other day, mom made her famous tuna surprise.

The love of your life, Dwight Halliburton, drops in all the time.

Dwight's not the only one who's broken up; mom really misses her heart-to-heart talks with you.

Meanwhile, Luke almost had a date, until her mother found out.Mike volunteered to detail your car.

He also fumigated your room.Well, there's nothing left to say, but (on-screen) The End.

Ben: So.What do you think, mom?Pretty leading-edge, huh?

Maggie: Well, it's very clever, honey, but what happened to all that stuff you sh*t around the house?

Ben: I'd rather watch kelp.

Maggie: But it was the family.

Ben: So what's your point?

Maggie: I think you should put it back in.

Ben: Mom, it's gotta have a little style if it's gonna be "une film de Ben Seaver."

Maggie: No, it's "une letter to Carol Seaver." Here's her last letter that she sent to us.

You read it, and you decide what she wants to see.

Bouncer: Whoa, boy scout.You can't come in here without a password.

Mike: Oh, that's okay.I'm not trying to get in; I'm just looking for someone.

Bouncer: Yeah, right.And I'm McCauley Caulkin.Password.

Mike: Oh, oh, well I know it.It just slipped my mind.It's, uh, it's uh, bananas.Paper?Plastic?

Bouncer: b*at it, slimeball.

Mike: Look, uh, Mr.Funt.How's this for a password; a squadcar full of cops checking ID's?

Bouncer: Right this way, sir.

Mike: Okay, Luke, you're coming with me.

Luke: You got me mixed up with somebody else.My name's Jeraldo.

Melanie: Not the one you think.

Luke: Please, don't embarrass me.

Charese: You know, I have a friend who is just your type.(laughing) She'll be finished dancing there in fifteen minutes.

Mike: No, thanks.I'm seeing someone.

Eddie: Hey, Mike, it's okay to flirt.Kate's not gonna know.

Melanie: Who's Kate?

Eddie: Oh, she's the warden.

Luke: The one who cracks the whip.

Mike: Excuse me.Eddie, can I borrow your ear for a second?

Eddie: Sure.

Mike: Look, are you crazy for bringing Luke to a place like this?

Eddie: Hey, this is a classy joint.Do you see one spinning tassel?

Mike: Eddie, this has nothing to do with spinning tassels.It has to do with bringing a minor into a nightclub.

Eddie: Mike, are you turning fogey on me?I mean, maybe we can get out of here and go find a hot game of bingo!

And then tomorrow we can put on our dark socks with our plaid shorts, and drive around town at two miles an hour.With our left blinker going the whole time.

Eddie: Hey, thanks, man.

Eddie: Why?

Charese: Come on, Eduardo, let's dance.

Luke: I'm thinking of having my own talk show.

Maggie: Morning, sweatheart.Want some breakfast?

Mike: No thanks, mom.I'm not hungry.Mom, would you answer me one question?

What on Earth possessed you and dad to ever let me hang out with a jerk like Eddie?

I mean, we did all kinds of bad stuff.We TP'd houses, we snuck into an X-rated movie...

Maggie: How X?

Mike: Well, I don't know.During the opening credits, Eddie hyperventilated.

Maggie: Mike, your dad and I let you hang out with Eddie because you liked him.

Mike: Well, who wouldn't?I mean, the guy was fun and unpredictable.I mean, he was the only guy I knew who could open up a soda bottle with his zipper.

Maggie: So what's changed?

Mike: Me!I'm sorry, mom, but calling a restaurant and paging "Seymore Butts" doesn't amuse me anymore.

Maggie: Come on, it's not fair to judge Eddie on pranks he pulled five years ago.

Mike: He did it last night!

Maggie: So you think you'd be better off if you and Eddie had never been friends?

Mike: Maybe.

Maggie: Mike, you've grown a lot over the past few years.Maybe Eddie's growth is just a little....

Mike: Stunted?

Maggie: Come on, you've been friends since you've been kids.Eddie's part of who you are today.

Mike: Mom, come on, I haven't given someone a wedgie in months.I...I just wish he grow up.

Maggie: What?Be more like you?Mike, did ever puzzle you Eddie stopping.Eddie might not like you?

Mike: That's just take him or leave him, just the way he is?

Maggie: Yeah.I'm sure that deep inside Eddie wants to grow up...someday.

Mike: Oh, right. Here's the man who once told a woman "it's okay, I'm a blind brassiere designer."

Eddie: Just came to get my stuff.Don't worry, I'll throw myself down the stairs.

Mike: Hey, Eddie, last night I said a lot of stupid things.

Eddie: Yeah, you got that right.

Mike: And then again you did a lot of stupid things.

Eddie: Oh, great apology, Mike.This is a real "Family Ties" kind of moment here.

Mike: Hey, come on, Eddie.What happened to us?Huh?We were so tight.I mean, we used to laugh at each other's jokes before we even said 'em.

Eddie: What happened was, you started thinking you were better than me.

Mike: Not better; different.

Eddie: Better.

Mike: Different.I mean, I am in a steady loving relationship, and you prey on innocent widows.

I mean, and I have a responsible job, and you hock towels at a floating bathhouse.

And I'm trying to help raise a 16-year-old boy, so he doesn't turn out to be someone....

Eddie: Like me?

Mike: (sighing) I have been acting like I'm better than you.

Eddie: The prosecution rests.

Mike: Eddie, maybe I have been acting like an old fogey.But listen, I don't have all the answers.

I mean, heck, sometimes I'm standing in front of my class, and all I wanna do is help 'em make spitballs, because you and I made 'em better than they ever could.

Eddie: Kids today; no attention to quality.Mike, do you think I want to be a towel boy forever?

I look at you, and I think, compared to me, you really got it together.What if I never make anything of my life, huh?

Mike: Aw, come on Eddie.Hey, you got loads of time.You're smart, and you're likeable.I mean, it'll happen for you.

Eddie: Am I imagining, or we got a bonding thing going here?

Mike: Hey, I've never seen you this, I don't know, human.I like it.

Eddie: Yeah.This is great, huh?

Mike: Yeah, isn't it?

Eddie: Yeah.If you buy this, the widows are gonna eat it up.

Maggie: Jason, I'm so glad you got back in time to see the video Ben made for Carol.

Chrissy: I'm sitting next to daddy.

Jason: Whoa!

Maggie: No, just kidding.He's kidding.Go ahead, honey.Roll it.

Ben: Dear Carol, I heard you were feeling a little homesick.Well cheer up.It happens to the best of us when we're away from the people we care about.

We hope this video will bring you a smile, and remind you of home.

Maggie: Hi, Carol.Ben was nice enough to tape me doing my daily chores, so honey you just pretend you're here doing the laundry with me.

Chrissy: It's my birthday, yes indeed.How any candles do I need?One, two, three years old.Four, five, six years old.

That's it, what else do you want me to do?

Ben: Say goodbye.

Chrissy: Goodbye, Carol.Oh, P.S., come home quick.Ben's driving me crazy.

Ben: Now, uh, Carol, uh, in answer to your letter; I miss you, too.I know we've had our differences, but I care about you, and I want you to come home soon.

Maggie: That was terrific, honey.

Jason: We're proud of you, Ben.

Ben: Well, it's not finished yet.I want to get one more sh*t of the whole family waving to Carol.

Maggie: Well, that's great.Where's Mike?

Mike (outside): Come on, come on!

Chrissy: What's that?

Mike: Come on, let's go, let's go!

Eddie: sh**t it, come on, chicken, you don't want that!

Jason: Guys, it's 40 degrees out here.What are you doing?

Mike: Freezing this little weasel's tail off!

Eddie: Oh, yeah?Well, we'll see who the weasel is!

Mike: Missed!

Jason: Maggie, they're playing in their underwear.

Maggie: I know; isn't it wonderful?

Ben: Everybody, come on, wave to Carol.